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It’s been months since the day Tommy left him alone in his loft, a soft “See you around, Buck,” falling from his lips. Buck couldn’t help but snort. Guess that was a lie too.
There had been moments when they worked the same scene, but even then, the most they saw of each other was a brief glimpse before the helicopter took off with a patient or Buck hopped back into the truck.
The urge to call Tommy had died a little. In the beginning, it felt like an itch just below the skin—something so annoying and constant that he got no relief from it. He was constantly checking his phone, waiting for the texting bubbles to transform into actual words. When that never happened, he found himself pouring his longing into baking.
He’d never been much of a baker before, but the recipes he loved to make involved some sort of baking, and he needed something to get his mind off things. A fridge full of baked goods later, and he started to realize that he may have baked a little too close to the sun. Slowly, though, the urge to bake dwindled, as did his urge to contact Tommy.
It’s not to say he didn’t miss him. He did. Every day, he found a new way to miss Tommy’s presence in his life, but the ache wasn’t as intense and he found himself being able to focus on other things again. With Eddie’s move being mere weeks away, he truthfully found himself distracted by different things.
Today was one of his slower days. He was on his 48 hours off and had spent the better part of it cleaning and running errands he had put off. Now, he could reward himself with a well-deserved lazy day off. It’s been months since he had one of those, and he already could feel himself relaxing at just the thought of his bed.
Before he could finish the trek up the stairs, a knock sounded at the door.
Buck fought off a groan. After one last longing look at his bed, he turned and descended the stairs with a quick “Coming!” shouted at whoever was on the other side.
Glancing through the peephole, his breath caught at the sight of Tommy fidgeting on the other side. Instantly, all the hurt and longing came rushing back as if it had never gone, and he was scrambling to open the door.
“Tommy,” he breathed, drinking in the sight of the man before him. He was as handsome as always, but as Buck raked his eyes over him, he could see points where he wasn’t as put together as he once was.
“Buck,” Tommy replied, “Can we talk?”
Buck fought to keep his face clear. Between his heart pounding in his ears and the feeling of wrongness at hearing his nickname falling from Tommy’s lips, he wasn’t sure how well he succeeded. He stepped aside, watching as Tommy stepped through for the first time in months. He hung his jacket on the hook that was basically his for months before stepping further into the loft.
“Would you like anything to drink?” Buck asked as he made his way to the kitchen. He needed to keep his hands occupied, or else he’d fidget. He needed to do something to keep his mind off the memory of the last time Tommy sat in that chair.
“Waters fine.” With a nod, Buck reached for one of the bottles on the counter instead of opening his fridge. Tommy preferred room-temperature water. Plus, he didn’t need to see the state of his fridge. The urge to bake had dwindled, but more treats were in his fridge than was probably recommended.
Passing over the bottle, Buck sat across from him, nodding at the thanks he got.
“What is it you wanted to talk about?” He tried to keep his voice steady, but the longer Tommy sat quietly, the more anxious he became. His mind drew up a hundred different scenarios, and he just needed this whole thing to get started so he could begin to relax.
“Tom一 “ He began, growing impatient before he was cut off.
“Have I ever told you about how I coped with being under Gerrard?” Tommy wasn’t looking at him, just staring at the water bottle's label as he picked at it.
“No?” Confusion laced Buck’s tone. What did this have to do with him? Why was he being told months after Gerrard had been dealt with?
“Of course,” Tommy said with a slight shake of his head, “I forced myself to fit into the box he created for me. He wanted this strong, hypermasculine, intolerant firefighter, and that’s exactly what I gave him, and I hated myself for it. All my life, I’ve tried to shove myself into boxes of people’s expectations of me, from my father to my commanding officers to Gerrard. I’ve always had to be this bastardized version of myself to make sure I fit in. It’s a habit I’ve never really been able to break. Even when I went to Harbor, instead of figuring out who I was fully, I just created another box and shoved these expectations in there along with myself. I thought I was content, satisfied with this version of myself, and then you came along.” With watery eyes, Tommy locked eyes with his for the first time all night.
“Suddenly, there I was, stepping out of these boxes and actually living life rather than just being a participant in it, and I was so happy. I didn’t feel this need to create a new box. I was just Tommy to you, and you accepted me like that. Then I came over for that date, and suddenly you’re talking about moving in together and how we’re allowed to get married, and I began to panic because after so long it felt like I was supposed to fall back into this 一 “
“Box.” For the first time since Tommy began, Buck began understanding. In his excitement and acceptance of the future, he disregarded how Tommy might have felt.
“Right, and well, you know the rest,” A sardonic chuckle followed the comment. “I couldn’t stop myself from running, but Evan, you have to understand. You have to know I saw it too. I saw us living together with rings that matched. God, I even saw kids, and for someone like me who barely thought past a few months, this all terrified me. So, I did what I did best, and I ran. I ran, and I tried to fit back into just being that LAFD pilot and fit into that box, and I couldn’t, and like hell I was going back to any of the others. I couldn’t be who I was before you. I didn’t 一 don’t know how. You’ve changed me, Evan.”
Buck could feel his own eyes well up with tears. For months, he had wanted some type of communication. In the beginning, it was all about reconciliation. As time passed, he soon found himself awake on nights when his thoughts were just a bit too loud, longing for closure. Here it was at last, and yet, despite all the scenarios he played in his head, he was at a loss for words.
