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“Hey, I need you to keep your eyes open for me, okay? You hear me? Try to keep your eyes open.”
He recognized that voice. The last time he'd heard it was just a few weeks ago, at the hospital. Who was it for though? Why was he at the hospital that time?
His brain felt like a jumbled mess. His body felt even worse.
He just wanted to sleep.
“Tommy! Tommy, can you hear me?”
Athena! That's who was speaking to him.
He opened his mouth, cracked one eye open. God, it hurt!
“I- I'm,” the words felt foreign as they escaped him. His voice didn't sound like his own. His mouth was dry, and held a bad taste.
Whiskey and... and metal.
Blood.
“Tommy, paramedics are on their way, okay? I just need you to stay with me until they get here.”
It was dark, but something was shining bright in his face.
“Flash... Flashlight,” he managed to get out, squeezing his eye back shut.
“Eyes- Eye open, Tommy. I'll get the flashlight out of your face, but I need to know you're with me.”
Wait. Had she said paramedics? They couldn't. He couldn't let them- let him see.
“No, no, no,” he mumbled out, shaking his head a couple times until a sharp pain shot through it. “No, h- he can't. I don't-”
“They're not on shift, Tommy.”
He tried to push himself up, away from where she hovered over him. He didn't manage to get very far before she placed a hand on his chest.
“Tommy, you cannot get up. I need you to stay still, and stay conscious. Those two things are your only jobs. You hear me?”
“I can't,” his words were so garbled. He coughed up the blood that'd been dripping down his throat.
I can't let him see.”
“Listen to me, Tommy!” Athena exclaimed, getting right in Tommy's face. He could barely see her, but he could feel her breath on his face. “They're not coming. Buck isn't coming; it'll be someone else.”
In the distance, he heard the sound of sirens. He didn't feel relief. Didn't feel much of anything at all. He was fading, fast. It took all his energy to force out one last sentence before he lost consciousness. “Don't... Don't tell him.”
*****
He just wanted to go out for a drink. Something a little stronger than craft beer.
It'd been two weeks since he broke up with Evan- no, Buck. He was Buck now.
It'd been two weeks since he broke up with Buck and the ache in his chest felt the same way it did the second he walked out of the loft.
He'd thought he was saving himself from future heartbreak, and maybe he was, but it didn't quite make it hurt any less.
Georgie's wasn't exactly a gay bar, but Georgie was gay and the bar itself became a sort of unofficial hang out for older people in the lgbtq+ community. No loud music and everyone left each other alone. A perfect place to decompress while still allowing yourself to be free.
After a couple of whiskey sours, and yeah, a pitcher of craft beer, Tommy was ready to go.
He waited outside, near the alleyway, for his Uber. He found himself going to his messages, hovering over Evan's name. He hadn't had the heart to change it to Buck yet.
He'd been wanting to text him since the breakup. Talk about it some more. Actually give a reason for why it- why he- fell apart so fast. How Buck's words triggered some terrible memories for him. How he suddenly realized there was no way he could be everything he thought Buck needed. Everything Buck deserved. Not to mention they hadn't even exchanged I love you's. And it was insane to think all of Tommy's things could fit in Buck's loft. Buck's things could fit in his house so much easier!
He clicked on Evan's name, started to type something out, erased it, started again, erased it again.
He was usually so aware of his surroundings. His time in the military did that to him. It did a lot of things to him actually, many of which he wasn't very thankful for. However, he prided himself on not being oblivious.
Tonight he was oblivious.
He didn't expect five men to jump him at once. He was a strong guy. Had taken on three men about fifteen years earlier. Did it with ease too.
But not five men. Not when one had a bat, and one had brass knuckles, and one was at least 6'5 and three hundred pounds. Not when they dragged him to the ground and into the alley before he had a chance to react. Screaming slurs at him as they took turns using his body as a punching bag.
He tried to fight. At one point, he was sure he kicked one of the guy's in the face. Heard him yell something like, “The fag broke my tooth!”
