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To love is to realize that sometimes, love is not enough.
Gem realized this slower than most. She had always thought love was straightforward; sure, there would always be ups and downs, but how hard could it really be? You loved and never let anything stop you. Especially not something as silly as a game.
When she had been invited to play, she had accepted without much thought. Everyone she knew seemed pretty involved, and seemed to have fun- Impulse would come back tired, but he would smile and tell stories to her before turning in for the night. Etho and Bdubs seemed wary, but they found it in them to chuckle and reenact moments from their time in the games. If her friends could manage, why not? What would possibly keep her from having some fun, taking a break from building and instead honing her skills?
So, spawning into Secret Life, she was beyond happy to see Pearl there.
Pearl and Gem had been close for a long time. Joining Hermitcraft during the same season, enduring Grian’s chaotic pranks, eating soup together in their bases- over time, they had developed a friendship that Gem sometimes thought teetered on that definition. Maybe a few of the things they did, like humming each other’s favorite songs or quick, silent glances in conversations with others, blurred the line of friendship. Either way, no matter how gorgeous Gem thought Pearl was, what overtook her most was excitement. The chance to play a game with Pearl, having fun for a few weeks, sounded too good to be true.
Gem understood that it was too good to be true. To start, the two were separated; Pearl had her Mounders, and Gem had her Scotts. Despite all her begging and pleading, which Gem could now admit were more serious than she had let on, Pearl had stayed firm on her own side. Gem stayed on hers.
Which was whatever. They were both independent people, allowed to make their own choices. Maybe it made Gem’s heart ache a little, seeing Pearl laughing with Bdubs instead of her. But jealousy is the thief of joy, and hell, it was just a game anyway. Soon enough, they would all be back on Hermitcraft, and Gem could eat soup and giggle hysterically with Pearl again.
Gem had played the game well, if she did say so herself. The zombie apocalypse was her doing, something not even heard of prior to Secret Life. Working with allies and commanding armies, slashing with her sword, made her feel so alive. And when she finally got the chance to speak with Pearl in private, to ride the camel together and laugh just like before, she had almost felt high. Being around Pearl was like floating in the clouds, too far up to see the ground but so breathtaking that all she could do was enjoy it. Gem really didn’t understand the strange looks people gave her during the game, as though they were mourning her while alive. Secret Life was incredible, something she had never even gotten close to experiencing.
At least, she had thought so.
She had thought Secret Life was fun, just like she had thought love was straightforward. Gem had gotten too lost in the small moments of joy to remember that this was a game people fought to win in. The thought had never crossed her mind that Pearl might want to score higher than her, even if she couldn’t win.
So when Pearl pulled out her bow, stood next to Scar like the moon next to the Earth, Gem’s heart had dropped. She had felt sick to her stomach as the arrows pierced her skin, leaving bleeding marks that no longer regenerated in the vast plains of Secret Life. No matter how loud she cried out, Pearl still managed to claim that Gem was making her do this, that it was how these things went, that truly, she loved her.
And maybe it was foolish, but Gem didn’t believe her.
Gem didn’t believe that it was so easy to throw love away. How could it be? If you loved, then you won. Scott had loved and won, even if it took a couple tries- hell, he had never stopped loving. He had shown Gem love when he gave her his hearts. And Pearl had won, even with the lack of love, so why did she turn it away now? How could beautiful, caring, kind Pearl, shoot Gem with arrows and claim she felt sorrow?
When Gem had woken up, back in bed in her castle, she cried. She screamed and cried and threw the candle at her bedside towards the window. She ripped the blankets off of her, suddenly too hot for her freezing body, and began to pace, clawing at her hair. Pearl was still in that damn game, still fighting something she had already won. With only two people left, it was bound to be over soon.
She ran downstairs and found an empty barrel to puke in. Pearl would be back, and Gem would have to go back to being normal, to pretending everything was just fine.
Love was straightforward. Love was felt no matter what, and you did anything in the name of it. Love was never weak enough to allow you to kill that person.
Gem took her hair out of the messy braid it had fallen into during the deep, weeks-long slumber her body endured in order to play the game. She carefully rebraided it, marched back up the stairs, changed back into her dress, and began to cry again.
Her communicator buzzed from its place on the floor, screen cracked from being thrown. Gem refused to touch it. She knew what it would say, what it would mean, and she would rather die again than read it.
