Chapter Text
The songs on the radio are okay, but my taste in music is your face.
One thing about Riku is that he hated Yushi's boyfriend.
Oh Sion and his big eyes and noisy laugh. Nothing he ever did was lowkey, and his vibes were just uncanny. He has never not smiled whenever he was with Yushi, to the point of being concerning. But he was dating Tokuno Yushi, the cutest boy Riku knew, so that was fair.
And it wasn't everything. The list of unexplainably irritating things Oh Sion did was pretty long. Like how he never left Yushi and Riku's apartment, to the point that he might as well move in with them. Or how he used Riku's vanilla scented shampoo every time, so they smelled the same. Or how he always glanced back at Riku after he and Yushi kissed, with a gaze impossible to decipher. Or how he never failed to bring Riku a smaller, less pretty flower when he remembered to bring Yushi a rose. Weird.
In perspective, none of that sounded particularly odd. One could even say it was sweet, he just wanted his boyfriend's best friend to feel included. But Riku wasn't falling for his stunts, he knew Sion hid something behind his too bright of a smile, and his annoying determination to always. Be. There. And making sure Riku was somehow included, and somehow treated as less than Yushi.
If it was jealousy, Riku understood it. He was pretty and fun to hang out with, and he's been Yushi's best friend since middle school. Everything to be jealous of – without trying to sound too self-absorbed. Sion entered the image just a few months ago, when Yushi met him in a dance class. The younger got home on a Saturday evening, a sickly smile impossible to take off of his face. He plopped next to Riku on his bed where he was watching anime on his laptop. Yushi let out the longest sigh, the happy kind, and he didn't even bother to take off his jacket. This was serious.
"You have good news to tell me." Riku guessed, to which his best friend responded by an even bigger – eerie – smile. "Spill."
"So... I met a guy-"
"What?"
"We got paired up in a choreo- for dance class... He's... tall, and, I guess you could say he's pretty... hot. I guess? And yeah- I-"
Riku watched with wonder the younger boy struggle finding the words, face heating up and fingers fidgeting on his hoodie strings. That was an unlikely state for Yushi to be in. In their ten-ish years of friendship, he has never shown that much interest for a guy, if not for that one k-pop idol he was obsessed with in high school. Yushi's first longing for a man, that lead to long conversations about his sexuality over tons of junk food on his bedroom floor in April 2021.
I think I like boys.
Yeah me too.
Oh?...But I don't know. Maybe girls are fine too.
But boys, though!
Yeah. Maybe I just like neither.
Conversations like those opened up the gate for the two of them to gossip about Riku's almost always ex boyfriends, as they never lasted more than a few weeks. God knows why. Yushi, though, never spoke about his love interests. This was the first time they're not talking about his fictional crushes and questionable hear-me-outs, but a real life boy. Breathing and existing within a few kilometers radius. Riku didn't know why yet, but he felt a pang in his heart. Maybe it had to do with realizing that his baby best friend wasn't a kid anymore – not that they have a consequent age gap – eventually leaving Riku for a more fulfilling relationship. He felt betrayed. The reaction was a little extreme, he knows, but Riku was nothing but an overthinker. Still, he put on a smile and showed interest in Yushi's crush, because he would not let his own feelings hinder the younger's newly blossoming love life. That would make him a bad, bad friend.
"Tell me more! What's his name?" He asks, with a fake happy voice he would later learn to master.
"Sion." Yushi's eyes were sparkling as he said this name.
----
Something that Yushi seemed to be very adamant on was making Riku third wheel in every single one of their dates. Okay. Two or three times a week maybe. But that was three times too many. He just wanted his best friend all to himself back, like before. But it was nice how Yushi included him in small parts of his life, still.
Their friendship wasn't on the weak side, Riku would say. They haven't fallen off despite choosing different life paths : Riku pursuing a communications degree and all sorts of part-time jobs, Yushi going all in for his dance major, something he's always loved to do, as far as Riku can remember. Being roommates was convenient because the apartment was at an equal distance to Riku and Yushi's occupations, but they only stayed home to sleep, mostly. Riku was happy to hang out with his best friend in their free time. But now with Sion in the picture, they became sort of an unofficial trio. But it was okay. Probably. Riku could take it. For Yushi, he would.
