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“I’m gay.”
Silence settled on the room like fresh snow. Buck froze, his arm suspended over the kitchen corner. The mixing bowl filled with flour and sugar, forgotten.
“Oh-okay,” Buck choked out. He cleared his throat, glancing down at the eggs and milk growing warm on the counter.
Eddie tightened his jaw. “Okay?”
“Okay.”
Eddie turned his head and laughed, sharp and short lived. “That’s all you have to say? I tell you I’m gay and all you got is just okay?”
Buck sighed deeply, resuming his clenched hands by whisking the dry ingredients together in the bowl. He reached over and grabbed the carton of milk.
“I-I, Eddie. What do you want me to say? I’m a little shocked.”
Buck poured a cup of milk into the flour mixture before grabbing an egg to crack against the bowl.
“I want you to say it doesn’t change a thing between us,” Eddie admitted, his voice suddenly tight. He watched as Buck prepared his muffins, feeling frustrated by how casual this conversation is going.
“I know that’s what you want to hear,” Buck said, scooping batter into a prepared muffin tin. “You told me the same thing when I told you about Tommy.”
Eddie startled, taking a step back from the island. Buck finally looked up to meet his eyes. He frowned.
“I can’t say it doesn’t change a thing between us, because this basically changes everything .”
Buck tossed his spoon back into the mixing bowl. It clattered around, causing Eddie to wince. This wasn’t how he thought the conversation would go.
“What do you mean, Buck?”
“How long have you known?”
Eddie dropped his head. “I-I don’t really know. I guess I suspected something about me was different since I was, uh, a kid.”
“That long?” Buck asked, still frowning.
“Yeah,” Eddie blinked, his chest tightening. “I figured I never had to come to terms with who I was once I married Shannon. Didn’t matter how I truly felt, I was already married to a woman.”
Buck’s eyes turned down in pity. Eddie couldn’t stand to look at him anymore.
“But, you continued dating women even after Shannon left?” Buck asked, a doubting edge to his voice.
“It-it felt easiest at the time. I only knew my faith. And my faith told me to keep those parts and desires hidden. So I did. Or, at least I tried.”
Buck hummed in response. Eddie continued, trying his best to keep his voice from breaking.
“A-and then a Priest told me that I’m allowed to feel joy. Seemed so silly at the time, but…” Eddie cracked a sad smile. “It felt like a wake up call.”
Sighing, Buck nodded. He swept his hands over the counter, collecting speckles of flour that missed the bowl earlier. Eddie allowed his eyes to flicker across Buck’s face. He wasn’t sure how to read him right now.
“I wish you would’ve told me sooner. I feel blindsided by missing such a huge part of your life,” Buck admitted, voice low.
“I don’t think I even knew, until recently,” Eddie pleaded. “I’m-I’m sorry.”
Buck brushed his hands together and walked over to Eddie’s side of the island. Although Buck felt his thoughts spiraling, he needed to be a friend right now. Eddie needed a friend.
“C’mere. Don’t be sorry,” Buck hushed. His arms reached out and embraced Eddie in a deep hug. Eddie immediately melted into him, the side of his head resting against Buck’s shoulder.
“I-I was really scared to tell someone this,” Eddie whispered, his hands shaking around Buck’s body.
“Hey,” Buck pulled back, but kept his hands on Eddie’s shoulders. “It’s okay. This is kind of a lot for me to process right now but… but this doesn’t change a thing between us. Alright?”
Eddie laughed lightly, a bit of tension finally leaving his body. “Y-yeah. Okay, Buck.”
Buck’s lips quirked into a small smile. “So, you staying until these muffins are done, or?”
—
Eddie eventually came out to everyone on the Team a couple weeks later. Of course, they were all overwhelmingly supportive. Hen claimed to have suspected the whole time and Chimney followed close behind.
“I did sense this was coming,” Chim had said during lunch one shift.
Hen scoffed. “Yeah, okay. You barely knew when Buck started dating Tommy.”
“I’m observant!” Chim countered.
Eddie smiled to himself, feeling shy but also unbelievably happy. Buck couldn’t help but watch him from across the table, admiring his soft face and all consuming eyes.
“What about you, Buck? I’m guessing you knew the whole time, too?” Chimney asked, breaking Buck away from his day dreaming.
“I- no. I was pretty surprised,” Buck said, tilting his head at Eddie. “He had us all fooled.”
