Archive of Our Own

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“Ash? You’re asleep?”, Goh asks quietly, hoping his friend is equally awake as he is.

The party ended a few hours ago, but Goh is still coming to terms with the fact that he and Ash will go separate ways tomorrow. His heart aches just at the thought of it, and he tries his hardest to brush off this feeling. It was technically his idea, right? He was the one who considered the idea first, right? So he shouldn’t feel upset about it, right?

So why does he feel so upset about it?

“No, ‘m not”, Goh hears Ash reply. He sounds like he would be on the verge of already being asleep but he’s not quite there yet. “Something’s wrong?”

“N-no. I guess I’m just feeling too excited to sleep”, that’s not technically a lie. Goh’s excited to start his own journey, but still… still. His heart aches at the thought of not traveling with Ash anymore.

“Yeah, I know how you feel. I’m always so excited about my next journey that I can’t fall asleep either”, Ash replies, trying to disguise the yawn that leaves his mouth. 

Somehow Ash doesn’t feel as excited as he thought he would be. He is excited, he’s always so excited to visit a new region, catch some new Pokemon, but this time…this time it hits differently.

“It’s gonna be okay, Goh. Let’s try to get some rest. We have an important day tomorrow”, Ash eventually says, and before Goh can utter any form of reply, a quiet snoring reaches his ears from the bottom bunk.

Goh sighs. Ash always makes everything sound so easy that he almost believes that everything will be okay indeed.

But it doesn't feel okay. It doesn’t feel okay how his heart aches at the thought of separating from Ash. Not traveling with him anymore. Not getting up to Pikachu using thunderbolt for both of them to wake up. Not eating breakfast together, searching for new adventures on his Rotom phone, or rolling his eyes whenever Ash will eat too loudly. No more running together. No more high fives and fist bumps. Ash won’t congratulate him on his new catches and Goh won’t run over to Ash after he wins an important battle anymore. And this isn’t right. None of this feels right. 

A sob threatens to leave his mouth, but Goh in time leaves the room so Ash wouldn’t wake up to it. But Grookey did wake up to it, and to his trainer’s distress altogether, so he joins Goh outside of the Laboratory to watch the stars. But Goh doesn’t plan to watch the stars tonight. Instead he sits down on the stairs and just cries. Tears are streaming down his face, his vision is blurred, but he somehow is able to notice Grookey’s blurry figure, and he holds him close to his chest to help him calm his outburst. 

I can’t do this anymore, Goh says over sobs, and Grookey just melts further into his trainer’s embrace. I can’t do this anymore, he repeats. It’s pointless and Goh knows it’s not helping at all. He’s gonna miss Ash so much, and when he finally looks up teary-eyed to watch the stars, he can only hope Ash will feel the same.

And Ash does feel the same, but he just pretends he doesn’t.

He carefully stands close to the door, quietly so he won’t alert Goh that he woke up to his aura leaving the room, and so Goh won’t notice him. He stands there, quiet, and Pikachu equally quietly jumps on his shoulder, worried why his trainer is just standing there instead of helping his human friend to calm him down.

Ash hears Goh cry, he sees how distressed he is. And Ash does nothing. He just stands there, watching his friend’s outburst. His heart hurts at the sight, but he does nothing. A part of him wants to come closer and comfort Goh, but the second half decides otherwise. Instead, he just shakes his head to himself and leaves to go back to sleep – like he hasn't seen anything, like he hasn’t seen Goh crying and like it wouldn’t even happen.

It’s the first time he ignores Goh’s outburst.

Because if he didn’t, he knew that Goh would say don’t go and Ash would do that in the blink of an eye.

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But Ash can’t ignore how his favorite blue eyes turned into a sadder shade of blue when they stand looking at each other and the goodbye lings in the air, being mere seconds away from happening.

And Ash wants to be the one saying don’t go. His heart aches just at the thought of saying goodbye to his friend. To his crush. To someone he deeply loves. 

