Archive of Our Own

It happened out of the blue. He hadn’t thought about his parents in a while, not after how he parted ways.

He hasn’t really talked to Chan about his family other than the conclusion of it. And yes, Jisung had thought about it, but he doesn’t want to burden Chan with it. He can only imagine that it comes to his mind because of something Chan said.

 Chan had said that his mother had messaged him asking if he had already finished throwing his tantrum and if he would just pick up the phone. Chan had been upset as he told Jisung about it.

Jisung felt the irritation bubbling up just thinking about how it was said to Chan, but Jisung didn’t get a chance to say anything, because Chan had touched his clenched hand and smiled knowingly.

“It’s the holiday season, Sungie, I don’t want to have bad moments or memories.” Chan had said, grabbing Jisung by the waist to lead him to bed. He grinned when Jisung let him and he crawled over him. Jisung raised a brow as Chan ran his fingers through his hair, tracing his finger over Jisung’s brow and cheek.

“Sungie, you’re so compliant” Chan murmured as he leaned to kiss his jaw. Jisung laughs as he tugs Chan to lay on him before he rolls them over. Chan yelps as he is manhandled and Jisung can’t help the laugh that spills from his mouth as he presses his lips to Chan’s neck.

“So cute” Jisung murmurs, pushing his negative feelings aside to enjoy this moment with him. Chan giggles as Jisung pokes at his ribs gently. Chan huffs as he moves around until he rolls them over, moving to rest his head against Jisung’s chest, twining their fingers.

Jisung hums at him and settles down to stay in the comfort of Chan’s heat. It’s not as often as they can to lay there and spend quiet times together, with Chan’s busy schedule.

He felt Chan move around, it was pretty late as they laid there, relaxing. The press of Chan’s warm hand against his.

He had a memories of his family as he laid there, caressing Chan’s back as the latter was pressed to him.

Jisung has always been apprehensive of people, let alone people touching him – be it accidentally or not. He’s particular about the people he talks to, the people he hangs out and allows to invade his personal space.

He's always been like that, as far as he remembers, and it could possibly be due to having a family that is very reserved and doesn’t show affection as many families do.

His father, strict and expectant of proper etiquette, keeping a very direct and up front attitude. Words chosen to be precise – for his message to come through.

His mother, busy with her own job. She was more aloof – sometimes Jisung felt like despite his mother being there, she seemed more distant, as if she didn’t really take him into account. Well, to be honest, Jisung is not surprised. His father may have said that she was now his mother; when he was 5 years old – after his own mother up and left. A stepmother, but it seemed to stir gossip, so his father ingrained it to him to address her as such. He never heard or saw his birth mother ever again.

He was young – his father mentioned that he had barely turned three, when his mother abandoned them. Emotionally he wasn’t attached to her enough that he slowly forgot about her being there until she wasn’t. Then there was her.

In reality, Jisung didn’t dislike her. She was just a mother figure put in place by his father, but Jisung was told to give her that respect. So he grew up with her as his mother. Casual and nice in front of strangers and her coworkers, his father’s boss and friends.

As Jisung grew up, he would see parents dropping off their children, curious at their behavior. Mothers kissing their kids cheeks or forehead. A quick tight hug, a pat on the back. Hear them gush about their kids.

He would hear his father muttering under his breath about unnecessary coddling.

His school attendance was merely a means to an end. Go to school until he gets his degree and get a career. Move away from his family.

And isn’t that the interesting part. Throughout his growth, he didn’t particularly feel attached to his father’s home. Not to a school when they moved. Not to his neighbors – his father kept a strict schedule and often scolded Jisung to mind his behavior.

You’re not a child anymore. Focus on your studies, we don’t need added weight to our expenses.

By the time he was on the last year of middle school, Jisung realized how bored he was. Tedious studies, boring assignments, teachers droning on and on. He’s not a genius as people tend to say. Not by a long shot, but he was aware that academics and other means of study came easy to him.

Determined to find his own way. He wanted to just be away from this place. He felt caged and detached. He made a bet with his father of sort – a calculated risk, to be honest. Jisung didn’t have anyone he was close to. His friends he attempted to make were basically zero, had tried and failed to feel attachment or found himself just not interested enough to make a connection.

The only thing he had going for him was the mere saved allowance he received from his father since he was a child – the idea of saving and working for it ingrained since he was little. He never told his father about it, despite being the one constantly badgering him.

His father stared at him, eyes condescending as he sat on the leather chair. Has his father always been like this? Jisung often asked himself if his father actually cared at all.

“Give me a year in the city. I will go to that college you praise so much and I will graduate within 2 years” well, Jisung did not know how possible that was, but he will push it to the limits.

“You may be smart – if your professors aren’t just praising everyone for the bare minimum” his father scoffed. He was always saying how the school system seemed to be lacking, “but do you really see that happening?”

Jisung gritted his teeth; truth was, he knew he was being arrogant himself. A trait he despises in himself, as if it was a strain in his DNA. He reeled his emotions and maybe because he wasn’t even sixteen yet, he was still learning himself, his limits and his emotions.

“I don’t see how this is a bad deal for you” he hears himself say, as if he’s listening into a conversation far away, “Once I leave you don’t have to worry about my being. Just you and her. If I graduate, you get to gloat about it, if I don’t, I still disappear and you wouldn’t need to worry about it.”

His father eyed him, resting his ankle over his knee. As if weighing in his words, his options.

“Very well, I will wire you the money for one year, after that, you are on your own. I don’t want to see you crawling back here after your failure” His father answered.

Jisung was actually surprised, but not as much as he had hoped he could feel.

“Great.” Jsiung said, and blinked as he saw his father standing up and walking to him. He was close and for once Jisung saw a flicker in his eyes.

“Don’t be so condescending” his father said, extending his hand towards him, making Jisung blink as he tentatively shook the hand, “once you realize how easy you’ve had it, you’ll probably regret it, but you’ll realize that soon and by then, it will be too late” his father said.

Letting go of his hand, he walked out of the study. Jisung stood there, heart hammering against his chest.

Step one and he felt almost euphoric.

He had passed the examination for graduating high-school, in fact, Jisung had decided that he might give it a shot and attempt the college entrance exam.

The day that he was leaving, with a mere backpack and a small suitcase – after all, he wanted to take minimum items, a way to show what he could do without, his stepmother walked quietly into the hallway.

“You’re really leaving,” she stated, eying him from a small distance.

He sighed and turned to her. She was small, both in size and height. Funny that before he used to see her differently.

“Yes”

“I just don’t understand, you’re still a child” she said, rubbing at her arm. Jisung smiled and he knew it was bitter.

“I suppose I am.” He replied, sighing as he took a step towards her, making her step back. He paused and shook his head, grabbing the handle of the luggage.

“You have always been a constant reminder of her, you know” she says. Jisung halts for a mere moment before he ignores it. The reality was, that ever since he was young, when she came into their lives, she kept her distance. She would look at him at times and he could see the frown on her lips as she stared at his features.

“Maybe this will be good. Your father will get rid of the constant reminder with you gone” she said, nodding to herself as if she spoke wise words and agreed to them herself.

“Hmm, well, I better be on my way now” he said, not once looking back. As he hopped on the train towards the city, he sighed and rested his head against the headrest of the seat – a three hour ride will get him to the city by ten at night and he will go directly to the hotel his father so graciously reserved in advanced.

He will have to move into the dorm that following week, when they assigned roommates in the dorm. So Jisung passed his entrance exam and was accepted to the college his father often talked about. He hadn’t told his father, in a way, Jisung realized that he could use this one year to pick himself and start anew on his own. He will have to find a job and study.

His roommate was absent for the most part. Jisung would see him once or twice every two weeks.

“Just keep things clean and don’t be so loud. We’ll be fine as roommates if you can do that.”

Kim Seungmin , as it turns out, he wasn’t the only one starting early.

Throughout the year, Jisung found that going to college wasn’t as easy as he thought, but it wasn’t the worst. The assignments, the courses, his peers and professors, and his job. Overall, Jisung found himself too busy to make friends. To socialize. Kim Seungmin was more present in the dorm towards the end of the first year.

Jisung found him interesting enough. Not like they were best friends or anything like that, but Kim Seungmin was a very particular person as well. He was blunt and at the same time very kind. Maybe Jisung was still understanding himself and maybe his roommate as well, because every once in a while they would argue about the dumbest thing and one would just take off. Jisung didn’t have anywhere else to go, but to the library, the Café or his job.

And maybe that’s why he can appreciate how hard working Chan is.

His sweet Chan. So effortlessly beautiful and kind.

He felt him trace his fingers against the palm of his hand. He hummed in question when Chan mumbled something.

“Jisung-ah” Chan says a bit louder, but not by much since he had his nose pressed against Jisung’s jaw. Chan seemed hesitant before he breathed in deeply and rose, staring at him as he straddled his thighs. Jisung stared back, taking in the glitter around Chan’s eyes. Lips tainted pink and contacts giving him an ethereal visual – they had just arrived from Minho’s after party graduation celebration.

“I was thinking …” Chan starts, bites his bottom lip and looks down to where his hands rest against Jisung’s chest. Jisung reaches to touch his hand and feels the bands around his finger. Chan raises his head and looks at Jisung. A small smile on his lips now.

“What do you think about us buying a house?” Chan asks, eyes wide and curious.

Jisung can automatically imagine a warm house, full of Chan’s energy. So radiant and full of life – unlike his parents home.

He looks at Chan, sees him chew on his bottom lip,  a different kind of nervousness. Jisung reaches up to cup his jaw, leans up on one elbow and noses gently at Chan’s cheek.

“I can buy one” Jisung says. Chan pauses and then shakes his head. Jisung blinks confused.

“Sungie …” Chan says, sighing softly as he reached with his free hand to grasp his hand from his jaw and lightly push at him. Jisung still blinks.

Chan huffs and shakes his head.

“Us, Jisung-ah. Together.” Chan clarifies.

Jisung sighs and drops back to rest on the bed.

“Chan-ssi,” he starts, but Chan leans down and presses his lips against his to stop his words. Jisung reaches over to grasp his thigh. Chan mumbles against his lips and then pulls back.

“You promised me, Jisung” Chan says, eyes searching – asking for Jisung to show him how truthful he is.

Jisung sighs, closes his eyes for a second and then he nods, though he grumbles.

“Okay, Chan-ssi, but – ”

Chan shakes his head stubbornly before a grin graces his plush lips and leans to kiss him again. Jisung sighs against his mouth and Chan nips playfully at his lips. Jisung lets Chan win, lets him feel like a small victory as he tries to distract him. Chan plays his cards right, knows that Jisung is weak to him. But Jisung knows, Chan would never take advantage of that.

Despite his friend – he still laughs at that – that was skeptical about Jisung’s infatuation.

“When he steals all your money, I’m not even giving you a cent for Ramen.” Seungmin threatens, but Jisung knows, Seungmin would never let him starve.

“The only reason I’m skeptical is because you seem to be rushing this relationship” Seungmin huffs, crossing his arms as he leans on the wall that is by the window, eyes casted towards the city.

Jisung stares at him from his desk.

