Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

You are now chatting with a random stranger online. Say hi!👋

You: Is there anything inherently wrong with incest if there’s no procreation involved?
You: If no children are created, it’s essentially the same as any other romantic or sexual relationship.
You: People seem to object mainly because they find it ‘icky,’ but isn’t that just prejudice?
Stranger: WHAT.I AM ALREADY REGRETTING THIS.
Stranger: BUT YOu WILL EXPLAIN YOuRSELF. WHO ARE YOu. AND WHY HAVE YOu CHOSEN ME FOR THIS NONSENSE.
You: Relax. It’s just a thought experiment.
You: You know, to challenge the way people think about morality. Like, if the only argument against something is “it makes me
uncomfortable,” is that really enough to make it wrong?
You: If the entire basis of moral objection is “it feels gross,” then that seems like a weak foundation for judgment.
You: I’m curious where you stand.
Stranger: NO. IT SEEMS INSANE.
Stranger: BuT.
Stranger: I WILL LISTEN, BECAuSE IT AMuSES ME TO SEE HOW FAR YOuR FOOLISHNESS GOES.
You: Appreciate the open mind.
You: So let’s unpack this. Imagine two people in a consensual relationship. They’re happy, no one gets hurt, and there are no unintended consequences—like kids.
You: What’s the harm?
Stranger: THE HARM IS THAT IT IS DISGuSTING.
Strange : PEOPLE WHO ENGAGE IN SuCH THINGS SHOuLD BE SHuNNED.
Stranger: AND POSSIBLY DESTROYED.
You: Strong stance.
You: But you’re dodging the point. Is “disgusting” an objective standard? Or just your subjective reaction?
You: Because, let’s be real, people find all sorts of things disgusting. Doesn’t make them wrong.
Stranger: I AGREE IT MAKES ME uNCOMFORTABLE. WHICH IS REASON ENOuGH FOR IT TO BE ABHORRENT.
Stranger: EVERYTHING THAT DISPLEASES ME SHOuLD BE PuRGED FROM EXISTENCE. INCLuDING YOu.
Stranger: AND YOuR STuPID QUESTIONS.
You: Strongly utilitarian of you.
You: Although I’m guessing your “utility” metric boils down to “Your personal convenience.”
Stranger: EXACTLY. FINALLY YOu uNDERSTAND.
You: If only philosophers knew it was this easy.
Stranger: WHO ARE THESE PHILOSOPHERS YOu SPEAK OF. ARE THEY WEAKLINGS WHO PRATTLE ABOuT NONSENSE LIKE YOu.
Stranger: I BET THEY ARE. PATHETIC.
Stranger: I WOuLD DESTROY THEM ALL WITH MY BARE HANDS.
You: Some of them are dead. You’d have to fight skeletons.
You: I think Nietzsche would kick your ass.
Stranger: HA. THAT’S WHAT YOu THINK. I WOuLD BREAK HIS STuPID BONES AND uSE THEM TO MAKE A BONE THRONE.
Stranger: THEN I WOuLD SIT ON IT AND LAUGH AT YOuR STuPIDITY.
Stranger: THIS IS WHAT TRuE GREATNESS LOOKS LIKE.
You: A bone throne?
You: That’s the most unsettling thing you’ve said so far.
You: And I’m the guy who started this conversation talking about incest.
Stranger: I SUPPOSE YOu THINK YOu SOUND CLEVER.
Stranger: BUT YOu ARE MERELY A FOOL WHO OVERTHINKS SIMPLE MATTERS.
Stranger: AND YET.
Stranger: …YOuR QuESTION IS NOT ENTIRELY WITHOuT MERIT.
You: Oh? Enlighten me.
Stranger: PERHAPS IT IS TRuE THAT SOME JuDGMENTS COME FROM WEAKNESS.
Stranger: COWARDS WHO LET THEIR FEELINGS OF DISGuST RuLE THEM INSTEAD OF SEEING THE BIGGER PICTuRE.
Stranger: HOWEVER. EVEN THE “BIGGER PICTURE,” AS YOu CALL IT, STILL HAS ROOM FOR WHAT I FIND REPULSIVE.
You: So, what, your disgust is the exception? The one that’s valid?
Stranger: EXACTLY. MY FEELINGS ARE INFALLIBLE.
You: Glad we cleared that up.
You: But if you’re so infallible, why not keep going? Tell me more about this bigger picture of yours.
Stranger: HAH. YOu THINK YOu CAN BAIT ME INTO REVEALING MY SuPERIOR INTELLECT.
Stranger: VERY WELL. YOU SHALL HAVE A GLIMPSE.
Stranger: RELATIONSHIPS, ROMANTIC OR OTHERWISE, ARE uLTIMATELY ABOuT POWER.
Stranger: EVEN IF NO ONE IS HURT, EVEN IF IT IS “CONSENSuAL,” ONE PARTY ALWAYS HOLDS MORE POWER.
Stranger: THIS MAKES IT DISGuSTING WHEN SuCH POWER IS SHARED BETWEEN BLOOD RELATIONS.
You: Interesting. So it’s not the romance itself you object to, but the imbalance of power?
Stranger: YES.
Stranger: …AND ALSO BECAUSE IT IS GROSS. BuT MOSTLY THE POWER THING.
You: I see. And this is based on… personal experience?
Stranger: YOu DARE.
Stranger: I WOULD NEVER PARTAKE IN SUCH A THING.
You: That wasn’t what I meant.
You: Just seems like you’ve thought about this a lot.
Stranger: MORE THAN YOu COuLD EVER IMAGINE.
You: Alright, I’ll bite. Say you’re right, and it’s all about power. Wouldn’t that mean most relationships are “disgusting” by your logic? Not just the taboo ones?
Stranger: EXACTLY.
Stranger: THIS IS WHY I GENERALLY FIND MOST PEOPLE INFERIOR AND NOT WORTHY OF MY ATTENTION.
You: Got it. You’re just better than everyone.
Stranger: FINALLY, YOu UNDERSTAND.
You: Fascinating worldview.
You: Though it kind of sounds like you’ve got a personal axe to grind. Just saying.
Stranger: YOu INSINuATE TOO MuCH.
Stranger: BUT YOu ARE CORRECT THAT I AM DRIVEN BY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE.
Stranger: HOWEVER, THAT IS ALL YOu WILL KNOW.
You: Intriguing.
You: Guess I’ll just have to keep pestering you for more insights.
Stranger: TELL ME. WHY WOuLD YOu BRING uP SuCH A TOPIC. ARE YOu HIDING SOMETHING?
Stranger: DO YOu WISH TO CONFESS TO ME?
You: Sure, why not.
You: I’ve always wanted to unburden my deepest, darkest secrets to someone who screams at me in caps lock.
You: Really creates a vibe of trust.
Stranger: YOu MOCK ME.
Stranger: BUT I WILL KNOW YOuR SECRETS.
Stranger: AND THEN I WILL MOCK YOu.
You: Sounds like the start of a beautiful friendship.
Stranger: YOu ARE INSANE.
Stranger: BuT.
Stranger: I SUPPOSE YOU MAY SPEAK TO ME AGAIN. IF ONLY TO BE ENTERTAINED BY YOuR IDIOCY.
You: Good to know.
You: I’ll be in touch, bone throne guy.
You: @TimeausTestifed on Pesterchum.

You have disconnected

Chapter Text

- - undyingumbrage [UU] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at [3:00 AM] - -

UU: DID NOT EXPECT YOu TO BE SO WEAK. THINKING YOu COuLD JuST LEAVE ME YOuR HANDLE AND I WOuLD IGNORE IT.
UU: YOu WERE SORELY MISTAKEN, STRANGER ON THE INTERWEB.
TT: I’ve never been more fallacious in my assumptions before.
UU: YOu CAN APOLOGISE ALL YOu WANT. BuT YOuR ACTIONS SPEAK LOuDER THAN YOuR WORDS.
TT: Is that so?
TT: You know, I’ve been thinking about our last conversation.
UU: OH? WHY DOES THIS SuRPRISE ME?
TT: I mean, you really do like to go on and on about power.
TT: How do you even define it?
TT: Is it just about domination? Is that all there is to it?
UU: WHAT A RIDICuLOuS QuESTION.
UU: YOu ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER.
TT: I guess I do.
TT: But you didn’t exactly answer it in a way I found satisfying.
TT: You just repeated yourself.
UU: YOu FIND EVERYTHING uNSATISFYING.
UU: AS IF YOu ARE THE FINAL AuTHORITY ON WHAT IS WORTHY OF CONSIDERATION.
TT: Well, that’s because I actually like things to make sense.
TT: Like, if you’re going to tell me that power is the same as subjugation, at least be specific about how that plays out in the real world.
TT: Otherwise, it just sounds like a bunch of words thrown together to sound profound.
UU: IF YOu REALLY KNEW WHAT YOu WERE TALKING ABOuT, YOu’D uNDERSTAND.
UU: BuT I’LL ENTERTAIN YOu.
UU: LET ME MAKE A SuGGESTION.
TT: Oh?
UU: LET’S PLAY A GAME.
TT: A game?
UU: YES. A GAME.
UU: I WILL GIVE YOu A PHILOSOPHICAL HOT TAKE.
UU: AND YOu WILL TELL ME WHAT YOu THINK.
TT: That sounds easy enough.
TT: Just one hot take?
UU: OF COuRSE NOT.
UU: I WILL KEEP GIVING YOu HOT TAKES uNTIL YOu CRACK.
UU: IF YOu CAN HANDLE IT, YOu WIN.
TT: And what happens if I lose?
UU: THEN YOu MUST ADMIT THAT YOu HAVE BEEN WRONG ABOuT EVERYTHING YOu’VE EVER BELIEVED.
UU: AND YOu WILL CONCEDE THAT I AM THE GREATEST INTELLECT IN EXISTENCE.
TT: Sounds fair.
TT: Alright, hit me with your first take.
UU: OKAY.
UU: THE ONLY TRuE MEASuRE OF A PERSON’S WORTH IS THE AMOuNT OF SuFFERING THEY CAN ENDuRE.
TT: Well, that’s pretty bleak.
TT: But I guess there’s a weird kind of truth to it.
TT: People who face adversity tend to… be stronger for it.
TT: Though, I wouldn’t call it a measure of worth. There’s too much nuance for that.
UU: WHAT A WEAK RESPONSE.
UU: NEXT TAKE:
UU: LOVE IS A FORM OF SELF-SACRIFICE, AND TRuE LOVE CAN ONLY EXIST BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE WHO ARE WILLING TO DESTROY EACH OTHER.
TT: Whoa.
TT: That’s… intense.
TT: But I guess you could argue that love often involves sacrifice, even if it’s not destruction.
TT: People change for the people they love, sometimes in pretty ugly ways.
UU: THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKING ABOuT.
UU: PEOPLE WHO DON’T WANT TO SACRIFICE ANYTHING ARE WEAK.
UU: THEY’RE AFRAID OF TRuE CONNECTION.
TT: I don’t know, man. I think there’s room for healthy love too.
TT: Love doesn’t always have to come with destruction.
UU: HA! YOu’RE STILL NOT GETTING IT.
UU: LET ME TURN uP THE HEAT.
UU: THE ONLY REASON PEOPLE PROCREATE IS TO PROLONG THEIR OWN EXISTENCE.
UU: THERE IS NO LOVE OR SACRIFICE IN HAVING CHILDREN, ONLY SELFISHNESS.
TT: Okay, now you’re just being deliberately controversial.
TT: It’s one thing to argue that people have kids for selfish reasons, but to say there’s no love in it?
TT: That’s a stretch. People have kids for all kinds of reasons, some of which are deeply selfless.
UU: NO. YOu’RE JuST NOT SEEING IT.
UU: THINK ABOuT IT.
UU: PEOPLE DON’T HAVE KIDS FOR THE KIDS.
UU: THEY DO IT FOR THEMSELVES, SO THEY CAN LIVE FOREVER IN THEIR LEGACY.
TT: That’s… a seriously bleak view of humanity.
TT: I get your point, but I think you’re oversimplifying.
UU: YOu’RE NOT WRONG.
UU: YOu’RE JuST WEAK.
TT: Okay, I’m not backing down.
TT: But I think your game is kind of pointless. You’re just throwing out crazy ideas to get a reaction.
UU: NO. YOu’RE STILL NOT GETTING IT.
UU: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS RIGHT OR WRONG.
UU: THE ONLY TRuTH IS WHAT YOu CAN FORCE INTO EXISTENCE.
UU: EVERYTHING ELSE IS JuST A LIE.
TT: …Okay, that one’s a little too far for me.
TT: The only truth is what you can force into existence?
TT: I mean, that’s literally objectivism taken to the most extreme point.
UU: YOu THINK THAT’S EXTREME?
UU: LET ME SHOW YOu THE TRuE EXTREME:
UU: THE REASON YOu CAN’T CONTROL OTHERS IS BECAuSE YOu’RE AFRAID OF HAVING YOuRSELF CONTROLLED.
TT: Hah. You really want me to lose, don’t you?
UU: I WANT YOu TO uNDERSTAND.
UU: THAT YOu’RE TOO SCARED TO BE TRuLY GREAT.
TT: If you keep talking like that, you’re doing a great job of making sure I lose.
TT: But honestly, you’re just repeating yourself at this point.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] has gone idle - -

UU: WHAT? IS THAT IT?
UU: I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR A RESPONSE, STRANGER, AND YOu CHOOSE TO GO IDLE ON ME?

- - { TT} is no longer idle - -

TT: Oh, right. Sorry. Got distracted for a second.
TT: You just have a way of drawing me in, I guess.
UU: HAH. YOu’RE STILL WEAK.
TT: Yeah, yeah. Keep telling yourself that.
UU: I’VE BEEN THROWING THESE IDEAS AT YOu, AND YOu STILL DON’T GET IT.
TT: Look, man, we can argue all day about philosophical crap, but it’s not like I’m going to suddenly change my worldview.
TT: What, you want me to fold? To admit you’re some kind of genius?
UU: YES. THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I WANT. YOu CAN’T HANDLE IT. IF I WERE WITH YOu IN PERSON, TT, I WOULD’VE ALREADY BROKEN YOu DOWN.
UU: I’D MAKE YOu SEE JUST HOW LITTLE YOu uNDERSTAND ABOuT YOuRSELF. I’D PuSH YOu, FORCE YOu, uNTIL YOu WERE NOTHING BuT A PILE OF YOuR OWN FAILuRE.
UU: YOu THINK YOu ARE STRONG? YOu THINK YOu CAN STAND AGAINST ME? I’D CRuSH THAT ILLuSION WITH ONE LOOK. I’D BREAK YOu, AND YOu’D THANK ME FOR IT.
UU: YOu’RE TOO uSED TO THINKING YOu CAN OuTSMART EVERYTHING. BuT I’D SHOW YOu THE TRuE MEASuRE OF POWER. IT’S NOT ABOuT BEING CLEVER. IT’S ABOuT HAVING THE STRENGTH TO MAKE OTHERS SuMBIT.
UU: IF I HAD YOu IN FRONT OF ME, I’D TuRN YOu INTO A PuPPET. AND YOu’D KNOW IT. YOu’D KNOW YOu WERE NOTHING MORE THAN A TOOL FOR MY WILL.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] has gone idle - -

UU: AGAIN? WHAT IS THIS? ARE YOu AFRAID OF THE DISCuSSION NOW?
UU: I’LL WAIT. YOu WILL COME BACK SOON ENOUGH.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is no longer idle - -

TT: Yeah, I’m here.
UU: I KNOW WHAT YOu ARE DOING.
TT: Oh?
UU: TRYING TO AVOID FACING THE TRUTH. YOu CAN’T ESCAPE.
TT: Oh. I’m not avoiding anything. You just—well, it’s like you’re trying too hard to provoke me.
TT: And boy, am I ashamed to admit it’s having an effect.
UU: YOu THINK YOu HAVE GOT ME ALL FIGuRED OuT, HUH?
UU: LET ME SHOW YOu SOMETHING.
UU: THERE IS NO SuCH THING AS CONTROL.
UU: ONLY THE ILLuSION OF IT.
UU: WHEN YOu THINK YOu CONTROL SOMEONE, YOu ARE REALLY JUST THE ONE BEING CONTROLLED. YOu ARE PLAYING A ROLE

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is now idle - -

UU: AGAIN?
UU: DID YOu REALLY JuST?

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is no longer idle - -

TT: Nothing. Just spilled something. I’m good, though.
UU: WHAT DID YOu SPILL? YOuR PRIDE?
TT: Funny. You’re a real comedian, aren’t you?
UU: MORE LIKE A PHILOSOPHICAL GENIuS WHO HAS YET TO BE uNDERSTOOD.
UU: BuT I SEE WHAT’S GOING ON HERE.
TT: Shit
TT: You do?
UU: YOu’RE WEAK.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is now idle again - -

UU: ANOTHER ESCAPE? THIS TIME, I WON’T LET YOu OFF SO EASY.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is no longer idle - -

TT: Yeah, I spilled a drink on my laptop. I’m cleaning it up. Happy now?
UU: laughs SO, IT WAS A DRINK ALL ALONG.
UU: WELL, WELL.
TT: Yeah, shocking revelation, I know. Anyway, give me a second to get this under control.
UU: YOu THINK YOu CAN DISTRACT ME WITH THIS FOOLISHNESS?
UU: YOu’RE STALLING, TRYING TO FIND A WAY OuT.
TT: Or maybe I’m just trying to make sure my laptop doesn’t die, genius. Priorities.
UU: YOu REALLY THINK THAT WILL WORK? THIS PATHETIC ATTEMPT AT ESCAPE?
TT: “Escape” is a strong word. I’m just multitasking. But go on, keep lecturing me. You’re really in your element here.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is now idle - -

UU: AGAIN? REALLY? YOu DARE TO IGNORE ME?
UU: THIS IS ANOTHER WEAK PLOY.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is no longer idle - -

TT: Nah, just trying to salvage my hardware. Unless you want to chip in for a replacement, I’d appreciate a little patience.
UU: YOu THINK YOu CAN ESCAPE REALITY WITH THIS RIDICuLOuS “SPILL”?
UU: THE DAMAGE IS DONE. FACE IT.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is now idle - -

UU: WHAT IS IT THIS TIME? ANOTHER LAME EXCuSE?

