Work Text:
I pretend I'm not hurt
And go about the world like I'm havin' fun
(Body Electric - Lana Del Rey)
❄️
Rounding the corner, Benedict tugged at his dusky woollen muffler, the late morning chill surrounding the lanes as last night’s snow piled against the pavement. Leisurely walking towards his cafe, he cherished the blurry sun peeking through winter clouds while the eateries, bakeries, bookshops and flower shops were opening for the day. The chatter of owners, workers and early customers softly piercing through the dew. The lights around some corners still on, dissipating through the haze; he made a mental note to paint the scene for the cafe that he opened last Christmas.
Crossing through the snow in his dark boots, the cold-as-ice wind made him shiver. But his heart filled with warmth remembering the beautiful evening when his dream came true in form of the cafe he built by investing the earnings of his artistic endeavours.
Always an ardent coffee lover and, more so, fond of observing people, engaged in conversations or work; different from other public places, he always found cafés to be more intimate, especially the ones with dim lighting, brimming with the aroma of coffee, a perfect blend of earthy, sweet and bitter. It took some time and a lot of effort to create such an atmosphere for his cafe, that also became a home for his art; the pieces he created blended into walls, inspired by the cosiness of autumn melting into winter.
Reaching the délicat, akin to home, the amber hues of golden lighting greeted him, melting his heart like the snow that was softening under the whispers of sun rays. Stepping in and opening the glass door, he recognised a few regular customers sitting on the tables and chairs made of walnut wood. Benedict politely smiled at the familiar faces, the wall behind them adorned with his paintings, capturing the foggy mornings of the cityscape, rosy sunsets of late autumn and pristine snowfalls of December. Here, his art did not need the constant approval of viewers, such as in art galleries, but they themselves were witnesses of countless stories.
Benedict was going towards the ‘staff only’ area, at the side of the barista counter, to remove boots when his steps halted, noticing that none of the table had any order served. It was unusual because the barista was a diligent worker, but she was not in sight as his gaze wandered around. Removing his muffler and putting it beside the cappuccino machine, he walked to the front of the coffee bar-cum-serving counter; hushed sounds of shoes tapping on the floor reached him from behind the bar.
Rounding to the other side, he peeked, mindlessly smirking as there she was - Penelope in her forest green apron over black overalls, sitting on the floor, knees up in the air as she bit her lips and constantly tapping her feet on the dark floor, the hanging lamp casting soft glow on her frowned face, mirroring the sun shining through foggy skies.
“I didn't know you love the floor that much,” the playfulness in his tone was a usual response around her. Benedict joined her on the floor because, one, he needed to figure out what was inducing her anxiety, and second, he would rather be with her in the cafe than anywhere else in the world. That was the thing, last Christmas, he gifted himself the cafe and at the new year, Eloise’s closest friend joined as barista and eventually promoted herself to the position of Benedict Bridgerton’s best friend.
Lately, his mind wondered if Penelope had another promotion due, but he was afraid that she might not want the heart she already won over.
His favourite redhead huffed, the blue of her eyes deepening as she glared at him, “now is not the time, Ben!”
“Then when is the time,” he pouted, earning himself an adorable eye roll.
“I don't know……for your shitty jokes, never, never ever,” she said with casual conviction, moving to sit cross legged. Penelope tiredly rested her head on the glass bar behind them, her knee pressing under his as he mirrored her position.
“Umm..you are absolutely wrong, my jokes are never shitty-”
“They always are,” she softly chuckled, not even looking at him, her eyes glued to the phone in her hands.
Bumping her shoulder, he demanded attention. “What happened? It looks like you drank a very bitter coffee..,” he scrunched his nose as if he could taste the unsweetened drink, “…and it seems our customer ain't getting even that.”
Narrowing her eyes, the redhead thrashed him with her gaze. “Stop it! they are regulars,” she mumbled irritatingly, “they know if they aren't getting served then I've something important at hand..”
“And please tell me why your hands are so full,” he glanced at the phone that she held with a dying grip.
Taking a deep breath, Penelope adjusted herself against him and before he could inquire further, she leaned her head on his shoulder, whispering, “today I'll get to know if I got the job or not…”
And it finally struck his dumb mind. “Oh so this is about that publishing house..”
Her curls rustled against his snowy sweater as she nodded, Benedict wished he could reach closer to pluck all her worries away.
“You’ll get the job, penny, I’m sure of it.” He pecked the top of her head, the scent reminding him of autumn readying to greet winter. “And when-”
“If-”
“When you have it, please don’t forget my humble cafe-”
“I can never,” she lifted her head, her gaze sincere, “this cafe has been more than a job…this was supposed to be a transition before I start my career in publishing…but it just got so close to my heart…,” she looked around, the mugs, glass containers filled with coffee beans, powder and other assortments adorning the dark wooden shelf on opposite wall, the fruity smell of sweets meeting with freshness of snacks. “Now…I..I just can't imagine a life without this place..”
Her eyes glistened so he switched to humour, nudging her shoulder with his, “you're very much welcome!”
“Oh please,” she huffed. “It was only because of Eloise,” her lips tugging up in a soft smirk. “Wasn't my bestie the one who threatened to murder you if you wouldn't hire me-”
“That's entirely false,” he grimaced, “it was my idea to help my sister’s teeny tiny friend-”
“Hey! I'm not tiny,” she lightly punched his bicep, pouting in her silly way that he always found so adorable. “I'm just cutely built.”
She was. But it was not the time to reveal how he had composed endless poems in his mind on her glorious body.
“Who says you are cute?”
“Haw!” She gasped. “You are soooo meannn!”
“It's called honesty-”
“So you don't think I'm pretty?” She so innocently asked, her ocean crystals beheld him, reaching to his heart and he lost all humour.