“I’m not rushing it, it’s been a little over a year” he responds, rises from his seat and walks towards him. Seungmin hums as he looks back at him briefly before looking out again.

“Maybe if you meet him, you’ll understand. He isn’t ...” he trails off as he feels his phone buzz in his pocket. He smiles at the image of Chan’s dimpled smile as a call comes through.

Seungmin agrees to meet Chan then.

“Chan said he will prepare dinner.”

Jisung steps into his condo with Seungmin in tow. Seungmin glances around, makes an observation and Jisung knows. It looks different. Way different than last time he visited. Last time, Chan was still not living with him. While Chan did move in and added things here and there, their bedroom is where you can see Chan’s personality.

There was more color. Maybe because Chan’s presence lies in the little things. Books stacked on the coffee table. Vinyls added to the shelves, plants and succulents, small enough to almost miss. Small things yet it spoke volumes. Seungmin gave him a stare before he turned to the humming coming from the kitchen.

“Chan-ssi” Jisung calls, and he hears him tinkling around the kitchen before he hears soft shuffles and then he sees him come out. A black apron around his waist over his black slacks and dark blue dress button up shirt with the sleeves rolled to his forearms.

“Jisung-ah” Chan says, a smile on his lips before he tilts his head curiously as he sees he’s not alone.

“Chan-ssi, this is Kim Seungmin, my friend” he says. Seungmin scoffs as he bows and then seeing Chan had extended his hand, he reciprocates.

“Best friend, actually aka voice of reason, Kim Seungmin, nice to meet you” he introduces himself. Chan smiles wider at his introduction. Jisung grumbles and Chan grins at him, as he steps closer. Jisung sighs when Chan plants a kiss to his cheek.

“Well, Jisung-ah, Minho was teaching me how to cook this meal, so hopefully it tastes okay” Chan murmurs, cheeks flushing.

Jisung knows Minho comes often enough to help Chan with new recipes.

Jisung tries to ignore how intensely Seungmin stares at Chan. Studying him and how he behaves. He’s seen Chan shift here and there, clearing his throat and then reaching to squeeze Jisung’s hand.

Jisung responds by twining their fingers and reaching to cup Chan’s jaw.

He looks him in the eyes and smiles. Chan opens his mouth as if to say something, but then Seungmin clears his throat, making Chan jump slightly and Jisung to halt his movements.

In reality, he knows how it seems. Chan may not know how far gone Jisung actually is. He knows what Jisung tells him, what he experienced.

Jisung’s whole world focuses on Chan. His happiness. His smile. Anything for Chan.

“This is actually good,” Seungmin praises. Chan blinks and smiles wide.

“Thank you! Oh my gosh, I was wondering if I left it in the stove for too long” Chan sighs, glancing at Jisung with a toothy smile. Jisung feels a lurch in his chest, the tingling sensation on his gums – wants to lean and take in Chan’s radiance.

They finish with dinner and they step into the living room with tea. Seungmin hums and takes in the books, tilting his head curiously before averting his gaze around and then back to Chan.

“Jisung tells me you guys are planning on buying a house?” he asks. Jisung knows, Seungmin is polite, but cautious – wants to hear the truth from Chan.

Chan blinks and then his eyes brighten. Jisung smiles at him when Chan looks at him, as if asking if it was okay to talk about it and Jisung gives him a nod.

“Yes! We actually haven’t decided,” Chan says, “in this economy, it’s kind of hard to find a good house that is affordable” Chan says. Seungmin blinks but then snorts at that.

“Jisung can literally just buy whatever house you want. Isn’t that what he’s doing anyway?” Jisung bristles at that, and Chan instantly becomes quiet, body tense.

Jisung breathes quietly, touching Chan’s waist gently. Chan bites his lip and glances at Jisung. He feels like there’s a weight on his chest as he sees how hurt Chan is.

“Um … let me get more tea” Chan suddenly says, standing up and walking to the kitchen before they can say otherwise.

Jisung’s body heats up, hands clenched, his feelings bubbling up and turns to glare at his friend.

“Don’t play these games, Kim Seungmin” he hisses. Seungmin, if surprised by his response, he didn’t show it.

“Isn’t that the truth, you said you’d buy whatever house he wanted.” Seungmin blinks slowly.

“I said, ‘I’ wanted – Chan-ssi wants to share the responsibility. He’s not like you think he is. Show him more respect and stop talking nonsense”

“Nonsense?! I’ve seen the expenses you’ve made ever since you met him. Not only that, but you’ve also sent money to his parent. As your financial advisor – let me tell you, it doesn’t look good on him.”

“That’s all on me. I’ve told you.”

“Well, he doesn’t seem to mind that. In fact, he probably is just pretending t –” Seungmin clamps his mouth shut when Chan comes back. Jisung takes a deep breath and looks at him. He takes in the red rimmed eyes, watery and sad, a tentative smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

Jisung sighs and stares back at Seungmin, before he shakes his head and walks to Chan.

“Chan-ssi” he starts, Chan blinks and focuses on Jisung. He offers him another small smile before it goes away and then a determination flashes in his orbs as he looks back to Seungmin.

“Jisung-ah … can I talk to Seungmin alone?” Chan asks, surprising both of them.

In reality, Jisung can appreciate Seungmin’s bluntness. Has known he can sound rude even, but he’s known him the longest and knows that Seungmin is just honest to a fault.

A month after, Seungmin visits. This time, Chan is on his research expedition.

“Oh, he’s not here” Seungmin says as soon as Jisung lets him know.

“Yes, he will be coming home on Saturday. Has a presentation to do regarding his research” Jisung says tiredly. He’s been missing him more than usual the past week.

“Hmm, well, here, it’s for him” Seungmin says, handing Jisung a book. Ah. The new sci-fi series book Chan said he wanted so much. He had missed the book signing and Jisung saw how devastated he was, but had smiled when Jisung found the book online and had it shipped to him.

Jisung-ah, I really wanted this book. Thank you.

Chan had made him promise to not buy the signed version – it’s not the same as being there. He had said.  

“I had it signed for him, personalized” Seungmin says. Jisung raises a brow, making Seungmin flustered.

“I’m just trying to amend the previous encounter, okay.” Seungmin sputters, making Jisung sigh.

“You know, just an apology would probably mean more to him” Jisung says, now amused. Seungmin huffs, but then says he has to head back.

“Fine, I’ll let him know” Jisung grumbles. He bites his need to laugh seeing how Seungmin is already flustered.

Chan is dumbfounded. Jisung cups his jaw and leans to press a kiss on his lips. He looks at him and sees the small gathering of tears.

“So … he doesn’t hate me?” Chan asks, brown eyes staring back. Jisung huffs and shakes his head.

“Chan-ssi” he murmurs, nuzzling his jaw, “he never hated you. I guess, you can say, he’s a little protective” Jisung says.

Chan blinks and then nods.

“I mean … I guess I understand …” he pauses and then, “Jisung-ah … has there been someone before me, someone that has triggered this?” Chan asked.

Jisung pulls back and stares at him curiously.

It never came up, his past relationships, never thought Chan was interested enough, but Jisung was always open to talk about it. It just wasn’t in the forefront of his mind. The past was just that.

He hums as he grasps Chan’s hand.

“I guess there was one person, but it wasn’t like you’re probably thinking it was” Jisung says, a small smile.

Chan blinks twice before he pauses and then furrows his brows, “Jisung-ah … will you have ever told me?” Chan asks, searching his eyes.

Jisung reaches to thumb at his cheek.

“If you want to know, Chan-ssi, I’ll tell you.  I’m not trying to keep it a secret, it just never came to my mind because it’s not important.” He responds.

Chan bites his lip then looks at their twined hands, then back to Jisung. He nods as his eyes take in a determined glint. Jisung finds his expression cute.

Chan’s stomach grumbles then and he sees his cheeks suddenly take a blush. Jisung huffs a laugh as he leads Chan back to the main door.

“Come, Chan-ssi, you eating is more important right now. I’ll tell you whatever you want to know” he promises, squeezing Chan’s hand. In reality, Jisung wants to hide him for the rest of the day to keep him all to himself. After he’s been gone for a couple of weeks, Jisung wants every second with Chan to count.

Chan laughs lightly and follows him, giggling when Jisung herded him into the corner of the elevator. Chan looks at him, a grin on his lips as he reaches under Jisung’s arm to press the lobby button.

“Sungie, do you ever wonder what the security thinks when they see crazy people in the elevator?” Chan asks. Jisung huffs a laugh and rests his forehead to Chan’s shoulder. Chan reaches to pet his scalp and he sighs contently.

“Those crazy people” Jisung says, earning a hiccup laugh from Chan.

“indeed” Chan whispers, lightly tugging Jisung’s hair to look at him. Jisung sighs when Chan leans in to kiss him, “did you miss me, Sungie?” Chan mumbles against his lips. Jisung hums and leans more to lick at his lips. Chan lets him align their mouths together, opening up and allowing Jisung to nip at his bottom lip.

Jisung hears the ding of the elevator before the doors slides open as he pulls away. Chan’s face flushed and lips swollen and red.

“Maybe we should have ordered in” Jisung says, winking at Chan as he tugs him out of the elevator.

“Stop” Chan laughs, hiding his face against Jisung’s shoulder. Jisung laughs in return as he leads them out. Chan always has the cutest reactions when embarrassed.

Jisung pointed to different restaurants, delis, cafes and bars Chan might want to try. Chan hummed here and there, squeezing Jisung’s hand.

“Hmm, I’m not that hungry though” Chan said, “let’s walk around for a bit, yeah?” Chan proposed and who was Jisung to deny him.

They end up at the park a few blocks out of their area. It’s a quiet evening as they stroll down the path of the Han River.

“Jisung-ah, did you like that person a lot? Did you love them?” Chan suddenly asks. Jisung pauses to glance at him and then leads Chan towards the railing by the river.

“I don’t think I’d describe that as love …” Jisung pauses.

Chan nods, listening.

“His name was Felix … I met him at a dinner, he was a socialite.” Jisung says thoughtfully. Chan raises his head and stares at him.

“In reality, he didn’t really have that much of an influence in his circle – I think because he wasn’t well versed in that type of society. He was cute, eloquent and very sociable. We got along just fine, it was never really anything serious when we met after the first time.” Jisung says, thoughtfully.

Jisung reaches to touch Chan’s jaw, eyes darting to assess his expressions. He tucks a strand of hair behind Chan’s ear, absentmindedly thinks that Chan’s hair has gotten longer. He notices Chan’s eyes cloud over, and he wants to clarify things.

“You must understand, Chan-ssi, it was never anything like what you and I have.” Chan stares into his eyes and then turns away to averts his eyes.

“In turn for him showing up at events with me, I’d give him access to an unlimited credit card.”  Chan’s breath hitches, whipping his head back to him. Jisung could see the darkness in his eyes.

“At some point in time, I really thought he’d leave the socialite life. You know, settle down, since he used to talk about leaving and finding someone. It wasn’t that I felt a deep connection with him, but rather, I was curious of how well we clicked, but I never really saw a future with him. There was always a distance I couldn’t bridge and maybe I didn’t really have that determination to reach out – I never really gave it a second thought” Jisung pauses, tugging Chan in front of him to press his hip against the railing. Chan huffs an annoyed breath, making Jisung cup his face and lean close.

