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“If he wants it back, he can come get it from me himself.”
Regulus’s brother shifted uncomfortably under the weight of Regulus’s gaze. It probably didn’t help that Sirius was standing in Regulus’s common room and there was an onslaught of Slytherins watching the encounter.
“...well you see, I don’t know if he really wants to see you at this current moment-”
“I don’t fucking care Sirius. If he wants it back, then he can come get it.”
“Right,” Sirius nodded, “Of course. I will…I will tell him that.”
Sirius hesitated as he turned to leave. “So…I’ll see you later? We could get dinner tomorrow, just us of course. We can sit at the Slytherin table.”
Regulus resisted the urge to roll his eyes at his brother’s anxiety, but refrained because he really didn’t want this breakup to cost him his brother.
“Yeah that’s fine. See you.”
As the door closed to the Slytherin common room, his friends naturally gravitated towards him with questions.
“What was that about?” Dorcas asked, jumping onto the table that Regulus was sitting at.
“That fucking coward sent Sirius to come get his hoodie.”
“What hoodie?”
“Oh you know the hoodie,” Evan cut in before Regulus could blow her off. “That one that Potter used to wear all the time and Reg stole.”
“And you still have it?” Dorcas asked.
“He sure does,” Barty said, “He sleeps in it still, every night .”
“Shut your fucking mouth Crouch,” Regulus snapped. “I do not sleep in it every night.”
It was a lie. He had slept in every night since they broke up. But Barty didn’t need to be telling anybody that.
“Pretty much,” Barty snapped back.
“Why do you still have it, Reg?” Dorcas asked, “It’s been like two months, hasn’t it?”
It had been 62 days, not that Regulus had been counting.
“Because he is still miserable about it,” Barty interrupted again, “He won’t admit it, but he misses Potter.”
Regulus stood up to leave, slamming his hand on the table.
“I miss those miserable Gryffindors too,” Dorcas admitted. “Especially Marlene. She was a riot to mess with.”
“Then by all means, go and hang out with them!” Regulus spat, “Nothing is stopping you from hanging out with them! I sure am not, and I doubt James is either!”
He stormed out of the common room, going to his dormitory to get away from those so called mates of his. They were acting like a bunch of pricks, however Regulus knew that they would also never hang out with the Gryffindors out of solidarity with him. They wouldn’t be half bad friends if they learned some manners.
When he reached his bed, Regulus instinctively grabbed the carton of cigarettes hidden in the back of his bedside drawer. He flicked his wand for a light, laying back on his pillow as he raised the cigarette to his lips. But at the first inhale, a memory of James smacked him upside the head.
“What are you doing out here, Reggie?”
Regulus groaned from where he was standing at the balcony railing. Fucking Potter was always inviting himself into places he didn’t belong. Slytherin parties. Library tables. Him and his brother’s relationship. Of course he would invade Regulus’s moment of peace and quiet as well.
“Fuck off Potter,” Regulus replied, breathing out smoke into the cold fall night. James didn’t listen as his red sleeved arms came to rest beside Regulus’s.
“I just want some fresh air, same as you.”
“Why don’t you jump off a tower for some fresh air?”
James chuckled. “Why would I do that when I have such delightful company right here?”
Regulus didn’t reply, pointedly not looking at him. James got some sort of satisfaction out of making Regulus pissed off beyond belief. Or maybe he didn’t, and Regulus was projecting his own anger at Sirius running away to James’s on the situation. Either way, Regulus would not face James Potter.
“You really shouldn’t smoke those.”
Regulus made a show of taking a slow inhale before breathing the smoke out towards James.
“And why would I care what you think?”
James shrugged. “Because they’ll kill you.”
“Maybe I am just trying to speed along the process.”
James laughed.
“You sound just like Sirius!”
The rash decision making trait, notorious in the Black family, came out as Regulus turned and put his cigarette out on James’s sleeve before throwing it on the ground. He walked away, not stopping to enjoy the look of shock on James’s face.
Regulus quickly put out the cigarette. He didn’t like that the taste reminded him of James. The fact that Regulus was no longer able to touch a cigarette without thinking of James was unbearably irritating, considering he had been trying to quit for James while they were dating.
