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Buck noticed the small things first.
How Eddie would take the last cookie for himself, to end that awkward game where everyone takes half of what remains out of politeness and the cookie just gets smaller and smaller.
How he started putting more sugar in his coffee, and even bought a bottle of that hazelnut syrup he used to only have on special occasions.
He was choosing joy.
Then Christopher came home, appalled that Eddie was even considering moving to El Paso. I thought you were going to come and get me, he had said.
The day Buck drove him to the airport just felt right. A mirror of that day years ago when he had said goodbye to Abby, except this time was the opposite of a goodbye. On the drive home, Buck kept his eyes on the road – many years as a first responder will drill that into you – but at stoplights he would steal a glance over at his best friend. He listened to Christopher’s many stories about Texas and felt the smile practically radiating off Eddie when Chris reassured him that yes, it was fun, but he was glad to be home.
Home.
It hadn’t been a question when Buck stepped into Eddie’s home after the other two, when he settled onto the couch after helping to transport Chris’ suitcase.
It was a quiet night. The excitement of earlier had settled into a low hum of contentedness. Buck couldn’t remember the last time he saw Eddie this calm.
Then Eddie came out.
It was on shift, in the bunkroom between calls. Buck was half asleep when he heard Eddie’s voice.
“Buck?”
“Hmm?” he stirred.
“Someone flirted with you on a call today.”
“Someone—Eddie, is this worth my naptime? People flirt with us all the time.”
“Why didn’t you ask him out?”
Buck shifted on the bunk until he was facing Eddie, who was lying on his back looking at the ceiling.
“Principle, I guess? Don’t really wanna date someone I met on a call.”
Eddie scoffed. “Ali. Taylor. Natalia. Heck, you technically met Tommy on a ca—”
“Alright, alright, I get it. What’s this about?”
“He was hot.”
“Who?”
“The guy who flirted with you.”
Buck replayed the call in his head. A man had gotten trapped on the roof of his office building after looking for a place to smoke. He was cute, Buck had to admit, curly hair and slight stubble, fit into his jeans impressively well. Not that Buck was especially looking, he was just… observant.
“I mean, I guess he wasn’t unattractive…”
Eddie laughed.
“You don’t have to be like that, I saw you looking. So why didn’t you ask him out?”
Buck shrugged. “Wasn’t interested, I guess.”
There was a silence, almost long enough to think Eddie was satisfied with his answer.
“I’ve noticed you haven’t really been interested in a while. In anyone. Not since Tommy.”
Buck frowned, thinking about it. “No, I guess I haven’t. Huh.”
“You don’t feel the urge to… I don’t know… explore?”
“Explore? Like with men?”
Eddie nodded, looking at him for the first time.
“I don’t know, I guess I never really thought about it. I know I like guys, that’s kind of as far as I got in terms of exploration.”
“Go out with me.” Buck choked on nothing. “We’ll go to a gay bar, see if we can figure out your type.”
“Oh, you meant—sure.”
“Yeah?”
“I guess. Can’t hurt.”
Except something told him it could hurt. Something about going out and hooking up with a stranger, especially with Eddie around, made his chest feel all tight.
“We can go to this place on sixth street, they do a really good martini.”
“You know gay bars?” Buck smirked, but Eddie didn’t mirror his expression. He looked almost nervous.
“Hen took me last week,” Eddie paused, eyes drilling into the back of Buck’s skull, “after I came out to her.”
Oh.
All of a sudden Buck was glad he wasn’t standing, because his legs might have stopped working.
“Oh.” Buck wasn’t sure he had said that out loud until he saw Eddie’s face drop. “Wait, no! Not oh.”
“What does that mean?”
“Nothing! Just…” Wow, he was really bad at this.
Get with it, Buck. Think. How did Eddie react when you came out?
“This doesn’t change a thing between us.” Well that would be a fucking lie.
Buck wasn’t exactly sure why it was a lie, but it definitely felt like one.
“…Just ‘oh’! Like not in a bad way, I’m just… surprised.”
“You’re telling me,” Eddie scoffed.
“New discovery?” Buck asked.
Eddie looked at the ceiling again.
“I think I’ve probably known for longer than I’d like to admit. It’s easier to tell myself I had no idea, because then I don’t feel so bad about everything I put Ana through, and Marisol, and it just—it doesn’t help with the whole ‘guilt’ thing. But if I’m honest, I think I’ve known since high school. Since the army days at least. It just took a little longer to come to terms with.”