“Felix eventually began to break the one rule – the contract was for exclusivity and he’d have full access. Then, one day he just stopped answering. I wasn’t sad or unhappy. It just … it was something that I knew could happen and I wasn’t invested in it developing further. Then, I saw him at another charity event and he just, I don’t, he seemed upset about it. I didn’t understand, but he didn’t really explained and just said ‘you’re kind of hard to understand’, after that, I didn’t see him. I did hear, however, that he had moved away, but I never really found the time to look further at that situation.”

Jisung thumbs at Chan’s cheek, smiling fondly at Chan’s expression. He acknowledges to himself, that with Chan, he’s reaching as if it’s his lifeline to be with him.

“Chan-ssi, for you, I’m willing to burn the whole world down. I want to keep you close and tie you to me. I will fight anything and anyone that tries to get in between us” Jisung says, stare focused on Chan. Chan gasps and his eyes flutter as he looks back at him.

“Jisung-ah” Chan whispers.

Jisung leans to press a kiss on his forehead. Chan shudders as he leans close, and Jisung pulls him closer to nuzzle his temple.

“It’s not a comparison, it never will be because you are you and he is his own person. The reality is, that while I was fond of him at his individuality, I love every bit of you.” Jisung brings their hands between them, slipping his fingers to caress Chan’s knuckles and lean to press a kiss on the ring.

“Chan-ssi, you’re so hard working, so independent and honest, I gave you every opportunity to show me otherwise.” He says, tilting Chan’s head up to press a kiss on the corner of his mouth.

“Everything I gave you, Chan-ssi, I gave to you without question or hesitation. I want to spoil you and yet you are determined to stop me every step of the way” Jisung grumbles. Chan pouts, puffs his cheeks cutely.

Jisung tells Chan a bit of his past with his family as Jisung ushers Chan down the path to go eat when his stomach grumbled once more. The reality was that Jisung’s knowledge of ‘love’ and ‘affection’ is all learned from Chan. He feels a camaraderie with his friends – seeing as they have known each other for a while.

He found himself thinking more of his connections with his friends. The connection he now has with both Minho and Changbin via Chan.

He smiles when he tells Chan that he’s just a little ignorant of feelings. Chan stares at him with a slight frown that make Jisung swipe gently at to make it go away.

As they’re sitting across from one another, Jisung perusing the menu – they ended up at a small mom and pop shop close to their place. Jisung hums when he feels Chan staring at him.

“Jisung-ah … I think you are wrong” he says quietly, looking towards the kitchen and staff running about. Jisung tilts his head, curious, “you really liked him, didn’t you?” Chan asks as he looks back at him.

Jisung blinks and furrows his brows, while Chan smiles knowingly as he reaches to hold his hand. Jisung sees the sparkle of his rings.

“I think, I understand more of you. Jisung-ah, you’re a romantic kind of guy” Chan says, making Jisung raise a brow, “you’re so efficient. You’re determined and hard working. You’re so selfless and despite you being in your position, you seem to have a heart of gold.”

“But Jisung-ah, as someone that has experienced your love first hand, I realized that there are levels of your love. You liked him, maybe not as strong as you thought … I think, If he had accepted it, I don’t doubt you’d have probably come to love him eventually. Had he not decided to leave …” Chan trails off, furrowing his brows as he lowers his gaze.

Jisung blinks twice before he squeezes his hand.

“Jisung-ah,” Chan says, raising his gaze and staring into Jisung’s eyes, “I won’t make the same mistake as him, because the reality is; I am selfish. I’m going to be the most selfish person in the world if it means that I can stay with you” Chan promises.

Jisung feels a shiver down his spine when he sees Chan’s eyes glow. He huffs a laugh as he rises and leans over, cupping Chan’s jaw and planting a kiss on his lips.

“Chan-ssi, one might say you’re in love with me” Jisung mumbles, a grin on his lips.

Chan without blinking, opens his mouth to nip at his bottom lip before he pulls away, “Han Jisung, you’re mine” he says firmly, gaze steady as they stare into his eyes.

Jisung feels himself heat up at his words, almost like a growl pressed against his skin.

Once they arrived home, Jisung lets Chan do whatever he wants. Chan, seemingly eager, kisses him nonstop, licking and biting on his skin. Jisung hums as he holds him. Seeing Chan so unrestrained, makes Jisung’s desire increase tenfold. Hearing Chan being so possessive, so determined and so beautifully loud. Jisung grips his thighs, seeing his fingers dip into the plush flesh before gliding his hands up to squeeze his hips, staring up at Chan, seeing his skin flushed and glowing, eyes shut as he throws his head back in pleasure.

“I love you” Jisung says as he leans up on his elbows, just as Chan leans down to breath in the same air. Chan opening his eyes with tears on the rim, lips swollen, as he gasps for breath.

“Sungie” Chan moans as he closes the gap with a kiss.

“love you, love you,” Chan whimpers as he takes and takes. He lets Chan take everything. Chan moans against his mouth and Jisung murmurs encouraging praises. He growls when Chan bites his bottom lip, before he trails down to his jawline and under his jaw and his neck. Chan bites harder on his shoulder as his body tenses. Jisung then curls his arms around, holding him possessively.

“So gorgeous, baby. You’re so beautiful,” he whispers and Chan raises his head to look at him. Chan whines as the overstimulation starts as Jisung gently rocks him above him with a tight grip on his hips.

“You’re doing so good baby, just a little more” he encourages, Chan gasps and squeezes his eyes shut, tears sliding down his cheeks. Jisung lets go of his waist to reach out and thumb the tears away.

“You’re always so good for me. My cute Channie. You’re perfect” Jisung praises, making Chan whimper and moan as he comes again, thighs quivering as he attempts to squeezes them around Jisung’s waist.

Jisung holds him impossibly tighter and mouths at his earlobe. Chan digs his nails to Jisung’s back as he thrust up to him, knows that Chan has reached his limit and is between pleasure and pain. Jisung sucks on his skin as he rolls his hips and makes Chan whine until he follows soon after. Chan slumps against him and Jisung presses soft kisses to his heated skin as Chan gulps for air.

Jisung loves how he can have Chan fall apart, loves the idea of giving him so much pleasure – in the recess of his mind, the possessive thought of carving his essence to Chan’s body.

He helps him lay down, wrapping his arms around him and continue kissing his skin. He kisses every visible part. Moving down his body to nip and kiss. Chan twitches and moans quietly as he lets him continue. Finally, Jisung rises and moves to get some wet towels. He dabs at his skin, soft and careful not to stimulate him too much. Chan squirms a little as he touches him, but soon after, Jisung is pulling the covers over them and curling around Chan.

Chan sighs contently as he turns to him and buries his face against Jisung’s neck. Jisung caresses his neck and burying his hand into his curls.

“You did so good, baby” he whispers, earning an embarrassed whine and he can’t help but smile. He kisses Chan’s temple, “My baby, only mine” he murmurs.

Chan then raises his head and stares at Jisung.

“Sungie, shower please” Chan says with his voice hoarse. Jisung hums as he presses his fingers to Chan’s Venus dimples, making Chan shiver.

Jisung groans at the idea of moving now that they were under the comforter. Chan pouts at his response until Jisung pecks his lips.

“Okay, baby, shower” Jisung says, he holds Chan against him as he herds him into the bathroom, seeing as Chan’s legs wobbled as soon as he stood up.

Jisung helps Chan scrub his back, lathering the soap over his body. Chan sighs as he runs water over them.

“Hmm, a bath would be nice, but I’m too tired” Chan laments, sighing as Jisung has him sit on the closed toilet seat.

Jisung begins toweling Chan’s curls, grabbing the hairdryer and the comb. Chan giggles when Jisung moves the hairdryer and blows some on his face.

“You’re such a child” Jisung laughs as he runs his fingers through Chan’s hair. Chan raises his head and glares playfully.

“All done” Jisung says disconnecting the hairdryer and putting away the comb. Chan leans forward and wraps his arms around Jisung’s waist. Jisung continues to caress his nape and curls. Just feeling him pressed against himself, it calms him.

After a moment, Chan yawned and Jisung convinced him that it was time to sleep. Chan murmured a small ‘okay’. Jisung pauses momentarily and leads Chan to seat on the small ottoman. Chan yawned again as soon as Jisung opened the walk-in closet to retrieve new sheets and comforter.

He works fast, removing the sheets and replacing them, and soon has a hold of a sleepy Chan’s hand and leading him to the bed. Jisung shakes his head when Chan complains as Jisung pulls the covers over them again and pulls him in.

 Jisung feels Chan slowly drift off and he soon feels himself following suit.

Jisung glances at the files on his desk. He sighs as he stands up to stretch his legs, hands in pant’s pockets as he makes his way towards the window. He looks around the city.

He thinks back to the challenges they both seem to be going through. Sometimes he feels like maybe he isn’t the best choice for Chan. Despite him claiming that he would tear the world down for Chan, he sometimes feels like he makes things worse for them – his lack of understanding of emotions.

He knows Chan would tell him otherwise, as he has before. Often, he jokes that he is just maybe a little broken on the emotion department and Chan always gives him a sad look. Jisung hates that he causes those expressions and tries to distract Chan from it. It’s not a big deal, he’s been like that for a long time. In the short time that he’s been with Chan, he has felt like it’s all new – maybe because it was. New emotions he never thought he’d feel.

He can’t help but smile at Chan’s delighted expression when he came barreling into the room with a flyer the night before. Jisung is surprised people still make those in this day. He glances at the paper, trying to catch a glimpse of it as Chan waves it around, but is distracted easily by Chan’s dimpled smile.

Chan rushes to him on the sofa, on his knees as he scoots close. Jisung is thoroughly amused at his excitement. Eyes sparkling.

“Jisung-ah, I.N, he’s having another book signing” Chan says almost in a whisper. He bites his bottom lip when Jisung hums and reaches for the flyer, as if trying to contain his excitement.

Jisung read it, saw the colorful and carefully eye catching design. If he remembered correctly, it was one of Chan’s favorite writer.

He looks back at Chan, teasingly he raises a brow.

Chan huffs before he snatches the flyer away, pouting and attempting to pull away.

Jisung laughs as he gathers him in his arms and pulls him closer. Chan struggles a little before he raises his eyes and glares at him.

Jisung can’t help it, but laugh at his cute expression.

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m just teasing you. Seriously,” Jisung says when Chan wriggles in his arms. He sighs and cups Chan’s jaw, making him focus.

“You finally get to meet him, huh?” Jisung asks. Chan nods before he sighs.

“Sorry baby, I promise not to tease you so much” Jisung says, Chan huffs and then leans to rest his head against Jisung’s shoulder.

“He’s so good, Jisung-ah, I’ve been his fan since he started writing. It’s really something amazing, because he started so young and he had so much potential – it took him a couple of years to get this popular and soon, it was kind of hard to attend a book signing.”

Jisung hums as he glances at the flyer again – a flicker of annoyance in his chest, but he damped it down as he knows Chan genuinely likes him. He reaches for it again and takes it carefully from Chan’s hand, leaning to place it on the coffee table. He turns his attention to Chan and presses him against the back of the sofa. Chan grins at him and leans in to bite at Jisung’s chin.