“Even myself,” Eddie admitted, laughing softly.
Hen and Chim exchanged a thoughtful glance. Buck wondered how long until Eddie dove into the dating pool again, this time with men. He dreaded the thought.
—
“Okay, so wait,” Maddie said, staring at Buck with an odd expression. “Are you or are you not happy for Eddie?”
Buck sighed and took a sip of his wine, contemplating his answer. “I… of course I’m happy for Eddie. He’s discovering himself, just like I did with Tommy. I just… I think he needs guidance.”
Maddie raised an eyebrow. “Guidance from who? You?”
Buck laughed suddenly, but then stopped. He slapped a hand over his mouth. “Wait, maybe?”
“Evan,” Maddie sighed, her face falling flat. “What is going on? Ever since Eddie came out as gay, you seem… devastatingly flustered.”
Scoffing, Buck rolled his eyes. “What? No. I’m not. I’m just, still so shocked. I mean, are you not?”
“Of course it’s surprising, but why is this such a big deal to you?” Maddie asked, frowning.
“Because!” Buck said, exasperated. “Because I thought I knew him. And now… this changes everything between us.”
Maddie shook her head. “No, it doesn’t. Eddie is still your best friend. You two are inseparable. I doubt this changes much.”
Buck paused, his lips slightly parted. He’s unable to bring himself to say the words. He can’t. He won’t.
“Wait,” Maddie whispered knowingly, her eyes growing wide. “Unless…”
“Don’t,” Buck breathed. He tightened his jaw. Saying it out loud makes it real and Buck cannot make this real. Unfortunately, his sister’s initiation isn’t a force to be reckoned with.
“Buck,” Maddie sighed, drawing out his name with understanding.
He scratched the back of neck. His body tingled and ached with this feeling rising inside him. His eyes pickled with tears.
“I can’t tell him,” Buck said, voice thick with emotion.
“Why not?” Maddie reached out and rested a hand on Buck’s knee. “Why can’t you?”
“Because,” Buck began, his voice cracking. “I’ve gone our whole friendship knowing I could never have him in that way. I’ve accepted this. I made peace with myself. And now… I don’t know what to do. Or how to feel? I can't get my hopes up to be let down again.”
Maddie nodded sympathetically. “But this is Eddie. I’m sure if you told him how you’re feeling, he’d understand.”
Buck swallowed and dropped his head. He swirled the wine around in his glass, mimicking how he felt inside.
“I want to believe you. I do,” He started. “But seeing him going on dates with other men is…” Buck cringed at the thought. “I-I just don’t think it’s that simple anymore.”
Lips turning up into a small smile, Maddie squeezed Buck’s knee reassuringly. “Like I said, this is Eddie. I think it’s best to be honest.”
Buck smiled in return. He appreciated his sister’s optimism, despite how he felt. “Thanks, Mads.”
“And besides,” Maddie began, withdrawing her hand and taking a sip from her wine glass. “You and Eddie would make the cutest couple.”
“Ugh. Stop,” Buck groaned, rolling his eyes and playfully poking his elbow into Maddie’s side.
He’ll have to trust that she’s right, for his own sanity.
—
“Buck? What about you? You coming?”
Buck’s eyes came into focus, his attention snapping to Eddie sitting beside him on the couch at the fire station. His dark eyes glistened, clearly waiting for Buck's response to something.
“Earth to Buck,” Hen said, waving her hands in front of him. “Were you even listening?”
“O-oh, no, sorry. What?”
He noticed Eddie gave him a quick smile, but it faded fast. To be honest, Buck zoned out their conversation a while ago. He couldn’t stand to listen as Eddie described his most recent date. Unfortunately, the guy he went to dinner with sounded great. Hen couldn’t wait to hear all the details. Buck wanted to jump off the loft’s balcony.
“Are you free tonight?” Eddie asked, gently. Buck couldn’t read his expression again. Maybe a mix of regret and embarrassment.
“Y-yeah. I should be free. We’re off tomorrow, right?”
“Yes,” Hen confirmed, slightly annoyed at having to repeat herself. “So, you’re meeting us at Redz then?”
Buck opened his mouth to protest, but hesitated when he noticed Eddie’s brightened face. This would be Eddie’s first time at a gay bar.
“S-sure. Why not?” Buck finally said, smiling politely.
