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Tommy stood at Evan’s door. Again. He didn’t knock. He couldn’t. He had failed Evan; he had left Evan. He had broken Evan. How could he just hope that Evan would open the door and let him back into his life again?
As it was the five other times, Tommy had done this. He turned and walked back in the direction he came. This night was different than the rest. This night, he ran into Evan’s neighbor Mrs. Jones.
“Tommy,” She gasped. “Oh, I haven’t seen you around for a while. I was beginning to worry something had happened. I do hope you and Buck are doing well.” She said, sincerity in her eyes and voice.
“Hi, Mrs. Jones. Evan didn’t tell you?” Tommy asked, pointing back toward his door.
“Tell me what, dear?”
“We, uh, we broke up. Almost a month ago now.” Tommy watched her face fall as if she’d just been told that the love of her life had died.
“Oh, dear. I am so very sorry to hear that.” Tommy looked away. He couldn’t handle the sympathy in her eyes, only looking back at her when he felt her place her hand gently on his arm.
“Would you like to come in a talk? I have a sense you have a lot to say, but nobody to listen.”
Tommy felt the hot sting of tears fill his eyes. He wanted to decline; he wanted to run; he wanted to go back and knock on Evan’s door; he wanted to fix what he had broken.
Before Tommy knew it, he nodded his head and turned once more to follow Mrs. Jones into her apartment. Which was only three doors down from Evan’s. Tommy couldn’t help but feel like he was close to him, even with all the walls between them.
“Go, sit. I’ll get us something to drink. Would you like tea or coffee? Or maybe something a little stronger is in order?” She smiled.
“Coffee would be great. I still have to drive.”
“Very well. So, tell me what happened.” She promoted as she turned toward the kitchen.
“Oh, well, the simple version. Evan asked me to move in with him and I… panicked.” Tommy looked down. This was the first time he was saying this all out loud.
“And what’s the complicated version?” She asked when she brought the drinks and sat next to Tommy on the couch.
Tommy chuckled. Did he even know the complicated version? “I got scared.”
“Of what?”
Tommy looked up at her, deciding to bare his soul. “Of, losing him. Of having to force myself to pick up the broken pieces, I barely had the strength to pick up last time. Of repeating the same patterns of my past.”
“How do you know it will be the same as before?”
Tommy scoffed. “I’m not a last. I’m always a first. I’m never someone’s forever.”
“Did Buck ever give you any indication of wanting less than that with you?”
Tommy sat and thought for a moment.
“Do you love him, Tommy? Do you see your forever with him?”
“Does any of that matter now?” Tommy countered. “I already blew up my entire relationship.”
“Tell me about what happened in the past?”
“I don’t even know where to start.” Tommy chuckled a little.
“The very beginning. How old were you when you realized you were gay?”
Tommy looked at Mrs. Jones suspiciously. “What is this, a therapy session?” He joked, and she just shrugged.
“I’ve been through so much that I have memorized the standard questions. This is just a conversation. You can say as little or as much as you want.”
Tommy nodded and looked around her apartment. It was so much like Evan’s that it made Tommy’s heart flip painfully.
The silence stretched between them for several moments. And when Tommy spoke again, it was barely above a whisper. “I was fifteen or sixteen. I was on the football team in high school. It was after a game, the uh, the second-string quarterback and I were in the locker room. I always waited for the rest of the team to leave before I showered. It meant more time away from home. I didn’t know he was still there. I came out of the shower, and it was like my entire body reacted to him. He was standing there; he had just dropped his own towel, and I froze. I realized a few days later that all I wanted to do was kiss him. And that’s all I’d think about, even when I was with my girlfriend. We didn’t stay together too much longer after she figured it out. I wasn’t very good at hiding it back then.”
“You didn’t know you had to. It was new.”
