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In their first year at the Teufort base, the mercs had woken up to many wild things. The kitchen table on fire, Scout taped to the ceiling fan, the TV on fire, at least thirteen raccoons smuggling food out of the pantry, Engie sleeping inside of the fridge (twice), the toilet on fire…
So to say finding the kitchen adorned with an obnoxious number of blue and white balloons while Demo loudly sang something only just resembling English was the top of that list would be untrue. However to say it was what anyone was expecting to see first thing on a Saturday morning, would also be a lie.
Scout was the first awake as usual, coming into the kitchen in his usual running kit, stopped in his tracks by the sight before him.
“Hey, uh, whatcha doing? Ain't you normally just passin out around now?” Scout asked Demo who was standing next to a large pile of potatoes.
“Not today, lad” Demo smiled, pointing a peeler at him. “Too much to do!”
“Okay…” Scout looked at him, confused. He pointed to the gaudy decorations. “Did you do all this?”
“Looks pretty banger, right?” Demo asked, a look of pride on his face.
“Yeah, it's…Are you, uh, making breakfast or something?”
“No, this is supper”
“That means dinner, right?
“Aye”
Scout checked the clock. 6AM.
“Ok man, good talk” he turned around and headed straight to the medbay to see Medic at his desk.
“Good, you're awake”
“Oh, ja. Is it morning? I must have gotten carried away. I found the most fascinating use for human blood!”
“Let's put a pin in that. Demo’s awake”
Medic looked at the clock, furrowing his brows.
“At this hour? Highly unusual but by no means a medical emergency” he shrugged.
“He's in the kitchen trying to make dinner surrounded by a billion balloons. I think he mixed scrumpy and pills again or something”
Medic sighed.
“Heavy! Fetch the stomach pump!”
“Da” Heavy said sleepily from another room. He emerged a moment later, funnel and tube in hand, still in his pyjamas.
Medic picked up a few things and the three walked toward the kitchen together, hearing more voices as they approached.
“I reckon I could make an automatic peeler” Engie was holding up a potato, turning it too and fro in his hand as he stood next to Demo. “Don’t know why I didn't think of this sooner”
“It'd save me a job, I'm gonna be here for hours”
Medic cleared his throat and Demo looked at the three of them, excitement immediately taking over him.
“Heavy found the beer bong! Now we've got ourselves a real party!”
“Herr Demo, are you feeling well?”
“Aye, grand. Even better if I could get a hand with these tatties”
“See? He's talkin’ crazy” Scout gestured with both hands.
“What's this now?” Engineer asked.
“Demo, he's lost it. He's awake and he's making dinner in the morning and now he's making up words”
“You're off your head, what's wrong with tatties?” Demo asked, offended
“Pretty sure it just means taters” Engie supplied helpfully.
“Ok, but what about being awake so early?”
“I'm no allowed to be awake?” Demo asked, somewhere between dumbfounded and offended.
“Mmpphh mphmmphph”
“Oh, hey Py. Didn't see you there”
Pyro waved from the corner of the room where they were sat on the floor using a marker to draw faces on a balloon and two potatoes.
“Pyro is right, usually you are resting at this hour” Medic supplied.
“Had to get up early to get all of this done” he gestured to the table full of ingredients.
“Why do you cook so early?” Heavy asked.
“It's St. Andrews day!”
The mercs looked around at each other for any sign someone knew what that meant.
“What's that?” Scout finally asked amidst the confusion?
“Are you kidding me? You of all people should know!”
“Me? The hell did I do? I don't know this Andrew guy”
“ You made us all celebrate St. Patrick's day” Demo explained, putting another peeled potato into a pot of water.
“Damn right I did! That's an important American holiday”
Demo tried to climb over the counter to get to Scout but was stopped by Engie putting a hand on his shoulder. He conceded, silently seething with his arms crossed as Engineer calmly spoke.
“Scout, why would you think that's an American holiday?”
“Been celebrating it since I was a kid, the whole of Boston does it up big. Doesn't everywhere?”
“Aye, especially Ireland” Demo muttered.
“Hey, my family are from there!” Scout exclaimed excitedly.
The mercs looked at him expectantly, but he just looked around confused.
“What?”