Today was not a particular day. Except maybe it was. It was Thursday, one of the rare days Sion wouldn't come over to their apartment because he worked a night shift. Riku was coming home from his part time tutoring job, exhausted, cold and hungry. He's dreamed all day of crashing out on the couch and laying completely still. Maybe let Yushi cook him something before, he was always happy to do so. They could also watch a movie on Yushi's macbook, and curl up together, sharing warmth. No. That last part was a bit unreasonable. Still, they have done that time and time before, much less lately. He shook his thoughts away as he took off his shoes and jacket, entering the apartment, a deliciously warm scent enveloping him.
"It smells so good here, what are you coo- Oh." Riku's smile dropped. Sion and Yushi were giggling over the stove, Sion's face literally hidden in Yushi's neck, their bodies pressed close to each other's. Riku immediately wanted to throw up, but he watched them unwillingly separate. "Hi Sion, didn't know you'd be coming over today." He greeted instead, all his energy sucked out of him. He couldn't fake a smile.
"Sion-hyung." The older one corrected, playfully. He always insisted on them calling him that , despite neither of them speaking Korean and living in Tokyo. Riku simply didn't care enough to accommodate to his Korean respect culture when Sion's the one who chose to move to Japan for his studies, or something. Riku couldn't give less of a shit. Though, he's overhead Yushi moaning that nickname through his bedroom walls once. Yeah, that was horrifying. Traumatic, even. “Yeah, right here, hyung. So good...” Let's not even go there.
"I got rescheduled at work." Sion added. Riku still wasn't sure what he did for a job. He always came over smelling like coffee, though. Not that he particularly paid attention, but he did like the smell of coffee.
"He's sleeping here actually. It's okay with you right?" Yushi asked, gleeful.
"Uh. Sure. He's always here anyway, why do you ask?" It's not like this hasn't been the standard for the past two months, he thought but didn't say. He begged them to stay quiet this time, only with the power of his convincing stare.
"I made us dinner." Sion grinned. "Yushi helped!"
"Thanks, but I'm not really hungry. I grabbed something on my way here." And as if calling him a liar, Riku's stomach started to growl. Loud. Embarrassingly so. Sion scoffed under his breath. He can go to hell, actually.
"Aw, come on, just eat. It's miso soup." Yushi offers with a sweet smile.
Ugh, fine.
Riku served himself a bowl and sat down to eat. The bitterness of having to watch the two spoon-feed each other wasn't enough to mask the delicious taste of Sion's soup.
Later that night, Sion even helped him wash the dishes. The ambiance was awkward, as it often was everytime the two of them were alone together. It didn't happen much, Riku made sure of it, but it was sometimes inevitable. Something about being alone with him just made him feel uncomfortable beyond normal, and small. The guy wasn't intimidating per se, but there was this feeling about him that Riku couldn't point out exactly, like he was too nice to be real. He was taking him for an idiot, for sure (Source : the voices in Riku's head).
The kitchen was now in complete silence, except for the water splashing, the dishes clashing and Yushi's muffled singing from the bathroom.
"Did you like the soup? Yuu-chan said it's your favorite." Sion's calm voice pierced through the silence. Riku knew by his volume that his face was close to his, it was like a habit to him, harassing people by putting his entire face up on theirs. But Riku would be stupid to turn his head and meet Sion's insistent eyes and preying smile. He'd rather just die on the spot than to make eye contact with the guy. It was too embarrassing.
"It was alright." Riku responded, head hung as low as humanly possible and voice almost inaudible.
Riku stiffened yet again, when Sion's hand brushed inadvertently his, as he reached to rinse a soaped up plate. The water was cold but his skin flared up at the touch. He held his breath. Sion flitted away too quickly for it to go unnoticed.
They just carried on with the dishes.
"Thank you." Riku said a bit too late. For the food? For cleaning? It didn't even matter anymore. It was suffocating enough being so close to the older, he needed a way out.
"Always a pleasure, Riku-chan. Good night." He said when they finished, flashing him a smile. Sion has only ever been calling Yushi by that little nickname, he was definitely making fun of Riku. It made his stomach churn in awkwardness.
"You too."
He barely had enough time to take a deep breath and slide between his covers when Yushi knocked at his bedroom door. The boy looked soft, skin glowing and hair still damp after his shower. He was pretty.
"Hey, rough day?" He asked as he settled at the end of Riku's bed. His hand seemed to ache to brush over Riku's leg, hovering back and forth where it sat. He smoothed the blanket right next to it instead. No, I'm just really sick of your boyfriend being always here, Riku wanted to say out loud.
