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2024-11-18
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It's me, myself, and I

Summary:

“Listen, Telemarket-”

“Telemachus.”

“That’s what I said,” Perimedes brushed him off. “Listen, I’m a very busy guy, mkay? I’ve got better things to do than chat with random kids off the street.”

“Please, I just- I want to know what happened to my dad,” the kid said, clasping his hands together and looking at him with twinkling, desperate eyes like a little baby wolf pup.

Perimedes blinked slowly.

“Who?”

“Odysseus.”

Another blink.

“That loser? Seriously?”

 

OR

 

Zeus gets a bit confused and gives the choice meant for Odysseus to Perimedes instead.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Chapter 1: Prologue

Chapter Text

 

Perimedes stared up at the god as he brought a large cloud towards himself more seductively than any sane person would. Zeus was talking about women and pride and confessions and stuff. He honestly wasn’t paying that much attention. He was still pissed that Eurylochus screwed them all over.  

 

Not only did he kill a cow in the literal home of the sun god; he also thought he’d have time to- what? Eat it before the freaking god of gods arrived? And he was meant to be Odysseus’ right-hand man? Men really were idiots, and that was coming from a pure-blooded man himself. 

 

Back to Zeus, though. He was getting very mixed signals from the guy. Was he mad? Was he horny? Was he an asshole? 

 

All three for sure. 

 

And he was still talking. Did he ever shut up? Seriously, not even a “hello, how are you?”  

 

Not that that was expected from a god. He at least expected Zeus to say something like “I’m going to fucking kill you.”   

 

Honestly, he preferred Poseidon getting straight to the point of killing everyone over this eternal freaking monologue. 

 

“Tell me, Perimedes.” 

 

He froze, snapping back into reality.  

 

Everyone on the ship looked to him, just as shocked as he was at his name of all names being spoken. 

 

“If I were to make you choose the lives of your men and crew or your own, why do I think they’d lose?” 

 

“Uhhh...” He stated in all his glory, lost for words.  

 

“I think that was rhetorical,” Menelaus muttered beside him. 

 

“Tell me, King of Ithaca.” 

 

Perimedes slowly looked over to Odysseus, who was pale in the face. Zeus wasn’t looking at Ody, though. He was looking directly down at Perimedes, not taking his eyes off him for a moment. 

 

Oh man, Zeus got the wrong guy. He thought he was the king of Ithaca! 

 

Zeus went on talking, and he wondered whether he should correct him or not.  

 

Interrupting a god was rude. That’s how people got killed.  

 

But he’d probably get killed anyways if he didn’t interrupt him!  

 

Oh man oh man oh man-  

 

“Choose.” 

 

Perimedes blinked up at him, squinting slightly. The lightning was way too flashy and bright. Someone was going to have a fucking seizure if Zeus didn’t chill the hell out. 

 

“Choose?” Perimedes repeated, his voice far shakier than he would’ve preferred. 

 

“Someone’s gonna die today, and you have got the final say,” Zeus told him, his voice strangely melodic. This guy would be great in a musical. Perimedes would be better, though. “You?” his sharp, striking gaze slid towards the rest of the crew, where most of the men were huddled up together, trembling with fear. “Or your crew?” 

 

Oh man.  

 

Zeus... got the wrong guy. 

 

Perimedes looked back at Odysseus, who was horrified. 

 

“Peri,” Odysseus said firmly. “Please don’t do this. Tell him!” 

 

“Seriously, Odysseus?” he raised an eyebrow, acting as captain-y as he could. “We all know what you’d choose.” 

 

“I have a kingdom to return to! A son and a wife!” Odysseus snapped. “You don’t even have a reason to go back home!” 

 

He scoffed. “Yeah, I do. I want to live an actual life! A life not on a ship. Do you have any idea how seasick I get? Not to mention how small the cabins are-” 

 

Eurylochus stepped forward. “Is no one going to talk about the fact that neither of you even considered the rest of the crew for a second?” 

 

“Says the guy who killed the cow!” Perimedes snapped. 

 

Eurylochus gaped at him. “You were literally about to kill one too!” 

 

“Well duh,” he deadpanned. “I was hungry.” 

 

“So was I!”  

 

“Skill issue, honestly,” Perimedes shrugged. “Trust me dudes, I’m doing myself a favour.” 

 

He turned to the god that watched them like a hawk. Zeus’ eyes narrowed ever so slightly, the edges of his lips turning up into a sinister smile. 

 

“Yeah, I pick me,” Perimedes said confidently, hands on his hips. 

 

“Captain?” Eurylochus looked to Odysseus, as loyal as ever, as if awaiting one last order, or waiting for Odysseus to come up with some kind of way out of this.  

 

“Please,” Odysseus begged, tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t even spare Eury a glance, desperate eyes locked on his crew member. “I- I have to see her.” 

 

Perimedes refused to meet his gaze. 

 

Once upon a time, he might’ve cared enough to die for the crew. To choose their lives over his. Not anymore, though. Caring for someone was weakness, especially when everyone just ended up dead anyways.  

 

“But- but we’ll die,” Eurylochus said. He sounded so hurt. 

 

And yet Perimedes didn’t care. All Ody cared about was seeing his dumb freaking wife again. 

 

All Perimedes cared about was getting a proper meal and a proper bed without being surrounded by a bunch of sweaty men who permanently smelt like fish. 

 

He was a selfish person – he knew that. That was both his best and worst attribute.  

 

“I know,” he said, forcing down any possible empathy that tried to squeeze its way through. He looked pointedly at Zeus. 

 

Zeus raised an eyebrow. “So be it,” he eventually said.  

 

Lightning struck, and everything went black. 

 

Chapter 2: Chapter 1 - I'm in my comfort zone

Summary:

Perimedes wakes up on an island.

He quickly finds that he's not alone.

Chapter Text

 

Perimedes woke up choking on sand and sea water.  

 

He coughed and spluttered, groaning as he sat up. Slowly, he opened his eyes, an endless sea coming into his view.  

 

“Where am I..?” he asked aloud, more to himself than anything. His gaze trailed across the horizon, slowly meeting warm yellow sand before landing on another pair of eyes that stared at him intently.  

 

He shrieked, making a quick effort to get away from the island woman, catching a mouthful of sand. He spat it out distastefully, the dry, salty taste of sand and seawater lingering in his mouth.  

 

The woman giggled, grabbing him by his hair to pull him back up. She tilted her head at him, bringing him up to eye level.  

 

“Good morning to you too, sleepyhead,” she said, letting him go. “You’ve been resting for a while. I almost thought that you were dead when I found you washed up on my shores.”  

 

Perimedes blinked at her, slowly taking in her words. “You... you left me in the water.”  

 

“The waves pulled you back in, silly!” she said, twirling one of her braids. “Besides, it woke you up, didn’t it?”  

 

“...If by “woke me up” you mean it almost drowned me, then sure,” he decided, slowly standing up. “Where am I?”  

 

“You’re in paradise!” the woman exclaimed, springing up and spreading her arms out wide, a luscious green jungle reaching for the skies standing behind her.  

 

“Right,” he nodded slowly, needing a moment to fully comprehend the words she was saying. Everything hurt – from his head to his back to his toes, and he was sure sand had somehow wedged itself into his brain with how much was in his hair, clothes, and everywhere else on his body. “And... who are you?”  

 

“I’m Calypso!” she grabbed one of his hands, tugging him along eagerly. “Come on! I’ve got everything you could ever want here!”  

 

Perimedes’ eyes widened.   

 

Everything he could ever want?  

 

“Food?!” he exclaimed, his stomach suddenly rumbling more than ever before. “Fresh water?”  

 

“I said everything, didn’t I?”  

 

A grin spread across his face as Calypso continued to pull him along. He eagerly followed her, the prospect of food alone making his mouth water.  

 

Water had been scarce on the ships, even after the deaths of many of the men. They had limited amounts they could drink each day, so thirst had become as normal as hunger.  

 

“All you can eat!” Calypso exclaimed, coming to a stop. “As promised.”  

 

An entire feast was situated upon a large table of stone, neatly presented and practically screaming to be eaten. Maybe he was seeing things, but it seemed to glow with precious glory and beauty.  

 

“I prepared it just for you,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes. "I spent a lot of time making it neat and perfect so you would like i-”  

 

He grabbed a handful of the first thing he saw and practically shoved it down his throat, almost choking on it as he did. Calypso gaped at him as he shoved more and more stuff into his mouth.   

Gods, this was so much better tasting than sand.   

 

“You- you should probably slow down, though,” she said, catching his hand that was reaching for a drumstick and smiling nervously. “You might choke.”  

 

“Huh?” he looked up at her, mouth half-full of bread.  

 

“...Never mind,” she decided, taking a step back to allow him full access to everything on the table.  

 

An hour later, nothing was left.   

 

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” he said, grinning ear to ear. “But not because of the ships rocking too much, or because of stale bread and expired cheese.”  

 

“You- what?”  

 

“This is the best thing I’ve ever had in years!” he yelled, announcing it to the world.   

 

“I’m so glad you like it,” Calypso took his hands in hers, looking him in the eyes. “I’ve got so much more to show you. It will just be you and me here until the end of time! We’ll talk, and we’ll tell each other stories, and we’ll kiss, and we’ll-”  

 

Her voice quickly turned to white noise as she continued to ramble on about stuff Perimedes honestly couldn’t care less about. Hopefully, she wasn’t serious about the kissing thing. That was... weird.  

 

He looked over to a worn-out trail that led through a pair of palm trees, their branches dripping down like curtains.  

 

Calypso was still babbling about something. She had changed topics now. He briefly heard something about a gift or something.  

 

Curiously, he got up and began to follow the trail. Save for a few lower branches that brushed his head, it was clearly regularly walked through.  

 

Pinks and oranges peeked through a few trees. He stepped past, finding the trail led to a ledge.  

 

“What are you doing?” Calypso asked nervously.  

 

Perimedes stared down at the waves crashing against the dark rocks below, standing right on the edge. His foot hit a small piece of rubble that went toppling down, eaten by the waves, never to be seen again.  

 

He took a step back, realising that it could be him if he wasn’t careful. Instead, he looked up at the setting sun. A few stars were beginning to make their appearance amongst the glorious pinks, blues, oranges and purples that painted the sky.  

 

There was not a single cloud in sight.  

 

“How did I get here?” he asked, squinting his eyes as he scanned the sunset for any clouds.  

 

“Fate, I’m certain,” Calypso said, taking one of his hands. “Why else would you be on my island?”  

 

“No, like, literally,” Perimedes pulled his arm out of her grasp. “How the hell did I get here?”  

 

“You washed up on the shores surrounded by drifting pieces of wood from a ship.”  

 

She pointed to the beach, which was just visible past a few trees. Sure enough, large chunks and splinters of at least one of the ships had washed ashore.  

 

“Oh,” he said dumbly.  

 

“You never told me your name, handsome,” Calypso took his hand yet again (seriously, she liked his personal space more than he did at this point), splaying her fingers in between his and looking up at him longingly.  

 

“Perimedes,” he said after a moment.  

 

“It’s a wonderful name,” she said, leaning closer to him. Uncomfortably close, in fact.  

 

“Uhh... thanks?” Perimedes replied awkwardly. “I got it for my birthday.”  

 

“Well, it’s wonderful,” she said again.  

 

“Yep, you... you just said that.”  

 

The sky grew darker, and more stars appeared, smiling and happy and mocking him.  

 

He scowled at them.  

 

They were still right beside the ledge.  

 

“I’m tired,” he said, forcefully pushing Calypso off of him. “Where do I sleep?”  

 

“We could sleep under the stars, if you like,” Calypso offered.  

 

Just the idea made him sick.  

 

“No,” he snapped. “Stargazing is stupid.”  

 

Calypso frowned slightly. “Um... okay then. How about we...”  

 

“Can I sleep in a proper bed? Without anyone else in the same tent?”  

 

“If... that’s what you want.”  

 

“Oh gods yes! Please! That's all I want and more!”  