“Dummkopf” Medic put his head in his hand.
“It's an Irish holiday, Scout” Engie explained. “Americans celebrate it because a lot of them are Irish”
“Oh. So it’s Scottish St. Patricks day?”
“Call it that again and I’ll gut you” Demo threatened. “But aye”
“Sweet! I'll get my green shirt”
Engie made a cut it out gesture to Scout but it was too late, Demo launched a potato at Scout which he jumped quickly out of the way of.
“Ok, ok! No green, got it!” Scout held his arms up in defense, trying not to trip over Pyro who was crawling after the thrown potato.
Just then Sniper walked in through the patio door, water carrier in hand, and looked around at the mercs. He stopped at Heavy, loosely pointing in his direction.
“Bit early for the beer bong, ain't it?”
“It’s not-” Medic tried, defeated, but was cut off.
“It’s Scotland day, you can’t wear green or he throws potatoes at you. Also potatoes have a new name” Scout surmised, half yelling the summary at Sniper despite him not asking.
“...Alright…”
“I’ll explain properly later. For now if anyone would mind giving me a hand with all this veg I’d be grateful” Demo spoke again, increasingly exasperated.
“Heavy will help”
“I gotcha, son”
The mercs gathered round, picking up vegetables to peel or at least pretending to look busy.
“What’s this thing?” Scout asked, picking up a particularly large vegetable. “It’s heavy”
“Looks like turnip but…colour is wrong” Heavy deduced.
“That there’s a rutabaga” Engineer tapped it with a gloved hand.
“Down under we call that a swede” Sniper chimed in. “Mum used to put them in casseroles"
“Not today lads” Demo picked up another one, holding it out for them all to see. “This here is a neep. You eat it with your tatties and haggis. At Halloween you carve them into tumshie lanterns”
“You do not have pumpkins?” Medic asked from across the room where he was admiring Pyro’s potato people.
“We do, neeps are just traditional”
“Youse have got some crazy words, man” Scout laughed as he struggled to peel the hard vegetable.
“Don’t make me throw more vegetables at you” Demo threatened.
“I’ll do it” Sniper offered, picking up one of the larger neeps. “Got better aim, plus I reckon I could do some real damage with this thing”
“The two of you, either help out or scram. Demo wants to do something nice here” Engie reprimanded, reaching over to pluck the vegetable out of Sniper's hand.
“Ok”
“Sorry Truckie”
They worked together, chatting idly as they peeled the mountain of vegetables. Fourty minutes later they finished, looking on at the two massive pots.
“Right, that's half a job, now to chop”
“You gotta be kidding me” Scout threw himself on the sofa.
“Stop that, you will break something” Spy scolded as he walked into the kitchen, halting as he looked up and was assaulted by the decor. “Ah, yes. Today is the holiday”
“You are familiar?” Medic asked, shocked.
“Why of course! I am a man of the world after all”
“I asked him where I could get haggis. He didnae have a clue before last week”
Spy cleared his throat. “Yes, well, you got your haggis did you not?”
“Aye, cheers mate. You're all gonna love it”
“What's haggis? Is it an animal?” Scout asked.
“Used to be. Now it's supper”
“Are they native to Scotland? Or do we get Haggises in the US too?” Scout asked, genuinely curious.
“Haggis ain't-” Engineer tried to clarify but Demo stopped him.
“They're wee animals that roam the highlands, about the size of one of Sollys raccoons. Actually no, I'd say a wee bit smaller most of the year, but their winter coat makes them look a larger. They're usually brown so they can camouflage into the woodlands, but they turn white in the winter to blend into the snow”
“They change colour?” Scout asked, amazed.
“Well, their winter coat grows in that colour, then they malt back to brown. So I guess in a way. Also every Scot has a government mandated pet haggis that they raise until their twelfth birthday”
“What happens on their twelfth birthday?” Scout was completely entranced by the tale, oblivious to the mercs around him stifling giggles and exchanging looking.
“You have to kill them, and then you use the meat to learn how to prepare and cook them. It's frowned upon for children to cook haggis before this”
“What?! That's horrible!”
“It's tradition. It teaches you to respect the wildlife and the order of things. As much as I'll always miss my little Murphy, she made a fantastic meal that fed my family for three days” Demo said with a sadness in his voice that had the others hiding their faces as to not blow the ruse.
