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Shadow the Hedgehog had been through a lot; everyone in Mobius knew this much. However, they didn't realize, or even think about, how much it still affected him despite decades having passed since the events on the ARK. No one truly understood that his mind didn't age at all during those years.
As much as his "friends" loved to joke about his brooding, most of the time, it was the only thing that brought him comfort. Wallowing in his depressive state, hiding in the darkness so as not to be hunted by the light. Every little thing reminded him of Maria; disassociating was an easy escape.
Little things, such as the night sky when it was lit up with stars, the bright blue of ocean waves, and even seeing younger girls with blonde hair. He wanted to be able to let go, to be able to accept the fact that she had died, but at this point, it seemed impossible.
Being the ultimate lifeform meant that he was created to be perfect, so making mistakes was never an option. However, looking back, Shadow's entire life felt like a mistake. After that brutal invasion, each action and reaction he made felt incorrect. He was a mistake, not an ultimate anything. If only Gerald had realized that sooner...
He tried so desperately to make it seem like he was a hateful creature, one not to be messed with, a villain. Shadow knew that if anyone got too close, they only ever got hurt. But somehow, upon getting to know Sonic, the blue hedgehog was able to successfully crack him open.
Despite all attempts to get Sonic to give up on him, he never did, making it clear that he never would. Shadow never understood this, and often told his cobalt counterpart that he should give up. That was the moment Sonic fell in love with him, simply because he was destined to be challenged like this.
To everyone's surprise, Sonic's confession was the one thing Shadow didn't refuse or go against. But then again, no one else knew who Shadow was besides an "edgy, egotistical asshole." He had all the love in the world to give, yet no one to give it to.
And even though the blue hedgehog had gotten him to open up a lot, there was still so much that his boyfriend hid. One was the fact that he suffered from gruesome nightmares, ones that replayed his last moments on the ARK.
He'd wake up in a cold sweat, trembling from the dream, and tears immediately streaming down his cheeks. Rather than ask for comfort from the one lying next to him in bed, he would lock himself in the bathroom and suffer all alone. There were some things he'd rather not have his partner see.
It was another one of those nights, except tonight was especially distressing. He and Sonic had a long day, and Shadow wanted nothing more than to get a good night's sleep. Of course, this would be interrupted by the image of Maria's smiling face.
That image would've only been mildly upsetting for Shadow if it wasn't disturbed by the invasion of G.U.N agents running to take him away. This is how it always begins, and it continues with him, Maria, and Gerald running from them, traversing amongst the ARK to escape.
Then, as always, that one agent shoots Maria, and all hell breaks loose. But instead of waking up, the nightmare continued with Gerald turning to Shadow and giving him a severely disappointed look.
While this change in the dream seemed mundane, Shadow cared for Gerald almost as much as he did for Maria. That was his creator, his father. Failing to do the one thing he was made to do... in front of the man who charged him with that task? It was fatal to the ebony hedgehog's already disheveled mental state.
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"I created you to protect my granddaughter and eventually cure her... yet here we are, standing in front of her dead body." He scoffed, "Who do you think you are?"
Shadow began to cry, "I didn't mean for this to happen!!! No one did— Gerald, I would've taken the bullet if I—"
"Why didn't you?!" The professor kicked the hedgehog, "Worthless." He began walking away, letting the G.U.N agents take him.
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The nightmare faded to black, leading Shadow to spring out of bed. He held his chest as it rapidly wavered up and down before using all of the energy he had left in his body to sprint into the bathroom.
Locking the door behind him, he sat down on the tile floor and began sobbing loudly, "Maria...I'm so sorry...I'm so sorry..." He mumbled repeatedly, head tucked into his knees.
Shadow was convulsing worse than he ever had been in the past, hitting himself in the head as he wished for the mental pains to wash themselves away. The force with which he used to hit himself was strong enough to leave him bleeding, spots of crimson liquid splattering onto his hands as well as the floor. This didn't stop him from continuing to do it, though.