“Yeah, that didn’t stop her from telling others. And it got around to my dad. And, uh, he was not kind about the entire situation. His solution was to try to beat it out of me. Especially when he was drunk. Which was pretty much all the time, especially after my mom left. I missed a week of school. My friend at the time made sure I got all my assignments. But my dad just wouldn’t let up on me. And from then on, I knew to survive I had to keep this locked away. I had to be like everyone else. Be normal, fall in love with a woman, get married, have kids. Your typical American family. According to society.”
Tommy stopped talking and looked back at her. His heart was beating against his chest, reliving the memory. “My senior year of high school, as was a normal thing back then, there were army recruiters at career day. I saw my way out. I didn’t ever second guess my decision. I think that was the proudest I had ever seen my dad in me. He’d went around ‘My boy is joining the man army’ told everyone who would listen. I left for basic six months after my eighteenth birthday and never looked back.”
“What happened from there?”
Tommy didn’t know what it was about this woman, or if he just needed to get it all out, but he just kept talking. “I met someone. He was tall, a couple inches taller than me. Beautiful green eyes. Just all around American boy. And he approached me, said I had caught his eye. We talked for so long before anything even happened. I told him my life story. And his matched mine, and it all felt like it was meant to be. I told him I had never actually been with a man before. He said it was okay, neither had he. And I finally gave into my desire for this… man, and we slept together.” Tommy blew out a breath and felt tears well up in his vision. “After he got what he was really after, I was laying there still trying to come back down from just having sex with a guy for the first time, He said to me ‘thanks for the great fuck Kinard. I have to admit, you were a harder nut to crack than the others. But it was still fun. I’ll see you around’ and left.”
“You weren’t his first.”
“Nope. For a moment, I felt incredible. I felt like myself, and then it came crashing in around me again. And I felt ashamed. Like I’d done something wrong. I kept hearing my dad’s voice in the back of my head again. So, I pushed it down. I made everyone believe that I was as straight as they come. I never had sex with a man again the rest of the time I was in the army.”
“Why?”
Tommy shrugged. “It wasn’t worth the risk.”
“How long were you in the army?”
“Five years. I was the youngest pilot in the army. I loved to fly; it was my escape.” Tommy smiled, his first genuine smile since sitting down. “After I got back, I joined the fire academy. I tried dating again. He was also a recruit. Newly out, I was not out at all. I was the first guy he dated. We got placed at two different stations, and he met someone on a call. I got Gerrard. And it was better for me to once again just fall in line. When we broke up, I got told ‘the first typically aren’t the last anyway, so this isn’t a big deal’. I think that’s what started my brain altering the way I saw myself. That no matter who I dated, I was never going to be someone’s forever. I was just the right now, the until someone better comes along. That’s why, with him…” Tommy indicated with his hand towards Evan’s apartment.
“So I’ll ask again. Did Buck give you any indication that he didn’t want that with you?”
“How could he? He’s young, and smart, and has his whole life ahead of him. Why would he want to stay with someone like me?”
“Maybe because he loves you.”
Tommy laughed a little. “He doesn’t love me. He can’t.”
“And why not?”
“Because he just can’t”
Mrs. Jones sat and looked at Tommy for a few minutes before she spoke again. “You know, I had a one that got away. His name was Oliver. And my was he the most handsome man I ever saw. But he wasn’t like me. You see, back in my day; it wasn’t okay for woman of color to date white men. And Oliver was as white as they came.” She laughed. “My daddy just wasn’t having it. But I fell in love, anyway. And we dated, in secret, all throughout high school. When he got sent to war, I told him I would wait. But I didn’t. Someone had told my father about Oli and I. And I just let him go. He was one of the few that came back from the war, but I was gone. I married my late husband. And we were on our way to starting our own family. I just left, never spoke to Oli again. And I regretted it every day after that. I had always hoped for something more with him. And if I hadn’t been such a scared little girl, I might have gotten that.”
She looked up at Tommy, reached over, and grabbed his hand. “Don’t let the fear of your past keep you from creating your future. If Buck is who you want, then trust and believe that he isn’t going anywhere. Don’t let him be your Oliver. Trust that he will take care of your heart. And cherish it until the end of time.”