Eddie’s grin grew wider, excited eyes meeting Hen’s. Buck wanted to disappear into the couch, but seeing Eddie this excited drove sparks under his skin. He tried convincing himself that this could be good. Buck could handle seeing Eddie dance and flirt with men at a bar… right?
After Hen got called away by Bobby for help, Eddie turned to him and smiled.
“I could pick you up at 8?”
“Y-yeah. Sure,” Buck said. He couldn’t help returning Eddie’s wide smile with one of his own.
“What are you going to wear? I’m not really sure what looks good.”
“You’d look good in anything.”
Eddie breathed a laugh. Buck could tell he was nervous. “T-thanks, man. Maybe I could stop by at 7:30 and you could help me? I’ll bring a couple outfits.”
Buck swallowed, butterflies tickled his chest. He did his best to keep them caged. “Yeah, yeah, for sure. Bring me your best fits.”
Eddie stood from the couch, quickly patting Buck on shoulder before stepping away. “Thanks, Buck. You’re the best.”
Thankful for Eddie walking away, Buck allowed himself to be excited. His cheeks flickered red and hot. He let himself enjoy it.
—
“Um, no way.”
“I think it’s hot?”
“Yeah, maybe a hot mess.”
Eddie frowned, throwing his arms down in defeat. Buck did his best to hold back laughter when Eddie showed up with two outfits. The one he’s wearing now is practically a suit and tie. Adorable, but not fitting for a casual bar night out.
“It looks like you’re going to a wedding. Didn’t you bring anything more casual?”
Eddie scratched at his neck, attempting to loosen his tie. “A… turtleneck sweater?”
Buck sighed, a grin spreading across his face.
Eddie groaned, his fingers working to undo his tie and slide it from his collar. “I told you I needed help.”
“Don’t be so nervous,” Buck said, stepping forward and helping Eddie unbutton his dress shirt. Eddie groaned again, slouching slightly as Buck's busy fingers made their way down his shirt. As he unbuttoned past his chest, Buck could feel his cheeks starting to burn. Curse his face for giving everything away.
“So, now what should I wear?” Eddie said, voice low and hoarse suddenly. Buck glanced up as he finished popping out the last button. Eddie’s face was flushed and pink creeped around his ears.
Buck turned around, an attempt to hide his pounding heart. He threw open his closet doors and started sifting through the hangers. “Let’s see what I have for you. Hm?”
—
“Finally!” Hen exclaimed as Buck and Eddie greeted them at the bar.
“Look at you two! Did you try matching on purpose?” Karen asked, smirking knowingly at them both. She embraced Buck and then Eddie in a welcoming hug.
Buck smiled, feeling sheepish. After another 20 minutes of trying on different combinations of shirts and pants in Buck’s apartment, they finally agreed on what to wear. Eddie chose a casual short sleeve button down with white and black print, half unbuttoned (Buck’s request), and brown slacks. Buck decided on a plain white t-shirt and a black jacket, left open, with blue jeans. Neither of them had realized they unintentionally coordinated their outfits.
“So, it’s Eddie’s first time at a gay bar,” Hen teased, wiggling her eyebrows at Karen and Eddie.
Karen smiled excitedly and squeezed Eddie’s shoulder. “How exciting! Well? What are you waiting for? Get a drink and lets dance!”
While Karen and Eddie meandered their way toward the bartender to order a drink, Hen settled back into her chair with a worried look fixed on Buck.
“What?” Buck eventually asked, drawing out the word.
“What’s going on with you? You seem... different.”
Buck rolled his eyes while his stomach did somersaults. “Nothing’s different with me.”
Hen raised an eyebrow. “Nothing? Nothing’s different when your best friend of many years comes out as gay unexpectantly?”
Buck winced at her bluntness. He wanted to put on a mask this evening but Hen is already peeking around the sides.
“Hen,” Buck sighed, rubbing his face with his hands.
“What?” She asked, mock innocence. “You think it isn’t obvious that you have feelings for him?”
Buck almost fell out of his chair. He gripped the edge of the table, his knuckles turning white.
“I don’t- I didn’t- How-“
Hen raised a hand, a sly smile spreading her lips. “Save it, Buckley. I know who you are.”
Before Buck could even process what Hen was saying, Eddie and Karen returned to their table. Eddie placed a bottle of beer in front of him, completely clueless to their conversation just seconds ago. Buck couldn’t look anywhere except down at his shoes. If Maddie and Hen already knew… who else does? Has he really been this oblivious?