But Ash can’t love Goh. Not anymore. Not when all of the world’s eyes are focused on him, and if people would find out that the World’s Champion has feelings for a boy, that would be–

So Ash bites his lips and doesn’t say don’t go. Instead, he says I’m sure glad I met you and that one line almost makes him crumble and change his decision. His heart wants to change his mind, but his brain says otherwise.

None of them cry. Even if Goh wants to. Even if Ash wants to. But Ash rarely cries when saying goodbye to his friends, and even if he wants to cry, he doesn’t. Saying goodbye is also another opportunity to learn new things and grow up further as a trainer. And Ash needs to show Goh that it’s okay to go separate ways. To learn something new and grow from another journey.

But Goh stops from walking, unsure of his own steps anymore. He second guesses the journey he wanted so badly to go on, and the tears that gathered in the corner of his eyes are threatening to fall down. He bites his lips and he doesn’t cry, but hopes that Ash will stop walking as well, turn his face and say those words he wishes to hear. Don’t go.

But Ash doesn’t say don’t go. 

He sees Goh stop walking. He notices how hard he tries not to crumble in front of him, and Goh almost says don’t go. The words are there at the tip of his tongue. He doesn’t, hoping that Ash will be the one changing his mind instead. And Ash wants to say don’t go, but he doesn’t. Instead, he stops and says make sure you meet up with Mew again and become friends. 

And Goh pretends he wasn’t hoping for Ash to say don’t go, his heart shining with hope with every word, and aching when he didn’t hear the words he desired Ash to utter. 

And when Goh replies some encouraging words to Ash kindly in return, Ash can only pretend he wasn't hoping for Goh to say don’t go as well, as his heart wanted to hear.

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“Mom, I’m back! I’m home”, Ash yells way too loudly, but in all honesty, Ash wouldn’t have to announce that he’s back – Delia will always feel it when he’s home.

“Welcome home”, she says, her smile weak, and Ash looks up at her with confusion. She tries to disguise how sad she feels by petting Pikachu. Isn’t his mom happy that he’s home?

“I’m more than happy. It’s always great to have you home for a while. It’s just unusual to see you without Goh. You were always together ”, she admits truthfully with a sad smile, and Ash hates how his heart aches at her words. 

“Yeah, it’s um, hard to adjust”, Ash admits as well. He doesn’t say the details like when he was running, he turned around looking for the familiar figure of his friend to be running alongside him, or when he wanted to share his snack with Goh, but the boy wasn’t there.

Delia doesn’t need to hear any words from her son to know how he really feels. She clearly sees that he’s sulking over separating from Goh. She is a little bit sad about it too. She loved that boy like her second son. They were a good team, and Ash was happier with Goh next to him. And it’s not like she was already planning a wedding or something–

She tries not to meddle. She knows that Ash will voice out how he feels when he’s ready, but it’s harder to ignore when Ash barely touches his dinner and Pikachu is already eating a second bowl of food. 

Delia shares a worried look with Pikachu, who stopped eating now as well, feeling his trainer’s distress. Ash just plays with the vegetables on his plate instead of eating them and Delia sighs at her son's behavior, because it’s such a red flag that he hasn’t eaten anything yet.

She winks at Pikachu and he gets the message immediately, slapping his red cheeks once and then sending a thunderbolt straight to his trainer. Ash falls from the chair to the floor from the attack impact, covered in smoke and not much surprised at his partner’s behavior. But he is surprised that Lucario hasn’t escaped his pokeball, picking up on his messy aura yet in being honest.

“Thanks, buddy”, he says to Pikachu, and looks up curiously at his mom who has just approached him.

“Ash, what’s wrong?”, she asks. There’s a lot of familiar motherly concern in her voice that makes Ash more uneasy. 

“I’m fine, mom”, he replies and Delia just shakes her head. “Don’t lie to me Ash Ketchum because I can clearly see that you are not fine”.

Ash winces at his mom’s harsh tone of voice, but in all honesty, he can’t blame her. He’s been acting weird since he arrived, and he tried to mask his sadness unsuccessfully. Of course, she would notice right away that something’s wrong. She is his mother after all.

