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Tsukishima knows that something is wrong with him. He feels it in his head and his chest and throughout his nervous system. Waking up and breathing every day should not be this hard. He has been getting out of bed and brushing his teeth everyday since he was a toddler, but recently even that has been difficult.
He isn't dumb, he is sure what he is feeling is the result of some sort of mood disorder. But he has been battling with anxiety and depression since he was a teenager, and even that has never felt like this. It makes him nervous that something is actually, seriously, wrong with him.
He has friends and people he can reach out to about this. He tried talking to his brother about it, but he brushed him off with a "you're fine, you just need to rest more."
He can't rest. He has tried. He took a few days off from work and somehow found a way to make himself feel more overwhelmed. The days blurred together and the trash stacked up in his house and he spent more time in his bed than out of it. His rest was not all that restful and his brain feels like a cloud sitting in his head, each crevasse and corner filled with cotton, blurring his vision and stopping each train of thought in its steps.
There is something wrong with him. He thinks a lot about things he shouldn't be thinking about. Things that he hadn't let himself think about since he was young before his frontal lobe had developed. He thinks about hurting himself. He thinks about bridges and cars and guns and all sort of things that make his chest ache and his stomach hurt. Maybe those are the things he should have told his brother. Maybe then he would have taken him seriously.
He should go on a walk, but it's dark and it's cold and the trail that he usually walks on goes over a bridge that he fears may be a little too enticing. He should turn on the TV to distract himself but every TV show and movie seems boring and grey. He should journal, but writing his thoughts out on paper seems too real. Too scary. He has hobbies, he could read or grab the volleyball and head to the park, but these things don't excite him, not like they usually do.
He should call someone. Yamaguchi will always pick up his calls and listen to him. Even Kuroo seems to always drop everything when Tsukishima reaches out. But he feels like a burden, and his chest aches, and there is something very, very, wrong with him.
He goes to work and continues on and tries to ignore the fuzz in his head. It doesn’t work though, the fuzz only grows and the feelings get worse and more scary.
For a dumb moment, he almost considers going to the hospital. What would he tell them? Something is wrong with him but he doesn't know what? His head is filled with cotton? He want's to d-
That would surely get him checked into some institution, and he doesn't need or want that. He doesn't know what he needs or wants, but it defiantly isn't that.
He decides to call Kuroo. Their relationship has always been weird. Kuroo is one of the people he feels closest too, but not in a friend way like he feels for Yamaguchi, and not in a brotherly way either. There was a second there in high school where he and Kuroo kissed, and Tsukishima let himself think, for a moment, what it would be like if they together. But Kuroo graduated and Tsukishima focused on volleyball and school and that became a distant daydream.
They never quite let each other go though, Kuroo texted life updates every once in a while and always ended up showing up at training camps and, later, at professional games. Each time, Kuroo somehow ended up coercing Tsukishima out for drinks or for dinner, just the two of them. It was always easy to pretend that it was a date, that they were something more. But then, the next day, they each go on with their lives and nothing comes of it.
But every time he went out with Kuroo, Tsukishima felt grounded and real. Kuroo had a way of listening to him and looking at him and touching him in a way that made him feel human and he thinks he needs that right now.
"Tsukki!" Kuroo picks up the phone on the first ring. "You are calling quite late."
Tsukishima didn't even consider the time. He feels dazed and confused, he hardly knows what day it is, let alone the time. All he knows is that today, he went to work, came back, and has been stuck in his head ever since.
"Tetsuro." It's rare for Tsukishima to use Kuroos first name, and he hears Kuroo gasp and fumble on the other side of the phone. If he weren't so out of it, Tsukishima might have even laughed at him. He doesn't do that now, though, instead, he says his name again, and again, and again. Tetsuro, Tetsuro, Tetsuro it feels like the only real thing he has said all day. Maybe even longer.
"Tsuki-Kei, is everything okay?" Kuroo interrupts Tsukishima's chants of his name. Tsukishima leans his head against the back of his couch, then pushes his head up again only to bang it back down onto the soft cushion. He wants to hit his head on something harder, maybe then it will revert him back to normal.
"Kei?" Oh, Kuroo is on the phone.
