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I found this song on my own and I’m bloody proud of it. The message is maybe a bit strange. I think the artist is singing about a break up but, when I listen to it, I hear other things.
The first thing it makes me think of is how it felt to be away from Charlie for those four days on the uni tour with Elle, Tara, and Imogen. When Caroline sings, ‘ Don't send me photos, you're makin' it worse ’, I remember the pictures Charlie would send me while we were apart and how desperately I missed him.
The second memory that comes to mind, and what really sticks with me, are those initial moments that I got to see him when we returned home.
I think it’s because he was playing the drums when I saw him; on stage in front of so many of our friends, family, and neighbours. Charlie is so fucking hot when he plays. I practically passed out from how good he looked. Sometimes I think he doesn’t realise just how hot he is, so this song is my reminder to him to make sure he never, ever forgets.
—
I am sprinting as soon as I slam the car door shut, my feet hitting pavement and then squishing into the grass as I yell back to my friends, “Guys, hurry up!”
I rush through the gate for the fête, barrelling through the streamers, panting in my effort to get to him. It’s been four days but it’s felt like an eternity.
I can hear my friends shouting back but, honestly, it doesn’t matter what they’re saying because the band is already playing and I missed the start. Still, something Imogen screeches about shoes sticks in my ears and I shout back.
“Imogen, if you can't run in those shoes, take them off!” I don’t bother listening to her response.
I’m getting closer to the stage and I can see the crowd. Above them I can just make out Sahar and, behind her, I can see the drum set and the most beautiful boy sitting behind it.
I shout over my shoulder, “Hurry up! I can see them!”
When I hit the crowd, I am immediately apologising but I push through regardless. My voice is a winded, ‘Sorry. Sorry, excuse me,’ as I push past a young man with shoulder length black curls. He gives me a sharp look but I can’t worry about that now. I can feel Elle’s hand on my shoulder, pushing me forward as well.
The crowd is shouting and dancing, celebrating the musicians on stage. My chest is buzzing with excitement, knowing that Charlie’s up there. He found his confidence. He took the stage and I am so proud of him I can feel it bubbling up to overflowing in my lungs.
I come to a stop with a clear view of him and the breath is knocked out of me as I drink him in, in person for the first time in four days. I can feel the smile on my face and the relief in my body as I stand where I was meant to be all along, in the crowd supporting my incredible boyfriend.
That little voice in the back of my head pops up to remind me that I wasn’t there when I had said I would be. I shove it back down because now is not the time.
The song quiets for a moment, with just the guitar playing, and Charlie waves to me, a smile lighting up his face. He starts to laugh as he grins at me and my heart is going a mile a minute. He looks incredibly happy , his blue eyes shining with joy and oozing confidence.
He is, of course, always gorgeous to me. Our friends call me a simp and I don’t deny it. I love Charlie more than anything in the world. But right now, my boyfriend is especially gorgeous and looking hot as fuck in a tiny pink t-shirt that clings to his torso.
I know what it took for him to get here. All those dark and difficult days. Some when he let me share the burden and love him, and some when he didn’t, and he fought his demons alone. I know what it means that he put on this shirt, today. I am so in love with him, I could shout for it.
I wave back to him and I feel like I’m glowing because I’m so happy to see him again. I hear Tao shouting somewhere nearby, “Go, Charlie! Whoo!”
But Charlie doesn’t look at Tao or anyone else. He doesn’t break my gaze and his smile never falters. It’s like we’re both coming home, in that moment, looking at each other with all our love in our eyes.
That voice in my head rears up again reminding me about uni and Leeds. That it’s over four hours away. That it’s a choice I’m going to make – to leave him here.
My heart wrenches and I pull out my phone to distract myself by snapping a few photos. I know I need to document this moment so I can remember it anytime I want. I need to be able to look back at this – at my beautiful, confident Char, on stage.
My smile returns because I can’t stop feeling joyful whenever I look at him.
The song tempo picks back up, the rest of the band coming in, and the crowd is singing along again, refrains of ‘C’est la vie ’ echoing through the crowd. Our friends are jumping around and dancing, laughing with joy. As much as I’d like to join in, I stick to clapping because I definitely can’t dance. The energy is all-encompassing though and I let out a shout, cheering for Charlie and the band.
