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“Why don’t you get some rest”
Robin looked over his friends, their eyes wide with concern, arms open with compassion, and for the first time that night he almost felt safe. He smiled.
“Sounds like a good idea” he said as optimistically as possible and turned away toward his room. His heart was numb. His body ached. He had been fighting Slade all night, but only in his mind. ‘Looks like Slade pulled off one last trick ’ Cyborg’s voice echoed in his head. Robin clenched his fists and gritted his teeth. He was always two steps ahead. He should have known he would pull something like this.
The door to his room hissed open and Robin just stood underneath the yellow light, taking note of the silence of the nighttime---the quiet of his thoughts, the low magnetic hum that ran through the tower, and something like a ringing screech that could only be in his mind. He took a breath. Another. and Another. His muscles tightened and loosened as he tried not to glance around the room, over his shoulder, at the dark bathroom in the corner. He walked toward it with forced steadiness and turned the light on. He’s gone. He’s not here. He never was. Robin cursed himself for being so... affected by the events of the night---for mutedly hoping, more than he ever had, for a man to be dead.
He took a hot shower, got dressed in an old black shirt and sweats, and sat on the edge of his bed. Silence fell again, then the quiet, the hum, the growing screech of nothing. He could feel himself slipping again, back into... who he is. Contingency plans, and ‘what if?’ scenarios began to permeate his mind. There was a noise somewhere. Slade. He was on his feet at once, panting, heart racing, every limb expectant. With no small amount of courage he turned around to check behind him and clenched his body up tight only to find nothing. He exhaled and sunk back down to his bed.
“No...” he groaned. “not another sleepless night.” He rubbed his eyes. He was so tired, but too hypervigilant. The image of Slade came into his mind, above him and somehow behind him, blows falling like gravity, like a brick house caving in around you in weighted metal boots, no stopping it, no time to catch your breath...
‘You can say it’
...locked in a darkened mechanical warehouse with a sleepless, masked, monster, twice your size, twice your strength, your skill, for an undetermined length of time---maybe till he dies, or you do. His unshaking voice telling you who you are and who you will be. “From now on, I’d like you to call me master.” Disgust. And then a starbolt. Hope! and fear...
‘You’re alone. You can admit it.’
‘I’m... I’m...’ Robin merely sat, morosely. He thought again of Starfire, her voice: “Robin, you are never alone.” He was considering waking her. He needed his friend. Starfire could always make him feel safe and calm. Her words were like a salve on his skin, her smile like a shelter from the constant bustling turmoil of life. At least temporarily... No. He would have to bite the bullet of being alone, of being on edge. That was the only way he would solve this. That’s what Bruce had always taught him. And yet he could still hear his teammates voices in his head.
“Robin, you are never alone.”
“If Slade ever does really return, we’ll be ready. We’ve got things covered here. Why don’t you get some rest.”
‘You don’t have to be afraid.’ Even when they didn’t say it they did.
Robin sighed. Wasn’t that the whole reason he was here? Out of Gotham? With teammates? With actual friends? Wasn’t the whole reason he had left so he didn’t have to suffer as Bruce did. There was no need to choose to be alone. Robin stood, readying himself to do something he had never done before.
The hallway was dark. He tried to steady his shaking hands as he walked uneasily down to Starfire’s room. A strange sensation flared up in his stomach that made him stay his hand for a moment, but he quickly swallowed it and knocked on her door. After a few seconds it slid open to reveal his friend.
“Robin?” She stood in the doorway dressed in a long, soft-looking, pink gown. Her hair was only barely messed, and her bright green eyes were heavy with sleep and worry.
“Starfire.” He hated the plea in his voice, but he could already feel his heartbeat slowing, his breathing steady, as he let his friend’s presence wash over him.
“Are you...alright?” she asked, her hand moved as if unsure whether or not to reach out. And then he remembered: He had hurt her that day, gripped her arm too tightly, yelling, angry, violent---and she hadn’t even pushed him away. He acted like a jerk. She could’ve knocked his lights out, but she didn’t, all because she cared about him.
“I’m... I’m..” he shivered as the image of Slade running past her flashed through his mind. Starfire touched his shaking arm. “Starfire, I’m so sorry.” She placed her other hand on his other arm, steadying him.
“Robin, what is wrong?” Her voice was thick with concern. Robin didn’t want to answer. The warmth of her hands made his eyes sting and his throat swell. He looked up at her and took a brief, uncommon, comfort in how tall and strong she was.
“Earlier today when I hurt you...” his voice began to tremble “..I’m so sorry. I was..” His hands were shaking now in her grip. He could feel tears beginning to sting in his eyes. “I was just so scared and...” Starfire looked down, horrified and understanding at her friend’s turmoil.
“Oh Robin!” She quickly threw her arms around him. Robin was grateful to break her gaze and let the unwelcome tears fall.