Thoughts of his ex had become like a shadow in his life, constantly following Regulus and overcoming him when he least expected. Earlier that morning it had been when he took a bite of blueberry pancakes, and it reminded him of the morning after he had slept in the Gryffindor tower for the first time. Before that it was when he caught a glimpse of the giant squid, remembering when James had affectionately named it “Fido”. It was hard to do anything when everything reminded him of what he had lost.
That night Regulus tried to go to sleep. He really tried. But as one hour turned to two, he reluctantly pulled out the worn hoodie from where he had stashed it under his bed the night before. As the material fell on his shoulders, the smell of James’s cologne that permeated the seams wrapped around Regulus into a comforting presence.
“Regulus? Are you up here?”
Regulus quickly wiped away the tears from his eyes.
“What do you want, Potter?” he tried to say with conviction, cursing as his voice wobbled.
The dark haired boy appeared at the top of the stairs to the astronomy tower. Regulus turned his back to him before James could see his face.
“I came to see if you are alright,” James stated, taking a cautious step forwards, as if he was approaching a wild animal. “You seemed upset. Did Sirius say something?”
Sirius had said a lot of something. They both had.
Regulus really didn’t want James to see that Sirius’s words had hit that deeply.
“I’m fine.”
James stayed a safe distance away.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“No, I don’t want to talk about it,” Regulus snapped back.
“Okay.”
James did not leave.
“Why are you still here, James?” Regulus asked, rubbing his face in his hands.
“Because I care about you.”
“Just because I am Sirius’s brother, does not mean you have some obligation to care for me.”
“I don’t care for you because you are Sirius’s brother. I care for you because you are Regulus. Smart, snarky, beautiful Regulus.”
Regulus turned quickly to see the bespeckled boy standing with his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. The words Regulus was going to say died on his lips as he saw the earnest look on James’s face.
A tear slipped down Regulus’s cheek.
“Reg…can I hug you?” James asked.
James had followed him. No one had ever followed him before.
Regulus nodded and found himself engulfed in James. He inhaled sharply, breathing in the smell of his cologne, and then Regulus Black allowed himself to cry.
<><><><><><>
Regulus woke up, rubbing his eyes as he padded to the bathroom. He was greeted by Evan, with a pitiful look upon his face.
“Shut the fuck up Rosier.”
“I haven’t said anything-” Evan began, but Regulus slammed the door before he could finish the sentence.
He braced himself against the sink, staring into the mirror. He knew he was pathetic, and the mirror confirmed it with the worn red fabric pressed against his chest.
“Are you cold?” James asked, turning to face Regulus as they walked the path around the lake during that week’s James mandated walk around the lake.
“I’m fine,” Regulus said, but a well-timed breeze sent a shiver running down Regulus’s spine.
“You are cold,” James said, instantly unzipping his hoodie and starting to take it off.
“James, I do not need your hoodie-”
“Regulus, you are taking my hoodie.”
Regulus folded his arms, refusing as James tried to give it to him.
“Reggie,” James said, “Please take my hoodie. I won’t move from this spot until you do.”
Regulus groaned as he looked into those hazel eyes as big as saucers. “And you call me stubborn.”
James grinned in success as Regulus pulled it over his shoulders.
“Now you are cold,” Regulus stated as bumps arose on James’s bare arms.
“I’m braver than you.”
“You are not.”
“I literally am a part of the house that is known for bravery.”
“And idiots apparently.”
“Hey, I’m not the one who forgot to wear a hoodie.”
Regulus promptly took the hoodie off and threw it on the ground, walking away.
“Wait Reg,” James laughed, running after him. “What if we both wear it?”
Regulus stopped. “How the bloody hell is that supposed to work?”
“Watch and learn,” James said, pulling his arm into the sleeves. He then wrapped his arms around Regulus, pulling him so close that Regulus was pressed up against his chest.
“This is so stupid” Regulus complained while actively trying to suppress the smile tearing at his lips.
“Let me just try to zip this-oh. Shit.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. James held up a broken piece of metal.
“What was that about me being an idiot?” Regulus smirked. “You just broke your favorite hoodie.”