It only made things worse.
He wasn't sure when he first lost consciousness, but he knew they were still on top of him. Still laughing as they hit and kicked. He heard the sounds of someone spitting at some point. Felt wet on his face.
Then there was nothing.
Until someone stepped out from somewhere, and maybe they heard him groan? Maybe it was his Uber driver wondering where he was? Maybe it was an employee taking out the trash? He wasn't sure. He could barely hear someone telling him they were calling the police. There was a ringing in his ears, and his lungs felt like they were on fire. Someone said something about wheezing, barely breathing. He wondered what that was about.
Then there was Athena. Then nothing again.
*****
The next time Tommy opened his eyes, he was in a dimly lit hospital room. He was confused. Could barely see out of one eye and everything was blurry out of the other.
His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and maybe some tiny humans hitting his brain with hammers.
“Are you... awake awake or not really awake?”
The sound of a man's voice startled him. He couldn't hardly move, but he was able to focus his eyes across the room at the figure in the corner.
“Ed- Eddie?”
God, his voice sounded weird. Why did it sound like that? Like he'd spent the last 30 years smoking a pack a day.
“Yeah, I'm here.”
He sounded hesitant. Maybe they'd had this conversation before? If they had, Tommy certainly didn't remember it.
“Wha- Why?”
Eddie stepped closer. “You're in the hospital, Man.”
Tommy wanted to roll his eyes. No duh.
He settled for clearing his throat, which turned into a burning sensation running down his chest. “Why're you... here?” he tried. Hoped Eddie understood that much.
“Tommy-”
“I t- told Athena-” he had to pause to take a breath. “Told her not to tell.”
“Actually, you told Athena not to tell him. And she assumed, correctly, I'm sure, that him was Buck. So she called me instead.”
Tommy closed his eyes. “Why?”
“Why'd she call me? Oh, maybe because you don't have anyone listed as an emergency contact and you were nearly beat to death so she figured you might need someone to be here when you woke up.”
Tommy's jaw clenched at Eddie's harsh words.
Nearly beat to death.
He was nearly beat to death.
Eddie either noticed Tommy's heart rate going up on the monitor, or his eyes filling with tears, because he was right beside his bed in two strides. “Sorry,” he said. “Sorry, I- I'm kinda pissed, Man.”
“S'okay,” Tommy replied, swallowing hard. “I deserve it.”
Eddie looked taken aback. “No, I'm not- Tommy, I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at this,” he said, gesturing over Tommy's body. “I've never seen...” Eddie's voice trailed off and, through Tommy's own blurry vision, he could see that Eddie was close to crying.
“What'd they do to me?” Tommy asked, barely able to take in all his injuries. His entire body hurt, no part any worse or less than the other. He could feel something on every limb, but he couldn't quite move his head around enough to see what it was.
Eddie took a deep breath. He wiped at his eyes with his fingers, sniffling before getting started. “You've got bruising on about seventy-five percent of your body. You had surgery for a busted kneecap on your right knee. Your left arm has a fracture, and your right one has thirty stitches, I think. They broke a few ribs, so it's gonna hurt like hell when you take a deep breath or cough. Um, you had some internal bleeding, but they got that under control pretty fast. You've got a fracture in your cheek, which may cause some extra pain when you talk. You've got a few broken fingers too, and lost a couple fingernails during your- when you were defending yourself.”
“Hm,” Tommy hummed once Eddie was done. “S'that all?”
Eddie shook his head, rolling his eyes. “I'm sure I missed a couple things, actually, jackass.”
Tommy let out a laugh, which quickly turned into a groan. “Thanks for coming, Eddie,” he said, trying and failing at moving himself into a slightly more comfortable position. “You don't have to stay though. I'll be fine.”
Eddie stared at him incredulously. “You're kidding me.”
Tommy shifted his eyes back in Eddie's direction. “No, I- I'll be okay. I've got it. Just,” he paused to take a breath, “don't let Buck know, please.”