“Ah! I love this song!” Karen laughed, wrapping an arm around Hen’s side, pulling her away from the table and toward the dance floor.
Hen quickly winked at Buck before allowing Karen to pull her away. He watched as they found an open space on the floor, their arms wrapping around each other, smiles wide and carefree.
Eddie cleared his throat beside him. “Want to dance?”
Buck glanced over at him, his best friend, nervously grinning and peering around the bar. He admired Eddie’s bravery, in every way. Whether it’s on a call, with his son, or here and now, in a gay bar for the first time. Buck looked away as he blushed, admiration gripping tightly at his chest.
“Yeah, let’s go.”
—
The next few hours and several drinks flew by. Buck watched closely as Eddie mingled around a bit, but no one seemed too threatening to him. Every few minutes, Eddie would meet Buck’s eyesight and smile brightly. He couldn’t be happier, knowing Eddie still sought him out in a crowded room. Buck wondered why he was nervous coming here to begin with.
Until Jason showed up.
“Where’s Eddie?” Buck asked Hen over the loud music.
“Uhhh,” Hen looked around the dance floor, eyes narrow.
“With Jason!” Karen yelled with a smirk.
“Oh! Yeah, Jason,” Hen said, giving Buck a sorrowful shrug.
Buck felt his fingernails digging into his palms. He had to forcefully relax his muscles one by one as Karen explained who Jason was.
“They were dancing on each other a while ago. Think they went to the bathroom? Or maybe outside? Probably sucking face, I don’t know!”
Hen leaned over and planted a soft kiss on Karen’s forehead. A tender show of affection, but also a nudge to stop talking.
“What’s his problem?” Karen asked, her voice faint as Buck already turned to walk away. He weaved his way through the packed crowd, mumbling apologies as he bumped into people. He needed air. Needed to breathe.
Buck threw himself out the doors, his feet hitting pavement as he crossed the sidewalk. Thankfully, outside the bar was pretty calm and only a few people passed by him. He did his best to even out his rapid breathing and sober his thoughts.
The night air cooled his skin and calmed his lungs. His head was buzzing with alcohol and ears ringing from the bar's loud music. As he walked a couple more blocks down the sidewalk, he almost tripped over Eddie's feet.
“Wh- Eddie? What are you doing?”
Eddie lazily peered up at Buck, his eyelids heavy and tired. He sat hunched over on the curb, his legs outstretched and arms limp at his sides.
“Jason left me out here,” Eddie said quietly, his words slurred.
Buck cursed under his breath. He reached down and hoisted Eddie to his feet, slinging an arm around his waist to steady him.
“We’re going home,” Buck stated, doing his best to hold onto Eddie and type on his phone.
“Home,” Eddie sighed, falling into Buck. Eddie rested his head against Buck’s shoulder, his breath heavy against his friend’s neck. If Buck weren’t absolutely furious with this Jason guy right now, he would’ve melted into a pile of mush. Eddie mumbled a few more words against Buck’s neck that he couldn’t understand. Buck shivered, trying not to think about how close Eddie’s lips were to his skin.
Once their Uber pulled up in front of them, Buck helped Eddie into the back seat. Buck sent a short text to Hen and Karen, letting them know they were on their way home. They rode to Buck’s apartment in a peaceful silence, with Eddie resting his tired head on Buck’s lap.
Eddie had no problem falling into Buck's bed once they arrived upstairs. He curled up beside Buck, sleep taking him easily. In contrast, Buck studied Eddie's face for hours, admiring the way his nose twitched as he dreamed.
—
“So,” Buck began, pouring two glasses of orange juice. “Wanna talk about what happened last night?”
Eddie peered up at him from the kitchen table. He squinted against the morning light, still a little hungover. Buck walked over with a plate of pancakes and then retrieved the glasses of juice.
“I honestly don’t remember much,” Eddie said, yawning. He grabbed a few pancakes and started slathering them with butter and syrup.
“I found you outside on the curb,” Buck said, frowning deeply. “You said Jason left you out there alone.”
Eddie paused for a second, a memory popping back into his head. “Oh, yeah. Jason.”
Buck started cutting into his pancakes, his fork scraping against the plate. He needed to control the frustration rising in his voice. “I can’t believe someone would do that. That’s rude and inconsiderate. You were way too drunk to be left alone outside like that.”
Eddie huffed out a laugh. “It’s fine, Buck.”