Tommy felt a tear roll down his cheek, and he reached up to wipe it away. “I don’t know if I can. I want to have hope that he’s different, but I’m scared.”
“Baby, it’s okay to be scared. That’s a part of living.”
Tommy couldn’t hold back his tears any longer. He looked down and let them fall. “He’s going to break my heart, and I won’t be able to survive that.” Tommy whispered.
“Oh, baby.” Mrs. Jones said, moving closer to Tommy and wrapping her arms around him. “You don’t know that. From an outsider’s perspective, that man loves you. He will do all he can to protect your precious heart. You just have to give him the chance. And in order to do that, you need to knock on the door.”
Tommy pulled back from her embrace. “What hope can I have that he’ll even take me back after the way I left?”
“From what I’ve heard, you just have to knock. And baby, did you know, it’s the season for Hope.”
Tommy sat and stared ahead once again. He should knock. Today, right now. He stood, turned to Mrs. Jones, giving her a gentle hug. “Thank you.” He whispered in her ear.
“Go get your man back, Tommy.” She smiled, and Tommy moved to the door. Walking out, he turned in the direction of Evan’s door, stopping. Tommy turned around again and left. He couldn’t knock on Evan’s door.
Five days, it took Tommy another five days to come back to Evan’s apartment. And now here he sat and the parking spot, the dreaded parking spot. The parking spot that had brought such bad luck the last time Tommy parked in it. It was open once again.
'It can't be bad luck twice, can it?' Tommy thought. Scrubbing his hand over his face. "Fuck it," he growled and pulled in.
Quickly shutting off the ignition and getting out of his truck. He made a beeline for Evan's building. Before he could change his mind.
Bypassing the elevator so he wouldn't lose his nerve. Tommy took the stairs two at a time. Finally landing on Evan's floor.
He made his was across the hall and stopped in front of the door that he’d been longing to walk through since the moment he walked out of it over a month ago. He didn't even know if Evan was home. He didn't even check for the jeep before storming the castle.
Tommy took a deep breath and raised his hand. He hesitated only a second longer. Knocking three times. Then Tommy waited. Bracing himself with his hands on the door frame, Tommy almost walked away. But before his mind could catch up, the door was opening.
Tommy’s heart skipped a beat. Evan was there. Smiling as he opened the door. "Tom..."
Tommy moved his hands from the doorframe to the sides of Evan's face. Bringing their lips together, Tommy poured his heart into it.
"I'm sorry. I'm so in love with you. Please forgive me. I want to be with you. I love you." He said all at once in this kiss.
Tommy pulled back when he heard someone clear their throat from behind Evan. For the first time, Tommy's eyes locked onto another guy in the apartment.
"Shit," Tommy whispered under his breath, and he backed away from Evan.
"I-I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Ev- Buck I'm sorry."
Other guy walked over to them now and rested his arm on Evan’s shoulder. "Buck, hunny, who's this?" Evan looked at the other guy wide-eyed and, was that panic Tommy saw?
"Hi, I'm Connor. The boyfriend. You are?"
"Uh-uh, I'm nobody that matters. I'm sorry."
Evan finally found his voice. Elbowing Connor on the ribs. "Shut up. You’re an asshole!" Evan laughed a little.
"Connor, this is Tommy. Tommy, this is my FRIEND Connor. My very married, to a woman, friend Connor."
"Ohhh, this is Tommy, Tommy? THE Tommy? The Tommy that..."
"YES! The Tommy, the ex-boyfriend."
Tommy cringed at the use of the word 'ex'. He hated that Evan even had to use it.
"Wait. You're not..." Tommy trailed off, pointing between Evan and Connor.
Connor laughed. "No, man. I couldn't even stand this idiot if I was into dudes. No offense, sorry. That was really rude of me."
Tommy smiled slightly. Looking back at Evan, "Uh, can we talk? Unless you're busy."
Evan smiled at him and nodded. "Yeah, I’d like that. No, not busy. Connor was just leaving."