Eddie raised a finger toward Tommy. “Well, see, about that. You only told Athena not to tell him before, and-”
“You didn't.”
“-and see he was already at my place when I got the call, so-”
“Please tell me you didn't.”
“I have one with cream and one with sugar and- Oh my God, you're awake!” The sound of Buck's voice had Tommy's head twisting toward the door so quickly that a pain shot from the bottom of his back all the way to the top of his head. “Ow!” he yelped, clenching his teeth and tossing his head against the pillow, squeezing his eyes shut.
“Oh my God. Has the nurse come in yet? Have they checked his vitals? Eddie, you said he'd be out for a while! Tommy, do you feel any nausea? Do you remember who we are? The nurses said you might have-”
“Buck!” Eddie exclaimed. “Stop. He's okay.” He glanced over at Tommy, “I did forget to mention the head trauma.”
Tommy groaned, giving him a glare.
Eddie walked over to Buck and took the drink carrier from his hands. “I'll go find a nurse, you stay with him.”
Tommy wanted to yell out to Eddie to please not go, and also screw you, and maybe throw a couple hand gestures in there too. He stayed silent instead.
Buck looked Tommy up and down, hesitating slightly before walking up to the side of the bed. “So, you're-”
“I want to see myself,” Tommy blurted.
“Oh, um, I... Tommy, I don't. It might be better to wait.”
Tommy managed to move his head enough to look up at Buck. He could see the fear- no, the panic- in Buck's eyes.
“I wanna see," he repeated.
“Tommy-”
“Buck!” It took a lot of strength to get his name out so forcefully, and he didn't quite mean it to sound as angry as it did, but this wasn't Buck's decision. It was his. And he wanted to see what he looked like.
Buck pulled his phone from his back pocket, his hands shaking slightly as he pulled up the camera.
Slowly, he lifted the phone up to Tommy's face.
The second it registered that he was looking at himself, Tommy sucked in a breath. He grimaced as pain radiated through his chest but, when Buck went to move the camera away he stopped him. “No,” he said. “Just. Just wait.”
He knew his eyes were swollen by how out of focus his vision was, but he had no idea just how bad they looked. The right was worse than the left, but both were an angry mixture of black, purple, and green. The bruise on the left side of his face ran down his cheek to his jaw, circling underneath his chin like a half moon and fading into his facial hair. There were marks on his neck. Looked like someone's hand. He could understand Eddie's hesitancy on mentioning that. He didn't remember anyone gripping him there, which was probably for the best.
His forehead had more bruises, and cuts too. There was dried blood at his hairline, some stitched up cuts. His curly hair was nearly matted to his head, his scalp a brutal crimson.
“I tried to wash the blood out of your hair with a washcloth,” Buck explained anxiously, “but you have some lacerations on your scalp and I didn't want to bother them until they healed a little more.”
It was all so overwhelming. There was a whirring sound in his ears that made him feel dizzy. His eyes burned as they filled with tears that he didn't have the strength to wipe away.
“Okay,” he said, his voice uneven. He cleared his throat. “Can you- You can go, please. I don't... You can go.”
“Tommy-”
“Ev- Buck, I'm awake, I'm fine, I don't need anyone here.” He stared straight ahead, unable to look Buck in the eyes. “Please.”
“No.”
Tommy really didn't feel like dealing with stubborn Evan right now. “I don't-”
“I don't really care, Tommy. I'm not leaving you here. I've been at this damn hospital for three days now and I'm staying until you go home. I don't care what-”
He was cut off by the sound of footsteps behind him.
“Got the nurse,” Eddie said, an awkward smile on his face. The nurse, to her credit, ignored all the tension in the room.
“Let me get some hand sanitizer and gloves and I'll be right with you, Mr. Kinard.”