 

His days of being surrounded by sweaty men in a small cabin were over! Maybe, just maybe, he’d actually get sleep for once!  

 

If only he could rub it in on the rest of the crew. They’d hate it so much. They’d be so jealous of him.  

Who knew literally being selfish would pay off so well?  

 

He was going to have the best sleep he’s had in years.  

 

 

He had the worst sleep ever.  

 

If it could even count as a sleep. Did tossing and turning all night count as sleep?  

 

He thought that finally having his own bed to sleep in (his own tent, actually. Calypso had made it just for him) would mean the perfect sleep. Apparently, however, it didn’t.  

 

Then again, it wasn’t very different from his usual attempts at sleep. Maybe it wasn’t the loudly snoring men that was the issue after all.  

 

All frustration of his terrible sleep went away the instant he finally left his tent, however. The scent of fresh, hot food drifted through the air, carried away by the cool morning breeze that prickled at his skin.  

 

He jumped to his feet, scrambling towards the same spot he had eaten that absolute feast the previous day.  

 

He ran past Calypso, who had likely been heading down to get him.  

 

Just as his nose had told him, a spread of foods that he had only had a few times in the last decade or so (one of those times he had been turned into a pig) screamed his name. Dates, olives, figs, tagenites, barley bread dipped in wine.  

 

He was definitely going to make himself sick from eating too much now. This was the best thing to ever happen to him. Take that depression!  

 

“Where did you even get all of this?” he asked when he heard Calypso’s footsteps approaching behind him. He headed straight for the figs. They were perfect.  

 

“I told you, this is paradise!” Calypso exclaimed cheerfully. “This is just the first day of the perfect rest of your life! Anything and everything for you, my love.”  

 

He gobbled every last crumb of food on the table up greedily.  

 

He was full, and wasn’t that amazing?  

 

And the things Calypso was offering – anything and everything, for the rest of his life – how could he even consider trying to leave?  

 

 Calypso dragged him all across the island, showing him every activity there was and every sight there was to see, and all of it was amazing.  

 

There was a much deeper part of the jungle of luscious trees and vines and bushes that was considerably less adventured in. When he asked if he could have his own part of the island, Calypso agreed without a moment’s hesitance.  

 

Weeks passed. He and Calypso quickly grew fairly comfortable in each other's presence, Calypso even more so than Perimedes. She would throw herself onto him, wrapping her arms around him and caressing his skin.  

 

One day, he sat on the ledge of the cliff, kicking his legs boredly as he stared out into the vast ocean. Calypso came up behind him, taking his arm and pulling it close to her.  

 

“What are you thinking about?”  

 

“Ithaca,” Perimedes replied. “I wonder what happened to it. Like – is it still intact or did it burn to the ground, you know?”  

 

Whatever he said must’ve triggered something inside Calypso, because she grabbed his face and forced him to look at her.  

 

“Don’t worry about it,” she said firmly. “You don’t have to worry about anything else ever again.”  

 

Their faces were uncomfortably close.  

 

“...And why, exactly, is that?”  

 

“You’re in paradise,” she said, as she had been saying every day as an answer for every question he ever asked. “And you’re mine. All mine.”  

 

She placed a kiss on his forehead before standing back up and beginning to make her way back to the main area. “Now c’mon silly! Let’s get you some lunch, hm?”  

 

Perimedes wiped the traces of the kiss of his face absentmindedly.  

 

One thing he had quickly learnt about Calypso is that she was “helplessly in love with him”.  

 

When she first started with the whole “I’m in love with you” thing, which was pretty much from the very start, he had come to realise, he had considered flat out rejecting her...  

 

That was until he realised the advantages of having a girl “helplessly in love” with him. The only real reason she was so ready to do anything and everything for him was because she loved him. While Perimedes didn’t love her back, he didn’t reject her.  

 

He didn’t care whether she thought he loved her back or not. He wasn’t going to lie to her and say that he loved her, he wasn’t a total asshole, but he wasn’t going to say he wasn’t in love with her either.  

 

His plan was to just go along with it and hope that he came out on top.  

 

That was his power – not loving anyone. Not loving anyone meant not having nothing to lose. It meant having nothing to fear.  

 

It was just him, himself, and- also... him.  

 

Alone.  

 

Forever.  

 

Save for Calypso, of course. She was kind of really annoying, but she made really good food.

 

Chapter 3: Chapter 2 - God Games

Summary:

Athena realises a problem.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

“Old friend. It’s been ten years since I last saw you.”  

 

As Athena spoke, she conjured up a visage of moments in Odysseus’ life that struck out the most.  

 

Immediately, she saw the face of her friend. Still young, still so stupidly naive.  

 

“Remember me! I am the infamous Odysseus!”  

 

She couldn’t help but smile at that, even if it was weak. She missed him.  

 

“Let’s see where you’ve been.”  

 

Flashes of memories flickered by.  

 

“Keep your friends close and your enemies closer!”  

 

“Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves!”  

 

“If you make one wrong move then you’re done for!”  

 

“I see a song of past romance-”  

 

“We won’t take more suffering from you.”  

 

“Drown in your sorrows and fears!”  

 

Silence. Odysseus was on a ship, looking as helpless as ever. Zeus, her father, lingered high above them, watching them like a hawk.  

 

“Captain?” his right-hand man, Eurylochus, whispered helplessly.  

 

“Please,” Odysseus said, and in his desperation, Athena could see how much he had aged in the last decade. He looked so tired. “I- I have to see her.”  

 

“But- but we’ll die,” Eurylochus said finally after a long, deadly silence. It was a desperate plea for mercy.  

 

A flash of blinding thunder, and it all disappeared.  

 

Athena frowned. “Odysseus, where did you go?”  

 

She pressed further, finding her search for Odysseus more troublesome than it should’ve been.  

 

After much prodding and poking, she managed to find a location; an island.  

 

Calypso’s island.  

 

She had seen enough. She knew what Calypso could do, and she knew what Calypso would do upon finding a man on her shores.  

 

“He needs my help,” she said. No one was around to hear it, but she didn’t care. She would find him and save him.  

 

She knew what she had to do.  

 


 

Athena strode toward the towering throne where her father sat, gripping her spear tightly in one hand.  

 

“Father,” Athena spoke, bowing before the God of Gods on one knee, head down. “God King; rarely do I ask for favours.”  

 

She could feel Zeus’ cold and judging gaze pressing into him.  

 

“Now I’m knocking on your door in hopes to save a friendship with one who’s a prisoner far from home,” she raised her head, looking her father in the eyes. “The King of Ithaca.”  

 

Zeus, sitting upon his throne of clouds and lightning, perked an eyebrow. “Divine intervention, is that what you seek? To untie apprehensions that were placed on the Greek?”  

 

He leaned forward. “You are playing with thunder. For a man full of shame.” He tilted his head, threading his fingers through his beard thoughtfully. “But...”  

 

“But?” Athena repeated, urging him to continue.  

 

“If he is worth the risk of going under... why not make it a game?” Zeus grinned at her as there was a flash of light. Suddenly, they were in an arena of sorts. Zeus still sat proudly on a towering throne, in a position perfect for viewing the rest of the arena. Gods, heroes, creatures and even a few mortal souls flooded the seats, many already cheering. “Convince each of them that he ought to be released, and I’ll release him.”  

 

Athena tilted her head in a bird-like fashion, narrowing her eyes. “Who’s them?”  

 

“Apollo!” Zeus shouted, and as he did, Apollo appeared in a flash of lightning on a pedestal, giving her a small wave. “Hephaestus!” The next pedestal soon held Hephaestus, standing with his hands held behind his back, watching with a careful eye. “Aphrodite! Ares! Hera!” Each god he mentioned was brought in, some clearly more hyped than others. Some being Ares.  

 

Then Zeus stood up, causing a flash of lightning. “Or me ,” he hissed in a low tone before turning to the other gods. “What do you say?”  

 

“Great!”  

 

“Very well.”  

 

“Ugh.”  

 

“Alright!”  

 

“Groovy.”  

 

“Bring it,” Athena smirked.  

 

Apollo was put onto the arena first. He was obviously not too interested but kept his cheery mood despite this.  

 

“You all know I’m a fan of catchy songs,” Apollo began, speaking to the crowd. “So, with so many sirens gone, I think Ody’s in the wrong.”  

 

He looked at Athena encouragingly. I gave you an easy one, she could almost hear him saying, you’ve got this.  

 

“They were trying to do him worse,” Athena spoke, clenching her spear. “All he did was reimburse them. Now they’ll tread with caution first and live another day and sing another verse.”  

 

Apollo looked to Zeus. “If that’s true, release him.”  

 

Hephaestus was next.  

 

“Trust is not given. It’s forged. Why should I give him my support? He sacrificed his own cohort.”  

 

“Did you forget they failed to listen?” Athena took a step toward him, smirking. This would be easy. She’d save Odysseus and get him home, as he deserved. “He was betrayed and then imprisoned. But – if you make the right decision, he can still build a future with those who miss him.”  

 

Hephaestus bowed his head, a small smile on his lips as he turned to Zeus. “Fine. Release him.”  

 

Aphrodite.  

 

“Your little ‘high and mighty’ Odysseus claims to love his mother but let her die of a broken heart.”  

 

Athena scowled. “He was busy fighting!”  

 

Aphrodite scoffed at that. “More like busy spiting the Cyclops.” She looked over to Zeus. “Let him feel the pain that his mother felt and- what?”  

 

“What?” Athena asked, frowning.  

 

“Is something wrong?” Aphrodite asked Zeus. Athena turned to her father, who seemed awfully confused.  

 

“Odysseus?” he said, confusion visible on his face. “Uh- who’s that again?”  

 

Athena and Aphrodite exchanged confused looks.  

 

“He’s who we’ve been talking about this whole time,” Athena said.  

 

“Odysseus?”  

 

“Yeah!” Hermes shouted out from the crowd, hovering above his seat. “He was the guy that had to kill the baby because you told him to!”  

 

“Oh! Him. ” Zeus chuckled. “Yeah, you’ll have to take that up with Hades. He’s dead.”  

 

Athena gaped at him. “He’s- he’s what?”  

 

“Dead,” Zeus repeated. “Do I need to spell it out to you?”  

 

“But you gave the King of Ithaca the choice between himself and his crew, didn’t you?” Hera raised an eyebrow at him.  

 

“Yes,” Zeus nodded. “Yes, I did.”  

 

“Who, exactly, do you think the King of Ithaca is?” Hephaestus asked after a moment.  

 

“It’s- uh, what’s his name again?” He furrowed his eyebrows, tapping his finger on the armrest of the throne. “I... I forgot.”  

 

The crowd went completely silent. Everyone stared at Zeus. Athena was visibly pale, Ares was clearly disappointed that he didn’t get to fight Athena yet, Hera face palmed, Hephaestus sighed, Aphrodite was still staring wide-eyed at Zeus, and Apollo was grimacing.  

 

“What?” he asked, sitting up straight, shifting uncomfortably under the many eyes. “Why is everyone staring at me?”  

 

“Dad...” Apollo said slowly. “Did you forget to take your meds again?”  

 

Zeus scoffed. “Pfft. No.”  

 

“He did, for your information!” Hermes shouted out from the crowd. “Now get on with the show! I wanna see more drama !”  

 

“Woo!” Aeolus cheered as Hermes applauded. Everyone ignored them.  

 

“If you didn’t know that Odysseus was the King of Ithaca...” Athena said, biting the inside of her cheek. “Then... who the fuck is on the island?”  

 


 

Perimedes laid back on the beach chair, arms behind his head.  

 

“Calypso, darling, could you go fetch me another drink? I’m parched.”  

 

“Of course!” Calypso exclaimed. “Anything for my love~” he heard her singsong, voice fading out as she skipped away to follow his order. He was pretty sure that she thought they had a thing. He had never once recuperated it – at least not in a romantic way. He’d sometimes give her hugs, or lean his head on her shoulder, or just sit in silence in her company, but who could blame him? She was the only person he’d ever talked to for seven years.  