“You are the prettiest,” he whispered, unable to move his eyes from her, not sure if he felt her shivering or just imagined it.
Penelope blinked profusely, trying to hide the blush creeping on her snowy cheeks, “um..hmm,” she cleared her throat, “that…that I am and you should always remember that.” Poking his cold nose with her soft finger, she struck her tongue out and god, he wished he could trace her alluring lips with his own.
But he could not act on his desires.
“Pretty but so manner less,” he sighed teasingly, “why did I even hire you in the first place-”
“Because I'm the best,” she pinned down him with her stare.
Benedict was not only enjoying their usual banter but was quite happy to distract Penelope as he knew that her anxiety runs high, especially considering how much she wanted that offer from the publishing house.
“Best? I think you are talking about me.” He was sure the regular customers were used to their chatter by this point. “Anyway, I do all the work here, you just order me around,” he tutted, shaking his head, knowing it will only fire her up.
“I can't believe y-”
Her phone beeped, she hurriedly checked the notification, biting her lip. “It's from the publishing house,” the words a whisper, tension peeking through her tone.
“Open it!”
As she took some deep breaths, the muscles around his heart tightened too.
Penelope checked the mail and it all froze for a second, all colour gone from her face, he felt a dip in his stomach while looking at her.
Putting his arm around her shoulders, he searched words of consolation, “..Pen-”
“I GOT THE FUCKING JOB,” her voice reverberating through the cafe, the whispers of customers ceased.
Penelope lunged at Benedict, hugging him tightly. For a second he could not understand what was happening. She leaned back, firmly cupping his face, amusinglymuttering, “I can't believe it, I got it, Ben, it happened!!”
Finally he got some semblance back, nodding in her hold, putting his arms around her, “I..I'm so proud of you-”
Standing up on her knees, she balanced her hand on his shoulder and the other one on the top of the bar, announcing happily, “I GOT IT….hell yeah!!”
After a moment, the customers clapped and congratulated her while Benedict struggled to hold her upright.
“Now, can I get my coffee?,” one of the customers asked, more like requested.
“Chill John,” she put her elbows on the glass top of the bar, giving the said customer what Benedict was sure to be a judgemental stare. “You get coffee everyday, let the girl celebrate for a moment!”
“Sorry John!” Benedict yelled, making sure that he was heard.
Penelope looked down at him, literally and metaphorically, “don't say sorry to him, he must learn and you too.” And as if to make a point, she reached for his head and tousled the hair but rather than a punishment, it was a pleasure.
“I'm sorry Pen!” John said in a very non apologetic way.
Penelope's knees wiggled so she tugged at Benedict’s dark strands, balancing herself to again point her fiery blue eyes at John.
“owww! You're hurting me Pen!”
She removed her hand so suddenly that, losing her balance, she tumbled down and both of them crashed on the floor, her phone fell with a thud behind him. Juggling above him, she stretched her arms around his head, trying to get the phone.
Penelope was too close, her heaving breasts flushed against his chest, his heart raced, he shivered a little and not because of the cold.
“Why are you so clumsy,” he irritably whispered, trying to distract himself. Also, trying to get her still, grasping her waist.
“I..am…not,” she mumbled but at least her wiggling stopped. But the next was worse, she was hovering above him, placing her palms on the floor, on the sides of his head. “You are clumsy, you idiot, couldn't you bear for a second? I was not going to pull apart your hair, anyway you are losing them..”
She was blabbering and he lost himself while she thrashed him verbally, quite enjoying the view and her being so close, so so close.
“Congratulations Pen!” he managed to get some words in between, and her prattling ceased.
Finally seeming to grasp the situation, she blushed and stilled. “Th…than..thank you!”
Their eyes locked as everything else blurred. He could feel his heartbeats racing and hers too. Lifting his arm between them, he tucked a loose curl behind her ear, his fingers tracing the soft skin of her face. She glanced at his lips before locking eyes with him again and he did the same, a strange tension rising between them. His touch lingering on her cheek as she seemed to close the distance between them-
“Please! If your celebration is done, can this poor man get a coffee!” It was obviously John, pulling them out of trance.
Penelope blinked profusely and pulled back, hastily trying to get up, he tried to help as she removed herself from him. No one uttered a word but Benedict was surely planning John’s murder in his head.
Her eyes wandered away from him as she stood up, leaving him on the floor and went to prepare the coffee.
“Learn to have some patience John, for God's sake!” Benedict blurted and even though Penelope was turned away from him, he could feel her agreeing.
❄️
“Tadaaaah!” Penelope presented herself opening the door, in a brand-new fawn coloured wrap coat, appearing amidst the snow collected in front of the cafe.
A blinding smile tugging at Benedict’s lips, taking in the sweetest of views from behind the coffee bar.
She walked to him in the empty cafe, the early morning haze clearing out after the heavy snowfall of last night.
“You look absolutely amazing,” he declared in an amusing tone, leaning over the bar, pressing his forearms on the top, the sleeves of his grey sweatshirt sliding against the glass surface. He was thankful for the little sanity and control he still had, overcoming the urge to have Penelope in his arms and let there be no distance between their lips.
“That's because I am amazing!” She twirled around, showing the new black tote hanging on her elbow.
“Finneeee,” he playfully showed reluctance, “but what are you doing here, when you should be heading for your first day-”
“I know!!” She scrunched her nose, looking all adorable as always. “I just wanted to visit for the good luck-”
“I didn't know I am this much special.” He smirked, rounding the bar and crossed his arms in front of her, never getting enough of teasing her.
“You and your ego!” she shook her head, the auburn curls framing her face swaying lightly, mesmerising as usual. “I'm here because I just didn’t want the cafe to miss me and have you wreck my baby, so it’s not you, you idiot!”