“Didn’t you have to finish the proposal?” Chan asks, smiling more so when Jisung grumbles against his cheek.

“I think I have more pressing matters,” Jisung mumbles, trying to slot their lips together. Chan giggles again as he holds him back with a hand on his chest.

“Hmm, I wonder what that could be?” he asks, eyes glittering.

Jisung cups the back of his neck and presses him closer, breath against soft lips “It’s my cute, sweet, Channie” Jisung whispers. Chan shivers when Jisung leans past his lips to breath softly against his ear – “Chan-ssi, how busy are you today?”

Chan squirms in his hold, breath slightly ragged.

“Very busy” Chan replies, but then grins against Jisung’s neck.

“Hmm, too bad, guess I’ll get back to work then” Jisung says, nipping at his earlobe. Chan grumbles as he pulls back. Jisung sees his eyes flicker.

“Too bad, maybe I’ll call Minho and we can go –” Chan sucks in a breath when Jisung kisses him, cupping his jaw and tilting his head to dive into his mouth.

He looks back at his desk and wonders if he can just leave for the day once the last board meeting is done. He can choose, of course, it’s his company, but he knows that a business only works if he puts his efforts.

Well he can’t slack of if he plans of spoiling Chan. He smirks as he remembers the gift he has managed to obtain. He knows Chan will most likely scold him for it, but Jisung can’t help it. He loves seeing Chan in blue, and just the thought of him wearing blue in jewelry, Jisung can imagine Chan’s pale skin in contrast with it.

The latter has been busy with his internship and research. Jisung doesn’t want to impose anything on Chan. Chan is always so hardworking, sometimes, Jisung wakes up in the middle of the night to see Chan already up and busy with some paperwork.

“Chan-ssi” he would say, almost unable to stop his frown. Chan would look guilty sometimes and then smiles sheepishly at him. Jisung would often shake his head and walk to him to grasp his hand and tug him back to the room.

Chan would protest weakly, but in the end he would sigh as Jisung wraps around him and hold him until he goes back to sleep.

Seungmin had emailed  him about a financial meeting with his partners. Reluctantly, Jisung called Chan to tell him that he would be later than usual and Chan can finish his errands until they can meet.

Chan always sends him cute encouraging messages and every time, Jisung can’t help the warmth he feels at receiving his affection. Seungmin often teases him saying that he just has rose colored vision for Chan.

While that may be true, Jisung just knows how sweet Chan can be. Jisung also knows that Chan, just like everyone else, has a bit of darkness. After all, Chan has experienced solitude, blame and dismissal by none other than his parents. Despite it, Chan learned to be a better person. Became a very understanding, sweet and loving person.

Jisung woke up to Chan’s warm fingers sliding under the hem of his shirt, his abdomen jumping at the tickling sensation. Chan looked at him with bright eyes and a big grin.

“It’s too early, Chan-ssi” he murmurs, curling his arms around Chan’s waist and tugging him down. Chan laughed softly against his collarbone and raised his head.

“We have to get there early because there will be a big line, Jisung-ah” Chan says, laying back down and pressing his nose under Jisung’s jaw.

Jisung groans as he remembers that he promised Chan he’d go with him for the signing. Admittedly, he knows Chan wanted to go and was okay to go on his own – seeing as Minho had gone out of town to visit his parents, but Jisung, well maybe he felt a bit possessive and jealous of Chan’s infatuation with that writer.

“Okay, fine let’s go get ready” he says. Chan laughs as he rises and begins to make his way to the bathroom. Jisung stares at his form, the shirt covering mid thigh. He shakes his head and follows him. Chan stares at him knowingly as soon as Jisung walks into the bathroom as he is removing the shirt. Jisung curls his arms around his waist and nuzzles his neck. Chan giggles at the tickling sensation of Jisung’s beard since he hadn’t shaved yet.

“Jisung-ah” he sighs as Jisung lets himself suckle of his skin. He raises his gaze and through the mirror,  he sees Chan’s cheeks flushed as he tilted his head to give Jisung more access. Jisung feels a satisfaction with how Chan goes pliant in his hold. He pulls back and presses a kiss on the reddened skin.

They get into the shower and Jisung helps Chan clean up. He takes every chance to touch him, slides his hands down from his collarbone to his chest, smirking when Chan’s breath hitched. Jisung slides his hands down to the dip of his low back, tracing the Venus dimples he often kisses when Chan curves to him. He places a kiss to Chan’s lips as his eyes flutter.

“We have enough time, Chan-ssi” Jisung murmurs against his mouth before he pulls away and kneels before him until he’s face to face with Chan’s abdomen. Chan shivers when Jisung lightly bites at his skin, sucking on the taut flesh. Chan reaches to grasp Jisung’s hair, tugging lightly.

Jisung looks up at him, watching Chan’s debauched face. Chan huffs and Jisung grins when Chan tugs on his hair harder. “Don’t be a tease, Jisung” Chan grumbles. Jisung laughs as he lightly bites Chan’s hip.

“I swear, Han Jisung, if I miss this signing, you’re sleeping on the couch for the next 3 months” Chan hisses, cheeks red along with his nose and lips. The cold air whipping around them.

Jisung bites his lip as he is tugged to move faster and he hopes they don’t slip. He grips Chan’s hand and a laugh falls from his lips until Chan whips his head around to glare at him, but Jisung only finds him cute with his expressions.

Thinking about it, after Chan’s graduation, they’ve met with Changbin and Minho for dinner and sometimes for lunch events. Seeing them being Chan’s closest friends, Jisung has no choice but to have a connection to them. Well, Jisung would be lying if he says he dislikes them, they’re just a bit too much sometimes, but when Chan is around them, he sees a different side of Chan.

Chan becomes more mischievous with them. He teases them and babies them. Jisung, begrudgingly, stares at them when Chan has the habit of holding their faces and cooing at them, making them sputter and grumble at this.

Well, maybe, Jisung too has taken that habit from Chan to put it in action towards Chan himself.

He often finds himself cupping Chan’s face and caressing his cheeks. He loves seeing Chan’s flustered expression.

He smiles when he remembered Chan quickly showering and changing in a rush that morning. He had glared at Jisung when he realized the time. After Jisung had kept him busy as he tried to get things ready for his shower. Jisung can’t help but tease him, Chan wasn’t late per se, he just has this tendency to leave really early despite having time.

Teasing Chan, it’s one of his favorite things because Chan is so expressive. So cute.

They arrive really early – Chan still glaring at him until they make it inside and they see the line of at least 10 people already there. The small café slash book store has a special of buy a book and get a free drink of your choice. A very interesting sale and quite smart. As they wait in the line, Jisung looks around, seeing men and women, teens and adults lining up. He sees the handwritten menu and sees the glass displaying pastries. It’s smaller than the usual Café they go to. It’s a nice environment.

Chan stands by him, after lining up to purchase the book to have it signed. Jisung had told him he would wait for him to keep his place, and Chan had nodded and taken off. He saw him excitedly looking at other books here and there, glancing at Jisung every once in a while.

Now Chan was with the new book to the series of IN and another set of books he “found interesting”. Jisung took those and read the summary, before he put them back in the bag to hold it, as the other reached to hold Chan’s hand. Chan turned to him and grinned. Jisung wants nothing more than to press kisses to his flushed cheeks. Now that he was lined up and they were waiting for the signing to begin, Chan has all but forgotten his threats. Jisung grins and he tugs Chan’s hand making him lean to him, he presses his lips to Chan’s ear.

“Chan-ssi –” Jisung is interrupted by the sudden announcement of a staff member that IN had arrived and signing would start soon. Chan squeezed his hand in his excitement. Jisung huffs, he still feels an annoyance, but he knows how happy Chan is at this moment. He knows he has nothing to worry about, knows fully that Chan loves the idea of people being passionate about what they do. Chan acknowledges people that pursue their dreams – and in return, Jisung admires Chan’s hard work and dedication. Loves Chan for being so open about praising people and showing his admiration.

“Jisung-ah” Chan whispers as he looks around, eyes wide with excitement as he seems to catch sight of the writer, but it’s not him that catches Jisung’s attention, it’s the man walking next to him, a bright smile on his face as he says something to the other man.

“Jisung?” Chan asks, and he blinks as he looks back at him. Chan stares at him and then follows where he was staring at then back at him again. Jisung steps closer and squeezes Chan’s hand. Chan seems hesitant, but then as if giving up or changing his mind he looks back.

“Do you know him, Jisung-ah?” Chan asks quietly, then pauses as he looks at the pair, then back at him. Before Jisung can respond, the promoter starts going over the rules.

The meetings are as boring as always. It’s all the same thing. He glances over to Seungmin as the latter takes notes. He knows he can trust Seungmin with his finances, having known him in college, he knows how diligent and honest he is.

He bites his lip as he prevents his amusement to show.

He had slammed his door open when he saw that one expense.

“I’m going to tell Channie-hyung” Seungmin threatened.

He knows, of course, he won’t. He finds it interesting at the change of heart. It took that one talk with Chan for Seungmin to change his mind about him. Suddenly, Chan is now hyung to him.

Jisung is curious about their conversation, but he hadn’t pried, he knows they would tell him if anything. Despite feeling a slight annoyance at them having a secret between them. He knows he doesn’t have anything to worry about.

He stares back when Seungmin raises his head and gives him an annoyed look. He often tells him that he never pays attention. But Jisung is fully aware of what’s going on.

Jisung thinks the writer looks familiar, as if he’s seen him somewhere before, once they are the next in line.

IN looks up and smiles, but as soon as he sees Jisung, his smile falters. He looks towards the other man that accompanied him and then smiles as Chan walks to the table.

Chan seems tense now, glancing between the writer and that person, Jisung inches closer as he presses his hand to Chan’s low back. Chan, as if pulling himself from his stupor, he hands the book over and IN takes it, asking for his name to write a message.

It's a quick transaction, and it probably takes Jisung a bit longer than it should until he remembers – Yang Jeongin – Seungmin’s cousin, now he knows why he looked familiar. Jisung only remembers him because he saw a picture or two shown to him by Seungmin.

Chan is quieter. Jisung follows him as he heads towards a corner of the bookshelves. He doesn’t say anything when Chan shakes his hand off and continues walking until they’re more hidden and suddenly he stops.

He goes back to his desk after the meeting and riffles through his paperwork. He can finish this and then go to Chan. The latter said he had some time off today after lunch hour so Jisung has every intention to be with him.

And maybe, Jisung is slightly obsessed with Chan, but not a single soul can blame him.

Chan really has changed his world.

Jisung gives him space and waits patiently until Chan turns abruptly. He looks at Jisung curiously, head tilting as he searches his face.

“Jisung-ah” Chan starts, looks at the space between them and extends his hand. Jisung automatically reaches for his hand. Chan sighs and then walks closer without removing his stare from him.

“I know … I really do know, Sungie … I trust you” Chan says, pausing and then grips Jisung’s hand, biting his bottom lip.

“Felix. The blonde hair, it was Felix.” Jisung says. Chan nods knowingly, averting his gaze and he looks up just as Jisung turns to the sound of footsteps.