 

“Yeah, yeah,” Perimedes waved her off, going back to staring off into the unending, empty sea. Not a single storm in sight. Man, if only it had been this calm during the years they tried to get home. Everything would’ve been a whole lot easier.  

 

This , he thought, this was the life . Lying back on a chair under a bright, perfect sun and drinking cocktails from coconuts. Nothing could be better.  

 

He glanced around at the wide, empty beach around him. Seashells washed up on shore, some shattered by waves and others still perfectly intact. As another wave came in, his sandcastle from the previous day fell apart upon contact with the water.  

 

It was almost dead quiet around him. The sound of waves was white noise in his ears; he was so used to hearing it that it just became a constant buzz. It was neither comforting nor irritating. It just was.  

 

He was completely alone on the beach. When he first arrived on the island, he thought he’d get used to the lack of constant chatter, of shouts and laughter and bickering, but the emptiness in his chest only ever worsened.  

 

He didn’t want to miss the presence of his crew. He didn’t even know if that was what he actually missed.  

 

The void in his chest had made its appearance long before he made the choice to get rid of the remaining crew. There was only one person who had ever been able to fill that void.  

 

He remembered one night, not even that long ago, where he had stood at the ledge of the cliff. He remembered thinking how easy it would be to join... to join him , how he’d be able to get rid of that emptiness in his chest for good with just one step . Calypso had pulled him away from that ledge, urging him to go to sleep. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get a proper night’s rest.  

 

“Peri, my love!” Calypso chirped, shuffling through the sand. “I brought two; I didn’t know which flavour you’d prefer. I’ll have whatever you don’t choose.”  

 

He shot her a grin, taking the drink in her right hand. “Thanks Caly. You’re a goddess.”  

 

“That I am,” she agreed, lying in the sand.  

 

Perimedes’ gaze lingered on her for a moment before shifting back to the sky.  

 

Occasionally, he’d hear a distant squawk of a seabird or two. Occasionally, he’d see two of them flying together, twirling and twisting through the sky joyfully, ignorant toward everything but themselves.  

 

He put his drink to the side, suddenly not as thirsty as he had been previously.  

 

“Hey, Caly,” he sat up. “I was thinking of making another thing out of clay. Do you think you could make more? I’m running pretty low on clay.”  

 

Calypso’s face lit up. “Of course! I’ll go do that now!”  

 

He shot her a forced grin, watching her skip away once more.  

 

He sighed.  

Calypso’s promises of everything weren’t entirely truthful after all.  

 

He was still lonely.  

 

Notes:

damn so this ended up a bit more serious than I originally intended
oh well

also I changed the summary so don't mind that

Chapter 4: Chapter 3: I'm not in my comfort zone

Summary:

Things get a little bit dangerous.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

Perimedes had been working on a sandcastle when Calypso approached him.  

 

... so maybe building sandcastles were a little bit childish. What else was he supposed to do? Just because an island had everything he ever wanted, it didn’t mean that it had endless activities.  

 

“I’ve been doubting a few things. I’ve been doubting... us,” was the first thing she said to him upon arrival.  

 

He internally cringed. Yep, he had been expecting this for a while now.  

 

“Peri, I love you,” Calypso began, the words familiar on her tongue. “You know that. I’ve told you this every day from the first time we met. I love you more than anything. More than the sun and sea, more than the beaches and trees, more than the sky and ground, more than-”  

 

“Alright, alright,” Perimedes put a finger to her mouth, silencing her. “No need to get all poetic and shit. What are you saying?”  

 

“I’m saying that I’ve told you these things over and over again,” Calypso said to him. “Every day for seven years, and you... you didn’t say it back once.”  

 

“Well duh,” Perimedes huffed. “I don’t like you that way.”  

 

“You- what?”  

 

“I. Don’t. Like. Yo-”  

 

“I heard what you said!” Calypso snapped. “What do you- what do you mean by that?”  

 

“Dude,” Perimedes said. “I’m not in love with you.”  

 

Her eyes widened in a mix of fear and horror and devastation all at once. Tears poured down her face as she clenched her fists at her side, her mouth twisting into a scowl.  

 

“You- you asshole!” she shouted, voice so loud and thunderous that the ocean trembled. He pouted as his sandcastle began to crumble. Her eyes glowed with pure power and rage, and the reality of the situation he had put himself in really struck out suddenly. “You stupid, stupid fucking asshole!”  

 

Crap. He had just pissed off a goddess. Good one, Peri. Real good thinking .  

 

“Yeah- yeah I probably deserve that,” he admitted guiltily, gulping.  

 

“You lying asshole !”  

 

“Alright, now that’s a bit too far,” Perimedes raised his hands in surrender, backing up a bit and almost tripping on the large pile of sand that had been his sandcastle. “I’ll admit that I’m an asshole, sure, but I’m sure as hell not a liar. I never told you I loved you back once.”  

 

How can you not love me?” Calypso cried out, tears streaming down her face.  

 

“Hey, if it makes you feel better, that’s how I feel about pretty much everyone-”  

 

“How could you?! I- I told you everything about me! I gave you a home, and everything you ever would want! I did everything you asked for! How could you- how could you not love me?!”  

 

“Listen, Caly, I get your frustration; I mean, I think that I would maybe be a bit upset too if someone I loved said that they didn’t love me, even though that situation would never come to pass in the first place because I wouldn’t bother loving anyone to begin with-” he took in a breath. “And anyways, my time here has been great! I don’t think it could’ve been much better without you! I’d have probably gone insane if you didn’t live here! See? I do appreciate your help and presence and stuff.”  

 

Calypso raised a fist as if to hit him in an outburst of fury, causing him to shriek and cover himself. He was so dead. He was so, so dead-  

 

Nothing happened. He looked up at her as she lowered her fists, all anger melting away. Her eyes blinked back to normal, but the tears were still there, flowing steadily like a waterfall.  

 

“How can you be so annoying and irritating and demanding? How can one person be such an annoying jerk?”  

 

“I dunno man, I was a pretty spoiled kid,” he shrugged.  

 

“Yes, I can tell,” she said after a moment. “It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, though.”  

 

“Yeah, just-” he glanced down at the fist she had almost punched him with nervously. “Just don’t kill me? Please?”  

 


 

Life in paradise was still as good as it could get for him.  

 

The incident with Calypso hadn’t really changed anything. She still practically worshipped him. She still seemed to have a bit of hope that he’d change his mind and love her. He let her keep trying. He didn’t want to stop having the best breakfast possible every morning. He had actually feared that they would start being charcoal instead, at first. Thankfully, it remained the same. Everything remained the same.  

 

It had just been another day, as all days are, when things finally did change. Life in Calypso’s Island was as perfect as it could get.  

 

Perimedes had woken up from a bad night's sleep, ate a delicious breakfast, and went on to do random activities to keep himself occupied.  

 

That wasn’t the strange part. That was the normal part.  

 

The strange part was the fact that not once that morning did he see Calypso.  

 

He brushed the uneasiness off, instead heading to the beaches to work more on his sandcastle. It was the biggest he had made yet, easily a few feet taller than him.  

   

He ended up working on it for a few hours, carving details in with a stick. Every few minutes, he’d look around for any sight of Calypso. He hadn’t seen her all day. It was starting to worry him, as surprising as that worry surprising as that worry was.  

 

It was then the goddess finally showed up, just as the sun began to meet the horizon.  

 

Her eyes were puffy and red from crying, cheeks tear-stained. Her bottom lip was quivering, as if she’d burst into tears at any given moment. She looked distressed, to say the least.  

 

“What’s up with you?” he asked, quickly realising that he may have been a bit too straightforward. He didn’t want her to start sobbing in front of him. He didn’t know how to deal with crying people.  

 

Calypso let in a shaky, trembling breath, breathing it back out slowly.  

 

“Someone arrived today,” she began slowly, gaze firmly locked on the sand around her feet. “They said they’re taking you away. That you’re not mine to save, and soon I won’t get to see your face.”  

 

Oh.  

 

Perimedes put his stick down, standing up to face her properly.  

 

Calypso swallowed, fidgeting anxiously with her hands. “So, I came by to say... you’re unlike anyone I have ever known.” She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes. “Cause you’re all I’ve ever known.”  

 

Perimedes stared at her, anxiety rising in his chest.  

 

“Did someone threaten to kidnap me?” he asked, just as she opened her mouth to continue.  

 

“What? No!” Calypso cried out. “Well- yes- but not kidnap ! They’re taking you off my island-”  

 

Yes! That sounds a lot like kidnapping!”  

 

“It’s not kidnapping!” Calypso yelled. She sighed. “The point is, you can’t stay here anymore.”  

 

“You just agreed with this?”  

 

“What was I supposed to do?” she snapped. “I can’t argue with them; it’ll end up bad for me.” She cast her eyes away from him.  

 

“I’m gonna get kicked off?!” Perimedes shouted, horrified. “But- but- but what about breakfast?”  

 

That’s your first priority?!”  

 

“I have trauma!”  

 

“Trauma from what? Having a limited amount of food like most people?!”  

 

“I’m a growing boy!”  

 

“You’re an adult man!”  

 

“Physically, I am,” he huffed. “You don’t know how old I am mentally.”  

 

Calypso groaned. “I’m trying to have a heartfelt moment, Perimedes.”  

 

Well, that wasn’t a good sign. She said his full name. The last person that had spoken to him with such tiresome disappointment was his mom. Actually, scratch that. It had probably been Odysseus.  

 

“Am I in trouble?”  

 

“No!” she shouted, then paused. “ Yes , actually! They’re taking you off the island!”  

 

“Exactly!” he shouted back. “ Why are we shouting?!”  

 

“Because you haven’t even said that you’ll miss me or anything!”  

 

“I’ll honestly likely forget you the moment I leave this place,” he admitted. “I won’t forget the food, however. That’s some good stuff.”  

 

Calypso wiped a tear from her eye. “I’ll- I’ll go get a boat ready for you.”  

 

Perimedes didn’t say anything, staring into the vast, open sea.  

 

What was he going to do? Where was he meant to go? He didn’t even know where the hell he was, let alone how to get back to Ithaca-  

 

Did he even want to get back to Ithaca? Ithaca was home, technically, sure, but it was never home.  

 

The only thing that ever kept him from leaving that damn kingdom all those years back was-  

It was Elpenor. And he was gone.  

 


 

 

He set off into the sea the next day.  

 

Calypso’s island was still in view when he started feeling queasy. He had almost forgotten about this. Stupid seasickness.  

 

“I don’t even know how to get to Ithaca,” he said aloud, the sea responding by tossing his boat slightly. “How will I get there?”  

 

“All you have to do is not open this bag.”  

 

Perimedes screamed as another wave rocked the boat, causing him to lose balance and fall right off.  

 

A man was hovering above him.  

 

A man was hovering above him.  

 

Like a cat in a bathtub, he hastily reached toward the boat, struggling to grab the side of it. Even more like a cat in a bathtub, he was picked up by the back of his shirt and dropped back onto the boat, sopping wet.  

 

“I have a weapon!” he announced, scrambling for his sword. He gripped it tightly in two hands, backing up against the mast of the boat, glancing around for the hovering man. The sky and seas were completely empty, however.  

 

“I’m right here.”  

 

He screamed again, once more losing balance and falling backwards – this time, however, he was caught midair and pulled back in.  

 

“You really are stupid,” the man stated, wiping his hand on his clothes as if simply touching Perimedes disgusted him.  

 

“Who are you?!” Peri yelled, trying his best to seem in control of the situation, even though it was very obvious that he was not, in fact, in control of the situation.  

 

“Do you seriously not recognise me?”  

 

Peri looked the guy up and down. He did seem vaguely familiar, but he didn’t think it was anyone he had met before.  

 

“Did we go to the same school?”  

 

The man stared at him.  

 

“What?” Peri asked.  

 

“Look at my shoes!”  

 

Perimedes did so.  

