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The rain followed Rory to London. She didn’t text Logan when she landed, but she knew he was in town, working before the wedding. Her heart ached at this thought. Their last goodbye had felt so final.
Instead, she ignored any jet lag she had, decided not to care if she was judged for dragging along her small suitcase, bought an umbrella, and took the day to visit as many bookstores as she could on a list of bookstores she’d researched on the plane. Books were her safe haven. Along the way, she managed to find her one coffee-of-the-day and some scones that melted in her mouth. She collected a book from each store, tucking her purchases in her tote bag and imagining how someday, maybe, the book she had just finished writing might wind up on a shelf.
At around 7 PM, she found herself at Foyles – the largest bookstore on her list.
The place was huge and replete with elaborate stairs and floors and rows and rows of books. The shop workers let her park her suitcase at customer service so that she could explore unhindered. In person, the shop was much bigger than the virtual tour she’d watched online. The smell of the books was heavenly, and her arms were full of volumes to peruse before buying. Her grandfather would have been so happy here. She wondered if he’d ever been. She made a mental note to ask her grandmother next time she saw her.
Rory searched for a place to sit, but there were a lot of people taking the few spaces she uncovered.
And then, somehow, her meandering led her to the children’s section.
She froze.
The books she gathered were left behind, and her finger found and ran over the covers of all the children’s books that crossed her path.
She couldn’t pick one up. Not yet.
Then, she saw Paddington Bear on a cover. There he was with his honey brown fur, red hat, and blue overcoat. Maybe this was the one.
“Hey, Ace, what are you doing here?” came a familiar voice from behind her.
She nearly jumped out of her skin, unintentionally picking up the Paddington book and holding it to her chest as she turned around.
Logan stood before her, hands tucked into the pockets of his own blue overcoat, blonde hair damp from the rain, and brown eyes warm on her. She resisted the urge to hug him no matter how much it hurt.
He wasn’t hers anymore. He was getting married.
She looked around, worried that he was with Odette. But he was alone.
He touched her shoulder despite her best efforts to remain separate. “What’s wrong?”
“You startled me,” she finally managed as he dropped his hand away. “How did you know I was here?”
Logan held up his phone. “Find My Friends.”
She laughed – the sound coming out more anxious than anything. “Oh. Yeah. I forgot.” They’d added each other years ago, and she only let herself check for him when they scheduled a meet up.
He studied her. “Are you here with Emily? Or. . .” It was his turn to glance around.
“N-no. I’m by myself.” She drew her shoulders up and met his gaze. “I actually came here to see you.”
“And buy a bunch of books.” He, of course, noticed the heavy bag she was carrying. “Let me give that shoulder a break.” His fingers slipped under the strap, and she relinquished it. She noticed that he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring – not yet.
She gestured at the bag. “I’ve been to a lot of stores. I-I have a list of bookstores. Historical places and stuff.”
“Anything good?” He glanced at the book in her arms. “Revisiting your childhood?”
Rory’s smile was nervous, but she tried to hide it. “I love Paddington. With the blue coat and the marmalade sandwiches.” She set the book down even though she didn’t want to. She had to feel him out, and she wasn’t sure she was ready to tell him anything.
His eyes were bright and observant, but he didn’t comment on the bear. “Do you have time for dinner? Or have you already eaten?”
Her stomach asserted its bundle of nerves. He never offered dinner unless one thing was true. “I’m guessing Odette isn’t in town?”
“As a matter of fact, she’s not.”
“Oh.” She wanted to collapse in on herself and disappear, and she felt a wave of dizziness and nausea overcome her. Sometimes she had a touch of morning sickness in the afternoon or evening, which really wasn’t fair because shouldn’t morning sickness stick to the morning? It was already in the name. She willed it to go away.
Despite her best efforts, her hand fell to the table for steadying purposes, and for a moment, she thought she might slide to the floor. The floor would help.
“Rory?” His arm slipped around her waist, and she felt his body warm against hers as he held her upright. “Let’s find you a chair.”
Keeping her eyes closed to stave off potential vomiting, she followed his lead, and he eased her down, much farther than she thought. When she landed, she uttered another little, “Oh,” and opened her eyes.
He drew up a second child’s chair and settled down next to her. Oh, the irony. In more ways than one. “Can I get you some water?” He glanced around as if a vending machine might pop out of nowhere to provide said beverage.
“N-no. I just need a minute.”
She sat, elbows on the kids’ table and her head in her hands. She didn’t speak until the light-headedness and nausea passed. Logan was uncharacteristically silent, too, which she only realized when she began to feel a little better. She realized his hand was still on her arm, and she longed to lean into the touch again, but she couldn’t not until –
“I wasn’t sure I should tell you.” Why did he sound so vulnerable?
She turned her head to look at his face. He wouldn’t make eye contact with her, and now she had to know. “Tell me what?”