Of course, he could not say that. What would Yushi think of him ? The words got stuck in his throat. It was unusual for him to hold back with Yushi, he was one to just say whatever was on his mind. He became much more reserved after Sion happened – he was a broken record at this point : Sion, Sion, Sion all the time, everywhere.
Just a while after the two started dating, Riku found himself not telling Yushi about his chaotic love life anymore, feeling inadequate as opposed to his and Sion's idyllic one. Why would Yushi care about his nth Tinder situationship that would lead nowhere and end in a week, when he's found Mr.-Prince-Charming-who-brings-gifts-and-helps-changing-his-light-bulb ? He didn't wanna bother Yushi with his futile problems (he was also terribly embarrassed). He didn't share much about his days either. It was always boring anyway. Just a never-ending cycle of getting ready for university, commuting, studying, working, then coming home. His only highlights of the week were during Yushi and Sion's dates, where he watched the couple be happy and try to vicariously live the way they do – always on some side quests and dance terminologies he didn't fully understand. That didn't really work, because he internalized more bitterness than anything else. It was complicated.
Riku was afraid of one thing : that they would find out. That one day, they would wake up and know that Riku just keeps a facade with them, that he's not exactly happy for them but puts on a smile to avoid confrontation – what was there to confront anyway? He was just a jealous freak.
Thinking about it, maybe he didn't put on a good enough act. Yushi seemed to know. Little by little, his best friend stopped sending him red hearts in their text messages, they stopped hugging when they said goodbye in the morning. Yushi kept him at an invisible distance. Rightfully so, he guessed.
"Mmh. I'm just tired." He responded, flat. They didn't look into each other's eyes but he could feel Yushi's gaze on him, heavy. He unlocked his phone and pretended to reply to non-existent messages. Everything was fine, Riku swore to himself. This was going to pass.
"Umh... Sion and I are going to a music festival this week-end, you're coming right?"
"Sure. Yeah, of course."
"Nice." Yushi seemed not determined to not leave the room.
The conversation died down. There was nothing more to say. They sat in silence for a bit, punctuated by Riku's yawning, and it was Yushi's cue to leave. He nodded to himself slowly, pensive, heading to the door. He looked a little crazy.
"Riku do you-" He turns back. "Nevermind. Sleep well."
---
Riku was too much up in his head to enjoy the festival. Maybe this was a sick joke, some sort of psychological torture. They were in the crowd of one of his favorite bands – somehow, Sion had managed to find out he liked Remioromen – at a decent distance from the stage.
This was supposed to be a happy moment, but why couldn't he tear his eyes off Yushi and Sion? They were singing along, looking at each other only, like they were the last people on earth. This was like a scene from a movie : the stage lights reflected in their eyes, they moved like in slow motion, steady against each other. Yushi's smile was so bright, and Sion's, almost endearing. Riku looked down to see their fingers intertwined, and watched long enough to notice Sion squeeze Yushi's hand. Riku wondered if he'd ever receive as much love through a simple touch. Without him even knowing, tears started to well up in the corner of Riku's eyes, his chest grew heavy with loneliness. He couldn't even name every emotion he felt.
"Riku?"
Whose voice it was, it didn't matter much. He felt equally upset with both. He lowered his head and rushed away from the couple, against the wave of hundred bodies around around.
"I'm getting us drinks!" He lied. "I'll be back!" His trembling voice surprised even him. Maeda Riku, you are so fucked.
No one came after him, which was at the same time relieving and really miserable. And the line to the beer stand was too long and started to feel personal to Riku, as if it forced him to stand there alone with his three thousand thoughts. What the fuck was wrong with him? It wasn't normal to cry because your best friend and his boyfriend were in love. It wasn't normal at all. Riku wanted to blame it on Venus retrograde but he wasn't sure he really believed in astrology. Maybe hormonal problems, but he was as healthy as one can be. He must probably was losing his mind. That must be it. Yes. Not so convincing.
Honestly, he just missed Yushi. He missed his warm smiles addressed only to him, and his soft particular gaze, full of what Riku would call love when they would laugh. He missed being completely himself, no walking on eggshells whenever he had to say something. He missed being able to go to Yushi for no reason and ask for a cuddle, and smell his lavender fabric softener on his chest. He's been daydreaming of Yushi's touch a terrible amount lately. He missed Yushi being just his and no one else's.