“Come on!,” his tone accusatory because well, he did not believe her, or rather not wanted to. “You don't have to lie Pen-”
“I'm not lying,” she stated, glaring at him, arching her neck as she inched forward, failing at intimidation because of her overbearing cuteness.
He could not control but dip his head, matching her stare, whispering, “Admit it Penny, I'm all the good luck you need-”
“Gohdddd!” she scoffed but didn't flinch, “I don't even care about you-”
“Oh you do-”
“I. do. not.” She crossed her arms, matching his stance, her pretence anger doing wicked things to him.
Even in heels, she was just reaching only his sternum, but he had no problem leaning down.
Their faces inches apart after he dipped his head further, decreasing the distance. Nervousness played on her face, but she refused to remove her eyes from him, glancing at his lips as their breaths mingled.
Benedict’s heart raced, realising that all their banter had always been the way to flirt. Praying that he was reading the clues right, he looked at her soft, enticing lips before searching for any hesitation in her eyes but found none.
Slowly, very slowly, he leaned down further, her crossed arms under his, she tilted her head as his lips neared hers, shivers spreading down his body, their lips a thread apart-
The door creaked open, the chilling air piercing through the warmth, making them hurriedly move back, their eyes straying away from each other.
“Good morning,” Daphne greeted cheerily, followed by Colin.
He was still lost but Penelope managed to smile at them and before anyone could say anything, she hurried towards the door, stopping beside Daphne.
“I…I am getting late, I should hurry,” she tried to hide the tension in her tone.
Daphne squeezed the redhead’s shoulder, “All the best Pen.”
And with that Penelope left, Colin yelling his best wishes. Benedict finally gained some semblance back, looking at her through the window, her deep ocean eyes glanced at him for a second as her steps faltered, her irises competing with the beauty of winter. She walked away and it was so surprising that he could feel the burning of ice in his heart, regretting not only that day but all the chances he could have taken, wondering if she was feeling the same.
❄️
“What are you two doing here so early?” Benedict asked, hiding the desire of killing them for intruding.
Before answering, Daphne strolled to one of the tables, a little away from the window, Colin following her, ignoring the clueless Benedict. For a moment, he glanced at the window, pondering if he should follow Penelope, kiss her as the snow slowly descended around them, her soft, warm lips would rival any cold.
But then decided against it, she did not need him chasing around on the first day of job.
So, very reluctantly, he dragged himself to join his siblings who were looking like twins, more like twin Christmas presents, wrapped in deep red sweaters.
“I see, Christmas came early this year,” he amused, taking the seat opposite them.
“You done?” Daphne rather ordered, borrowing authoritative tone from Anthony. “We are actually here because mother is wrecking chaos with her Christmas planning, and we just needed to get out.”
Colin nodded with such a sad expression as if they had escaped from some war front.
Benedict was thankful, he himself had used the excuse of cafe and Penelope’s absence to get away from the clutches of Violet ‘Christmas’ Bridgerton.
“So what do you want me to do?” Benedict was not enjoying the moment, his mind still reeling from what could have been if his nosy siblings had not interrupted.
“Make coffee,” Colin stated as if it was the most obvious thing.
“Nah,” Daphne muttered, shaking her head, “I don’t trust him, Pen is the one with actual talent-”
“Hey! It’s my cafe, let me not so humbly remind you!” He tried to glare her down, but it was no use, she was much better at it.
“We all know Pen is the actual talent here, you just follow her orders,” Colin concluded, looking at him with the smirk that yelled - just admit it. But Benedict just made faces at him, not having any retort because he agreed with them but what fool would accept that to their siblings.
“She is really the sweetest, isn’t she!” Daphne chimed in. “I just wish you would get your head out of your ass!”
Benedict started panicking, opening his mouth to defend himself but realised that his sister was eyeing Colin. And before his brother could say anything, he couldn’t stop himself from asking-
“Wh…wha..what does that mean?”
Daphne looked at him like he was a fool before explaining in her professor tone, “Pen has a serious crush on our fool brother since teenage, I mean she always looked at him like he had hung the moon.”
For the first time in the season, Benedict could feel the bitter cold freezing his thoughts. He knew Penelope had a soft spot for his brother. But realising that Colin had been 'the one' for her for such a long time made him doubt all their interactions.
His mind went back to the first day she stepped in the cafe, nervous but so willing to learn, and even though they were familiar before, it was only because of the cafe that their friendship established, spending whole days and sometimes nights together making plans, deciding drinks, snacks and trading through a whole lot of chaos. But if he went further back, it had always been Eloise and Colin for Penelope and for him too, she was apart from the triad. So, how did he read all signs wrong and was about to sign himself up for a heartbreak.
“So what do you think, when it's happening?” Daphne looped Colin in.
“I don't know, I'm not sure that I see her like that….,” Colin wondered, but before Benedict could take a sigh of relief, he added, a little too sincerely, “..Maybe someday, I mean she is amazing and anyone would be lucky to have her but I just want to live life first, before committing to that kind of serious relationship….never say never!”
“Ughhh!” Daphne rolled her eyes, making a very show of it, definitely borrowing the trait from Eloise.
Colin was looking at Benedict for support but he could not help his brother, his thoughts numb, the bleak of foggy morning sipping into his very heart.
❄️❄️
Penelope was more than excited to share her first day experience with Benedict. It was way better than she expected, working under Agatha Danbury on manuscripts gave her a high that even her anxiety was unable to fumble.
Heading towards the délicat, the chill wind scraping her cheeks and nose, the impending snowfall making her eyes watery and the haze trying to do its best to cover her path and restrict the golden street lights. Never been fond of winter, the gloomy days striking her mental health down, she had somehow grown to love the times of snowfall.