 

Wings flapped, attached to his shoes.  

 

He stared at them. He looked back up at the man. He glanced back down and up again, taking it in.  

 

“Hermes?”  

 

“Oh my gods- YES!” The man – Hermes, shouted, gently landing on the boat. “How stupid can one man be?!”  

 

Peri scoffed. “You look stupider .”  

 

“Give it up, honestly,” Hermes waved him off. “Listen, Peri, darling, I was sent here to help you out on your journey, and I already hate you. Do you want to live or not?”  

 

“Is that a threat?”  

 

“I just said I was here to help you,” Hermes deadpanned.  

 

“And how, exactly, are you gonna do that?”  

 

Hermes rolled his eyes, holding out a small bag embedded with wind patterns on the outside.  

 

“You’re being given a final option,” Hermes began, “Consider this your one last chance to make it back home and abandon caution-”  

 

“Do I have to head back home?” Peri interrupted.  

 

“Where else are you going to go?” Hermes asked, gesturing around at the vast emptiness that was the sea. “Back to Circe’s place? Through Polyphemus’ cave? Why not take a stroll through Scylla’s lair, perchance?”  

 

Peri crossed his arms. “If your plan’s so great then why’d you wait to say it?”  

 

Hermes grinned.  

 

“Well it’s a little bit-”  

 

“Please don’t break into dance,” Peri cut him off, pressing a hand to his mouth.  

 

“I can do whatever I want,” Hermes snapped, shoving his hand off. “As I was. It’s a little bit-”  

 

“Can’t you just tell me?”  

 

Hermes groaned, wiping a hand down his face. “Why are you such a little bitch? Why couldn’t it be Odysseus? My best buddy Ody would let me break into song and dance as much as I wanted.”  

 

“Oh, I’m sorry. Do you need a baby bottle? Do you need me to feed you by hand because your little baby brain is too stupid and too busy crying to do it yoursel-”  

 

“You know what?!” Hermes yelled. “Here! Take this! I can’t be bothered with an annoying little idiot like you. You don’t even deserve to be called darling.”  

 

He shoved a letter into his hands, stepping back and watching as he glared at him. Frowning, Peri opened the letter. A crudely drawn middle finger at the top silently insulted him. He let out a small, disgusted huff, focusing on the main message.  

 

To Perimedes the jerk face,  

 

There’s gonna be a bunch of uncharted waters and stuff. Get over it you baby. Just follow the north star. No, I don’t care how far you think you’ve gone. Keep moving, and keep following the north star, idiot.  

Run into danger? Get over it. Die? Good riddance. Nobody likes you. And not Nobody as in Odysseus. I mean that literally everyone hates you.  

 

Unkind regards,  

The one and only Hermes, aka he who invented the telephone, texting, messages, and many other great things that no one can come even close to reaching the level of greatness to.  

 

Peri looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. “Is that it?”  

 

Hermes sighed, holding the bag out once more.  

 

“There’s also the windbag,” he said nonchalantly. “We went through so much to get this.”  

 

He dangled the bag above Peri, a small grin above his face. “Keep this bag closed if you wanna get home, sir.”  

 

Teddy bear things materialised out of nowhere. “You won’t get another time to try!”  

 

 What the hell?  

 

“The raging storm inside won’t let you get closer!”  

 

The teddy bear things swirled around Hermes. “It was meant to stop you by design!”  

 

Hermes dropped the bag into Perimedes’ arms. “Cause no mortal can pass Poseidon’s storm, open this bag and you’ll never make it ho-”  

 

“Why the hell do I have it then?”  

 

Hermes paused. “Ask yourself that.”  

 

“What do you mean ‘ask yourself that’ ? You’re the god!”  

 

“Okay?”  

 

They stared at each other.  

 

“Well now what?” Perimedes asked.  

 

“You’re meant to say thank you,” Hermes placed a hand on his hip, watching him expectantly.  

 

Perimedes rolled his eyes. “Thank you, O great and powerful Hermes, for giving me a bag of wind. How ever will I repay you?”  

 

“Don’t die, how about that?” Hermes grinned. “Well, I’ll be off. Good luck.”  

 

And then he was gone.  

 

Once again, what the hell?  

Notes:

idk what I'm doing to be honest

Chapter 5: Chapter 4: A little bit dangerous

Summary:

Perimedes runs - or, well, floats, technically - into some trouble.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

It had been smooth sailing for far too long, so as much as it should’ve been a surprise, Perimedes was completely indifferent to the sight of a huge freaking monster rising out of the waves, whirlpools forming and throwing his ship around as it tried to lure him in.  

 

He grabbed on to the mast, keeping balance while also trying to avoid capsizing.  

 

“Damn, Hermes seriously understated the whole ‘dangerous’ thing,” he muttered, grabbing the closest rope he could see and tying his ankle to the boat. Falling off would ensure his fate. Besides, if the boat flipped, he’d be dead anyways. “A little bit dangerous? How about a lot dangerous?!”  

 

With careful precision, he adjusted the sail, using the whirlpool to his advantage. Charybdis roared. The whirlpool surged, and Perimedes managed to keep his boat on the edge of it as he carefully observed the beast. He narrowed his eyes as it practically inhaled water.  

 

A laugh escaped him. It was that easy?  

 

He didn’t even have to kill it! The thing was so stupid it would kill itself!  

 

“Alright, you big idiot,” he said, riding the waves on his boat as best he could, spluttering whenever a wave got a salty mouthful of water into his mouth. “Bring it on.”  

 

All at once, it convulsed, breaking in on itself in a sudden explosion of waves. Terrified, he clung to the boat, squeezing his eyes shut as he prepared for the worst.  

 

The boat was thrown along a giant wave, and it was a miracle it didn’t capsize.  

 

As the waves around him began to settle, he opened an eye slightly.  

 

And then he saw it.  

 

Ithaca was in view.  

 

“Damn,” he said. “If I was Ody, there would be a million more obstacles right now.”  

 

He paused for a moment, as if something were to rise out of the water any moment now.  

 

Nothing happened.  

 

“Ha!” he exclaimed. “I guess it’s just Ody with main character syndrome, then.”  

 

20 long years since he had been to his home city, and he was back.  

 

He returned home, completely alone.  

 

A grin grew across his face. No one was there to take his glory. The title of Ultimate Hero was up for grabs! He could be worshipped! Praised! Loved! He could become a hero. He could be famous.  

 

Suddenly, the water began to rumble. If he was entirely honest, he thought it was his stomach for a hot moment, but that theory was quickly proved wrong as a tidal wave began to raise from the sea out of nowhere, towering high above him and completely blocking his view of Ithaca.  

 

“That’s probably not good,” he said, as observant as ever. The wave didn’t move anywhere but up, growing and growing and growing. It was big enough to consume any proper ship whole in one gulp, never to be seen again. It was a giant wall blocking him from getting to Ithaca.  

 

In the wave the figure of a person begin to form, quickly taking the shape of Poseidon. The god stepped through the water as if it was- well, water. Fear took hold of him, squeezing him so tight that he couldn’t move, he couldn’t breathe. Shit. He was going to die, wasn’t he?  

 

He swallowed hard, racking his brain for any kind of plan, any kind of way he could get out of here alive. Facing a god wasn’t exactly what he had planned for his trip.  

 

“I’ve been waiting for this moment... for the perfect time to strike,” the god began, a twisted, sick, sinister smile growing on his dumb – although admittedly handsome – face. “When your home’s so close and you’ve reached your coast, that’s when our paths collide.”  

 

He seemed to float on the water as he moved forward. “I’ve got a reputation, I’ve got a name to uphold, so I can’t go letting you live or else the world forgets I’m col-” Poseidon stopped abruptly. He squinted his eyes, trying to get a better look at him as he frowned. “You’re not Odysseus.”  

 

Immediately, he Perimedes relaxed. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Yeah. People keep getting us confused for some reason.”  

 

Poseidon looked around him, searching for any other boats. “Well, where is he?”  

 

“Oh, he’s not here,” Peri said with a slight shrug.  

 

“Not- not here?” Poseidon stuttered, bewildered. “Are you serious? I had a whole thing planned out.”  

 

Perimedes tilted his head. “Were you waiting for him or something? What? Planning on a date?”  

 

Poseidon scowled. “Not a date , mortal.”  

 

Peri raised an eyebrow, a stupid grin growing on his face. “Dude, don’t tell me you’ve been here for the entire ten years it’s been since you killed all his dudes.”  

 

Poseidon refused to meet his eye.   

 

Perimedes cackled, doubling over in his laughter. He could feel Poseidon’s glare on him, but he couldn’t have cared less. “Seriously?” he managed out through his laughter. “That’s- that’s hilarious,” he wiped a tear from his eye.   

 

“He needs to learn the consequences of his actions,” Poseidon said lowly, trying his best to sound menacing.  

 

Perimedes wiped a tear from his eye, still chuckling. “Well, I hate to say it dude, but he’s kinda dead.”  

 

Poseidon’s eyes widened. “Excuse me?”  

 

“Dead. D-E-A-D, Odysseus is dea-”  

 

“I heard you the first time,” the god cut him off sharply. “I just...” he trailed off with a sigh. “How did he die?”  

 

“Your bro, Zeus, he got a bit mixed up. He accidentally asked me the thing he was meant to ask Ody, so I got to live in turn for the rest of the crew.”  

 

“Of course he would,” he muttered, more to himself than anything. “Whatever. It doesn’t matter. You played as much a part in turning my son blind instead of simply killing him as your captain. You’re no better than Odysseus.”  

 

“Oh, please don’t say that,” Perimedes groaned, wiping a hand down his face. “Trust me when I say that we genuinely believed we were going to kill him. Ody told us that we were gonna stab the dude in the eye, and we yelled “Let’s kill him!”, but instead of killing him Ody – for some really stupid reason – thought that the better thing to do was to straight up dox himself. Like, dude, seriously, why not give him your credit card number while you’re at it?”  

 

Poseidon stared at him, shocked, before a small chuckle escaped his mouth. Perimedes grinned, proud of being able to get that reaction from him.  

 

“So yeah,” he said. “I had nothing to do with Ody’s stupidity of giving his full name, identity, and address to the guy that tried to kill us all that Ody didn’t even decide to kill in the end.”  

 

Poseidon studied him closely, sighing. “You’ve got a lot of nerve. As much as I’d love to turn you into kelp... Your honesty is refreshing. You seem to already understand the importance of finishing what you’ve started.”  

 

“Well yeah,” Perimedes shrugged. “I don’t love anybody. That’s my power.”  

 

Poseidon awkwardly glanced around himself, as if checking to see if anyone else was watching. He sighed, facing Perimedes. “Fine. I’ll make an exception for you.”   

 

Perimedes grinned.  

 

“But if I catch you again, you won’t be so lucky,” Poseidon said, narrowing his eyes. “Do you understand?”  

 

“Sir yes sir!” Perimedes saluted. Poseidon wrinkled his nose before sinking into the ocean, the wave sinking with him.   

 

Was it seriously that easy to convince a god not to kill him? Damn, maybe he should’ve been the real captain. A whole lot less people would’ve have died with him as the King.  

 

He continued his way toward the glorious island of Ithaca, and a sudden idea popped into his mind.  

 

... Odysseus was dead. Odysseus, the King of Ithaca, was dead. The throne was empty.  

 

Unless Penelope had given up and chosen a new husband, the title of King was up for grabs.  

 

Not only could he have fame, but he could also have everything he asked for on a silver platter. It was better than Calypso’s Island.  

 

Notes:

eh this chapter was shorter than I wanted it to be.
Sorry for a late update, I was kind of stalling until the Ithaca Saga came out so I actually knew what I was going to do for the next few chapters in more detail.
No, this won't be the last time we see Poseidon, by the way.

Chapter 6: Chapter 5: The Challenge

Summary:

Perimedes competes in the challenge

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

Perimedes leaped out of his shitty raft-boat, finally reaching land. He embraced it with open arms, scooping the sand up into his hands with more joy than he had felt in a while.  

