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( Takao/Midorima. In which Takao has no sense of timing. )
“Merry christma — whoops,” said Takao, clad in the tiniest santa suit she and Ri-chan could dig up on short notice. The fur trimmings were starting to chafe, and the thigh highs she’d fobbed off of Ri-chan were a little too tight, and it was just the worst timing ever that she couldn’t magically strip out of her clothes. At least, not while Akashi from Rakuzan stared at her, speechless, for once.
Midorima was equally at a loss for words, and he fumbled with the shogi piece he almost dropped in his lap. “Takao,” he said, strangled.
“Shin-chan,” said Takao. She fiddled with the leather belt around her waist. She wrinkled her nose at the flaking specks of gold paint.
“Shin-chan?” Akashi echoed, looking at Midorima with volumes of judgment.
Midorima sighed, and plucked Takao by the back of her collar, mindful of the fake fur. “Excuse me for a second.”
( Gen. In which Midorima is a lucky bastard. )
5 reasons why Midorima never got his ass kicked on a daily basis
1.
“There is a group of seniors banging angrily on the club room,” said Kuroko, by way of a greeting come after school practice.
“Are they male or female,” said Akashi, not even looking up from his clipboard.
“Female,” said Kuroko, after a measured pause, “ostensibly.”
“It wasn’t me,” said Aomine, inching away from Momoi’s freshly manicured nails.
“You went through the swim team’s lockers,” said Momoi.
“I was looking for my watch,” said Aomine.
”In the captain’s laundry,” said Momoi.
“It was hard to find through all that lace,” said Aomine. “Which reminds me, that senpai has awesome taste in underwear.”
“Please forgive him for being himself,” said Momoi, to the ceiling. “I should be happy they aren’t coming for you with pitchforks and knives yet, right?”
“They’re a little too scared to do that,” said Kuroko, dryly, “but regrettably, no one is on a hunt for Aomine-kun today. They’re looking for Midorima.”
“What,” said Momoi, dropping Aomine’s shoe mid-air.
“What,” said Aomine, delighted.
”What, said Midorima, perplexed.
“Oh,” said Kise, clapping his hands. He hadn’t forgiven Midorima for taking the last three-pointer in the previous game. “It’s finally happened, thank you, god.”
“Shintarou?” Akashi repeated, folding his hands on his lap. “This is unexpected. What exactly did you do to cause them offense?”
“What didn’t he do yet,” said Murasakibara, behind a mouthful of marshmallows.
“Nothing,” said Midorima.
“Nothing,” Kuroko repeated, “except maybe single-handedly ruin relationships with his love fortunes.”
Everyone took a long, uncomfortable moment to let that sink in. Midorima opened his mouth. Then he closed it again.
“Midorimacchi,” said Kise, making sympathetic noises despite the way he was discreetly texting Aomine HAHAHA, SUCK IT, “what did we tell you about non-interference?”
“I claim no fault behind the accuracy of Oha Asa’s predictions, or the fragility of adolescent dalliances,” said Midorima.
”Dalliance,” Aomine sneered. “Only you can make a little necking behind the chem room sound like a crime.”
”It is when you’re under the age of consent,” said Midorima. Prude, Aomine mouthed to Kise.
“You do realize we have to get out of this room at some point,” said Akashi.
“Hide him behind Kurokocchi,” Kise stage-whispered. “Maybe that will help.”
Aomine looked at Midorima. Then at Kuroko. Then at Midorima again.
“You mean Murasakibara, right,” said Aomine.
“No,” said Kise, “I mean Kurokocchi.”
“I have a better idea,” said Kuroko, and pushed Kise out of the door and into the hallway.
2.
Things Aomine never thought would ever happen in the history of Teikou: Midorima attracting girls. Midorima attracting enough girls to accumulate a following. A very devoted one. Aomine was so done with his batchmates.
“And I thought Kise’s fanclub was insane,” said Aomine. “Who would have thought?”