After working at the cafe, watching sky slowly descending on the earth in the form of snow, people seeking warmth in a hot cup of coffee and some hushed conversations, she became fond of observing winter from the corners. Another thing that helped was Benedict’s heartwarming portrayal of frosty cityscapes; she could spend umpteen hours watching his paintings decorating the walls of the cafe.
Penelope stepped in and there were few customers taking up the tables, their conversations merely the whispers, mixed with the bare, nutty aroma of coffee. Her attention attracted by Benedict working behind the bar, even with ruffled hair and tired face, he was carrying that casual charm, able to make anyone fall for him. So, it was not a surprise that she was falling for Benedict Bridgerton, gathering the strength to stake her heart at risk.
He was working on cappuccino machine, unaware of her presence as she slid behind him with silent steps and put her hands around his eyes. Her breasts flushed to his back but she was not sure if she felt his heartbeats picked up or not, but her own heart was racing for sure.
“Hello Penny!” he quickly inferred, putting his warm, firm hands over hers and removed them from his eyes, turning around to face her.
Benedict smiled but something was….missing, it was a halfhearted attempt at excitement as if he could not decide how to react to being near her.
Nudging her doubts aside, she beamed, “Hello Ben!” then settle at tease, “I'm glad you haven't burned the cafe down.”
“And I thought no one will appreciate my hard work,” his tone was playful as usual but did not sit right with her.
“Shut up! I'm here to help-”
“You don't have to-”
“I told you naa, I'll do part-time-”
“I hired someone, Pen!” He almost declared with some hint of unease in his tone. Penelope was not sure if the conversation was going in the direction she hoped for.
“Oh,” she uttered before managing something much more coherent, “so soon?”
His gaze wandered away from her and she followed, his eyes settled on a tall, lean brunette in apron, waiting at the far end table. “She is Tessa, I…I know her from art classes I used to teach,” his voice feeble as if the words carry burden.
Penelope could not understand her own feelings, but the way Benedict’s eyes were stuck on Tessa, a surge of something distasteful crippled along her chest. But she again nudged her unwanted thoughts aside and tried to focus on the step she had decided to take towards Benedict.
“Ben, I need to-”
“I'm thinking of asking her out.” And the crippling bitterness burned her down while everything else felt too cold, yet embers swirling inside her.
“You are?” She could barely whisper but somehow successfully hid her disapproval. The situation was not unfamiliar to her, another Bridgerton brother caused the same hurt but that was a teenage crush…this….this, she hoped it was so much more, Benedict was so much more to her than some fleeting attraction.
“Hmm,” he nodded slightly, his eyes glancing at hers before moving away quickly. “She is beautiful, and she is also an artist-”
“All the best Ben!” She blurted, wishing she could pretend that it was not hurting but it felt as if snowflakes got trapped down in her heart, numbness engulfing her, making everything hazy and out of reach.
He blinked once, twice and once more, searching her face before his shoulders slumped down or maybe she just imagined it like the absence of joy from his words, “Th ... .thank you Pen!”
“Good night, need to hurry, have to prepare for tomorrow,” she excused herself, walking away, not looking behind, not waiting for a response because she was not sure if she even wanted to stay beside him.
Penelope literally ran from him towards the door, the steps still felt so heavy as if the cafe was reaching out to her, forcing her to stay but she could not. Even through the window, she did not try to look at him but could feel his eyes boring into her escaping form.
Rounding the corner, her feet stomping on the crushed snow, she saw bleak. Again, winter was becoming tasteless to her.
❄️
Returning from the office, greeted by sunset blending into twilight, Penelope was heading towards the grocery store. The winter seemed to come at halt as the sky was clear, melting into the orange, purple hues of golden hour, the chill in the air was inviting and not intimidating.
It had been more than two weeks at her new job and Penelope was nothing but grateful. Even if the work was demanding, it was everything she had wished for, being drowned in manuscripts was a headache but the joy of finding a great story was more than rewarding. Passing through an array of shops, she enjoyed the view of confectionery and flower shops, deciding to buy herself pristine snowdrops on the return towards her flat.
Tiredly, she stepped forward, passing through the sweatered crowd and suddenly, the rusty and earthy aroma of freshly roasted coffee beans engulfed her as the door of a nearby cafe opened for a bit. Her steps faltered, her thoughts wandered to a similar place that one she thought was impossible for her to leave. Yet, it became something she could only reminisce about.
Even though she had accepted that there could be nothing more with Benedict, regretting to have read all the clues wrong, there was still an ache that took over every time she thought of the day of her last visit. It was supposed to be beginning of something beautiful but rather became the end of the most cherished friendship of her life. It was painful but she needed distance and time, to see Benedict again in the same light of nothing more.
Dragging herself and shrugging the sadness aside, she reached the grocery store, the white lights contrasting against the dimming of sky. Entering, she took the shopping basket and headed towards the ready-to-eat meals section. Lately, she was unable to find the energy to cook, something she used to quite enjoy, even if not being too good at it.
Searching through the shelves, Penelope took some pasta boxes and a few salad bowls, buying more than usual as preparing for the weekend.
Then, she looked for Ramen, her favourite spicy ones were situated on the top shelf. She looked around but no store employee or someone tall was there. So, making use of her platform heels, she raised her arm, but it was still out of reach. She waited for other customers to leave and jumped a little but failed the first time. Then, trying again, she saw another hand reaching the packet, a tall, broad figure beside her, a sigh escaped because she could recognise him anywhere.
Both of their hands grabbed the pink packet as they slowly lowered down, the tips of his fingers touching hers and much to her dislike, even that slightest of touch was making an impact.
Turning to the side, she faced Benedict and he was looking charming as always, wearing a black hoodie. But as his blue green eyes bore into her, she felt something…….melancholic.
“Hi,” he whispered. Their hands were still on the packet between them.