Tsukishima takes a deep breath and says the words that have been rattling in his head all evening, "I think there is something wrong with me."
There are jostling sounds on the other end of the phone, like maybe Kuroo is moving around his apartment. "Why do you say that? Where are you?"
He feels his anxiety spike at the sound of worry in Kuroo's voice. Fuck, he shouldn't have called Kuroo. He is fine, he has felt like this for over a week at this point, maybe longer. He is only worrying Kuroo by bothering him with this, so late at night too.
"Kei?"
"I'm at home." Tsukishima's voice sounds off and floaty even to his own ears. He goes back to thinking about banging his head against a hard surface, a wall maybe, and scares himself with how he actually thinks it sounds like a good idea.
"Are you sober?" He asks, there is more rustling in the background, and maybe the sound of a door opening and closing. Does Tsukishima not sound sober? He sounds that messed up?
Tsukishima nods, then realizes that Kuroo can't see him and says instead, "Yeah, sober. I don't know what's wrong with me. Something is wrong, though."
"Okay, can you describe what you feel is wrong?" Kuroo asks, then tacks on like an after thought, "I'm heading to you. I should be there in about two hours."
Tsukishima doesn't even process what that means. Kuroo heading his way means that he is probably either taking the bullet train, or depending on how late at night it is, is taking his own car. They live kind of close to each other, close enough that they can see each other every other weekend time permitting, but not close enough that they can decide to see each other on a whim and without planning out train times. It feels validating, almost. If Kuroo can hear that something is wrong with Tuskishima, then maybe it isn't all in his head. There is something wrong, Kuroo knows it, and is coming to help him. Even still he feels guilty and his heart aches in his chest, "You don't need to come here."
"I'm already on my way," Kuroo replies quickly, as if expecting that. "Now, can you describe to me what you feel is wrong?"
It's hard to describe. He had been thinking about it all week, thinking about what he feels, even thinking about how to describe it to others, and every time he comes up short. He can't describe it in a way to successfully portray what he is feeling, but he tries anyways, for Kuroo. "I feel fuzzy. Almost like I was drugged or something, but I haven't been drugged. I feel two dimensional, like a cardboard cut out of myself. Nothing feels real and my chest aches and my finger tips and toes feel fuzzy and it feels like someone has filled my head with cotton balls."
Tsukishima realizes he is talking faster the more he says, and he also distantly thinks about how describing it is making him feel worse, he feels sick to his stomach almost like he needs to puke. But he can't do that, because he is worried that he is going to bang his head against the wall or the toilet bowl or something.
"I've been thinking bad things too," Tsukishima's voice comes out pathetic, like a whimper. "I want t-"
He stops himself. He can't tell Kuroo this because it will make him worry and he is two hours away from him. He doesn't want him to worry for two hours.
"Time is getting away from me," Tsukishima says instead, stopping his train of thought hoping Kuroo will let it go. "I didn't realize it was so late. You should stay home, Kuroo-san."
Thankfully, Kuroo doesn't say anything about his previous comment. He does confirm that he is coming though, and says, "Its not even that late, I promise. The last bullet train is still running. That means it's early."
That means its around 12 am, Tsukishima thinks to himself. Resentment and guilt adding itself to the other emotions filling his gut.
"Can you talk instead?" Tsukishima can't keep talking about what he is feeling, because he is only feeling bad, scary things and simultaneously nothing at all.
Kuroo takes it in stride and begins talking about work. Occasionally going of on tangents with office drama, who is dating who and who is jealous about what assignment. He ventures into talking about volleyball, about some new up and coming talented college kid and how he reminds him of himself. Talk of a younger self leads him to yap on about Bokuto and Akaashi. Akaashi has finally found a way around his contract and is moving to Osaka to live with Boktuo, "it's only a matter of time until Akaashi is pregnant with triplets."
The comment makes him snort, the only audible thing that has come out of him in the better part of an hour. Kuroo's phone must be dying, but he doesn't think he could take it if Kuroo stopped talking or, god forbid, hung up. So he says, "I think Bokuto would be the pregnant one," then lets Kuroo continue to talk about what he thinks Bokuto and Akaashi's kids would looks like and how seamlessly he would fit into a role of god-father/uncle.