Tommy walked into Evan’s apartment for the first time in a month. He looked around, almost as if he had expected it to have completely changed since the last time he was there. Tommy looked toward the kitchen and saw a basket full of… “When did you start baking?” Tommy asked.
Evan’s brow furrowed, and he turned to look toward the kitchen. “Oh, uh, four- four weeks ago. The night after you…”
“Left.” Tommy whispered and Evan nodded.
“So, uh, why are you here, Tommy?”
“I, uh, why did you say that to me?”
“I’m sorry, say what?”
“That our relationship was transformative? That you admire me?”
“Uh, maybe because I meant it. You changed my life when you kissed me for the first time. You unlocked a part of me I didn’t even know I was suppressing. And I admire you because even though I can’t imagine what you had to go through to get to where you are today, or how hard it was to have to hide who you are, you still came out on the other side. Kinder, and stronger, and with so much more understanding of who you are and what you want. Which, apparently, isn’t me.”
“No, don’t do that. You, no. You have no idea how much I want you, Evan. But you hoisted me up on this, this…” Tommy trailed off, trying to find the right words. Looking at Evan, eyes wide and desperately searching. “Fucking pedestal. Made me seem like I was just this gay idol. I’m not, Evan. I wasn’t brave. I’m not someone you should look up to when it comes to your sexual awakening. I let my own father try to beat being gay out of me. There were nights when I would stand outside his door and almost ask him to do it again, because I was ashamed of myself. I’m not the person you should be admiring.”
“And yet, in spite of that, here you are, living your true self. You’re not hiding anymore. I don’t see you as my gay idol. I see you as the man who confidently walked into my life and said, ‘I want this one’ and continued to choose me. I see a man who went through hell every day of his life because of who he chose to love and who looks at the world today and say’s ‘If no one’s going to accept me, then I’M going to accept me, and I don’t give a shit about what anyone else thinks’ and that’s who I see. So yeah, I admire you, Tommy. I admire you for the man you are, broken pieces and all, and for the man you make me want to be. I have been the best version of myself these past six months, with you than I’ve been my entire life. I don’t want to go backward. I don’t need to go out and fuck the other fifty percent of LA that I didn’t know was an option to know that the only person I want is you, Tommy.” Tommy looked at Evan. His heart was pounding, tears burning his eyes, threating to fall. He felt like he couldn’t breathe and had to swallow past the lump that had formed in his throat.
“I’m not the forever. I’m not the one who gets chosen for forever. I’m the right now, until someone better comes along, call for a good time guy.”
“Tommy…” Tommy held his hand up.
“Let me finish.” Evan closed his mouth and nodded his head. Tommy took a deep breath.
“I’m not forever. But goddamn it, I want to be. Because, Evan, you’re my forever. You’re my endgame. There isn’t anyone after you. But I want so fucking badly to be your forever, too. An-and I shouldn’t give in, and I shouldn’t hope or wish, but it’s the season to be hopeful. And all I want is to be with you, for us to be forever, endgame.”
Tommy looked at Evan, vulnerable and open. He felt his heart beating faster the longer Evan stood and didn’t say anything. Evan smiled at him and held up his finger, asking for him to give him a minute.
Tommy watched as Evan ran up the stairs to the loft and started pulling out drawers. When he finally found what he was looking for he came running back downstairs and stopped right in front of Tommy.
“I uh, if you hadn’t shown up here today, I had a plan. I was going to come to you on Christmas. I got you this. I was going to prove to you that I knew what I wanted. I was going to show you that I don’t give a shit about what other people say usually happens. I was going to tell you; I love you and I choose you. I chose you from fake mouth static.” Tommy smiled and shook his head.
“That I would continue to choose you. That I wanted forever, that you were my forever, that I wanted to be your forever.” Evan pulled back a little, took a deep breath and sank to the floor in front of Tommy and grabbed hold of his hand.
“I was going to get down on my knee, and look up at you, and say Thomas Kinard, I love you. You’re my hearts forever. I have been waiting all my life for you and I am not about to give up.” Evan pulled the box back up and opened it.