“I’ve wanted to talk to you so many times. There were so many unsent messages and phone calls, but I could never find the courage or the right words. What words could I say that would make any of this better? That would explain just how important you are to me? I knew I had to come in person and talk to you, face to face, to get the message across.” With that, Tommy took another gulp of water, wrapping his still-shaking hands around the bottle.
Buck licked his lips, mind racing as he thought about what to say. As Tommy spoke, he could feel all the emotions he had long since buried flicker up again. Despite his understanding of the situation, now he couldn’t stop the feeling of anger and hurt from rearing their ugly head.
“All my life,” Buck paused, licking his lips. Maybe he should have grabbed a water. It would have helped with the tightness in his throat. “All my life, I have lived with people who think they know what’s best for me, from my parents, to Maddie, to Bobby, you. I’ve let it happen, figuring it was easier that way, but I am so sick and tired of people making choices instead of asking me. It would save me so much time. So much pain if people would just talk to me.” He couldn’t stop the tears from spilling over, too hurt and angry to care.
“Ev—” Tommy reached out, looking like he would try to comfort him, but Buck held up a hand.
“No. You got to speak. Now, it’s your turn to listen.” He didn’t mean for it to come out as a hiss, but damn was he hurting.
Tommy nodded, folding his hands around the bottle while waiting for Buck to continue.
“You know what’s funny? With everyone who left me I could figure out exactly why. With my parents, I was too much. Maddie, I was too needy,” He knew now, as an adult, why he was left behind, but at the time, Maddie had just become another on his list of those he disappointed. “With Bobby, I was too reckless. But, God, Tommy, with you? With you, I thought I was just enough. I ripped myself apart, trying to figure out what the fuck I did wrong. I tried to find any signs that I was becoming too something, and I couldn’t.”
He was heaving now, breaths coming too fast with all the emotion, but he couldn’t stop. All the thoughts that he’s had for months were now spilling out.
“And, okay, I jumped the gun. I realized that night as I was canceling out movie tickets. I know now I should have taken a breath and thought about what I would say, but damn, was I ready for more with you. You have no idea because, for once, I had thought I found someone who accepted me, flaws and all, and then you ran, and I was left behind again!” Taking a shaky breath, Buck tried to find a way to get his emotions back in order. They had gotten him into this mess, and he didn’t want to risk saying something he didn’t mean.
“It’s not all on you,” Tommy said gently. “I should have sat you down and had a conversation with you. I should have been more open.”
All Buck could do was place his head in his hands, his composure shot to hell. For once, the silence in the loft provided a sense of comfort, only the sound of Tommy’s fidgeting with the bottle and Buck’s soft breaths breaking it.
“In the spirit of being more open,” Tommy continued quietly, “These past few months have made me realize just how intertwined our lives were and how much I miss you in mine. Evan, I don’t want to spend another moment missing you.”
A broken sob left Buck’s lips. How many times had he wished to hear those words, and yet…
“I want to say yes to you so badly, Tommy,” Buck dragged his hand across his face, forcing himself to look Tommy in the eye. “I want so badly to jump into your arms and kiss you and promise that everything is going to be okay now, but I can’t because you know what? I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared that tomorrow, or next month, or two years from now, you’re going to wake up and decide you no longer want me. I’ll be left high and dry again, and I honestly don’t think I can survive that. I don’t think I can put myself through that. Not again, not with how long it's taken me to find some semblance of okay again.”
There was a brief moment of hesitation, doubt crossing Tommy’s face before he reached out and placed his hand over Buck’s. Buck flinched, instinct and hurt telling him to pull back, but he had wanted to feel this touch just one more time for months. He couldn’t help himself. If this was the last time he ever got to do this, then he would refuse to deny himself.
“I’m scared too,” Tommy said, his tone honest. Buck looked up, searching his face as he spoke. “I don’t think there’s ever going to be a day where I don’t fear that you’ll grow tired of me.”
There was that sad little smile again. Buck wanted nothing more than to replace it with another look.
“Evan, you’re so bright, so full of life. You bring joy to every endeavor you choose, and I was 一 I still am scared that one day, you’ll look at me and find me lacking. But past that fear, I know nothing would compare to the love you showed me and the love I still feel for you. That outweighs the fear, and I couldn’t continue on another day without you back. If you ask me to leave now, I’ll respect your wishes, but I can leave knowing I laid my feelings out for you.”
“You love me?” His voice was breathy, the shock seemingly taking all the air out of his lungs. For the first time during this whole conversation, his mind quieted, focused on that one aspect of the conversation.
“With every fiber of my being.”
“Say it again.”
“I love you.”
Buck surged forward, overwhelmed by the distance between them. His hands found their way back to their regular perch on Tommy’s body, one at his nape, the other against his chest. Pulling him forward, he crashed their lips together.
It’s not the best kiss—far too salty with their tears and not gentle in the slightest—but he could feel months of hurt and anger melt away. In its place, along with the still flickering fear, hope began to blossom.
Pulling back, Buck couldn’t stop the smile that overtook his face.
“I love you too,” he whispered, leaning down for a quick peck. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that sooner.”
“You’re telling me now,” Tommy replied, a smile playing across his lips.
They had a long road ahead of them. There would be long conversations, honesty, and more tears making up more than half of them, but together, they would build a relationship to be proud of. They would grow together, forcing each other to trust in their love and avoid misunderstandings. It was not always perfect, but it was theirs.
For now, though, they stayed wrapped in each other’s arms, trading kisses and making up for lost time.
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