Buck sighed. He stepped even closer to Tommy. “I'm gonna go into the hall long enough for the nurse to check you out,” he said, maneuvering himself until he was halfway leaning over the bed, his arm on the other side of Tommy to prop himself up as he forced him to make eye contact. “I will be back in a few minutes. You have people who care about you, Tommy, whether you like it or not.”
With that said, Buck stood back up and left the room.
*****
Tommy spent a few more days in the hospital before he was released. There were only two times that Buck left long enough to get a shower and get a little rest in a real bed. Both of those times, he made sure Eddie was there the entire time.
Athena had come in to get his statement. Asked him all sorts of questions, most of which Tommy couldn't answer. He hadn't really gotten a good look at them. Only had very basic descriptions. He remembered the slurs they had hurled at him, knew they attacked because he was gay. He couldn't really figure out how they knew though. Besides being outside of that bar, it wasn't like Tommy ever did anything that screamed gay. Not that it mattered.
She'd been honest with him. There were no cameras at that part of the street, or in the alleyway. No one got a good description of the attackers, and the person who called the police only saw their shadows as they disappeared into the night. She'd do everything she could, but it wasn't likely they'd find these men. At least, not until they did this again.
Bobby stopped by once with some homemade chicken noodle soup. Buck had to feed him every bite, which made Tommy feel like he was about to cry the entire time, but he managed half a bowl before he had to stop. It was a million times better than anything the hospital had been feeding him, and he was glad to know Bobby had put some in his freezer to give Tommy when he got home.
Chim and Maddie came one evening. He'd been asleep when they got there, woke up some time during their visit, but he kept his eyes shut until they left.
Honestly, every time someone walked through the doors he felt more and more like running out of the hospital and finding a hole to fall into. Then, if he were lucky, someone would just shovel some dirt over him and let him rest.
These weren't his people. They were Buck's people. They didn't need to be there for him. They needed to hate him. They needed to laugh at his bruises and tell him he deserved every last one. They needed to yell at him for breaking Buck's heart to try and save his own.
That'd be a lot easier than this.
Thankfully, Hen and Karen didn't come by. They did send flowers though, and a card that explained both kids had strep throat and they didn't want to risk bringing that to the hospital. They'd come by Tommy's place once he was home.
He and Buck didn't talk about anything that needed to be talked about. All the unsent messages that had swirled through Tommy's mind didn't matter right now. It was like an unspoken rule between the two of them. Right now was not the time to try and fix whatever happened between them. Right now was about Tommy healing.
*****
As soon as they got Tommy home, Buck left Eddie with him so he could go to the pharmacy and pick up his medications. When he got back, Eddie headed out to go home and rest, promising to come back later with a variety of foods that would be easy on Tommy to eat.
The silence felt more... silent at Tommy's house. It was different now that they were at home instead of a hospital with people coming in and out at all times.
Tommy needed to do something, say something, to break the silence.
“I wasn't on a date,” he muttered out as Buck organized his pain meds on his nightstand.
Buck paused briefly before getting right back to it. “Didn't think you were.”
Tommy nodded. “Okay. I just, I don't know, didn't want you to think that.”
“You go to Georgie's when your brain is working overtime and you need it to quiet down.”
Tommy's eyebrows furrowed. “I didn't know I ever told you that.”
“You didn't,” Buck replied, handing Tommy his pills and a glass of water. “I just know you.”
Tommy swallowed the pills, wincing slightly. His throat still felt scratchy even a week later. “I don't know how they knew,” he said as Buck took the water from him and set it on his nightstand.
“Who knew what?”
“Those guys that-” he stopped. “I don't know how they knew I was gay.”
“A lot of queer people hang out at Georgie's,” Buck answered. “They probably took a guess.”
The thought of it made Tommy's stomach lurch. “I've spent most of my life trying to make sure people couldn't guess.”
Buck watched him for a moment quizzically. “Tommy, you're not... You don't blame yourself for this, do you? You know this wasn't your fault, right?”
Tommy avoided eye contact with Buck. He felt so small right now. “I know I didn't do anything to provoke them.”