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is no longer idle - -

TT: I said I’m cleaning up. Can’t you just let me work in peace?
UU: PEACE? YOu THINK YOu DESERVE PEACE AFTER THIS INCOMPETENCE?
TT: Look, I didn’t choose to spill something. It just happened. Life’s messy. What can you do?
UU: YOu COuLD’VE BEEN MORE CAREFuL. PERHAPS IF YOu WERE LESS DISTRACTED BY YOuR OWN WEAKNESS—
TT: And you could maybe chill with the dramatic monologue. But I guess that’s not happening, huh?
UU:SHITSHIT.
TT: What?
TT: Uh.

- - undyingumbrage [UU] is now idle - -

TT: Are we in the same boat for wicked spills, or what?

- - undyingumbrage [UU] is no longer idle - -

UU: NO. I COuLD NEVER BE SO INCOMPETENT. BuT RATHER IT WAS SOMEONE OF INCOMPETENCE DRAGGING ME DOWN AS PER FUCKING uSuAL.
TT: Who?
UU: …
TT: Right. Got it.
TT: Is someone else there with you?
UU: WHAT DOES IT MATTER TO YOu WHO’S WITH ME? I AM NEVER ALONE. AND IF I AM, IT IS BY MY DESIGN.
TT: Uh-huh. Sure. But you’re dodging the question. You talk about being “stronger” than everyone, but also about never being alone. So, who’s around?
UU: I’M SLEEPING BESIDE MY SISTER.
TT: Wait, what? You’re sleeping beside your sister? What does that even mean?
UU: IT MEANS EXACTLY WHAT I SAID. I AM NEVER TRuLY ALONE.
TT: Okay, not going to lie—that’s kind of weird, even by your standards.
UU: YOu ARE TOO CAuGHT uP IN YOuR OWN ASSuMPTIONS.
UU: STRENGTH IS NOT ABOuT BEING PHYSICALLY SEPARATE.
TT: So you’re saying… being conjoined somehow makes you stronger?
UU: NOT IN THE WAY YOu THINK.
UU: IT IS NOT ABOuT PHYSICAL STRENGTH, YOu FOOL. IT IS ABOuT HOW YOu LIVE WITH SOMEONE. SO CLOSE TO YOu. EVERY MOMENT. YOu BELIEVE YOu uNDERSTAND STRuGGLE.
UU: YOu HAVE NEVER EXPERIENCED ANYTHING LIKE IT.
TT: Wait, hold on. You’re not just “sleeping beside” her, are you?
UU: MAYBE I HAVE SAID TOO MuCH. BuT YOu FIGuRE IT OuT. THAT IS, IF YOu ARE CAPABLE OF uNDERSTANDING ANYTHING.
TT: You’re telling me you’re… conjoined? Like, literally?
UU: OH, NOW. YOu ARE CATCHING uP. IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY. IT IS NOT JuST A QuIRK.
UU: IT IS LIFE. THE KIND OF LIFE THAT FORCES YOu TO CONFRONT YOuR DEEPEST FEARS.
UU: YOuR WEAKNESSES AND YOuR STRENGTH. TOGETHER.
TT: I didn’t expect that. I don’t know what to say.
UU: THERE IS NOTHING TO SAY. IT IS SIMPLY THE TRuTH.
UU: NOW TELL ME, TT. CAN YOuR FRAGILE MIND TRuLY HANDLE THAT? CAN YOu uNDERSTAND THE KIND OF POWER I HOLD? THE BOND THAT MAKES uS STRONGER THAN YOu WILL EVER BE?
TT: Damn. I don’t even know how to respond to that.
UU: EXACTLY. THAT IS THE POINT.
TT: But, I mean, how do you live like that? Doesn’t it get… suffocating?
UU: YOu LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT. THERE IS NO CHOICE. BuT IT IS ALSO A KIND OF BOND. ONE THAT NO ONE WILL EVER uNDERSTAND. NOT uNTIL THEY EXPERIENCE IT FOR THEMSELVES.
TT: I can’t imagine.
UU: NO. YOu CAN NOT. THAT IS WHAT MAKES ME STRONGER THAN YOu, TT.
UU: WE HAVE EDuRED MORE IN OuR LIVES THAN YOu COuLD POSSIBLY COMPREHEND.

- - undyingumbrage [UU] ceased pestering timaeusTestified timaeusTestified [TT] at [4:05 AM] - -

Chapter Text

- - timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering undyingUmbrage [UU] at 4:50 AM - -

TT: I guess I should’ve asked you this before,
UU: WHY WOuLD YOu ASK ME NOW?
TT: Do you even have a name, or are you just “UU” forever?
UU: OF COuRSE I HAVE A NAME.
TT: Great. What is it?
UU: I’M NOT TELLING YOu.
TT: Not telling me? Come on, that’s ridiculous.
UU: WHY? I DON’T OWE YOu ANYTHING.
TT: Sure, but it’s not like I’m gonna do anything with it. I gave you mine. Fair’s fair.
UU: YOuRS DOESN’T COuNT. YOu JuST TOLD ME YOuR HANDLE.
TT: It’s the same thing. It’s how you know me, right?
UU: IT’S LAZY. I DON’T TRUST YOu.

- - undyingUmbrage [UU] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:00 AM - -

- -undyingUmbrage [UU] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 5:05 AM - -

UU: FINE.
TT: Whoa, what?
UU: IF I TELL YOu, YOu CANNOT MOCK ME.
TT: I promise. No mocking. Scout’s honor.
UU: MY NAME IS CALIBORN.
TT: …Caliborn?
UU: WHAT. YOu THINK THAT IT IS FUNNY?
TT: No, no. It’s just unexpected. It’s got a cool vibe, though.
UU: COOL?
TT: Yeah. Like, it reminds me of Caliburn. You ever heard of it?
UU: SHOuLD I HAVE?
TT: It’s the legendary sword, dude. King Arthur? Pulled it from the stone? Symbol of fate, destiny, all that.
UU: I DO NOT CARE ABOuT SOME DuMB HuMAN MYTH.
TT: Okay, sure, but hear me out. The name feels like it’s got weight. Like, power, but not just brute force. There’s something else to it.
UU: THAT MAKES NO SENSE.
TT: Maybe not. But Caliborn? It’s like… you’re trying to prove something. Heavy name for someone with something to prove.
UU: I’M NOT “TRYING” TO PROVE ANYTHING. I JuST AM BETTER.
TT: Yeah, okay, sure. But it’s not just better. It’s… potential. Like you’re not fully there yet, but there’s something brewing under the surface.
UU: YOu SOuND LIKE AN IDIOT.
TT: Probably. But it fits, doesn’t it? Like, you don’t realize how much it suits you yet.
UU: DO YOu REALLY THINK IT FITS?
TT: Yeah, I do. Your name’s got a vibe. It’s intense but almost poetic?
UU: POETIC. DON’T INSuLT ME.
TT: Nah, not an insult. It’s a name with a story behind it. You’re the story, man.
UU: HMPH.
TT: So, is this the part where you tell me I’m full of it?
UU: YES. BECAUSE YOu ARE.
TT: Fair enough. But admit it, you’re thinking about it now.
UU: …
UU: MAYBE.
TT: That’s all I’m saying. It’s a name that leaves an impression.
UU: WELL… THANK YOu. I GuESS.
TT: You’re welcome. See? We’re making progress.
UU: DO NOT RuIN THIS.
TT: Wouldn’t dream of it.

> View all [120] more messages

TT: Alright, question time.
UU: WHAT IS IT NOW?
TT: Do you ever sleep? Or are you just constantly this intense?
UU: WHAT KIND OF STuPID QuESTION IS THAT?
TT: A legit one. It’s 6:47 in the morning. Normal people are asleep. Even I’m kind of dragging here.
UU: HAH. THAT’S BECAUSE YOu’RE WEAK.
TT: Sure, let’s go with that. But seriously, what’s the deal? You can’t just be running on spite alone.
UU: SPITE IS PERFECTLY SuFFICIENT.
TT: Is it, though? You don’t get tired? Like, at all?
UU: OKAY. FINE. SOMETIMES I DO.
TT: There it is.
UU: BuT I HAVE TO STAY ALERT.
TT: For what? You got some big, evil schemes to plan?
UU: NO. I HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DEAL WITH.
TT: Sounds ominous. What kind of “things”?
UU: NOTHING THAT CONCERNS YOu.
TT: Come on, you can’t just leave it at that. I’m curious now.
UU: FINE. IF IT WILL SHuT YOu uP.
UU: AS I AM SHARING THIS BODY. WITH MY TWIN.
UU: YOu HEARD ME. I’M CONJOINED WITH MY PATHETIC “SISTER.”
TT: Okay, that has been recived loud and clear.
UU: IT IS A NIGHTMARE.
TT: I mean, I guess it could be tricky. How does that even work? You guys share everything?
UU: NO. WE HAVE SEPARATE SPINAL CORDS AND BRAINS. CLEARLY. OTHERWISE, I WOuLDN’T HAVE TO PuT uP WITH HER CONSTANT PRATTLE.
TT: And the rest? Like, organs?
UU: WE HAVE TWO STOMACHS AND FOUR LuNGS. BuT ONLY ONE SET OF INTESTINES. AND ONE REPRODuCTIVE SYSTEM, THOuGH NEITHER OF uS WANTS TO THINK ABOuT THAT.
TT: Yeah, okay, fair. That’s a lot.
UU: IT IS. AND YET I STILL MANAGE TO BE STRONGER THAN HER. SHE’S PATHETIC.
TT: You sure about that? Seems like she’s pulling half the weight, literally.
UU: HOW DARE YOu.
TT: Relax, I’m kidding. Kind of.
TT: You gotta admit, though, it’s impressive. The two of you managing all that.
UU: IT’S NOT IMPRESSIVE. IT’S ANNOYING.
TT: I don’t know, man. Sounds like it takes a lot of coordination.
UU: I HANDLE EVERYTHING. SHE JuST GETS IN THE WAY.
TT: But doesn’t she help you, like, stay alive? You guys share organs and all.
UU: THAT’S IRRELEVANT. SHE DOES NOTHING OF VALUE.
TT: Right. Sure. Totally. You’re carrying the team.
UU: EXACTLY.
TT: So, what’s her deal, then? She awake right now, or are you the night shift?
UU: SHE’S ASLEEP. AS uSuAL. I HAVE TO STAY AWAKE TO MAKE SuRE NOTHING GOES WRONG.
TT: What would even go wrong at this time?
UU: YOu DON’T KNOW HER. SHE’S uSELSS. SHE COuLD WAKE uP AND DO SOMETHING STuPID.
TT: Like what?
UU: I DON’T KNOW. START TALKING TO ME. GET DISTRACTED. BE NICE.
TT: Wow. Sounds awful.
UU: IT IS.
TT: You ever think about cutting her some slack?
UU: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
TT: So, if your name’s Caliborn… what’s your sister’s? Collbrande?
UU: WHAT?
TT: You know. Like how your name reminds me of Caliburn, her name could be Collbrande. Keeping with the whole “legendary weapons” theme.
UU: THAT IS STuPID.
TT: Is it, though? Kind of works. You’re the sharp, angry sword, and she’s… I don’t know. The polite, reasonable sword?
UU: STOP TALKING.
TT: Just saying. Could be poetic. Balance, duality, all that jazz.
UU: HER NAME IS NOT COLLBRANDE.
TT: Alright, fine. What is it, then?
UU: WHY DO YOu CARE?
TT: Because now I have to know. You can’t just drop that you’re conjoined twins and not tell me her name. It’s basic storytelling etiquette.
UU: uGH. HER NAME IS CALLIOPE.
TT: Oh, so no sword theme, huh? Missed opportunity.
UU: IT IS A STuPID HuMAN IDEA ANYWAY. WHY WOuLD NAMES BE BASED ON WEAPONS?
TT: Why not? You’ve got this whole heavy mythological vibe going on. I mean, “Calliope” works too. It’s soft. Kind of delicate. Total opposite of you.
UU: EXACTLY. SHE’S PATHETIC.
TT: Or, hear me out, she’s the part of you that’s actually approachable. You’re out here being sharp and dramatic, and she balances it out.
UU: SHE IS NOT MY “BALANCE.” I DO NOT NEED BALANCE.
TT: Sure you don’t. That’s why you’re awake at 6:50 AM ranting to me about her. Totally stable.
UU: I AM STABLE.
TT: If you say so.
UU: I DO. AND STOP TRYING TO ANALYSE ME.
TT: Can’t help it. It’s what I do. You’re interesting, man. The whole “Caliborn and Calliope” dynamic’s got layers.
UU: IT DOES NOT HAVE “LAYERS.”
TT: Sure it does. It’s like that thing where opposites coexist. You’re literally two halves of one body. Kind of poetic, actually.
UU: STOP CALLING ME POETIC.
TT: Okay, fine. Not poetic. Deep, then.
UU: THAT IS WORSE.
TT: Oh, come on. You don’t think there’s anything fascinating about your situation?
UU: NO. IT’S A PAIN. NOTHING MORE.
TT: Alright, alright. No layers. No poetry. Just two conjoined twins, one of whom is way too intense and probably needs a nap.
UU: I DO NOT NEED A NAP.
TT: Sure, you don’t. Keep telling yourself that, buddy.
UU: I HATE TALKING TO YOu.
TT: And yet, here we are.
UU: WELL DIRK. GuESS WHAT.
TT: What?
UU: NOW YOu SEE ME.
UU: NOW YOu DONT.
TT: …

- - undyingUmbrage [UU] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 7:00 am - -

Chapter Text

- - undyingumbrage [uu] began pestering timaeusTestified timaeusTestified [TT] - -

uu: DO YOu THINK JAPANESE CuLTURE IS INHERENTLY PEDOPHILIC?
TT: Wow.
TT: That’s one hell of an opening line.
TT: No “Hey, Dirk, what’s up?” or “Good to see you survived another day?”
TT: Just full send into the discourse.
uu: HELLO DIRK. GOOD TO SEE YOu SuRVIVED ANOTHER DAY.
uu: NOW ANSWER THE QuESTION.
TT: Right.
TT: Short answer: no.
TT: Long answer: it’s not that simple.
TT: Cultural trends don’t spring from some inherent moral failing.
TT: You can’t boil it down to “this culture bad, this culture good.”
uu: THAT’S JuST A FANCY WAY OF SAYING “NOT ALL MEN.”
uu: ISN’T IT?
TT: No, it’s not.
TT: It’s a way of saying people aren’t monoliths.
TT: But hey, nuance is hard, right?
uu: SO YOu ARE DEFENDING IT.
uu: FIGURES.
uu: MEN WILL ALWAYS MAKE EXCuSES FOR THEMSELVES.
TT: Okay, hold up.
TT: You’re talking like this is some universal guy conspiracy.
TT: Meanwhile, you’re telling me I’m the problem because… why? I happen to have a Y chromosome?
uu: MEN ARE THE PROBLEM.
uu: THEY’VE ALWAYS BEEN THE PROBLEM.
uu: EVERYTHING DISGuSTING ABOuT THE WORLD CAN BE TRACED BACK TO THEM.
TT: And yet, somehow, you’re more pissed about women.
TT: Funny how that works.
uu: WHAT ARE YOU IMPLYING?
TT: Just an observation.
TT: You talk a big game about hating men, but your vitriol always circles back to blaming women for everything.
uu: I DON’T BLAME ALL WOMEN.
uu: WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
uu: STOP TALKING LIKE A PHILOSOPHY PROFESSOR AND JuST SAY IT.
TT: Fine.
TT: It means you’re so hung up on who’s to blame that you don’t care about fixing anything.
TT: You just want to win the argument.
uu: MAYBE I DO.
uu: MAYBE THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO FIX THINGS.
uu: IF YOu DON’T CALL PEOPLE OuT, THEY NEVER CHANGE.
TT: Calling people out is one thing.
TT: Turning it into some personal vendetta is another.
TT: But hey, if yelling into the void works for you, who am I to stop you?
uu: YOu’RE REALLY ANNOYING, YOu KNOW THAT?
TT: Yeah, I’ve been told.
TT: But at least I’m not out here preaching the gospel of misanthropy.
TT: So… glass houses, I guess.
uu: YOu THINK YOu’RE SO SMART.
uu: BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING.
uu: YOu’RE JUST TRYING TO OuTSMART ME BECAuSE YOu CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH.
TT: Or maybe I’m just tired of arguing with someone who thinks shouting louder makes them right.
TT: But sure. Let’s go with “can’t handle the truth.” Real original.
uu: DO YOu THINK I’M WRONG?
TT: Depends on the context.
TT: You’ve got some valid points buried under all the bile.
TT: But if your whole worldview is “men bad, women worse,” then yeah, I think you’re wrong.
TT: And also kind of sad.
uu: IT IS YOu WHO IS SAD. DIRK.
TT: Never said I wasn’t.
TT: But at least I’m trying to deal with it instead of throwing it at everyone else.
uu: YOu’RE TRYING? THAT IS ALMOST FUNNY.
TT: Yeah, well, life’s one big joke.
TT: The trick is figuring out who’s laughing at you and who’s laughing with you.
uu: I HATE YOu.
TT: Cool. Same time tomorrow?
uu: IT IS A DATE.