On Kuroo's side of the line, he hears the quite intercom of the train say "next stop Aoba-ku station". He feels deep relief knowing that Kuroo is almost there, and he lets himself relax slightly.
He didn't realize that relaxing meant going deeper in his head. He feels entirely zoned out now, his breathing evening out almost like he is asleep but he is awake, his eyes are open. He can hear Kuroo speaking, but he can't make out the words. He wants to speak or grumble just to assure Kuroo that he is listening but he finds that he has gone entirely nonverbal.
It should be scary, he is scared, but he also doesn't feel anything at all. He curls himself deeper into the couch and listens to the sound of Kuroo's voice, who thankfully continues to talk. The next twenty or so minutes are spent in a blank haze, occasionally Tsukishima thinks to press his cold fingers onto his pulse, just to double check that he is alive.
The knock on his door startles him, mostly because he hears the knock twice once in real time, and another a second later through the lag on his phone. Kuroo's here, it's the first coherent thought he has had in a while. Kuroo is talking on the line, asking if Tsukishima is awake and if he could please open up the door. The banging gets a little louder and as Tsukishima comes back to himself he realizes how scared Kuroo sounds.
He drags himself off the couch to the door. He doesn't even get the chance to pull his hand away after unlocking it before it swings open and Kuroo is pulling him into a hug.
Tsukishima finds himself sinking into it. He brings his hands up behind Kuroo's back and fists Kuroos sweater into his palms. Tsukishimas head on Kuroo's chest, leaning into him in a way that makes him look and feel much smaller than he actually is. It takes him a second to realize he is crying, tears dripping onto the floor, onto Kuroos shoes. He never cries.
Kuroo smells good and he feels real against him. Tsukishima doesn't ever want to let him go. Kuroo is talking, but it sounds like gibberish to his ears. He lets Kuroo gently push him into his apartment and onto the couch. In the comfort of Kuroo's arm he lets himself drift away again.
When he comes back to himself, he finds that the room is bright now. He must have fallen asleep, and now it’s morning. He is in his bed, apparently, with no recollection of how he got there but his sheets seem to be clean, smelling of his laundry detergent, and his room has been picked up from its trash and filth. When he was younger, his mom used to tell him about the house elf who cleaned while he was asleep. It was a story that was supposed to make you more appreciative of the work that parents do to make life easier for their children. Instead, all it did was teach Tsukishima that it was okay to leave his socks on the floor because the house elf would pick it up eventually.
It was a dumb story and an unproductive line of thought because memories from last night come rushing to him and he realizes that his house elf is Kuroo. Kuroo cleaned his house and his sheets and tucked Tsukishima into bed like a parent to a sick kid.
Maybe Tsukishima is a sick kid.
He feels better than he did yesterday. Still off and fuzzy, but at least now he can drag himself out of bed. He wonders what day it is. Did Kuroo have to take off work? Should Tsukishima call in himself?
"You're up!" Kuroo is grinning in the kitchen. The kitchen is so clean it doesn't even look like Tsukishima's kitchen. He wonders if Kuroo slept at all last night or if he just spent the whole night cleaning.
"You cleaned my house."
"It needed it." Kuroo says matter-of-factly, he rounds the counter and pulls Tsukishima into a side hug. "Are you feeling any better?"
Tsukishima shrugs and shoves his face into Kuroo's neck to breath him in, he smells like pine-sol and cleaning supplies and a little sweaty. Tsukishima shouldn't be as into it as he is. A part of him wants to crawl into Kuroo's skin and make a home inside of him where he doesn't have to think or be alive.
He sounds fucking psycho.
"When was the last time you ate?"
Tsukishima shrugs.
"How about showered?"
Another shrug.
Kuroo hums and pushes Tsukishima onto his stool at the kitchen counter. He was making oatmeal, it turns out, so he fills a bowl up with it and splashes some maple syrup and cinnamon on top before pushing it towards Tsukishima to eat and filling up his own bowl.
Tsukishima can only take a couple bites before he starts to feel sick. The kind of sick he feels with nerves, the kind of sick he feels when the anxiety bubbles up in his stomach and makes every touch feel like a livewire. He pushes the bowl away and gives Kuroo an apologetic look.
