Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN WASHINGTON D.C. AND STATEN ISLAND
2017

“Tell me again why we’re driving almost four hours to get to Staten Island,” Scully asks warily, becoming increasingly aware that it’s past 5 PM and they won’t be back until late.

“I think you’ll want to hear this guy’s story, Scully,” Mulder replies. “He believes he’s been abducted several times in the past year. He reports blackouts, vivid dreams, and his neighbors have reported strange goings on in the neighborhood.”

“Mulder, he’s probably just a drunk,” Scully argues. “We should have run his record to see if he has any history of drug or alcohol related crimes.”

“I actually did run that report,” Mulder says sheepishly.

“And?” she asks, sensing that he’s hiding something.

“Okay, he has four DUIs, but don’t let that discredit him, Scully. He wouldn’t be the first abductee to self-medicate.”

Scully sighs. This is going to be absolutely pointless, but they’ve come this far. Might as well go meet Sean Rinaldi.

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The doorbell rings at the vampire residence.

No one answers. The bell rings again.

“Will no one answer the damn door?” Laszlo mutters as he gets up to answer it himself. His frustration disappears when he opens the door to find an always welcome guest.

“Seanie!” Laszlo opens the door wider to let Sean in.

“Hey Lasz,” Sean greets Laszlo. “I need a favor.”

“Of course, Sean,” Lazslo quickly agrees. “Tell me what you need, it shall be yours.”

“Who is at the door?” Nandor asks, entering the entryway. “Oh, hello Sean.”

“Sean was just about to ask for a favor, which we will gladly do for him,” Laszlo explains. “Go on, Sean.”

“You know how weird stuff is always happening? I finally figured out what’s going on,” Sean begins.

Laszlo and Nandor exchange a look, both wondering if Sean has figured out that they are vampires. (This has happened before, but they had both agreed that Sean’s brain is now too fragile to be hypnotized again.)

“I saw this guy on TV talking about alien abductions and missing time,” Sean continues. “So I start thinking, hey, what if it’s aliens? So I look up the guy from TV and tell him my story. Guess what? He’s an FBI agent and he thinks I might be onto something.”

“Wonderful, Sean, how can we help?” Lazaro inquires.

“Well, the FBI guy is coming to my house tonight but Charmaine doesn’t want to let him in. Her idiot brother in law had trouble with the FBI and now she’s paranoid.”

“Say no more,” Laszlo says with a dramatic flourish of his arm. “Our house shall serve as the meeting place for the F-B-I. Anything for my very best human companion.”

“You’re the best, Lasz,” Sean says, turning to leave. “I’ll be back in an hour with the FBI guy.”

Laszlo and Nandor go into the formal living room to relax. Guillermo enters the room, dragging a body wrapped in a tarp. He looks bedraggled.

“Oh there you are, Gizmo,” Laszlo says with a frown. “I had to answer the door, which I do believe falls under your duties.”

“You have been slacking, Guillermo,” Nandor agrees in a softer tone than Laszlo. “You need to be ready at all times to answer the door.”

“It won’t happen again, Master,” Guillermo tells Nandor, suppressing the desire to explain that he was busy cleaning up their mess.

“See that it does not,” Laszlo replies, quickly deciding that he must give Guillermo a task to make up for the answering-the-door hardship he endured. “Say, Gizmo, could you procure some human food appeTIZERS for our visitors from the F-B-I this evening?”

“I’m sorry, who is coming over?” Guillermo asks, certain that he is misunderstanding.

“Sean will be here with a gent from the F-B-I to discuss extraterritorial AB-duction,” Laszlo explains.

“The FBI is going to be here in an hour?” Guillermo chokes. “I’m hiding a DEAD BODY and the FBI is coming here in an hour? Am I understanding this correctly? The FBI? Here?”

Guillermo’s pallor becomes pale, his skin suddenly clammy. He pulls at the collar of his shirt, his sweater vest suddenly feeling much too hot.

“Calm yourself, Guillermo,” Nandor commands, mildly irritated at his familiar’s little outburst. “You have plenty of time to bury the body and create a lovely snack tray for the guests. No need to ‘freak out.’”

Guillermo stuffs down his exasperation, knowing well enough that the vampires will never understand the danger that the FBI poses. He will have to protect them from their own ignorance.

Again.

As usual.

With a grunt, Guillermo drags the body out the door to hide it in the shed until the FBI agent leaves. Just another day in the life of a vampire’s familiar, but deep down he wouldn’t have it any other way.

Chapter Text

Mulder rings the doorbell of Sean Rinaldi, who answers the door with a welcoming smile.

“You better not let them in! They can’t come in here without a warrant!” screams a female in the background.

“I’m not, Charmaine! I already told you! We’re going to Laszlo’s!” Sean screams back, turning back to Mulder with a smile. “Wives, am I right?”

Mulder throws a glance in Scully’s direction. She does not look amused.

“Oh, sorry, man, I didn’t know you were bringing your wife,” Sean apologizes. “Sorry ma’am.”

“I’m Dana Scully, Agent Mulder’s FBI partner,” Scully clarifies. Mulder looks slightly confused by the distinction since, as far as he’s concerned, she’s pretty much his wife. Almost. Sort of.