“Mmmmm, but I also have the most beautiful boy in school close enough that I can feel his heartbeat. So am I an idiot?”
<><><><><><>
Regulus’s brother was doing everything he could to avoid mentioning James’s name, as he had been doing since the breakup. It was both endearing and incredibly annoying.
Sirius had sat so that Regulus’s back would be to the Gryffindor table in an attempt to keep his younger brother from noticing when James entered. Sirius’s efforts were fruitless, however, as his body language betrayed as soon as the marauders entered the doors. Regulus didn’t want to look in that direction, but his restraint was never great when it came to James.
His ex seemed to be faring far better than Regulus was. It wasn’t surprising really; afterall James wasn’t the one with abandonment issues. If it wasn’t for Sirius’s occasional slip-up, he would have thought James had moved on based on the way he carried himself. The Gryffindors entered the Great Hall; loud and brazen and drawing the eyes of most of the occupants eating their meal. James's eyes didn’t even flicker to where the Black brothers were sitting.
“That looks good on you.”
The weight of James’s head rested on Regulus’s shoulder as he wrapped his arms around him from behind. It was nauseating how perfect they fit together, Regulus thought, as James’s hands slid down into the hoodie’s front pockets to join Regulus’s.
“I look good in everything.”
“I won’t argue with that statement. But I am going to need it back.”
Regulus gave a noise of annoyance, what quickly turned into a groan as James’s lips met his neck.
“It’s my only one,” James said, smiling against his skin. “But I promise you can borrow it anytime.”
Regulus hummed in agreement, closing his eyes and absorbing the feeling of being so close to someone. He could have stayed like that forever, if it wasn’t for the sudden intrusion of his brother.
“What the fuck?”
Regulus started at the sound of Sirius’s voice, but James held Regulus in place.
“It’s okay,” James whispered, his hands grasping onto Regulus’s knuckles.
“Reg, are you wearing James’s hoodie?” Sirius asked, as if that was what was more surprising to him than his best friend wrapped around his little brother.
“Obviously,” Regulus responded, keeping his voice even, despite how nervous he felt. “I wouldn’t own something so obnoxiously red.”
“You should wear more red,” James smirked, “It suits you.”
Regulus, now with more composure, pulled his hands out the pockets, bringing James’s with it. He turned to face James.
“Maybe you should add some more green to your wardrobe.”
“Maybe I will,” James winked.
“So…are you two…like a thing now?” Sirius interrupted.
“I told you I could land him,” James grinned. “Sirius thought all my efforts were destined to be fruitless.”
“I did not,” Regulus’s brother said, “I told you that Regulus was out of your league.”
Regulus couldn’t hide the surprise on his face.
“We agree on that,” James said, gazing at Regulus with adoration. Regulus felt the heat on his cheeks.
“You…you two talked about me?” Regulus sputtered.
“Not extensively,” Sirius replied, “Mostly the conversations consisted of Prongs pestering me for tips on how to get you to like him.”
“And you were…are…okay with that?”
Sirius shrugged. “I just want to see you happy Reg.”
“Reg-”
“I’m fine,” Regulus replied in reflex, snapping out of his thoughts.
“I know you say that…but I also know you well enough to see that you’re lying..”
Regulus sighed. “Siri, I’m sorry that you are in the middle of this. But it didn’t work out, and you can’t fix that.”
Sirius looked down at his plate of food. “I know. I just want to see you happy, Reg.” Regulus hated how this was tearing his brother up. It was stupid of Regulus to think dating James had ever been a good idea.
<><><><><><>
James had always had the habit of turning up where Regulus was, and just because they had broken up had not changed that fact.
Regulus read the same line in his History of Magic text for the fifth time as he tried not to be hyper aware of James sitting across the library next to a Ravenclaw boy. Although Regulus repeated over and over that it must be a project for a class, Regulus wasn’t known to be reasonable. His anxiety couldn’t help but supply him with thoughts of James moving on.
It had to be it. James was finally moving on. Regulus would almost be happy for him if it wasn’t at the expense of Regulus’s very reason for breathing. He hadn’t realized how numb he had been inside until someone had come along to love him. James was the only person that Regulus felt like he could let his guard down with. He was allowed to feel around James. And he always felt like he could be himself without James getting annoyed or wanting to leave. Apparently Regulus was wrong about that.
