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It started, like most things in Remus Lupin’s existence, with a full moon. Remus thought it’d been normal, if not him waking up a little more achey than normal, but the looks on his friends' faces when he awoke in the hospital wing told him all he needed to know.
All of his friends looked worried, but it was Sirius’s look of relief that made his heart ache.
“Merlin, Moons.” Sirius laughed, but there was an edge of anxiety in it. “You had us worried there.” Before Remus can process it, he’s reaching out a hand for him. Sirius’s eyes widen, but he grabs on and squeezes his hand right.
“Sorry for worrying you,” he mumbled before closing his eyes. “‘m so tired…”
“Then rest. I’ll be here. I’ll be right here.”
Remus smiled softly before floating off back into the darkness.
Ever since that incident, he could tell there was something different with Sirius. He was covering it up pretty well, but he’d prided himself on knowing Sirius better than anyone else for a reason.
Remus decided to stick a little closer to Sirius that night, in hopes that he’d know, even subconsciously, that he was here for him. He finally thought he’d gotten through to Sirius when he’d asked to talk and led him out of the common room, but now… now he wasn’t too sure. Sirius had been dead silent on their way to the Astronomy Tower and now he wasn’t even meeting Remus’s eyes.
“What’s wrong?” Remus asks gently as Sirius paces around. A brisk cold breeze rushes past them and Remus shivers. This seems to snap Sirius out of his anxious state.
“I’m sorry. I should’ve done this inside. Do you want to go back in?”
Remus smiles slightly at the concern in his friend’s face, almost mirroring the one he’d seen that morning earlier in the week. “It’s fine, Padfoot. It’s beautiful up here at night when you can see everything. Always has been our spot, hasn’t it,” Remus says, hoping to ease his friend back down from whatever ledge he thought he was standing on. “Now, tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing's wrong per-say.”
Remus raises his eyebrows, thoroughly unconvinced due to Sirius’s… well… everything.
His behavior all day had been a little off. More than the normal weird place he’d been since the full at least. His nervousness had been more apparent that day.
He’d been chewing anxiously on everything from his quills to his hair. James and him used to pick on Sirius for that - claiming Padfoot was rubbing off on him - but now Remus knew these signs to mean something was truly weighing on his mind. Last time he was this restless was when he came out to them as gay the year prior.
“Sirius, what’s going on?” Remus presses gently.
“I…” He finally looks at Remus. It’s not one of those skittish glances he’s been giving him all day, but a real steady look.
Remus is reminded once again why he usually doesn’t stare when Sirius is looking back.
Those silver slices of moonlight in his eyes… Remus could bask in their glow forever, but there was barely any silver in them now. They were all wide eyed and scared. He looked almost like Prongs when they lit a lumos with their wands. That doe-eyed mix of fear and confusion.
“Merlin. I don’t know how to do this,” Sirius says softly.
“Do what?”
“How to say what I need to say?” Sirius almost sounds like he isn’t talking to him anymore.
“Do I need to turn around? Would that make it easier?” Remus asks, knowing Sirius is completely in his head at this point. He starts to step back to give him space, when Sirius’s eyes open even wider and a look of fear passes over his face.
“No. Don’t go!” Sirius reaches out and grabs his arm. Remus looks down and sees Sirius looking down at his arm as well, as if surprised by himself. He looks up at him again and begins to speak. “You…”
“What about me? Have I done something wrong?”
“No! I… fuck.” Sirius lets go of Remus’s arm to tangle his fingers in his hair and Remus instantly mourns the loss.
“You don’t need to talk about this if you’re not ready,” Remus says gently, his worry for his friend outweighing his curiosity.
“But I am ready! I have to be ready. I can’t keep this in anymore, yet I can’t let it out… Ugh I’m such a bloody coward.”
“Don’t say that.” Remus steps forward and puts a hand on his shoulder. Sirius’s eyes quickly snap down to that point of contact. “You are so incredibly brave, but you’re also quite impatient. Be kind to yourself. If you're not ready to talk about this then, it’s alright. You only just ran away from home a few months ago and-”
“I like you,” Sirius blurts out.
Remus blinks at him for a moment. “I like you too.”
“No! No!” Sirius backs up and groans looking up at the sky. “Not like that.”
“I’m not sure I understand.”