“His admirers are blind,” said Kise. This conversation was still a sore point for him, but it was a wonder Kise had less emotional baggage than a normal douchebag like Haizaki would have had. “Blind!”
“If they looked like that,” said Aomine, eyes glazing over at the sight of the volleyball team’s legs, legs, and more legs, “I wouldn’t care if they were blind.”
“It’s the height,” said Kuroko, also wounded, if only because the tennis girls thought he was a lackey. “And the grades.”
“I’m so proud,” Akashi smiled benevolently at Midorima. “Shintarou is growing up.”
“Hey Midorima,” said Aomine, “I’ll let you copy my math homework if you get me some numbers.”
“You don’t even do your homework,” said Midorima, withering.
“Satsuki’s, then,” said Aomine, trouncing Momoi’s protests with a sandwich to her mouth. “Now come on, you are officially my new best friend.”
3.
By the middle of the first semester, just when everyone had had about enough of Midorima and his fucking weirdness, Murasakibara started hanging around Midorima and trailing after him like a lost puppy. Everyone took a look at Midorima, all six feet of him, and then at Murasakibara who seemed to stretch longer than even Midorima, and then reconsidered stuffing Midorima’s shoe locker with death threats.
“You’re friends now?” Kise asked, skeptically.
“Mmmm,” said Murasakibara, blinking at the cotton candy in Kise’s hand. “Not exactly.”
“Is it because of Akashi-kun?” Momoi wondered.
“I’m only hanging out with Midorima because he brings food everyday,” said Murasakibara. “And I get to eat it after class.”
Kise looked at the raspberry torte on Midorima’s desk, and seriously, Oha Asa’s lucky items were getting more out of hand everyday. “I see.”
“Look at the bright side,” said Momoi, cheerfully. “If this goes on, we can open a bakery instead.”
4.
In third year, Midorima accurately predicted the destruction of the club room. To be honest, it was more telling when you saw first-hand how Aomine and Murasakibara’s combined laziness and Akashi and Momoi’s sudden out-of-town trip to a youth congress would amount to absolutely nothing good, but everyone else marveled at Midorima and took to calling him one of the few wonders of the school.
Midorima still didn’t take kindly to being crowded by the occult club after class, but at least he got a lucky cauldron in exchange.
5.
Midorima wasn’t really that bad. He was unfailingly polite to his elders, offered help to anyone who needed it, and was the sort of boy anyone would like to bring home to their parents if only to prove that no, mother, I’m not a delinquent, here, have a dorky friend to prove it.
Also, Midorima’s sister was really, really hot.
“Think of it this way,” said Takao, mournfully. “This is practice for when one of us ends up marrying into the family.”
“I wish I thought with my head more than with my dick,” said Miyaji.
“Yeah,” said Takao, “me too.”
( Aomine/Momoi. In which Momoi is not that desperate for data. )
5 pieces of data Momoi never collected
1.
She knows he can cook. She just doesn’t think it’s good for her own pride if she writes down all the things he can do better than she can.
2.
Momoi never lists down all the girls that like Aomine from the first flush of fifth grade wonder to the more forward, more shameless ogling of high school. Not the ones that left chocolates on his desk or love letters left unanswered, unnoticed in his shoe locker, no.
She doesn’t think Aomine needed yet another thing to boost his ego, and she doesn’t have the heart to do more than feel sorry for those girls.
3.
She knows the number of shoes in Aomine’s closet, the sneakers littered across the steps, things his parents bought for him on an off-day, like they tried to give him something comforting in its newness, its scent, things they couldn’t give him for some reason at that time.
She doesn’t like to ask why, because she’s afraid to ask.
4.
Once she’d fished around his drawers for something to watch. Then she learned to never open that brown paper bag stuffed with CDs ever again.
At least, not in front of her parents.
5.
She knows all the idols he stalks online, all the gravure models he likes to talk about with Kise.