He glanced at her then, brown eyes finding hers. “I broke things off with Odette. The wedding’s not happening.”
She was so shocked that all she could manage was, “Why?”
“I didn’t. . . I don’t love her.”
Rory sat up then, nausea be damned. “Oh. I thought. . . there’s a plan.”
“A dynastic one? Yes, there is. . . was, but I realized I couldn’t do that to her because I love someone else. And marrying her wouldn’t be fair to her or the other person. Or to me either for that matter.”
Tears filled her eyes. “I d-don’t understand.” She closed her eyes. She couldn’t look at him when he told her about some other woman. “What did your parents say?”
“Oh, you know them. There was a lot of yelling about how I was ruining the family and the business. The second part might be a little true. My family lost a lot of money out of the deal, but they’ve been doing enough to ruin the family for a lot longer than me.” The childhood hurt was still layered in there; Rory could relate to that.
“I bet you told them so, too.” She wished she could have been there for him.
“I did.”
“How are things now?” She didn’t dare ask about the other person he loved.
Logan traced the corner of “Charlotte’s Web” with a finger. “Better. I think it helped that I didn’t take off and leave them to the mess. And there was a mess. Lots of things to cancel and not just the wedding caterer and photographer.”
“Business negotiations.”
“Exactly.” The corner of Logan’s mouth went up. “The ironic thing is that my dad said he was never prouder of me for standing up for myself. He always did like someone who had the guts to go for it.”
“Sounds like Mitchum.” Rory’s heart thudded in her chest. Did she have the guts to go for it? Rory-of-recent hadn’t had the guts to do a lot. She hadn’t broken things off with Paul, hadn’t found a job she loved, and hadn’t figured out a plan for her life. The only thing she had was a book she’d written, and well, a baby in her belly, but she still wasn’t ready to go there yet. “I finished the book.” She paused. “Not one I’m reading.”
“The one you were going to write.” Logan sounded happy. “That’s amazing! I’m not going to ask if I can read it but – ”
Rory pulled out the zip drive she’d been keeping in her pocket alongside the money from her mom, which had dwindled dramatically with her book-buying. “I just so happen to have a copy here.” Logan reached for it, and she held it away. “Before I give it to you, you have to promise you won’t pull strings for me.”
“For what? To get it published?” Logan laughed and then sobered. “That would be something old me would do. Fine. I promise. No string pulling.” He drew a cross over his heart.
She passed the small drive to him, their fingers brushing. She tried to hide the shiver she felt touching him again. She could swear he let the contact linger a bit longer than needed. “No judgment. But honest critique is good.”
“Do you want notes or editing suggestions? Glowing positive feedback about the good stuff?”
“D. All of the above.”
Logan chuckled. He tucked her story into his coat pocket. “Can do. I’m proud of you.”
She smiled. “Thanks.” They slipped back into this back and forth as easy as breathing, and she somehow found herself saying, “You deserve to get married for love. Not for convenience or some pre-determined plan.”
He looked pensive again, and she wasn’t sure why. Then, he asked, “Ace, aren’t you going to ask about the other person?”
She couldn’t. Not until she confessed how she really felt about him. She cleared her throat. “I need to say something first.”
He must have heard something in her tone. “Okay. Go for it.”
She studied her hands again. It seemed like she was always looking down when she felt unsure, exposed. But between her own feelings about Logan and the baby, this made things marginally easier. Fear thundered in her ears. “Logan, I. . . the thing we’ve been doing. The rules I set up for us.” She felt like she was right back in his dorm room confessing that she couldn’t do casual anymore. . . only this time, the love she felt was so much stronger and they had so much more history. “I can’t do it anymore.”
“I think I got that memo the last time I saw you.” Sometimes he was as carefully neutral as her mom, which drove her crazy.
“I wasn’t honest about why though. With myself or with you. Which is why I can’t ask about another woman you love until I’m honest, too.” Logan opened his mouth, and she held up a hand. “Wait because I just need to say this part before I can’t get up the courage to do it again.” Logan closed his mouth, and Rory rambled on. “I set those rules up because I was afraid. Afraid of getting hurt. Afraid that I’d mess everything up. Afraid that I’d hurt you again. I-I wasn’t ready to get married right after college, but I didn’t like hurting you. And I was wrong to try to control that hurt when we started up again. It wasn’t fair to you or me.” She took a breath.
“I went along with it though.”
She peeked at him and smiled. “My mom said that, too.”
“You talked about us with your mom?” Luckily, he sounded more amused than anything.
“I did. It helped a lot actually. And it helped me realize something else.”
“What’s that?”
She found his eyes this time. He stayed with her. “I love you, Logan, and I can’t lie to myself or to you anymore. And yes, lying by omission is still a lie.”
He was quiet a lot longer than she expected, and the desire to disappear into a bottomless hole rushed up on her again, but before she could push up from the kid-sized chair and flee, he said, “Rory, I love you, too.”