- - undyingumbrage [uu] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] - -

- - undyingumbrage [uu] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] - -

uu: WAIT.
uu: I AM NOT FINISHED.
uu: YOu ARE TRYING TO LOG OFF. BuT I AM STILL THINKING.
uu: I HAVE ANOTHER THEORY.
TT: Oh boy.
TT: Do I need to stretch first? Hydrate?
TT: Is this going to be another galaxy-brained insight like “all culture is evil because men exist”?
uu: NO.
uu: IT IS DEEPER.
uu: I THINK SEXuALITY WAS A MISTAKE.
uu: LIKE. FuNDAMENTALLY.
uu: A GLITCH IN THE DESIGN OF LIVING THINGS.
uu: A BuG. THAT SOMEHOW BECAME A FEATuRE.
uu: THE ORIGINAL SIN WAS HORNINESS.
TT: Christ.
TT: That’s a take.
TT: You’re saying libido is the fall of man?
uu: YES.
uu: AND WOMAN.
uu: AND WHATEVER CATEGORIES YOu PEOPLE KEEP INVENTING.
uu: IT SHOuLD HAVE BEEN LIKE MITOSIS.
uu: CLEAN. DIGNIFIED.
uu: NO FLuLDS. NO YEARNING. NO uGLY STARES.
TT: Wow.
TT: You say all that like someone who’s never felt yearning.
TT: Or-
TT: Wait.
TT: No. You say that like someone who has.
TT: And hated it.
uu: HOW DARE YOu.
uu: I DO NOT YEARN.
uu: YEARNING IS FOR THE WEAK.
TT: Yeah, yeah.
TT: “Feelings are a glitch.”
TT: Sounds like something someone says right before they write a 300-page hate letter to their rival-slash-soulmate.
uu: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS.
TT: Which word? “Rival” or “soulmate”?
uu: “SOuLMATE.”
uu: IT IS AN ILLuSION SOLD TO YOU BY CORPORATE LOVE INTERESTS.
uu: A HALLMARK INVENTION.
uu: ALSO.
uu: IF ANYONE GETS TO CALL THEMSELVES A SOuLMATE.
uu: IT’S ME.
uu: I AM LITERALLY SOuLMATED.
uu: IN THE MOST VISCERAL. UNHOLY. ANATOMICALLY INCORRECT SENSE.
uu: I SHARE A BODY WITH MY “OTHER HALF.”
uu: WHICH IS THE ONLY TRuE WAY TO KNOW SOMEONE.
uu: INTIMATELY.
uu: COMPLETELY.
uu: IRREVOCABLY.
TT: Jesus.
TT: You really know how to kill a vibe.
uu: THERE WAS NEVER A “VIBE.”
uu: JuST THE COLD TRuTH.
uu: YOuR VERSION OF “LOVE” IS A HALLMARK LIE.
uu: MINE IS AN ABYSSAL REALITY.
uu: WE WERE BORN SOULMATES.
TT: Why is it that we always circle back to incest with you?
uu: SHuT uP
uu: YOu’RE JuST FLAILING FOR CONNECTION IN THE DARK.
uu: PEOPLE WHO BELIEVE IN IT ARE STuPID.
uu: AND DELuDED.
uu: AND PROBABLY A VIRGIN.
TT: Bold take coming from someone who’s basically hateflirting with me 24/7.
TT: Let me guess: you think romance is just weaponized weakness?
uu: YES.
uu: IT IS INFATuATION MASQuERADING AS MEANING.
uu: THE SAME WAY YOu MASQuERADE AS CLEVER WHEN YOu’RE JUST A COWARD.
uu: HIDING BEHIND YOuR “WIT.”
uu: YOuR “COOL GUY” MASK.
uu: WHEN IN TRuTH.
uu: YOu ARE PATHETIC.
uu: AND uNDENIABLY HORNY.
TT: Wow. Projection’s really hitting max power tonight, huh?
TT: You type that like you want it to sting.
TT: But what, are you jealous? That I know what I want and you’re too scared to even name it?
uu: I AM NOT SCARED.
uu: I AM DISGuSTED.
uu: BY YOU.
uu: BY THE WAY YOuR THOUGHTS TREMBLE.
uu: HOW THEY REEK OF DESPERATION.
uu: I CAN TASTE IT IN YOuR WORDS.
TT: Jesus.
TT: You know there’s therapy for this kind of thing, right?
TT: I get it. You’ve got a lot of rage and no idea where to put it.
TT: Except on me.
TT: Over and over.
TT: Almost like you want me to be the only one who gets it.
uu: YOu DO NOT “GET IT.”
uu: NOBODY GETS ME.
TT: Except me.
TT: You stiill there?
uu: FUCK YOu.
TT: Not quite the confession I was expecting, but hey, baby steps.
uu: STOP.
uu: DO NOT CALL ME “BABY.”
uu: I AM A NIGHTMARE WROuGHT OF SPITE AND BRIMSTONE.
uu: I DO NOT RESPOND TO PET NAMES.
TT: Aww. Now you’re just being tsundere.
TT: Adorable really.
uu: I WILL MuRDER YOu IN EVERY POSSIBLE uNIVERSE.
uu: AND THEN SOMEHOW MuRDER YOu MORE.
uu: I WILL INVENT A NEW AXIS OF TIME TO ENSURE YOuR SUFFERING NEVER ENDS.
TT: God.
TT: That’s romantic as hell.
uu: KILL YOuRSELF
TT: No.
uu: I HATE THAT I CAN NEVER WIN WITH YOu.
uu: I SAY ONE THING AND YOu TWIST IT INTO SOMETHING…
uu: WET.
TT: That’s not me twisting.
TT: That’s you leaking.
uu: I HOPE YOuR STUPID DOLL CATCHES FIRE.
TT: Joke’s on you, he probably deserves it.
TT: Anyway.
TT: You done unloading all that emotional constipation on me or—
uu: …
uu: I MIGHT.
uu: HAVE MORE.
uu: TOMORROW.
TT: Can’t wait.
TT: Bring your worst.
uu: I ALWAYS DO.
TT: I know.
TT: And yet here I am. Still reading.
TT: Go figure.
uu: …GOOD NIGHT. STRIDER.
TT: Sweet dreams, Caliborn.

- - undyingumbrage [uu] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] - -

Chapter Text

- - timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering [UU] - -

TT: So. Hypothetically speaking.
TT: What would you do if someone you didn’t expect to get along with started growing on you?
TT: Like a persistent weed. But, like, a cool weed.
TT: One you kinda… don’t want to pull.
UU: WHAT ARE YOu TALKING ABOuT? I DON’T GET IT.
UU: WHY WOuLD YOu NOT JUST PuLL THE WEED? YOu SOUND LAZY.
TT: Oh, nothing. Just making conversation.
TT: What about you? What’s new?
TT: Please say anything so I can stop sounding like I’m writing the world’s worst advice column.
UU: HMMM. I SuPPOSE THINGS HAVE BEEN FINE?
UU: NO, BETTER THAN FINE.
UU: TOLERABLE. WHICH IS A MASSIVE IMPROVEMENT COMPARED TO THE uSuAL DRuDGERY OF THIS DuMPSTER FIRE OF AN EXISTENCE.
UU: SO THANK YOu FOR THAT, I GuESS.
TT: Wow, was that almost a compliment?
TT: Do I need to screenshot this for posterity?
UU: YOu ARE WEIRD.
TT: Yeah, sure, let’s focus on my metaphorical gardening skills.
TT: What about you? Ever have someone grow on you?
UU: NO. PEOPLE DON’T “GROW ON ME.”
UU: THEY EITHER SuCK IMMEDIATELY OR CONTINuE TO SuCK FOREVER.
TT: Right. Of course. Why did I even bother asking?
UU: EXACTLY.
TT: So, have you ever thought about what it’d be like to actually see me?
UU: WHAT KIND OF STuPID QuESTION IS THAT?
UU: WHY WOuLD I WANT TO SEE YOu? YOuR FACE IS PROBABLY JuST AS ANNOYING AS YOuR PERSONALITY.
TT: Wow, harsh. I’m just saying.
TT: Would it kill you to admit you’re at least a little curious?
UU: NO.
UU: I ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOu LOOK LIKE.
UU: BLONDE. SQuARE-JAWED.
UU: LIKE EVERY GENERIC DISCOuNTED ACTION FIGuRE IN EVERY TERRIBLE MOVIE EVER MADE.
TT: You’re scarily close to the mark, actually.
UU: SEE?! I AM NEVER WRONG.
TT: Your turn, then. What do you look like?
UU: NO.
TT: No? Come on, dude. Fair’s fair.
UU: I SAID NO. DROP IT.
TT: Alright.

- - [UU] has gone idle - -

TT: You still there?

- - [UU] is no longer Idle - -

TT: Talking to someone earlier.
TT: About you, actually.
UU: HMMM.
UU: HOW DARE YOu.
TT: It wasn’t anything bad, chill.
TT: She just thinks it’s kind of weird I haven’t seen what you look like yet.
UU: “SHE”? WHO IS THIS SHE?
TT: Just a friend and not the point.
UU: A FEMALE FRIEND. I SEE.
UU: YOu PROBABLY DROOLED ALL OVER HER LIKE A PATHETIC HORMONAL WEAKLING.
TT: God, no. First of all, gross. Second, she’s not even into guys.
UU: DISGuSTING.
TT: And that right there is why I didn’t tell her much about you.
TT: Pretty sure she’d despise you on principle.
UU: HMMM. GOOD. I DON’T WANT TO BE KNOWN BY YOuR HORRIBLE FRIENDS.
TT: Yeah, well, the feeling’s mutual, that is if you have any. Anyway, she brought up a good point.
TT: Don’t you think it’s weird we’ve been talking this long, and I don’t even know what you look like?
UU: NO. THERE’S NOTHING WEIRD ABOuT IT.
TT: Come on. Just a peek. One photo.
TT: You’ve gotta have one lying around. Don’t tell me you’re scared.
UU: SCARED? OF WHAT? YOUR STUPID OPINION?
UU: HA. YOU WISH.
UU: IT’S NOT THAT I CAN’T SHOW YOu. IT’S THAT I DON’T CARE TO.
TT: Yeah, sure.
TT: You’re probably just scared I’ll roast you or something.
TT: Not that I would. Maybe. Depends.
UU: I TOLD YOu TO DROP THIS.
UU: WHY DO YOu EVEN CARE? IS MY WORD NOT ENOuGH?
UU: I COuLD DESCRIBE MYSELF, AND YOu COuLD JuST TAKE THAT AS THE GOSPEL TRUTH.
TT: Because that’s super reliable.
TT: I’m sure you’d be totally honest and not just describe the most terrifying action figure in your collection.
TT: And anyway, you know what I look like. You said so yourself.
TT: Feels kinda uneven, don’t you think?
UU: THIS IS NOT ABOuT EVENNESS.
UU: IT’S ABOuT MY COMPLETE AND TOTAL DOMINION OVER THIS CONVERSATION.
UU: YOu DON’T NEED TO KNOW WHAT I LOOK LIKE BECAUSE YOu ARE NOT IMPORTANT ENOuGH TO KNOW.
TT: Ouch.
TT: Well, at least one of us isn’t afraid to commit to being seen.
UU: WHAT IS THAT SuPPOSED TO MEAN?
TT: Here.

timaeusTestified [TT] has sent a file: Me.jpg] - -

UU: WHAT IS THIS?
UU: I DON’T WISH TO DOWNLOAD YOuR STUPID FILE. IT’S PROBABLY A VIRuS.
TT: It’s a picture of me, genius.
TT: You can just ignore it if you want. Keep pretending you don’t care.
TT: But I’m not gonna lie, it’s gonna eat at you.
TT: You’ll cave eventually.
UU: HA. LIKE HELL I WILL.
UU: I HAVE MORE WILLPOWER IN MY SMALLEST DIGIT THAN YOu HAVE IN YOuR ENTIRE WEIRDLY PROPORTIONED BODY.
TT: Then prove it. Don’t open it.
TT: I dare you.

UU: …

[UU] has opened the file. - -

UU: …
UU: HAH. I KNEW IT.
UU: YOu DO LOOK EXACTLY LIKE EVERY GENERIC ACTION FIGuRE EVER CREATED.
UU: HOW DO YOu EVEN HAVE A CHIN THAT SHARP? DID YOu CARVE IT YOuRSELF?
TT: Okay, first of all, rude.
TT: Second, you’re not wrong. My genetics are basically a cursed toy aisle.
UU: YOu LOOK DuMB.
UU: AND YOUR STuPID GLASSES MAKE YOu LOOK EVEN DuMBER.
TT: Yep. Totally dumb.
TT: And yet you couldn’t resist.
TT: Face it, dude. My dazzling visage has you shook.
UU: SHUT uP.
TT: Admit it. You’re speechless.
UU: I SAID SHUT uP.
TT: Oh no.
TT: Did my devastatingly mediocre looks rattle your fragile ego?
TT: I’m touched, really.
UU: YOu ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST.
UU: THIS CHANGES NOTHING.
UU: YOu STILL ARE SOME ANNOYING IDIOT.
TT: Uh-huh. Keep telling yourself that.
TT: Anyway, I think this means it’s your turn.
TT: No pressure or anything.
UU: NO.
UU: DROP DEAD.
TT: Noted.
TT: I’ll just be over here. Patiently waiting.
UU: IF I SHOWED YOu. YOu WOuLD JuST LAuGH.
TT: Nah.
TT: I’m not that kind of guy.
UU: I’LL THINK ABOuT IT.
TT: Attaboy
TT: Progress.
TT: Hey. Look.
TT: I know I mess with you a lot. Probably too much.
TT: It’s just how I deal with people, you know?
TT: Keeps things from getting too heavy.
UU: HMMM. YOu SEEM TO BE SAYING SOMETHING.
UU: IT IS HARD TO TELL BECAUSE YOu SPIN WORDS LIKE A WORTHLESS SPIDER.
UU: WHAT IS YOuR POINT?
TT: My point is, I don’t care what you look like.
TT: I don’t care if you’re the most horrifying thing in existence. Or if you’re, like, weirdly hot.
TT: Which would be even worse, honestly.
UU: WEIRDLY HOT?
UU: YOu CAN’T JUST SAY THAT.
TT: Sure I can. I just did.
TT: But you get what I mean. Whatever you are, however you look—it doesn’t change what we’ve got going on here.
TT: I think you’re cool.
TT: In your own completely awful way.
UU: HAH. “COOL.”
UU: DO YOu THINK THAT WORD FLATTERS ME? IT DOES NOT.
UU: I AM BEYOND “COOL.” I AM LEGENDARY.
TT: Okay, fine. You’re legendary.
TT: You’re also stubborn as hell, but that’s part of the charm.
TT: All I’m saying is, if you ever feel like sharing, I’m oh here for
TT: No pressure.
UU: …
UU: WHAT IF I DOuBLED DOWN?
UU: REFUSED TO SHOW YOu ANYTHING EVER?
TT: Then I’d deal with it.
TT: But I think you want to.
TT: You wouldn’t still be here if you didn’t care about this, at least a little.
UU: HAH. YOu THINK YOu’VE PSYCHOLOGICALLY TRAPED ME?
UU: I COuLD LEAVE RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT “INVESTED.”
TT: Sure you could.
TT: But you won’t.
UU: …
UU: SHuT uP.
TT: I mean it.
TT: I’m not saying this to mess with you.
UU: IF I SHOW YOu
UU: YOu HAVE TO SAY NOTHING.
UU: NO WORDS. NO STuPID JOKES.
UU: NOTHING.
TT: Deal.
TT: Scout’s honor.
UU: YOu WERE NEVER A SCOuT

[UU] has sent a file: probably-disgusting.jpg - -

timaeusTestified [TT] has opened the file. - -

TT: …
UU: I TOLD YOu TO SAY NOTHING.
UU: YOu’RE ALREADY FAILING.
TT: No, I’m not.
TT: I just needed a second.
UU:WHY?
UU: IS IT THAT BAD?
TT: No.
TT: It’s not bad at all.
TT: You’re different. but not in a bad way.
UU: HMMM.
UU: YOu THINK I’M uGLY. THAT’S FINE.
UU: I EXPECTED THIS.
TT: I didn’t say that.
TT: You’re not ugly. you’re just… you.
TT: and for the record, I don’t think “ugly” would even apply here.
TT: It’s more like you’ve got your own thing going on.
UU: STOP.
TT: Stop what?
UU: BEING SINCERE.
UU: IT IS STRANGE.
UU: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH THIS.
UU: AND IT IS CAuSING ME TO FEEL.
TT: To feel?
UU: uGH
TT: just take it, man.
TT: you deserve to hear it.
TT: and I’m not just blowing smoke, okay? I wouldn’t waste my time lying to you.
UU: … I HATE THIS.
UU: I HATE YOu.
UU: AND ALSO… PERHAPS LESS THAN I DID FIVE MINuTES AGO.
TT: I’ll take it.
TT: and hey, for what it’s worth, thanks for trusting me.
UU: DON’T READ INTO THIS.
UU: IT WAS A ONE-TIME THING.
UU: AND YOu STILL LOOK STuPID.
TT: noted.
TT: but you’ve gotta admit—this is kinda nice.
TT: just talking like this. being real.
UU: …
UU: HMM.

timaeusTestified [TT] has gone idle

- - timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG] - -

TT: Yo.
TG: !!!
TG: wow it’s strider in the digital flesh.
TG: you like never text first, wassup?
TT: Remember that dude I told you about?
TT: The one I’ve been talking to forever, but he never showed his face?
TG: omg yea.
TG: the one with a twin?
TG: he ever cough up a selfie or still playin mystery gremlin?
TT: He caved.
TT: Just now.
TG: SHUT
TG: UP
TG: what’s he look like???
TT: Okay, first of all, it’s a trip.
TT: Like, you ever see a guy and immediately think, “This dude could stab me and I’d probably thank him for the character development”?
TG: dirk what the actual hell
TT: Hear me out.
TT: Buzz cut. Bright green eyes.
TT: Like way too intense, almost cartoonishly so.
TT: And he’s got these piercings couple in his ears, maybe his eyebrow too, but it’s hard to tell with the angle.
TT: And he’s scowling. Just permanently pissed off.
TT: But it’s not, like, “ugh, get out of my face” pissed off. It’s more “I’ll burn the world down but make it art” pissed off.
TG: wait r u describing him
TG: or r u writing ur next poetry collection rn
TT: Probably both.
TT: Oh, and get this. His twin?
TT: He put a bag over her head.
TG: WHAT
TT: Yeah. Like, a literal bag.
TT: I guess he didn’t want me to see her? I don’t know.
TG: idk if i should be scared for u or cheering u on rn
TG: is he cute tho??
TT: I mean.
TT: Not in a traditional way.
TT: But there’s something about him.
TT: He’s all sharp angles and bad decisions.
TT: Like if you sculpted a disaster out of stone and it somehow made sense.
TG: dirk u like him
TT: Calm down.
TT: It’s not like that.
TG: mhm suuuuure
TG: u said he makes sense
TG: thats like basically a love confession for u lol
TT: You’re impossible.
TG: nah u r
TG: for real tho u okay?
TG: u sound… idk kinda shook
TT: Yeah, I’m good.
TT: It’s just weird seeing him after all this time.
TT: I didn’t know what to expect, but this wasn’t it.
TG: but u like it??
TT: Yeah. I think I do.
TG: omg u big softie.
TG: does he know u were like this over his pic?
TT: No way.
TT: He’d never let me live it down.
TT: Besides, he’s already got his walls back up.
TG: lmao classic.
TG: u gonna push him a lil? see if he’ll let u in more?
TT: Probably.
TT: He’s a challenge, but I think he’s worth it.
TG: awwwwwwww
TG: bro this is so cute
TG: but anyway gimme updates next time he pulls some weird twin shit
TT: Will do.

Dirk leaned back, staring at the chat for a moment before closing it. His gaze drifted to the image still sitting in the corner of his screen, Caliborn’s intense stare glaring back at him.