 

“Ithaca, my beautiful, beautiful homeland!” he cried out, throwing the sand into the air. “How I’ve missed you!”  

 

“Uhhh.”  

 

Perimedes looked up at a young man beside a much more stable boat than his own, an oar in one of his hands.  

 

“Are you okay?” the man asked awkwardly, putting an oar down. “You... don’t look like anyone I’ve seen before.”  

 

“I’m amazing!” Peri exclaimed, throwing his arms around the man, embracing him in a hug. The man stiffened in his arms, visibly uncomfortable. “Do you know how long it’s been since I’ve been here? 20 years! 20 freaking years!”  

 

He let go of the man, spinning around with joy.   

 

The man was still frozen in place, realisation slowly dawning on his face.  

 

“You’re... you were in the war.”  

 

Perimedes looked back at him, grinning. “Sure was.”  

 

“We... we thought you were all dead.”  

 

“The rest of them are,” Peri shrugged. “I’m still alive though.”  

 

“You’re the last soldier?”  

 

Perimedes nodded. “Yep.”  

 

The man stared at him. Perimedes stared back.  

 

“This is... this is insane,” the man muttered, beginning to pace back and forth. “The Queen, Penelope- we must inform her. If the Old King really is dead, then she must know.”  

 

“She... hasn’t married anyone new yet?” Perimedes asked, eyes widening.  

 

“No, she hasn’t,” the man said. “Although... she was going to make an announcement today on the matter.”  

 

“No time to lose, then!” Peri cried out, grabbing the man by the wrist on instinct and pulling him along. The man, surprisingly, didn’t struggle, instead following him close behind as they drew closer and closer to the palace.  

 

He was going to be king. And, once he became king, he’d be praised, and loved, and worshipped, and have even more food than he ever had on Calypso’s island! He’d have servants! Servants! It was the least he deserved after everything he’d done in the war.  

 


 

“Damn. That’s a lotta men,” Peri stated, letting the man go finally. The man rubbed his wrist, furrowing his eyebrows. They stood in the palace’s courtyard. They would’ve entered the palace itself (Perimedes, of course, would’ve gotten a free pass. He was a very important person in Ithaca by this point, after all)  

 

“Can I go now? I have to get back to work,” he said.  

 

Peri glanced back at him. “Oh, yeah, sure, whatever,” he waved him off, turning his attention to the crowd of at least a hundred men. He was easily older than all of them, though that was a given. With 600 of Ithaca’s men joining Odysseus in the Trojan War, it would have left only the children, teenage, and elder men.  

 

They smelled, too. Peri had grown familiar with the stench of sweaty men – yet somehow these guys managed to outdo even that .  

 

There was a river of them, loud and aggressive and naive and idiotic. They wrestled each other, tackled each other, insulted each other. There was nothing but pure chaos.   

 

“Hmm,” Perimedes thought aloud, pressing a finger to his chin. “Well, since they’re all here...”  

 

He pushed his way through, struggling his way while avoiding any elbows to the face, making a beeline for the staircase that led to the main palace doors.   

 

Just as he reached it, the doors opened. He yelped, jumping back in surprise and only just stopping himself from drowning in the crowd of men. By the gods, he needed a shower after this.  

 

His eyes widened when he caught sight of the Queen, standing there in all her glory.  

 

He opened his mouth to speak to her, less than a metre away, when he was pushed back by a hand to the face.  

 

“Penelope!” the man who had pushed him out of the way exclaimed. “My love, my queen!”  

 

Penelope cringed, taking a step back. Oh, it all made a lot more sense now. These men were suitors – nasty ones at that. They were clearly only here for power.  

 

He paused. Okay, then again, he was kind of here for the same reason. At least he was respectful about it, though.  

 

“Quiet down!”  

 

In a moment, everyone went silent.   

 

“I have an announcement to make,” Penelope said, bowing her head. Perimedes’ gaze shifted down to a bow in her hand. His eyes widened. He recognised that bow.  

 

“Whoever can string my husbands old bow and shoot through twelves axes cleanly,” she took a trembling breath. “He will be the new king, sit down at the throne, and rule with me as his queen.”  

 

Perimedes’ eyes widened as all the men around him began to cheer.  

 

That was one of Ody’s classic party tricks. He used to show it off all the time, just for the sake of it. No one else had ever managed to do it.  

 

Meaning... Perimedes looked around at the men around him, cheering and laughing. A grin spread across his face. Oh, this was going to be great.  

 

Penelope lowered the bow, beginning to turn around to leave.   

 

“Penelope!” he called out, but his voice was drowned out by the rest of the suitors calling her name as well. Frustrated, he forced his way out of the crowd, scrambling up the steps and managing to squeeze through the doors just before they closed.  

 

He could hear angry shouting from outside the doors, but he ignored them, chasing after the queen.  

 

“Penelope! Penelope!” he cried out, stumbling over his own feet.  

 

Penelope stiffened, turning around.   

 

“What do you want-” she began. As soon as she met his eyes, she froze. A trembling hand came to cover her mouth as she stepped back, eyes wide and shocked.  

 

Peri grinned. “Yeah, it’s... been a while.”  

 

“You’re alive,” she gasped. “How... where is my husband? Where are the rest of them?”  

 

Ah. Crap. He didn’t think this far ahead.  

 

He sighed. “I’m sorry. They’re... gone.”  

 

Tears welled up in the queen’s eyes. “He’s... he’s really dead?”  

 

“It’s just me left,” Peri said, rubbing the back of his neck guiltily. “We angered Zeus, and-” he left it there, not wanting to go into detail. If Penelope found out that he was the reason none of the crew was left... yeah, any chances of becoming king were out the window for sure.  

 

“Oh gods,” Penelope whispered, choking on a sob.   

 

“Yeah. They played a pretty big part in it,” Perimedes said.   

 

Penelope sucked in a breath, wiping her tears away. “I’m sorry,” she said, swallowing.  

 

Perimedes frowned. “Uh... why?”  

 

“That would’ve been horrible,” she took his hand. “You lost... everyone. I’ve been without my husband for 20 years. I had already lost most of my hope. I know how to live without him. And yet you... you lost the people you spent most of your life with. Your loss is so much worse than the few I suffered.”  

 

He paused, processing her words.   

 

“Uh, yeah,” he agreed after a moment. “I mean... it was sort of a progressive loss, y’know? A few got smashed and probably eaten by a cyclops – not in the horny way – and then Poseidon came along and killed just about everyone, like, only 43 of us were left. And then we got turned into pigs briefly before getting turned back, and then-” he paused, stammering over Elpenor’s death, wincing at the memory. “uh- then 6 of us got eaten alive by a 6 headed monster, and then... then Zeus killed the rest of them... so... I guess it did kinda suck.”  

 

Penelope let go of his hand, sighing. “Well... I suppose I can only keep stalling. If... If my husband really is...” she trailed off, letting the silence finish her sentence. “Then I’ll need to choose a suitor sooner or later. I can try to stall until Telemachus is strong enough to become King, but... I’m scared that they’ll hurt him. They’re getting impatient. They’ve threatened to kill him.”  

 

“Damn, they sound like a bunch of assholes,” Perimedes said. He bit his lip, glancing around. “You know... it would be really helpful if there was someone out there that wasn’t one of those suitors, you know? Maybe someone that knows Ody pretty well?” And then, he’d become King, and he’d be rich and have not a single worry in the world...  

 

Penelope turned away. “I know what you’re offering, Perimedes,” she said. “And I’m sorry, but the only way I’d be able to allow that is if you won the challenge. I’ve already announced it.”  

 

“Easy!” he declared.  

 

“It’s impossible,” Penelope deadpanned.  

 

“Eh, a decade ago I thought it was impossible to be turned into a pig. And then I got turned into a pig.”  

 

“If... you say so,” Penelope said, crossing her arms. “Good luck, I suppose.”  

 

“Luck? Pffft, I don’t need it,” he waved her off, turning around and strolling away to the exit.   

He didn’t need Luck. Not like Ody needed it. He was going pretty well in life (if you ignored the trauma) up until his luck ran out.  

 

He hummed as he went, a skip in his step.  

 


 

It had been a few hours now, and none of the suitors had done as much as succeed in stringing the bow.   

 

One thing Perimedes had learnt was that there was nothing funnier than watching 108 suitors trying and failing to string a bow.   

 

There was this one suitor that clearly thought of himself as the leader. He was a total jerk. He was making some sort of speech about his plan and what he was going to do. It was honestly really off putting. He was obsessed with Penelope, but not even in a romantic way. In a sick, perverted way.   

 

“And then, Penelope will be mine!” Antinous cried out, finishing his speech. Everyone cheered, raising their cups of wine.  

 

“She is too old for you. Chill out,” Peri scoffed, crossing his arms.  

 

Antinous slowly turned his head, a sharp gleam in his eyes like a predator.  

 

“And... who might you be?” Antinous asked, approaching him. He was about the same height as Perimedes himself. He wasn’t nearly as intimidating as he clearly wanted to be.  

 

“Perimedes,” he said proudly, holding out his hand. Antinous’ gaze flicked down to his hand, and he laughed, turning away.  

 

“Alright, Perimeter,” Antinous said. “You think that you’re better than us?”  

 

“Yeah.”  

 

One of the suitors choked on his own spit. A few others gasped. Antinous’ eye twitched, and he grinned.  

 

“Is that so?” he then said.   

 

“Yeah.”  

 

“Do you say anything but ‘yeah’?” Antinous was beginning to get annoyed, now.  

 

Perimedes smirked, leaning in. “Yeah,” he spat, flicking spit on the suitor’s face.  

 

Antinous’ grin turned into a scowl. “You-”  

 

“I give up,” Melanthius, as he was called, huffed, shoving the bow into Antinous’ hands.  

 

“You’re all idiots!” Antinous cried out, taking the bow proudly. “Let me show you how it’s done.”  

 

“Antinous! Antinous! Antinous!” the men chanted, pumping their fists in the air. Peri raised an eyebrow at that.   

 

“Watch and learn, boys,” Antinous said, a dangerous smirk crossing his face. “Penelope will be mine, all mine...”  

 

Heh, he vaguely reminded Peri of Calypso.   

 

Antinous struggled and tried and struggled again for an entire 10 seconds before the threw the bow across the room. It landed just in front of Peri’s feet.  

 

“Screw this competition!” he yelled, throwing a chair and hitting one of the men square in the head. The guy fell to the floor, unconscious. Damn. This guy had some serious anger issues. “We’ve been here for hours! None of us can string this, we don’t have the power! Screw this damn challenge. No more delays... can’t you guys see we’re being played?”  

 

Peri was vaguely listening. He picked up the bow, inspecting it curiously. He’d watch Ody do it plenty of times. Surely he could do it, too?  

 

“This is how they hold us down while the throne gets colder,” Antinous continued, stepping up onto the table, A few suitors cheered him on, others even joining him in his weird speech. “Hold us down while we slowly age. Hold us down while the boy gets bolder, where in the hell is our pride and our rage?”  

 

More and more suitors began to focus on Antinous rather than Peri, who now held the bow. It was pretty damn hard to string, he had to admit.  

 

“Here and now there’s a chance for action. Here and now, we can take control! Here and now, but it down to ashes, channel the fire inside of your-”  

 

“Hey!” Perimedes suddenly exclaimed, waving the now-stringed bow in the air proudly. “I did it!”  

 

All heads turned in his direction. Everyone stared at him, shocked.   

 

Antinous, who had his hand in the air, was completely still. He didn’t blink and barely breathed. He was just as surprised as everyone else.  

 

“Well... then...” one of the suitors began, twiddling his fingers. “Shoot through the axes... I guess.”  

 

Everyone slowly moved out of his way, clearing a path for him to get to the row of twelve axes.  

 

Fuck, Peri suddenly realised.  

 

He forgot how to shoot a fucking bow.  