Ash bites his lips for a second before taking a deep breath and then asking:

“Why does it hit differently?”

Delia looks at him curious, still processing the question, not fully knowing the meaning behind this yet. She wants to ask for further explanation, but Ash doesn’t let her.

“I’ve said goodbye to many people in my life, and none of them hit me that hard like saying goodbye to Goh. It hits different this time. Why?” 

Ash releases a shaky exhale that didn’t know that he was holding. He doesn’t even have time to ponder that tears are streaming down his face when Delia hugs him tightly and whispers sweet, comforting words to his ear.

It hits different because this time you loved someone dearly, it hits different ‘cause it’s him, she says, and he tries to ignore the familiar ache that washes over his heart again at her words.

He doesn’t explain to her why he can’t love Goh anymore, she feels it anyway.

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“I think I’ve met one of your friends”, Misty admits one day and Ash looks up at her curiously. 

It’s not something new, Misty knows a lot of Ash’s friends after all, but she never willingly admits it.

“Which one?”, Ash hums, distracted by how Pikachu runs after Misty’s Psyduck.

“Ahh, he wore gray clothes”. Oh.

“And he had an Inteleon. A cute and strong one”. Oh. 

“I wouldn’t have even known he’s one of your friends until I noticed his lockscreen. It was a picture of both of you. A cute one, with a lot of your Pokemon. I think it was taken in Pallet”. Uh oh.

Ash just hums to her words, not knowing what to reply to that. 

“Is he challenging the Kanto Gyms now?”, is what Ash asks instead after a minute of silence. The way neither of them referred to the boy by name, yet it sits so uncomfortably at his tongue. 

“Oh no, he was just walking by and his Grookey ran into the Gym. But we battled for fun, and his Inteleon was so strong. He lost though, but I still gave him the badge. He didn’t want to take it at first, because it wasn’t an official battle. But I convinced him to take it as a souvenir and as a reminder that he can challenge the other Gyms if he’d like to”, Misty smiles at the memory, and recalls Psyduck to his Pokeball when the headache starts to bother him. Pikachu is already jumping to sit on a familiar spot on Ash’s shoulder.

“That’s so nice of you”, Ash muses, absentmindedly petting Pikachu.

“He deserved it, he battled so well”, Misty says as her final words, when she notices Ash’s change in his demeanor.

Ash takes a deep breath to calm himself down, but it doesn’t help to calm Lucario in his Pokeball. He puts a firm hand over it and carefully traces the outline of it with his fingers. He doesn’t know if it’s to calm Lucario down or himself anymore.

“Are you doing alright?”, she asks worriedly, and Ash nods his head, not being so sure if he’s alright to be honest. He hasn't been feeling alright since the moment he went in the opposite direction to Goh, but Misty doesn’t need to know that.

Misty sighs. She decides to drop the topic anyway, seeing how unreachable Ash is right now. She tries a different approach.

“I heard there’s a Championship in a few months in Alola. Are you gonna defend your title?”, and as expected, Ash’s ears twitch at the sound of the upcoming league.

“You bet!”, Ash exclaims, some familiar sparks reappearing in his eyes again, Pikachu mimicking his trainer.

There’s the Ash I know, Misty thinks to herself. It doesn’t help her to ease the anxiety she feels over Ash’s weird behavior though.

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“You found yourself a buddy?”, Ash asks Gary, not believing his own words as he’s speaking them. 

They are in Vermilion City now, where Gary had to bring some research reports from Professor Oak to Professor Cerise, and Ash gladly accompanied him. Ash tries to ignore how every street of Vermilion reminds him of Goh now. Instead, he focuses on the familiar weight of Pikachu on his shoulder, Gary’s comforting presence and the information he has just found out.

A part of Ash is not shocked that Gary finally has found his second half honestly. He knew someone would love that arrogant part of Gary and find it amusing enough to end up in a relationship with him, but the other half of Ash has a hard time believing it.

“Yeah, you met him once – Tokio. Remember?”