“Oh, sorry” it’s Felix. Chan sucks in a breath and digs his nails to Jisung’s palm unconsciously as he grips his hand. Jisung doesn’t pull away or say anything, “I was just … wanting to talk to you” Felix says, looking between them.

Jisung doesn’t respond, but rather reaches to gently thumb Chan’s wrist, “Chan-ssi” he says softly, making Chan blink and look at his hand. He shakes it as he attempts to pull away, but Jisung grasps his fingers and holds his hand anew.

“I didn’t mean to interrupt” Felix says, taking a step back. Felix takes another step until Chan speaks.

“Stop,” he hears Chan says. Jisung waits for Chan as he sees Felix stop abruptly at his request. Felix lowers his head before he fully turns to them again “you wanted to talk to Jisung, I’ll give you guys a moment” Chan says, making Jisung blink as he looks at their hands and feels Chan pulling away.

“Chan-ssi” he starts and Chan smiles at him and Jisung feels a drop in his stomach. He knows that look, that smile – unlike his genuinely warm smile, it’s fake. Jisung feels as if he swallowed a barrel of sludge seeing that. He didn’t need to be here.

“I’ll … um I’ll go buy us a coffee” Chan says as he moves his hand away from Jisung, who is trying to hold it. Jisung grits his teeth because of how stubborn Chan can be, “and you … you can have your reunion” he whispers the last part that Jisung barely catches it.

He clenches his jaw as he turns to Felix, the latter staring at him curiously.

“By the way, I received a call from Jeongin, says he has a gift for Channie-hyung” Seungmin says. Jisung can’t help but raise a brow.

So, now even Jeongin is catering to Chan. Jisung wonders if he has to keep his guard up. He likes the fact that his friends and colleagues like Chan.

It's just a testament of Chan’s personality. Of how bright he is that he can attract people with his intelligence and personality.

Neither say anything until Felix steps closer.

“Jisung-ssi, it’s been a while” he says.

Jisung nods, glancing down the isle and it seems to register to Felix.

“Chan is his name, right?” Felix asks and Jisung looks at him then. He sighs as he gestures for him to the small table further down the corner. Felix follows him and sits opposite of him. He doesn’t want to take long.

“He seems … He’s your new contract?” he asks, tilting his head. Jisung narrows his eyes and feels the annoyance bubbling up.

“No.” he says in response and sees Felix blink in surprise before a laugh falls from his lips. He waits until Felix shakes his head.

“I’m sorry, that’s … it’s really interesting” he says seeing how Jisung didn’t say anything else. He doesn’t see why he has to explain himself, but it seems that the latter already knows.

Felix shrugs his shoulders, “last year, I wasn’t gone for a long time. I just left because I had to take care of my sick mother” he said. Jisung looks at him.

“I hadn’t even been gone for a while before I heard something along the grapevine that you had someone.” Felix continues, looks down the isle then back at Jisung, “I didn’t think you were serious about them” he says finally.

Jisung thinks to Chan this morning, eyes so bright with excitement.

“I had the thought of calling you” he hears him says, “I came back like six months after, I had your number, but I still needed time to process her passing” he says quietly, a bitter smile on his lips.

Jisung wonders how he would have reacted if he had called him as soon as he came back, it had been those four months when he last saw him and that was at least a month after he had met Chan.

Jisung knows, he would have chosen Chan.

“I’m sorry, for your loss. I wouldn’t have been the best person to be around you then” he responds, “it’s a good thing you were there for her” he says.

Felix stares and then sighs.

“This is why I never was able to understand you. You’re nice, Jisungie. You’re always polite. You always acted as if you never really understood what I kept trying to tell you.” Felix says, suddenly upset.

Jisung furrows his brows.

“This is what I mean. I thought you often acted aloof and distant. Even when we were intimate. It was all a means to an end.”

“It was a contract. You agreed to it.”

“I did! But what if I wanted more? I tried so hard to let you know, but I couldn’t get through to you. I asked you once if there was ever a chance that I wanted more and you blew me off. You acted as if I didn’t say anything. I tried to make you jealous by going out with someone else and yet, it meant nothing to you.”

“I never said –”

“You never said anything to me! Seungmin called me to tell me he cut off the contract. I received a compensation check too, so I figured you didn’t want to see me.”

“I see” Jisung says, he remembers, Seungmin scolding him for letting the contract run as long as he did. He had to hear Seungmin rant about breaching of contract. Jisung had told him to still give him the allotted money since Seungmin was the one that rescinded the contract. Despite Felix breaking the rules. Jisung just didn’t think about it. It was kind of like an ‘out of sight, out of mind’ ordeal. Seungmin had glared at him but left with a huff and Jisung’s blank check to fill.

He sends a text to Chan and the latter says he just finished purchasing Minho’s and Changbin’s gifts. He hums as he sees the pictures of the items he bought for Seungmin.

‘Well, it’s only polite, Sungie, he’s your best friend’ Chan responded when Jisung told him he didn’t need to worry about it.

He shakes his head and looks up to see Seungmin walking towards his door by the sliver of the window.

He blinks when Seungmin knocks once before walking through the door and tells him he needs to head out for an errand and will be heading home once he picks up IN. Jisung shrugs and waves him off, saying he would be leaving in a couple of hours anyway.

At the end of the day, it hadn’t mattered to Jisung. Hadn’t thought of the possibility of him coming back nor had hoped that he would. It was just not a priority to him. He had a major proposal to sign – the night he met Chan, it was when he had it finally signed.

He had thought about it the night after. He had been unable to take his mind off of him. It was such a brief meeting, had seen Chan gracefully move between tables, smiling and giggling with clients. Had seen him politely and expertly evade men and women advances. Often, Chan would walk to them and glance at him before averting his eyes, biting his lip as if embarrassed when their eyes met before he hurriedly cleaned around the table and continued bringing more drinks.

Jisung was not going to lie and deny that he’d find himself trailing his eyes over Chan’s physic. He could see the slim waist line. The defined muscles of his arms as he carried heavy trays of drinks. Jisung had taken the initiative to say something to Chan – seeing as his colleagues were already drunk.

“I do apologize for their behavior” Jisung said, motioning to how loud the pair got.

Chan had turned to him with a tilt of his head before he graced Jisung with a grin.

“Well, at least they’re not –” Chan said, then stopped abruptly, eyes wide, “Um, don’t worry about it, it’s the environment” Chan amended, a sheepish smile on his lips now.

Jisung studied him and then shrugging his shoulder to himself he leaned forward, watching Chan work as the latter continued clearing out glasses.

“Chan-ssi, do you have a pen?” he catches his attention and Chan gives him a surprised look, as if he didn’t expect people to know or remember his name, but nods as he pulls one from his apron. Jisung pulls out his card and writes his personal cell number.

Chan smiles as he nods and makes his way to finish up clearing the table.

Once they’re all ready to go, Jisung presents the card to Chan as the latter is thanking them. Chan looks at it, then at Jisung and then at the card again.

Jisung was admittedly awkward as he never actually did this, but he carries forward.

“I’d like to get to know you. If you have no aversions, please, feel free to message me” Jisung says. Chan stares at him some more and then reaches out to take it, a small smile gracing his lips.

“I’ll think about it” Chan says. Jisung nods, and bids him goodnight as he gathers them to leave.

Jisung had figured that Chan was a sign for him. A new start. He wanted to see him. Wanted to know everything about him. Wanted to see his smile.

“What’s so special about him? He looks pretty average” Felix suddenly says. Jisung blinks slowly, doesn’t allow the sudden words that want to spill from his lips. Before Chan, Jisung wouldn’t have cared. He would just say it and he thinks he’s been away from Chan for too long. He wants to hold his hand and see his dimpled smile. He wants nothing more than to bury his face against his skin. He rises from the chair.

“It’s been interesting seeing you again.” He says.

Felix rises and reaches for his arm, making Jisung look at his hand.

“You can’t even tell me that? What’s so great about him that you’re even taking him on dates. Or are you just trying to make me stop.”

Jisung shakes his arm away.

“Don’t be childish. This was never about you.” He sighs, and Felix scoffs. “Felix, it’s good to know that you are alive and healthy. The moment you left, it was the end of the contract, even before then, you broke the one rule I had. I never meant to make you think that there was a chance for us. There never will be an ‘us’, not even in writing, not anymore” Jisung says, reaching to grab his wrist and removing the hand from his other arm.

Felix furrows his brows, but Jisung shakes his head and continues.

“I don’t know what you gain with this, but Chan-ssi may seem average to you, but to me, he’s everything that I need and want. He’s not –”

“What if he ups and decides to –”

Jisung growls and Felix stops talking.

“You don’t know him. I would stop talking about him as if you did. Let me clear this up for you. I’m glad your safe, honestly. I hope you can be happy with whatever you’re doing or whoever you’re with. I will, however, not tolerate any type of slander towards him.” He says, ready to walk away.

“I’m sorry. I … Jisungie, I just didn’t understand the sudden change of heart. Suddenly you know how to love?”

Jisung sighs and looks at him again.

“No. He’s the only one. I have no interest in anyone else. Chan, he’s the most loving person. He will always be my priority and the only one that will hold my heart.”

“You never gave me a chance” Felix said. Jisung frowns and thinks that despite the intimacy and maybe a fond feeling, he never felt anything more than lust at best. Felix was never able to pull that fire within him – that need to touch or love, the need to protect and provide, no one has, just Chan.

“I never would have loved you. Not the way you wanted. Not even close to what I felt for Chan when I met him. It’s an impossible task now. No one can replace him.”

Felix bites his lip.

“I have to go.”

Felix nods, then looks up, a small sad smile gracing his lips.

Jisung pauses and then reaches to pat his shoulder, “really, Felix, it’s good to know that you are healthy. Do take care”

Felix doesn’t say anything else as Jisung leaves.

Jisung gets an email about a dinner event that is coming up from one of his partners. It’s a publicity stunt to promote the new acquired company. Jisung hums as he thinks of taking Chan to buy a new tailored suit. He knows Chan will protest.

Jisung knows Chan. Being together with him for almost two years, he knows Chan is really such a rare find. He’s the sweetest being and so hardworking. He’s nice to strangers and loving to his friends, so polite and maybe too friendly at times.

Jisung still finds it hard to see him being friends with other males that seem to find him attractive, not that Jisung can blame them. He feels pride in having Chan at his side, at dinners and events.

Chan often asks Jisung if he is okay with him going.  Jisung smiles reassuringly and praises Chan in his suit and making him flustered as he gets distracted enough for Jisung to lead him out the door. Some of his colleagues and firm partners would often pick a topic and expand on it with Chan. A lot of them impressed by Chan’s witty answers and smart yet open discussions he often finds himself in. Still, Jisung knows that Chan often feels like he doesn’t fit it in. Often embarrassed when they praise and compliment him.

“I have to say, Han, I’m surprised you found him. He’s really ... ” Jang Wooyoung said as he looked at Chan talking with another one of their colleagues. Jisung hummed as he looked as well, seeing Chan laughing.

“He seems really bright, both intellectually and in life” he says, looking back at Jisung.

Jisung blinks and looks back at him, a raised brow.

Wooyoung laughs when he sees his facial expression.