Buck allowed that to sink in for a second.
“Wow. So you just. Repressed it to shit?”
“I guess so. I’m pretty good at that, if you hadn’t noticed.” It was supposed to be a joke but the bite of truth cut through too strongly for Buck to laugh.
“Okay. Tonight.”
“Tonight?”
“Yeah, tonight we get fucked up and meet some cute guys.” Buck wasn’t sure why the sentence feels bitter in his mouth. This could be fun. This would be fun.
Eddie’s lips curled into a fond smile, and Buck pushed down that creature in his chest that wanted to wipe it off his face.
“Sure.”
The lights were way too bright. Maybe it was because they just got off a forty-eight-hour shift, or maybe pushing mid-thirties meant Buck was not built for this anymore. Either way, the lights blinded him while also not illuminating anything helpful, and the speakers blared so loudly he had to lean into Eddie to be heard.
“What’s the plan?”
“I need a drink.”
Buck nodded, following Eddie towards the bar.
“Hey. Texas, right?” the bartender smiled at Eddie, eyeing him up and down in a way that made Buck want to growl at him. Whatever that meant.
And—wait—did Eddie know this guy?
“Hey, man. Two martinis please.”
“Sure thing, gorgeous.”
Gorgeous?!
As the bartender turned around to make their drinks, Buck whisked his own head around to stare at Eddie, who carefully avoided eye contact.
“Texas?”
“Hmm?”
“You said you came here last week, you did not tell me you flirted with the bartender, and… god, half the guys in here?” he added when a bottle-blonde twink walked past giving Eddie a wave of recognition.
“It’s not like that,” Eddie brushed off with a wave of his hand. “I didn’t flirt with anyone, I just talked to some people. Making friends in the community, and all that.”
“Sure. Friends.”
Eddie rolled his eyes.
“We’re not here for me,” he began. “We’re here to figure out what you want.”
It was Buck’s turn to roll his eyes. “Eddie, I know I agreed to this but I don’t really think I’ll find what I’m looking for in some sweaty underground bar.”
“Just humor me.” He placed his hands on Buck’s shoulders and span him round to face the throngs of men dancing. “Who catches your eye?”
But Buck’s eyes weren’t catching anywhere other than Eddie. Because Eddie’s right thumb was still there, brushing that junction between his shoulder and his neck the way it had so many times before, but this time it was coupled with a proximity that made Buck’s head reel.
He isn’t sure where the thought came from, but Buck suddenly wondered if this was how Eddie kissed people. Good leverage probably, but Buck is more of a ‘hands on the waist’ kind of person. Maybe they would be compatible.
Wait what.
“Buck?”
“H-what?”
Eddie’s hand was gone from his shoulder, and he was eyeing Buck with an odd expression.
“You good, man? You kind of floated away for a second.”
“Yeah, yeah. I’m good.”
“Hi, excuse me?” A voice cut in from behind Buck, and he turned around to see a tall redhead smiling at him. “Do you wanna dance with me?”
Buck froze.
“Uh, sorry, I don’t really dance.”
The redhead looked put-off.
“Um. Well, could I buy you a drink?” Clearly not that put-off.
“No thanks, I’m…” Buck looked to Eddie for some help.
The redhead glanced between him and Eddie, eyes widening with recognition. “Oh! Right, my bad. Sorry, I didn’t realize you were here with someone.” He scuttled off, immediately approaching another man with the same gusto.
“What the hell, Buck?” Eddie shoved him lightly. “We’ve been here two minutes and you’re already making excuses?”
“I wasn’t making an excuse, I really don’t dance…” Buck replied awkwardly, to which Eddie rolled his eyes.
“Bullshit, everybody dances.”
“No, seriously, Eddie. I have no rhythm. You don’t wanna see it.”
“And what if I do?” he cocked his eyebrow.
Buck rolled his eyes. “Sure.”
“Buck…” Eddie was standing up now, walking backwards with a hand outstretched. “Dance with me.”
And what was he supposed to do, say no?
As Buck took Eddie’s hand, it was like the crowd parted for them. He laughed awkwardly when they found a spot on the dance floor, unsure what to do now they had reached this point.
“How do you even dance to this? It’s barely a song!”