“Hi,” she replied, searching his face, hoping her longing was not visible to him.
“Ho…how have you been?” He seemed nervous and to her surprise, guilty too. But there was no reason he should be.
She somehow managed to smile. “Fine, you?”
“Me too,” his voice was so soft and was only audible because they were in a far away corner of the store.
Again, she smiled and he returned in a similar halfhearted way. Unable to look at him anymore, irrelevant questions and complaints started swirling in her mind, she looked down and placed the packet in her basket.
“Thank you,” she said without looking at him but could not manage for long.
“No need, you have already reache-”
“Still, thank you for helping,” she blurted, not knowing why the hell it felt like talking to a complete stranger. “How..how's cafe?” she could not help herself from asking, a part of her wanted him to validate her absence.
He looked at her for a second too long before shrugging and answering in the most casual tone, “Great as always.”
Trying to hide the sadness grasping her chest, Penelope nodded, her own expectations biting back at her.
As she hopelessly searched for next words, Benedict broke the silence, “How..how is your job going on?”
And Penelope so wanted to gush about her new job, that she was loving her work, that it was really a dream come true. And even though it had been only few days, she never felt so fulfilling, she wanted to tease him that it was better than cafe, that she was not missing him when in reality nothing could replace that lovely place in her heart and no one could mirror the happiness she felt with him…..
But it was all in the past, yet attached to her like a lingering shadow.
“It’s good.”
“Happy for you,” his voice dipping low. A part of her felt weird satisfaction, maybe somewhere he did realise that something was lost between them.
“How's Tessa?” She asked, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe it was all a nightmare.
Benedict seemed taken aback slightly, his fingers fidgeting with the meal boxes on a nearby shelf. But as if succumbing to the situation, he answered, “the date was great ... .she is nice, can't ask for more.”
For a second, Benedict himself did not seem to believe the words. But she was not going to commit the same mistake again and read the situation wrong. She had decided to take everything at face value but it hurted, nonetheless.
“I should go, it's getting late.”
And she left again without looking at him, again without waiting for any response.
For a moment, she wished for him to follow but he did not, constricting her heart more and more.
As she neared the payment counter, the sun had settled, the dark taking over the whole sky and for the first time in her life, she missed snow, something to break this dark, even wishing for a blizzard.
❄️
In the glittery, crowded gift shop, Penelope was searching for a gift, failing to register the chatter of everyone around her, half-heartedly passing through the shelves. She did not want to attend any party or any gathering.
But no one was allowed to refuse Violet Bridgerton, especially when she treated the redhead as her honorary child.
Unlike any other time, Penelope procrastinated the task of gift buying till the last moment as she was still hoping to make some excuse for not attending. But after a very persuasive call from Violet and very threatening one from Eloise, she had to succumb.
Even if she was not fond of winters, Penelope liked celebrating Christmas, especially with Bridgertons, when her own family had separated plans and even though her mother and sisters had invited her, she had no energy of being in the over enthusiastic company of Featheringtons.
For the Bridgerton Christmas, Benedict was the reason for her unwillingness to attend. Even if she did not want to admit, it was still hurting. Even if she did not blame him, it was difficult to pretend that everything was fine between them, especially when he would be there with his girlfriend.
Wandering through the aisles, Penelope braced herself for playing pretend, even scolding herself for overreacting so much, just get over it.
Her eyes wandered through the shop, registering through the front glass walls that snowfall was going to make rounds. She tried to focus on the task at hand as needed to reach the Bridgerton house early to leave as soon as possible.
Rounding to the next aisle, her eyes glued to a Victorian tea pot set. Pulling her hands out of her wrap coat, she stepped forward to take a close look-
“oh it's so beautiful, are you buying it?” A sweet voice came from behind her.
Turning sround, Penelope's lips curled up in a smile but faded as soon as she faced the gorgeous brunette asking the question. It was Tessa….Benedict’s Tessa.
Before the redhead could unpuzzle her thoughts, the brunette exclaimed in an elegant tone, “Oh you are Pen? Right? I know you, you worked at Benedict’s cafe?”
Penelope nodded, “yes, hi, you must be Tessa, I…I'm Penelope.” She could not decide if the feelings swirling in her chest were of hesitation, jealousy or just simply sadness.
“It's nice to meet you,” Tessa offered her a sweet smile, “and congratulations on your new job.”
“Thank you! That's sweet of you.” Penelope could understand how someone can so easily fall for Tessa.
“So are you buying the teapot set?” The brunette looked at her expectantly.
“I haven't made a decision yet but if you want to-”
“Oh no no, you cloaked it first so..”
Penelope chuckled, easing away the awkward tension. “I was just looking, you should buy it.”
Tessa's eyes gleamed with excitement, moving from teapot to Penelope. “Thank you, my partner will absolutely love it!”
And much to her disapproval, Penelope’s heart sank. She hopelessly looked at Tessa glowing expressions while trying to control her own, forcing a smile.
“Tess,” someone called the brunette.
“Here Gen, I found you an amazing gift.”
Before Penelope could understand anything, a woman with raven coloured curls and a sultry smile, in a black dress, came to stand beside Tessa.
“Pen,” Tessa put an arm around who was evidently Gen, “meet my partner Genevieve, she is an artist too, a fashion designer to be specific.” Pride sipped in her tone as the two ladies looked at each other fondly.
Penelope’s mind whirled with countless questions, forcing her to blurt, “Partner?”
Tessa and Genevieve, both eyed her suspiciously before the latter firmly took a step forward, “yes, partner, any problem?”
It took a minute for the redhead to understand that she had certainly made a wrong impression. Penelope took a deep breath before trying to explain herself, “no..no.., you are getting it wrong, I…I just…I'm surprised,” she looked at Tessa, “weren’t you with Benedict?” Her heart raced waiting for an answer while everything else became so blurry, the coat acting a burden on her body while sweat beaded on her chest.