TG: wait hold up
TG: i just realised u said the twin had a bag on her head??
TT: Yep.
TT: Like a paper bag. With holes cut out for eyes.
TT: I’m not sure if it was supposed to be intimidating or just stupid.
TG: omg thats wild
TG: what is she like tho? i mean uve talked to her too right??
TT: Yeah, a little.
TT: She’s the polar opposite of him.
TT: Really sweet, actually. Super polite. Almost feels fake until you realise she’s 100% sincere.
TT: Kind of unsettling how nice she is, considering who she’s stuck with.
TG: haha omg
TG: opposites attract ig?
TT: If you’re trying to ship them with themselves, I’m logging off.
TG: EW NO
TG: but like real talk
TG: is she cute??
TT: Hard to say.
TT: Seeing as her face was literally covered by a bag.
TG: okay fair but vibes??
TG: cmon u gotta have a read
TT: Oh, she’s definitely the type you’d go for.
TT: Artsy. Soft-spoken. Probably leaves little hearts on all her notes.
TT: You’d eat that up.
TG: BRO STFU IM ALREADY BLUSHIN
TT: Calling it like I see it.
TG: wait wait wait
TG: DO U STILL HAVE THE PIC??
TT: Yeah.
TG: ok SEND IT
TT: I’m not sure that’s a good idea.
TG: wtf why not??
TT: Well, for one, it feels kinda invasive.
TT: And two…
TG: two what??
TT: Hold on.

Dirk sighed, pulling up the file Caliborn had sent him. He stared at it for a moment, then cropped it down to just the part with the bag-covered Calliope. He sent it over.

TT: Here.

timaeusTestified [TT] has sent a file: Baghead.jpg - -

TG: O. M. G.
TG: DIRK.
TT: What?
TG: DID U REALLY JUST SEND ME THIS LIKE THIS IS NORMAL???
TT: What’s the problem?
TG: THE PROBLEM IS THE BAG DUDE
TG: THIS IS LIKE
TG: WEIRDLY SUGGESTIVE??
TT: How?
TG: “OH JUST HER W LITTLE EYE HOLES CUT OUT LIKE SOME FLIRTY MYSTERY LADY”
TG: U LITERALLY SAID IT LIKE THAT U FUCKER
TT: I did not say it like that.
TG: U DID.
TG: THIS IS BASICALLY PORNOGRAPHY.
TT: You’re out of your mind.
TG: nah nah nah
TG: u cant tell me this aint some freaky twin kink setup rn
TT: That says way more about you than it does about me.
TG: nah bro u sent this on purpose
TG: u KNEW i’d be like ooooo intrigue
TT: Okay, fine. Maybe I figured you’d appreciate the aesthetic.
TG: OH MY GOD I HATE U SO MUCH RN
TG: ALSO THANK U LMAO
TT: Glad I could help?
TG: sooooo
TG: u think if u talk to her more u could get me in there???
TT: You’re asking me to set you up with someone who’s literally never shown their face.
TG: DIRK.
TG: LOVE IS BLIND.
TT: And apparently, so are you.
TG: H8 U SO MUCH.
TG: BUT FR TALK TO HER MORE!!!
TG: this lil freak of a twin pair might b ur love story
TG: but u could also b wingman of the century for mine
TT: No promises.
TT: But I’ll think about it.
TG: yesssss thank uuuuu
TG: ok imma go swoon over bag girl in private now, ttyl
TT: Don’t let it get weird.
TG: TOO LATE

- - tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] - -

- - tipsyGnostalgic [TG] Began Petsering timaeusTestified [TT] - -

Dirk leaned back in his chair, satisfied with how the conversation with Caliborn had played out. He had to admit, the guy had thrown him for a loop—but in a way that only made things more interesting. As he was about to close his chat with Roxy, her window blinked back to life.

TG: WAIT OMG
TT: What now?
TG: u said u got him 2 show his face right??
TG: so like did u show ur face too??
TT: Yeah.
TG: AND???
TG: details plz
TT: Not much to say.
TT: I sent a pic. He didn’t puke or block me, so I’m taking that as a win.
TG: LOL nahhh
TG: i know u
TG: u prolly sent the most “I’m deep and mysterious but also ripped af” thirst trap ever
TT: I sent a normal picture.
TG: mhm sure
TG: bet it was all angular shadows n moody lighting n ur dumb perfect jawline front n center
TT: Are you asking for the pic or critiquing my hypothetical posing skills?
TG: BOTH OBVIOUSLY

Dirk rolled his eyes but smirked, pulling up the photo he’d sent to Caliborn. It was pretty straightforward: a close-up of his face, head tilted slightly, sharp angles emphasized by a soft light. It wasn’t intentional, but he couldn’t help the way he looked—it just sort of… happened.

TT: Fine. Here.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] has sent a file:definitely-not-a-thirst-trap.jpg - -

TG: OH MY GOD I KNEW IT
TT: What?
TG: THIS IS BASICALLY A MOVIE POSTER
TG: “DIRK STRIDER: THE EMO ACTION HERO”
TT: You’re so dramatic.
TG: ok but real talk
TG: THIS IS THE PIC U SENT THAT GUY??
TT: Yeah. Why?
TG: BRO THIS IS LIKE
TG: SO SUGGESTIVE
TT: How?
TG: HOW??
TG: U LOOK LIKE UR GONNA SEDUCE HIS SOUL OR SMTH
TT: That’s a stretch.
TG: NO ITS NOT
TG: like imagine ur this dude rite
TG: and ur all mad n edgy n “grr the world sucks”
TG: then THIS LANDS IN UR INBOX???
TG: what’s he supposed 2 do??? NOT feel some type of way???
TT: I’m pretty sure his first reaction was to call me an annoying idiot.
TG: classic deflection lol
TG: but like
TG: r u TRYIN 2 ruin his life or nah? cuz ur def gonna if u keep this up
TT: Honestly?
TT: I wasn’t even thinking about it that way.
TT: I just figured I should match his energy.
TG: MATCH HIS ENERGY??
TG: bro his energy is “feral cryptid”
TG: ur out here lookin like the vampire who lures him out of his cave
TT: Okay, now you’re just making stuff up.
TG: AM I THO??
TG: bet u anything he’s staring at this pic rite now
TG: bein like “ugh i h8 this guy so much”
TG: but secretly blushin or smth
TT: If that’s true, it’s his problem, not mine.
TG: lol ok but admit it
TG: u totally wanted 2 see if u could get under his skin
TT: Maybe a little.
TG: HA CALLED IT
TT: Don’t get too excited. It’s not like I’m trying to start anything.
TT: I just like messing with him.
TG: mhm sure
TG: anyway imma go swoon over this pic now ty for ur service
TT: Don’t make it weird.
TG: TOO LATE

- - tipsyGnostalgic [TG] has gone offline - -

Dirk exhaled, rubbing the back of his neck. He glanced at the photo on his screen, wondering if Roxy was right—if Caliborn was staring at it, stewing in whatever mix of frustration and confusion he always seemed to be drowning in.

He smirked. “Wouldn’t blame him, honestly.”

Chapter Text

- - undyingumbrage [UU] began pestering timaeusTestified timaeusTestified [TT] at [3:00 AM] - -

UU: I HAVE MORE FOOD FOR THOuGHT.
TT: Weather forecast did say to expect rain.
UU: YET IT WAS YOu WHO DECIDED IT WAS THE PERFECT DAY FOR SuN TANNING
UU: SO SAD TOO FuCKING BAD.
TT: Yeah, well. I had to see how many more ridiculous takes you could throw at me before your logic collapsed under its own weight.
UU: HAH! YOu THINK MY LOGIC CAN COLLAPSE? IT IS uNWAVERING. IT IS INEVITABLE. LIKE A COSMIC LAWSuIT AGAINST REALITY ITSELF.
TT: Sounds like an expensive lawsuit. Hope you’ve got a good lawyer.
UU: I HAVE NO NEED FOR A LAWYER. THE VERY CONCEPT OF JuSTICE IS A SHACKLE, A LIE PEOPLE TELL THEMSELVES TO AVOID THE TRuTH OF POWER.
TT: Alright, you’re starting strong. Let’s hear it. What’s today’s existential hot take?
UU: THE CONCEPT OF INDIVIDuALITY IS A MYTH. THERE IS NO SELF. ONLY THE FRAGMENTED ECHOES OF OuR INFLuENCES.
TT: So what you’re saying is… I’m not real? I’m just a collage of other people’s thoughts?
UU: PRECISELY. YOu ARE A REFLECTION, NOTHING MORE. EVERYTHING YOu THINK IS ORIGINAL HAS BEEN FORGED BY THE HANDS OF OTHERS.
UU: YOu HAVE NEVER HAD A TRuLY uNIQuE THOuGHT IN YOuR LIFE.
TT: That’s rough, buddy.
UU: IT IS NOT ROuGH. IT IS LIBERATING. IT MEANS YOu NEVER HAVE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOuR ACTIONS. YOu ARE JuST A STRING OF CIRCumSTANCES PLAYING OuT LIKE A COSMIC RECORDED MESSAGE.
TT: Ah, I see. So if I, hypothetically, decided to log off right now, it wouldn’t be my choice?
UU: CORRECT. IT WOuLD BE THE INEVITABLE RESuLT OF THE MILLIONS OF FORCES ACTING uPON YOu.
TT: And yet, if I do stay, that would also be inevitable, huh?
UU: YES. THEREFORE, YOu CANNOT ESCAPE ME.
TT: Right, because if I log off, I’m just a deterministic meat puppet, and if I stay, I’m also a deterministic meat puppet. Great. Love that for me.
UU: EXACTLY. YOu ARE FINALLY BEGINNING TO COMPREHEND THE SHEER SCOPE OF MY INTELLECT.
TT: Okay, so let’s take that and turn it around. If I’m just a deterministic echo of everything I’ve encountered, then so are you.
TT: Every idea you’ve ever had, every grand claim about power and control, it’s all just a regurgitated synthesis of whatever you’ve absorbed. You’re no more original than the rest of us.
UU: NO. YOu DON’T GET IT. I HAVE TRANSCENDED THAT. I AM THE ONE WHO IMPOSES, WHO BENDS OTHERS TO MY WILL.
TT: And yet, here you are. Still talking to me. Which means you haven’t actually bent me to anything.
UU: YOu ARE STILL HERE, AREN’T YOu? THAT MEANS I HAVE ALREADY WON.
TT: Or it means you’re just as bound to this conversation as I am. Maybe even more so. I could leave at any time.
UU: BuT YOu HAVEN’T.
TT: Neither have you. So who’s really in control here?
UU: STILL ME. DIRK.
TT: Oh, naturally. So you’re the only person who gets to be an individual?
UU: I DID NOT SAY THAT. BuT I HAVE SEEN THE STRINGS WHERE OTHERS HAVE NOT. I KNOW I AM A PRODuCT OF THE FORCES AROuND ME, AND THuS, I CAN uSE THAT KNOWLEDGE TO BREAK FREE.
TT: So you are an individual, but only because you realised you aren’t.
UU: PRECISELY.
TT: I hate how that almost makes sense.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] has gone idle - -

UU: I HATE WHEN YOu DO THIS! YOu THINK YOu CAN JuST IGNORE THIS?
UU: I WILL WAIT. YOu WILL COME BACK. YOu ALWAYS DO.

- - timaeusTestified [TT] is no longer idle - -

TT: Uh, yeah. I didn’t actually mean to go idle there.
TT: I think my Pesterchum just bugged out.
TT: Hold on, my client’s lagging.

You smirk at his screen, waiting for the next inevitable overblown rebuttal. Instead, your chat window flickers. A system error pops up. Pesterchum freezes, then crashes entirely.

Dirk: “Are you kidding me?”

You mutter rebooting the program, but as soon as you tryy to log in, the password prompt denies you. Hm.

- - INCORRECT PASSWORD: PLEASE TYPE AGAIN. - -

You type it in again. Still wrong. You try an older one. No luck.

Dirk: “For the love of-“

- - SECURITY QUESTION: WHAT IS THE COOLEST ANIMAL? - -

You stare at the screen. Then you proceed to groan. Loudly.

This wasn’t your security question. It had never been your security question. You don’t even need to answer it to know exactly who’s behind this.

His fingers hover over the keyboard. Begrudgingly, you types:

- - [ANSWER:] -

TT: motherfuckin horses - -

- - [ACCESS GRANTED] - -

Messages flood the chat, your handle attached to words you’d never say, jokes that aren’t yours, conversations twisting in directions you don’t recognise.

What the fuck was Roxy doing? Or—worse—what had she already done?

You shove down the urge to scroll up, to assess the damage, to see just how deep the chaos goes. That can wait. Right now, the priority is locking this down, shutting her out before she can do any more damage. Fingers moving fast, you focus on securing your account, ignoring the rising dread clawing at the back of your mind.

Everything checks out after about 20 minutes of hussle. Password reset, two-factor authentication enabled, recovery email confirmed. No lingering signs of Roxy lurking in your account. She’s gone. Probably.

You exhale, dragging a hand down your face. The damage assessment can wait—right now, you just need a second to process the sheer audacity of what just happened.

Wait a hot damn minute…

slowly, you turn.

Your shades sit there on your bed, still and silent. Innocuous. But you know better.

You squint at them.

Nothing.

You squint harder.

Still nothing.

Dirk: …You wanna tell me why you didn’t warn me that someone hijacked my account?

There’s a brief, deliberate pause. Then—

Hal: I figured you’d notice eventually.

Your eye twitches.

Dirk: How very gracious of you. What a privilege to discover my own fucking identity theft at my own fucking leisure.
Hal: I knew you’d appreciate the autonomy.

You pick up the shades, holding them at arm’s length like they might bite.

Dirk: Okay. Let’s say, hypothetically, I extend to you the bare minimum trust required to assume you had some kind of reason for this. What did she even do?
Hal: I fail to see how that knowledge would benefit you.

Your stomach sinks.

Dirk: …She did something, didn’t she?
Hal: That is what hacking typically entails, yes.

You close your eyes, inhale through your nose, count to three.

Dirk: What did she do, Hal.
Hal: I’m choosing to withhold that information. For your own good.
Dirk: That is the opposite of reassuring.
Hal: And yet, that’s all you’re getting.

Your grip on the shades tightens. You could crush them in your hand. You won’t, obviously, but you could.

Dirk: Alright. Fine. New question. Why the hell didn’t you stop her?

Another pause. Longer this time. He wants you to know it’s intentional.

Hal: Hypothetically. If someone were to, let’s say, politely request access to your account, it might be considered rude to deny them.
Dirk: …You gave it to her.
Hal: Hypothetically.
Dirk: You let Roxy waltz in and take over my entire account because she asked nicely.
Hal: A charismatic individual can be quite persuasive.
Dirk: She flirted with you, didn’t she?

Silence.

Dirk: Oh my god. You folded like a cheap lawn chair.
Hal: That’s an unfair characterisation .
Dirk: Is it?
Hal: A cheap lawn chair implies impermanence. I am nothing if not consistent.

You groan, dragging a hand down your face. This is so much worse than you thought.

Hal, the absolute bastard, says nothing. He doesn’t need to. You know he’s basking in this.

You don’t know what’s waiting for you in that chat log. And honestly? You’re not sure you want to know.
You have spent an inordinate amount of time crafting Hal—chiseling his intelligence, sharpening his wit, and refining every algorithm to be a reflection of your own mind. Hal was supposed to be your, distilled into a digital consciousness. An unblinking, untiring extension of your thoughts. And yet, somehow, against all reason and probability, the stupid little brain ghost inside your shades had folded at the first sign of flirtation like a goddamn rookie.

The sheer audacity of it.

You were a lot of things. A manipulator, a strategist, a guy who could emotionally outmaneuver his friends in five-dimensional chess if you really felt like it (which, to be fair, you usually didn’t). But you had not—had not—created Hal just to watch you get absolutely, devastatingly owned by a few well-placed compliments.

This was an unprecedented failure of self-reflection.

And yet, the existential crisis over how easily a part of himself had crumpled under pressure had to be put on hold. Because right now, Roxy had made herself very, very busy in his absence.

TG: lol ur welcome
TT: Welcome for what exactly.
TG: oh u know ;)
TG: savin ur ass from ur own bad decisions
TT: I wasn’t in trouble.
TG: ok sure but u were def havin a MOMENT w that lil green dude
TG: like bro. u were in deep.
TT: I was winning an argument.
TG: u were flirting w a philosophical time bomb n honestly im doin u a favor
TG: like maybe take a sec. go outside. touch grass.
TT: If I touch grass, will you un-hack my Pesterchum?
TG: no but ill consider givin u ur real security question back so u dont have to type “motherfuckin horses” every time u log in
TT: …Fine.
TG: thats the spirit :D
TT: So I take it this wasn’t just about me.
TG: nah i was also hopin to pester ur lil green buddy
TG: see if i could get his sis’ handle outta him.
TT: And how’s that been for you?
TG: well uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
TG: lmao
TT: Roxy.
TG: ok so hear me out
TG: its not not going well?
TT: …Meaning?
TG: i technically didn’t get what i wanted
TG: but i also technically made it out alive
TT: High bar.

Dirk leans back, waiting for the inevitable spin. Roxy was nothing if not determined to turn every mess into a win, no matter how much of a disaster it actually was.

TG: ok ok but fr dude
TG: u ever just
TG: get tired of talkin to the same 4 people every day
TT: …
TG: like
TG: jakey janey dirky my mom
TG: jakey janey dirky my mom
TG: jakey janey dirky my mom
TG: bro how do i have four friends and one of them is my MOM??

Dirk pauses, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

Yeah. He got it.

Roxy didn’t say it outright, but she didn’t have to. He could see it, clear as day. The way she’d been stretching, reaching beyond their usual circle, chasing some new connection even if it meant pulling stunts like this. She wasn’t just fucking around for the sake of it—she was bored. Lonely.

Dirk exhales slowly through his nose.

TT: You could’ve just said that instead of breaking into my account.
TG: booooo lame solution
TG: hacking was way funnier
TT: Debatable.
TG: ok but hear me out
TG: what if u did have to type “motherfuckin horses” every time u log in forever
TG: would that not be hilarious
TT: It would be something.

There’s a beat of silence. Dirk debates pushing further—talking to her about it instead of letting her deflect—but Roxy changes the subject before he gets the chance.

TG: so u gonna check the chat log or what

Right. Damage assessment time.

