Chapter Text
The fire cracked low as Rook tightened the blanket around her. The sound mirrored her own inner turmoil, feelings threatening to break to the surface as she clutched her cup of coffee. She watched Lucanis with rapt attention, the man busying himself in the kitchen as he baked something delicious. It was an annoyingly endearing habit. When he was unsure what to do, he made food.
She would have to make a note to go to HEB soon.
It wasn't that she didn't appreciate his thoughtfulness. Honestly if anyone was going to show up on her doorstep unannounced, she was glad it was him. But a warning that he was visiting for the Christmas break might have staved off a lot of her current irritation. This time of year she rarely saw anyone. Preferring to live as a hermit until after the new year. She had too much trauma to put that evil on anyone else.
She hadn't meant to snap at him. She really was happy to see him. But she wasn't sure how to erase the hurt she had seen in his eyes as he stood in her doorway with hope and she all but raged at him. Or the current way his spine was a little too straight. Hands trembling just slightly.
For the love of Andraste, she had really messed up this time.
She wished she could call Davrin. Or better yet Neve. They would know what to do. Hell even Taash would be helpful, though they would probably just tell her a good roll in the hay fixes everything.
And she wasn't that desperate. Yet.
“Here. I know you don't like chocolate, so I made you these instead.” She was shaken from her thoughts by Lucanis handing her a freshly baked sugar cookie as he took her cup of coffee and sat it on the table. She looked up at him with a sad smile, knowing she had no right to feel as elated as she did after she had yelled at him.
Sugar cookies were her favorite. She was amazed he had remembered the brief comment made in passing. And tears clouded her vision as she realized he was obviously trying to patch things up between them in his own way.
“Oh, Luc. Thank you,” she sniffled as she nibbled on the most amazing cookie she had ever tasted. The feelings inside were finally too much, and spilled out across her cheeks as she nestled further in her blanket.
How to explain to him what she was feeling? The turmoil inside her? That she was a mess and he deserved better.
His face morphed into distress as her tears slid down unbidden. He couldn't stop himself from joining her on the couch, arms snaking around her as she willingly let him pull her against his chest.
“Cariñito , don't cry. I can leave. Right now. I never meant to upset you.” He peppered kisses into her hair as she buried against him. She fought for control of herself, hiccuping several times before she was finally able to speak.
“Don't go-” she managed before another sob took her. Despite the messiness inside her, one thing she knew was that she needed him right now. Dealing with her own trauma had never been her strong suit, and as much as she didn't want to do this today, Lucanis made it easier on her.
“You've just been so sad the last few weeks. I thought surprising you by coming here would make it better. I should have asked you. Please forgive me,” he begged and she would have laughed had she not been so torn. Her sweet, incredible Lucanis actually thought he was the problem.
Maker, what had she done right to deserve such a man?
“Luc,” she breathed out his name as he cradled her. The sound of his steady heartbeat soothed her, and she finally found her voice as she laced her fingers with his. “It isn't you, darling. It's me.”
Her words confused him. In his eyes she was perfect. This disconnect inside her was surely his fault. The result of their long distance relationship. Or his inability to put exactly what he felt into words.
The number of times he had started to say ‘Te…’ and left the rest hanging-
He took a deep breath as he considered his next words carefully. There was clearly something bothering his Rook. Had been for the last few weeks. But he wouldn't push her. He was always waiting for her.
But she would have to decide when she was ready to meet him.
“Do you want to talk about it, cariño? Or do you just want me to hold you until it doesn't hurt anymore?” Either option was fine with him. As long as he was with her, they could figure the rest out in time.
She traced lazy circles on his palm as she considered her options. Dealing with her bullshit was painful. But if she was going to move on. If she was to build a life with this man who currently held her like she was his most precious thing. She was going to have to deal with this sooner or later.
“Talk,” she stated as she wiped her face before leaning back to look him in those soft brown eyes full of understanding.
“You know I could listen to you talk for hours,” he chuckled as he tried to ease her tension. And she smiled despite the apprehension she felt brewing inside.
“You're too good for me, Lucanis Dellamorte,” she began before she closed her eyes to steady herself. She allowed the invisible wall she always kept up to crumble, and slowly started shifting through old hurts and deep wounds.
“I'm messy,” she sighed. “And broken. And you know how most people love Christmas? Well I hate it. For good reason,” she spat as she stared down at her hands. “Most wonderful time of the year my ass. Always fighting. And lonely. Stupid girl. No one wants you.”