"That's okay, I'm glad you ate something. Do you feel sick? Is that what's going on? I can run down to the corner store and grab some cold medicine." Kuroo asks softly. He still doesn't understand what's wrong with Tsukishima. It makes two, because Tsukishima doesn't know either.
"I'm not sick. Physically, at least." Tsukishima brings his head to lean on Kuroo's shoulder. Kuroo lets him, even though it makes it harder for him to eat his oatmeal.
"Mentally then?"
Tsukishima nods, "must be."
Kuroo knows of his anxiety and occasional bouts of depression. But this has never happened before, it's unfamiliar to even Tsukishima, so it is no surprise that he doesn't quite know what to do or say. So they sit in silence for a second before Kuroo says quietly, "last night you said you were thinking bad thoughts."
Tsukishima hums and blushes a little, "It's dumb."
"If it is making you feel this way then it's probably not dumb," Kuroo responds. "Just tell me what you are thinking, I want to figure out how to make you feel better."
"That's the thing, I'm not really thinking or feeling much of anything." Tsukishima responds, "but then, randomly, I'll think and feel everything and I want to, like, bang my head against a wall to stop feeling and thinking. Or I'll want to... hurt myself or die or something because I feel so much but all nothing and also fuzzy and 2D."
He knows he isn't making any sense, and he also knows that he is worrying Kuroo. He leans his head forward and lets it bang on the counter, the throbbing in his forehead does nothing to make him feel like himself again.
"Will a shower make you feel better?" Kuroo asks, he shimmies his hand underneath Tsukishimas forehead, providing a cushion between it and the hard counter.
"Maybe," Tsukishima says, "can you... would it be weird to ask you to stay in the bathroom while I shower?"
Kuroo shakes his head, "nothing is too weird for me."
They wait for a while like that. Tsukishimas head against the counter, cushioned by Kuroos palm while his other hand spoons oatmeal into his mouth. They probably looks silly, Tsukishima feels silly at least, but he doesn't have it in him to move. Kuroos palm is warm and soft against his forehead. It feels like when his mom used to check his temperature when he was sick. The touch is nice.
When was the last time anyone had touched him before last night? He doesn't even know, but Kuroo touching him feels nice. He never wants them to stop touching.
Kuroo eventually finishes his oatmeal. He pushes his palm up against Tsukishimas forehead, forcing his whole body into an upright positions, moving him around and adjusting him like a marionette doll.
"Hey Tetsuro," Tsukishima asks as he is being manhandled to the bathroom, "What day is it?"
Kuroo squints at him, "...Saturday."
Tsukishima freezes, then frowns. They both stand frozen in the doorway of his room as Tsukishima thinks about the last time he went into work. He could have sworn it was yesterday, but yesterday was Wednesday, wasn't it?
There is no way a whole two days were... missing. Just like that. Did he go to work on Thursday? On Friday? Did he call off work? Did he just show up and bop around like a braindead toy or was he actually coherent enough to do his job? What does that mean for him, if he can just check out and loose time.
"When did I call you?" He asks, a little breathless with anxiety.
"Friday. What is wrong?" Kuroo begins to grow concerned, his grip on Tsukishimas arm tightens slightly.
Tsukishima flushes in embarrassment and shakes his head. There is really something wrong with him. "Where is my phone?"
Kuroo points to it on his bedside table, plugged into his phone charger. Tsukishima steps towards it, sitting on his bed and turning it on. There are no exciting notifications, none of his emails are of any concern. He has no phone calls for voicemails from his boss. In fact, he had messages his co-worker just yesterday about an exhibition they are working on. That must mean he went to work on Thursday and Friday and must not have acted out of the ordinary. The thought brings tears to his eyes. It feels like his body and his brain aren't his own, like something has possessed his body and taken it over. He places his phone back down on the bedside table and notices that his hand is shaking.
"Tsukki?" Kuroo is sitting beside him, he places his hand on Tsukishimas back.
"I don't even remember the last two days." Tsukishima says with a strangled voice, "The last thing I remember is going into work on Wednesday. Then I remember calling you last night but everything in between is a blur."
Kuroo frowns, "do you think you got some sort of head injury? Do you hurt anywhere?"
