Work Text:
I am not here. BEEP: “Sumeragi-san, the Tokyo Police Department will appreciate your performing your work quietly during future assignments. A substantial percentage of our officers have taken to throwing themselves off high places subsequent to working with you, and we simply do not have the resources to admit and train new personnel year-round. Thank you for your cooperation, and we look forward to working with you again. Silently.”
I am not here. BEEP: “-answer it! Damn it, fucking machine again—Hey, Subaru! Mind coming out in, like, ten minutes and, I dunno, helping us save humanity? Fuuma has Kamui pinned to a building again, and I am busy bleeding to death- Fuck, YUZURIHA! STOP COMPARING MANGA WITH THE COMPUTER-CHICK AND HELP KAMUI! I DON’T CARE IF HE SEEMS TO LIKE IT---- “
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru, there is a man here asking for you. He is being aggressive. He is also not wearing any pants.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-kun, would you please start answering when I call you? That’s what the pentagrams are there for, you know.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Also, stop stealing my cigarettes. I mean it.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Sumeragi-san, can eating a shikigami give you indigestion?”
I am not here. BEEP: “*sakura rustling*…………………Feeeeeeed meeeee……………………”
I am not here. BEEP: “Excuse the previous message, Subaru-kun. Mother’s number used to be first on my speed dial. I really have to stop forgetting my phone in the park.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Sumeragi-san, this is Kanoe of the Dragons of Earth. I am calling to request for you to refrain from using our Headquarters’ private phone line as means of emotionally blackmailing the Sakurazukamori. For one, he does not live here. For another, it is rather pathetic. Thank you, and have a nice evening.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Let’s say, hypothetically, that I accidentally set someone on fire. Would a wind spell help or hurt at this point?”
I am not here. BEEP: “Never mind, we figured it out through trial-and-error.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Sumeragi-san, the world will end whether you pick up your phone or not. Hinata-hime has been trying to give you your final assignment for two weeks now. At this rate, she will have you fighting your opposite star somewhere completely ridiculous.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-kun, I will much appreciate it if you stop throwing things at my shikigami. It turns out they have feelings. Pretty ironic, all things considered.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Fuuma is here again. He has wings now. So does our Kamui. You don’t want to know what they are doing to each other on the roof. Come as fast as you can, and bring tranquilizers.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-kun, this is a reminder to either start eating more or stop rejecting the care-packages I send you. If not of yourself, think of those around you – I still have bruises from your bony hips.”
I am not here. BEEP: “You just had to tell Yuzuriha you like penguins, didn’t you? Do you know how hard the damn things can bite? Also, the entirety of the Dragons of Heaven is now banned from any zoo within Tokyo parameters. I hope you are happy.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Hello, this is the Kamui of the Dragons of Earth. I was wondering whether you would be interested in trading your Kamui in for the Sakurazukamori. This is a limited-time offer.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Sumeragi-san, Shirou-san is in the cupboard again. Please come fetch him – I need the flour.”
I am not here. BEEP: “…I swear I had NO idea those beads were yours. I promise to wash and return them asap.”
I am not here. BEEP: “As you are well-aware, Subaru-kun, I am incapable of feeling anything that even remotely resembles human emotion. That said, if I see your Kamui touch you one more time, the world will end much sooner than predicted.”
I am not here. BEEP: “I do not want to know the reasons behind it – just have my lingerie dry-cleaned and sent back to me.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Sumeragi-san, you should know about this: is there a cure for a hand-through-the-chest?”
I am not here. BEEP: “False alarm. Apparently, the power of emo is potent enough.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Okay, I don’t get it: if the world is ending as according to the Christian belief of Doomsday, thus re-enforcing the truthfulness of Christianity, how come your onmoyodo magic-tricks work? I would appreciate a quick response – the essay is due tomorrow.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-kun, have you seen my eye? Oh, never mind, I found it – it rolled under the couch again.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Sumeragi-san, how does sex work? I tried asking Arashi-san, but she won’t tell me and everyone else was suddenly called away on a mission.”
I am not here. BEEP: “You can ignore the previous message, Sumeragi-san! Kamui-san offered to teach me about it—click: Ah, hello, Sumeragi-san! Did you just get home?”
I am not here. BEEP: “Hey, Subaru, can I borrow your gloves? In case the answer is no, I have no idea why they are dripping green slime.”
I am not here. BEEP: “I swear, drawing on your ofuda was not my idea!...Okay, it was, but Sorata did the one of you sucking on a lollipop. *hushed murmuring* What do you mean, it wasn’t a lollipop?”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-kun, please stop giving my phone number to telemarketers. Also, I demand my underwear back. It is too cold to go out commando.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-san, my stomach hurts and I have been throwing up rather frequently. Is there any chance that I could be pregnant?”
I am not here. BEEP: “Yeah, laugh all you want – my aunt did give birth to a sword, if you don’t remember! If I am really pregnant, I am gonna name it after you, you bitch.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-kun, I sincerely hope that if there is an abomination in your Kamui’s stomach, it is not yours.”
I am not here. BEEP: “No, I do not have your phone tapped. I just check who calls you while you are in the shower. I thought you wanted me to be more involved in your life.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru, what are your thoughts on matching outfits for the Final Battle?”
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru, a couple of Yakuza goons tried to rough me up today. Long story short, do you need anything off the black market? I hear guns do wonders in ridding people of pesky stalkers."
I am not here. BEEP: “Subaru-kun, I advise you to remain indoors today. Our Kamui ingested a copious amount of sugar this morning before disappearing along with a pair of Kanoe’s handcuffs. We have failed to locate him so far. Keep the door locked and stay away from windows.”
I am not here. BEEP: “SUBARU, HE IS IN MY CHIMNEY! WHY IS HE IN MY CHIMNEY??!”
I am not here. BEEP: “I just wanted you to hear me laugh as I read the restraining-order notice aloud. By the way, you did not sign it again, Subaru-kun.”
I am not here. BEEP: “So, the school sent me to a psychologist. I just spent an hour with him, and am now trying to convince the guy to not go and kill himself. Am all out of ideas. Ring me if you come up with anything.”
I am not here. BEEP: “There are sheep and I am naked. If this is not Kanoe, please inform the world that its end may be a bit delayed.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Good news: we found the dress. Bad news: Kamui was not in it. Keep an eye out for a naked Japanese boy.”
I am not here. BEEP: “No pun intended.”
I am not here. BEEP: “Hey, Subaru, Japan does not allow gay marriage, right? Oh, whatever, I can always file for divorce on reason of insanity of spouse if it comes to it…”
I am not here. BEEP: “You still owe me a wedding gift.”
I am not here. BEEP: "Subaru-kun, are you your Kamui's best man? Because I am Monou-kun's, and I thought we could coordinate colors."
I am not here. BEEP: "Sumeragi-san, this is Hinoto. I am calling to inform you that the Final Battle has been postponed, potentially indefinitely, on account of our Kamui's oncoming nuptials. Thank you for your dedication up to this point.
Now that the formalities are out of the way, a bunch of us are going out and getting smashed tonight. You are welcome to join. Call me back for details, K?"
I am not here. BEEP: "Hinoto again. Just to clarify, I am not asking you out. Please have your one-eyed boyfriend vacate my front lawn. The damn hawks are tearing up my herb garden,"
I am not here. BEEP: "Subaru-kun, how do you feel about a summer wedding? Potentially in America?"
I am not here. BEEP: "I agree. There is no reason to invite any of our acquaintances. Or to come back at all. I own a lovely villa overlooking the ocean down in California. Some sun will do us both good."