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He woke up with a fright, eyes wide and his mouth agape. All he could do, all he could feel.. That grass beneath him, the feeling of his awkwardly warm and sweaty hand intertwined with her cold and icy hand, and the sound of their song in a unison. The words, they never made sense, not to him anyways, but it made sense to her. It looked normal to see in her hand writing. It still lingers in the back of his mind, even after his resurrection. The song she sang, the one they played and wrote together..
It was original, special, nothing would take that away from him. It was all he had left of her.
Breathing heavily, the blonde looks at his partners. They’re tangled up with one another, a mess of limbs and soft snoring. An occasional click once every now and again. Normally Kian could sleep through anything, but after everything, it was difficult. He needed them around so he could settle for a night.
Call it a bad attachment, but if you went through what the three of them did, you’d understand. Rand has his moments too late at night, but he’s loud enough to wake the whole house up with his paranoia, the paranoia that out there, somewhere, it’ll come back and it’ll take those he cares most about away. Rolan had his minutes too. Despite living the way he did as an inhumane being, it was always repressed until just a year ago, and it was a major change for everyone. He, unlike Rand, was quiet; it was only obvious he had a bad night when they woke up in the morning, swaddled up as if he were protecting them from whatever danger there might be. Then with Kian.. he struggled in silence. Out of the three of them, he was meant to be the lighthearted one, but he struggled a lot more than he’d let his boyfriends in on.
He doesn’t tell them that their hands on his body, frail and thin from years of mistreatment (mainly his own fault), it feels like they’re trapping him.
He doesn’t let them in on how he gets scared every time Rolan leans in for a kiss. He always saw her instead. He’s always seen Rebecca Jones. Don’t get him wrong, they’re nothing alike. But bad memories never fade. That thought, that evening. It’s something Kian would never escape. Rolan, like Becky, was a bug. He was one of them. If he kissed him, he could die.
He tries not to make it obvious that he’s scared of their touch, but maybe they already know. How wouldn’t they know? The rockstar tries to stray away from their touch, so maybe they’ve noticed. He could tell. The two have seemed more sparing with their touch and their love, which not too long ago was smothering. Did he hurt or upset them? Even now, looking at them peacefully intertwined with one another, he was left to the side. He was just an afterthought for them, wasn’t he?
The rockstar shudders as he shuffles out from under the blanket, the cool air hitting his bare legs. It’s not like he wore much to sleep, just an old t-shirt and maybe baggy pants if it were cold enough, but generally he never did. Sensory issues and all of that.
After everything that happened, he’s been more receptive to sensory things like smell, taste and touch.
He grunts to himself as he nearly trips over something like a sleeping rock. The surprise washes over him but it’s quick to leave as Kian recognises the feeling. Fur, of a dog. It was Barc, to no surprise. He normally slept down there, waiting for the first of the three to wake up, or like he was some sort of extra protection. The dog would probably protect them more than they would themselves, Rand insisted on it in fact.
He said not to discriminate and underestimate what Barc really could and couldn’t do, even with the dog’s age. Kian and Rolan didn’t argue, but they did have to hold back a laugh.
A fond smile grows as the dog stretches, and eagerly jumps at the rockstar’s legs. Barc is quiet, aside from the panting, as if he were just in from running around outside. His fuzzy head is met by Kian petting it with such care, care that he hasn’t shown to anybody but his partners. It felt like they never returned that favour, though. It’s a constant thought that echoes in his head. That he wasn’t loved, that he would never be loved.
His blue eyes that once lit up at any sight of those he loved, were now teary and dull. He didn’t feel that same joy anymore, and he likely never would ever again. Kian sighs as he fumbled in the dark for something of warmth, quickly draping a jacket over his shoulders. The fabric, it scrawned against the man’s pale body, it was almost irritating and the rockstar swears that he could feel something build up in his throat. Whatever it was, he choked it down, leaving the room as quietly as possible. As he moved to shut the door, a keen came from the lab sitting there. Staring and watching.
The blonde rolled his eyes, leaving the door open so Barc could trail out.
The floor is cold against his bare feet, and it causes him to shudder, but he’d be fine. The hallway light bulb had burst, so he was finding his way to the front door in the dark. It was difficult, but he knew roughly where he was headed. The darkness reminds him of one too many things. It reminds him of her, of all his past lovers. Sneaking to the door in the dark now isn’t a new thing for Kian. Plenty of single night partners that he left in the dark when he woke up.
The door creaks and snaps him out of his thoughts, the cool air hitting him smack dab in the face. Kian cringed, and stepped out, sitting down on the porch of their home. It was cold. Far, far too cold, he wouldn’t be surprised if it were to snow. It was also pretty likely that Rolan wouldn’t be leaving for work, with the roads looking icy it was sure to be a danger. Rolan was cautious about that shit.