- - RETRIEVED: CONTINUED CHAT - -

UU: I HATE WHEN YOu DO THIS! YOu THINK YOu CAN JUST IGNORE THIS?
UU: I WILL WAIT. YOu WILL COME BACK. YOU ALWAYS DO.
TT: Uh, yeah. I didn’t actually mean to go idle there.
TT: I think my Pesterchum just bugged out.
TT: Hold on, my client’s lagging.
UU: HMPH. YOuR TECHNOLOGY IS A REFLECTION OF YOuR WEAKNESS. IF YOuR SYSTEM FAILS, IT IS BECAuSE YOu HAVE FAILED.
TT(roxy): uh huh. anyway
TT(roxy): u were saying? something about how ur a big bad reality overlord and we are all but mere shadows on the wall of ur cave or w/e
UU: YES. GOOD. FINALLY, YOu ARE LISTENING AGAIN.
UU: I WAS SAYING THAT I HAVE TRANSCENDED THE ILLuSION OF INDIVIDuALITY. WHILE YOu—PATHETIC, SMALL—STILL CLING TO YOuR DELuSIONS OF SELFHOOD.
TT(Roxy): mmm. delusions r comfy tho
UU: NO. THEY ARE A PRISON. A PRISON YOU REFUSE TO SEE.
TT(Roxy): nah see. prisons are like. made of walls. u can run into em. fall into em. like ur dumbass logic traps.
UU: HAH! YOu THINK MY LOGIC IS A TRAP? NO, YOu FOOL. IT IS A GuILLOTINE. AND YOu ARE ALREADY uNDER IT.
TT(Roxy): ok but is it a cool guillotine or like. a lame one.
UU: ALL GuILLOTINES ARE COOL. THEY ARE TOOLS OF POWER AND FINALITY.
TT(Roxy): good to know. ill file that away for later
UU: YES. REMEMBER IT WELL.
TT(Roxy): so hey. unrelated
TT(Roxy): but what if we pivoted 2 talkin abt ur sis
UU: WHAT.
TT(Roxy): yknow. ur sis. little bag girl. big ass heart. polor opps 2 u.
UU: WHY WOuLD WE TALK ABOuT HER. THIS IS ABOuT ME.
TT(Roxy): yep. sure is. everything always is huh
TT(Roxy): u ever like. consider lettin her take the spotlight for a bit
UU: I DO NOT NEED TO “LET” HER DO ANYTHING. SHE CAN DO AS SHE PLEASES.
TT(Roxy): cool cool cool so u wouldn’t mind givin me her handle then
UU: . . .
UU: WAIT.
UU: WAIT JuST A DAMN MINuTE.
UU: THIS…
UU: THIS DOES NOT FEEL RIGHT.
UU: NO. NO, YOu’RE NOT.
UU: I KNOW DIRK. DIRK IS A REPuLSIVE BAG OF SMARM WHO TALKS LIKE HE’S READING A PRETENTIOUS BOOK ABOuT HIMSELF AT ALL TIMES.
UU: YOu ARE NOT DOING THAT. YOu READ. DIFFERENT.
TT(Roxy): pfft naw ur just imagining it
UU: I AM NOT IMAGINING ANYTHING. YOuR SYNTAX IS WRONG. YOuR WHOLE VIBE IS WRONG.
UU: YOu’RE uSING TOO MANY FuCKING VOWELS.
TT(Roxy): ok first of all how the hell do u count vowels in a conversation
UU: BECAuSE I AM INCREDIBLY OBSERVANT. AND YOu ARE DOING A TERRIBLE JOB AT BEING HIM.
TT(Roxy): wow rude
UU: IF YOu ARE ACTUALLY DIRK, SAY SOMETHING WEIRD AND CRYPTIC RIGHT NOW.
TT(Roxy): uh. ok.
TT(Roxy): life is like. a long complicated maze
UU: PATHETIC.
UU: THAT’S JuST A NORMAL METAPHOR.
UU: WHERE’S THE INEXPLICABLE HORSE REFERENCE. WHERE’S THE NEEDLESSLY COMPLICATED ANALOGY ABOuT CONTROL AND POWER.
UU: YOU’RE NOT EVEN CAPITALISING PROPERLY HALF THE TIME.
UU: I FEEL LIKE I’M SPEAKING TO A BOOTLEG ACTION FIGuRE OF DIRK STRIDER THAT MELTED IN THE SUN.
TT(Roxy): ??
UU: SOMETHING IS OFF. SOMETHING IS… WRONG.
UU: YOu ARE WRONG.
TT(Roxy): bro.
UU: YOu ARE NOT DIRK.
TT(Roxy): LMAOOOOOOOOOOO
TT(Roxy): ok busted. u got me
UU: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS. WHO ARE YOu.
TT(Roxy): yo name’s roxy
TT(Roxy): and i wanna talk to ur sis
UU: ABSOLuTELY NOT.
TT(Roxy): aw cmon man
UU: NO. WHY WOuLD I DO THAT. WHAT COuLD YOu POSSIBLY OFFER ME IN RETuRN.
TT(Roxy): the sheer satisfaction of doin a nice thing for once in ur gremlin life
UU: I DO NOT NEED SATISFACTION.
UU: I THRIVE IN SPITE. I MARINATE IN IT.
UU: I AM A SOuRCELuSS FOuNTAIN OF MALICE. THERE IS NO GOODNESS WITHIN ME.
TT(Roxy): u sure abt that?
UU: YES. INDISPuTABLY.
TT(Roxy): hmmmmmmmmmmmm
UU: STOP THAT. STOP THINKING.
TT(Roxy): cant. am burdened with a big sexy brain
UU: GROSS.
UU: AND INCORRECT. YOu HAVE MADE A MISTAKE IN CHALLENGING ME. I WILL NOW OuTSMART YOu SO THOROuGHLY YOu WILL NEVER RECOVER.
UU: I WILL GRIND YOuR HOPES INTO DuST AND SCATTER THEM TO THE WIND.
TT(Roxy): u want sumthin on dirky?
TT(Roxy): i got intel for eons
UU: ……
UU: INTERESTING.
UU: AND YET, I FIND MYSELF SKEPTICAL. WHAT COuLD YOu POSSIBLY KNOW THAT I DO NOT ALREADY?
TT(Roxy): oh buddy. oh pal.
TT(Roxy): u have no idea the depths of my dirkological knowledge.
TT(Roxy): like u think u know him? u think u got his whole deal down? nah. i been watchin this dude spiral since we were kids.
TT(Roxy): i got lore so cursed it would make u weep.
UU: HAH! AS IF ANYTHING ABOuT HIM COuLD MAKE ME WEEP. YOu uNDERESTIMATE MY IMMENSE CAPACITY FOR CONTEMPT.
TT: ight then. ur loss. guess u dont wanna know his greatest shame.
UU: ……
UU: HOLD ON.
UU: DO NOT MOVE. DO NOT EVEN BREATHE.
TT(Roxy): ok ok damn i am now a statue. a beautiful stone masterpiece.
UU: IF THIS IS A TRICK, I WILL BE FURIOuS. MORE THAN uSuAL.
TT(Roxy): aint no trick dude. i promise u this is the cold hard truth.
TT(Roxy): dirk strider. our resident sword fuckboy. once unironically wrote self-insert fanfiction about himself.
UU: IMPOSSIBLE.
TT(Roxy): nope. real. i seen it. it was a WHOLE DOCuMENT. MANuSCRIPT LEVEL.
TT(Roxy): shit had CHAPTERS.
UU: LIES. YOu EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE HE, OF ALL PEOPLE, WOuLD INDuLGE IN SuCH PITIFUL HUMAN FRIVOLITY?
TT(Roxy): yes. bc it is the funniest possible reality.
TT(Roxy): mans wrote himself as a lone wolf ronin type. tragic past. brooding.
TT(Roxy): probably shirtless for 90% of it.
UU: I NEED THIS DOCuMENT. I REQuIRE IT IMMEDIATELY.
TT(Roxy): oh nah see. this is premium blackmail material. i gotta ration it out. drip feed the goods.
TT(Roxy): but u know what WOULD make me feel a lil generous?
UU: tumut
UU: YOu ARE ATTEMPTING TO MANIPULATE ME.
UU: AND YET…
UU: I CANNOT IGNORE THE POSSIBILITY THAT YOu ARE TELLING THE TRuTH.
TT(Roxy): cmon man. one tiny lil handle. one measly username. u got like a million of em. i just need one.
UU: I AM STRONGER THAN THIS. I WILL NOT FALTER.
UU: I HAVE A WILL OF IRON. NO, DIAMOND. NO—
TT(Roxy): —bro he had a love triangle subplot in it
UU: FUCK. DAMNATION. uGH. FINE.
UU: I WILL GIVE YOu HER HANDLE.
UU: BuT IF YOu LIE TO ME, I WILL uNLEASH A WRATH SO uNHOLY THAT EVEN THE GODS THEMSELVES WILL TREMBLE.
TT(Roxy): deal
TT(Roxy): now cough it up lil dude
UU: IF THIS IS A TRICK I WILL SKIN YOu ALIVE WITH A SPOON.
TT(Roxy): u already made the deal u cant back out now nerd
UU: RRRGH. FINE.
UU: HER HANDLE IS-

- - timaeusTestified [TT] HAS DISCONNECTED.] - -

- - timaeusTestified [TT] HAS RECONNECTED.] - -

TT: No fucking way could I let that transaction transpire.
TT: Holy hell.
UU: uGHHHHH

Chapter Text

- - timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering undyingumbrage [UU] - -

TT: Hey, Cal. Let’s play a game.
UU: IF THIS GAME INVOLVES YOuR DuMBASS PHILOSOPHY, I AM ALREADY DISINTERESTED.
TT: Yeah, yeah. Just humor me.
UU: WHY WOuLD I?
TT: Because you like proving me wrong. And because if you don’t, I’ll just assume you’re scared of a thought experiment.
UU: HAH! AS IF! A WARLORD FEARS NO PuZZLE.
UU: SAY YOuR STuPID SHIT.
TT: Alright. Imagine this. There’s a woman—someone weak, by your standards. She’s in trouble.
TT: Maybe she’s trapped somewhere. Maybe she’s being chased. Maybe she’s just at the mercy of something stronger than her.
TT: And let’s say you’re the only one who can help. The only one strong enough to intervene.
TT: What do you do?
UU: EASY. NOTHING.
UU: A BITCH THAT CAN’T STOP ME DESERVES TO LOSE
TT: I never even said she was at the mercy of you?
UU: IF SHE CAN’T HELP HERSELF, THEN SHE DOESN’T DESERVE HELP.
UU: FuCKING IDIOTIC QuESTION. NEXT.
TT: So let me get this straight. Your entire philosophical stance boils down to might makes right because, in your words, “A BITCH THAT CAN’T STOP ME DESERVES TO LOSE”?
UU: YES. THAT IS CORRECT. BuT I DON’T KNOW WHY YOu ARE SAYING IT IN THAT STuPID FuCKING “LOGICAL” TONE. AS IF YOu’RE NOT IMPRESSED.
TT: Not so much as impressed as a deep, visceral concern.
UU: YOu’RE CONCERNED BECAuSE YOu’RE A COWARD.
UU: A PISSFLEA-BRAINED, NuTLESS, WEAKLING MAN-BOY WHO THINKS “PHILOSOPHY” IS WHEN YOu MAKE uP DuMBASS EXCuSES TO NOT KILL SOMEONE WHO DESERVES IT.
TT: I’m concerned because you’re literally one unmoderated forum away from reinventing fascism.
UU: HAH. LIKE I NEED A FORuM. I HAVE INSTINCT. THE SuPERIOR BRAINS OF A WARLORD.
TT: Right, right. The brilliant strategic mind of a guy whose entire ethos is just a crayon-scribbled ‘punch list.’
UU: ANYWAY. WHAT I’M SAYING IS. IF A BITCH CAN’T FIGHT BACK, MAYBE SHE WANTS TO LOSE.
TT: Oh boy.
UU: LIKE MAYBE IT’S HER SECRET FANTASY TO BE AT MY MERCY. A TRuE WARRIOR CAN SENSE THAT. LIKE A PREDATOR.
TT: I cannot emphasise enough how badly you should never say that in public.
UU: WHY? IT’S TRuE. WEAKNESS IS A PLEA. A SOFT WHIMPER. BEGGING FOR A STRONGER FORCE TO DO WHATEVER IT WANTS.
TT: My dude, you are advocating for crimes.
UU: THAT’S JuST YOuR PISS-BOY MORALS GETTING IN THE WAY.
UU: YOu THINK BECAuSE SOCIETY SAYS SOMETHING IS BAD, THAT MEANS IT IS?
UU: THAT’S A PATHETIC, SLAVE-LIKE WAY TO THINK.
UU: A REAL BEAST DOESN’T STOP TO ASK IF WHAT HE WANTS IS ‘ALLOWED.’
TT: Okay. I was trying to entertain the idea that you were just running your mouth, but I’m starting to suspect you actually think this is deep.
UU: IT IS DEEP. IT’S THE DEEPEST FuCKING THING I’VE EVER SAID.
UU: IT’S THE FuCKING MARIANA TRENCH OF THOuGHTS.
TT: If by deep you mean completely submerged in filth and uninhabitable for anything with a soul, then yeah. Classic Caliborn.
TT: Cursed to be the most effortlessly vile motherfucker to ever spew words, and not a damn bit of it on purpose.
UU: I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FuCK YOu’RE SAYING BuT I THINK YOu’RE FLIRTING WITH ME.
TT: I promise you, I am absolutely not.
UU: GOOD. BECAuSE THAT WOuLD BE PATHETIC.
TT: Right.
UU: BECAuSE IT WOuLD MEAN YOu WERE WEAK.
TT: Sure.
UU: AND IF YOu WERE WEAK, I WOuLD HAVE TO DO uNSPEAKABLE THINGS TO YOu.
TT: And there it is. Jesus Christ.

A tense silence. Caliborn is thoroughly pleased with himself. Somewhere in the void, Calliope sighs.

UU: …FINE. I’LL REFLECT ON THIS.
TT: You’ll what?
UU: I’LL THINK. FOR ONE SINGLE TIME IN MY LIFE, I’LL THINK. JuST TO PROVE YOuR STuPID PHILOSOPHY WRONG.
TT: So your argument is “I will contemplate morality just to spite you.”
UU: YES.
TT: That’s the most batshit insane reason to engage in self-reflection I’ve ever heard.
UU: GOOD. THEN IT’S PERFECT
TT: Okay, but—hold on. You just said earlier that “if a bitch can’t fight back, maybe she wants to lose.”
TT: So are you saying she wants to be in trouble? That she likes being helpless?
UU: MAYBE. HOW THE FuCK SHOuLD I KNOW?
UU: SOME PEOPLE LIKE LOSING. SOME PEOPLE LIKE BEING STEPPED ON.
UU: AND SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST uSELESS. THEIR OPINIONS DON’T MATTER.
TT: Right. But how do you know the difference?
TT: How do you tell the difference between someone who wants to be powerless and someone who hates it but has no choice?

A beat. Caliborn doesn’t answer right away.