Tsukishima shakes his head. Other than the brain fog, he feels fine. Tired, maybe, but fine. Regardless, he lets himself be checked over by Kuroo for injuries, picking around his head for bumps and bruises, only to come up with nothing.
A head injury would have been too simple anyways. Tsukishimas life could not be so easy. Kuroo sighs, "Lets shower, then. Maybe being refreshed will help with your head."
Tsukishima grabs the coziest clothes from his dresser, he sees that he is still wearing his dress clothes from work on Friday (?), he is surprised that Kuroo didn't try to get him out of them sooner. In the bathroom, Kuroo is sitting patiently on the toilet. It makes Tsukishima blush a little. This is not how he had imagined them showering together, not that he had imagined it. He hasn't.
Kuroo closes his eyes while Tsukishima strips and gets into the warm shower. Kuroo is yapping the whole time. He doesn't want to admit how much his voice eases his anxiety.
As Tsukishima washes himself, he noticing things that should worry him. Bruising on his upper thighs in the shape of his own fist, red lines on his hips.
He's a fucking idiot. But seeing them brings back memories of a long night in the bathroom, panicking and doing anything he could to bring himself back down to earth. It's scary that he could forget such a thing happening. It's scary that it could happen again. He winces as he runs the washcloth across his hips.
"Everything okay?" Kuroo asks. Tsukishima thought he was being quiet, but maybe he was too quiet. Or maybe Kuroo was listening too intently.
Tsukishima sighs deeply, he has already invited Kuroo into this problem, he minus well commit to it. "If I show you something, do you promise not to freak out?"
"Uh... no?"
Tsukishima shrugs. That's enough for him. He peels back the curtain with one hand and cups his dick to cover himself with the other. Kuroo looks him over with a slight flush, before reaching his hips and visibly tensing.
"Yo-you said you felt fine!" Kuroo squeaks, he scoots to the edge of the toilet seat and brings his fingertips to the cuts on his hips. Tsukishima flushes and glares at the wall, he feels Kuroo's hand moving down his thigh. The warm touch makes him push Kuroo away and shut the curtain.
"I do feel fine!" Tsukishima snaps. He knows the attitude is unwarranted so he takes a deep breath and says, "I hardly even remember doing it. Must have been a couple of days ago, I was freaking out and I needed something to calm me down."
"You should have called me." Kuroo says quiet, sad.
"I did call you, remember." Strangely, bickering with Kuroo is making him feel slightly better, more himself. The cool shower has helped too, and he feels better than he had in a week. He feels like finally, he can take a deep breath.
The shower is fast and before he knows it he is sliding open the shower curtain again taking the towel Kuroo left form him and pretending not to see Kuroo's eyes glance down at his hips. Tsukishima brushes his teeth by the sink and he listens to Kuroo talk about the next couple of days, "I think I'm just going to stick around here for the next couple days, I have some vacation time too, so I can take a day or so off to be with you. I can even work remotely for a bit. I would have to travel back home to grab some of my work things but I can work something out."
Tsukishima spits out some toothpaste, "I don't need you taking care of me."
Kuroo shakes his head, "maybe not, but I would like to. I would spend my days worrying about you anyways, I minus well be worrying here, you know?"
He rinses out his mouth and decides to say nothing. What is he supposed to say to that? The truth of the matter is he is freaked out, he feels wrong and off and fuzzy. Kuroo being here has already helped him out immensely, and he doesn't want to think about what would happen if Kuroo left. Would it happen again? Would he loose time? Hurt himself? Worse?
The truth is, he is glad that Kuroo is here. So he lets him stay.
Together they plan out the next week. Tomorrow, Tsukishima is going to ask his brother or Yamaguchi to hang out with him for the day while Kuroo goes home to bring back some work things and extra clothes. They are both going to take Monday off work where Tsukishima is going to go to an emergency appointment to his general practitioner and his therapist (who he hasn't seen for weeks) to hopefully sort out what is wrong with his head.
Tuesday, Tsukishima is going to attempt to go to work with the knowledge that he can take a sick day if he needs to. Kuroo is going to be working from home from Tsukishima's table.
Eventually, Kuroo is going to have to go back to his life. Eventually, Tsukishima is going to have to be alone. But for now, he has Kuroo. For now, he is at ease.