Bringing a cig to his mouth and lighting it, the lover can feel himself get pulled into his own thoughts. He’s got a lot to think about in his eyes. He zones out pretty quickly, eyes trained on one spot. The familiar feeling of a nightmare washes over him, and he feels like he’s drowning all over again.
—
A grumble comes from deep in the house, the smallest lover reaching for the other. As his hand fell on a once warm spot, where nobody lay, his eyes fluttered open and he turned the best he could, trying not to disrupt the slumber of the bug clung to his shirt. Rand groans, using his hand to wipe his eyes so he could see clearly. Finding that Kian wasn’t there, a panic started to simmer to life deep down in his chest. It wasn’t unnatural for the blonde to just.. well, vanish, but normally he’d be back within a minute. The paranoia washed over the man’s mind as thoughts of what could’ve happened, realistic or not. What if he was hurt? What if he left?
Nudging his other partner off of him, he huffs, flicking on a lamp. A click comes from Rolan, who curls in on himself at the loss of warmth and the loss of holding onto Rand. The latter just rolled his eyes, and got up to his feet. He’s loud on his feet, and with someone as light sleeping as Rolan, it was sure to wake him up.
“Wh’re are you goin’?” A tired voice asks, a buzzing underlying his voice.
“Kian’s gone somewhere.” He replied, “I don’t know where.”
Rand’s own voice, it’s dripping with paranoia. Rolan can hear it, and he slowly sits up, joints making a popping sound that would normally make Rand feel sick, but something else was on his mind now. Warm hands find their way to the man’s shoulders, kneading and rubbing them gently in a reassuring and comforting manner.
“He does this sometimes, hon. You and I both know that..”
“I know.” Rand can’t help but feel bad. “He’s been distant, Ro’. Do you think he left?”
Rolan was silent, a chitter of thought coming from him. His antennae twitch as he ponders on it, but a soft laugh comes from him. The other man turns, almost in offense. They had both lost Kian once before, but the thought of him leaving them willingly? It just wouldn’t happen.
“Look, he’s definitely been distant. But Rand, are you hearing yourself? Kian wouldn’t leave us, not willingly or unless something was really wrong.”
“You don’t fuckin’ know that. With how distant he’s being, how are we supposed to know if something is wrong?”
“Calm down..”
“I am calm. You’re the one who’s not worried!”
“Because he’s probably fine.”
Rand grumbled, crossing his arms. Rolan could notice his discomfort, his paranoia. It reeked off of him like how the stench of weed clung to his clothes. And like the stench, the paranoia was normal. It was obvious with how he fidgeted his fingers, dug his nails into his palms until there were crescent shaped wounds and how he bit his lips when he never had a smoke.
“We can look around the house for him, if it helps.”
“Yeah, let's do that.”
Rolan nodded and got up, stretching his arms up over his head. Rand sat there, eyes fixed on the door as if Kian would walk back in any minute. Rolan went back over, running a hand through his boyfriend’s messy hair in some attempt to tame it. He didn’t take it too well and swatted at his hand.
“Stop that.” He scorned, eyes narrowed at the taller. Rand stood, and man, he just wanted to lie back down. It was cold, and it made the hair on the back of his neck stand. There’s an even higher chance that Kian just moved rooms or something. He never told Rolan, but Rand knew about his higher sensitivity due to a reaction he had to a cup of coffee. He had a stupid face, like he’d just burned himself alive. It was amusing in a way.
… But that wasn’t entirely reassuring. It wasn’t confirming that Kian was 100% okay. It wasn’t confirming his safety or his sanity.
“I doubt he’s gone far, love.” The bug spoke up, voice unwavering and confident. “Barc was in with us last night. He’s with Kian, and you know he wouldn’t go too far without you with him.”
Rand nodded again, and the confident tone does its job some bit. It makes him feel more assured in the fact that both Kian and his dog are fine. Sure, he’s still thinking about everything and anything that could possibly go wrong, there’s so so many things. Kian could be tangled up in something again like he was before, or maybe he wasn’t himself again.
The pair both shudder, the front door cracked open. It let in a cool breeze, all warmth inside the house being overtaken by the cold. They both looked at each other, then the door, and suddenly it was obvious that their missing piece wasn’t too far.
The more paranoid of the two, he was definitely a little bit more shaken with the door open; his partner could be anywhere in the world. The calmest of the two, well, he didn’t change his opinions at all. He knew that his partner was out there, he could smell the smoke. Rand obviously didn’t note it, but he was basically immune to the stench of cigarettes with how often he was smoking something. It reeked off of his clothes, no matter how much he washed them.