It’s just. She doesn’t like it when he talks like a boy, that’s all.
addendum:
“I don’t see why size is relevant to me,” says Momoi.
“It’s relevant to me,” says Aomine, desperately. “Satsuki, I have to know.”
“I’m not that kind of girl,” Momoi squawks, clutching her bag to her chest. “And anyway, why don’t you just peek when you’re in the bathroom together?”
“I’m not a pervert,” says Aomine.
Momoi stares at him.
“It’s for my self-esteem,” Aomine plows on. “Think of my pride. What if I can never play basketball again.”
“I hope your ass hits the door on your way out,” says Momoi. Stupid, stupid Dai-chan.
( Gen. In which Aomine is not to blame for everything. )
5 times Aomine was sent to the faculty room/principal’s office for something that was someone else’s fault
1.
“Oh, how on earth did this end up in Aominecchi’s gym bag,” were the first words out of Kise’s mouth when Aomine ducked out of the showers.
“Dai-chan,” said Momoi, all limpid eyes and hunched shoulders, “how could you.”
“That was all Kise’s fault,” said Aomine.
“You had Tetsu’s socks in your bag,” said Momoi, aghast at his depravity.
“There’s such a thing as taking a foot fetish too far,” said Kise, making sympathetic sounds at the back of his throat. Kuroko and Momoi seemed to shudder and deflate.
“I was framed,” Aomine insisted.
“I never want to talk to Aomine-kun again,” said Kuroko, and went off to find Akashi.
2.
“I told you,” said Aomine, glaring balefully at Murasakibara and the charred remains of his uniform jacket, “that damn chem teacher should never have made us lab partners. Ever.”
3.
“There are three sports teams and two clubs at the infirmary for food poisoning,” said Midorima. “Would anyone care to explain?”
“You should have told me Satsuki made those cupcakes,” said Aomine, in his defense. “I was only following orders.”
“Good job, Daiki,” said Akashi, and shoved him into the student council’s room.
4.
“I just wanted to know if Ryou really had a dick,” said Aomine. “Was that so bad?”
“You realize you’re going to have to marry him now because his purity is tainted,” said Imayoshi, to the ceiling.
“Fucking idiot,” said Wakamatsu, raising his hands in aggravation.
“I still can’t believe he’s bigger than I am,” said Aomine, depressed.
Imayoshi buried his face in his hands. Only a year, and then he could fob him off to Wakamatsu.
If only it didn’t feel like forever.
5.
“I wasn’t even alone,” Aomine griped at the unfairness of it all. “Tetsu was with me when we let loose a pack of dogs in their gym.”
“At least Kagami-kun is incapacitated from the trauma,” Imayoshi conceded, and patted his back. “We should have thought of this weeks ago.”
“Tetsu says thank you,” reported Momoi, “oh, and he also says Kagamin knows where you live so you should watch your back.”
“Fucking Tetsu,” Aomine groaned. “Why is it always my fault?”
“Because, Dai-chan,” said Momoi, “it really, really is.”
( Kise/Midorima. In which Kise gives the weirdest presents. )
Your crazy person is waging war against our crazy person, Takao sent Kasamatsu in the middle of fifth period, send help.
Kasamatsu stared at his phone, wishing he’d never opened it in the first place. What the hell did Kise do now, he replied, squirming in his seat when sensei fixed a steely glare at him, the kind that said know that I judge you so much right now but I won’t call you out just yet because you are a senior studying for exams and that in itself is hell, so I’ll wait until graduation before I kick your disrespectful ass. Sensei kept giving him that look ever since Kise happened.
He keeps stuffing nutcrackers in Shin-chan’s shoe locker, Takao texted back. I don’t understand. Is it symbolic? Does he want to crack Shin-chan’s nuts or something, because I don’t know what the hell they did in middle school but that is just crossing a line.
Oh my god, stop, Kasamatsu said, and blocked Takao forever.