“Whoa, that's crazy. You got any pictures of them?”
“It is highly illegal to photograph the haggis” Spy played along. “Most do not know of this elusive creature, there is concern if others found out about its tender meat it would be hunted to extinction”
“It's true. When I was a kid my dad always talked about going to hunt them one day” Sniper joined in.
“You should be ashamed of yourself” Demo pretended to admonish him.
“I was young, I didn't know any better” Sniper shook his head in mock shame.
“And we're gonna eat one?”
“Yes. It was not easy but I know people who can obtain such delicacies”
“Ain't it illegal?”
“Mate, we killed three people yesterday and buried them in the desert” Sniper pointed out.
“Oh, right. That's probably worse”
“How’s this Demo?” Engineer asked, garnering Demo’s attention.
He had finished chopping the huge pile of neeps into even cubes and put them back into the pot. Demo looked on, flabbergasted.
“How’d you manage that so quick? These things are hard as all hell”
Engineer pulled up his ungloved gunslinger which he had attached a knife to, a sheepish smile in his face. Medic nodded approvingly from across the room, taking a notepad out of his pocket and writing something down.
“Forgot you’re a right boffin. That’s great. You got time to help with the tatties too?”
“Sure thing”
“Heavy could do too if had robot hand” he said quietly.
“You’re doing a fine job” Demo reassured. “Sniper, you’d have much easier time with a smaller knife”
"I'm good" Sniper muttered as he sliced another potato with his kukri.
“Is this the same knife you use on battlefield?” Heavy asked.
The silence that followed answered for him. A number of the mercs groaned, with the exception of Medic who laughed heartily and Pyro who was oblivous to the situation at hand, poking straws into their collection of decorated potatos to give them arms and legs.
“Dude, I’ve watched you shave with that thing!” Scout half yelled across the room.
“Mon dieu” Spy put his head in his hand, almost knocking his cigarette from between his fingers.
“I cleaned it!” Sniper tried to justify.
“Nope, put that in the bin. You’re banned from cooking forever” Demo instructed.
Sniper put the half sliced potato in the bin and started filling his water carrier in the sink, sulking.
“The rest of you, go about your day. Supper is at 6PM. I’m no coming around to gather yous”
People filtered out, Engineer and Heavy remaining behind to help with the cooking, Spy also hanging back to try to stop Pyro from saving the half chopped up potato from the bin. Scout trotted up to Demo.
“Before I go, what do I wear if it ain't green? Is it blue? Cause if the boss lady sees us in blue we might get shot”
“Don't worry about it, just bring good spirits” Demo patted Scout on the shoulder.
“Like alcohol?”
“No, you dafty. Good energy”
“Oh, ok! Gotcha, I'm gonna bring the bestest spirits you ever saw” he called over his shoulder as he ran straight into the glass patio door on his way out.
. . .
As requested the mercs filtered into the dining room around 5PM, sitting around a neatly decorated table.
“Glad to see you’re all here!” Demo cheered from the kitchen, adorning his kilt. He sat down at the head of the table, putting a serving dish down.
“Hey man! Check it out” Scout got Demo’s attention, point at his plaid shirt. “We’re matching! I had a shirt that looked like your skirt so I ran back and threw it on. Pretty Scottish right?”
Demo smiled, the intention was there. That counted for a lot.
“Aye. It’s great, lad”
“Oh, also” Scout reached into his pocket and pulled out a sheet of paper. “I tried drawing a haggis. How close did I get it?”
Demo looked down at the page. The drawing was pretty good, an animal resembling both a rabbit and cat, with short hunched legs and a wide whiskered face. It had big fluffy ears up top, folded over like a dogs.
“Not bad actually” Demo played along. “The legs should be longer. Fun fact, they’re legs are longer at the back and they have an extra toe on the back feet, five of them total. The ears should be a bit further back too. Also they have tails. About this long”
Demo gestured with his fingers and Scout nodded, writing notes at the bottom of the page and drawing some quick sketches.
“Got it. You said they were brown right?”
“Outside of the winter frost, aye”
“Awesome. I’m gonna get this perfect. You’ll see” Scout went to shove the pencil and paper back in his pocket but Demo stopped him.