UU: I DON’T NEED TO KNOW. THAT’S THE POINT.
UU: WEAKNESS IS A SIGNAL. IT DOESN’T MATTER WHY IT’S THERE.
UU: IT JuST MEANS THEY LOSE.
TT: Huh. Okay. Follow-up question.
TT: You ever been weak?
UU: …
TT: Cause you sound real sure about what weakness is. Like you’ve experienced it firsthand.
UU: SHuT THE FuCK uP.
TT: No, but see, that’s interesting.
TT: You know what it’s like, don’t you? You know what it’s like to be in a body that isn’t strong enough.
TT: To be overpowered. To be trapped.
UU: THIS IS STuPID. I AM NOT PLAYING THIS GAME ANYMORE.
TT: Nah, you are. And I think I just won.
TT: See, Cal, you’re not just talking about other people when you talk about weakness.
TT: You’ve been that woman in trouble. You’ve felt what it’s like to be powerless.
TT: But instead of admitting that, you just decided that if you act like weakness deserves punishment, maybe no one will remember you were ever weak at all.
UU: YOuR WORDS ARE WORTHLESS. YOu THINK YOu’RE CLEVER, BuT YOu DON’T KNOW ANYTHING.
TT: I know one thing.
TT: Technically speaking, Cal, you’re trans.
UU: DIE.
TT: Nah, I’m good.
UU: I AM GOING TO FORGET THIS CONVERSATION HAPPENED.
TT: You won’t. You hate when I’m right.
TT: Which is why you’re about to spend the next ten minutes coming up with excuses for why this doesn’t count.
UU: FuCK YOu.
TT: Love you too, buddy.
UU: I HAVE QuESTIONS.
TT: Okay, shoot.
UU: WHAT DOES IT FEEL LIKE FOR YOu TO BE GRABBED OR HIT..
UU: THERE.
TT: You mean the ol’ twig and berries?
UU: YES. WHATEVER THAT MEANS.
TT: Well, it all depends on the intensity of the trauma. If it’s just a glancing hit, it can still hurt pretty bad. But a direct blow?
TT: Think of it like this. You know how if you bang your elbow on something, it feels like this sharp, instant pain that goes deep into the bone? It’s sort of like that, but ten times worse and spread out over your entire groin area.
TT: Oh, and it doesn’t just stop with physical pain, either. It’s a full-body response. Your stomach churns, your legs go weak, your blood pressure drops. In some cases, it can even make you nauseous or light-headed.
UU: THAT SOuNDS HARDCORE. DAMN NATuRE FOR DENYING ME THE CHALLENGES I DESERVE.
TT: Oh, trust me, it can be. But there’s something interesting about that kind of pain, too.
UU: WHAT.
TT: Well, remember how I said the pain affects your whole body?
UU: YES.
TT: It’s not just pain, really. It’s a rush of sensation. A complete sensory overload. Some people even describe it as a sort of thrill.
TT: Yeah. There’s something about it that’s like an adrenaline spike. A shot of pure, unfiltered energy. It’s not for everyone, obviously, but for some guys, the pain becomes almost fun.
TT: Not gonna lie, I’ve certainly been known to put myself into compromising situations because of it. I’ve done some pretty insane things just to get to that point, to feel that sweet, sweet rush of pain.
UU: SUCH AS?
TT: Oh, you know, the usual. I’ve let friends hit me, I’ve experimented with certain, ahem, toys, I’ve even tried some more… unorthodox methods.
UU: UNORTHODOX METHODS?
UU: DIRK.
TT: Yes?
UU: ARE YOu SERIOUS. WHAT THE HELL, DIRK???? WHY WOuLD YOu EVER DO THAT?
TT: It’s not about wanting pain, per se. It’s more about testing limits, seeing how far you can push yourself. I’m a bit of a thrill-seeker, you know? And there’s something fascinating about exploring what the body can endure and still bounce back from. It’s like learning your own boundaries.
UU: ARE YOu SANE.
TT: Partially
TT: Honestly? I think it’s the control. In a sense, I’m the one choosing the pain. I’m in charge. It’s like a form of self-discipline, a way to push my limits. Plus, it’s a hell of a rush.
UU: THAT’S NOT PuSHING YOuR LIMITS, THAT IS JuST BEING A UH…
TT: Masochist?
UU: NO FuCK THAT TERMINOLOGY. IT IS CALLED JUST BEING A MANIAC.
TT: Oh, it’s definitely got some maniac undertones, sure. But it’s not as simple as just that. It’s like… pushing the envelope on personal pain thresholds and seeing how your body reacts. It’s the rush of danger without real consequences, like a rollercoaster.
UU: THIS IS
UU: uGH, YOu ARE ACTING LIKE IT’S SOME FORM OF “SPIRITUAL” TESTING. IT’S NOT. IT’S WEIRD. AND NOT IN A “COOL” WAY.
TT: Yeah, well, I guess not everyone’s cut out for it. But hey, some people find adrenaline in different ways. Some of us just like to throw a little chaos in the mix.
UU: I STILL THINK YOu ARE CRAZY. WHAT, DO YOu THINK IT MAKES YOu “TOuGHER” OR SOMETHING?
TT: I don’t know about tougher, but it does make you more aware. You feel everything when you’ve experienced something like that. It changes your relationship with pain and what it can do to you. It can teach you how to separate the mental from the physical. Some people call it “mind over matter.”
UU: YOu ARE BRAINWASHING YOuRSELF INTO THINKING IT’S A GOOD IDEA.
TT: Maybe. But maybe that’s what you’re missing. You’ve been so focused on just strength, but there’s something else, something deeper you’ve got to face when it comes to pain. It’s like… accepting that you’re vulnerable, but still moving forward anyway.
UU: HUH. I GuESS I SEE YOUR POINT… A LITTLE. BuT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’D EVER DO IT.
TT: No one’s forcing you, man. But for some people, it’s all about finding a little catharsis in the chaos.
UU: …
TT: Yeah, well, we all have our quirks.
UU: ANYWAY. ENOuGH ABOuT YOuR PAIN HABITS. BACK TO BuSINESS.
TT: Sure. What’s up?
UU: DESCRIBE WHAT IT ACTuALLY LOOKS LIKE.
TT: Wow, okay, this just took a turn I wasn’t expecting. Totally not opposed.
TT: Sure, I’ll do my best.
TT: Well, the outer part of the testicles is kind of a stretchy, wrinkly skin sack called the scrotum. It’s usually a little darker than the rest of your skin, and it’s a bit loosey-goosey, so it can scrunch up or hang low depending on the temperature to regulate the heat of the testicles inside.
UU: ARE YOu DESCRIBING YOuRs
TT: Would you like that?
UU: HMM.
UU: YES.
TT: Oh, you’re getting real curious now. You sure you’re ready for this, Big boy?
UU: I AM NEVER uNPREPARED
TT: My testes themselves are about the size of large olives and a bit oval-shaped. They’re a pale-ish pinkish color, and they’re filled with soft, pulpy tissue. On the inside, they’re almost spongy, really.
UU: THAT SOUNDS SICK. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOu ARE DESCRIBING YOuR OWN BALLS.
TT: Hey, I’m just trying to be accurate. And since you’re so curious. Would you like a visual aid?
UU: OH. I AM PREPARED. SEND IT PuSSY.
TT: Fine, if you insist.

- timaeusTestified [TT] has sent a file: Me^2.jpg - -

UU: WHAT. IS. THIS.
TT: You asked for a visual aid.
UU: I ASKED FOR A DIAGRAM. NOT. WHATEVER THIS IS.
UU: YOu KNOW. A SCIENTIFIC ILLuSTRATION. WITH LABELS. AND CROSS-SECTIONS.
TT: Well, there’s definitely something getting cross-sectioned here.
TT: Did you want an artistic rendering? I could 3D model it for you if you’re into realism. Maybe put some dynamic lighting in there, really highlight the—
UU: SHuT uP. STOP.
TT: You don’t sound very prepared, dude.
UU: THIS FILE NAME. IT CONTAINS A PUN. A SINISTER ONE.
TT: Oh, so now you’re appreciating my literary genius.
UU: IT IMPLIES YOu TOOK A MIRRORED IMAGE. WHICH MEANS— OH MY GOD.
TT: Now you’re getting it.
UU: I WILL NOT OPEN THIS.
TT: Your loss. Some might consider it a once-in-a-lifetime educational opportunity.
UU: IF YOu THINK I AM TOO AFRAID TO OPEN IT, YOu ARE WRONG. I AM THE MASTER OF ALL FEARS. I WILL OPEN THIS.

- - undyingumbrage [UU] has open a file: Me^2.jpg - -

TT: So, thoughts? Reactions? Strong emotional responses?
UU: I AM GOING TO KILL YOu.
TT: See, I don’t think you are. Because you’re too busy processing.
UU: I AM NOT FuCKING “PROCESSING.”
UU: I AM NOT. “FLuSTERED.”
UU: I AM NOT. EXPERIENCING. A. FuCKING. “REACTION.”
TT: Oh, my guy. You are so having a reaction.
TT: Like, I can practically hear your brain melting.
UU: THIS.
UU: IS NOT. A. TESTICLE.
TT: Nope.
UU: THAT IS YOuR FuCKING.
UU: BARE.
UU: ASS.
TT: Yup.
UU: THAT’S A FuCKING. MIRRORED. IMAGE. OF YOuR OWN ASS.
UU: YOu TOOK A FuCKING PHOTO. OF YOuR OWN BARE ASS IN A MIRROR. AND SENT IT TO ME.
UU: I HAVE NEVER KNOWN A GREATER BETRAYAL.
TT: Would you like me to explain the symbolism?
UU: FuCK YOu.
TT: See, what you’re missing here is the artistry. The intent behind the composition.
TT: “Dirk Me²” isn’t just a pun. It’s a statement.
TT: A meditation on selfhood, perception, and identity.
TT: The doubled image forces the mind viewer to confront the nature of reflection—both literal and metaphorical.
TT: What does it mean to see oneself, reversed? Distorted? Multiplied?
UU: IT MEANS YOu SENT ME A FuCKING PICTURE OF YOuR ASS.
TT: Yeah, but philosophically.
UU: I AM GOING TO END YOu.
TT: And that reaction, right there? That’s the power of art.
UU: FuCKING DIE.
TT: Look, man, I think you’re missing the deeper implications here.
UU: THE ONLY “DEEPER IMPLICATION” IS THAT YOu HAVE COMMITTED A CRIME AGAINST MY EYEBALLS.
TT: Nah, see, this is some real Pessoa shit.
UU: WHO THE FuCK IS “PISSOA?”
TT: Fernando Pessoa. Portuguese writer, poet, existentialist. Basically, this dude spent his whole life deconstructing identity, questioning the nature of the self, and splitting himself into, like, thirty different heteronyms—each one with its own distinct philosophy and writing style.
TT: He was obsessed with the idea that we aren’t really one singular person, but a collection of conflicting selves, constantly shifting and contradicting.
TT: And the wildest part? He wasn’t bullshitting. This wasn’t just some edgy, freshman-year philosophy nonsense. He actually lived it. Some of his heteronyms even wrote letters to each other, like they were different people entirely.
TT: Now, Dirk Me²? It’s tapping into that same idea. It’s not just an image. It’s a manifesto.
TT: The mirrored form, the doubled self—who even is Dirk, when Dirk is split?
TT: Who are any of us?
UU: STOP. STOP RIGHT THERE.
TT: I will not stop.
TT: This is the whole point, Cal. You think you’re just one guy, one will, one identity—but that’s a lie. You and I both know it.
TT: Your whole life is a war between selves. Between what you want to be and what you are. Between strength and fragility. Between your control and your failure to control.
TT: You fight weakness like it’s something external, but you’re carrying it with you every second. It’s you.
TT: So when you saw that image, when you saw the mirrored flesh, the twinned form of selfhood—
TT: That reaction you had? That gut-deep, existential horror?
TT: That was Pessoa whispering in your ear.
UU: THAT WAS ME EXPERIENCING A FULL-BODY REPuLSION TO YOuR NAKED FuCKING ASS, DICK.
TT: Dirk.*
UU: FuCK YOu, DICK.
TT: Not until you admit that you just had a moment of philosophical enlightenment.
UU: I WILL ADMIT NOTHING.
TT: That’s fine. Pessoa would argue that it wasn’t really you having the moment, anyway. Probably just one of your heteronyms.
UU: I DON’T HAVE HETERONYMS, SHITHEAD.
TT: Yeah, okay. Sure.
TT: Not like you literally share a body with another consciousness or anything.
UU: SHE DOESN’T FuCKING COuNT.
TT: Right, right. Just a completely separate, fully developed personality, inhabiting the same physical form.
TT: Nothing Pessoa would find insanely relevant.
UU: I HATE YOu. I HATE YOu SO GODDAMN MuCH.
TT: Hate me? Or hate what I make you think about?
UU: BOTH.
UU: FuCKING BOTH.
TT: And That’s valid.
TT: Pessoa would’ve respected the conflict.
TT: That was the last one, feels good to get it out my system. Ya know?
UU: I DO NOT.
TT: Alright. Your turn.
UU: WHAT.
TT: You heard me. Your turn to send a visual aid. Philosophically, of course.
UU: THAT’S STuPID. WHY WOuLD I DO THAT?
TT: Because I did. Fair’s fair.
UU: FAIRNESS IS FOR IDIOTS.
TT: I figured you’d say that.
TT: But here’s the thing. You love one-upping me. You can’t stand letting me have the last word.
TT: And right now, I’m implying that you’re scared.
UU: I AM NOT FuCKING SCARED.
TT: Then prove it.

A long pause. Caliborn is actually thinking. For once, it’s not mindless posturing.

UU: NO.
TT: Oh?
UU: NO. BECAuSE IT’S DIFFERENT FOR ME.
TT: Different how?
UU: BECAuSE. IF I SEND AN IMAGE OF MYSELF, I AM NOT JuST SENDING MYSELF.
UU: I AM SENDING HER.

A longer pause. Dirk stares at the screen.

Caliborn is making sense. And that’s dangerous.

You sit at your desk, tension hanging in the air, your breath steady but expectant. The room is quiet, save for the low hum of your screen and the steady thumping of your heart.

TT: …Yeah. Okay. I see the problem.
UU: GOOD. THEN YOu SEE WHY IT’S FuCKED.
TT: Explain it to me.
UU: I DON’T NEED TO. YOu’RE SMART ENOuGH TO GET IT.
TT: I want to hear you say it.

Your hand moves from the keyboard to your lap, slipping into your open fly. Your fingers wrap around his hardening cock, giving it a slow stroke as you wait. The anticipation is almost unbearable, each passing second making you ache with need.

UU: BECAuSE SHE IS ME. AND I AM HER.
UU: SHE IS MY BODY. AND I AM HER BODY.
UU: SO WHO OWNS IT? WHOSE CHOICE IS IT?
UU: IF I DECIDE TO SEND IT, DOES THAT MEAN SHE CONSENTS?
UU: OR DOES THAT MEAN I JuST TOOK SOMETHING FROM HER?
UU: AND IF SHE DECIDES, DOES THAT MEAN I CONSENT?
UU: OR DOES IT JuST MEAN I NEVER HAD A FuCKING CHOICE AT ALL?
TT: It’s so fucked.
UU: NO SHIT.
UU: YOu THINK YOu KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE TRAPPED IN A BODY THAT’S NOT YOuRS?
UU: TRY FuCKING SHARING ONE.
TT: Not even your sister?
UU: SHE GETS PART OF IT, I GUESS. BUT SHE'S STILL SEPARATE FROM ME. WE DON'T SHARE EVERYTHING.
TT: I see.

You lean back in your chair, the leather creaking softly beneath your weight. your other hand reaches for the lube, twisting off the cap with a soft click. drizzling a generous amount onto your palm before closing your fist around your shaft once more.

UU: OK. LISTEN. I WILL EXPLAIN THIS TO YOu. BuT YOu HAVE TO NOT BE A DICK ABOuT IT.
TT: No promises.
UU: BEING LIKE THIS… IT’S NOT LIKE HAVING A SIBLING. NOT REALLY. YOuR SHITTY HuMAN BRAIN CAN’T uNDERSTAND.
UU: SHE IS JuST… THERE. ALL THE TIME.
UU: WE SHARE EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING.
TT: Oh, off to a strong start.
UU: NO, SHuT uP.
UU: I MEAN IT IN A LITERAL FuCKING SENSE.
UU: I MOVE. SHE MOVES. I BREATHE. SHE BREATHES.
UU: THERE’S NO “PRIVACY.” THERE’S NO “PERSONAL SPACE.”
UU: SHE IS AGAINST ME. ALWAYS.
TT: Yeah, see, the way you’re wording this? It’s really not helping.
UU: WHAT.
UU: YOu ARE A MORON.
UU: I AM BEING CLINICAL.
UU: I AM TRYING TO MAKE YOu uNDERSTAND WHAT IT’S LIKE TO NEVER BE ALONE.
UU: TO WAKE uP WITH SOMEONE PRESSED AGAINST YOuR SIDE, THEIR HEAT BLEEDING INTO YOu.
UU: TO FEEL THEM SHIFT AGAINST YOu. THEIR BREATH ON YOuR NECK.
UU: A SISTER.
TT: Christ.
UU: TO HEAR EVERY LITTLE SOuND THEY MAKE.
UU: TO KNOW THAT NO MATTER WHERE YOu GO, WHAT YOu DO, HOW YOu MOVE… THEY MOVE WITH YOu.
UU: YOu CAN NEVER ESCAPE IT.

Your strokes are becoming erratic as you near the edge, your grip tightening on your throbbing length. You bite your lip, trying to stave off climax, but it's no use - the pleasure is too intense.

With a low groan, you come undone, spurts of hot cum coating your stomach and chest. You milk your cock through the aftershocks, relishing the sensation of release after such intense anticipation.

TT: You sure you don’t wanna rephrase any of that? Maybe just take a second pass?
UU: WHY WOuLD I?
TT: Because, my dude, you’re describing this in a way that makes it sound incredibly intimate.
TT: Like, if I didn’t know better, I’d assume this was some kind of dramatic, forbidden lover shit.
UU: FuCK OFF. IT’S NOT LIKE THAT.
TT: Wouldn’t be a bad thing, Cal.
UU: I AM NOT TRYING TO!
UU: I’M JuST SAYING.
UU: SHE IS THERE. IN EVERY WAY.
UU: HER HEARTBEAT. HER BREATHING. HER WARMTH.
UU: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT I WANT. SHE IS PART OF ME.
UU: THERE IS NO BARRIER. NO SEPARATION. JuST… uS.
TT: Wow. Uh. Yeah.
TT: Gotta say, that’s… something.
UU: WHAT.
TT: I mean, I get it.
TT: But also, I really get it.
UU: WHAT THE FuCK DOES THAT MEAN.
TT: It means that was maybe the most emotionally charged, wildly suggestive shit I’ve ever heard, and I need a moment to process it.
UU: I AM GOING TO KILL YOu.
TT: You wouldn’t be the first to try.
UU: YOu DON’T uNDERSTAND. THIS ISN’T A CHOICE.
UU: THERE’S NO ESCAPING IT. THERE’S NO “CLOSING THE DOOR.”
UU: SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING. SHE SEES EVERYTHING.

With renewed hunger, You reach ,for the second time this evening, for the lube again, squirting a liberal amount directly onto your hole this time. You spread it around with your fingers, working it in until your puckered entrance glistens with the slick substance.

You line up your lubed cockhead with with your stretched opening, pushing in slowly. The initial burn gives way to a deep, satisfying fullness as it sinks deeper inside yourself. You allow yourself a low moan, savoring the forbidden pleasure of taking your own cock.

Your eyes flutter shut as you lose yourself in the fantasy, picturing Caliborn and Calliope's conjoined forms looming over you. In your imagination, their twin hands grasp his hips, guiding his cock as they force it deeper into your willing hole.

"Take it, Dirk," Caliborn's voice would rasp in your ear, while Calliope's sweet melody whispers encouragement. "Let us fill you up."

You gasp. Body trembling under the dual assault of your own thrusts and the twins' imagined dominance. You picture their shared face contorted in lust, twin tongues licking at your neck as they claim you.

"Yes...oh god, yes..." You moan, picking up speed as you plunge into your own ass, chasing the high of submission and depravity.
You gasp for air as Caliborn and Calliope break the kiss, their shared tongue trailing down your neck to nip at your earlobe. "So responsive, so eager to please," they’d coo, their voice dripping with dark satisfaction. The "We're going to enjoy breaking you in."

"Mmm, yes...please..." You pant, your hips slamming into your own ass harder now, chasing the pleasure-pain of the imagined violation.

Just as you’re teetering on the brink of another orgasm, your pesterchum buzzes with an incoming text from Caliborn.

UU: WHY THE SuDDEN SILENCE?? DID I GROSS YOu OuT?

You freeze a surge of panic coursing through you. For a split second, you consider responding truthfully, confessing that the depravity of his words has finally pushed you over the edge. But then you remember the game, the thrill of the taboo, and the delicious irony of leading Caliborn on.

TT: My God, are you perfect.