“What? You must know how people perceive you. The cold Han Jisung. When you brought along that blonde with you to events, one could see the distance. Well I saw it then and I see it now. He really has you wrapped around his finger, huh?” he says with a grin.

Jisung glances to where Chan was again and as if pulled by a magnet, Chan looks over and grins at Jisung from where he stands.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” Jisung says, holding Chan’s gaze until the latter looks away, embarrassed. Jisung looks back at Wooyoung and the latter laughs as he shakes his head.

Jisung receives another text from Chan, and a picture of him and Minho in front of a decorated Christmas tree. He wonders how Chan was able to hide his purchase from Minho, considering Chan has a tendency to be transparent.

Chan tells him they’re heading back to the apartment. It’s still midday, and Chan often works on his paperwork even on his off days. He knows Chan has to keep busy, it’s how his mind works. It’s how he got used to do, seeing as he had to be constantly working to pay off his schooling. So Jisung thinks he’ll just find him at home.

Jisung walks back to the common area and sees Chan sitting across from none other than IN and Seungmin. He sees Chan bite his lip and then sees Seungmin saying something  to him. He doesn’t know how to feel about Seungmin sitting too close to him.

He strides to them and stands by Chan.

“Chan-ssi, are you ready to go?” he asks instead. Chan glances at the other two and hesitates, but then smiles at them and nods as he stands up.

Jisung glares at Seungmin as Chan gathers his things, the latter giving him a deadpan stare.

Jisung notices the cold cup of coffee and hot chocolate that Chan had seemed to be cradling, now ignored as Chan bids the other two goodbye. He pauses as he looks back at Jeongin. Jisung feels a tightness in his chest. Chan thanks Jeongin for the signed book and then smiles tentatively at Seungmin

Jisung wants to hold his hand, but Chan is gripping the books tightly to his chest. He hasn’t said anything and Jisung doesn’t force him to talk. It’s still cold outside despite the late morning. They take the short route and soon are in the lobby of their apartment.

Chan sets everything down once they’re inside and goes to the room. Jisung follows quietly.

He sees Chan rummaging through a drawer as he takes a seat on the bed, waiting for him. Chan lets out a frustrated sigh as if he can’t find what he's looking for.

Jisung opens his mouth to say something and then suddenly Chan turns to him. His eyes are shiny and his bottom lip red. He looks lost. Jisung knows he tends to nibble of his lip when he’s frustrated, angry or nervous.

Jisung stands up and walks to him, making Chan press against the boudoir. He pauses and slowly reaches to touch him. Chan stares at him.

Jisung reaches around and tugs him to his chest. Chan is tense, limbs rigid. Jisung wants Chan to be as pliant and soft as before. Wants him laughing and giggling and being playful.

“Chan-ssi” he starts, making him shudder, “Hey, baby, let’s talk, yeah?” Chan grips his shirt and nods against his shoulder, taking in a deep breath. Jisung holds him still until he knows Chan is able to pull away.

Jisung finished his reviews of contracts and had headed home. Interestingly, Chan wasn’t home, which made him frown. He had walked and checked the rooms, the office and kitchen, even the bathroom, but he wasn’t home. He wonders where Chan was, he had thought Chan would be tired enough to be at home after his outing with Minho.

He doesn’t expect Chan to tell him everything in  detail of his whereabouts. Often, Chan leaves on his own and Jisung waits for him. He’s always eager to see him even if it’s just for a couple hours.

He sits on the loveseat and thinks for a moment. Absentmindedly, he looks around, wondering if this quietness has always been so loud. The apartment is ridiculously spacious, now that he’s used to having Chan around, often when he’s not home for a bit, it feels hallow. He frowns as his mind begins to turn to his dark thoughts.

He gets his phone and calls Chan. He hears Chan’s voice and frowns as he hears a hint of a wobble. He was so happy earlier, he tries to listen to Chan’s surroundings via the speaker. He wants to make whatever is making Chan upset to go away.

“Hey, baby, are you okay? Where are you?” he asks, waiting quietly. Chan responds that he’s at a café near, but doesn’t answer his first question and it makes him frown. He knows often at times Chan denies any discomfort if he thinks it’s not a big deal, but to Jisung, anything that makes Chan upset should disappear.

He focuses on the fact that Chan is close by.

“Chan-ssi, did you buy hot chocolate?” Jisung asks, pocketing his keys and wallet as he is on the phone. He walks to get his coat from the coat rack along with his scarf, “You’re already too sweet to be consuming more, sweetheart”.

He laughs when he hears Chan make an embarrassed sound.

“I’ll be dropping by to pick you up in ten minutes,  wait for me inside, baby” he says. He grins as Chan replies to him. Once he hangs up, he pockets his phone and adjusts his coat and scarf.

He's eager to see Chan. Despite seeing him on a daily now that he lives with him, he can never get enough.

Jisung stands before him, Chan sitting on the bed with hands clasped together, waiting patiently.

“Jisung-ah …” Chan takes a deep breath and looks up at him. Jisung has the urge to touch him, but he also wants to give Chan the choice, “can you kiss me?” Chan asks, hesitatingly. Jisung blinks, not expecting it. He sees Chan’s eyes flicker and he can’t help but feel his heart squeeze at the sight of his pleading gaze. His Chan, his beautiful Chan.

He leans down as he cups his jaw, caressing his soft skin and tilting his head. Chan breaths in softly as he looks into Jisung’s eyes. Jisung nuzzles his nose against his before he presses their mouths together. Chan shudders and Jisung can’t help but lick at his lips, asking for permission.

Chan whimpers and opens up for him as his eyes close. Jisung feels his body warm up, feels his heart in his throat. He wants to possess everything of him. His smile, his eyes, mouth, his body and his heart. He wants every bit of Chan belonging to him

Chan hesitantly curls his hand around Jisung’s neck. Jisung hums and sucks on Chan’s bottom lip. He feels Chan’s cheeks warm, he feels the slick of his lips. He bites at the lip and Chan digs his nails against his neck. Jisung growls against his mouth.

Chan moans as he pulls away, gasping for air. Jisung still holds his face, caressing the warm cheeks and admiring his beauty.

“Jisung” Chan says breathlessly, “You came back to me” Chan says quietly. Jisung feels his heart ache.

“Chan-ssi” he says more like a plea.

Chan shakes his head, reaching up to touch Jisung’s hand, “I’m not as confident as I pretend to be” Chan admits, brows furrowing, “I wanted to tell him that you’re mine. I wanted to push him away. Jisung, I wanted him to go away and never come near you” Chan admits, eyes glossy, “I wanted him to disappear.”

Jisung feels like a complete idiot. He was right, he was away from him for too long. He had given Chan’s doubts life.

Chan slides his hands off and grips his own shirt.

“I hated how I was feeling. I hated feeling so angry and so upset and so disgustingly evil.” Chan whispers, tears sliding down his cheeks.

“Chan-ssi” he starts, touches his shoulder and Chan shudders.

“I don’t … I’m not a hateful person, I’m not … I’m not like that, Jisung” Chan says like a plea, raising his head and he looks absolutely gutted at his dark thoughts.

“I’m sorry, Chan-ssi” Jisung says, reaching to hug Chan, pulling him against his chest. Chan grips his shirt and chokes on a sob and just as Jisung soothes his back, Chan lets out a wail. He curls around him and mumbles apologies.

“Chan-ssi, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry for making you feel like this. Of course I know you’re not hateful. I know Chan-ssi, I know. I’m sorry I caused you those feelings, baby” he says.

Jisung pulls away a little, and cups his face. Chan averts his gaze, but Jisung follows his eyes. Jisung leans to place a chaste kiss on his nose.

“Chan-ssi, my bright little star” Jisung murmurs, pressing their foreheads together, “you really are the cutest, nicest, beautiful and loving being” Jisung praises, a peck on his lips at every description.

Chan swallows hard.

“Chan-ssi, I hope you can realize that you are mine. You’re completely mine as I am yours.” Jisung promises. “I really meant it Chan, you’re the only reason I can feel like this. Love has never been an easy concept for me to understand. It was a foreign feeling, until I met you.” Jsiung says, running his thumb over wet soft skin.

“Not my parents, not him. Just you. It will only be you, Channie” Jisung promises, pressing his lips to his forehead.

“But he … he loved you. Jisu –” Chan whimpers when Jisung captures his mouth in a heated kiss.

Jisung slowly pulls back, letting Chan breath.

“Be that as it may, Channie, I only love you. Nothing else matter. No one else matters.” Jisung says, looking into his eyes. Chan hesitates and then slowly nods.

Jisung knows he still had to show him in many ways and it will take time, but Jisung will make time to show him.

Chan POV

Chan looks up as he hears the small bell from the Café ring. He sees him walk inside, hair pulled back in a braid, makeup accentuating his features. He feels embarrassed seeing as how he left their place, in a plain white t-shirt and jeans, hair messy, no makeup – he doesn’t use a lot, but he tries to use a little bit to make himself look like he’s got himself together at least.

He grips the mug tightly, swallowing hard when he gets closer and sees the beauty that he is. He suddenly feels inadequate.

Minho had told him he could stay with him, but Chan wanted to do it himself. He knows Minho had been upset about the situation he explained to him that had happened. He knew Minho could easily cause chaos and though Chan appreciated his loyalty, he didn’t feel like it was fair to Jisung – knowing that they hadn’t been together before now.

“But Channie” Minho huffed and crossed his arms. Chan smiled knowingly. He cups Minho’s face and makes baby noises, knowing how embarrassed Minho gets. He grins when Minho’s ears turn red and he receives threat from Minho that he will shove a handful of snow down his shirt.

“I’ll handle it, Minho-ya, can’t have anyone try and take him from me” he had said.

“Chan, right?” he asks in his deep voice. Chan breathes in as he nods. He sees the extended hand, but Chan doesn’t reach out. He knows it's rude, but he can’t and probably Jisung would be disappointed of his behavior, be he just can’t. He doesn’t plan on being too friendly. He’s not posturing, but he knows that he can’t be weak.

“Felix, nice to officially meet you. Innie said you wanted to meet with me?” he asks. Chan is confused who Innie was.

“Yang Jeongin”

“Ah, um … yes, Seungmin passed the message”

Felix rolls his eyes, “Seungmin, of course”

Chan stares at him. Felix fidgets and then sighs as he clasps his hand over the table.

Chan stares some more.

“Okay … what did you want?”

“Sungie … um, Jisung told me about you … before the book signing” Chan confesses. Felix blinks in surprise.

“Wow. He really has changed. I’m quite jealous actually” Felix says, a sound between a scoff and a laugh falls past his lips, and Chan furrows his brows, doesn’t like the idea of him speaking as if he knows Jisung on a deeper level than himself.

“You really don’t know, huh? Jisung … Jisung has always been an enigma. Always polite, nice, seemingly sweet but distant. He used to be so cold, almost cold hearted. The time I knew him, he was ruthless with business. I would attend social events with him and he’d be the talk of the party. Men envied him as women admired him.” Felix says, playing with a napkin.

He smiles as if remembering something.