Oh, god, he did? Hot tears flew down her cheeks. “You do?”
He brushed her tears away, and she saw tears in his eyes, too. “I was just as scared. And I realized something else, too.”
“What’s that?”
“I didn’t. . . I don’t want you to feel like a side piece. I don’t want you to ever feel less than. That’s partly why I cancelled the wedding.”
“What’s the other reason?” She could tell there was something else.
“I don’t want a marriage of convenience like my parents.” Logan rolled his eyes at himself. “Maybe I think I deserve something more, too.”
She playfully shoved his arm. “You do.”
He leaned over and softly kissed her on the lips, leaning his forehead on hers. “What do all these confessions mean?”
She closed her eyes. There was a little matter of someone who didn’t seem quite real to her yet but who was very much important to the current conversation. “Hold on.” She stood then, ignoring the remnants of vertigo, and retrieved the Paddington book. Something about holding the book gave her courage. She returned to her seat.
Logan was watching her steadily. “Rory?”
“I have one more thing to confess. Well, it’s less of a confession, I think.” She’d thought of a million ways to share this news with him, and all of them had flown out the window because the Logan sitting next to her wasn’t getting married anymore and had just said he loved her, too.
“I think we already covered your deep love of Paddington.”
“Which you didn’t even comment on,” Rory teased.
“Ace.”
“Right.” She briefly worried with the inside of her cheek. “Do you remember the night you and the guys showed up in Stars Hollow?”
He rubbed her back. “I think we’ve established that it was very meaningful to me.”
“Well, that night was a catalyst for something else beyond making us realize we still love each other.” She was struggling, so she took him the roundabout way. “I talked to my dad. And Mom and Luke.”
Logan patiently waited.
“I wasn’t sure what to do. And after all those conversations, I realized it was a no-brainer.”
“What was?”
“Telling you.”
“You can tell me anything.” Logan meant this, too. She could always just be herself no matter what with him.
“I-I know. Some of it was my own childhood hangups. My dad. . . he wasn’t there, isn’t really there, and it still hurts. Will always hurt. Even if I’ve forgiven him and even if things are as good as they can be between us now. And writing this book. I mean, I realized how much miscommunication led to badness. And what Anna did to Luke. It wasn’t good. It hurt him so much. Even if he had me, not getting to be there for your own kid is. . . the loss is incomprehensible. There’s no amount of time now that can make up for it.”
“Rory, what are you saying?” She could tell something was shifting; he was putting the pieces together from her rambling nonsense.
Still, she needed to say the words plainly. “You and me? We made a baby that night. I had to tell you. I-I was so worried telling you would destroy your dynastic plan. But you have a right to know and a right to choose how much you want – ”
Logan interrupted her with another kiss. This one was deeper and longer, and she leaned into his arms. She felt so safe there. She never wanted to leave them again. He tenderly touched her belly. “Really?”
She nodded. “There’s a heartbeat and everything. I recorded it. It’s on the zip drive.”
Logan sat back and located the small drive. He smiled. “A heartbeat.”
She returned the smile. “It’s short. I barely got my phone out in time before the ultrasound ended.”
“I’m going to all the other ultrasounds.” Logan wasn’t asking a question. He was stating a fact.
“If you want.” She hoped he’d be there.
“I want. I’m not going anywhere.” He took her hand and put it over his heart. “And just to reassure you. I’m not your dad.”
“My parents were babies when they had me,” Rory said softly.
“And mine were self-absorbed.”
“We don’t have to be defined by our past.”
“We don’t. We’ll figure it out together. I love you, Rory Gilmore.” He stood and gently pulled her up with him. He plucked the book from her. “Let’s buy Paddington. You can read it to me and the baby.”
“Are you implying?”
“That I’ve never read Paddington? Yes, I’ve never read about this bear in a blue coat. My dad gave me newspapers to read as a kid.”
She huffed at him. “No, I mean. . .”
“Yes, ma’am. We’re going back to my place and ordering takeout. Do you have cravings? We’ll get whatever you want.” He slung her heavy book bag over his shoulder.
She retrieved her umbrella. She loved the idea of hiding away from the London chill and rain with him. “And we’ll talk more about everything?”
“As long as you want. I mean, unless you need to go back to Stars Hollow, and in that case, I’ll come with you. If you want me to.” He’d always been careful with consent.
“I don’t need to go.” She didn’t want to go. Not yet. She just wanted to be with him. “And I want you to come with me. Whenever you want to and can.”
“Good. I promise you we will figure everything out.”
“I know.” And she did. He always did follow through for her. She reached for him then and pulled him into a tight hug, her arms going under his coat. “I love you, Logan Huntzberger.”
He held her close and confessed, “I never stopped loving you, Ace. I’ve been waiting for you.”
“I think I’ve been waiting for you, too.”
The end.
12-17-24
12:06 PM