“Hold on, you gotta show Sniper. He’s gonna love this. Hey, Mundy! Check this out!”
Sniper looked up from his place further down the table where he had been talking to Engie.
“Scout drew the haggis”
Scout held up the drawing for Sniper and the rest of the table to see and Demo pointed to it excitedly.
“My god, it’s magnificent” Sniper marveled at the drawing.
“It is quite remarkable” Spy commented, swilling his wine in his glass.
“Demo says it ain’t quite right, I gotta make some improvements. But I’m gonna get it perfect, I swear”
“Is good drawing” Heavy commented, carving up a haggis.
Scout had a bashful smile on his face as he tucked the drawing back into his pocket and Sniper and Demo gave each other a playful look.
“Mmhmmphph?” Pyro mumbled from the end of the table.
“Good question. He's been mighty quiet today” Engineer answered Pyro, then turned to address the rest of the table. “Any of yall see Soldier today?”
Heads shook and mumbles passed up and down until Demo spoke up.
“About that, I sent him on a wee mission”
“Did we get new contracts or something?” Scout asked.
“No, I just wanted him out the way so I told him there was a hive of communist bees eight hours east of the base. Figured that would keep him busy long enough to celebrate”
Sniper and Scout laughed uproariously, while Spy and Heavy simply nodded in understanding and Medic and Engineer shared a concerned glance. Pyros reaction was a mystery to anyone, shrouded by their mask.
“Seems a little harsh” Engineer tried.
“No way” Sniper was the first to speak up. “Remember the Aussie flag patch on my bag? He ripped that thing clean off with his teeth because he thought it was the American flag made wrong”
“Da, I agree. Made borscht one time. Soldier flushed down toilet. Called this commie food”
“He tried to throw my bottle of 1940 Chateau La Tour Blanche off of the roof because he couldn't read the label. When I told him it was in French, he hit it with a rocket instead” Spy looked almost tearful recounting the loss of his wine.
“He celebrated St. Patrick day with us all. He seemed to have no concerns then” Medic questioned.
“Yeah, he told me all about St Patrick and how he won the civil war then died of torublicus or something” Scout explained.
“Dagnabbit” Engineer drooped his head. "This ain't making us Americans look good, is it?"
“Look, I just wannae enjoy St. Andrews without Soldier throwing away the food or tearing down my flag or blowing up my whiskey. He'll be back tomorrow”
The people around the table nodded.
“Right. Now, raise your glasses. Cheers to good food, to good people, and to bonnie Scotland”
Cheers of various volumes and tongues sounded alongside the clinking of glasses. Food was passed around and plates were filled. Long after bellies were filled the whiskey began to flow and the mercs laughed and sang together, taking turns trying to copy Demo doing the Ghillie Callum as best they could over a couple of lines of chalk Pyro drew, fearing the worst if they got actual weapons involved in their inebriated states. Everyone clapped as Engie did surprisingly well, thanking his youth as a square dancer and promising to show them how to do that another time.
As the night wore on people began filtering out, heading off to do their own thing or passing out around the base.
Demo smiled as the room span, happy to celebrate over 4000 miles away with the coworkers who had become his friends.
. . .
Demo awoke the next day with a sore head and back. The head he put down to the alcohol, his back he put down to the fact he had somehow passed out half on a coffee table, half on the floor.
“Demo! You're awake!” Soldier yelled at his usual earsplitting volume.
“Soldier? You're back”
“Yes, I found and eradicated the commie bees with my impeccable American prowess and speed. They won't be harming any good patriots now!”
"You found it?"
"Affirmative. There were hundreds of them. God put them on this beautiful American earth but I had to take them out. I punched the hive with my fists. Look!" He held up his hands, swollen and red.
“Good work” Demo gave him a thumbs up from his position half on the floor.
“I have also taken the liberty of fixing the balloons”
“What?”
“The base has been decorated with blue and white balloons but no red. Fear not, I have written red on every third balloon to ensure to perfect amount of dedication to this great nation”
“Ah, right. Thanks Solly”
“Also the fridge is on fire”
“Aye, that's about right” Demo smiled to himself, closing his eyes again.