“I can’t believe that you guys are engaged. Did you bribe him or something? Blackmail? Did he buy you?” Felix says, raising a brow. Chan feels his cheeks flush, in fact all his body felt hot – the sudden anger he felt. He curls his fingers and feels the warm metal of his rings.

Felix blinks as he stares at them. He reaches as if to touch and Chan snatches it back, cradling his hand protectively.

He feels tense, feels like he can’t do it in a nice way. Feels like he’ll snap and let out that disgusting side of him – he has been unable to push it down. Ever since the book signing, he’s been restless.

He remembered Seungmin saying that IN would be joining him for the holidays and Chan couldn’t help but see it as a chance to confront Felix. He wasn’t looking to fight, he just felt the need to let him know. It felt like he needed to do this to release that vile feeling he’s been having.

Maybe he is just a rotten person. His behavior is so childish, being possessive of Jisung, as if he was his favorite toy and he didn’t want to share. He hates these feelings. This isn’t like him. Jisung had reassured him that he wasn’t mad. Had smiled at him and called him cute, but Jisung often calls him that –  cute, nice and sweet. Would he still think of him like that if he saw how he was in reality?

He often finds himself thinking that if he truly shows who he is to Jisung, he will be disappointed. Despite that weak moment he confessed of feeling so disgusting, Jisung had reassured him. And there are days and nights that Chan finds himself contemplating, sometimes waking up.

Some nights, he would wake up in the middle of the night and raise himself on his elbow, staring at Jisung’s sleeping features, the brightness on the moon streaming through a slip of the curtain. He would stare at him to make sure that he wasn’t having that nightmare of being alone.

Jisung would wake up, slowly opening his eyes to stare at him tiredly.

“Channie” Jisung whispers, voice rough with sleep. Chan always felt his deep voice resonate through his body, making him shiver. Chan sighs and scoots closer as he nuzzles Jisung’s neck.

“Hmm, did you have a nightmare?” Jisung asks him, curling his arm around his waist, fingers gently caressing his side as his other hand reaches to run fingers through his hair. Chan realizes that Jisung often reads him like an open book. He shakes his head against Jisung’s chest, staring at the dark corner, listening to Jisung’s heartbeats.

“Should I sing you a lullaby?” Jisung offers, Chan can hear the amusement in his voice, now softer that he’s used it. Chan raises his head and can’t help but smile, staring at him expectantly. Jisung laughs as he tugs Chan’s face close, pressing his lips to his cheek.

“Sleep, baby. I’ll protect you from your nightmares” Jisung promises. Chan sighs and settles back to rest his ear to Jisung’s chest. He feels Jisung’s soft touch of his fingers carding through his hair and he can feel himself drifting as he listens quietly to Jisung’s heartbeats. He smiles when Jisung hums a song quietly until Chan goes back to sleep.

He hears Felix scoff through the thundering blood in his ears.

“You should have some pride. At least ask him for something more valuable.” Chan can feel himself grimace, hearing him talk “I’m sure he can buy you nicer rings.” Felix may seem like a beauty, but the way he’s talking, expressing himself about Jisung – as if money was all that could describe his Jisung, it makes him feel disgusting.

Chan opens his mouth to say something, but then feels a hand on his shoulder. He blinks in surprise to see Seungmin.

“Sorry to disappoint you, Channie-hyung isn’t like that” Seungmin says, surprising Chan. He’s more confused at this turn of events.

“You again.” Felix says, annoyed. Seungmin shrugs, pulling up a chair. He sips his coffee before sitting down.

“Yes. Me again, I know Channie-hyung was the one requesting to meet you, but don’t be rude. I’m sure you are fully aware how Jisung can be and with it involving Chan, you should tread lightly in what and how you say it” Seungmin says.

“Fine” Felix suddenly says, glaring at Seungmin, the latter seemingly unaffected.

“Do ignore him, Chan-ssi, he was just bitter that Jisung never wanted him more tha– ”

“Quite unnecessary of you, to be honest” Felix says. Seungmin shrugs, “but when I talked to Jisungie …” Felix says, Chan tenses as he remembers that day and the fact that he called him like that.

“Jisung … Jisung made himself clear that day. I’m not here in town to steal him away. I’m here for Jeongin.” He says a smile on his lips. Chan stares, trying to understand the situation. Seungmin lightly nudges Chan from his stupor and bringing him back to the present. Felix shrugs, then turns to Chan.

“Chan-hyung? Well that’s kind of hypocritical, I do envy you.” Felix says, making Chan look at him again, “I could never understand him. He never talked about anything personal. I thought I might have been able to get past that indifference, if I made him realize my feelings.” He pauses, then huffs a laugh.

Chan doesn’t say anything, but feels Seungmin staring at him. “Please, Jisung has never shown you anything regarding his feelings. I don’t know what your ploy was, pulling him away from Channie-hyung that day, but it obviously didn’t work. I can tell you first hand that Jisung is smitten with Channie-hyung here” Seungmin says. Chan feels his ears become warm.

Felix furrows his brows.

“What’s different about him? You seem pretty average” he asks Seungmin and directs the comment to Chan.

Chan flinches because he knows. He’s not a beauty like Felix. He’s not small, he’s not pretty, eloquent, he’s –

“Hey, watch it. Channie-hyung is a very beautiful person. I’m telling you again, don’t be rude.”

Felix narrows his eyes, looking at Seungmin, “You’re so defensive of him. So not only is Jisung smitten, but you as well?” He asks him. Seungmin twitches as he glares at him.

“So what if I say he’s beautiful. I can appreciate beauty in front of my face. It doesn’t mean anything, I respect Channie-hyung as a person and Jisung has nothing to do with it. Channie-hyung is his own person.”

Chan hears them bicker, but he is not as confident. Knowing that Jisung might have liked this person enough. Knowing that he might have never met him, it makes him swallow hard.

He feels like a coward. Maybe, if given the chance, Jisung might find someone better than Chan, someone that isn’t a liar, someone that is genuinely an honest person that is actually sweet, nice and a better person than himself. Just thinking about Jisung being with someone else makes his heart ache.

He clenches his hands and pushes down his doubts and tries to control his thundering heartbeats, wondering if they can hear it, as loud as it was beating.

“Jisung … is mine” Chan says then, still clenching his hands, feeling the bands on his ring finger and then takes a deep breath as he looks back at Felix.

“I love Jisung and I won’t let anyone come in between” Chan declares, more confident. He hears Seungmin hum quietly by him. Maybe, Seungmin gave him courage, seeing him defending him, after having initially thought of him as a gold digger.

“I loved him too, but if he can’t reciprocate your feelings, then it means nothing” Felix says. Chan blinks, looks at the table then back at him.

“He loves me. I know he does.” Chan says, “And I –”

Chan jumps when his phone goes off. He hesitates and then reaches into his pocket to get his phone. He knows it’s Jisung, has a ringtone for him.

“I’m at the Café” He responds to Jisung looking for him. He looks up to see Seungmin texting and then glancing at Felix. He tries to keep his voice steady.

“Okay, I’ll wait for you” he says then, can’t help but smile yet feel embarrassed at Jisung telling him sweet things over the phone. Feels a bit better after talking to him – reassured.

As he hangs up, he looks towards Felix once more.

He adjusts his cross body bag before he stands up and speaks.

“I love Jisung. I’m sorry that you never got to understand him or attempted to actually know him, but I just wanted to let you know. Jisung is mine completely. I won’t let him go. Not to you, not to anyone. I don’t care if he loses everything or has everything. I will be with him. So I hope that you understand to not try and come in between us again, even if you claim innocence at your actions.”

 Chan sucks in a breath, before he continues, “don’t come near him again, if your intention is to break us apart. If you decide to move on and want to be friends, I’m willing to be friends, but know that right now, I’m asking you nicely. And I’ll say it as many times as it’s needed – Jisung is mine. ” He says, staring into Felix’s eyes, before he moves to leave.

“I –”

“I have to go. Sungie is coming to pick me up. Seungmin, do tell IN I will fully enjoy the new series once it releases" Chan says, ignoring the other man.

Chan shivers as he processed what just happened as he walks towards the door. He bites his lip and feels the rush of blood through his veins, heart pounding. He wrings his fingers as he waits for Jisung just outside the Café. Jisung told him to stay inside, the cold nipping at his cheeks, but Chan hates the idea of them being close. Right now, he doesn’t want Jisung to see Felix at all. He wants Jisung to only see him. He feels tears prick at the corner of his eyes, but he refuses to let them fall. He has this fear of Jisung being able to read him and see how tainted he really is.

From the start, Chan has always felt inadequate for Jisung. Because Jisung is someone, so talented, so ambitious and so independent and strong. Chan, well he depends on Jisung. On his sweet words and declarations of love. His sweet Jisung that often murmurs sweet words and promises to him. Words that Chan drinks as if he has been thirsty his whole life.

The fact is, that while he has learned to connect with people, to become friends and laugh with others, love has always been a concept he thought he knew. With his previous boyfriends, he had thought he knew what it was. Had slept with them and spent time with them, but while some said they liked him, or loved him, it was a weird feeling. He had acted how he would see people expected him to be.

After each separation, he had felt almost relieved and after being with Jisung, the thought of his previous relationships, he would feel awkward and slight disgust with how he let himself be with them.

He bites his lip harder and fiddles with the ring, lost in thought until he hears his voice.

SEUNGMIN POV

Seungmin huffs a laugh as he sees Chan leaving the café only to wait outside, and then notices Jisung walking towards the Café not even five minutes later. Chan stands there, fiddling with his rings and raises his head when Jisung calls for him.

He sees it.

Sees the smile Jisung reserves for Chan alone. Sees the way he softens as Chan smiles at him. Chan tilting to his touch as Jisung reaches to thumb at his cheeks. Jisung removes his scarf and wraps it around Chan, making sure its fastened neatly. Chan says something making Jisung pause, before he cups his face in his hands. Chan grins at him as he nods in his hold. Jisung removes one hand, reaching into Chan’s coat pocket and pulling a beanie. Chan stares at Jisung as the latter fixes the beanie over his head.

Seungmin looks towards Felix and sees him staring at them. He looks curious more than anything.

Jisung taps Chan’s nose making the latter duck his head. Jisung laughs as he reaches to shove his hand into the coat’s pocket where Chan had one hand inside. Soon they start walking away from the Café.

“Huh, guess he was right” Seungmin says with a snort.

“What if I hadn’t left? What if I had pushed my luck?” Felix wonders.

“I know Jisung. I saw the two of you together. Not once did he ever see you like that” Seungmin says. He sighs as he looks at his cup, then back at Felix.

“I talked to Innie. He said that you haven’t given him a response, why is that?”

Felix pauses, then shrugs. Seungmin lightly shakes his head.

“Jeongin knows you won’t settle, and he’s okay with that for now, but don’t treat him like an idiot and make your decision without leading him on” Seungmin says to him, rising from his seat.

Felix flinches and Seungmin sighs.

“Don’t let it repeat itself with Jeongin, at least you are aware of his feelings. You have an actual chance.” Seungmin says, feels like it sounds almost cruel when Felix frowns. He stares at him and then sighs. He knows Felix is a genuinely a good person, his relationship with Jisung prior to now was a business. And maybe, Seungmin thought that he might have been able to break down Jisung’s walls he had put up, but he had been wrong.