“That doesn't really answer my question.”
“I just... I don't know what I could have done differently. I know I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings. I... I should probably go to a different bar, maybe. I don't know.”
“You can't be serious right now.”
“This is everything I feared my entire life, Buck,” Tommy admitted and, God, he wished he could shut up right now. The pain pills were starting to make him a little loose lipped, mixed with him truly being alone with Buck for the first time since they broke up, mixed with an undeniable fear every time he thought about that night, seemed to make it impossible to close his mouth. “I did everything to make sure nothing like this would ever happen to me and it still did. I keep thinking about it and wondering how it could have been different. How I could have been different.”
“Tommy, can you look at me?”
Slowly, Tommy looked up at Buck, his eyes shining with tears.
“This was not your fault. There's nothing you could or should have done differently. You cannot let those five men shove you back into a closet.”
“I-” Tommy cleared his throat. “They're not. It's just... a lot right now.”
“I get that, I- I do. You look tired. Why don't you rest for a bit, okay? I'll be here when you wake up.”
“Buck, you don't-”
“If you tell me I don't need to stay I will force feed you bone broth when you wake up.”
Tommy shivered. “Ugh! I hate bone broth.”
“I know you do.” Buck gently pulled a pillow out from under Tommy, allowing him to lie back easier. “Close your eyes, get some rest. I'm here when you need me.”
*****
They were bound to fight sometime. Tommy had honestly expected it to happen sooner. Buck had been staying with him for three weeks now, only gone when he was working a shift. Bobby had let him work part time for now, with Carla caring for him when Buck was gone.
They'd managed to get past the initial awkwardness. Buck rambled about any and every subject he could think of. They'd watch movies together on the couch, with Tommy falling asleep halfway through due to his pain meds.
Buck would get Tommy tucked in bed, then set himself up on Tommy's floor in case he was needed during the night. Tommy had tried to insist he use the spare room, but Buck wouldn't hear of it. He knew Tommy wouldn't call for him if he needed him through the night.
Then Tommy tried to suggest he sleep in the bed. But that was a no go because, “I kick, Tommy, you know this. Do you really want another knee surgery?”
They'd been focused on Tommy getting better. And they'd been ignoring the many, many elephants in the room.
So, a fight was expected.
What wasn't expected was for the fight to start because Tommy needed to pee.
Buck had seemed a bit more on edge today, but Tommy chalked that up to a shift that ran longer than expected.
Tommy had grabbed his crutches, which he'd just been able to start using to go short distances. He still didn't quite trust himself to use them at night, but he was working toward relying on them more and relying on people less.
When he stood, Buck immediately stood with him.
“I'm fine, Buck. I just need to go to the bathroom.”
“I'll help you there.”
“I'm really fine. I can get there by myself.”
Tommy was sure he had kept his tone neutral. He definitely didn't want an argument tonight. But, before he could even make it two steps, he heard Buck scoff. “Not surprised.”
And maybe it was the full bladder making him extra bitchy, but Tommy couldn't help turning around and asking, “What's that mean?”
Buck shrugged, crossing his arms over his chest. “Nothing.”
“Obviously it's not nothing. If it were nothing you wouldn't have said anything in the first place. What doesn't surprise you?”
“Just you, ya know, pushing people away. It's what you do.”
“Ha!” Tommy laughed out. “If I'm pushing people away then I really suck at it because you haven't left my house in three weeks. I just need to pee.”
“I'm not talking about right now. I'm talking about me telling you that I loved you and you breaking up with me.”
How in the hell did they end up here?
“You didn't tell me you loved me, Evan!” Tommy exclaimed, unbelievably confused. The sudden change in tone caused Buck to take a step back.
He was only thrown off for a second, quick with a retort. “Of course I did!”
“No, you absolutely did not! You asked me to move in with you, but you did not tell me you loved me.”
