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Jax had a problem.
He had a lot of problems, but that wasn't the point right now.
The point was that he'd recently lost his best friend...only for some cheap knockoff of him to be the new arrival in the circus. At least, that was how he saw the newcomer. After all, his best friend had been a clown and the new girl was a jester. They were a little too similar for his liking...
To start with, there was the obvious comparison of one being a clown while the other was a jester. Then there was the way they were both a little on the anxious side even though one of them had definitely hidden it better than the other. And the way they both wanted so badly to find an exit and get out of here...
Jax tried to shut down that thought. It still hurt too much to think about. Leading up to his last days here, Kaufmo had become obsessed with finding an exit that didn't exist so he could leave the circus and he'd wanted to take Jax with him.
Jax had tried so hard to stop Kaufmo from thinking about it, but even he could admit that it wasn't as easy as just choosing to stop thinking about something and then everything was solved. Of course he knew it wasn't that simple, but darn if he didn't wish it was.
He still remembered how he always attempted to distract Kaufmo in any way he could. Spending more time with him, joking around, trying to listen when he needed to talk...
But none of it has mattered in the end.
Kaufmo was ultimately unable to stop thinking about the non-existent exit, and it eventually drove him crazy to the point that he abstracted. Now he lurked just below everyone else down in the cellar, doomed to waste away as a shell of his former self.
Jax always got stuck on that last thought, among a few others. It never failed to bring down his mood. Kaufmo had been the closest friend he'd had here. He didn't think he had any hope of trying to befriend any of the others, not after all he'd ever done was torment them.
In other words, he was alone now.
And for what? All because a newcomer just had to show up here? Thanks to the newbie, Jax was left friendless and mourning.
He knew it wasn't fair to blame it on Pomni and it wasn't actually her fault, but grief made people do irrational things.
At first, he'd been pranking her just as much he pranked everyone else. It helped him get out some of his feelings and it was amusing to see how the tiny jester reacted.
After that, it became him ignoring her as much as he could. It got hard to even see or hear her. All he could think was that Kaufmo should still be here, not her.
He was also left wondering if Caine had somehow forced Kaufmo's code to self-destruct faster to make room for Pomni's arrival. He didn't know if it was actually true, but it felt true to his grief-stricken mind.
Eventually, all those repressed feelings boiled over in the worst possible way.
After Pomni ended up needing to be rescued and the adventure had ended and everyone had gone their separate ways, Jax found himself angry at her all over again. "Nice going, Pomni. Really great job."
Pomni glanced up at him, slightly shocked by the accusatory tone. "What?"
"You're always needing to be rescued. Pathetic." Jax shook his head condescendingly.
"Well, I'm sorry I'm still adjusting to this place." Now Pomni was starting to get angry, too.
"You've been here for two weeks already."
"Yeah, and my life got turned upside down when I ended up here."
"Yeah, and? So did everyone else's. You're not special."
That angered Pomni a bit more. "Look, I don't know what your problem with me is-"
Jax laughed a bitter laugh. "You want to know what my problem is? My problem.is that you replaced my best friend!"
Pomni looked confused.
For some reason, that annoyed Jax more. She wasn't even aware of what she'd done? Talk about insult to injury. "You remember that abstraction that chased you and Rags on your first day here?" He hated to use or think of the word "abstraction" to describe who had been his best friend, but he didn't know what other word to use.
"Yeah?"
"That used to be my best friend. He was fine up until you arrived."
"He wasn't abstracted before I got here? I find that hard to believe."
"And what would you know, huh?! You just got here, you don't know a single thing. I, on the other hand, have been here way longer. I've watched too many people who arrive here come and go. I've seen too many of them lose themselves and end up abstracting. And now it's so much worse this time because Kauf- the clown is gone and what's in his place now? Some cheap knockoff who'll never, ever be as good as him."
Pomni's anger grew more as she heard Jax's monologue. "I'm not here to replace him."
"You'd better not be. You'll never be as good as him. You'll never be anything."
"Yeah, you already said that."
"Well, I had to make sure you really knew it."
Pomni glared at him. Even if she could see that under all that anger was a grieving bunny and she could sympathize, she didn't have to just sit here and take it.
Jax didn't seem to notice. Or if he did, he ignored it. "Listen here, pipsqueak. I know more about this place than you ever will. I've been here a long time and faced unimaginable horrors, but nothing ever compares to the horror of seeing someone who you thought would always be here lose themselves to the madness and abstract, becoming nothing more than a shell of their former self. I've seen too many people here befall that fate. Sometimes they don't even survive a day here before their doors get painted in red. And now thanks to you, my best friend is one of those people who's met that fate. He's gone because of you and I'll never forgive you for that."
Pomni stared him dead in the eye. "It's not my fault he's gone. I didn't choose to come here."
"So you keep saying. But it wouldn't surprise me if Caine sped up the abstracting process to make room for you."
"So you don't even know if he did that or not?"
"No, but it wouldn't be surprising."
"So you're just blaming this on me with no proof other than I remind you of him?!"
Jax paused as he heard it get put like that. Then he gave her a look and doubled down. "Yeah. What else am I supposed to think? That it's just a coincidence that as a clown leaves, a jester arrives? Please."
Pomni just fell silent for a minute.
Jax also fell silent, watching her. Was what he said finally starting to sink in?
Pomni looked up at him again, this time with one of her smiles that betrayed the look of one trying not to go insane. "You know what, Jax? I never asked for this. I never asked for any of it. Do you really think I would voluntarily choose to enter a crazy world I can never leave for the sole purpose of replacing your best friend? Don't think so highly of yourself."