“Fuck. I- I feel things, alright?” Sirius starts moving his hands around frantically as he begins to explain, moonlight of the slowly waning full illuminating his movements.
“Like- really strong things and-I have for a while, but I never really found the right time to say anything and then I thought I lost you and then I got disinherited so there was never really an opportunity. But then you almost died on me this week and- well, I suppose the point is I have feelings for you - and, and you don’t have to feel the same way. I mean - with all the hell I’ve put you through I wouldn’t blame you if you secretly harbored a grudge and wanted to kill me.”
Sirius laughs awkwardly and Remus can’t help but smile widely through his shock.
Sirius was flustered.
The Sirius Black was flustered.
Because he had feelings.
For him.
Sirius Black fancied him .
He must be dreaming.
Remus steps forward slightly and Sirius gulps. Remus keeps looking at him, taking all of Sirius in.
He was beautiful in the moonlight. It was a sight Remus so rarely got to see, as he obviously tried to stay away from the moon as much as possible. Yet he thought maybe it was possible to love in the moon if he thought about how Sirius looked right now. Remus always thought he was too gorgeous for his own good, but in the softness of the moment, he thought Sirius looked absolutely heavenly.
The cold came early in November of 1976, and though Remus could feel it nipping through his jumper, he was thankful for how it lit up Sirius’s cheeks in that lovely shade of pink.
The way the wind blew through his hair reminded Remus of the muggle art museum he, Peter, Sirius and James went to in London to get Sirius out of the house after he escaped that past summer. He remembered looking up at one of the paintings and thinking that Sirius was surely born in the wrong era. He deserved to be painted like this, with his glory on full display for all to admire.
His thoughts are quietly shattered by a soft squeak of his friend’s voice, reminding him that his friend wouldn’t read his mind without his permission. “Please… say something?”
Remus gently moves forward and trails his fingers down Sirius’s arm before slowly intertwining his fingers with his friend's.
“I have feelings for you too,” Remus replies simply.
Sirius’s jaw drops. “Really?”
Remus nods. “I mean, can you truly blame me? You’ve always been breathtakingly beautiful and only became more apparent the older you got. There’s so much about you Sirius that keeps me in your orbit. I could go on, and I will if you don’t stop me.”
Sirius blushes and looks away. “How long?”
“Since first year.”
“First year?” Sirius asks breathlessly, looking back up at him in awe.
“Well, I didn’t know what it was when I was a first year, but… slowly I accepted it. Practically a part of me now. Assumed I’d be hopelessly pining after you for the rest of my days at this point.”
“Me too,” Sirius admitted. “But then this summer happened and I… I realized how easily we could’ve lost each other and with all the tensions building outside I…” Sirius sighs. “I didn’t want you to die being afraid. I almost lost you earlier this week and I was a wreck…I don’t want to leave this world without you knowing how much I like you.”
“More than a friend?”
Sirius laughs. “So much more than a friend.”
“Well then.” Remus steps forward and gently cups Sirius’s cheek. “Can I kiss you, my more than a friend?”
Sirius blushes even further and nods. “Please.”
Remus kisses him and it feels like all the cold has shrunk off his bones, leaving a molten warm feeling in their place. Sirius kisses back, drawing Remus in more as they back towards a wall. They pull away for a moment and Sirius quickly pulls him in by his waist.
“Merlin, you’re a good kisser, Moons.” Remus chuckles and runs his hands down Sirius’s sides, resting on his hips.
“I could say the same for you, Pads…” Remus sighs and moves closer.
“What do you want from me?” Sirius asks, eyes searching his own with a confidence to it, but a little bit of insecurity underneath. “I know what I want, but above all I want you, Remus. In whatever way you want me.”
“Well, for one. I don’t want this to be a one time thing. I can’t be your lover who you kiss in the moonlight and hide in the halls. I won’t be able to take that. I want to be yours - and I know it’s selfish of me to want everything you can give me, but.”
“It’s not selfish, Moony.” Sirius reaches out and cups his cheek. “It’s not selfish,” he repeats, softer this time. “I want something that’s mine. Truly… the something my parents could never beat out of me was my love for you.”
Remus looks up at the sky, as if praying to a god he didn’t know would hear him to take him here while he’s happy before the inevitable pain of the world sets in.
“I love you too. Merlin, Sirius, do you have any idea how much?”
