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The forge felt hotter than normal today. Jayce wipes the sweat from his forehead with the back of his hand, going back to working on his hammer after a deep breath. He thought he would have gotten more used to it by now, especially since Viktor left and he found himself here more often than not - but today it felt way too hot.
Jayce’s hands shake as he continues to slam the hammer, molding the metal. It’s hard to breathe. “Why is it so hot?”. He is panting, his slams become stronger, faster.
“Why did he leave me?”
Hands are too shaky now, muscles giving in to the heat. Sweat drips in his eyes, blurring his vision. He crumbles, his knees bending without his permission. There is a comfort to the hard concrete floor; it’s slightly colder.
The lab was cold, he remembers, but there was warmth - his warmth.
: : :
“It was affection that held us together”
Viktor’s voice echoes in Jayce’s mind. Affection … but it never felt like affection to him. Ever since he met Viktor, ever since hextech, everything just fell into place. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was. He, a nobody, changing the world. He remembers looking down at Viktor one day, watching him study his notes in impeccable concentration - his eyes lingering for a little too long before he spoke.
“Thank you” Jayce softly lets out, his heart tightening by the feeling of saying the words out loud. He stands there in silence, waiting for the “for what” question. Instead, what he hears is a slightly shaky voice.
“Would the sun thank the moon for setting so it can shine?”
Jayce gasps silently, his breathing slightly failing. Viktor finally looks up at him, his tired eyes staring at him with admiration, with care; a soft smile appearing on his face as he notices Jayce’s slightly open mouth.
He remembers wondering what that meant, taking a little longer than he likes to admit before realizing he was the sun in that analogy. His mouth immediately tries to protest, but Viktor’s gentle voice interrupts him. “But if you insist on formalities, then I must thank you as well”.
Jayce never did ask “for what”, but he didn’t have to. He never needed to ask Viktor much. Everything just made sense; it just felt right. No argument, no disagreement, no silence felt wrong. Not when he was there, no when they were together.
But it wasn’t affection, no… it wasn’t that shallow. Feeling your souls intertwine and slow dance without even exchanging touches, physically noticing your entire body shine brighter after hearing the sweet sound of his voice, being able to get here - on top of the world, so far up he can barely see the ground - because his soft hand held his.
It never felt like affection. It felt like…
: : :
Now everything was freezing.
Did he imagine everything? Was his mind so desperate to see something there that it had to create it? It was possible, Jayce thought, but why him ? Out of every person who could spark such desperation in him, why Viktor? Could it be that there was something more in those hazel eyes; something that pulled him in at some point? But, if so, why would he leave?
Jayce tosses and turns in bed, his eyes struggling to stay shut. He stares at the ceiling - it feels so cold - his hands cover his face as he groans. His bed is warm, but the warmth he needs is nowhere to be felt.
What if he was being selfish? What if Viktor was only seeking what truly made him happy? Jayce knew that was a possibility, it just hurt too much to admit he wasn’t among those things. He punches the mattress beside him, fighting tears. So all those years meant nothing? Did he really see a rainbow in pure black and white? It couldn’t be.
There were so many colors, but he took them all with him.
Maybe it would hurt less if he accepted he had always been swimming alone in that ocean, that he had been lost in his own overwhelming neediness for so long he lost sight of land. He felt for both of them, perhaps - his soul dancing with his own delusion all this time.
Viktor was right, then. It was affection.
He closes his eyes again, taking a deep breath. His mind goes back to his partner’s face, to every mesmerizing memory of the only person who ever made him feel valued; precious. To the man who praised him so naturally, made him feel special so effortlessly, made everything feel meaningful. “You fail to see how incredible you really are, Jayce” he remembers Viktor saying once - most importantly, he remembers feeling his heart flutter, hearing clear as day a voice he had learned to admire so deeply. His eyes open again, but he smiles this time. How silly of him to think anything else mattered.
Viktor wasn’t swimming in the same ocean; he was land.
And if affection wasn’t enough to hold them together, his love would be enough to make him persist.