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"Ugh…Oh..the misery..ughhhhhh…"
Pained groans didn't do well in the stuffy room. The window was already open and a fan was running, but even a single breath seemed to raise the temperature. A great day to get sick.
"Dazai, you're not making it any better." Grumbled Chuuya.
"Oh I know but..the pain.." He replied, shaking his head in his hands.
If there were a camera, Chuuya would be looking at it with a very displeased expression, and then tell everyone to screw off.
"You're not even the sick one. I am." Said Chuuya.
Dazai lifted his head, seeing the all too displeased Chuuya stuffed in a small bed on a ridiculously hot day.
"Oh that's right!" His voice came out too cheery. "You're the one in all the pain, the one…" He slipped off his chair and onto the ground, peeking up from the edge of the bed despite his tallness, "…suffering?" He widened his eyes, leaning back in time to miss a hit from Chuuya's hand.
"So what if I'm a little sick?! I'm not suffering."
"Oh but you admit your sickness."
"Damn you, the only reason I'm gonna be sick is because you stuck me in here and it's way too hot!" He'd only managed to get one arm out of blanket custody so far, the blankets being tucked unreasonably tight by Dazai.
"And how cute it makes you." Dazai cooed, like all the times he insulted Chuuya with very-much-opposite-words-to-cute didn't exist and weren't still to come.
"You say that about everything."
"Because everything you do-" He narrowly missed another swipe.
"Shouldn't you leave a sick person alone?!"
"No, no, no! How terrible that would be, you, all alone and suffering-"
"…again with the suffering…"
"-I will not have it! I'm going to take care of you."
"But I should get rest and be ALONE."
"To request that would be admitting how sick you are, tell me again just how sick you are..?" Dazai stood and risked leaning over, lending his ear for the answer.
Chuuya took the opportunity to pinch him by the ear and not let go.
"I'm not that sick either way!!"
"Oww! You definitely haven't lost any strength!"
While Dazai fought for his left ear back Chuuya managed to free another arm from the blanket, not losing the chance to grab Dazai's arm along with his ear and tugging mercilessly. Dazai didn't miss a beat and kept on with infuriating remarks that made Chuuya's face red in more ways than one.
"If you wanted me on the bed you coulda just said so~"
Chuuya with all his pride let him go with a push. He crossed his arms as much as he could from this position, his cheeks squishing out as they now matched color with his hair.
"I want you to free me." He said, his legs were twitching from going twenty minutes without kicking anything. Plus, it really was hot!
"Hmm, let me think on this offer-"
"Have you thought about it yet?! If you free me then…" He winced from his own thoughts betraying him.
"Then what Chuu..?" Encouraged Dazai, all too pleased to hear the words he knew Chuuya would rather die than say.
"Then.." He grunted, his own vocal cords trying to get him not to say it. But alas, desperate times. "You can take care of me."
Dazai's face exploded with happiness before he hid it under a sly smile.
"You're free to go." Dazai loosened the blankets and helped him escape, putting him in a more cool and comfortable position against the headrest with a single pillow to support his head. Dazai would've liked to tease him all the way to hell about this one sentence but knew not to try his luck. He was lucky enough he'd gotten Chuuya to agree, and he'd take full advantage to fulfill every need, whether he asked or not. Chuuya would, in fact, never ask for something he needed, so Dazai already made it clear in his mind he'd have to take the initiative.
"I'm off!" Dazai announced, one second there and another second marching towards the door.
"Off where??"
"To get supplies of course."
"Wait right there." Chuuya grabbed the end of his coat, keeping him from another step. "You need a list."
"I do not need a list, I'm your caretaker."
"Hey, I never agreed to stupid titles. Just let me write up a list, or else you'll get all the wrong things I know it."
"If you're clingy you can just say it, let all your feverish confessions loose!"
"Stop babbling and get me a pen!"
Dazai's shoulders drooped and he stalked off for a pen. Even when sick Chuuya was bossing him around. He feared that maybe Chuuya would demand for things when sick after all, what would he do then?!
A minute later he had a list in his hands and plenty of orders over specifics; really, who cares what brand it is, salt is salt! Why was he even asking for salt, to throw it in Dazai's eyes? This might have backfired before it even began.
—
Dazai returned with two grocery bags.
"Don't tell me you bought extra stuff." Chuuya was suspicious the moment he walked back in.
"Not a thank you in sight?"