Sirius shakes his head and Remus’s heart breaks slightly as a tear rolls down his cheek. “I don’t, but I’d really, really like to hear it.”
“I’ll make sure you know it. I’ll repeat it every hour of every day if I have to.”
“This can’t be happening.” Sirius sniffles and Remus brushes another tear away.
“I’m thinking the same thing. The most incredible man told me that he loves me.”
“Hold me close tonight?”
“Baby, if I have a choice I’m never letting you go.”
“Baby…” Sirius sighs. “And I never thought I’d like pet names.”
Remus’s eyes widened. “Oh, I can stop if you don’t like-”
Sirius grabs him by his jumper. He offers him one of those bright Sirius Black grins as he shakes his head. “Don’t you dare.”
He kisses him and Remus closes his eyes, believing that maybe for one moment he could block out the cold by staying right here like this forever. He certainly wouldn’t mind turning his back to the wind if it would keep Sirius warm.
“I’ve got you,” Remus whispers as the wind rips past them. “I’ve got you, baby.”
***
Remus shivers a little as he wakes up the next morning. Someone must have opened a window… and whoever it was he was going to find them and…
His grumpy morning thoughts are abruptly stalled when he feels warmth move closer to him and the whisper of a spell being muttered under their breath. The window shuts with a thunk and Remus smiles gratefully.
“Come here, Moons,” Sirius whispers softly and the night before comes rushing back.
He can kiss him now. He can kiss Sirius Black. Sirius Black, to his recollection of their previous late night conversation, was his boyfriend.
His.
Remus slowly opens his eyes and is met by the only reason he loves the moon. Whenever he looked at it, especially in those lonely summer months, he felt like for a moment he could see Sirius’s eyes.
“Wouldn’t want to be anywhere else,” he mumbles and pulls Sirius closer. Sirius smiles, happily melting into him and allowing himself to be kissed.
“Mhmm, good morning to me,” Sirius mumbles when Remus pulls away. Remus laughs softly and kisses all over his face.
Remus sighs and hides his face in Sirius’s neck, taking in a scent so distinctly Sirius it sends his insides spinning.
“Mine,” Remus exhales softly. He feels Sirius shiver slightly, and although he’s not completely sure it’s from the cold, he pulls the blankets up.
“Thanks.” Sirius smiles up at him and Remus feels his heart stutter in his chest. Sirius reaches up and runs his fingers through his hair. Remus leans into his touch.
“I’m so lucky,” Sirius whispers and Remus blushes.
“I am more.”
“I disagree,” Sirius pulls him back in for a kiss before Remus can protest.
“That’s cheating,” Remus murmurs, but kisses him again. "How am I supposed to resist that?" Sirius laughs softly against his lips, pulling him closer. Remus sighs feeling one of his hands trail down his back.
“Mhmm, you’re going to get sick of me,” Sirius says softly.
Remus’s eyes instantly fly open at the suggestion. “What gave you that idea?”
“I don’t want to be separate from you again.” Sirius blushes and looks down to where he's tracing one of Remus's scars under the hem of his shirt. “I think you’re going to get annoyed from that. I know I can be a bit much sometimes.”
“Oh baby,” Remus whispers. “I’m never going to get tired of you.”
“You say that now, but…” Sirius grimaces slightly.
“Oh Sirius,” Remus kisses all over his face before whispering. “I will help you learn how it feels to be loved.”
Sirius’s breath hitches and he nods. “Yeah okay…” he whispers.
Remus chuckles softly and gives him another kiss. “I’ll keep you safe.”
“I believe you,” Sirius whispers. “Even though I know that’s a hard thing to believe in right now…”
“I know, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make it true.”
“I know,” Sirius looks into his eyes and Remus wants to melt into him and stay there forever. “That’s why I love you.”
“I love you too.” Remus whispers. “I’ll spend the rest of my life showing you how much.”
As their lips come together again, Remus smiles to himself. He adjusts the covers around them both and Sirius buries his face into his shoulder. Remus wraps his arms around him tightly and Sirius lets out a soft puff of air.
"Thank you."
"For what, love?" Remus asks softly and Sirius smiles wider.
"For being here. For being the incredible man I fell in love with."
"I'll always be here, Sirius." Remus leans down to kiss his forehead. "I promise. I'll keep you from the cold, Pads."
He closes his eyes before whispering to Sirius softly. "You're worth fighting for."