Chapter Text
9:00am
It’s raining. It’s pounding on the pavement, on my windows and against my ears. My room is dark except for the light the lightning brings. It washes over my room for a second and then disappears. The world is dark even though it should be lit up with the morning sun, somehow representing how I feel. I’m sitting in front of my window watching the rain cleanse the earth, wishing it could do the same for me. I throw my head back and close my eyes. My eyes, when did the lightning in them go missing? I hear the rain, it’s pounding against the earth even harder now like no matter how hard it tries the dirt and impurity won’t leave.
I get up and walk to the mirror in my room. The mirror that first showed me something was missing. I stand in front if the mirror looking at my eyes, these days I spend a lot of time in front of this mirror trying to find the person I used to be. I watched the mirror hoping for some sign of my lightning returning. I look at my eyes and see the same brown eyes half covered with blonde hair. A new experiment I tried, to see if changing how I look would somehow affect my eyes. It hadn’t. I see the brown eyes staring back at me and I try to smile but before the corners of my lips can even lift, I stop because I see what’s missing again. I see no light. My eyes are dead and have been for the past year. I leave the mirror and go sit in front of the window again. It’s still raining.
2:00pm
It’s still raining, but now I lay on my bed looking at the ceiling. My room is not boring but colored and full of little trinkets hear and there to remind me of my lightning. Once I used to spend my evenings with my friends laughing and ignoring the lightning. I never appreciated it back then. I took it for granted and now it’s gone. I look at the pictures in my album.
There are pictures with all of us smiling at the camera, making weird, awkward faces. There are pictures of my hyungs kissing each other with their ship names written underneath. There are pictures of me fooling around with my two youngest hyungs. I see the picture of when we convinced Jin hyung to dress up as a typical American mother and we all posed around him as his family with Namjoon hyung as the father. I see the picture someone took of Yoongi hyung chasing Jimin hyung and me for waking him up from a nap. I see the picture of Hobi hyug trying to teach me some new dance step. There are pictures of us playing around with my guitar. There are pictures of us napping, eating, playing and just pictures of us being happy in general. There are pictures of us from when I just seven years old when I only had Taehyung hyung to when we first hung out with Jimin hyung. There are pictures of us meeting Jin hyung for the first time when we asked him if he wanted help with his bruised up boyfriend. Jimin hyung took that picture I wonder why. There’s the picture of when Jimin hyung banged into and fell on Yoongi hyung with Hobi hyung laughing nearby.
The pictures show how we grew up from little kids to the teenagers we are now. I focus on the pictures where I can clearly see the lightning in my eyes. When I get to the pictures of the past year I see the lightning reducing and my eyes becoming dimmer and dimmer.
I also see pictures of me and Taehyung hyung. Pictures of us in each others arms, pictures of us kissing, pictures of just being best friends and a couple. If I regret anything it’s that my poor Taehyung can’t see my light anymore. I look at the pictures again and again and I see tears roll down but I don’t stop. The pages are tinted with the blood escaping from my wrists and hands.
7:00pm
It’s still raining outside. I wish the rain would wash away my dirt. It’s almost time for my friends to come to my house to try again to get me to leave my room. I still can’t find my lightning in the mirror. I look again but to no avail. If I could see even one flash I would be satisfied. I try again to smile, I think of all the good that happened to me but the moment I do, tears start to flow.
Why does this happen to me? I’m still 15, I should be happy and my eyes should be bright and full of love and light but instead I’m sitting on the floor crying and trying to find the light in my eyes. I left my mirror again and went to my bed. I sat down on my bed and tried to figure out where my light went.
I remembered wanting to sing, wanting to dance, wanting to inspire people to follow their dreams. I remember wanting to help others find their own lightning but being told I couldn’t, being told I should take the safe approach to life. I remember being judged for my grades dropping. I remember being told that I’m looking for attention every time I cried out, every time I snapped I remember being told I was being disrespectful and rude. I remember being forced out of my comfort zone when I needed it most and being forced to be with those who hurt me. I remember being told I was too young to feel this way and I was just confused.