When the song ends, the crowd goes mad – cheering, shouting, and throwing their hands up and I am joining them because how could I not? Charlie, the entire band, were incredible and I can feel the balloon of pride swelling in my chest. My boyfriend the drummer, my boyfriend the rockstar. I feel like I’m practically floating with it.
I clap and yell out to him, “I love you, Charlie!” as loud as my lungs will allow, hoping he’ll hear me above the crowd. I am dazed watching him sit behind the drums, pink in the face but smiling and chuckling to himself, almost like he can’t believe what he’d just done.
When he comes off the stage, he runs straight to me, right into my arms, and I catch him. “Oh!” I grunt upon impact.
His scent envelops me, the sudden heat of his body pressed into mine is immediately both soothing and exciting.
“You did it! You're amazing ,” I say into his ear as I use the momentum to swing him around before setting him carefully back on his feet. I love the feel of my arms around his waist and his around my shoulders. My heartbeat is steady in my chest now that we’re back together. I am home . I can’t keep the smile off my face as I finally get to look at him standing right in front of me again.
“I’m sorry I wasn't there before you went on,” I say, my gaze lingering on his face–those blue eyes, that sweet smile, those gorgeous dimples. My gaze flickers from his eyes to his lips and back, over and over. He is so beautiful. I want to kiss him silly.
“It's okay. I was okay,” he responds with a shrug and a confidence that makes me feel all melted inside. I can’t help it as my gaze drifts down, tracing the line of his neck until it disappears under the t-shirt and following the lines of his t-shirt down to the exposed skin of his upper arm.
I reach up and curl my hand around his bicep, my thumb resting gently against the muscle there just barely under the hem of his shirt sleeve. I hold back a gasp at the electricity that fizzes and crackles from that point of contact through my skin. The sensation jumpstarts my heart back up into a frantic rhythm. This happens much more often now when we touch and I think I’m addicted to it. I want him.
So hot, you’re hurting my feelings,
Can’t deal
Oh so carefully, I let my hand trail down his arm, revelling in the sparks between us. I can’t get enough of him.
I glance back and forth again from his eyes to his lips.
“You look so good right now,” I say softly and it comes out lower than my usual pitch. All I can think about is how it would feel to kiss him and how that electricity would spread, so quickly, from my lips through my veins until it has taken over my entire body and I am aching to touch every part of him.
Get a little more close to me
Charlie chuckles quietly, just a slight huff through his nose, as he looks up at me and then down again, a sweet blush creeping up his cheeks.
“Nick,” he breathes out, eyes locked on mine when he says my name and the tension between us is so sweet. I briefly wonder if he’d leave with me right now, so I can show him just how proud I am of him.
You're the only one who knows me, babe
Before I can ask, Tao’s voice cuts in and the bubble around us shatters, “Charlie!”
Charlie turns his head to look over but I watch him just a little bit longer, unable to tear my gaze away until I absolutely have to. The moment is broken, for now. And I know it’s okay because we will have all night to return to it. So I watch as he glances back at me while he walks over to his friends. The smile on his face is making him glow and I feel it reflecting back out of me too.
Tao, Elle, Isaac, Tara, Darcy, and Imogen all surround him, giving him hugs, cheering, and congratulating him. They are celebrating the person I love more than anything in the world and all I can do is grin as he smiles back at me, again, in the middle of all of that joy. He is my constant and it is so good to be home again.
—
We spent four days apart and coming back to Truham to see Charlie on stage hit me harder than I expected. I missed him so much while I was gone but I was also so incredibly proud of him for getting on stage that day, even if I wasn’t able to make it before he went on.
I know he doesn’t always see it, but my Char has so much bravery within him and I love seeing him take that bravery and run with it.
Not only that, but he looked hot as fuck doing it. And, before that night was up, I did get to show him how proud I was of him. It may have been the most memorable night of my life, up to this point. And I can’t wait for the many more memorable moments to come.
I don’t know how I’m going to leave for uni knowing he’ll be here without me. At least I’ll know he’ll have this playlist and, especially, this song to remind him, anytime he needs it, (and if I just so happen to be in class or something), that he is gorgeous and that I literally can’t deal .