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“-Are you sure. Like absolutely sure cause this is a huge fucking deal.” Stan was walking down the hallway, coffee mixed with beer when he heard the voice of his daughter Robin’s voice. He had known that his daughter had her best friend Louis at the house so this must be very important.
After all, his daughter barely exaggerates anything so this must be a huge fucking deal if her voice was that serious. Stan chugged down every last drop of his coffee beer concoction and placed the mug as close as possible to the closed door.
“Yes I’m fucking sure Robin. My little sister found them yesterday.” Louis Black-Donovan said, he paused. Stan heard a piece of paper rustling from the other side. “She saw dad doing-you know what-with a guy in a Santa costume.”
Stan’s blood ran cold, he knew that, one Clyde and Tolkien’s kids call Tolkien dad and Clyde daddy and two that the Santa he knew would never do anything close to sexual, not even with his wife. He shuddered at the mere thought of Santa doing the deed with anyone.
That only singles out one person. The only one who would walk around town is the UPS man who also works at the mall when the real Santa couldn’t make it. Stan kept on listening, waiting for more information on what happened.
“Look Robin, I want to confront my dads as soon as possible but I’m just fucking terrified man. Like do I just go ‘hey daddy, dad’s cheating on you with a guy that delivers shit to our house all the time’ it’ll ruin him. He’s the one that does most of the online shopping so to him he’s just inviting a guy over to sleep with his husband.”
“So you're not gonna tell him?” Stan heard his daughter ask “I don't know man I just don’t know what to do anymore. Shit, I’m going to lose my whole family!” Louis’s voice starts to break “I can’t lose them.” He sobbed.
Stan had heard enough, he stomped down the stairs where his husband was still eating eggs and bacon while watching the TV. “Kyle! Call the guys. I need to tell you guys some fucking crazy news.”
“Stan, I told you to tone down the swearing when our daughter’s at home.” Kyle scolded his husband “Our daughter is our age when we started swearing Kyle but we need to talk about something fucking crazy.”
“What did I say about the swearing Stanley-” “Lay off on that will you and just tell them to come meet us at the Skeeter's bar. Everyone except Clyde and Tolkien alright.” Stan quickly said. “Why not?” Kyle asked as he changed the channel.
“Just trust me on this one man. I’ll tell you with everyone else.” Stan rushed to kiss his forehead. “I gotta get to work, okay, love you bye.” “Stan Brovloski-Marsh I am your husband for over thirteen years I should know before-” Before Kyle could finish Stan slammed the door at his face.
When nighttime finally came Kyle and Stan walked inside the bar. Inside was Kenny, Butters, Tweek, Craig and Wendy talking among themselves. Wendy waved at them when she saw the two of them and ushered them inside next to their seats.
“Thanks for coming guys.” Stan began “I heard some disturbing news from my daughter and her friend.” “Is that why Clyde and Tolkien aren’t here?” Butters asked. Stan coughed “Yes, so I was listening to a conversation between my daughter and their son-” “STAN what have I told you about giving Robin privacy?” Kyle yelled.
“No, Kyle, this is important. According to Tolkien and Clyde’s son, Tolkien was cheating on Clyde with a guy in a Santa costume.” his husband finished. The adults started to talk among themselves, shocked by what Stan had said. “Wait, wait how do we know that it isn’t just Clyde?” asked Kyle.
“I’m pretty sure their own son would know wha their own father looks like.” Craig said as he sipped his beer. “Okay but do we tell Clyde about this or should we just leave it alone.” asked Kenny.
“I don’t think it’s really our business what happens in their private life.” stated Tweek “If Eric was cheating on me with Santa I’d want you all to tell me as soon as possible.” Wendy spoke up. “Speaking of Cartman, where is he?” asked Butters “oh he’s on a work trip in Denver right now.” said Wendy.
“There’s only one guy in this town that’s dressed up as Santa and would do this and it’s not the real Santa.” Stan slammed his jug of beer down “It’s the UPS man isn’t it?” a voice came from the other side of the bar.
Randy Marsh was sitting alone, drinking a large jug of beer as he stared into the abyss. “Dad? When did you come here?” Stan was shocked at his sudden appearance. “I’ve been here long enough that I know the UPS man is probably fucking your husbands.” Randy’s voice was monotone.
“Can’t believe they are still around fucking people’s spouses. It used to be just our wives but now he swings for the same team.” “Wait sir, you handled the UPS man once right?” Kyle walked towards his father in law.
“Just call me dad Kyle, you’ve been my son for more than a decade by now.” Randy smiled at Kyle. “That doesn’t matter right now dad, how did you get rid the UPS man from fucking our spouses.” Stan yelled.
“You wouldn’t be able to handle it.” Randy chugged down the rest of his beer. “Your generation got too lazy, alway needing Amazon for things like this.” He went to pay for his tab and left the group confused.
The next day when Craig was cleaning up his son’s room he found a piece of paper hidden under his drawer. When he looked to see the content of it the world felt like stopping. It was a badly drawn stickman drawing doing it up the butt.
Two arrows pointing two with the other ends saying dad and UPS man and Craig has never cheated on his husband. Why would he do this? How could he do this? Tweek would never right?
“Hey Craig, have you finished cleaning up Tyler’s room?” Tweek yelled from downstairs. Craig quickly folded the drawing into his pockets and went down to the living room. He tries to hide his heartbreak when he sees his husband’s smile.