Jax blinked, slightly surprised by the harsh words. Not that he should be, he guessed. He used plenty of them himself.
Pomni slowly inched towards him, still wearing that insane smile. "You have no idea what it's been like for me since the moment I first arrived here. No idea! I got chased down by what used to be your best friend, I watched my own new friend get snapped out of existence only minutes after meeting him, I ended up in a haunted house and got chased down by plenty of other creatures, I got put on an adventure where I finally did see my friend again only to learn that he didn't remember me, had absolutely no memory of me or the time we shared whatsoever, and the list goes on. So maybe think twice before trying to accuse me of something I'd never want to do, even to you. I actually care enough about people not to do that, unlike someone I could mention."
Jax froze as everything Pomni had said started to sink in. He knew she hadn't exactly had an easy time since arriving here. No one did. But he hadn't known all the detail of what she'd been through this whole time.
Pomni also froze, but for a different reason. She couldn't believe she'd just let all that out. In front of Jax, no less. Jax who was blaming her for his friend's abstraction. Jax who'd never been nice to her for more than a moment since she arrived here. Jax who no one really liked. She quickly turned away from him.
She then mentally facepalmed. Why oh why had he been so good at pushing her buttons? Why couldn't she have just walked off and not even bothered to entertain his annoyingness?
Jax was still silent as he thought about what Pomni had told him. With all that in mind, now he really felt like a jerk for blaming all his problems on her when of course he logically knew it wasn't her fault. He just didn't know what to do with all the grief he held in his heart.
But even he could admit it wasn't an excuse. Pomni was suffering just as much, and he knew he shouldn't be adding to it.
He took a deep breath and looked at her. "Pomni."
Pomni was shocked by his use of her actual name instead of one of his nicknames, but she didn't turn to face him. She was still angry. She understood that Jax was grieving and everything, but so was she and she wasn't blaming anyone for it! She figured it would just be best if they didn't interact further. She started to leave.
"Pomni, wait!" Jax reached for her hand.
Pomni quickly pulled away and shot a glare at him.
He backed off slightly.
Pomni didn't wait. She continued to walk away.
Jax felt a bit worse now. He couldn't just let Pomni go without letting her know it wasn't really her fault and it was just the grief talking. "I'm..." He paused, trying to force the small word out of his mouth. How was it that something so small could be so hard to say? "...sorry."
Pomni paused and looked at him, but it was just another glare. A colder one this time. "No, you're not. You just don't want me to leave so you can keep blaming me for this. You're trying to lure me back in by pretending you're sorry."
Jax winced. He knew he couldn't blame her for thinking that way, but sometimes it still hurt when people assumed the worst of him (even if he gave them plenty of reason to).
Pomni just looked at him for a minute, waiting to see if she'd end up being right.
Jax gazed back at her, trying to silently convey that he meant his apology.
Pomni eyed him cautiously, but started to come back.
Jax breathed a sigh of relief, and then looked down at her. "I really am sorry. I know it's not your fault that Kaufmo's gone. He had started to lose it long before you arrived. But...I don't know. It just wouldn't surprise me if Caine really did somehow speed up the abstracting process to make room for you since you were the new arrival."
Pomni tilted her head. "Can he do that?"
"...I don't know, which just makes it worse that I accused you of everything."
Pomni nodded.
Jax looked away. He wasn't used to feeling this bad when he wasn't nice to someone, but here he was. He regretted saying everything he had to Pomni, both because he knew she didn't deserve it and because he admitted to dealing with grief when he always tried so hard not to let anyone see that side of him.
Pomni glanced up at him. "I'm sorry you lost your best friend."
Jax glanced down at her. She still felt bad for him even after he'd been so horrible to her? "Oh...thanks. I'm sorry for your loss, too."
Pomni nodded, trying to keep the sadness off her face.
Jax looked out into the distance, trying to process everything. Trying to process the fact that Kaufmo was gone, something he still hadn't managed to do. He knew it hadn't been that long since the clown had abstracted, but still. He didn't think he'd ever completely come to terms with the fact that his best friend was gone.
Pomni did the same, thinking about her own friend that she'd lost. She'd only known Gummigoo for not even a day, but it still hurt that he had been snapped out of existence only to return on a later adventure and not remember her. It had felt like a cruel joke.
Jax glanced down at her for a minute, just silently observing her. Now that they'd quit arguing, he could see just how much she was struggling with her own loss. It made him feel even worse that he'd just taken everything out on her for no good reason.
Pomni glanced back up at him.
Jax quickly averted his gaze, not wanting to be caught staring.
Pomni reached over and slipped her small hand into Jax's bigger one.
Jax glanced down at their intertwined hands and then back at Pomni.
She offered him a small smile, silently letting him know that she was there.
He managed a small smile back, getting the message. He squeezed her hand gently, trying to let her know the same thing.
The two of them just sat there for awhile, surprisingly finding some comfort in each other's presence. Neither of them had expected that, especially since they'd just been fighting moments before. But it felt so right for both of them to just spend time with someone who they knew could really understand grief and loss.
As they sat there, Jax let his mind wander a bit. He knew he'd told Pomni that she'd never be as good as Kaufmo, but truth be told, he'd mostly said that out of anger. But it was true that she wouldn't replace Kaufmo, it was true that no one would. Kaufmo had been one of a kind, which just made it hurt all the more that he wasn't there with Jax anymore. He'd always miss the only person he'd ever allowed himself to get close to.