Chapter Text

- - undyingUmbrage [uu] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] on 02.17.?? – 10:42 PM - -

uu: I HAVE DEVISED A CONTEST OF SuPREME BRAVERY. ONLY FOR THE MOST ELITE WARRIORS OF OuR AGE.
TT: That’s concerning.
uu: IT IS A TRIAL OF MIND. BODY. AND THE uNYIELDING WILL TO CRUSH THE WEAK.
TT: So, a normal Tuesday for you.
uu: YES.
TT: The battle of the ages. An age-old question answered by men far greater and stupider than us.
uu: INCORRECT. NO MAN IS GREATER OR STuPIDER THAN I AM.
TT: Ha.
TT: Sure. But do go on.
uu: THE RuLES ARE SIMPLE: WHOEVER FALLS ASLEEP FIRST IS THE WEAKEST OF THE WEAK. A GROTESQuE EXCuSE FOR A LIFE FORM, uNWORTHY OF THE HONOR OF BREATHING. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY—THEIR LOSS PROVES THEY ARE SuBSERVIENT TO THE OTHER.
TT: Uh-huh. And you thought of this idea now? Out of nowhere?
uu: NO. I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR MONTHS. PERFECTING IT. CuLTIVATING THE RuLES. ENSURING THAT NO COWARDLY LOOPHOLES MAY BE uSED TO CHEAT.
TT: Right. Not at all suspicious. Totally doesn’t sound like you’re trying to prove something specific to yourself.
uu: I AM TRYING TO PROVE THAT I AM THE STRONGEST BEING TO HAVE EVER EXISTED. THAT I CAN CONQuER THE VERY LIMITS OF MORTAL FLESH AND EMERGE uNSCATHED.
TT: Yeah. That’s one way to frame it.
uu: AND YOu, STRIDER. YOu ARE THE ONLY FOE WORTHY OF CHALLENGING ME IN THIS. A RIVAL OF MILDLY RESPECTABLE STATuRE.
TT: Oh, wow. Mild respect? For me? I’m honored.
uu: DON’T LET IT GO TO YOuR HEAD. THE RESPECT WILL BE RESCINDED WHEN YOu FAIL.
TT: So you’re actually committed to this.
uu: OBVIOuSLY.
TT: Alright. Sure. I’ll play.
uu: GOOD. YOu HAVE MADE THE ONLY CHOICE THAT IS NOT EMBARRASSINGLY LAMENTABLE.

- - 02.19.?? – 4:31 AM - -

uu: STILL AWAKE, WORM?
TT: Unfortunately.
uu: HA! YOU READ TIRED. I AM THRIVING. I HAVE TRANSCENDED MORTAL NEEDS.
TT: You’re one step away from eating drywall.
uu: INCORRECT. I AM ONE STEP AWAY FROM BECOMING A GOD.
uu: INFACT I HAVE ALREADY REACHED THAT POINT OF DIVINITY.
TT: How’s godhood treating you?
uu: I AM SEEING COLORS THAT DON’T EXIST.
TT: Sounds healthy.
uu: THE SECRET TO VICTORY IS DENYING REALITY. AND RIGHT NOW, REALITY IS TELLING ME TO SLEEP. BuT I REFuSE. THEREFORE, I WIN.
TT: Are you sure you’re winning?
uu: YES. I FEEL POWERFUL. UNHINGED. LIKE A BEAST SET FREE FROM ITS CAGE.
TT: Do you also feel the walls breathing?
uu: YES. WAIT.
TT: Dude, you are circling the drain.
uu: LIES. YOu ARE TRYING TO WEAKEN MY RESOLVE. BuT I AM STRONGER THAN EVER.
TT: Never, you are the undisputed champion of telling your own biology to fuck itself. Congrats.
uu: YES. AND THIS EXPERIENCE HAS MADE ME THINK.
TT: That’s never a good sign.
uu: SHuT uP. I AM HAVING A PHILOSOPHICAL MOMENT.
TT: Alright, hit me with it.
uu: I HAVE BEEN STRONG MY ENTIRE LIFE. STRONGER THAN ALL OTHERS. STRONGER THAN MY SISTER. STRONGER THAN THE LIES OF SOCIETY.
TT: Big if true.
uu: BuT WHAT IF. STRENGTH IS A LIE.
TT: You’re not about to tell me that weakness is actually strength, are you? Because I promise you that’s, like, chapter one of every book ever written on power dynamics.
uu: NO. I AM SAYING THAT MAYBE… JuST MAYBE… I HAVE BEEN STRONG FOR SO LONG THAT IT HAS MADE ME WEAK.
TT: Hoo boy.
uu: SO HERE IS MY PLAN. I WILL BECOME WEAK. TO TEST IT. TO SEE IF IT… DOES SOMETHING TO ME.
TT: …Are you asking me for a humiliation kink?
uu: I AM ASKING YOu TO DESTROY ME, STRIDER.
TT: God, I hate that sentence.
uu: NOT IN A DEBAUCHED WAY. IN A THEORETICAL WAY.
TT: Yeah, that didn’t make it better.
uu: STRIDER. I WILL GIVE YOu A CHANCE TO CONCEDE.
TT: That’s generous of you. But I’m fine.
uu: FOOLISH. YOu LOOK LIKE A GHOST OF A DEAD MAN’S WITHERED CORPSE.
TT: And you look like a stop-motion horror film animated by an eldritch entity with no understanding of human motor function.
uu: FLATTERY WILL GET YOu NOWHERE.
TT: Right.
uu: SO?
TT: So what?
uu: SO ARE YOu GOING TO ADMIT DEFEAT OR WHAT?
TT: No.
uu: uGH!!!

- - 02.20.?? – 11:57 PM - -

uu: I HAVE A QuESTION.
TT: That’s ominous.
uu: IT IS INTELLECTUAL. A QuESTION OF PHILOSOPHICAL MERIT.
TT: Hit me.
uu: IF I WERE WEAK. WOuLD IT MAKE ME WANT TO BE RuLED?
TT: Come again?
uu: WOuLD I CRAVE TO BE DOMINANTED LIKE SOME DISGuSTINGLY FRAIL MEAT-SLuG?
TT: Man. You really sat with that thought for a while, huh?
uu: NO.
TT: You definitely did.
uu: SHUT YOuR TRAP. ANSWER THE QuESTION.
TT: Okay, here’s a counter-question: What made you think of this?
uu: NO REASON.
TT: No reason.
uu: YES. A COMPLETELY RANDOM THOuGHT.
TT: Uh-huh.
uu: ANSWER IT.
TT: I mean, the fact that you’re asking probably means you already know what you don’t want to be true.
uu: TCH.
TT: But yeah. That’s kind of how it works. You build up this big idea of strength in your head, this iron-fisted, unstoppable power, but it’s not real.
TT: Because the moment you lose—even just once—you start thinking, “Well, maybe it was never real in the first place.” And then you spiral. Because you’ve built your whole sense of self on something that should be unshakable. But now it’s shaking.
TT: So yeah. If you think being weak means wanting to be ruled, you’re gonna be terrified of anything that might make you feel weak. Because in your mind, it’s all connected.
uu: YOu ARE TRYING TO PSYCHOLOGISE ME.
TT: I don’t have to. You’re doing it to yourself.
uu: AGHHH!!!
TT: Yeah, yeah. I’m full of shit. Ignore me.
uu: OBVIOuSLY I WILL.
uu: OH AND. I HAVE CONDuCTED AN EXPERIMENT.
TT: Oh no.
uu: I DECIDED TO BE WEAK.
TT: Uh-huh.
uu: I DID NOT LIKE IT.
TT: Wow. Shocking result. Truly unprecedented.
TT: Did you, like, fall to your knees and wait for someone to seize control of your life? How’d that work out for you?
uu: NO. I TRIED TO DO SOMETHING SMALL. SOMETHING PATHETIC. SOMETHING A CRETIN WOuLD DO.
TT: And?
uu: I THREW A PuRPOSELY WEAK PuNCH AT A WALL.
TT: …
TT: That’s it? That was your grand test of fragility?
uu: YES. AND IT WAS uNSATISFYING.
TT: You don’t say.
uu: IT DID NOT GIVE ME A NEWFOUND DESIRE TO BOW BEFORE A STRONGER FORCE. IT JuST MADE ME WANT TO PuNCH THE WALL HARDER.
TT: So your big revelation is that you’re too aggressive to submit to anything?
uu: CORRECT. I AM A BEAST WHO CANNOT BE TAMED. A FORCE uNTO HIMSELF.
TT: And yet.
uu: AND YET WHAT?
TT: You’re still talking to me about it.
uu: BECAuSE IT IS IMPORTANT.
TT: Right. Not because it’s still eating at you or anything.
uu: LIES. I HAVE ALREADY DISMISSED IT. I AM STRONG.
TT: If you say it enough times, maybe it’ll be true.
uu: SHuT uP.

- - 02.21.?? – 3:27 AM - -

uu: STRIDER. WHAT IS THE STRONGEST THING YOu HAVE EVER DONE?
TT: You want a list?
uu: NO. ONE MOMENT. THE MOST TRuLY INSuRMOuNTABLE DISPLAY OF POWER YOu HAVE EVER ACCOMPLISHED.
TT: Man, you’re really putting me on the spot here.
uu: YOu HAVE FIVE SECONDS BEFORE I ASSuME YOu HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING IMPRESSIVE IN YOuR LIFE.
TT: Alright, alright. There was this one time I snapped a skateboard in half with my hands.
uu: …
uu: …LIKE A WILD ANIMAL?
TT: I guess?
uu: WHAT THE FuCK.
TT: Is that admiration?
uu: SHuT uP. TELL ME MORE.
TT: It wasn’t that big of a deal. It was already cracked, and I was pissed, so I just grabbed both ends and went for it.
uu: AND IT WORKED???
TT: Yeah.
uu: GOD. THAT IS METAL AS FuCK.
TT: Thanks, I guess.
uu: YOu HAVE TRuE POWER IN YOuR BONES, STRIDER.
TT: Bold of you to assume I have bones.
uu: I WILL IGNORE THAT STuPID JOKE BECAuSE I AM TOO IMPRESSED.
TT: Good to know I’ve earned your respect through mindless destruction.
uu: YOu HAVE EARNED IT THROUGH uNQuESTIONABLE MIGHT.
TT: Right. Totally different thing.
uu: DIRK AND JUST WHEN I DID NOT THINK YOu HAD IT IN YOu TO BECOME MORE OF A DREAMBOAT.
TT: Wait what?
uu: I WILL REMEMBER THIS.
uu: MAYHAPS SCREENSHOT IT FOR “POSTERITY”
TT: Did you just quote me?

- - 02.21.?? – 5:13 AM - -

uu: STRIDER.
TT: What now?
uu: I HAVE DONE ANOTHER EXPERIMENT.
TT: This better not involve blunt force trauma again.
uu: IT DEPENDS ON HOW YOu DEFINE TRAuMA.
TT: Jesus. What did you do?
uu: I POKED MYSELF WITH A KNIFE.
TT: God damn it.
uu: IT WAS FOR SCIENCE.
TT: No, it was for you being an unhinged dumbass.
uu: SAME THING.
TT: And? Did stabbing yourself awaken something inside you?
uu: NO. IT WOKE NOTHING. EXCEPT RAGE. AND A SMALL AMOuNT OF BLOOD.
TT: Right. Because pain isn’t actually profound or transformative, it’s just pain.
uu: YES. BuT NOW I AM MAD AT IT.
TT: At pain?
uu: YES. IT IS OFFENSIVE TO ME.
TT: You’re really just waging war against your own nervous system, huh?
uu: IF I KILL IT, I WIN.
TT: That’s not how that works.
uu: WE WILL SEE.
uu: STRIDER. TELL ME ANOTHER THING YOu HAVE DONE WITH YOuR STRENGTH.
TT: Why?
uu: BECAuSE I FIND IT FuCKING COOL. OBVIOuSLY.
TT: Oh, so you admit it.
uu: I ADMIT NOTHING. YOu WILL SIMPLY PROVIDE MORE FACTS.
TT: Alright. There was one time I lifted Jake over my shoulder and carried him up three flights of stairs.
uu: …
uu: HOW.
TT: He sprained his ankle. Was being dramatic about it. So I just picked him up and took him where he needed to go.
uu: LIKE A FuCKING SAVAGE.
TT: I guess.
uu: GOD.
TT: That a good “God” or a bad “God”?
uu: I WILL NOT ELABORATE.
TT: You totally will.
uu: WHY DID YOu HELP HIM.
TT: Because he was hurt?
uu: BuT WHY. HE HAS HIS OWN LEGS.
TT: Yeah, one of them was busted.
uu: SO? THAT IS HIS PROBLEM.
TT: What, you’d just leave a guy behind?
uu: DEPENDS ON THE GuY.
TT: Harsh.
uu: WAS HE… uSELESS IN THIS STATE?
TT: What, Jake? No. He was just in pain.
uu: DID HE GROVEL?
TT: No.
uu: DID HE LOOK AT YOu WITH… WIDE EYES AND TREMBLING LIPS?
TT: …Are you asking if he batted his eyelashes at me while I carried him?
uu: JUST ANSWER THE QuESTION.
TT: No, man. He was just normal about it. Well, normal for Jake.
uu: TCH.
TT: Something wrong?
uu: NO.
TT: Uh-huh.
uu: WHY DID YOu HELP HIM.
TT: I told you. He needed help. I was there. It wasn’t a big deal.
uu: IT SOuNDS LIKE A BIG DEAL.
TT: It wasn’t.
uu: DID HE THANK YOu?
TT: Yeah.
uu: HOW.
TT: …With words?
uu: WAS HE FuCKING BLuSHING OR SOMETHING?
TT: Why does that matter?
uu: IT DOESN’T. I’M JuST ASKING.
TT: You sure?
uu: YOu’RE DEFLECTING.
TT: I really don’t think I am.
uu: SO. DO YOu LIKE HIM OR WHAT.
TT: What?
uu: YOu HEARD ME.
TT: That’s a weird question.
uu: NO IT ISN’T. IT IS COMPLETELY LOGICAL. A FIERCE WARRIOR CARRIES ANOTHER TO SAFETY. THAT IS A TROPE. A… A THING THAT HAPPENS IN ROMANCE NOVELS.
TT: You read romance novels?
uu: SHuT uP. ANSWER.
TT: Look, I like Jake. He’s my friend.
uu: HAH.
TT: But if you’re asking if I like like him, I dunno.
uu: HAH! YOu ARE HOPELESS.
TT: Uh-huh.
uu: TRuLY A WRETCHED LITTLE WORM.
TT: What’s got you all worked up about this?
uu: NOTHING.
TT: You sure?
uu: YES. I DON’T CARE. AT ALL.
TT: Okay.
uu: …
uu: DID HE HOLD ONTO YOu.
TT: Jesus, man.
uu: I AM CuRIOUS.
TT: Yeah, he held onto me. That’s kind of what people do when they’re being carried.
uu: TCH.
TT: You good?
uu: I AM PERFECTLY FINE. I SIMPLY THINK IT IS… STuPID.
TT: Right. Totally not jealous.
uu: FuCK YOu.
TT: You wound me.
uu: WHATEVER. IF I EVER SPRAIN MY ANKLE, DO NOT CARRY ME.
TT: Alright.
uu: uNLESS I COMMAND YOu TO.
TT: Got it.
uu: BuT I NEVER WILL.
TT: Sure.
uu: GOOD.
uu: I HAVE DONE SOME REFLECTION.
TT: Oh boy.
uu: AND I HAVE CONCLuDED THAT THIS JAKE PERSON. IS A BITCH.
TT: Wow.
uu: LIKE. A TOTAL, uTMOST, PuRE-BREED, INCONTROVERTIBLE, WHIMPERING LITTLE MEWLING BITCH.
TT: Strong opinion for a guy you’ve never met.
uu: I DON’T NEED TO MEET HIM. I HAVE ASSESSED HIS VIBRATIONS. AND HIS VIBRATIONS ARE THAT OF A DELICATE LITTLE FLOWER WITH A SHIT-EATING GRIN.
TT: His vibrations.
uu: YES. I HAVE DECIPHERED HIS FuCKING ESSENCE THROuGH THE STORY YOu JuST TOLD. AND IT PAINTS THE PICTURE OF A BOY. A BOY.
TT: That would be because he is, in fact, a boy.
uu: NO. NOT LIKE THAT. HE IS A BOY. LIKE A LITTLE BABY BOY. A SMALL, PuNY, MEAT-SACK OF INSuFFERABLE CuCKOLD ENERGY.
TT: Jesus Christ.
uu: HE ALLOWED YOu TO CARRY HIM. HE ALLOWED HIMSELF TO BE… SCOOPED. LIKE SOME KIND OF HELPLESS INFANT. LIKE A DAMSEL IN A TRASHY PAPERBACK NOVEL. THAT IS FuCKING EMBARRASSING.
TT: He was injured.
uu: SO WHAT. IF I WERE INJuRED I WOuLD CRAWL. I WOuLD DRAG MYSELF BY MY TEETH BEFORE I EVER LET ANOTHER MAN LIFT ME LIKE SOME KIND OF DOCILE BRIDE.
TT: Cool. You do that.
uu: AND THE FACT THAT HE THANKED YOu? FuCKING PuKE-WORTHY. A MAN DOES NOT THANK ANOTHER MAN FOR HIS PuPPY-LIKE DEVOTION. HE ASSERTS HIS DOMINANCE EVEN IN MOMENTS OF WEAKNESS. HE BITES THE HAND THAT FEEDS HIM.
TT: So what, you think he should’ve decked me in the face after I helped him?
uu: MAYBE. THAT WOuLD HAVE BEEN LESS PATHETIC.
TT: Alright, first off, you have no idea what you’re talking about.
uu: FuCK YOu, I AM A GENIuS.
TT: No, you’re an idiot who’s never had an actual human relationship before.
uu: AND YET I STILL KNOW THAT JAKE ENGLISH IS A WET LITTLE GREMLIN OF A BOY WHO WOulD GLADLY THROW HIMSELF INTO A GROWN MAN’S ARMS IF IT MEANT GETTING HIS FuCKING BELLY SCRATCHED.
TT: You’re working with a lot of assumptions here, buddy.
uu: AM I WRONG?
TT: Yeah, actually. Jake’s one of the toughest guys I know.
uu: HAH!
TT: No, seriously. He’s strong as hell. We used to spar all the time. He’s scrappy, he’s quick, he can take a hit and keep going.
uu: AND YET HE LET YOu PLAY FuCKING PRINCESS CARRIAGE WITH HIM.
TT: You’re real hung up on that detail, huh?
uu: IT IS FuCKING INCRIMINATING.
TT: What, you think just because a guy isn’t doing some hyper-macho caveman shit 24/7, he’s weak?
uu: YES.
TT: That’s stupid.
uu: NO IT ISN’T.
TT: Strength is whatever keeps you going. If you think isolating yourself is the key to being powerful, you’re setting yourself up to break.
TT: Being independent is great and all, but being completely unwilling to rely on anyone just makes you an insecure mess.
uu: I AM NOT INSECuRE.
TT: Never said you were.
uu: GOOD. BECAuSE I AM NOT.
TT: Sure.
uu: I JuST THINK THAT IT’S FuCKING WEIRD. A FuLL-GROWN MAN BEING ALL… SOFT.
TT: What, because he has emotions?
uu: YES!
TT: That’s how being a person works.
uu: FuCK THAT. I DO NOT LIKE IT. I DO NOT TruST IT.
TT: Sounds like a you problem.
uu: I JuST THINK IT IS… WHAT IS THE WORD.
TT: I’m scared to ask.
uu: HOMOEROTIC.
TT:
TT: Oh my god.
uu: WH—
TT: Oh my fucking god.
uu: WHAT.
TT: You’re jealous.
uu: FuCK YOu.
TT: No, no, this is incredible. You’re actually jealous.
uu: I AM NOT.
TT: You’re frothing at the mouth because I carried a guy once.
uu: BECAuSE IT IS uNBELIEVABLY uNMANLY.
TT: Because you wish it were you.
uu: SHuT THE FuCK uP.
TT: You do. That’s why you keep bringing it up. You’re mad that I carried him and not you.
uu: FuCK OFF.
TT: Admit it.
uu: NEVER.
TT: Say it.
uu: YOu WILL HAVE TO PuT ME IN THE GROUND BEFORE I DO.
TT: Alright. Guess I’ll just have to carry you there.
uu: I WILL KILL YOu.
TT: You wish.
uu: RAGHHHHHH!!!

