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Sakura grew up knowing that his existence had people looking the other way. He looked weird and he was by far the hardest kid to manage. It was a continuous cycle, trying to prove a point, trying to behave, trying to do everything the people wanted, it was all just so exhausting!
And despite his efforts, despite the discipline that Sakura instilled in himself, he received nothing at all because of his crude nature.
It wasn’t that he was trying to be mean or anything on purpose, it was just, it was just that Sakura hated seeing how easy it was for people to harm others. How easy it is to snuff a light out without the other putting up a fight.
Sakura tried so hard, at some point, to fit in, and be like the other kids, but he knew – deep inside – he knew that no matter what corner he walked into, no one saw a kid, but a misfortune.
He wasn’t normal. He wasn’t good. He wasn’t even wanted. It was a reality that Sakura accepted at some point, looking at the words etched on his desk that told a lot, and never enough.
Sakura wasn’t wanted. He never was due to his looks, due to his brash behavior, and due to – too well, just existing.
His traits and qualities weren’t wanted. Nobody liked them. It was a harsh pill to swallow at the age of five, but it was a reality he had to learn in order to survive in the real world because that was just it.
Reality.
Harsh and in-discriminatory against those who didn’t fit in her status quo or those who didn’t pick themselves up before getting crushed by her heavy nature. There wasn’t going to be kindness in Sakura’s life and from the memories he had since birth, he knew, he absolutely knew there was no changing the reality of his world.
Because no one, and Sakura meant no one, would challenge his truth.
Till Furin came around.
They challenged everything he knew. They challenged everything he understood. They challenged his entire ideology of never finding – well, kindness. This was another one of those ‘pills to swallow,’ but Sakura was having none of it.
Wanting things or loving things just couldn’t be possible for Sakura. It could, for other people, but not for Sakura Haruka. No, not him. No one wanted him. No one loved him.
There were no such things as Sakura being able to stay without any strings attached. That was the truth. The truth of Sakura’s world.
No, he couldn’t keep the food he was given, it was probably tampered with. No, he couldn’t hang out, what if it was another prank? Or – or another ganging up on the ‘new kid’ situation? No, he didn’t want to have company or support!
Those never last and even if they do. . . “Just what the hell do you want from me?” It was a question that ran wild through his head multiple times. No one ever wanted Sakura so, why start now?
What did Furin see in Sakura that Sakura couldn’t see? What did they see if they wanted Sakura of all people, to stay, permanently? It was. . . confusing. Everything was just so confusing for Sakura because they kept doing these mundane things and bizarre activities and always, always and always, invited him to join.
They always included him and it was just so – so considerate. Sakura hated it.
He hated how easy it was to feel warm. How easy it was to breathe easier without holding his breath. How easy it is to feel wanted, to feel loved, and not worry about being lonely tomorrow. How easy it was to love without boundaries in ways that were so – so foreign to him.
Sakura hated it. He hated it all.
So, he refused to go to class one day. He didn’t want to see them; he didn’t want to feel the warmth that was all-encompassing. He didn’t want to be fooled. Didn’t want to fear the rug being pulled from underneath his feet. Sakura didn’t want to be loved.
It was so weird. So hard to accept that being loved was just – so easy to do, to feel. Why, why couldn’t he have this from the beginning? Did he end up in this place just because the world finally gave him mercy? Or was this just a sick joke that was ready to be revealed at any moment now?
Sakura didn’t know. He didn’t want to know if it was fake. He was afraid that if it were all a measly joke, he’d never recover from it quickly because just as easy it is to hate a new place that challenges everything he has ever known – it's just so, so easy to fall in love with it all at the same time.
And Sakura loathes it.
How easy it was to love. How easy it was to hate. Sakura hated it. He hated it all.
Then he heard the knocks. The knocks were so unusual, so easy to guess who it was. Sakura swallowed because he didn’t want to see them, couldn’t they see that? Couldn’t they guess from the way Sakura was blatantly ignoring their messages?
Couldn’t Suo and Nirei know that Sakura didn’t want to talk to them? To any of them?!
Apparently, the answer was no because then the door opened, and the sound of his name was being heard. It was all too much, everything was too much, and – and the way they said his name.
The worry. The concern. He didn’t deserve it. He didn’t deserve any of this.
It was quiet for a bit, soft murmurs, and the shadows in front of his sliding door. Why? ‘Why do you care so much for me? Why do you care for me?’ Sakura prided in himself for being able to stand up straight, shoulders back, and confidence that was hard to rival because he never had anyone else to rely on, but himself.
But now? Now?
A small hiccup escaped, the truth, and the bafflement were so hard to comprehend. Sakura hated it. He hated how easy it was to love and to be loved back! It was driving him insane waiting for the next shoe to drop.
For everything nice to be gone.
Sakura didn’t want it to end. He didn’t want this warmness to end.
That was the way of life. His life. He couldn’t want things. He didn’t need things. He just needed to survive, to be better than those who wronged him. Sakura just needed to be enough.