 

Don’t judge him, okay? He was always more of a swords guy. He had used a bow in the past, of course, but... not too often. Usually, Ody would refresh everyone on these things before they needed to officially shoot stuff. Peri hadn’t had a refresher in about a decade, so...  

 

All eyes were on him. He didn’t really care about that part. He was mostly focused on becoming king.  

 

He sucked in a breath, drawing the bow. The arrow fell out. A few suitors laughed.  

 

He picked the arrow back up and drew the bow once more, fingers slipping at the last moment and-  

 

The arrow shot through all twelve axes in a second. It hit the wall and was stuck there.  

 

“Hey!” Peri exclaimed cheerfully. “I did it again!”  

 

The room stayed silent in shock.  

 

“NO!” Antinous yelled, marching right over and grabbing the arrow to pull it out. It wouldn’t budge, though. “No, no no no! GODS DAMMIT!”  

 

“Sorry buddy,” Perimedes shot him a shit-eating grin.  

 

Antinous glared at him, baring his teeth like an angry dog. “I’ll kill you!” he growled, clenching his fists and storming toward him. He swung a fist, less than an inch away from hitting his face when he was held back by the other suitors.  

 

“Now, now, is that any way to treat your new king?” Perimedes tilted his head, a sly smirk on his face.   

 

Antinous looked like he was about to explode.   

 

“Antinous,” Melanthius warned him. “We can’t do anything. Not now.”  

 

Antinous glanced at the suitor, taking in a deep breath. “Fine,” he said, and he was slowly released. “I’m leaving.”  

 

Perimedes watched him the whole way out, a new sense of power overcoming him.  

 

He won it. Somehow, miraculously, he won the impossible challenge.  

 

Notes:

okay, okay, I should have maybe some more frequent updates on this. Guess what! Teleportation is in the next chapter!! Stay tuned to see what shenanigans Perimeter gets himself into next time

Chapter 7: Chapter 6

Summary:

Peri is an idiot and an asshole.
Telemachus just wants to know what happened to his dad.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

Penelope stared at him.  

 

Perimedes stared back, but his face was considerably more enthusiastic. Penelope was more shocked than anything.  

 

“You did not.”  

 

“I did,” Perimedes said, his hands on his hips as his heart swelled up with egotistical pride.  

 

“I told you. The challenge was literally impossible for anyone but Odysseus.”  

 

“Apparently not,” Peri shrugged.  

 

Penelope glanced back at the arrow in the wall. No one had managed to get it out. It was firmly stuck.  

 

“It was physically impossible,” Penelope said again.   

 

“Yeah, you said that,” Peri nodded. “But... you know. Pigs.”  

 

She blinked at him. “Right,” she spoke, slowly nodding her head. “Sure.” She let out a long, tired sigh. “So... that means that we’ll have to get married.”  

 

“And I become king!” He threw his arms into the air, jumping up and down excitedly.  

 

“I... suppose I will begin to organise the marriage, then,” Penelope said regretfully.  

 

“Trust me, I am like, ten times better than the rest of those losers,” Perimedes told her. “They just married you for sex.”  

 

Penelope narrowed her eyes. “And you didn’t?”  

 

Perimedes grimaced. “Ew! No.” he shuddered. “I want to be king.”  

 

Penelope raised an eyebrow. “That is... so much better,” she said sarcastically.  

 

Peri’s face fell. “What? Uh, no, did I say king? Pffft, I meant that I wanted to make sure that the queen of Ithaca is safe from those naughty suitors.”  

 

Penelope rolled her eyes. “Of course you did.”  

 

“So... when’s the wedding then?”  

 


 

Even after he won the challenge, those damn suitors were still crawling around the castle like insects. Many seemed to suddenly be scared of him. Others scowled at him and called him names behind his back. Some, surprisingly, seemed to look up to him.  

 

“What happened in the ten years after the war?” one of them asked, eyes wide. “There’s rumours going around, but- but you were there!”  

 

Perimedes smiled pitifully. “Oh, it’s a great and tragic story,” he said, bringing a hand to his forehead dramatically. One that I am the hero of, of course. You see, I lead a group of our men into this cave, searching for food for the 600 starving men back on the ships, when suddenly, we were attacked by a great, vicious monster – a cyclops!” He waved his arms around, impersonating the beast. “Then I singlehandedly stabbed it in the eye, blinding it- we were forced to run away and flee the island...”  

 

He continued to tell the tragic and horrifying tales of his journey, twisting them enough to make him the hero each time. He left Odysseus and Eurylochus out of the story, but he had enough care to make Elpenor a hero.  

 

At the end, everyone cheered, praising him. Only the younger suitors were impressed, though. Others glared at him from the corners, scowling and shaking their heads.  

 

“Well, I must head to sleep now. A hero needs his rest, after all...”  

 

A few of them nodded, and others replied with disappointed aww's  

 

With that, Peri began to stroll out of the dining hall, striding his way through Ithaca’s many halls.  

 

“Hey! Wait up!”  

 

Perimedes rolled his eyes, speeding up. Foolish suitors, always trying to get his attention.   

 

“Perimedes!” his name was yelled again.  

 

Peri huffed, turning on his heel and looking the man in the face. “What is it?”  

 

“I’m Telemachus,” the man said, huffing and puffing from running. “I just had a few questions.”  

 

“Listen, Telemarket-”  

 

“Telemachus.”  

 

“That’s what I said,” Perimedes brushed him off. “Listen, I’m a very busy guy, mkay? I’ve got better things to do than chat with random kids off the street.”  

 

“Please, I just- I want to know what happened to my dad,” the kid said, clasping his hands together and looking at him with twinkling, desperate eyes like a little baby wolf pup.  

 

Perimedes blinked slowly.   

 

“Who?”  

 

“Odysseus.”  

 

Another blink.  

 

“That loser? Seriously?”  

 

“Loser?” Telemachus frowned. “Why? What’s so bad about him?”  

 

Perimedes cringed. “I can name a few. For one, he would never shut up about his wife and so-” he stopped, staring at the kid. “Wait, you said he was your dad?”  

 

“Yeah,” Telemachus confirmed with a curt nod.  

 

Perimedes looked the scrawny kid up and down. “Damn. You’re taller than your dad. Good for you.”  

 

Telemachus paused, looking up as if he could see the top of his own head. “Really? My mom always says I’m about as tall as him.”  

 

“Ehhh, you’re not that much taller, I guess,” Peri shrugged.  

 

“Apparently you’re the one that she’s going to marry,” Telemachus said, narrowing his eyes at him.  

 

“Yep! I’m gonna be the new king!” Peri put a hand on his chest as if he were about to say the pledge of allegiance... not that it existed yet.  

 

“Oh, okay,” Telemachus said. He was still for a moment, before he suddenly grabbed Perimedes by the front of his shirt, pulling him in before promptly throwing him onto the floor with a painful thud. He pointed a sharp spear (where the hell had he got that from?) at Peri’s neck, glaring down at him. “Listen, I’m going to say this in the nicest way I can. If you do anything, and I mean anything, to hurt my mom in any way? I’ll kill you.”  

 

Peri paled. “Woah, what happened to us being buddies-”  

 

“Do I make myself clear?” Telemachus asked, the point of the spear gently pressing against his neck.   

 

Peri nodded vigorously. “Yes! Yep, you make yourself super clear.”  

 

“Good.” Telemachus threw his spear aside carelessly, offering Perimedes a hand with a warm smile.  

 

Peri took it, standing on trembling legs.   

 

“Sorry if I scared you,” Telemachus said. “The other men out there... they just want to use my mom. They’ve been getting worse. I don’t want to take any chances.”  

 

“Yeah, well...” Peri brushed himself off. “I think I’m a pretty good guy.”  

 

“Yeah, that’s what we’re hoping,” Telemachus said, continuing to walk with him through the halls. He paused, turning back and scrambling for his spear before catching back up to Peri.  

 

We’re ?” Peri repeated, frowning.  

 

Telemachus’ face dropped. “Uhh... I meant I’m . That’s what I’m hoping.”  

 

“...Right,” Peri said. “So, Telemetrics, where’d you learn how to fight?”  

 

Telemachus looked up, laughing nervously. “Well... I... self-taught?”  

 

“You were self-taught?”  

 

“Yeah. Yep. Self-taught,” Telemachus grinned, but it was forced. He was clearly hiding something.   

 

Eh, whatever.  

 

“Wow. You’re just as weird as your dad,” Peri told him, patting him on the head like a dog.  

 

“...Thanks?” Telemachus furrowed his eyebrows, unsure of how to take that.  

 

“No problem.”  

 

He quickened his pace slightly.  

 

“Hey! I know it’s getting late, but... can I show you something?”  

 

Perimedes glanced back at the kid.   

 

“Show me what?”  

 

“You might’ve seen it before,” Telemachus said, gesturing for him to follow. “It’s easier to show you than to explain it.”  

 

Peri frowned, but followed him nonetheless.   

 


 

Telemachus took Perimedes to one of the roofs.   

 

The stars were sparkling and twinkling as if they were plotting a tricky scheme. They winked down on them, and the moon gleamed brightly.   

 

“I come up here all the time,” Telemachus said. “Mom doesn’t know. She said it’s too dangerous, and that I might fall.”  

 

“You know what else is dangerous?”  

 

“What?”  

 

“Most things.”  

 

Telemachus looked at him like he was a madman.  

 

“Especially bows,” Peri continued. “You know what’s funny? I completely forgot how to shoot a bow! And I still won the challenge. Isn’t that insane?”  

 

Telemachus stared into space, nodding slowly.  

 

“Oh! Here’s a theory; what if I’m the main character in some sort of fanfiction, right? And, being the main character, I get crazy plot armour!”  

 

Telemachus blinked, looking at him. “Plot armour...?”  

 

“You wouldn’t get it,” he shrugged. “The point is, I completely forgot how to use a bow and still somehow did it!”  

 

Telemachus visibly paled. “Haha... really now?”  

 

“Yeah, you should’ve seen that shot, kid!” Peri said proudly. “Everyone was shocked! Everyone. Impossible challenge, my ass. I’ve got crazy luck.”  

 

“Yep,” Telemachus nodded, looking at him with a strained smile. “Luck. That’s definitely it.”  

 

Perimedes narrowed his eyes, studying the young man closely.  

 

Telemachus smiled nervously back.  

 

“You know, a good friend of mine fell off a roof,” Peri said, moving on without another thought.  

 

Telemachus’ eyebrows raised to the top of his head. “Oh, shit. Are they okay?”  

 

“He broke his neck and died.”  

 

“Oh,” Telemachus looked away. “Sorry for your loss. Were... you two close?”  

 

Peri shrugged. “Yeah. I guess we were. Life sucked 10x more after he died, you know?” He looked down, down, down. A fall from this height would definitely be fateful. His gaze shifted upward, at the stars in the sky. “He was probably the only guy that made everything in the war tolerable. Man, he would’ve loved this view. He used to love stargazing. I’m pretty sure his drunk ass had been trying to look at the stars when he fell off that roof.”  

 

Telemachus shifted awkwardly. “Sorry if I brought back bad memories.”  

 

“Nah, it’s fine,” Perimedes waved him off. “I used to always say that if I were forced to make out with anyone, it would be him. We actually did, one time.”  

 

Telemachus slowly turned his head to look at him, jaw dropped.  

 

“What?” Peri asked, oblivious. “You wouldn’t make out with your buddies?”  

 

“No!” Telemachus cried out, his voice echoing. He covered his mouth, surprised by his own volume. “That’s insane.”  

 

“That’s what everyone else said,” Perimedes said. “For some reason, it’s considered ‘hella gay’ or whatever to kiss your best friend. But, hey, I’m not backing out of truth or dare.”  

 

“You got dared to make out with your best friend?” Telemachus raised an eyebrow. “That’s a bit different, I gue-”  

 

“Nah, it was truth,” Perimedes shrugged.  

 

“You- you made out with your best friend after choosing truth?”  

 

“Yeah, what about it?”   

 

Telemachus stared at him. Peri stared back.  

 

“You know what? Never mind,” Telemachus decided.  