"I should've never complained when you dressed me up in frilly clothes... or held me captive in your arms for hours." The ebony hedgehog cried, "I should've kept all of the hair clips and sticker books... brought them here with me..." Shadow lamented, trying to rip out some of his quills.
In the blink of an eye, his sadness turned to rage as he ripped the shower curtain off of the rod that held it up, discarding it to the floor. He then threw a shampoo bottle, which broke the mirror. Hundreds of small, some even microscopic, pieces fell into the sink and on the ground.
Even though he knew that would happen, he flinched, stepping back as he stared at his blood-stained hands. Shadow bit the inside of his cheek hard... and then once again, even harder. He wanted nothing more than to be dead, but there was still so much more he had to offer the world. To offer Maria (in spirit.)
Usually, he'd be able to calm himself at this point, but crying and getting violent wasn't working. His breath was still oscillating, tears rushing down his already damp cheeks like a flowing river. There was only one more solution to this that Shadow could think of.
Despite being such a young girl, Maria was full of life lessons and profound knowledge, which she passed along to her hedgehog companion. Sometimes, it was good for him to look back on those moments for comfort and guidance. He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and bringing himself back to one of those days.
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"Shadow! You're doing so well on this assignment; I'm so proud of you!" Maria beamed, already having finished her worksheet for the day.
He scoffed, "Of course I did. This would be easy for a child even younger than you..."
She frowned, "You don't have to be mean. Don't be so clever you forget to be kind, Shadow... that hurt my feelings."
"I..." He hadn't necessarily realized that he was being unkind, "I apologize, Maria." The ebony hedgehog looked away, embarrassed.
"It's okay, but I still meant what I said." She grabbed his gloved hands, "And it goes the other way, too. Never be so kind you forget to be clever. Don't be afraid to let people in... but don't let them hurt you, either. One of the nurses here told me that. It was something she learned on Earth." Maria explained, smiling brightly.
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Shadow's eyes shot back open as he screamed bloody murder, falling back onto the tile and sobbing in the fetal position. Of course, he should've known thinking about her more would've made his meltdown worse. He held his pounding head in his hands, shards from the mirror now inserting themselves into the left side of his body.
"Oh, Maria... I'm so sorry... I can't believe you ever had faith in me..." He muttered between sobs, screaming once more.
Suddenly, the bathroom door's knob was twisting and turning rather aggressively. Shit, Shadow thought, Sonic woke up. He sat up and tried to scoop the glass shards into his hands, attempting to cry a bit quieter now. But before he could get them into the trash can, his cobalt partner had already kicked down the door.
The woosh of the door opening was enough to make Shadow flinch, the shards in his hands falling back onto the ground. His eyes went wide as he stared at his boyfriend, shaking as he backed himself into the corner. This was an all-time low.
Sonic was just as shocked, but even more so worried for his partner. He was left speechless for a good minute, which was something that never happened, especially when he was around Shadow alone. Even though he had just woken up, he was completely awake now.
"Shadow...I... what's— I— what did you..." He blinked a few times, trying to compose himself as he looked around at the condition of their bathroom, "What's going on...?" He asked.
Shadow held his tongue, quite literally biting down on it to prevent himself from pouring out his feelings onto Sonic. However, he could only hold himself back in such a state for so long. It only took a few more seconds of silence before his partner's emerald green gaze broke him.
"IhadanightmareandIfreakedoutbecauseitwasdifferenthanalltheonesI'vehadbeforeandIcan'tcalmdownandIjustwannadieand—" The ebony hedgehog was speaking a mile a minute, taking large and deep breaths every couple of words just to get it all out.
However, Sonic cut him off before he could continue, "Shads, can you stand up for me?" He asked, his tone gentle and soothing.
Shadow stood up, holding onto the side of the counter for support. Sonic opened up his arms, signaling a hug, which Shadow ran to accept. He hated being this vulnerable, but he also knew that he needed some sort of comfort before he seriously hurt himself.