They were arguing for not the first time, and what surely wasn’t going to be the last. Regulus, afterall, had the temper of a Black.
James had asked Regulus to ditch Grimmauld Place for the holidays and stay with the Potters. Regulus had pointed out that would get him disowned. James told him to lie to his parents and say he was staying at Hogwarts.
Regulus was never good at expressing all of his thoughts into words, and he easily became irritated when James didn’t simply understand his point of view. It was getting to the part in most arguments where Regulus was done with the whole thing, and was ready to leave it until James was ready to see reason.
He pushed past his boyfriend, rolling his eyes as he did so. Regulus expected James to stand watching him leave, huffing and kicking the wall as he always did. But this time James shouted after him.
“Is this what it’s going to always be like for the rest of our lives? You always running away every time you get scared?”
Regulus felt his body go rigid. He turned around sharply. “I am not scared,” he snapped, “I’m leaving because I don’t want to be around you anymore.”
James stared at him with glassy eyes, and Regulus did, for a fleeting second, feel afraid. He had never seen James look at him like that.
“What’s going to happen if we live together?” James asked. “What will you do when there is no dungeon for you to hide in?”
Regulus couldn’t believe that James was claiming. He turned around without another word.
James always came to find him.
That time he didn’t.
Regulus waited, but he didn’t come. And the longer he didn’t come for Regulus, the more angry Regulus had become. So he ignored James right back.
They didn’t really officially break up. But after three weeks of avoiding each other, they seem to have come to an unspoken agreement. It had no finality. It was torture.
Regulus stared across the library at the dark curls and glasses that he had lost. He couldn’t figure out how James could go from talking about their future to not caring about Regulus so quickly. He didn’t know if he wanted to know the reason that James had not come after him that day.
Before he had time to react, James looked up and met Regulus’s gaze. Regulus should have looked away. He should have looked down, pretending it to be a split second awkward moment where they both happened to look up.
Regulus had always loved James’s eyes.
He thought to himself if James was moving on, Regulus would allow himself this last time to look into them, until James looked away.
And James did. After a look of confusion crossed his face, he looked back down at his book.
Regulus slammed his book shut as he felt the tears threatening his eyes.
<><><><><><>
<><><><><><>
“Reg. Reg wake up.”
“Fuck off Evan.”
“James is outside our door.”
Regulus’s eyes shot open, and he bolted upright into his bed.
“What?!?”
“I told him you were sleeping, and he said he’d wait into the corridor until you woke up.”
“What the hell?”
Regulus threw his legs over the side of the bed. He slid on his slippers, his heart beating loudly.
He opened the door, knowing what to expect but still taken by surprise to see him standing there. Hair messy, glasses askew, and a noticeably purple shirt on.
James.
Before Regulus could say anything, James’s eyes traveled to Regulus’s chest. “You still wear it.”
The hoodie. Right.
“That’s what you came for at six-thirty in the morning?” Regulus snarled. “To get your fucking hoodie back?”
“I-I guess. Yeah.”
Regulus crossed his arms. “Are you joking right now? What the hell is your problem, James? You were too chicken-shit to ask for it back and suddenly you are so desperate for it you wake me up for it? Why do you even want it? It’s shit anyways.”
“It is pretty shit,” James said, “Which is why I also want to know why you want it.”
Regulus tried to hide his surprise at both the question and when James moved to grab one of the hoodie strings between his thumb and finger.
“I want it for sentimental reasons. Like these, it reminds me of every time you were nervous,” James said, rolling the chewed piece of plastic. “The strings may be ruined, but it helped your nail biting habit.”
James let go of the string, allowing it to fall back with a small thump on Regulus’s chest. His finger next traced the cigarette burn in the sleeve and a shiver went up Regulus’s arm.
“This reminds me of the mistake I made to compare you to Sirius. Never would do that again.”
James moved to the broken zipper, a smile creeping to his lips.
“And this…remember how you didn’t want to admit that I was right about you needing another layer. And you stood there shivering, so I took pity on you and tried to zip you up with me-”
“And the zipper completely snapped,” Regulus finished. “I remember.”
