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It takes Buck about 4 days to even process what happened. Two of them he spends on Eddie’s couch, too shocked to even ask what his whole deal is, and the other two moving through the motions at work, trying to avoid his loft and all the memories associated.
It takes him 5 days to go from just heartbroken to heartbroken and angry, and the more he thinks about it, the more that anger becomes fury.
“Who even is he to question what I want? And how well I know myself?!” he asks Hen as they’re making their way through the second glass of wine in his loft. They’re sitting exactly where he and Tommy sat as the man broke up with him, but Buck’s too angry to be sad about it. “Is there a certain number of men I need to fuck before I’m considered bi?”
“Buck…” she says softly. “You know there’s not. Nothing wrong with being bi and only having one relationship with a man.”
“Well, tell Tommy that,” Buck snaps petultantly, before taking a deep breath. “Sorry, it’s not you I’m angry at.”
Hen toasts to that and they finish their glasses, already pouring another round. She’s here to listen to him complain, bitch about relationships, and get drunk on wine, and she’s an amazing friend for that. Eddie’s the last person in the world Buck would ask about relationships, no matter how much he loves the man, and Maddie’s his sister, so she’s too close. Hen’s his good friend, she’s family, but she’s removed enough that Buck isn’t afraid of bias.
“You did jump the gun with asking him to move in,” Hen points out. “I’m not saying it was the wrong move, but I can see how he got spooked.”
Buck rolls his eyes. “So I was impulsive and too much again, what a surprise,” he drawls sarcastically. “Glad to know the adult response was to break up with me instead of talking about it. Fucking great.”
“Oh, that was an asshole move for sure,” Hen says. “I don’t blame you for being angry.”
He stands up and starts pacing, unable to sit down anymore. 4 days and nothing is any clearer than it was when Tommy broke up with him out of the blue, only now everything’s tinted with his anger. Maybe not the healthiest response, but it’s either that or completely breaking down, and Buck’s tired of crying.
“He dares to tell me he can’t be my last, without even asking me what I want! I told him I wanted more with him, I even- Josh asked me, you know, if I could see a future with Tommy and I did. I did,” he repeats quietly. “I saw everything with him and he broke up with me. And what’s worse, he tried to frame it like it’s somehow better for me. Well, thank you, Tommy, for being such an amazing fucking saviour!”
Buck can’t say he doesn’t make mistakes, but being treated like a goddamn kid by the man he wanted to build a future with is beyond insulting. What’s worse, he can’t even hate Tommy. He loves him still, even as a part of his trust is broken, lying in ruins beneath his feet.
“He acted like a dick, I know. He was probably scared, but it was a shitty way to go around it,” Hen says. She’s amazing because she doesn’t take sides - there aren’t sides here, not really, Buck’s just hurt and angry, and he does need someone to bring him back to Earth sometimes. “My question is - why are you telling me that, and not him?”
Buck scoffs. “Because he was so eager to listen to me the first time,” he says.
She just raises an eyebrow. “And you’re known for giving up easily, aren’t you? Come on, Buck, I know you don’t tend to fight for your relationships, but sometimes you have to. Sometimes it’s worth it.”
He shrugs and drinks some more. He’s torn between anger and sadness, some part of him softening with understanding, and he wants to scream at Tommy, but also doesn’t want to be the one to reach out.
“He’s the one that broke up with me.”
“And you’re the one who doesn’t want to break up,” Hen points out. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure he also doesn’t, because he always looked at you like you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, but he’s scared. You’re the angry one.”
“Are you saying I should drive there and scream at him?” Buck asks.
Hen laughs and shakes her head, but there’s something mischievous in her eyes. “You’re way too drunk for that,” she says. “But I’m saying that if you want it, you should fight for this relationship. Don’t want Tommy to leave you? Then don’t let him.”
“You say as if that’s easy.” He collapses back into the seat and lays his head on his arms, leaning into Hen’s touch when she cards her fingers through his curls. “I’m tired of being left behind, Hen.”
“I know,” she soothes. “But a part of not being left behind is fighting for what you want. People run because they’re scared, and because it’s easier than facing whatever’s scaring them. You just have to force Tommy to face that together.”
“Sounds rough.”
“I’m not saying you should be aggressive, but be clear. Tell him you love him.” At Buck’s surprised inhale, Hen chuckles. “Give me some credit, I knew for a long time that you were falling in love with him. I know you by now, and you probably considered moving in together a way to show Tommy what he means to you.”
“Yeah,” he sighs in defeat. “I didn’t mean to- I know he thinks it’s impulsive, but I’m not the same kid I was 10 years ago, or even 5 years ago. I know better now.”
“Then tell him that,” Hen suggests. “I can’t say for sure, but I think he loves you and I think that scares him. You’re right to be angry because he’s acting like a grade-A asshole, but there’s love there.”
“Ugh,” Buck groans. “I wanted to just get drunk with you and complain about being dumped, not get a pep talk.”
