Chapter Text
Entry date: July 16th 07 - Day after Alyssa’s death
Please tell me I’m dreaming Aly. Please come to my house and knock on my door and tell me my dream was stupid. Please come back. I'll do anything. Just walk though my door. I can't do this without you. I need you. You can't be gone. I have to be dreaming. I know I'm dreaming. If you don't walk through my door I'm gonna go look for you because, you can't be gone. What about school? Please wake me up and make me forget my dream and tell me we need to save money for that shitty car so we can be cool. I can't do this. I have to find you. Please wake be up, soon, now. I can't stop thinking about walking into you room, seeing the bottle on the floor, no life left in your body, and the color drained from your face. You can't be gone. I'm sorry for ever stealing your hair clips and losing them. I'm sorry for ever getting in a fight over a stupid boy in middle school. I'm sorry for not checking my phone to see your messages that night. I'm sorry, I wish I could undo it all and run to your house as fast as my body would let me to hug you and tell you I would always be there before you had time to think about ever being, gone. I'm sorry I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm sorry, please come back.
Entry date: July 20th 07 - Day of funeral
I just came back from the funeral. They dressed you in a really pretty dress & did your makeup light so you didn't look like 'Shrek' when we watched the movie for the first time together and told me to make sure you weren't 'ugly' when it came time. It's kinda impossible to do that y'know? Your always pretty you couldn't look ugly, even if they spray tanned you till you were as orange as that one politician. What's his name? I don't remember. I don't really care. I miss you. I think it's setting in. The realization? I hope not. I still hope your walking to my house right now, to tell me it was just a bad dream and we could rewatch Gilmore girls. I actually hope you give me some time before you start walking over so I can fix the eyeliner and mascara that's streaming down my face and causing my vision to go blurry & change out of these dark clothes. I've been crying and starring at my wall since, everything. I talked to your parents at the funeral. Your mom said she got your favorite flowers for it. White iris's. Or is it just iris? I don't think I said it right. I wish you were here to tell me I'm dumb for not knowing the difference and we could laugh it off. I just wish you were here. I saw Mark there too. He gave me his condolences and it felt, weird. I don't want this feeling of you being gone to settle in. I don't want someone fo apologize that you're, not here. I want you back. I want it to disappear and I wake up at your house forgetting this had ever been and we hang out and go to the mall. Remember that guy you said was cute who worked at Hot Topic? I saw him when I was walking to your house when, it happened. He asked where you were & when I told him I was on my way to meet you, he gave me his number for you. I wish you could've taken it from my hand and screamed as you explained the pros and cons of messaging now or later mesmerized by how a few digits could change everything. I have this feeling in my stomache Aly. I feel, empty but I'm not hungry. I haven't eaten much since you, left. I feel sick but I can't get better. I won't get better ever again. It feels like I'm sinking but, I can't get out. You need to pull me out. I need you. I miss you more than you'll ever know. I want to fall asleep and wake up and get a call from you or have you scare me awake in my room. I want to be able to paint your nails again as we watch a stupid comedy movie on my dvd player in my room. Like that one where this dude switches body's with this girl and she hates it? I don't remember. I don't want to know if it means you'll be back. I want you here. I know I want you back here. I just wish you could answer my questions I can't answer for myself. I don't care if I don't remember my own birthday if it means you'll be back.