The things I’ve been told which slowly broke me down. I realize where my light has gone. My lightening was stolen from me when I was told my dreams were hopeless, when I was told that I was not being myself when I still had my light and I was still holding on to the thin strands of hope I had left in my dreams.
Now that I lost my lightning, they think I’m back to being me. Except for my friends. Except for my brothers, which is why I keep myself away from them. I don’t want to hurt them the way I hurt myself. I really want my lightning back. I don’t want to be like this. I looked over at my table, there was a bottle on the table and it was empty. I wonder if I can get my lighting back. I got my book out and sat back on the floor in front of the mirror. Still no sign of my lightning. I started to write:
“Broken shards behind my lashes,
The absence of light within the ashes,
That is my sanity.
A smile to others so sweet,
But to me it’s a cheat,
To hide my reality.
A part of me is missing,
But you keep dismissing,
How I feel inside.
If I told you the truth,
Would you blame it on my youth,
And say that I lied.
Now maybe this will help,
Or would you yelp,
From fear of what you’ve done.
Or will you cry,
And tell me good-bye,
Because now you’ve lost a son.”
As though fate was moving in synch with me the pills took effect as I wrote those last words. I watched myself fall back and I watched the door burst open as the only people who still care about me ran in. I saw the tears fall down their faces again. My life came to an end as the day came to an end and I guess the rain couldn’t wash away my demons.
I went through all the more misery watching the boy I loved more than life itself hold me and wail and beat himself up as though he did something wrong. It was tortures to watch my oldest hyung stare at the spot my body lay in shock while his boyfriend, my smart hyung held on to him so as not to collapse. It was pure pain to see my usually lethargic hyung collapse to his knees and tear at his hair. It was tormenting to watch my sunshine hyung lose his smile and see the first signs of a panic attack arise in him. I see my hyung, the best one for personal relations reach towards my book and I watch him slowly lose his happiness as he reads each word, I see the book fall to the floor. I see Yoongi hyung pick it up and read it, anger and sadness filling his face as he stormed to my parents who were holding on to each other as they cried for the loss of their child. I see him shove it in my fathers face and scream at him as hyung slowly sinks to the floor again.
I saw them all wailing like there was no tomorrow. Jimin hyung picked up my guitar and held it against him as he cried. Hobi hyung went mad, he broke my pencils and tore my papers, he grabbed hold of the razor that was on the table bathed in blood and squeezed until his hands turned crimson. Jin hyung was still on the floor holding onto Namjoon hyung when he noticed the album sitting on my bed. It was closed and it looked so innocent and beautiful. He opens the album to find bloodstains and kisses and dried tears on the pages and pictures. He opened it to find our memories tainted with the reality and insanity that possessed my mind. He cried again, louder ad threw the book. It landed near Taehyung, my beautiful angel who deserved none of this.
Tae slowly picked up the book only to see the blood and the smiles. His face twisted and he looked horrible, like his whole body and mind ached and he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. He put down the book and lifted my sleeves to find the fresh slash marks and the dried blood. He put my hand down and got up, he walked to my mirror, as though somehow knowing the pain it caused me. He listed his fists and punched it repeatedly until it cracked and his fists were covered in blood and cuts. He fell on the glass and the tears were now mixed with blood from his hands. He pulled at his hair and cursed at himself for not knowing what was going on sooner and not seeing the signs. He repeated over and over that he would gladly be in my place if it meant I was alive. I couldn’t stand it, any of it. Why did I ever do this?
The thing that hurt, the one thing that was the most harrowing was watching the lightning fade from their eyes. Watching the lightning disappear completely from my lovers eyes, the eyes that I looked in when I kissed him, the eyes that I looked in when I laughed, the eyes that helped me through my sad days, the eyes that held my galaxy, my oceans and my whole entire world. Watching the light escape from the eyes of the friends who quickly became my brothers, the ones who were always there for me. Whether it was to beat up a bully or help with my homework. The friends, no brothers who I kept and loved for this long, the people who believed in me more than I believed in myself. The friends who slowly became my true family.