“You knew who you were asking for drinks, Buckley, own up to it,” she jokes. “You’re going to be okay, Buck. You just have to fight for it.”
“I hate how much that makes sense,” he tells her. “And I hate that I have to be the one to do something when he’s the one that broke my heart. It’s not fair.”
“It’s not always fair,” Hen says. “Especially when you love someone. Then it’s not about what’s fair, but what you’re willing to do for them. Where do you draw the line.”
Buck processes the words silently. The anger’s still there; he thinks it’ll be here for a while longer, the hurt and the pain only adding fuel to the fire, but he sees what Hen means. Tommy’s important to him. He loves that man, even if he didn’t say so before, and he still sees a future with him. He doesn’t need to explore more, he knows what he wants, and he wants Tommy.
Now he has to convince Tommy of that fact, without getting his heart broken for the second time.
Hen hugs him before leaving, and he sinks into it gratefully. “I’m going to call you and cry on your shoulder if this ends badly,” Buck informs her at the door. “We’re both off tomorrow.”
It hurts that he still knows Tommy’s schedule, that he still has access to their shared Google calendar. It’s almost a week since the breakup, and it’s like nothing has changed, even though everything has changed. One thing stays the same - he knows what he wants, and if he has to fight for it? Tommy’s worth it.
Even on his way to Tommy’s place, Buck’s heart is racing, palms sweaty. He’s probably walking straight into even more heartbreak, another stab to his chest, but it matters less and less the closer he’s to the destination. Because Buck’s angry, he’s furious and hurt and betrayed, and he needs Tommy to know that. The other man didn’t let him speak when breaking up with him so, if nothing else, at least he’ll get some closure. Maybe.
Buck still has the keys to the house, but it feels wrong to use them, so he knocks instead, waiting for someone to shuffle behind the closed doors. He can tell the moment Tommy clocks who’s knocking before all movement stops and it only serves to make him more angry.
“Open up, Tommy, I know you’re there!” he calls. “You dated me for half a year, I think I deserve to say some things to your face and not the door.” More silence, before Buck loses all patience. “But, you know, I can deal with closed doors, because you can hear me, right? So…What the actual fuck was that, Tommy? How could you just break up with me out of nowhere, like I didn’t matter-”
He’s interrupted by the hurried sound of the door opening, and then Buck’s face-to-face with his ex-boyfriend. He trails off, suddenly speechless at the sight of him. Because Tommy looks like a mess, with bloodshot eyes, curls messy and greasy, like he hadn’t showered in a few days. He looks almost worse than Buck feels, and that’s saying something because he feels like shit.
Immediately, something in him softens.
“Tommy,” Buck whispers. “What-”
“Just… Get in. No need to involve the neighbours,” the other man says in a resigned tone, letting Buck in, and walking deeper into the house. “Lay it on me.”
“Wha- Tommy, what the fuck are you talking about?” Normally Buck isn’t one to swear so much, but he’s so confused and angry and hurt, and worried on top of that, that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Tommy’s standing in front of him in old sweatpants and what looks like one of Buck’s old shirts, messy and heartbroken, and it’s mindblowing because Tommy is the one who broke up with him.
“You’re angry. Rightfully so,” Tommy points out. “Just say what you need for closure, I get it. I can take it.”
And Buck finally understands why he frustrates his friends with his self-sacrificial behaviour sometimes. Because this? This is infuriating. It’s worrying, and it’s a side of his ex-boyfriend he only caught glimpses of, but he wants to just wrap him up in his arms and never leave. Make sure he’s never hurt like that again.
“Tommy, I’m not going to yell at you or something,” Buck says quietly, tenderly. Suddenly, all that anger doesn’t matter as much as making sure Tommy’s okay.
“Why? You’re clearly angry.”
“I am angry, but I’m also in love with you. I don’t want to hurt you,” Buck explains helplessly. What else is there to say?
Tommy’s reaction is pure shock. Those pretty eyes widen and he somehow hunches over even more, arms wrapped around his stomach, like he’s trying to comfort himself. Buck itches to come closer, pull him into his arms, but it’s not his place anymore. All he can do is stand there and watch as the man he loves falls apart.
“Tommy, what’s happening?” he finds himself asking. “Why did you break up with me? It doesn’t- You don’t look like you’re okay.”
The other man laughs, but it’s a bitter sound that makes Buck wince. “Evan, I broke my own goddamn heart, of course I’m not okay. What I don’t understand is why… Why are you here if you’re not going to scream at me?”
That proves to be too much for Buck and he crosses the space between them, immediately pulling Tommy into his arms. The other man startles and remains stiff in his hold for a second, before Buck squeezes him gently.
“I love you, Tommy,” he says firmly. “Even if I’m angry. And I’m not backing off without a fight.”