“Wait. You asked him to move in with you?” Eddie's voice had them glaring in his direction. Both had forgotten he was even there in the first place. He raised his hands. “Sorry.”
“Well, I- it was obviously implied,” Buck argued. “I wouldn't have asked you to move in if I didn't love you.”
“How the hell was I supposed to know that?! You were making it sound like I was some gay hero that sewed the first pride flag! I don't even go to pride events, Evan! All the colors are far too bright and the glitter never leaves you.”
“Glitter is really annoying,” Eddie agreed.
Tommy pointed a crutch at him. “Thank you.”
“I was not trying to make you out to be some gay hero, Tommy! I was telling you that I was comfortable with you. I was telling you I wanted to spend all my time with you. I wanted us to be together!”
“You didn't even think it through, Evan!” Tommy motioned around the room. “I own a home. It comes with two bedrooms that have doors, a garage, a back yard, and two and a half bathrooms. You asked me to move into your loft.”
Eddie shook his head. “Oh, Buck.”
Buck's eyes shot over to him. “You're still here why?”
Eddie stood from his spot on the couch, grabbing his coat. “Yeah, I'm going. Later.”
They both stayed silent until they heard the door open and close.
Buck opened his mouth, closed it, then opened it again. “This is our first fight, isn't it?”
Tommy nodded. “It is.”
“Took us long enough.”
Tommy managed a small smile. “Probably should have fought you that night, honestly.”
“I think I would have felt better if you did.”
“Me too.” Tommy took a deep breath. “I actually really do have to pee,” he said, shifting from one crutch to the other. “Can we pause this until I'm done?”
Buck nodded. “I'll be here.”
They didn't actually fight anymore after that. It was time for Tommy to take his meds, which made him tired, and Buck was tired himself from his shift. Tommy laid in bed, Buck snoring on the floor beside him, thinking it all over. All the things he still felt like he needed to say. The unfinished business they had between them.
The fight wasn't much, but it was something.
It was enough.
For now.
*****
“Are you sure you're good on your own?” Buck asked as Tommy limped behind him toward the door.
“I'm sure. I can successfully do everything on my own now with minimal to no pain.”
Buck turned back to him quickly, eyes wide. “But there's still pain?”
Tommy smiled. “I'm fine, Evan.”
Buck didn't look so sure. “Okay, I... Okay.” Instinctively, he moved forward to wrap Tommy in a hug. He stopped himself before he got too close, but Tommy responded by opening his arms.
Buck's posture relaxed as he gently wrapped his arms around Tommy, careful not to squeeze too tightly. "I was so worried about you," he whispered in the space between them.
"I know."
“You'll call the number I gave you?” he asked.
“I already did yesterday,” Tommy admitted. “When you went out to pick up dinner. My first session is next Monday.”
“Good. That's... That's good.”
“Thank you, Evan. For everything you've done for me. You didn't have to do that.”
Reluctantly, Buck pulled himself away from Tommy.
“Did you realize you've been calling me Evan since our fight a couple weeks ago?” he asked, lips upturning into a smile.
“Oh, um,” Tommy shifted on his feet, taking the pressure off his bad knee. “Sorry. Habit.”
“Don't be sorry. I hate when you call me Buck.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. I'll always- I wanna be Evan, to you.”
Tommy nodded, staring into Evan's eyes. “Okay. That's. I'd like that too.”
Buck continued toward the door, stopping again as soon as his hand touched the handle. He looked back. “Hey, Tommy?”
“Yeah?”
“Next time you think about texting me... hit send, okay?”
Tommy had never mentioned that before. But he'd caught Buck's near-texts to him too, so it didn't quite catch him off guard. “I'm kinda a mess, Evan. I'm not as comfortable as you think I am. I'm not... I'm still figuring things out.”
“That's okay. I am too. Text me anyway.”
“Even if I'm asking you out for a coffee? So we can talk? Really talk?”
“Date and time, I'll be there.” Buck smiled softly at him as he opened the door to leave. “I'll get your order right this time.”