 

“Do you have any friends?”  

 

“Nah, not really,” Telemachus said. “The suitors bully me and any common folk are too scared to talk to me, ‘cause I’m a prince. I do have one friend, though. She’s really cool.”  

 

“Oooo, do tell.”  

 

“I’ll probably introduce you to her another time,” Telemachus said, looking away quickly. “She’s, uh, not big on meeting many mortals - I mean people! People outside of my family.”  

 

“Oh, okay,” Peri said, leaving it at that. Telemachus was a weird guy, he’d admit. He said a lot of weird things and then would immediately cover it up.  

 

He was definitely lying or hiding something, but who was he to pry? He himself hadn’t told anyone about the truth about Odysseus.  

 

“You... you never told me what happened to my dad.”  

 

Oh gods. This kid was a mind reader, wasn’t he? That was his secret! He was just like that blind prophet guy.  

 

Although... mind readers and prophets are significantly different things. And it wasn’t as if Telemachus was blind.  

 

So... maybe he wasn’t just like that blind prophet guy. Just... similar vibes.   

 

“Ah, well, you see...” Perimedes began, racking his brain for a decent answer. “The whole thing... it was a very traumatic event. Maybe in time, I’ll be able to tell you about it...”  

 

“Oh... sorry for prying,” Telemachus sighed, leaning back and gazing at the sky. “I just... I never really got to meet him, you know? There’s so many things that I can’t help but wonder about him. What’s his favourite food? What does he look like – what does he actually look like, not as statues or paintings. Does he ever tell dad jokes?”  

 

“All the time,” Peri said. “He never stopped telling jokes, even in the worst possible moments for it. You wanna know what he said to a cyclops one time?”  

 

Telemachus opened his mouth to speak, but Peri continued before any sounds left his mouth.   

 

“He said, and I quote, ‘I’m so glad we see eye to eye. ’”  

 

Telemachus laughed, chest heaving with the movement. “He sounds great.”  

 

“Eh. He was mediocre at best,” Peri shrugged. “It didn’t really work out for him, either. The cyclops tried to kill him and us in the end. And then Odysseus doxed himself, and, well, it turns out that the cyclops was Poseidon’s son!” he threw his hands into the air. “You can probably work out what happened from there.”  

 

“You’d know a lot about fighting, then,” Telemachus said thoughtfully. “I mean, you were in an actual war, right? You’d know all about fighting monsters, sailing... stuff my dad never got to teach me.”  

 

“Yeah, I definitely would,” Peri nodded. “It’s not that big of a deal... I’m just naturally that good.”  

 

“Can you teach me, then?”  

 

Perimedes froze. “Uh... what?"  

 

“I want to learn how to sail! I want to learn how to fight. Can you teach me?”  

 

Peri coughed into his hand awkwardly, avoiding Telemachus’ eye.   

 

“I dunno Telegram...”  

 

“That’s not my name.”  

 

“Fighting and combat is risky stuff, you know? It’s something for the strong, not for weak teenagers.”  

 

“I’m 20.”  

 

“Oh, damn. I thought you were still, like, 12.”  

 

Telemachus wrinkled his nose. “Everyone seems to think that I’m a lot younger. It’s really annoying.”  

 

“You’re just not as old and wise as me,” Perimedes told him matter-of-factly.  

 

“Teach me or I’ll tell my mom that you tried to hurt me.” Telemachus turned serious in an instant, face darkening. “And trust me, you do not want to see that woman when she’s angry.”  

 

Perimedes stared at him, eyes widening in terror. “Noted,” he said curtly. “In that case, I’ll meet you in the courtyard at dawn tomorrow. I’ll teach you how to fight like a true soldier.”  

 

Telemachus’ eyes lit up in an instant.  

 


 

“Okay, first lesson; don’t be an idiot.”  

 

Telemachus raised an eyebrow.  

 

“Don’t question me, even if you’re doing it silently,” Perimedes waved him off. “You there!” He pointed at a suitor. Eurymachus, he believed the guy was called. He was chatting away with Antinous and Melanthius.  

 

“Yes?” Eurymachus asked, smiling nervously.  

 

“Get me one of those sticks.”  

 

“What?" Eurymachus glanced around.  

 

“The spear, dimwit,” Peri scoffed.  

 

Eurymachus nodded, taking a spear and handing it to Peri without another word.  

   

He went back to Antinous and Melanthius. Antinous glared at Perimedes, muttering something to Melanthius before walking off, arms crossed. Eurymachus followed closely, but Melanthius stayed back, observing quietly.  

 

“So. Back to not being an idiot,” Perimedes said. Telemachus held his own double-ended spear in his hand, carefully awaiting an order. “Contrary to popular belief, being an idiot and acting like an idiot are two very different things. To act like an idiot, you have to act the way an idiot does.”  

 

“That’s... pretty much what I’d expect, yeah,” Telemachus said blandly. He glanced over to one of the open windows. Peri looked over. An owl was perched curiously there, watching.  

 

“Pay attention!” Peri cried out, making Telemachus jump.   

 

“Okay!” Telemachus replied, stiffening.   

 

“Alright Telegony, am I an idiot?”  

 

“It’s Telemachus,” he grumbled, but didn’t bother much further than that. He thought about the question for a long, stretched out moment. “I don’t really know...”  

 

“The answer is no, dipshit,” Perimedes deadpanned, bonking him on the head with his spear. “I am not an idiot. I am just really good at acting like one.”  

 

“You’re an asshole, though,” Telemachus told him broadly.  

 

“I’m not gonna argue against that,” Peri shrugged. “Don’t confuse idiots and assholes; assholes know how to be assholes. Idiots are too idiotic to know anything.”  

 

“Your teaching methods are very weird,” Telemachus said.  

 

“Okay,” Perimedes said. “Anyways, here’s a question; if someone insulted you during a fight or argument, what do you do?”  

 

Telemachus furrowed his eyebrows. “I don’t know.”  

 

Peri thought for a moment. He looked over to Melanthius and waved the guy over.  

 

Melanthius, frowning, strolled over. “What do you want?”  

 

“Insult him,” Perimedes said curtly. “Say whatever the hell you like.”  

 

Melanthius looked Telemachus up and down, pursing his lips. Without another moment of hesitation, he opened his mouth. “You’re a pathetic, weak little ### ####### ### ##### ### ####### ###### # ########.”  

 

Both men stared at the suitor, jaws dropped.  

 

“Oh, and your mother is stupid.”  

 

In an instant, Telemachus’ face turned red with anger. He clenched his fists tight, taking a step back as he began to raise his fist to punch the man. “Shut u-”  

 

Perimedes whacked him in the back of the head, cutting him off. “Idiot.”  

 

Telemachus glared at him, glancing back and forth between Melanthius and Peri. “What the hell was that for?”  

 

“For being an idiot,” Peri said simply. “Although... that was very uncalled for.” He paused before promptly whacking Melanthius on the head.  

 

If looks could kill, Perimedes would be dead. Then again, he has plot armour, so he’d more likely be in a bit of pain at most.  

 

“How was I being an idiot?” Telemachus asked.  

 

“He said a bunch of stuff to get under your skin, and you let him get under your skin,” Peri said. “That’s being an idiot. You have to act like an idiot.”  

 

Telemachus raised an eyebrow.  

 

“Melanthius, insult me,” Peri ordered. “But like- don't call me a slur or something.”  

 

Melanthius had to think for a long minute.  

 

“You... suck.”  

 

“Not as much as you suck dick, loser,” Peri retorted.  

 

Melanthius’ eyes went wide as he spluttered over his words. “I- you- no I don’t!”  

 

“See? Now he’s so shocked he doesn’t know what the hell to do anymore,” Peri told Telemachus. “And that’s how you act like an idiot. To confuse yourself, you must confuse your enemy first.” He paused, frowning. “Wait, no. To confuse your enemy, you must confuse yourself first... or something like that.”  

 

“Right...” Telemachus nodded slowly.   

 

 

“Lesson 2: If your crewmate killed a cow and then Zeus came out of nowhere and mistook you for the King of Ithaca and gave you the choice of either you die and the rest of the crew lives or the crew dies and you live, what should you choose?”  

 

“That is... oddly specific.”  

 

“What should you choose, Telestrations?”  

 

“I’m not even gonna bother trying to correct you anymore,” Telemachus sighed. “I think... I’d choose to die. My life is one over the rest of them. I’d rather save people and lose my own life than take that away from the-”  

 

“WRONG!” Peri shouted, whacking him on the back of the head for the 600 th time that day. Telemachus rubbed his head tiredly. “You kill the rest!”  

 

“What?! Why?”  

 

“Because you’re just cool like that!” Peri said proudly. “Selfishness will never end up bad for you, trust me. In a world full of selfless people, be the selfish little jerk!”  

 

Telemachus looked extremely doubtful. “When I asked for you to teach me things, I didn’t exactly imagine this as part of the lesso-”  

 

“You’re not listening!” Peri cried out, cutting him off. “Listen here, buddy. Do you know what everyone else on that ship would do after they survive? They’d continue to rely on each other. In fact, they’d rely on each other so much, prioritising worrying about each other over themselves and inevitably dying off one by one. A selfish person, on the other hand, prioritises themself and their own needs and wants. Do you know what happens to selfish people, Television?”  

 

“They survive?”  

 

“They survive!” Peri exclaimed, slinging an arm over the younger man’s shoulder.  

 

“But it’s still a bunch of lives gone over mine, because of me,” Telemachus said. “Is my life really worth that much? One life against so many others?”  

 

Perimedes sighed. “Ugh, talking to you is like trying to reason with your dad before he gave up on life,” he groaned. “Do you want to die? Is that how you want to go out? ‘Oh, look at me! I’m so noble that I’ll trade my life for a bunch of idiots even though they’re the entire reason we’re in this mess!’ Oh please. Just let them die.”  

 

Telemachus frowned. “Let them die?” he repeated uncertainly.  

 

“Bingo! Look, if your idiot crew kill a sacred cow or two and make Zeus show up all holy and mighty ready to kill them but not your because he’s gone senile or something, that’s their problem. Their death is literally through divine judgement. What should you do? You should survive. End up on an island for 7 years where some chick serves you whatever the hell you want because she fell in love with you even though you don’t even care about her only to get kicked off said island by some mailman and then head back to your hometown where you accidentally win a challenge and become king!”  

 

“Once again, that is insanely specific, what the hell?” Telemachus shook his head and then paused. “Wait... is that what happened to you?”  

 

Perimedes laughed nervously. “Whaaaat? No. No! Of course... not. Hahaha...”  

 

“Right,” Telemachus nodded, narrowing his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something else but was cut off by his own mother’s voice calling out.  

 

“There you two are!” Penelope exclaimed, sighing. “I have been looking all over for you. Perimedes; I need to speak with you about the wedding.”  

 

“And me becoming king, I presume?”  

 

Penelope rolled her eyes. “Yes. And you becoming king.”  

 

“Well Teleportation, my soon-to-be stepson,” Peri began, turning to the young man. “It’s been fun, but I’ve got a wedding to help out with.”  

 

“Yeah, hopefully you’ll know my name by the time the wedding actually happens,” Telemachus huffed.  

 


 

“So... the wedding, then?”  

 

“Yes,” Penelope said patiently. “I’ve been organising it thoroughly. However, you will need to contribute to it as well.”  

 

Peri nodded along, listening quietly as they walked through the castle corridors together.  

 

“The wedding should be in two days. A feast is already in order to be made, and, as unhappy as I am about this, many of the suitors will be there.”  

 

“Well that just ruins the whole feast,” Peri grumbled unhappily. “Why are they even still here? They’re not really suitors anymore if you’re getting married. They’re more like losers.”  

 

“I’m simply letting them stay as guests for now,” Penelope sighed. “Since you were appointed as my soon-to-be husband, they’ve... settled, at least somewhat. I can’t kick them out until they do something bad.”  

 

“Aw man,” Peri kicked the floor, completely bummed over that news. “That sucks.”  