He had noticed a curious lack of a tree or any decorations since his arrival, but had not mentioned it. And as much as he didn’t like her words, he refused to interrupt her now. Not when she was so raw and vulnerable. Though later he made a note to show her just how worthy of him she was. And just how much she was wanted.
“I know you have asked a few times about my family. My real family. And I always dodge you. Well it's not something I like to talk about very often. That's why I don't date. Not seriously anyway. People ask questions. They want to get to know you. They want to be close. And in the end they always hurt you.”
It killed him to see her like this. She was empty. Talking as if it was about someone else and not herself. But her words were so laced with venom he could see how deeply she had been cut. How much she still bled.
His hands reflexively tightened around her. Part of him wanted to stop this. To halt her pain. But the words were tumbling now. Once started, she just couldn't stop.
“The only two people who ever really cared about me are Davrin and Taash. They saved my life honestly. We were just a couple of stupid kids who met in 4H in high school. The people who birthed me hated me. Treated me like an outcast. Taash's mom was- well Shathann was a lot. Especially with everything Taash had going on. And Davrin's grandparents were raising him on the farm after his mom and dad were killed in the Blight. We were a misfit trio but we got each other through. They are my family. I don't even recognize those other people.”
He could see a fresh wave of tears threatening to fall, but she held them back. He ran his hands across her shoulders, trying to offer her some comfort as she trembled with the effort it took to hold it together.
“But we grew up, yanno,” she sighed as she ran a frustrated hand through her hair. “Davrin met Bels. Taash met Harding. And don't get me wrong I'm so happy for them. Maker knows they deserve it. And I tried. Yall if I ever tried. But I was always the loner. Always shutting everyone out.”
“Rook,” it was finally too much and Lucanis had to intervene. That may have been the past, but he was here now. They had crashed into each other in a tangle of fate and chance, and there was no force that would have him let her go.
She put her fingers to his lips, some of her fury slipping at the connection. Silencing him with a gentle shush before she continued. “I know darling. I'm getting there.” She kissed his cheek for reassurance as some of the tension eased from his shoulders.
“Everything changed of course the night I met you,” she whispered. She was jittery, the weight of the words was heavy on her. But one brush of his hand against her cheek steeled her resolve. She couldn't lie, he was her strength. “I know we haven't been at this long. I know you live three states away. But I also know you are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. And that makes me fucking terrified. You could hurt me. For the first time in a long time someone could really get to me. But as much as you hurting me pertifies me, not taking the chance with you is a hundred times scarier.”
She looked so small then. All her feelings for him laid bare as the fire danced along her skin. Her eyes were red rimmed. Cheeks flushed from her tears. A slight tremble along her flesh that had nothing to do with the cold.
And Lucanis thought she had never looked more beautiful.
“Te amo, mi amor. I love you more than life itself,” he promised as he pressed a kiss to her shoulder. Her eyes were wide, his confession crashing into her in a wave of elation and hesitancy.
“Are you sure?” her voice cracked. She wanted to hope. To grab onto what he was saying and tuck it into her heart to never let it go.
But life had made her question even something so pure.
“With all my heart, Rook. You are more than worthy of me. You make my days bright and my life complete. And as soon as I can settle things with Caterina I want to come live here with you. If you want me, that is?”
She threw her arms around him, burying her face in his neck as she answered his question without words. Of course she wanted him. Tonight and every night.
“I know I can't change the past, mi amor. But I'm here for the present. For a future with you. For whatever you want that future to look like together.” He brought her hand to his lips as he kissed her knuckles. Such a sweet gesture melting her as she smiled.
“I'm still messy, Luc. But I promise to keep working on myself. To try to heal. To be better for you. I won't always be perfect, but I'm damn sure going to try,” she promised.
“I don't need perfect. I just need you, Rook. I want to give you new memories. Happy ones. I never want to see you sad again.”
She rolled his words over for a moment before a smile split her face. There were things she had always wanted. Always craved.
And maybe she could finally have those things. Maybe, with Lucanis, she could finally live.
“Alright Mr. Dellamorte,” she teased as he rolled his eyes. “Maybe we can start small. I guess if you are going to be here for Christmas I really should go get a tree.”
How much of an adjustment that was for her was not lost on him. She really was trying, and he was forever grateful for her.
“Alright I will take you to get whatever tree you want. But we have to decorate it. Maybe even top it with a cowboy hat.”
She laughed then. A genuine hearty laugh that she hadn't realized how much she needed.
Maybe this new life with him wasn't such a bad gig after all.