Riku cackled to himself. These were not the ideal circumstances to admit being in love with your best friend, but it was long overdue.
"Dude, are you buying or not?" Someone shouted behind him, making him snap out of his thoughts.
"Oh yeah, sorry. I'll have three beers." He orders.
Somehow Yushi ended up being more drunk than anyone else. After the show was done – which did take an awfully long time where Riku had to force himself to enjoy – he insisted on bringing some booze home to drink some more. There was no way it would end well.
So there they were, at 10pm, on their living room floor, surrounded by empty bottles and almost finished snacks.
"Let's get you to bed, baby." Sion says softly, plopping Yushi on his feet by his armpits.
"Riku..." Yushi mumbles
"What about him?" Sion giggles. "Want him to help you ?" Yushi nodded. "You heard the man." Sion shrugged, visibly amused by the situation.
"Oh, well..." It's not that whenever Yushi asks, Riku always obliges, but it's exactly that. His hazy mind could not resist a pouty Yushi either way.
They struggle making Yushi walk all the way to his bedroom. The younger was lucky to have a king sized bed but even that was too small to fit all three of them. Time kind of stopped when Riku's back hit the mattress. He was there, and so was Yushi, and Sion, who was awfully quiet. He didn't have it in him to check if the older had suddenly fallen asleep. Only two things he was sure about : Sion's arm was around Yushi, Yushi's arm was around him. Okay. Fuck this. He was drunk enough and emotionally exhausted enough.
He watched the ceilings spin and felt Yushi's slow breath on the side of his face. Like he was possessed, he turned on his side, silently watching his best friend’s soft features. In the dim lights, he looked so peaceful, his soft eyelashes almost brushing his cheeks that were flushed red from the alcohol. His lips were half open in a long sigh. Riku was so close he could kiss him if he just scooted closer. The thought terrified him. Riku moved just an inch to try to get away, but Yushi's grip on his arm grew stronger. The gesture felt so intimate, as if saying "Don't leave", and it probably did.
"Riku..." His name from Yushi's mouth has never sounded so painful. "I miss you..." It all was too much to handle. Suddenly he felt warm all over, and tears threatened to spill. Today was not easy.
"I'm right here." His mouth blurts out before his brain could figure anything else out. Shit, that was too loud, Sion surely heard. Riku turns his head slowly, only to lock eyes with Sion. He was already watching him, a slightly pained expression on his face.
He couldn't do it. He couldn't stay there longer.
Riku stumbled clumsily out of the bed, to the balcony. It wasn't a real balcony, just a large window that prolonged just a few inches outside. Riku's hideout place to watch the sunrise on good days, or bad days, it depends. The cold air slapped his face as he opened the window, and it felt like all he needed to sober up just enough. He felt Sion's quiet presence creep up behind him, then by his side, close. Too close. In the corner of his eyes he saw him lean on the window frame, carefully.
"Riku, can I ask you something?" Sion started. He sounded calm. "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
Riku and Sion's hands were both hanging out the window frame as they leaned against it. It took the younger everything to pretend not seeing the older's inch closer to his, not enough to completely hold it. What was happening ?
"Why do you always distance yourself from us?" He whispers. "From me."
Okay. That was unexpected.
"What do you mean?" It was unimaginable that out of all the things Sion should be concerned about was... that. He wasn't distancing himself, he was left out, purposefully. What was he talking about ? Wasn't he the one who always made Riku feel so overlooked ?
"You really hate me that much?" Sion asks again, and his plea hurt Riku in a way he did not know he could. I don't hate you. He wanted to say, but that wasn't completely true. You hate me. Would be more accurate. "Don't respond. I actually don't know what to do if you say yes." Sion laughs dryly. So Riku stayed silent.
It wasn't the first time they were alone like this, but it was the first time Riku felt... seen, in Sion's presence. He wasn't hidden in his barrier of suspicions and anxiety. He was entirely vulnerable to the older and it was reciprocal. Sion has never been this real around him. Or maybe he always has. Riku couldn't tell.
Sion searched in his pocket and put out two things : his pack of Marlborough, and a small unidentifiable black thing that he handed Riku.
"I got you this."
It was a keychain. A tiny polymer figure of Jiji from Kiki's Delivery Service, that fit right in Riku's palm.
"A black cat. It made me think of you." He said.
He lit up a cigarette, and never spoke again the rest of the night. Riku didn't know what to say.