Approaching the door and opening it, a shivering blonde figure sat there, the labrador lying by his hand. There wasn’t any motion other than his breathing, his shivering and the occasional moving of his hand. Flicking. The two frown at the jacket, and they know he’s not wrapped up properly. From what they could see, his hair was tangled, it was sure to be a nightmare when he next brushed it out. He had his back turned, it was obvious he wasn’t wearing the jacket properly. Kian was sure to get sick.
Barc noticed Rand, and eagerly barked, up on all paws and his tail wagging. He grinned in fondness of the animal, crouching to his level and scratching him behind the ears. Rand wasn’t ever somebody to baby talk an animal, and he never did. Tonight wasn’t any exception to that. Rolan buzzed in some sort of delight, before focussing on his shivering partner. That buzzing stopped, and he clicked in concern.
The click broke the shivering man’s train of thought, and he turned. His cheeks and nose were bright red, likely from the cold nipping away at him. Rolan shuddered at the thought of being so cold, and he moved to sit next to his boyfriend. He quickly notes how jumpy Kian is. He wasn’t hurt or anything, he looked fine, he was just jumpy around Rolan. He tried not to take any offense to it though. The blonde takes a moment to breathe in, thinking deeply of the best way to go about this, and slowly, his petal covered hand moves closer. The other doesn’t pick up on this, but when the lover’s fingertips are brushing gently against his thigh, he sighs, intertwining his own hand with it.
“Your hand is freezing.”
“Yours is warm.”
They mutter their words, the blonde’s tone laced with a sadness that he would never let show on his face. Rolan never noticed that unspoken sadness until now. A lingering thought of if Kian really was as distant as Rand said he was being was the reason behind this sadness.
Kian’s cold hand wasn’t something he willingly held out to Rolan in a very long time. He’d only noticed how much he truly missed it now, feeling the pale and cold hand squeeze his own tightly. He wanted nothing more than to kiss his hand, but he didn’t want to push his luck. Something was clearly wrong with the rockstar, he and Rand just never noticed it, until now.
Thinking back on everything now, Rolan could safely say that tonight wasn’t a one off occasion.
His partners, they always were a tad bit more independent at times, but after the incident they both changed. The lawyer only ever noticed one change. Rand, due to a high paranoia that something, anything would happen to himself or his loved ones, needed Rolan and Kian within sight or just needed to know they were around. Rolan didn’t mind that one bit! He loved Rand, and he’d spend every waking minute with him if it helped keep him at ease. Of course, he loved Kian too, but in all honesty, he knew he was more worried about his other partner than him a lot of the time. Realising the other’s sadness could’ve also been caused by this, he sighs. His grip on the blonde’s hand doesn’t falter, if anything it becomes tighter. The thought of losing someone like him never crossed his mind until now.
“You.. Kian, we-” His words were stammered as he tried to get out the correct words, anything that would help the other man feel assured in the fact that both Rolan and Rand cared about him deeply. Rolan shuddered with the dull eyes’ focus on him. “I’m worried.”
It’s a weak statement, but enough to pull a reaction from the rockstar sitting next to him.
His face, normally dolled up and well looked after, had an expression of pure concern and almost distress. The lawyer wanted to pull him close and run his hand through the tangled curls, just to comfort him, to try and make all of his pain go away. It wouldn’t work, he knew that much, but maybe, just maybe, it would help. He wanted to cradle his rockstar (even if the latter was adamant on the fact he never was and never would be one) and make everything go away. He needed Kian to be fine. He needed Rand to be fine. He needed them both to be safe and okay, otherwise he really might just lose himself.
“And before you say anything, yes I mean it. You’ve..” How could he say this without making Kian upset? “You’ve been distant, love. Me and Rand are worried about you, a lot.”
The man’s distressed look, it grows into a sadder one. It was just a sensitive night for him. The blonde nearly jumps out of his skin as a warm hand meets his shoulder. It’s Rand, and he sits on the other side of the younger man. Kian’s eyes looked over his face, and he could just die with the affection and love he felt bubbling up in his heart. There was always something so.. bright about seeing Rand without his sunglasses.
“It’s late, can we talk another time?” The youngest of the three asks after clearing his throat.
“No. You’re just going to avoid it again, Ki.” Rand speaks like he’s got a genuine issue, but this is as soft as he thinks he could ever get his tone to be. “We’re worried about you, and you’re just trying to push it off!”
Rolan gave Rand a look that read ‘shut up, you’ll make it worse,’ but the look faded when Kian nodded slowly. The other two looked at each other in surprise, because the last thing they expected was Kian Stone of all people to agree with something about needing to talk something out. As much as he preached about therapy and talking things out, it wasn’t actually something he did much of himself.