“...Not just then,” words began to fall from his mouth unbidden between uneven breaths, “...but before all of this happened. Ever since he died in the fire. Every time he leaves or escapes, I’m always watching, waiting for when he comes back, afraid the minute I slip up he’ll be there.” He wrapped his trembling arms around her. His voice cracked “...and tonight he just kept going, never stopped, even when I begged him... I thought he was gonna kill me, and I couldn’t stop him, and, Star...” His breathing quickened “...what if he comes back?” Starfire held him closer.
“Then I will kill that evil Clorbag Vorblernelk, myself.” Her voice shook with hatred. Robin had never heard her voice sound so rough before. He was astounded by her admission and he knew she wasn’t lying. She would kill Slade if he ever returned. Despite all that Robin had been taught about killing, the thought gave him immense pleasure.
“I’ve never killed anyone.” Robin responded, trying to calm himself. “I’ve never thought of killing anyone... but him. Is it wrong that I hope he’s dead?” It was more of a confession than a question.
“Killing one’s enemy and one’s tormentor is not wrong on Tamaran.” she paused. “Some people deserve to die.” She concluded, resolutely, and began trailing her fingers up and down his back in a tranquil motion. Robin melted into the touch. He could feel the fear leaving his body. He didn’t want to leave. He didn’t want to move. He could be weak with her, uncertain with her. He could ask all the questions that never felt right.
“What makes Slade different from any other criminal?” he asked, thinking of what Bruce might say. Nothing , of course. No guns, Dick. Killing makes you as bad as them. He still believed it, and yet... He thought of the feeling of his arm in Slade’s grip, of his sickly smooth voice, and shivered.
“There is something my mother once told me many years ago,” She began, her voice softened, somewhat, “...that I have always kept near in my thoughts, when I must use my strength and my power.” Robin pulled back, so they could look at each other. “When I was smaller she told Blackfire and me, ‘When you are playing the roughhousing with your little sisters, you must never use your strength or your Starbolts, for they are smaller and weaker, and it is not an even fight.” she waggled her finger in mock seriousness. Robin didn’t understand.
“What are you saying?” he asked.
“I have been thinking much about Slade, and why he so disgusts me. I believe...” She paused, again, choosing her words carefully, “there is something disturbing, about a grown man, who chooses only to fight with children who are not as strong or trained as he has become through experience, and to make them believe that it is their own fault that they are unable to defeat him, when it is HE who knows exactly what he has done! That he has---how do you say(?), set them up to fail.” Starfire had grown heated talking about it---her eyes glowing a little in the darkness. She looked at Robin who was gazing at her attentively and uncertain. Robin watched her gather herself. “He did it to our friend, Terra. He did it to you. And if he were to live I do not believe he would ever stop. He loved nothing. Only power, control, and hurting others, and he would leave a trail of broken and murdered children behind him, to seek such things.”
Robin’s eyes widened as he considered this.
“I guess I never thought of it that way.” He ran a hand through his almost dry hair. Thunder and Lightning, both so immature and unthinking, Terra, homeless and alone, desperate for control and calm, and Robin... he looked down at his hands through his welled-up eyes and his mask.
“and... what did he take advantage of in me? What was my weakness?” he asked, feeling defeated. Starfire, smiled sadly at her sweet friend. She leaned down and wiped a tear from his face with her long fingers.
“You believe everything is your fault.” she said, softly. Robin swallowed. It was true, and now it was Starfire’s turn to look uncertain. “I believe... that is to say, sometimes... it appears to me that...”
“It’s okay, Starfire... Just tell me.”
“Sometimes you wish to control everything... even your friends...” like Slade “...and if you cannot, you believe it is a weakness within yourself.” Robin looked at the ground, at her hands, anywhere that wasn’t in her eyes. She was right. “...but it is not so, my friend! Please, you are merely five years old on my home planet, and, and... none of us is perfect and...” Robin looked up at his friend who was trying so hard to put him at ease. He smiled and she stopped talking and the two shared a lingering gaze for a moment before falling again into an easy embrace.
“Well, you come pretty close.” Robin murmured, wishing he knew how to thank her. Starfire giggled, despite herself.
“Oh, Robin, I do not.” The two smiled, tiredly, and pulled away.
“Thanks, Starfire... for everything, for being the best friend I could ever have.”
“and you are mine. I am always here.”
“I guess I better go to bed.” he said, not truly wanting to leave.
“Robin?”
“Star?”
“Do you not, perhaps, wish to sleep with me?...er...in my bed?” Robin might have blushed though it would have been too dark to tell. He looked down the dark hallway to his room and thought about being alone. He sighed.
“Yeah...I actually really do.” Starfire’s weary face lit up.
“Worry not, friend. We will protect each other.” Robin followed her into her room, and in her bed and in her arms, finally fell asleep.