She shouldn’t even be upset. Who cared? It was a game, and she had chosen to play. Pearl had done the same. She could make her own choices without thinking about Gem, even if it made her stomach twist into knots. Impulse came back sad, but he still did work and pushed through. Him and Bdubs had friendly conversations, understanding that being Red does something to you.
But Gem had been Red. She had been Red, and it never even occurred to her to aim her sword at Pearl.
Maybe it was one-sided. Gem had thought they were more than that, thought maybe one day they could be more. She had thought because she loved Pearl, Pearl could love her, no matter where they were, no matter how hard things got. It was Gem’s fault for viewing things as something they weren’t. Falling for your best friend was a doomed thing to begin with.
Gem wiped the tears from her face, rubbing her eyes harshly, hoping that the red wouldn’t be visible. The last thing she needed was to be interrogated by Etho or Cleo, to be pitied for not knowing. Picking up her tools and forcing her elytra on her back, Gem began to get back to work. The world didn’t stop because she was upset. There were buildings to finish, shops to restock. She wouldn’t let love stop her from that anymore.
*
For some forsaken reason, Gem had accepted to play in Real Life and Wild Life.
She didn’t know why. There was a kind of pull, a comforting feeling to message Grian and say yes. The chance of winning was like gambling- unlikely to happen, but you keep going anyway.
And for some even worse reason, Pearl couldn’t even look her in the eyes. She was sad, Gem knew, and felt guilty. But if she felt guilty, she shouldn’t have killed her in the first place. She shouldn’t have picked up her bow and shot her. Pearl shouldn’t have turned her back on Gem in the very beginning, if she knew how the games went and how quickly the tides could turn.
Pearl had never tried to apologize. It wouldn’t make sense to, really. How would that go? Sorry for murdering you, Gem, but I love ya! Gem already knew how she would respond; a slice to the chest and a quick walk away. Maybe it was for the better that Pearl was bad at feelings.
So, instead of entertaining Pearl’s guilt, Gem continued on. She kept her head held high, handed out gifts and made it known she loved. Love paid off, after all. Gem stood her ground and made room for herself, kept her lives close and her friends closer. She would not be stolen again, not have her hope snatched from her like her friends’. It was hers, and she would keep it that way.
Pearl tried to speak to her, even if not to apologize. She was different this season, more ready to bother and open to steal. From word of mouth, Gem knew that she was having difficulties coping with Cleo and Scott’s jabs about Double Life. The thought made her giggle, a more hysteric reaction than anything. Poor, poor Pearl. A winner, yet she still didn’t have love.
And then suddenly, in the blink of an eye, Gem was back on a camel again. She was with Pearl, laughing and taking advantage of her loss of voice, claiming that yes, Pearl would do anything for her. And for some reason, some cruel joke of a reason, Pearl had agreed.
Part of her, the hardened part from Secret Life, had broken that day. It was an impulse that made her say that once Pearl and Gem were both Red, they would have fun together again. It was stupidity that made her believe it, even if just for a moment. Gem longed for it, wanted to hug and laugh with Pearl easy again; she had pushed down the fury and frustration in order to be strong, but if Gem was anything, it was weak for Pearl.
Going so long without holding her hand, without drinking hot chocolate close to a fire next to her, was bound to take its toll on Gem eventually. And the worst part was that Pearl knew it. She knew just the way to wear her down, to get her to reach a point where the pain was softened into something warm again. Gem would die again for her, because that was her form of love, and Pearl was going to use it.
She should get off the camel, keep telling her friends to go after Pearl. Keep telling them that she was a rotten thief, a woman capable of stripping the world to code, someone who would be the death of her. But if Gem wanted anyone to kill her, it would be Pearl- because every time she looked at her, she could only see her Pearl. Gem knew here in Wild Life that whoever this was wasn’t her Pearl, wasn’t the pickle-obsessed builder with a heart of gold, but that meant nothing. Gem loved Pearl. And if Pearl had changed, who was she not to love that Pearl, too?
It was going to kill her. Love was not straightforward like she had thought. Love did not go away when bad things happened. Love was it’s own entity, stronger than those Watchers or Listeners, and it was even more merciless.
Pearl might not even be close to loving her, might not feel bad for the foul two vs one during Secret Life. But even knowing that, even remembering waking up from her first ever loss, remembering the heartbreak that still hadn’t quite mended, Gem wanted to love her. She wanted to love Pearl, no matter where they were or who they became.
So, not for the first time in her life, Gem let love win.