Tommy drops into his hold like a puppet with cut strings, and Buck gathers him close, closing his eyes against the tears that threaten to come when Tommy’s arms wrap around his waist. It hasn’t even been a week since the last time they touched, but he’s starved for it. It was easy to ignore the yearning with anger playing the first fiddle, but now it’s obvious. Buck missed him so much and it’s heaven, to be back with Tommy. Even with all of their issues between them.
“Evan, I don’t-” Tommy cuts off, face pressed against his neck. “I’m so sorry.”
Buck nods. “I’m so angry at you.”
“I deserve it.”
“Fuck that,” he snaps, and it’s apparently surprising enough that Tommy pulls away to look at him with wide eyes. “Tommy, I’m angry but it’s not- I want an explanation, and it was shitty of you to break up with me like that, but I meant what I said. I see a future with you, Tommy Kinard, and I refuse to let you tell me what I feel. That’s bullshit.”
Tears are running down Tommy’s face, and it’s heartbreaking, but Buck needs to say it.
“I got scared.”
“I know.” Buck sighs and pulls him closer again, pressing their foreheads together. He’s so angry and so in love. “But that was a shitty way to deal with your fear. If I’m going too fast just tell me, not say some bullshit about not being my last. Don’t I get a choice in that?”
Tommy just shakes apart in his arms, crying, and it’s the first time Buck sees him in such a state. It’s heartbreaking, but also validating in a very perverted way; at least Tommy is also suffering because of his choices. Buck immediately feels terrible about that thought - he doesn’t want Tommy to suffer, but at least he’s not alone in this. At least this relationship meant a lot to the other man too.
“I really wanted to move in together,” Tommy says through the tears.
“And yet your response was to break up with me over it,” Buck reminds him. “With some weird excuses that implied I don’t know what I want and how I feel. Who are you to tell me what I feel?”
“I’ve seen it play out before, you know? I wanted to spare us the heartbreak.”
Buck scoffs. “Don’t feel very spared right now,” he says, motioning to the pair of them, both in tears, both a mess. “I feel insane because it’s like we broke up over wanting a future together. How? How did it end up like this?”
He doesn’t want to scream anymore. The anger’s still there, simmering under the surface, but being faced with Tommy’s reaction lessens the strains in a way. It’s not just Buck who’s hurting, and he doesn’t understand but Tommy doesn’t need screaming matches and harsh words. He just needs to be confronted with what he did, with the fact that Buck loves him. Even if he doesn’t believe it.
“I didn’t expect to be in so deep, Evan. It’s been 6 months,” Tommy points out.
“You knew I wanted something serious with you, Tommy. 6 months is plenty of time,” Buck counters. “I’m not a kid, no matter what you call me. I’m 32, I’ve been a firefighter for years. I’m new to being bi, but I’ve been through many relationships that ended badly. Women or men… I’m not you, Tommy, it doesn’t really matter. I’m not hiding, I haven’t been running from who I am my whole life. I just found something special with you, and I wanted to built that together.”
“Wanted?”
“It’s hard to want when I still don’t know what do you want. Or wanted,” Buck says. He’s hurting and doesn’t trust the other man as much anymore. He’s playing with open cards, but… There’s only so much heartbreak he can take.
There’s a war happening inside of Tommy, he can see it in his eyes. Their gazes remain locked together, and Buck’s willingly giving the other man his heart, allowing him to completely shatter it again. Maybe for good this time. Walking in here, Buck didn’t realise he could still trust Tommy with that, but what he feels for this man keeps surprising him.
“I want to live with you, Evan,” Tommy says eventually, and it’s like they both deflate at the same time. “I want to love you like you deserve to be loved, and I want to make up for this shitshow. If you can find it in your heart to give me a second chance.”
And it should be a hard decision. It should be something Buck really thinks about, but didn’t he come here exactly for that? He came here to fight for their relationship, to make Tommy reconsider, to shake his shoulders and demand an explanation, a better ending.
“Of course,” he says easily, because there’s no other response. “I love you, Tommy, even when you’re being an idiot.”
Tommy’s smile is like the sunlight peeking from between the clouds, and Buck just has to kiss him about it. The other man tastes of salt, and it’s messy, definitely a bit gross, but it’s theirs. Tommy is warm and real in his arms, and he’s not running anymore. No matter what, Buck knows he’s not going to give it up. Tommy’s right here and with time, Buck will believe that he’ll stay. There’s so much to say, so much anger and heartbreak in him still, but it all doesn’t matter for a while when he kisses the man he loves, pushing him against the wall. Tommy matches his energy, the kiss turning hungry and desperate, and they’re both breathless when they pull apart.
“I promise I won’t run again, Evan,” Tommy murmurs against his lips.
“I’ll just chase you down if you do,” Buck says. “I’m not letting anything ruin this for us. Even you.”
Tommy laughs. It’s not fixed, nowhere close, but it’s another beginning, stronger this time. The doubt and insecurities aren’t gone, for either of them but… They are stronger, and surer of what’s between them. They kiss, and there’s nothing bitter there anymore. Just hope and determination for a better future together.