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//Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now
Our song on the radio but it don't sound the same//
It took a good, long few hours for it to sink in that Kate was really gone. Beautiful, intelligent, witty Caitlin Todd was gone.
It took Gibbs adding one of those stupid little tubes of sugar to his coffee so she wouldn't be too disgusted when she inevitably took a sip for it to hit him and then it wouldn't stop.
The car smelled like her and he found himself already dreading the morning he climbed in and couldn't smell jasmine.
The passenger seat didn't look right anymore without her sat there on her phone.
And then the kicker. The real kicker. Her favourite song came on the radio.
Gibbs can't help but remember the little smile that always curled the corners of her lips, no matter how hard he tries not to. Can't help remembering the way she'd fidget a little in her seat before giving in and humming along. Drive the car. Just drive the goddamn car, Gunny. When she finally, finally gave in and sang along, she always kept her voice low and he'd more often than not strain to listen. If they were at home he might even turn the volume up and tuck her into his arms, depending on how affectionate he felt.
//When our friends talk about you all it does is just tear me down
'Cause my heart breaks a little when I hear your name//
He's late to her funeral. Half wishes he'd never come when he has to stand around long after she's six feet under.
He just wanted to say goodbye but things were never that easy.
People he doesn't know mill around, chatting quietly and people he does know mix a little too easily with them for his liking.
Kate's life and her work had always been separated by a harsh line and now that line's blurred and he hates it.
There's people she hasn't seen since she was a kid mourning and he hates himself for feeling as though they don't have a right. She's not the person they knew anymore. But God, if she was beautiful now she must have been better before the world had sunk it's cruel talons in.
He doesn't know how to approach her parents. How do you approach the parents of someone you loved (love) and tell them they don't really know you but you failed their daughter and it's killing you? You don't. So he doesn't.
He lingers awkwardly on the sidelines and tries not to flinch at the way Kate's name sounds on DiNozzo's lips when he wants to reminisce.
//I shoulda brought you flowers
And held your hand
Should've gave you all my hours
When I had the chance
Take you to every party
'Cause all you wanted to do was dance//
Gibbs ends up really saying goodbye after the funeral.
In his basement, jar of bourbon in hand. The pain isn't as sharp anymore. He's not a fire of rage and agony. He's hollowed out and wincing into wounds he'd thought long healed.
Because it wasn't just one of his agents that just died. That would be hell enough.
This was Kate. And she'd died taking a bullet aimed at him.
The fact that he'd failed someone so close so terribly leaves a bitter taste in his mouth and drags everything he should have done up to the forefront of his mind.
Every time she'd held back just a little from the rest of the team, unsure if she could deal with this, if this would be it for her. Every time she hadn't but had doubted herself anyway. He should have lingered back with her and laced their fingers together and found time to swipe a kiss into her hairline. Made sure she knew she belonged in those moments so she didn't have to remember for herself.
He should have pushed himself to be more of the man she wanted. Because of course they were happy together but he didn't do big, grand romantic gestures like she was used to. Like she'd always seemed so slightly embarrassed by.
But the one time he'd had a bouquet of flowers waiting at her desk for her birthday, she'd been so touched. DiNozzo had been confused, and admittedly that was part of the fun but he'd only gotten to see her eyes widen with surprise at that once. Only had her follow him into the lift and push herself up onto her toes to wrap her arms around his neck to steal a kiss in thanks for that once.
He should have made sure he pushed work to the side more for her, but then that'd never been his style and she didn't want someone that wasn't him.
He's not sure if he's just wishing for more time and pretending he'd have taken it if it'd been offered back then if he didn't know what was coming.
But he does know that the things he should have done but didn't hurt just as much as seeing her die had.