“You gotta find the beat. Lock in.” Eddie closed his eyes, head tilted back as he started to move his hips in time. It was—for lack of a better word—mesmerizing. He was like water, movement so smooth, and Buck was looking at his exposed neck like a Victorian man seeing a woman’s ankles for the first time. Then Eddie opened his eyes and smirked at him as if he was reading his mind. “You’re not dancing.”
“I don’t know what to do,” he replied helplessly.
Eddie shook his head fondly, stepping towards him in time to the music. Buck suddenly felt like prey, trapped between the instinct to back away and the desire to be closer.
Then there were hands on his waist, big hands, firmly guiding him this way and that, and Eddie was leaning forward to whisper in his ear.
“We’ll make a dancer of you yet.”
Then oh, he was turning around, and Eddie’s back was pressed against Buck’s chest, and he grabbed Buck’s hands and placed them on his hips, fingers interlaced with his own and he was moving against him in a way that was almost obscene and all Buck could think was Eddie Eddie Eddie.
“Not bad, Buckley.”
And then Eddie stepped away, and Buck missed the weight of him immediately.
“It’s—” Buck cleared his throat, “it’s hot in here. I’m gonna step outside for a sec.”
“You sure?” Eddie narrowed his eyes in concern.
“Yeah, I just… need some air.”
Buck slipped away before Eddie could reply, clawing through the crowds to find an exit.
What the hell was that? Was Eddie… no. But what else could it be? You don’t exactly dance with someone like that if it’s just platonic. Right? But then why did he suggest they hook up with other people?
Head spinning, too full of questioning if Eddie was interested in him, Buck didn’t even pause to question if he was interested in Eddie.
He considered it for a moment.
Yeah, that made sense actually.
And then—when they—yeah, that made a lot of sense.
Huh. Wow.
Just then, the nightclub door reopened and Eddie stepped out, eyes scanning the area until he found Buck.
“Hey,” he said softly, “you okay?”
His hand reached up to squeeze Buck’s arm and that was enough. He couldn’t do this anymore. Buck needed to know.
“Are you like… into me?” Eddie looked at him blankly.
“No offence, but are you stupid?”
“Maybe! Yes!” Buck flung up his hands. “Because I didn’t realize until about five minutes ago that I am apparently very into you, and you suggested we come here to meet other people but then you’re dancing with me like that and also offering to be my wingman with total strangers? I can’t keep up, Eddie! You’re confusing me!”
“I’m sorry, Buck, I just—I thought we were on the same page.”
“What page?!”
Eddie looked genuinely confused.
“I thought we were doing this little dance, where I pretend that I don’t know you’re into me, and you pretend like we’re here to meet other people when we’re obviously going home together and… wait, you really didn’t know?”
Buck’s jaw dropped.
“How long have you known?!”
“That I love you? I mean, it’s pretty much the reason I admitted I was gay. When you and Tommy started dating? Yeah, I did not like that. Or are you asking when I realized you love me? ‘Cause I’m not really sure when that happened, I think I’ve always felt it.”
He was speaking in such a matter-of-fact way that Buck couldn’t even process it.
“You’ve always—wait, ‘love’?”
“Keep up, Buck.” Eddie was smiling fondly.
“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” Emboldened, Buck took both of Eddie’s hands in his. “You love me?”
“I love you.” Eddie lifted up one hand to kiss it gently.
“And I love you?”
“I don’t know, Buck, do you?” The first glimpses of uncertainty flickered across Eddie’s face, and suddenly all Buck wanted to do was reassure him. Forever.
He nodded viciously.
“Yes. I love you.” And then he laughed. “I can’t believe you knew before I did!”
Eddie grinned at him, “you’re pretty easy to read.”
“Hey!”
Eddie rolled his eyes, and pulled Buck in until he was pressing Eddie against the wall.
“I’m gonna kiss you now, if that’s okay.”
“Mm? Oh, yeah, that’s—yeah, I—”
And then Eddie lips were on his and Buck forgot what he was going to say. Why exactly hadn’t they been doing this before? Eddie wrapped his arms around Buck’s neck to pull him in closer and Buck let out a noise that sounded a little more desperate than he intended. Eddie fucking giggled, breaking their kiss to lean his forehead against Buck’s.
“Can we go home?” he whispered against Buck’s mouth, kissing him again.
Home.
“Yeah. I like the sound of that.”