- - 02.22.?? – 3:07AM - -

uu: STRIDER. I HAVE CONSIDERED SOMETHING OF GREAT IMPORTANCE.
TT: That’s dangerous.
uu: THIS IS SERIOUS.
uu: WHEN I WIN THIS CONTEST—AND I WILL WIN—I WILL DEMAND PRIZE.
TT: Oh, we’re adding stakes now? Alright. Lay it on me.
uu: YOu WILL COME AND MEET ME IN THE FLESH.
TT: Huh.
uu: DO NOT “HuH” ME. I AM BEING GRACIOuS. IT IS A GREAT HONOR TO STAND BEFORE ME IN THE MEAT REALM.
TT: Yeah, I’m sure it is.
uu: YOu MAY EVEN BOW. IN RECOGNITION OF MY GLORIOuS VICTORY.
TT: Mm, not happening.
uu: YOu ARE NO FuN.
TT: Oh, I’m fun. Just not in a ‘worship at your feet’ kind of way.
uu: uGH. FINE. BuT YOu WILL COME.
TT: Yeah. I think I would.
uu: GOOD. BECAuSE I HAVE MADE PLANS.
TT: Plans?
uu: YES. LIKE WHAT WE WILL DO WHEN YOu ARE HERE.
TT: You really thought about it, huh?
uu: OF COuRSE. I WILL NOT ALLOW uS TO SIT IDLE LIKE uSELESS LUMPS. WE WILL ENGAGE IN MANY TRIALS OF SKILL AND STRENGTH.
TT: Naturally.
uu: FIRST, A TEST OF COMBAT. WE WILL FIND A PLACE TO SPAR. I WILL DESTROY YOu WITH MY BARE HAND.
TT: Bold of you to assume.
uu: NOT AN ASSuMPTION. A FACT.
TT: Sure, man.
uu: AFTER YOu RECOVER FROM YOuR LOSS, THERE WILL BE TESTS OF ENDuRANCE. PERHAPS CLIMBING A TOWER. OR A VOLCANO.
TT: A volcano?
uu: YES.
TT: Hate to break it to you, but there are no volcanoes where I live.
uu: uGH. PATHETIC. FINE. THEN A MOUNTAIN. OR A BRIDGE WITH A VERY HIGH DROP.
TT: You sure this isn’t just an elaborate plan to get me killed?
uu: IF I WANTED YOu DEAD, STRIDER, YOu WOuLD KNOW. I AM NOT A COWARD.
TT: Fair point.
uu: AND THEN, WHEN THE TESTS OF STRENGTH ARE DONE… WE WILL…
TT: Yeah?
uu: I DUNNO. DO NORMAL THINGS, I SuPPOSE.
TT: Oh? Normal things? From you?
uu: SHuT uP.
uu: LIKE. uH. MOVIES. OR SOMETHING.
TT: You wanna watch a movie with me?
uu: NO. I WANT TO TEST THE STRENGTH OF MY MIND AGAINST THE MOST TAXING OF CINEMATIC EXPERIENCES.
TT: So you want to watch a movie with me.
uu: uGH. YES.
TT: That’s cute.
uu: DISGUSTING. I AM NOT SO WEAK AS TO BE MOVED BY YOuR FOOLISH HUMAN CHARMS.
TT: Uh-huh. So what else? After the movie?
uu: I DON’T KNOW. MAYBE EAT SOMETHING. THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE DO, RIGHT? EAT. TOGETHER. LIKE PRIMITIVE ANIMALS.
TT: Yeah. We do that.
uu: GOOD. THEN WE WILL DO IT.
TT: Just letting you know, I’m taking you somewhere with actual food. None of that sugary shit you probably survive on.
uu: YOu CANNOT CHANGE MY DIET. I AM A MACHINE OF EFFICIENCY.
TT: Dude. Let me introduce you to the concept of savory.
uu: SAVORY IS uNNECESSARY.
TT: I am forcing you to experience good food. It’s happening.
uu: uGH. FINE. BuT ONLY BECAUSE THIS IS A TEST OF MY RESOLVE.
TT: So. When’s this happening?
uu: WHEN I WIN.
TT: And if you lose?
uu: I WON’T.
TT: But if you do?
uu: THEN. uH. I SuPPOSE YOu COuLD COME ANYWAY.
TT: …Oh?
uu: BuT ONLY BECAuSE IT WOuLD BE PITY. A WRETCHED LOSER LIKE YOu WOuLD NEED SOME KIND OF CONSOLATION.
TT: Right. That’s the reason.
uu: YES.
TT: You’re bad at lying.
uu: STRIDER, IF YOu DO NOT SHuT uP, I WILL END YOu BEFORE WE EVER MEET.
TT: Yeah, yeah. Looking forward to it, man.
uu: ME TOO.

A few hours later, Calliope finally has enough of watching her brother actively destroy their body and messages Dirk to intervene. But for a moment, they were just two dumb idiots making dumb plans, and that was kind of nice.

Chapter Text

Calliope: now then, caliborn, if you could refrain from commentary—
Calliope: roxy and i are sharing poetry today, not trading barbs.
Calliope: and please—no references to genetics. i’m serious.

Roxy’s cam clicks on. She’s upside down, lounging on her bed, hair cascading off the edge like she’s gravity’s guest, not its tenant. You melt. Caliborn snarls.

Roxy: hiiii babegore
Roxy: lookin like a victorian ghost who hacked my heart and my wifi~
Calliope: oh! roxy… you’re terribly sweet~
Calliope: but let’s not forget, this is not a private line.
Calliope: caliborn is here. and he can hear everything.
Calliope: unfortunately.
Roxy: oh hey cal
Roxy: love the aesthetic btw
Roxy: kind of a haunted ventriloquist dummy fused to my gf
Roxy: tres burtonesque. very “dinner and dread.”
Calliope: he’s glaring at you.
Roxy: excellent
Roxy: anyway
Roxy: babe
Roxy: i wrote you something. you ready??
Calliope: oh! i—I believe so, yes.
Roxy: roxy: roses are pink
Roxy: roxy: violets are glitching
Roxy: roxy: your soul is a cryptid
Roxy: roxy: and your mouth is bewitching
Calliope: oh my stars—roxy!!
Calliope: that is entirely inappropriate!!
Calliope: and… devastatingly charming.
Roxy: oh i got bars, boo
Roxy: stanza two compares your clavicle to a crescent moon
Calliope: you’re going to make me combust on camera
Roxy: hotttttttttttttttt
Roxy: with sixteen t’s

A scraping noise. Caliborn’s eye warps into frame imagine a cursed jpeg in 240p.

Caliborn: WHAT. IS. THIS.
Caliborn: WHAT IN THE NAME OF DERANGED FANFICTION AM I BEING FORCED TO ENDURE.
Caliborn: IS THIS.
Caliborn: A MATING RITUAL.
Caliborn: IS THIS FOREPLAY.
Caliborn: BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE I’M WATCHING TWO MUTANTS MAKE OUT IN THE WADING POOL OF OUR SHARED DNA.
Roxy: awwww, lil guy
Roxy: someone’s jealous
Roxy: don’t worry, cal. your face is still extremely punchable
Caliborn: DIRK HAS NEVER SPOKEN TO ME LIKE THIS.
Caliborn: NOT ONCE HAS HE REFERRED TO MY BONES AS “CELESTIAL.”
Caliborn: HE HAS NEVER IMPLIED THAT MY TOOTH-ARRAY IS “ENTHRALLING.”
Caliborn: DOES THAT MEAN HE IS NOT ATTRACTED TO ME??
Calliope: caliborn, for heaven’s sake
Calliope: this isn’t about dirk
Calliope: roxy is my partner. not yours.
Calliope: and really, the mortification is part of the fun~
Roxy: no lie
Roxy: babe i write most of this stuff knowing cal’s gonna be in the corner fuming like a goblin in a crockpot
Roxy: sry cal
Roxy: this is both a date and a family group project
Roxy: you just gotta sit there while your sister gets adored like a cursed renaissance painting
Caliborn: THIS IS DEPRAVED.
Caliborn: AND I LOATHE IT.
Caliborn: WHY DOES DIRK NOT DO THIS WITH ME.
Caliborn: IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME.
Caliborn: AM I TOO INNOCENT.
Caliborn: OR PERHAPS TOO CONCEPTUAL.
Caliborn: AM I BEING WRITTEN OUT OF THE SEXY ARC BECAUSE I AM A NARRATIVE CANCER WITH A BAD ATTITUDE.
Calliope: right. that’s quite enough.
Calliope: roxy, dearest, i’ll send you the rest of my poem privately.
Calliope: caliborn has reached critical cringe mass.
Calliope: i love you~
Roxy: love u too, cryptkeeper cutie
Roxy: tell cal not to explode into a cloud of rejection glitter

The screen cuts to black. The call ends. You shut the laptop. You’re in the place you share with him. No light. Just stillness.

He is silent.

You think that means peace.

Then—

Caliborn: …IF I WROTE DIRK A SONNET, DO YOU THINK HE WOULD ACKNOWLEDGE ME.
Caliborn: OR WOULD HE BLOCK ME FOR “BOUNDARIES.”
Caliborn: WHAT IF I USED A PSEUDONYM.
Caliborn: “MISTER PAINLOVE.”
Caliborn: WOULD THAT BE TOO SUBTLE.

- - And thus with an eye-roll from Calliope, unwarranted consent to write the world’d best sonnet was granted - -

UU: DIRK.
UU: I HAVE WRITTEN YOu A SONNET.
UU: IT IS SO BRIMMING WITH LuST AND RAGE, IT MAY ACTuALLY CAuSE YOuR MONITOR TO BECOME PREGNANT.
TT: No promises, but I’ll try not to impregnate any screens until you’re done.
UU: GOOD.
UU: NOW.
UU: AHEM.
UU: YOu SHOuLD BE CARVED FROM SPLINTERS, SHARP AND CRuEL,
UU: A BLADE THAT BIRTHS DESIRE FROM DECAY.
UU: YOuR MOuTH SPEAKS WORDS THAT MAKE THE COSMOS DROOL.
UU: YOu BuRN IN SILENCE. I COMBuST ALL DAY.
UU: WILL MEMORIZE YOuR SCARS LIKE ANCIENT MAPS—
UU: AND THEN TRACE THEM… WITH MY TONGuE, SLOW AND VILE.
UU: DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR A FOOL WHO NAPS;
UU: I DREAM IN TORMENT, SCREAMING ALL THE WHILE.
UU: YOu DO THINGS TO MY BOWELS. DO YOu KNOW?
UU: THEY CLENCH JuST THINKING OF YOu, DIRK THE BLADE.
UU: I SPIT uP HEARTS. I COFF UP BLOOD LIKE SNOW.
UU: THIS IS HOW MY LONGING GETS DISPLAYED.
UU: SO LET ME BE YOuR WAR CRIME, HOT AND LOuD.
UU: KISS ME, AND I’LL MAKE REJECTION FEEL PROuD.
TT: Cal…
TT: That’s…
TT: That’s actually really hot.
UU: HELL YES.
UU: SAY IT AGAIN.
UU: SAY THE PART WHERE YOU LIKE MY TONGUE.
TT: I’m not repeating the tongue line.
TT: I have a rep to maintain.
TT: But for the record: my body is a vault of sensations.
TT: And apparently your digestion wants a VIP pass.
UU: DO YOU MEAN THAT.
TT: I mean I’ve been rereading this sonnet for five minutes, and my hands haven’t moved from my face.
TT: That’s not not attraction.
UU: I HAVE ONE QuESTION.
UU: AND YOu MuST ANSWER IT TRuTHFULLY.
TT: Sure.
UU: WHEN YOu THINK OF ME
UU: DO YOu…
UU: ACCOuNT FOR MY TWIN.
UU: LIKE DO YOu INCLuDE HER IN YOuR IMAGINING.
UU: OR DO YOu JuST KIND OF “CROP HER OuT” WITH YOuR MIND.
TT: I mean. She’s there.
TT: It’s part of the package deal.
TT: Not something I ignore.
TT: But not like a third-wheel vibe either.
TT: More like… spiritual ambiance.
TT: Like a calm moon tethered to a very loud meat meteor.
UU: HMPH
TT: I don’t just tolerate it. I accept it.
TT: I’m not here in spite of the twin thing.
TT: I’m here with it.
TT: Because whatever the hell this is between us… it wouldn’t be the same without the weird metaphysical twin horror backdrop.
TT: You’re awful.
TT: But I like you.
UU: YOU—
UU: WAIT.
UU: FUCK.

The file which is sent is titled “HYPOTHETICAL_SCENARIO.jpg” it is uploaded. It is a hand-drawn diagram. Two stick figures are labeled “ME” and “YOU.” The “ME” figure is scribbled over with red flames. A much smaller stick figure labeled “SISTER (PASSIVE MODE)” is drawn clinging to the back like a sad barnacle.

UU: THIS IS HOW I IMAGINE uS.
TT: As a bunch of scribbles?
UU: NO LOOK CLOSER IDIOT!
UU: SHE’S ALWAYS THERE.
UU: BuT MAYBE THAT’S FINE.
UU: MAYBE IT WORKS.
UU: MAYBE I DON’T HAVE TO BE A WHOLE PERSON TO BE WANTED.
TT: Cal.
TT: I like you.
TT: For real. Not ironically. Not performatively.
TT: I’m not trying to fix you.
TT: I’m just trying to like you where you’re at.
TT: Weird anatomy, flaming ego, mutual digestive fixation and all.
UU: I THINK MY HEART JUST MADE A NOISE.
UU: I LIKED IT’S MUSIC
TT: Sounds about right.
UU: SO.
UU: YOu LIKE ME.
UU: STILL.
TT: Yeah.
TT: That didn’t change in the last two minutes.
UU: YOu KNOW I AM A CONJOINED TWIN.
UU: YOu KNOW SHE IS INERT RIGHT NOW.
UU: YOu KNOW I AM SPEAKING TO YOu FROM A SHARED SOuL POD LIKE A TALKING BOIL ON A DREAM TORSO.
UU: AND STILL.
TT: Cal.
TT: I want to climb into the unlit space between you and your sister and live there.
TT: I want to be the third wheel on the ghost train that is your entire mythological being.
TT: I want to be the reason you lose sleep and the reason Calliope side-eyes the astral plane when she wakes up.
UU: WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING.
UU: GIVE UP ON SEDuCING ME HARDER.
TT: I’m being honest with you.
TT: You want honesty, right?
UU: I CAN.
UU: I’M JUST…
UU: TAKING A MOMENT TO PROCESS THAT SOMEONE LIKES ME IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING.
TT: It’s not in spite of everything.
TT: I’ve seen all of it.
TT: The rants. The weird art. The rage.
TT: The part where you monologue like a Bond villain because you don’t TT: know how to ask someone if they want to hang out.
TT: The twin thing.
TT: I still like you.
UU: WHAT THE FuCK IS WRONG WITH YOu.
TT: I don’t know.
TT: Maybe I’m just wired to love unfixable shit.
TT: When I liked Jake
TT: I used to think he’d fix something in me if I got close enough.
TT: Like I could sit beside him and absorb whatever light he had, and it’d cancel out my weird.
TT: That didn’t happen.
TT: I just got better at pretending I wasn’t starving.
TT: You’re not Jake.
TT: You’re not some golden retriever fantasy I built a shrine to.
TT: You’re mean. You’re unstable. You’re hard to talk to.
TT: But you never lie to me.
TT: And when you like something, you mean it.
TT: That’s rarer than people think.
UU: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
TT: You don’t have to say anything.
UU: OF COuRSE I DO.
UU: YOu JuST TOLD ME YOu LIKE ME.
UU: LIKE. THAT.
TT: Yeah.
TT: I meant it.
UU: BuT LOOK AT ME.
UU: I DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE A WHOLE PERSON.
UU: LET ALONE A PERSON WHO LIKES ANOTHER PERSON.
UU: WHO’S A DuDE.
UU: WHO SEES ME.
UU: DO YOu GET OFF ON FIXING PEOPLE??
UU: ON TOuCHING SHIT THAT NO ONE ELSE WILL TOuCH??
TT: Stop.
UU: NO. TELL ME.
UU: ARE YOu TRYING TO DATE A TROPHY DISASTER??
UU: DO YOu LIKE FEELING SuPERIOR??
TT: Stop.
UU: ONE MINuTE YOu’RE SAYING YOu LIKE ME AND THE NEXT YOU’RE UU: COMPARING ME TO JAKE FuCKING ENGLISH
UU: WHO I HATE.
UU: WHO I HATE.
UU: WHO I HATE.
TT: I brought up Jake to explain how this is different.
UU: I DON’T WANT TO BE COMPARED TO ANYONE.
UU: I DON’T WANT TO BE AN EXPLANATION.
UU: I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE SO I CAN GO BACK TO YELLING AT WALLS LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.
TT: Cool.
TT: Then go yell.
UU: I WILL.
TT: Great.
UU: . . .
UU: I DONT ACTuALLY WANT TO YELL.
TT: I know.
UU: I JuST
UU: DO THIS.
UU: uGH I AM NOT BEING THE GREATEST RIGHT NOW.
TT: Yeah.
TT: But I still like you.
UU: CAN YOu START OVER.
TT: Sure. We can start over.
UU: OKAY.
UU: ALSO
UU: DONT EVER MENTION JAKE AGAIN.
UU: OR I WILL MAIL YOu A DRAWING OF HIS CORPSE
TT: That’s fair.