“So many good memories,” James said, looking back up to meet Regulus’s gaze. “It would be a shame to get rid of them.”
Regulus tried to stifle the tears threatening to appear.
“So I guess it wasn’t the hoodie that I came to get this morning after I couldn’t sleep last night. I suppose I came so I could feel the memories again.”
He wanted to yell at James. He wanted to say the words that he had said a thousand times in his head of how James was big-headed and a hypocrite and how dare he leave Regulus like this.
Instead in a whisper, a question left his lips.
“Why didn’t you come find me?”
James hesitated.
Regulus reacted, as he always did. He recoiled backwards, moving to get the hoodie off.
“Take it. I don’t want the fuck-”
But James caught his wrist.
“Regulus. Please.”
“Let me go James.”
“Can we speak first, love?”
Regulus was taken aback by the affectionate nickname, but bit back, “You haven’t spoken to me in months. What’s changed now?”
“I had a realization. That you might still love me.”
“Of course I still love you! You are the one who left!”
James shook his head. “Regulus, you quite literally left me, alone in the corridor.”
“But you didn’t come after me. You always came after me.”
“I come after you when the arguments over whether or not what I said to some fourth was considered flirting or not,” James said, flustered. “This was a bit more serious of a matter, and you left in the middle of it. I thought that we had a future together and I wanted to know if you saw it too. You leaving felt like an answer enough to me.”
Regulus couldn’t help his mouth falling slightly agape. “I-what? You…wanted a future with me?”
“Bloody hell Reggie. Of course I did!”
“You-then why the fuck did you insult me? Calling me a coward for running away?!?”
James let out an exasperated laugh. “You are putting words in my mouth, love.”
“I am not.”
Regulus was getting frustrated, and as much as he wanted to turn around and slam the door in James’s face, he wasn’t going to prove James right by running away.
James, who always knew how to read Regulus better than anybody, reached out to brush his fingers against where Regulus was digging his nails into the palms of his skin in an attempt to keep in control. Regulus wavered. James trailed his fingers up Regulus’s sleeve.
“You are so stubborn,” he muttered, leaning closer to brush his lips against Regulus. For a moment Regulus almost abandoned the current argument altogether in favor of snogging his ex at this ungodly hour in the Slytherin boys’ corridor. But he came to his senses and turned his head.
“Fuck off James.”
James smiled, shaking his head before leaning over Regulus’s shoulder to bang it on the brick.
“Thought you still love me?”
Regulus moved out of his space.
“I…I do.”
“And I still love you.”
“Then answer. Why didn’t you come after me?”
“I wanted to. I wanted to stand at the Slytherin door, refusing to budge until you came out so I could kiss you until there was no memory of our earlier feelings.”
“Then. Why. Didn’t. You.”
“Because I have some self preservation. You made it very clear that you were not looking for a future. You didn’t even want to spend the holidays with me.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want to spend holidays with you, I told you that I couldn’t.”
“You wouldn’t even meet me halfway. We could have come up with some excuse, stayed for Christmas at Hogwarts together.”
“You don’t get it James.”
Regulus could feel the tear, hot and wet slip down his cheek. He watched as James noticed it too, tracking its movements.
“I’m sorry,” James finally said, “You’re right. I…I struggle to understand but I need to trust you that you know what’s best.”
Regulus’s heart was melting. He had been wanting to hear an apology from James for months now, and yet now that he had gotten one he realized it was not an apology that he had needed.
“I’m sorry,” Regulus said, the weight of the world feeling as if it was crashing into him, “I am sorry that I left and I am sorry that I shouted and I am sorry that I am so stubborn-”
“Reggie, it’s okay-”
Regulus reached a shaky hand towards James and James complied by immediately wrapping Regulus in one of those hugs that only James could use to fix him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you,” Regulus continued, sniffing into his shoulder, “I’m sorry that I didn’t come back to you-”
“Regulus,” James stopped him, cupping his cheeks in his hands. “There is no need for all that love. I forgive you.”
And with that James had given Regulus what he had needed for the past six and half weeks.
That night, Regulus still had the hoodie on, even though he knew he didn’t need it. Not when he was holding onto the real thing.