"Thanks." He glared. "Now tell me you didn't buy extra stuff."
"I bought a…few extra things.."
Dazai took the next few minutes to present everything he bought and tower it on the bed.
"What are these?" Chuuya asked.
"Popsicles! Perfect for a sore throat and the heat."
"I don't need extra sugar." Chuuya set them back down.
"But you do need extra fun, it's like someone drained it all out of you, I swear."
"Where's all the stuff I asked for?" Chuuya questioned, digging through the bags.
"So, you'll never believed what happened to me." Dazai immediately thought of a lie.
"You lost the list." Chuuya immediately saw through him.
"Bah, it had silly stuff anyways. I mean, what're you gonna use salt for?"
"It was to clean my shirts!"
"Oh you're such a baby with all your wine stains."
"That aside…you better explain everything you got."
—
"And this..?" Chuuya was drilling him on every product, knowing full well he'd have to eat whatever Dazai made him, which was the problem.
"You can't get better without some chicken noodle soup."
Dazai couldn't cook, and he wouldn't let Chuuya cook, so in Chuuya's mind he was absolutely doomed. The tension was high, the war at a standstill for now but on the edge of tipping over any second. If Chuuya made a run for it he'd be dragged back, he wouldn't even be able to use his ability. But if he let Dazai cook…someone just kill him now.
They both were stuck in a staring contest, wondering what move the other would make. Chuuya dared to break the silence first.
"Give me the can, Dazai." He held out his hand.
"It's not your weapon to wield, Chuuya." He hugged it to his chest.
"You'll get yourself hurt."
"It's for your own good!"
"Get back here!"
Chuuya leapt up and chased after Dazai as he made a run for the kitchen, chicken noodle soup can in hand.
"Go back to bed!"
"Then give up the can!"
"Never!"
Dazai slid to a stop and scrambled to open the microwave, he shoved the can inside and pressed start.
"Aha!" He laughed in truimph as Chuuya stopped in front of him.
Chuuya's eyes widened in horror.
"Dazai you absolute idiot!" Panic stricken he reached for the microwaves handle, only to be intercepted by Dazai, trying to defend it.
"My soup-!"
"-Is going to explode!"
Chuuya found no other way and pulled on Dazai in the opposite direction, shoving both of them behind the counter.
Just before the microwave exploded.
—
"So let me get this straight. You're sick," he nodded in Chuuya's direction, "and you tried to make him soup." He nodded in Dazai's direction. "By PUTTING THE CAN IN THE MICROWAVE. Correct?"
"Well..that's the gist of it."
"That's exactly what happened."
Dazai and Chuuya confirmed, looking small in their interrogation chairs in front of about-to-pop-a-vein, Kunikida.
"You're twenty two." Kunikida stated firmly, close to strangling Dazai if Atsushi didn't play peacemaker between them all.
"Why isn't Chuuya getting any of the blame?" Dazai asked poutily.
"He's sick," he replied as if that suddenly made him an angel. This one time Chuuya did not deny it.
The explosion, and unfortunately ruined soup, was cleaned up by the proper people. It was going to smell like burnt chicken for a while. When things were calming down again Atsushi spoke up.
"Um..I have one question, about all this..why were you eating soup in July?"
Chuuya and Dazai glanced at each other. It had never occurred.
—
Chuuya, relieved, returned to his bed. He thought he might actually like to have some rest now.
"Wait no, sit up! You have to eat." Dazai insisted.
"Ugh, still really? I just want to sleep.."
"Just a few bites please!!"
Chuuya relented in the hopes of future peace. Before leaving with Atsushi to do real, "and productive," work, Kunikida had made Chuuya a plate of non-hot non-burnt food, which Dazai was holding now.
Chuuya didn't expect for the spoon to be headed straight for his mouth, food loaded on.
"Open up!" Dazai was cheery again, was there no peace left in the world?
"No-" But as soon as he'd opened his mouth Dazai stuffed the spoon in. Chuuya was forced to take it and chew. And so it happened over again until he was full.
Chuuya was beginning to think this was Dazai's plan all along.
"Heh..baby." Dazai snickered one last time to himself, putting the empty bowl aside, and watching as Chuuya fell asleep and finally got his rest. "Such a fussy baby."
He stroked his hair back off his face, making sure he was cool enough. He left the room and the door half closed, keeping quiet while he did so, knowing Chuuya would have plenty of commands for him when he woke up.