“What?” Tessa’s face filled with confusion, “no, never,” she shook her head.
Penelope clasped her hands, trying to ground herself. Before thinking any further, she composed herself, facing the couple, “I'm so sorry, it must be some misunderstanding, you are lovely together.” She relaxed as both women assured her with a smile. “Please have the tea pot, Merry Christmas.”
And as soon as they greeted her back, Penelope hurried towards the exit, crossing through aisles, the festive scent tasting bitter, the chatter becoming overbearing. The door seemed far away as she found her way through the crowd.
Finally, controlling her racing thoughts, Penelope reached near the glass door and with a sudden push, stepped out in the cold, the snowfall greeted her glazed eyes.
She walked and walked through the blinding hues, the Christmas carols playing somewhere distant but everything a noise brimming her senses. Crushing the fresh snow, she tracked the familiar route to Benedict’s cafe, not sure if he had already left for the party or not, but her heart was leading, and she did not have the energy to question anything.
Only one word was echoing through her mind - why?
❄️❄️
Benedict removed his apron after finishing the work around the cafe, ready to close early to attend his mother's Christmas party. He switched off the lights except the hanging lamp in the middle and the fairy lights around the windows, adorning the cafe in the golden glow of festive feels. The gliding snow against the darkening sky was his clue to exit before any customer requested a hot cup.
He might be in a hurry to leave but there was no excitement in his movements as he put the beige jacket over the creamy sweater. In an attempt to save himself from heartbreak, he lost the most joyous part of his life, his redhead, who could never be his.
Half-heartedly, he rounded the bar, not wanting to leave the warmth of the cafe but without Penelope, everything seemed lifeless. Without her, he could not even bring himself to celebrate cafe’s opening anniversary.
A chill ran through the cafe as the door opened with a soft creak, he lifted eyes and before he could open his mouth to deny the customer, his voice stuck as Penelope stepped in.
A part of him wanted to run to her, to wrap his arms around her. But another part of him was filled with fear as he took in her pale face and blank eyes.
Benedict searched her face as she stepped towards him, the amber shadows failing to melt the ice in her stare, her faded expression mirroring the gloomy days of winter.
“Pen,” he whispered, taking a step forward, wanting to touch her but restrained.
“Why?” Her one word filled with thousand undecided questions, and he could not understand even one.
“What are you saying?” His voice wavered, trying to understand what was even happening, why was she even with him and not at the Bridgerton house, enjoying with her favourite Bridgerton brother. Jealousy surged under his skin as he tried to control his thoughts.
Penelope took a deep breath before her lips opened to pave way for the most crushed sound he ever heard from her, “Why did you lie?”
“I never-”
“About Tessa, Why did you lie about you dating her? Why?” Her eyes wandered around his face, pointing accusations she could not fit into words.
Benedict was not shocked, he was just sad, he regretted lying but he needed to put that distance, Didn't he?
He could not decide where to set his eyes. He certainly could not look at her, his thoughts haphazard, searching for an answer. Trying to find some semblance, he hold onto the nearby chair, suddenly very aware of the thick threads of sweater rustling against his neck, constricting his breaths.
“Why?” She inched forward with determination. “Did you think I wouldn't be able to handle rejection, or did you not have the heart to say that you don't want me-”
“What?” The words tumbling down intensely as he finally looked at her, “I have always wanted you, Why would I ever reject you, you are taking this all wron-”
“You are lying again,” her voice low but tinged with frustration, “how the hell am I supposed to take it?”
His breaths ragged as the confusion and anger danced on her face under the flickers of fairy lights. Benedict tried to control himself; he really did but whatever was burdening his heart became unbearable.
“You cannot want Colin and then blame me for saving myself from a heartbreak, you cannot like Colin and then find faults in me for trying to hide my feeling, yes I lied,” his voice broke, her eyes glistened but he could not stop, “yes, I did beca…because…because I just didn’t want to get hurt,” his voice trailed down, “I'm sorry, I really am but I just could not bear to know that you wanted him….it's….” Their eyes locked in desperation to unbury all. “It's always going to be him. Isn’t it? I just decided to remove myself from the way, I'm sorry but-”
“It was never him,” her soft voice pierced through the hurt. “I never said-”
“Daphne did-”
“Why didn't you talk to me?” The helplessness in her words hollowed his chest, deepening the void in his heart.
“Bec…because….,” his eyes wandered around her, unable to meet her gaze, “be..because Colin said that maybe one….one day he will be ready for you and-”
“Maybe?” Her voice shattered, “a ‘maybe’ was convincing enough for you to push me away.”
“Pe…Pen..,” the words stuck in his throat, even under layers of woollen, the cold spread through his skin, freezing his thoughts as it finally occurred to him that he gave up without putting up a fight. Worse, it was never a fight.
A tear escaped her as all accusations left her eyes, leaving only hurt behind. He inched forward to touch her, but she backed away from him as if he were a stranger invading her space and it crushed everything in him.
She broke the silence, “you could've talked to me, asked me, I blamed myself for reading everything between us falsely,” it was not anger but despair. “You not only sacrificed the chance of us becoming something more but also our friendship,” her voice broke, wrecking his heart.
Penelope's eyes did not stray away from him, but he could not bear to return her gaze. “You know what's fucked up! I so wished that somehow this whole thing with Tessa was some sort of prank….that…tha…that maybe….just maybe I can find my way to you and now…,” her voice dropped, engulfing them with a strange silence before she spoke again, “now when it's a lie, I can't help but hate you for letting it all crumble so easily…”
Benedict froze, he had no answers and a simple sorry was not suffice for the blunder he caused. The snow falling outside the window bearing witness to their misery, they were both together but still miles apart. How could he even let himself lose her and more than that, hurt her. Regret tearing him apart.