It took Jisung only a couple of weeks after meeting Chan for Seungmin to see the change in Jisung. They had been out for a dinner and he had accompanied him, he had seen Jisung look at his phone with a new expression – it took him a minute to understand it, Jisung had look absolutely fond and while he wasn’t introduced to him right away, Seungmin saw Jisung’s demeanor softened every time.

“I’m not … sure I’m his best choice. With Jisung, it was safe, maybe because I knew deep down that it wasn’t anything serious. Despite my feelings” Felix says, then sighs, “Chan-hyung, how do you know he’s different? How does Jisung know?” Felix asks, as if it’s imperative to know.

“You and I both know how Jisung was before. I had doubts too, to be honest, but I see it. Jisung is not the same with Chan. Chan has uncovered a new territory of Jisung and right now, he’s the only one that can step into it.” Seungmin says. Felix thins his lips.

“You never know, maybe in the end, Jisung gets tired of him” Felix says with a shrug.

Seungmin sighs, “Look, listen to Channie-hyung. I doubt Jisung will let him go, not unless Chan says. And even then, if that does happen, Jisung will not be the same with someone else. Chan just brings out something warm from him. Jisung is a whole different person for Chan. He is still the same with business as you said he was, but when Chan is around, his demeanor becomes gentler.”

“Fine. Fine. Okay, I honestly was not trying to meddle. I just wanted Jisung to know how I felt back then. My imagination got a bit out of hand to what could have been, but I had realized that, it was more of a fantasy thought. Being surrounded by rich people, it makes you a bit delusional at times.” Felix says.

Seungmin huffs a laugh.

“He really is a seemingly sweet person” Felix says.

“Just listen to Channie-hyung, he is a nice person, the sweetest thing – Jisung claims, but you can tell that he has a dark side of him that may not be as nice” Seungmin says, “Also, stop changing the subject. When you meet Jeongin, let him know. He doesn’t have any events that he has to attend, so I’d imagined you had made your decision when you came to see him” Seungmin stares at him with a raised brow.

Felix sputters as he becomes flustered.

Chan POV

Chan looks at Jisung, seeing his eyes bright against the LED lights. With Christmas coming around, he finds himself feeling a bit melancholic, but Jisung has confided in him that, while people celebrated holidays with family, others were alone or just didn’t celebrate it.

Chan used to celebrate it with Minho’s parents. Changbin often tagging along.

It’s been 2 year in a row that he’ll be spending it with Jisung.

“Chan-ssi, what do you think of us going away for the holidays?” Jisung asks suddenly. Chan walks closer to him, grasping his hand.

“Hmm, maybe” he says playfully. Jisung turns to him, away from the window display they were in front off, just walking around the city, window shopping. Though Jisung would tease him about dragging him inside and buying the things he liked.

“Just know, Chan-ssi, right now, I want nothing more than to ravage you” Jisung says with a straight face. Chan squeaks and grips Jisung’s hand.

“Don’t be kinky in public, Sungie” Chan says playfully, leaning closer. Jisung laughs as he feels his body heat close.

“Chan-ssi, I don’t know if you have realized it yet, but you look gorgeous,” Chan grumbles as Jisung curls his arm tighter around his waist. Jisung leans to nuzzle his jaw and presses a quick kiss on it. Chan squirms as he feels the ticklish actions under his jaw, a giggle falling past his lips.

Chan looks at their reflection on the glass, he feels Jisung turn his head and meets their eyes on their reflection.

“Chan-ssi, are you happy?” he hears Jisung asks him quietly, staring intently. He tilts his head curiously.

“Jisung?”

Jisung straightens up making eye contact with Chan. Chan searches his features. He recalls the earlier meeting he had with Felix. He knows he can’t keep it a secret for long, but he doesn’t want to think about it more than necessary.

Jisung pauses when Chan smiles at him.

“How do you measure happiness, Jisung-ah?” Chan asks him, grasping his hand. Jisung looks at him.

Chan twines their fingers and shows the rings. Jisung looks at them and then back at him.

“I don’t know” Jisung says finally.

Chan reaches to caress Jisung’s jaw, making him blink, a smile on his lips. Chan understands Jisung, knows Jisung grew up detached emotionally – has learned how Jisung finds it difficult to relate to emotions.

“Jisung-ah, in reality, being with you, be it walking around the city, having a meal, having a date night, just spending time with you makes me happy. The truth is, there is no measurement. Just you and me. We make our happiness” Chan says, leaning to press a kiss on his lips.

Jisung cups his face, soothing his thumbs over rosy cheeks. He smiles at Chan’s pink nose, red ears and flush cheeks from the cold.

“You’re right, Chan-ssi, you’re always right” Jisung murmurs, taking in Chan’s natural beauty. Seeing his curls hold flecks of snow.

“Chan-ssi, let’s go see the aurora borealis” Jisung says, and Chan blinks. Jisung continues to touch his warm skin. Then Chan nods, nuzzling his hands.

“Okay, Sungie. Let’s go see them” he whispers.

Chan stares wide eyed as they make their way inside the hotel they will be staying at for the week. He had to let his superior know and while Chan disapproved of Jisung stepping in, having donated money to that facility – though Jisung refused to tell him how much, Chan was given the time.

Seungmin had walked in on them in the office as Chan was straddling Jisung, causing Chan to stammer and stumble into the adjacent office. Jisung had glared at Seungmin, Chan notices because he turned to give Seungmin an embarrassed laugh.

“Unbelievable! Don’t you have a place and time?” Seungmin snapped. Chan could hear Jisung dismissing him and then Seungmin grumbling.

“Fine, here are all the documents you wanted. For Channie-hyung’s sake, you need a psychological test.” Seungmin grunts.

“I knew I kept you around for a reason” Jisung said.

“Jisung-ah” Chan starts, then shakes his head as he sees their luggage already set on a corner of the master suite. Jisung hums as soon as he’s close.

“It’s freezing” Chan whines, and even though he usually runs hot, this weather was way different. He suddenly feels Jisung curling around him, feeling heat on his back.

“That’s why I’m here, Chan-ssi. We can keep warm together” He says teasingly. Chan sighs as he turns.

“Of course, of course” Chan says, pecking his lips.

Jisung had planned on the outing that following night, after making Chan take a shower and go to sleep. It hadn’t kicked in yet, the jetlag, but he knew how tired they will be if they don’t sleep. Chan grumbled again but then settled to read a book as he rested against Jisung. He had a book from IN as an early Christmas present since they won’t be home.

They spent the days exploring the city of Tromso. It was such a small quaint town. Chan had seen the glittering lights of the Christmas town. Had been so curious as soon as it came into sight.

They walked from small local stores to store, got on the ferris wheel and saw the city’s surroundings. Jisung had bought them a thicker jacket each and gloves.

Chan was most excited about the northern lights. They looked so amazing – the hues of green, yellow, blue and purple, as they sat outside of their small rent out cabin for that night. They had a fire pit as they curled up on the bench swing that was padded by warm and soft blankets and pillows.

Jisung had a thick blanket covering them. Chan sighed when Jisung fidgeted around and then reached to pat his hand. Jisung laughs as Chan accidentally smacks the small box.

“Chan-ssi, baby, don’t reject me like that” Jisung says, as he pulls out the small velvet box.

Chan turns to look at him, seeing how Jisung has his chin resting on his shoulder.

“Look” Jisung says softly, motioning with his chin. Chan looks again and sees the small box that is now open. It’s another ring. Chan reaches out, hesitating as he feels Jisung’s other hand rubbing his thumb on his wrist.

It’s a thinner black tungsten ring.

“Here, baby” he had Chan hold the box, and gets the ring. Jisung brings it close and turns it for Chan to see their initials inside. Chan’s breath hitches as he lets Jisung lead his other hand.

“Chan-ssi, tomorrow, can we make it official?” Jisung asks. Chan turns to him again and has tears pooling in his orbs. Jisung nuzzles close as he slides the ring over the other two. It’s thinner, so it’s not as bulky, but Chan can see all the tiny diamonds on top and on the sides.

Chan nods. He closes the small box and turns to Jisung. The latter having pulled back to give him space. Chan settles as he straddles Jisung, wrapping his arms around his neck and delving his fingers into Jisung’s hair, holding his face close as he leans in to kiss him.

“Yes, Sungie.” He replies in between kisses. “I’ll keep telling you yes, but marry me already” Chan whispers. Jisung grins against his lips and holds him protectively. He kisses him deeply when Jisung cups his face.

“Thank you, baby” Jisung says, squeezing him closer and Chan savors the softness of their intimacy. If Chan thought he had felt all his affection before, now it seems like it’s become one hundredfold.

“Channie … don’t ever leave me” he whispers into his ear and Chan’s breath hitches, “You’re my everything. My only one.”

“Jisung-ah “ Chan murmurs, pulling back and unfurling his arms to cup Jisung’s jaw, “You must be crazy if you think I’ll let you go” Chan whispers, smiling toothily, “ I won’t ever let you go, my Sungie”

Chan can’t help but feel so much tenderness. His Jisung. “Jisung-ah, did you know, that the night I met you, I saw a shooting star? I made a wish to be able to find someone to love.” Chan feels his ears become warm, but moves forward, “I took a chance despite knowing that I was being naïve, because of who you are and what I was” Chan leans to nuzzle his jaw.

“Yet you’re here. You’re right here, with me. You’re so loving Jisung. You have so much love to give and I’m sorry, it took me this long to find you” Chan whispers, raising his head to look into his eyes.

JISUNG POV

“I love you, Chan. My bright little star” Jisung swears on his skin. Chan shudders.

“I love you too, Jisung. If I’m your bright little star, then you are my milky way” Chan whispers into his ear and Jisung’s heart lurches. He’s irrevocably endeared.

Jisung holds him tightly and he feels a prick on the corner of his eyes. His sweet Chan. Only Chan has been able to see him as loving. Jisung always thought he just didn’t know or have the capability to feel more. He always thought himself as broken, he couldn’t feel more than he did.

Because he doesn’t understand – he gives Chan everything he can. He provides for Chan everything he can. He tries to be as affectionate and loving as he can to him. He’s been treading waters ever since he met him, because the reality is, that he’s scared Chan will get tired of him and end everything.

As much as he claims to love him, has declared his determination and ambition to keep Chan around, Jisung doesn’t know what he’ll do if Chan decides differently. The worse part is, that he knows how Chan feels and yet he still has this irrational fear. Because he knows that Chan is the sweetest person and he wouldn’t lead him like that. His beautiful Chan, whom he wants to be around forever.

Chan caresses his nape and whispers soothing words.

“Chan-ssi, if you keep saying all those sweet things to me, I’ll think you’re in love with me” Jisung whispers. Chan giggles as he pulls back and cups Jisung’s face.

“You’re so silly, Sungie. I love every bit of you and I’ll prove it to you, show you everyday” Chan promises.

Jisung reaches to caress Chan’s cheeks.

“I’ll hold you to that, Channie” he pulls Chan into a kiss and as he’s closing his eyes, he sees a shooting star and can’t stop the smile that blends into his kiss and makes a wish as Chan mumbles a sweet promise against his lips.