I fell to the floor watching my family go through this. I crawled back to my body, which lay limp on the floor and banged on it. I was now praying, hoping for any chance of life. Even if the lightning disappeared from my eyes forever I wouldn’t mind as long as I was able to see it in their eyes as long as they live. I begged to any higher being for a second chance, I promised to try to be happy, I promised to never upset any one ever again. I cried and hung on to my body until I realized that I was being pulled.
I was being pulled somewhere. I refused to leave them; I refused to leave when the lightning in their eyes disappeared. I see men come into my room. They are wearing white and they checked my pulse. They screamed something and more came in and carried me out and everything turned to a blinding white light and I was suddenly jerked back. The last thing I saw was white.
6:00am the day after-
I opened my eyes expecting to see the day of my death replay again but instead of my sky based roof I was greeted with a white ceiling and hospital lights. Was I in heaven? If I was why were there hospital lights and why were there tubes in my hand and that constant beeping noise. I looked towards my feet and saw my Taehyung sitting there; asleep on the part of the bed my feet weren’t taking up. I started panicking, was he dead as well? Did he do it as well? I was definitely panicking now. I tried to move my legs and hands but they were strapped down so I did the only thing I could think of, I screamed. Taehyung jolted awake and ran over to my side and held my arms down saying something about wires and restraints. Why are there restraints in heaven, what is going on? People rush in and hold me down.
I hear Taehyungs voice calming me down and telling me that I was okay and that I was alive. Telling me that we were fine. I started to breath properly again and looked at him. He looked at me with tears in his eyes. There was light in them again and it made me happy. He kissed me. I kissed him. He pulled back. I wish he hadn’t.
I couldn’t whine for too long since my other hyungs came in and all of them had light in their eyes but they looked like they hadn’t slept in days. I asked them questions and they answered. They asked me questions and I answered all I could. I apologized for all that I did. I told them I should have thought about them but I didn’t and I wish I had. I told them everything I had done was a mistake and that I was sorry again for not telling them and frightening them so much.
My parents could not face me so they stayed outside, I didn’t mind since my true family was inside with me. The doctor told them they had to leave but promised me I could see them once my tests were done. I promised them I would tell them everything once I was better.
I asked my nurse for a mirror and even though she looked confused she gave me one and I saw a faint presence of my lighting, I smiled. I guess I needed to realize that I already had impacted some people and that me leaving would steal the light from them. Watching the day I died over and over again cause me to see the way my death caused so much pain and suffering to those I loved and wanted to protect. I realized that by distancing myself to try and protect them from none other than me, I was hurting them and myself. When my brothers asked me why I didn’t just tell them, when they asked me if I didn’t trust them? I saw the pain and betrayal in their eyes and that hurt more than the needles stuck in me. I realized how much I must have hurt them by not telling them. I didn’t have to imagine it felt because I saw, I saw them crowded around my body, clinging on to me, crying and begging for me to come back. I saw them hating themselves for not seeing what I was going through, I saw the pain and heartbreak escape through every tear and every scream. I saw the anger they all had within them, the anger at me, at my parents, at themselves, at the world and at everything and anything. I saw them break things and break themselves in the process of trying to bring me back. I saw them give up and collapse onto me, pathetically crying over my body and just begging any and all forces out in the world for help. I realized the terrible mistake I made and vowed to protect them by protecting myself. I looked out the window to see the sun rising.
The curtains were open and my life began again as the morning sun rose just like it ended when the day came to a close.
~There’s always someone that cares, even if right now you don’t see who it is. They are there. You are allowed to feel how you want it doesn’t matter how old you are, it doesn’t matter what you’ve been through. If you feel something no one except for you has the right to validate its importance. Suicide is not an option; it never should be and never has been. You are ending your life before you got the chance to live it. If you have not been happy then no matter how old you are, you have not gotten to live the life you deserve. If you cannot see how you are stealing your own chances then look around you, look at your pictures and the things you hold dear. The people you remember. The ones who love you even though you may not realize, you are stealing from them their light, which they have reserved for you. So please before you do something stupid remember the ones who love you. ~