“Yeah, I’m going out tonight so don’t wait for me alright.” Craig walked to the kitchen to get some cold water. Fighting back tears from the betrayal he just faced. Almost twenty years of marriage apparently meant nothing to Tweek.
He called up the group, saying that he has got horrible news. Walking around the house like a zombie as Tweek took care of their fifteen year old son. When the doorbell rang Craig found the UPS man on the other side.
“Hey I have a package from Amazon for you.” The guy had a medium sized package in his hands. Craig tried to control his anger as he looked at the man that ruined his marriage. “Thanks.” he tried to force a smile.
“Just sign right here.” Craig signed and went back inside his house he spent years building with the man that had betrayed him for a fucking UPS man. “Oh, is that the package from Amazon?” Tweek asked.
“Yeah, I just got it.” Craig placed it on the floor. “What is it by the way?” “Y’know I actually forgot what I ordered most of the time.” Tweek laughed. “Oh so you just order stuff online and forget.” Craig’s voice was accusatory but Tweek didn’t seem to notice.
“Oh this is the teddy bear Tyler wanted, can you bring it up to him?” Tweek asked his husband. Craig scooped up the stuffed toy to his son’s room. When he got to the room he locked himself inside and tried to process everything that was happening he broke down into sobs.
He looked over all the pictures from they’re years of marriage, their first time holding their son, seeing him grow up and become the man he is today. Craig grabbed his phone and texted Stan, telling him to bring Randy alongside him.
-
“Tweek’s also fucking the UPS man.” Craig had his hands covering his face as he said it. Butters pats his back for comfort and the rest of the group is outraged. “How the fuck do we get this guy from fucking our husbands?” Wendy yelled. “It’s not just Craig now, Kyle’s been ordering stuff from Amazon and just forgetting about it and I’m sure he’s sleeping with that man. We need to stop him. How’d you do it dad?”
Everyone looked at Randy, who was at his third jug of beer. “When we thought that the old UPS man was fucking your moms we pulled him into a secure place where no one would catch us and then we jumped him. It was bad enough that it made him want to kill himself.”
“So that’s what we should do.” Kenny said “But first we need bane masks.” “What for? Asked Wendy. “Just trust me on this.” Kenny hissed.
The unsuspecting man went inside the van, Stan clicked the gun in his face. The man screamed when the man in the bane mask said. “Shut the fuck up and drive.” The man pleaded with Stan to leave him alone. Offering things in the back of the back until he pulled in to Stephenson's Hummer
“You should’ve left our husbands alone.” Stan growled. Wendy grabbed the man from behind with Craig, Kenny and Butters pouring in. The group beat the shit out of the man Craig in particular doing everything to punch his face and Butters kept on kicking his crotch while his husband broke the UPS man’s arm.
Wendy and Stan joined in the beating with Wendy yelling to stay away from her man. A scream made them stop what they were doing. They looked to their left and saw an employee run away from the scene.
“Thought we wouldn’t find out.” Craig tossed the childish drawing to the bleeding man. The man was groaning and choking on blood as the group left to their own homes.
When Stan got home Kyle was at the doorway, arms crossed with a frown on his face “We need to talk Stan.” Kyle said calmly. Stan walked inside with his husband and shut the door. “Why do you think that I'm cheating on you with the UPS man?”” Kyle cut to the chase.
“What, Kyle, what do you mean?” Stan stammered when the bell rang. When Kyle opened the door the UPS man was screaming and crying on his knees begging for help while Kyle just ushered him inside.
“Alright now we can address the issue.” Kyle sat down next to his husband on the sofa as the UPS man sat on the armchair. “Alright, now we can discuss this.” Stan said “I’ll say this once and I’ll say it again Stan, I’m not fucking him.” Kyle stated harshly.
“Wait a minute so that was what this is all about?” the UPS man cried out “We are a family and you need to leave.” Stan demanded “You think I don’t want to, I HATE IT HERE.” The UPS man yelled suddenly loud voices came from the outside of Stan and Kyle’s house.
“OH MY GOD THEY FOUND ME!!” he yelled running up the stairs. Kenny and Wendy barged into the house in bane masks and baseball bats. “Stan, we saw that bastard come in here where is he!?” Kenny yelled.
The UPS man ran towards Robin’s room where she was playing in her room. “Get back here!” Kyle yelled, chasing him. The UPS man panicked and jumped out of the window killing himself.
As the cops came to take the body Token and Clyde watched “What the fuck is going on?” asked Tolkien. “Clyde, I know that this is hard for you but Tolkien’s cheating on you wit the UPS man.” Kenny answered.
“Wait what?” Clyde sounds shocked and hurt. “He’s been fucking all our husbands so your not the only one.” Craig said “What, Craig I’m not sleeping with the UPS man.” said Tweek. “I saw our son’s drawing, he saw you buttfucking the UPS man.” Craig answered.
“Craig, that was Louis’s drawing Tyler was just holding that because Louis also went to his house and told him his sister saw Tolkien sleeping with a guy in a Santa outfit.” Tweek slapped his forehead.
“Oh, so that’s why Louis has been crying all the time?” asked Clyde, Tweek stared at them “Yeah, why?” “That was actually me, I was the guy in the Santa costume.” Clyde said, embarrassed.
“So the UPS guy was sleeping with no one?” Kyle asked. “Yeah” Clyde and Tolkien said together.
Well fuck.