His boyfriend held him as close and tight as possible, rubbing his back and running his fingers through Shadow's highlighted quills. Shadow cried over his shoulder, whimpering and sobbing in Sonic's warm embrace. He held him there for about ten minutes, which was the amount of time it took for Shadow to calm down.
Sonic escorted his partner out of the room, cleaning up the glass shards from the mirror off of the floor. And, of course, he didn't notice until afterward that Shadow had been hurt by both the shards and his own hands. They went back into the bathroom so he could get cleaned up.
"Are you okay to explain what happened, Shads?" Sonic asked once again as he picked shards out of his boyfriend's leg.
He took a deep breath, averting his gaze, "I had a nightmare."
"I'm...gonna need every detail, babe."
Shadow groaned, "I've been having nightmares for years. Every time, it ends in me waking up and having a panic attack. This one was just...worse." He told him, "I thought I'd be able to calm down, but... it went to shit rather quickly, and I just... I couldn't." He explained.
"Shadow." Sonic looked up at him, "This is serious, and I'm not mad, but...you can't be vague like this. What are the nightmares like?"
He began tapping his fingers against his thumb, "The ARK. Maria...getting shot. They usually end there, but... this one ended with the Professor yelling at me, and I... it hurt. I felt like...my whole life I...haven't been honoring her and... she'd be disappointed in who I am today." Shadow responded, fighting back another wave of tears as he did so.
"I'm sorry, lovey...that must be really hard. But I promise you, she'd be insanely proud of who you are today. You've come so far and have done so many amazing things for the world." Sonic assured him, "What died didn't stay dead, Shads."
A few tears streamed down Shadow's cheeks, "If I didn't know better, I'd think she was still around. But I do know better. She only lives inside my head."
"That's the last of the glass..." The cobalt hedgehog mumbled, "You're still mourning, babe. There's nothing wrong with that, especially with a past like yours. It only becomes a problem when you don't let anyone help you through it."
He leaned his head back against the wall, "It's so hard. I feel like a fucking burden, Sonic." Shadow admitted.
"You aren't a burden. I love you, and if I can't handle being woken up in the middle of the night to help you, then I have no right to call myself your boyfriend." Sonic grabbed his partner's hands, holding them gently.
Shadow whimpered, "What about when it's every night, then?!" He exclaimed.
"I would do it every night for the rest of my life if it meant helping you. " He squeezed his boyfriend's hands, looking up at him with a loving gaze.
The first thing Shadow noticed about Sonic when they had first met, besides the fact they looked rather similar, was his beautiful eyes. He could've gotten lost in them in that very moment, and to this day, he still does.
Shadow smiled, his face flushing ever so slightly, "I love you too, Sonic. Thank you, and...I'm sorry for not telling you about this sooner."
"It's okay. Just tell me every other time it happens, okay? Let's get back to bed." He said, planting a kiss on his partner's cheek before carrying him back to their bedroom bridal-style.
This would typically cause Shadow to groan or roll his eyes as he fought being treated like a princess, but tonight, he decided it was okay. Plus, he was too exhausted to fight back.
Sonic laid Shadow down on the bed and climbed in next to him, pulling the covers over the both of them. He then turned to his side and gave the ebony hedgehog a dorky smirk, which almost always meant that he wanted to spoon him. Shadow rolled his eyes playfully as he pressed his back against Sonic's chest.
"Do you really think she'd be proud of me?" He whispered.
"Of course, Shads. You're everything she ever wanted you to be."
He smiled, finally closing his eyes. As he attempted to match his boyfriend's breathing, he seemed to pick up on some noise coming from an unknown source. As he listened closer, it sounded like...
"Do you hear that, Sonic?" He asked, but his partner was already sound asleep.
If I didn't know better, Shadow thought, I'd think she was singing to me now...
He shrugged it off, nestling into his lover's arms and drifting off to sleep.