Ash nods. He remembers Tokio from the Articuno Project Mew’s mission. Goh’s friend. But that’s all Ash could say about the boy. But how he could–

“Shoot the question, I know you want to ask”, Gary rolls his eyes, but he’s not upset at Ash in any way.

“But how exactly?”, Ash exclaims. Gary just laughs at him, but he’s happy to answer the question.

“We got a bit…closer during Project Mew and we spent a lot of time after that doing some research for my grandpa”.

Gary sounds shy, Ash notices, and it’s really rare to see Gary being shy in any way. 

“I’m happy for you”, is all Ash offers, his voice breaks a little, and Gary hums. His friend’s weird behavior has been worrying him since he saw him in Pallet Town a few weeks ago after saving the lost Charmander.

Ash hasn’t been acting like himself lately, but Gary didn’t have enough time to figure out what’s going on because Ash disappeared to Galar a few days later. He battled Bea once again, and the match ended up in a draw. Neither of them were upset about it, it only made them more fired up to train more and battle again soon. He hung out with Korrina and Leon here and there, he even battled Raihan as well.

Then he got a call from Goh, and Ash was happy to see his favorite shade of blue again. They were calling and messaging each other a lot lately, but it just wasn’t enough. Something was missing in Ash’s life, and that’s the person he can’t keep in his life anymore – Ash missed Goh, and Goh missed Ash. But Ash can’t love Goh anymore. At least that’s what he tells himself.

Gary sees Ash’s distant gaze, lost in his own thoughts. He sighs and states the obvious, without even hoping that Ash will hear him.

“You’re missing your own buddy, aren't cha?”

Ash just nods again. There’s no point of hiding anything from Gary. This guy is too smart and will see right through anyone.

“Then call him. I heard he’s in Vermilion”.

But to Gary’s surprise, Ash just shakes his head, without giving any form of explanation. Something in Gary’s heart ached at his friend’s behavior but he wasn’t questioning it.

He saw right through Ash and Goh immediately when they met for the first time back in Pallet Town. It was obvious that they both crushed on each other, and he was more than happy to tease them. Well, mostly Goh because well, he was the easier target, and besides, he and Ash didn’t butt heads anymore like they used to in their childhood days.

“If that’s what you want”, Gary just offers, to which Ash just quickly replies I know what I’m doing. The same words he said to his mom a few weeks earlier. Painful and untrue, because he doesn’t know what he’s doing – but he thinks he does.

Gary just closes his eyes – both in thought and with the familiar annoyance at his friend. 

“Just…don’t regret it later”, Gary tries to knock some sense into his friend before he drops the topic, seeing that Ash is certainly sure of his decision and won’t change his mind in any way. He’s stubborn as ever. 

But Ash…Ash already regrets everything. He regrets not stopping Goh from making up his mind about his own journey atop of Lugia. He regrets ignoring crying Goh the night before they went separate ways. He regrets not saying don’t go. He regrets his own decisions he hasn’t made yet, but is planning to. Because it’s…better this way, right?

Gary pets Umbreon when he hears Ash’s phone vibrate. He curiously looks up at Ash, who quickly fishes his phone out of his pocket – his already sad smile weakens at the name written on it. Gary doesn’t notice any typing back, Ash just nervously hides the phone back into his hoodie.

“Ashy?”, Gary asks worriedly, a lot of concern in his eyes, but the aforementioned boy just shakes his head.

“It’s nothing, we should be going back to Pallet Town, yeah?”

Gary sighs but doesn’t question anything – at least for now. He already had more than enough patience for Ash today, and he can only hope that Ash really knows what he’s doing like he’s claiming to.

And Ash genuinely thinks he knows what he’s doing. It will be for the better, right? Deep down, he knows it won’t. Just don’t regret it later, Gary’s words ring in his head. And he already regrets it. He’s about to make the dumbest decision ever, and he doesn’t stop himself from doing that anyway.

Hey Ash. I heard you are in Vermilion. Wanna hang out?

It’s the first of Goh’s messages Ash decides to ignore, and Ash hates himself for that.

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