“I was going to open the box and show you the ring, and I was going to pull it out and ask you to give me the chance to prove that I’m not going anywhere, that this is it, baby. You and me. Endgame. And I was going to ask, will you marry me?” Tommy’s breath caught and tears gathered in his eyes and he fought to keep them from falling.
“And I was going to say, because I knew this was an even bigger leap than moving in, that I know it’s only been six months. But I have spent my life watching people who I thought would be my forever walk away and none of them have caused me to hurt as much as watching you walk out of my door did. There has been a you sized hole in my life for so long now, and I’m done waiting for the universe to bring me something special, when it already did. In a handsome, hot as hell, six foot two, firefighter pilot that swept me off my feet with his fake mouth static and eye-opening kiss in my kitchen. And I didn’t want to spend one more second without you by my side. Even if it took us six months or six years to make it down that aisle. You’re worth the wait.”
Tommy felt a single tear fall, and a smile lit up his face. “You were going to say all that?”
“More or less.” Evan shrugged at him.
“And what about now?”
“I’m waiting for an answer. Tommy, I want to be with you. You’re my forever, baby. If you could put me out of my misery here, I kind of went down on my bad knee like an idiot.” Evan laughed and grimaced in pain.
Tommy reached down and pulled Evan up to him. Holding him steady as he adjusted his bad leg again. “Are you really asking, Evan? Because if you were really asking, my answer would be yes.”
“I’m really asking, Tommy. Yes?”
“Yes.” Tommy said as he pulled Evan to him and brought their lips together in a kiss that made them both see clearly their future. “Evan” Tommy whispered against Evan’s lips.
“Yeah?”
“Put my ring on.” Evan laughed and pulled away from Tommy’s lips. Pulling the ring from the box, he grabbed Tommy’s left hand and slid it into place. Evan lifted Tommy’s hand to his lips and kissed the place where the ring now sat.
“Perfect fit.” He whispered, looking at Tommy.
Tommy pulled Evan to him again, pushing him back toward the stairs. Reaching for the bottom of his shirt as they went. Evan caught on quickly, clothes flying across the loft as they made their way to Evan’s bed and fell into it. Tommy pulled Evan on top of him and into another kiss as they reconnected in a way only lovers could.
“Were you really going to show up at my house on Christmas and ask me to marry you? After not talking about anything?” Tommy asked as they lay together holding each other close.
Evan smiled and paused the movement of his fingers against Tommy’s chest. “More or less. I was trying to give you time to reach out. I figured if I didn’t hear from you by Christmas, I’d come to you.”
Tommy smiled and kissed Evan’s temple. “I love you.” He whispered.
Tommy lifted his left hand and looked at the ring that now sat upon it. “It looks much better on your finger than I imagined when I bought it.”
“It’s a very nice ring. How long have you been holding onto this?”
“Just a couple weeks.”
“I like it. I’m going to get you one. We’ll go tomorrow after shift.”
“I can wait.”
“No, I’m going to show the world that Evan Buckley is mine.” Evan laughed and looked at Tommy. Leaning down, Evan kissed Tommy.
“Forever, baby.” Evan whispered, kissing him again. Laying his head back on Tommy’s chest, the silence stretched on before them.
“Oh, you remember my neighbor Mrs. Jones?”
Tommy nodded his head and smiled. “Yeah.”
“I saw her daughter in her apartment the other day. She died Sunday night.”
Tommy’s body went stiff at the news. He had just talked to her five days before. “What? What happened?”
“Her daughter said she went peacefully in her sleep. Natural causes. She wasn’t sick.”
“Wow. I- uh, wow, that’s crazy.” Tommy thought back to the last conversation he had with her. She was the reason he was here with Evan now. He closed his eyes, as he wrapped his arms tightly around Evan again, and sent up a silent thank you into the universe for the older woman’s words of wisdom and listening ear. Because she dared to make him hope that Even would open the door and let him in, Tommy didn’t have to live the rest of his life with his own “one that got away”