“Pe…Pen..,” it took all his strength to utter her name.
“No,” the most hurtful word barely a whisper as Penelope inched backward, cleared the tears, and looked away.
His mind and heart were begging him to move, to kneel, to stop her, but his body was stuck, still reeling from his mistakes.
She turned away and walked to the door, opening it, she paused as the frosty wind swept across the cafe. But nothing was affecting Benedict, numbness engulfing each of his senses.
Her voice broke through everything, “that day, I was going to confess my feelings for you.”
And she left, the door creaking behind her, everything fell silent, absolute silence. Forcing himself to look outside, he saw her taking a cab and before he could move, before he could even understand what to do, the cab took her away, the black car gliding through the pristine snowdrops.
❄️❄️
Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Penelope reached her flat, the lights and decorations on the street were bearing her down as the cab crossed through the snowfall, the cheerful atmosphere contrasting with her gloomy heart.
In her house, with her preferred dim lights, at least she could be comfortably sad, without being reminded every second that it was supposed to be the most joyous time of year. Somehow, she managed to message Violet and Eloise that because of some allergic reaction, she would not be able to attend the party, it took some more strength to argue with her best friend to not come racing to her.
The snow decorating her windowsill, a warm white Christmas tree, adorned in golden bulbs stood in the corner, something that she had forced herself to buy, just a little step to embrace the celebratory vibes, something to distract herself from everything she planned for the cafe’s opening anniversary.
After removing the coat, Penelope slumped down on the couch, her deep blue velvet wrap dress rustling against the soft fabric of the coco brown couch. The kitchen behind her was swarming with all the treats she bought indulging in shopping therapy but barely finished a single bar of chocolate.
The tears threatening to spill, so she closed her eyes, taking some very needed deep breaths. Trying to feel the warmth of her home, she removed her sandals, the softness of rug grounding her as she tried to distract herself by moving her thoughts towards the manuscripts that will be needing her attention after the holidays. The printed copies stacked with her book collection on the shelf beside the Christmas tree.
She so wanted to stand up and walk to that corner and pull out any of the books and just get herself out of reality, but could not even find the energy to open her eyes. Everything was raging and sad in her as she found herself unable to nudge him out of her mind and heart.
Penelope would have stayed, if Benedict had asked. But he did not.
Letting the tears fall, she opened her eyes, curled herself against the couch, preparing for letting it all out-
A soft knock startled her. Composing herself, she stroked the tears away and sat straight before asking, “Who?” It would be a lie to say that she did not want it to be him.
“It's…it's me, Pen, Pl…please open,” his feeble tone satisfied a part of her while another part was just angry at him for letting all that happen, for the lie, for the distance, for the hurt.
And Penelope knew, God, she knew that he was hurt too. Somehow, it angered her more that they could spend the christmas together, if he would not have been such an idiot.
“Why?” Her voice wavered as she stood up and walked towards the door.
“I…I need to apologise-”
“I don't need your sorry.” She wanted much more and maybe somewhere understood that he was saving himself, but it did not fade the ache in her heart.
Penelope could feel him resting his forehead against the door as his voice travelled across, “I..I know Pen, but I need to, I know I fucked up-”
“Royally fucked up,” she raised her voice a little, still few steps away from the door.
“You are absolutely right, just let me in please-”
“Why? So that you can lie to me again!” She hoped the pain was obvious in her words. It was not her fault that she did not get the time to process all of that. So, emotions were making her needy to express all the pain, to taunt him about his ways because anger was never her forte nor his. She knew they were not going to fight and yell but she also could not let it all fade and just forgive him so easily.
Penelope was going through a whirlwind of emotions while the silence spread at the other side of the door. Closing the distance to the door, she touched the knob as his soft voice came through. “I can explain Penny but I know there is no excuse, please forgive me, I…I can't…I can't lose you,” his voice dropped lower, “again.”
Her fingers fidgeted around the knob as she contemplated her next action, whether to let him in at that instant or let him suffer a little because there was no way she was going to let that charming fool go away.
Before she could decide, he spoke again, “I'm freezing Pen, you can not let me suffer and die in this cold,” the teasing in his tone made her smirk, this was the dramatic Benedict she fell in love with.
Rolling her eyes, she opened the door, and he was about to crash into her but balanced himself while she crossed her arms and could not help but stare at him.
Benedict sheepishly averted his eyes, playing with the buttons on his jacket before smiling at her. “Hi Pen.”
“Hi?” She raised an eyebrow because obviously, what was he even thinking.
“I…I mean thanks for letting me in-”
“Well, I can't let you die in front of my flat,” she thrashed, teasingly, “that will spoil the vibes for me.”
He controlled the smile as his eyes met hers, the deep blue green irises holding the entire world.
Trying not to give herself away so quickly, she turned around, her arms still crossed, watching the snowflakes descending through the window, the fluffy and frosty drops fading the dark of night. The room was warm because of the heater but she could still feel the chill as snow draped the glass and beyond.
“I'm sorry Pen,” he said and suddenly she became very aware of him being close.
“You should be,” Penelope mumbled, trying to hide her frustration as well as eagerness. It was surprising how easily she forgave him in her heart and just wanted to erase the distance between them. But, she was still not sure about what he wanted next, so it was all going to be caution from her side.
Benedict waited a moment before she felt him taking a step forward. “I know, I am an idiot, and I wish I could just erase that stupid mistake, but I was just trying to save myself-”
“And what about me?” She turned around, arching her neck to look at him, his eyes reflected the depth of regret, and she had to still herself and not wrap him in her arms.
“I..I just wanted you to be happy Pen, I thought you wanted Colin-”
“But I don't-”
“How am I supposed to know that when Daphne said so convincingly…” his tone was vulnerable as he refused to wander her gaze away.