 

“One other thing I needed to talk to you about was your responsibilities as king,” Penelope added, smiling kindly to a servant as they walked past.  

 

Perimedes paused for a moment, taking in her words. “Responsibilities...? Like what?”  

 

“You’d certainly need to help train our armies,” Penelope began. “Since the war began, you can probably guess that we are lacking in that area. You’ll also have to help plan out festivals, attend meetings, make sure that the kingdom is happy and safe... that’s without mentioning the paperwork.”  

 

Perimedes laughed nervously, slowly coming to a stop in his tracks. “Aren’t there servants for that stuff though?”  

 

Penelope scoffed. “Servants are for small tasks like messages, food... not for royal duties.”  

 

All of a sudden, everything seemed to crumble beneath him.  

 

All his childhood fantasies where he was king, simply getting to lie back and do nothing for a lifetime, flattened by mountains of paperwork.  

 

He had no one to blame for this fate but himself.  

 

Crap, crap, crap, crap crap crap crap crap-  

 

What was he going to do? The wedding was already going to happen, meaning that the responsibilities were already going to start heading straight to him and he’ll never have a lazy day again!  

 

He was stuck in between screaming and crying and running in circles and commiting arson all at once.  

 

There was no way to get out of this. The only way he’d ever be able to get out of the curse of responsibilities would be if Odysseus took back the throne and Peri and Penelope’s marriage was called off.  

 

...Wait a minute...  

 

“HAHA!” Peri yelled out forcefully, making Penelope jump. “That’s- that’s funny! I just remembered something! Your husband- Odysseus, yeah? Yeah, I just remembered that he’s not actually dead!”  

 

Penelope stared at him as if he was going insane. He probably was, in all honesty.  

 

“Yeah! It’s a really funny story, actually. You see, we were both coming back together and stuff but for whatever reason I ended up here first, and he’s not here! How silly of me!” he began to slowly back away from both the situation and Penelope. “So, you know, I should probably head back to check on him! To- uh, make sure he catches up!”  

 

He sped up his speed as he fled the scene, leaving Penelope standing there, completely flabbergasted and confused and utterly concerned.  

 

“I WON’T TAKE TOO LONG!”  

 

Gods, Perimedes was so smart.  

 

Notes:

yooooo the longest chapter so far!!! you have no idea how much fun I had writing this. Writing Peri and Telemachus is so fun.
dude, this story gets wild after this, let me tell you that much.

yes, I have an entire list of alternate names for Telemachus.

 

also please do note that I am not a huge greek mythology nerd (not like my friend is) and also that I have little to no knowledge on ancient greek stuff, like marriages and being king and shit, so sorry if it's not too accurate.

 

ALSO!! A friend and I have been working on an original story where we pretty much improvise it, each writing one chapter at a time without knowing what the other will write in the chapter until the chapter is complete. It's in a post-apocalyptic world, so if you have any interest in that I suggest you check it out! It's a lot more serious than this fic, pfft.

Chapter 8: Full Speed Ahead - To the Underworld

Summary:

Perimedes, after realising he made a grave mistake in almost marrying Penelope, resorts to the only option to avoid responsibilities there is: Going to the Underworld.

Also, he is apparently not as skilled as he thought he was, thanks to some goddess.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

Perimedes was strolling with quick steps through the halls of Ithaca’s palace. He still didn’t know it very well, despite having stayed there multiple times over 20 years ago.

 

“Peri, can you please slow down?” Telemachus called, jogging to keep up with the man. “Where are you going?”

 

“To get your dad,” Perimedes replied, sharply turning into the temporary bedroom he had been given. The found his bag, and rummaged through it for anything useful.

 

Oh, cool. His sword. He had forgotten about that. He put it aside, digging through the bag.

 

He pulled out a wind bag. Intricate swirls marked it, and a dark robe securely kept it closed.

 

He had forgotten about that, too. He decided to keep it with him. Who knows, maybe it could come in useful. As like, a jetpack or something. That would be sick.

 

“I- you- wha- huh?!” Telemachus stammered.

 

“I’m gonna go get your dad and bring him back here,” Perimedes shrugged. “No biggie.”

 

“You said that he’s dead!” Telemachus exclaimed. “If he’s- if he’s really alive, then why would you lie?”

 

“He’s not.”

 

“Not what?”

 

“Alive.”

 

Telemachus stared at him.

 

“...What?”

 

Perimedes sighed, starting to get annoyed. “He’s dead, but not for long. I’m gonna bring him back from the dead.”

 

“Is that even possible?!”

 

“I dunno, maybe,” he paused, realising that he hadn’t actually thought about that before. “We’ll see.”

 

“I thought you were gonna be king, though?” Telemachus frowned. “You’re meant to be getting married to my mum tomorrow.”

 

“I changed my mind,” Perimedes stopped, flashes of responsibilities and sex appearing in his mind. “It is a horrible, horrible idea. That’s why I’m getting your dad.”

 

“Can I come?”

 

Perimedes laughed and didn’t reply. Telemachus huffed, crossing his arms. “How are you going to even get to the Underworld?”

 

“Eh, we did it before,” Perimedes shrugged. “It can’t be that hard to do completely alone.”

 

“I don’t think gods let people bring others back to life just for fun,” Telemachus said. “You’re gonna need to be really convincing.”

 

“Oh yeah, I’m gonna figure out a way to bring him back to life,” Perimedes said. “Maybe learn to play the lyre, if I need to. And I won’t look back.”

 

“That hasn’t happened yet,” Telemachus told him. “You can’t make that reference.”

 

Peri stopped. “Oh.”

 

“You don’t know much,” Telemachus observed.

 

“I know more than you,” Perimedes remarked.

 

“Do you know any gods?”

 

Perimedes looked up at him, raising an eyebrow. “No one nearby.”

 

“I do,” Telemachus said. “She... she might be willing to help if you ask nice enough. She likes me. If I say that it’s for my dad... she might agree to help.”

 

“Who is she?”

 

“Her name’s Athena.”

 

Perimedes’ jaw dropped.

 

“You know Athena?”

 

“Yeah, she visits sometimes,” Telemachus shrugged. “She helped me win a fight, actually.”

 

Perimedes looked down at his pathetic excuse for a boat, then back up at Telemachus.

 

“Do you think she’ll actually want to help?”

 

“I know she will,” Telemachus said, with much more confidence than a 20-year-old boy talking about being friends with a goddess should be. “I told you, she likes me. She makes a lot of exceptions for me. It might take a little convincing, but I’m sure she’ll want to help.”

 

Peri was still very doubtful. He rubbed the back of his neck, hesitant. “I dunno, Telecast,” he said. “I don’t exactly have the best history with gods...”

 

“She’s helped you before,” Telemachus said. “I mean, I know she’s not exactly your biggest fan – she actually finds you a bit annoying, but she doesn’t completely hate you.”

 

“That’s a bad lie,” Peri huffed. “I’d know if a goddess helped me at some point.”

 

“Well... remember how you completed the impossible challenge?”

 

“Getting home to Ithaca?”

 

“No, not that,” Telemachus began to brush him off, before he paused. “Well... she kinda helped with that, but that’s not the point. I’m talking about the axes and arrows.”

 

“Ohhh, yeah,” Peri grinned at the memory. “I aced that one.”

 

“Yeah, well... she specifically altered it so you’d win.”

 

Perimedes stared at him.

 

Telemachus stared back, dead serious.

 

“Seriously?” Peri asked. Telemachus nodded.

 

“So… so it wasn’t my impeccable natural skills?”

 

Telemachus shook his head.

 

Peri stood there, completely still for a few long moments.

 

“Wait here for a moment,” Peri told the kid, exiting the room and closing the door. All Telemachus heard was a muffled scream before Peri came back in as if nothing had happened.

 

“Alright. That’s fine, no big deal. I’m not upset about that at all.”

 

“...Right.” Telemachus smiled awkwardly. “So... I can call her, if you want?”

 

Peri sighed, slumping onto a chair. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”

 

Now, Peri expected Telemachus to pray to the goddess. Maybe sing a little hymn.

 

What he did not expect was for Telemachus to look up to the ceiling and yell her name at the top of his lungs.

 

“Alright,” Telemachus said with a grin, clearing his throat briefly. “She should be here in a moment.”

 

“You’re just like your father.”

 

Both men spun around in an instant, looking up at the tall goddess that stood, exasperated, half-leaning on the long spear in her hand.

 

“Athena!” he exclaimed, bringing up a hand to high-five her. She returned it easily, looking at Perimedes with narrowed eyes.

 

“’Sup,” Peri said, because what else was he supposed to say when meeting a goddess for the first time?

 

“Hi,” Athena replied awkwardly.

 

“Listen, it’s kinda a long but also really short story, but we need your help to bring my dad back to life,” Telemachus explained. Athena raised an eyebrow.

 

“…And why would I do that?” Athena asked, laughing nervously. “It’s not like I know the guy, hahaha.”

 

Telemachus stared at her, deadpan.

 

“Athena, you’re not slick. You literally stared at a painting of my dad as you talked about your past mistakes and stuff. I know he used to be your friend.”

 

Athena swore under her breath. “Fine. Yes. It was him.”

 

“Great! Now that we’ve got that over and done with, will you help us?”

 

Athena frowned at him. “Do you realise how impossible that would be?”

 

“Nothing is impossible,” Perimedes said matter-of-factly. “Not if your stubborn enough. And I’m stubborn as fuck.”

 

Athena furrowed her eyebrows, slowly turning back to Telemachus, who shrugged in response. “Right…” she shook her head. “Do you even have a vague plan for this, though? Hades isn’t one to be swayed. As much as I want Odysseus back – which I do, I almost lost my life trying to free him from the island only to find out that this idiot was on it the entire time,” she scoffed, and continued before Perimedes could be offended out loud by that. “Bringing someone from the dead has never been done before. You’d have to make the journey all the way to the underworld, meet with Hades and convince him, find Odysseus, and get home safely. Did I mention that Poseidon still has a grudge against him?”

 

“Eh, Poseidon’s chill,” Perimedes waved her off. “As for the other dude, I’ll just sing lalalalala and convince the big boss of the underworld in seconds.”

 

Athena pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. “Sure. Fine. Whatever. If you’re so stubborn on getting there then I’ll help you. But know that I am not getting in trouble with Hades.”

 

“Sir yes sir!” Perimedes saluted, before pausing. “Sorry. Ma’am yes ma’am!”

 

Athena rolled her eyes. “And what about the suitors? They’ve been plotting things, you know. Including murdering both of you.”

 

Perimedes and Telemachus exchanged looks.

 

“Well, one of us just has to stay back,” Peri said. “Besides, Penelope is Spartan! It’s the suitors we have to worry about.”

 

Athena sighed. “Okay, how about this; Telemachus, you stay here in the castle. I’ll travel with Perimedes to the Underworld. As soon as Odysseus is retrieved, I’ll return here until he and Perimedes return, and work to keep both you and Penelope safe,” She said, leaving no room for argument. “Telemachus, your job is to try and keep the rumours of Perimedes’ departure to a minimum, at least until I return. If you need, tell the suitors that he fell sick to excuse him from the wedding tomorrow. Do I make myself clear to both of you?”

 

“Yes,” they both said, like obedient little children being told by their mother to pretend they were 10 so their meals counted as free.

 

“Good,” Athena said sternly, straightening up. “In that case, we’ll leave now. Perimedes, come with me.”

 

Peri obeyed. Gods, he felt kinda pathetic.

 

Oh well. It was better than being married, sex, and responsibilities.

 

Notes:

...heyyy
it's been a while! my best hobby is procrastination <3
if any of you spotted any references to any other musicals in this one... yes you did, and you are an amazing, amazing person.
also ATHENA IS BACK!!
This chapter is pretty short. Dw, the next will be longer :)
The next chapter is gonna be so wild, it's one of my favourites that I have planned... next to the one after it >:D

Notes:

no clue what this is honestly
do what you will with this

thanks for reading!!