“No, it’s not.” Buck shook his head. “What if I hadn’t found you? Who knows what could’ve happened. Jason sounds like a real dick.”
Eddie peeked at Buck for a moment, a sly glance he almost missed. “Sounds like someone’s a little jealous.”
Dropping his fork, Buck scoffed loudly, a little too irritated again. “Jealous? No way. Jason sounds like a world class asshole. Seriously. How does he even compete?”
Eddie chewed slowly, a brief silence falling between them. “Compete with who?”
Buck’s mouth fell open. He dropped his head to hide the red crawling up his neck and cheeks. Shit, shit, shit.
“Compete with who, Buck?”
“T-that’s not what I meant,” Buck muttered, picking up his fork to busy his hands. He could feel Eddie’s heavy gaze eyeing him from across the table. Buck’s throat tightened as he mindlessly pushed his pancakes around the plate.
“Buck.”
Buck couldn’t look. He can’t.
“Buck. Look at me.”
Finally snapping his head up, the rest of the air in Buck’s lungs abruptly let. Eddie stared at him with those deep, dark brown eyes, a look Buck hasn’t seen in a while.
“What do you want from me,” Buck whispered helplessly. “What do you want me to say?”
“Promise me nothing is going to change between us,” Eddie said, his voice barely audible. Maybe he’s hoping that refusing to say it out loud makes it less true, too.
Buck paused, an eerie silence invading the space between them. The silence also buzzed with something else. Something new, intoxicating, and curious. He became suddenly aware of how close Eddie’s knees were to his. The smallest shift would cause them to brush together. All he’d have to do is… move.
“No,” Buck mumbled, blinking. “I can’t.”
Eddie cleared his throat and pushed his plate away from him. The scraping ceramic across the wooden table caused Buck to wince.
“And,” Eddie said, leaning forward, his voice suddenly thick and deep. “Why not?”
Swallowing, Buck weighed his options.
He chose joy.
Standing from the table, Buck took two steps towards Eddie, his fingers reaching to touch his jaw. Eddie gasped, the sudden movement causing his mouth to part in surprise. Maybe it was just instinctually, but Eddie’s hands found Buck’s hips. He squeezed gently, their eyes searching each other for unspoken permission.
“Can I… can I kiss you?” Buck whispered. His fingertips brushed along each side of Eddie’s jaw, the stubble scratching his palms. Thumping echoed in his ears, unsure whether it was his heart or Eddie’s.
“Please,” Eddie muttered, his eyelids fluttering low and heavy.
Taking a shaky breath, Buck leaned forward slowly, but his lips met Eddie’s with a crash. Buck imagined their first kiss together a hundred times. The curse of being in love with your straight (now gay) best friend. Buck pictured Eddie’s pretty pink lips on his more times than he wants to admit right now. None of which, he expected to feel like this.
A shaky moan escaped Buck’s throat as Eddie kissed him. Their lips moved against each others in a familiarity that surprised him. Eddie pushed his hands down on Buck’s hips, his desire to be as close as possible taking over. Buck tilted his head to take in more of Eddie’s mouth, their tongues brushing lightly. Allowing the sensation overtake him, he sighed against Eddie's mouth. He responded by grazing his teeth along Buck's lower lip, tugging at them lightly. Buck found his hands trailing up the back of Eddie’s neck, the soft hairs tickling between his fingers. He held on tight, hoping to ground himself as his head swarmed. He was kissing Eddie. Eddie Diaz. His best friend.
Buck pulled back suddenly, his hands falling to Eddie’s arms. Eddie hesitated to let go, but eventually pulled away too. Buck flushed, his eyes drawing to Eddie’s wet, red lips. His hands remained rigid against Buck’s hips, his fingers digging into a sweet spot Buck will never forget.
“What?”
“I-I didn’t know you felt the same about me,” Buck admitted. His ears and cheeks flared bright red. He also couldn’t ignore the way his body trembled as Eddie touched him.
“I didn’t know you felt this way about me ,” Eddie laughed, his eyes crinkling at the corners.
Buck laughed, the sensation rumbling deep inside his chest. Maybe saying it out loud was the best thing for the two of them after all. He glowed at Eddie, his Eddie.
“I’d like to kiss you again,” Eddie admitted, his voice damn near bashful.
“Please,” Buck breathed. His hands found Eddie’s waist and pulled him closer, their lips meeting once again.