He was going to be alone for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t be able to love. He wouldn’t be able to care for anyone else. His heart has hardened and there was nothing good in his self to be worthy of ‘love.’
But Furin came. Nirei came. Suo came. Everyone just came one by one and took a liking to him that was so hard to reciprocate. Sakura didn’t understand it. He couldn’t comprehend what they saw in him. What they needed him to do and that – that was not okay.
Like a dam cracking, tears escaped his eyes, slowly growing in noise, but never enough to be loud. The door of his bedroom slid open and Sakura huddled closer to himself to ignore them. To ignore Nirei and Suo.
Everyone. Everyone deserved better. They didn’t need Sakura to stay. They didn’t need to like him or love him or tolerate him! Why couldn’t they just hate him? Why couldn’t they just, he doesn’t know what else to think, to say, loathe his existence?
Tell him mean things. Anything, anything but this love that they give to him so willingly because someone else, someone else might need it. Sakura has seen it. There are more people out there that need this love more than himself.
He wasn’t worthy of it. He wasn’t worth their love and that hurts. It hurts to know he isn’t worthy just yet and it – it – everything was just too much! Sakura never understood them, he couldn’t understand their love, their care, their everything, god-fucking-damn it.
Sakura gritted his teeth, trying to keep all his emotions, his fears, inside, to not let Nirei and Suo look at him being so pathetic in his futon. In his home. He didn’t want them to be here, couldn’t they see it now? Or did they enjoy his pain? Were they like everyone else?
Would their kindness ever go away now? Sakura didn’t know, didn’t understand the phrase “to love and to be loved” till he was at Furin. Where loving came just so easily. So – so calmly and sweet.
A sniffle and another hiccup, soft hands weaved themselves through his locks, and Sakura wept more because why? “Why is it so – so easy for you?”
Silence. Dreadful, aching, blusterous silence continued till, “What do you mean, Sakura-kun?” Suo.
Suo said that and Sakura wanted to lash out because what did Sakura mean by that? What did he mean by that, really?! Couldn’t they see it? Couldn’t they figure it out on their own?
But if he did that. . . If he shouted, if he bit more than he could chew. . . would he be pushing away the love he received? Would he be getting rid of all the laughter? The smiles? Sakura didn’t want to be alone.
He didn’t want to lose any more than his dignity, right now. He didn’t want to be like the people who broke him into pieces. Sakura dreaded ever becoming the people who only caused harm and hurt to those unnecessarily.
Sakura’s fists were tightly balled up, but a smooth hand grabbed one of them. Fingers intertwined one another and a smooth thumb rubbed itself to reassure the owner of the hand that they were here. That they will wait for however long it may be till the latter decides to speak on their own terms.
Why? “Why treat me so. . . so kindly?” Sakura cried, holding the hand tightly, but so carefully like he was ready for the other hand to pull away any second now.
But Suo didn’t. He held on firmly like a steady stone and the soft fingers running through his hair, gently scratched Sakura’s scalp as Nirei grabbed the other fist. Firmly tucking it in his hold.
The tears, the everything, aren’t they disgusted? Aren’t they ashamed or something? Why. Why were they so kind? Why. Why. Why. Why. Why!
However, before Sakura could say anything, he didn’t have to say anything because Nirei and Suo knew what Sakura needed to hear – what he desperately deserves, “We love you, Sakura-san.”
. . . That wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t a lie, but – but was it truly not a lie? Were these just sweet little lies – “We love spending time with you, I’m not sure how many times we will have to say this, but –”
“It’s the truth, Sakura-kun. You’ll just have to believe in us when we say this to you, no matter how many times.”
Sakura’s lips wobbled and seeing the sincerity, the genuinity, the truth. . . Sakura wasn’t sure how to confront it. He didn’t know how to accept it, to believe it, but if there was something that Sakura did understand through all of this. . . Nirei and Suo, his first – and closest – friends will never lie to him.
Ever.
Because they love him the way Sakura loves them.
There wasn’t a lie in their words and that was a truth, a pill that he could swallow without being afraid of choking on it. Even, if the words are hard to believe if for his entire life. . . He wasn’t wanted. It wasn’t easy to erase the words that were the truth for all of his life.
Nirei leaned a little, whispering softly as he squeezed Sakura’s hand, “And we’ll tell you this no matter how many times it takes us to make you believe it.”
Sakura released a shaky sigh, tears streaming slowly, and Suo raised his other hand, wiping away the tears in Sakura’s heterochromatic eyes, “In due time, Sakura-kun, in due time. . . You'll realize we will never, ever, get tired of you.”
Nirei and Suo said so sweetly.
So comforting.
‘Just take your time, we’ll be here, forever and always, standing by your side, and showing you a new experience beyond what you could’ve imagined from your tall and mighty stone walls that protected your heart from fully shattering.’
“We love you, Haruka.”
“Don’t forget that, Haruka.”
It was a hard pill to swallow, but one that Sakura took carefully with water. . . And warmth.