“No, you’re uh.. You’re right, man, I guess..” It was easier to agree than try and rile him up at 1 or 2 in the morning. “Can we talk in the morning though?” Kian finishes his sentence with that, looking between both of his partners.
Rolan nods, a pleased buzz coming from the back of his throat. For the first time in a long time, a warm and genuine smile spreads on Kian’s face. It’s the type of smile that could light up a room, and make anyone feel some remote sense of joy. The lawyer sure knows he was glad to see it again for the first time in forever. It meant he was doing something right. Rand, on the other hand, could only grin back at both Rolan and Kian. They were happy and safe and they were fine, so everything was pretty much okay, right?
..Well, minus the fact that one of them is barely wrapped up and covered off properly. He could get sick, it was a very high possibility. They didn’t know how long he was out here for, but judging how much he was shivering and how red his body was starting to get from the cold, it was clear it was longer than just five minutes.
The smallest stands up, and he stretches his back. “Let’s go back inside. It’s cold, and I’m tired.”
Rolan huffs in a fond manner, getting up as well. He looks down at the rockstar, who returns the look. Something about the way he stared, it struck Rolan as sad, but maybe that’s how he’s always looked and he just never paid attention to it. He holds out a hand to the other man, hoisting him up to his bare feet when he grabs on. That pity feeling washes over the lawyer again, and a primal instinct deep down is screaming at him to take him back to the nest, make sure he’s warm, safe, protected, and he needs to protect his nest.
Kian notes the sudden blank stare, and how the clicks got more intense. Something buried down within him told him to reply, to tell him he was okay. So he moved his hands to Rolan’s shoulders, leading him in through the front door after Barc ran in. The remaining warmth of the house seemed to snap Rolan from whatever he was dealing with mentally, because he stopped, turned and moved to hold Kian’s hand again.
He knew that his love language was touch, it was difficult to express how much he did love Kian without pausing as he explains, so showing it through actions was always how he got that point across.
A thumb brushes over his knuckles as Rolan leads them back to the dim room. Rand’s already lying back down, he’s half asleep but he’s looking straight at the door as if he were waiting for the two of them to hurry up. Once again, Barc was laying at the foot of the bed, acting as a protector for the three. The lawyer lets go of the pale hand and he moves to be sat in the bed, and the rockstar stands and stares. That pang of guilt, the feeling of being unwanted and unloved came rushing back to him, and he just wanted to curl up and cry. It felt like they only cared when he wasn’t there!
“Ki’, you uh.. gonna keep staring at us?” Rand nervously chuckled. It broke Kian’s train of thought, and he went over. He kept to himself, sat at the edge of the bed. The other two gave each other a look, then they looked back at Kian.
They didn’t know how to proceed with this, not when he was as jumpy as a box of frogs tonight. The blonde’s head was hung low, as if he wanted to avoid eye contact, and honestly, it annoyed Rand. He didn’t understand what he was doing wrong, he never did, but it got pretty annoying when nobody told him. Rolan on the other hand, had a gut feeling that he needed some form of reassurance that he was wanted. So, he gives Rand a look, to knock off whatever he was thinking of doing, because he knew him, he would accidentally take it too far and make it worse. Rand only rolls his eyes before trying to keep a softer gaze on his face.
“Kian, you don’t have to sit so far away, we want you here with us.”
The blonde looks up for a second, and he considers moving closer to them. The two have very different looks on their faces; Rolan looks desperate, he looks friendly and he looks like he wants to try his best to comfort him, whereas Rand, he’s looking at Kian with a frown. Kian doesn’t know what’s going through his head but it's the type of frown that appears when he’s thinking.
He can feel the eyes fixed on him as he makes the decision. He moves closer to his partners, trying his absolute hardest to avoid eye contact. Kian’s surprised when calloused hands grab him with such gentleness that he would never expect from Rand. Rand pulls him close and into a tight hug. It’s warm, it’s comforting, and near instantly, he wraps his arms around him in return. Kian relishes the touch, as it’s something he’s longed for for ages. He doesn’t fight as his boyfriend drags him down to be lying beside him.
He can feel the warm hands of his other partner snake around his waist as he lies at his back. The rockstar’s sandwiched between them, and for once in his life, he feels at ease. He feels like he belongs and he feels like he is loved. The feeling is.. new. It’s suffocating, but fuck, he would never get enough of it. It was suffocating in a way that he couldn’t ever get enough of. It felt like he’d found the people he could love with his whole heart, the people he could love with every negative and positive aspect. He found the people who could deal with his infectious love that could be considered a poison, and he could never be happier about that.