She could not help but sigh, “you were supposed to ask me-”
“I dread the answer, I was scared of seeing you wanting someone else, I…I…was lost Pen, so lost that I ended up making the stupidest mistake of my life.”
Penelope felt Benedict’s hurt, his turmoil. She understood, regretting filling her heart for not confessing before that damn day.
“What now?” She whispered, searching his face, hoping.
Benedict took a breath, so deep that all her thoughts went numb. He stepped closer, his hands touching her shoulders before tracing down and made her unfold the arms as he held her hands, her eyes glistened feeling his touch after what felt like an eternity.
“I love you, I want you, I need you, please have me.”
It took her a moment to grasp all that and when she did, Penelope freed her hands from his and before he could react, she wrapped her arms around his neck, standing on her toes, even in heels, and crushed his lips with hers with such an intensity that he lost balance for a second.
Benedict’s hands found home around her waist, grasping her for dear life, making her smile into the kiss. Their movements desperate, letting each other know that the wait was finally over.
Penelope could not believe she was kissing Benedict, something she had dreamt for so long and a few hours ago, it was all just impossible but now, now he was hers, his love was hers and it was better than any dream. He deepened the kiss as she tilted her head, threading his fingers through his chestnut strands, the snow-dust cold against her soft skin. The tip of his nose was cold too as he pulled her into him, his fingers digging into her waist through the velvet fabric, his touch possessive and she loved to be held by him, she belonged with him. His embrace, his taste was like a big cup of hot chocolate on a freezing day.
As their kiss turned slow, but they refused to break, his hold loosened. Bending down a little, grasping the back of her thighs, he pulled her legs off the floor while she wrapped them around his waist and his hold tightened again.
Penelope leaned back for a second, their eyes met, their feelings melting and she kissed him again as he walked towards the couch.
Sitting down, he held her firmly while she unwrapped her legs to straddle him. His touch tender on her waist, tracing down her thighs as her breasts flushed against his chest. In need of air, their kiss turned to pecks, their lips curved up in smiles.
After a moment, Penelope leaned back, her hands resting on his shoulders as he mirrored her contentment, his eyes filled with warmth and love. Her own feelings for him were brimming but there was a little fear underneath.
She waited for a moment before asking, “What if Colin-”
He shook his head, “you are mine, you want me and I don't care for anything else!” He tucked a loose curl behind her ear before brushing her lips.
“Say that again,” she whispered against his lips.
“What?” he nuzzled her nose.
“That I am yours-”
“You are mine,” he leaned back, looking deep into her eyes, “you are all mine.”
Leaning forward, she kissed the corner of his lips before whispering, “I love you too, Benedict Bridgerton.” And crushed his lips in a passionate, possessive kiss. Their love evident as their bodies melted into each other.
With Benedict’s warmth, Penelope’s distaste for winters dissipated, it was indeed a miraculous Christmas.
❄️❄️
“Why didn't you tell me that day, you idiot?” Daphne punched Benedict’s bicep lightly as she joined him at the coffee bar.
He put down the brownie on the plate before crossing his arms, attentively facing his sister. “I panicked after you mentioned Pen and Colin and I just thought I had no chance with her-”
“Then how the fuck it all came around?” She hissed, leaning against the bar, cornering him as he sheepishly looked around, the cafe brimming with chatter from all the Bridgertons and his Penelope.
“Ben?” Daphne gritted her teeth. Benedict really felt he should have joined Hyacinth and Gregory outside who were busy in making the snowman, well busier in attacking each other with snowballs.
He finally had to look at her. “What's with all this anger! You are behaving like El-”
“Don’t change the subject!”
“What's the subject he is so keen on changing?” Penelope smirked as she joined them with a hot cup of cappuccino in her hands, she came to stand in between the siblings and Benedict wrapped his arms around her from the back, delighting as she relaxed in his embrace, her red dress complementing his white knit jumper.
Christmas has turned to New Year, and he still could not believe that he could touch her anytime, hug her anytime, kiss her anytime, that Penelope was all his.
Daphne rolled her eyes at Benedict before answering Penelope. “I was just asking him how you two came to be together after I made the blunder that day.” She looked a little apologetic, but Penelope assured her with a sweet smile.
“Don't you blame yourself, what you said was a truth of the past ... .and for us…,” the redhead glanced at Benedict, arching her neck, stealing a kiss before getting back to Daphne. “Let's just say I had to drag him in this relationship-”
“Hey! You are stretching it-”
“No, she is not, all Bridgerton men are absolute fools,” Daphne stated while Penelope leisurely took a sip. “Anyways, I am happy for you both, let's catch up on that story some other time.” She left to join Violet and Anthony on the table while Colin, Eloise and Franseca went outside as the first snowfall of the new year greeted them.
“You really want me to get killed by my sisters,” Benedict murmured, turning Penelope around to face him, taking a sip from her cup. “Umm…you should've added more sugar-”
“You should’ve made your own coffee.”
“I’d rather not.” He took the cup from her, placed it aside and pulled her closer by the waist before moving one hand to cradle her face as she rested her hands on his chest.
“I thought so…then who will fulfil your caffeine needs,” she searched his face, controlling her smirk. “Tessa?”
“Enough with the tease,” he begged.
“And punishment?” she whispered, looping her arms around his neck, standing on her toes.
“Always ready,” he winked before dipping his head, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss.
Their lips a thread away as they broke the kiss, Penelope nuzzled his nose before leaning back a little. “Benedict Bridgerton, you are allowed to share my coffee.”
And what else he could wish for. Closing the distance, he again brushed her lips as she smiled into the kiss. She was the warmth saving him from cold, with every touch he fell deeper and deeper in her love.
❄️❄️