“My wife doesn’t trust the fuzz, you understand,” Sean explains. “We can talk at my neighbor’s house. Great guy. You’re gonna love him.”

Sean leads the way to a dimly lit Gothic structure that is just begging to be checked for ghosts. Mulder is already planning on asking the owners if he can do some EVP testing. Scully can read his intentions.

“We are not ghost hunting,” she whispers.

Sean leads them up the walk and rings the doorbell. This time Guillermo opens the door for them.

“Hello, welcome,” Guillermo says, opening the door and letting them in. “Please come sit in the living room, not any of the other rooms. Not that there’s anything to hide in the other rooms. I just set everything up in the living room. That’s why I said that.”

Mulder and Scully exchange a look, but follow Guillermo into the darkened room. There are antique chairs and a loveseat, as well as four rusty folding chairs that Laszlo had made Guillermo drag up from the basement.

“You must be the F-B-I,” Laszlo greets them when they enter the living room. “I am Laszlo Cravensworth and this is my good lady wife Nadja.”

Nadja’s eyes light up with recognition.

“The FBI? Laszlo, remember that FBI t-shirt I won for you?” Nadja asks excitedly.

“Ah, yes,” Laszlo recalls. “I believe it was a humorous garment which indicates that I am a Female Body Inspector, which I dare say is an apt description, although I have been known to inspect my fair share of chaps as well.”

Mulder and Scully make their introductions, taking in the odd room and its even odder inhabitants. Guillermo excuses himself to get the appetizer tray.

Nadja looks at Mulder and Scully appraisingly, quickly deciding that she likes the look of them. She stands and takes a few steps in their direction.

“I have never met a Female Body Inspector before,” Nadja tells them, twirling a finger through her hair. “Do we do this in front of everyone? Will you take turns inspecting my body or will you be double teaming me?”

“I say, I wouldn’t mind watching that,” Laszlo admits. “Should we all undress and see where the night takes us?”

“No,” Scully says quickly. “No, we are from the Federal Bureau of Investigation. We will not be inspecting any bodies.”

Guillermo enters the room at this exact moment and almost drops the appetizer tray.

“Bodies?” Guillermo stammers. “There are no bodies.”

“She means our bodies,” Nandor corrects him. “Do not worry, Guillermo. They only inspect female bodies.”

“We don’t actually inspect any bodies,” Mulder clarifies. “Well, not living bodies, anyway.”

“I’m a pathologist,” Scully adds. “I perform autopsies.”

“Well you won’t find any bodies to autopsy here,” Guillermo says, a little too loudly. He laughs nervously.

“Hey, are we going to talk about aliens or what?” Sean interjects. “I’m an abductee over here.”

“Yes, Mr. Rinaldi,” Mulder answers, taking the seat nearest Sean. “Do you feel comfortable speaking in front of your friends or would you prefer some privacy?”

From Mulder’s tone, it is clear that he would like everyone else to leave. Sean looks to Laszlo with a questioning look.

“We shall give you priv-acy,” Laszlo announces, understanding his friend’s needs. “Please help yourself to this human food in our absence. If you need me, I shall be performing sweet lovemaking to my beautiful lady wife.”

“At least someone wants to inspect my body,” Nadja responds, glaring at Mulder and Scully. They intrigue her but their rejection stings. She hasn’t decided yet if she would rather seduce them or eat them. Perhaps both.

The vampires and Guillermo exit the living room to allow for Mulder and Scully to interview Sean. Guillermo closes the heavy door behind them. As long as the FBI agents only speak to Sean, they should be okay.

“Okay, everything is going okay,” Guillermo tells himself. “It’s almost over.”

“Of course everything is okay, Guillermo,” Nandor assures him. “I don’t know what you were so worried about. I’m sure the human FBI people will enjoy your snack tray very much.”

“I wasn’t worried about the—you know what, it’s fine. Thank you, Master,” Guillermo mumbles. Nandor pats his shoulder and retires to his room.

Guillermo hovers outside the living room to make sure nothing goes wrong.

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“Have you experienced any sleep paralysis?” Mulder asks Sean. It’s the 7th question he’s asked, and so far the interview has been… unproductive.

“You mean like where you drink too much and wet the bed?” Sean wonders in earnest.

“No, no, it’s waking up with the feeling that you can’t move,” Mulder explains.

“I don’t think so,” Sean replies. “Charmaine says I sometimes kick her in my sleep. It’s always ‘Jesus Sean, cut your damn toenails!’ Wives always yapping, am I right?”

“Well, I would say we have enough,” Scully announces, standing up. This was somehow much worse than she ever anticipated—and her expectations were already dismally low.

Colin Robinson chooses this moment to enter via the door opposite the one that Guillermo is guarding.

“Hey-o, I didn’t realize we had guests,” he says cordially. “Where’s Laszlo and Nadja and—“

“They’re upstairs, they let us use the room,” Mulder explains.

“—And Nandor? I hadn’t finished. Rude,” Colin complains. “Who are you?”

“Agents Mulder and Scully from the FBI,” Scully says, “and we were just leaving.”

“Oh , the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” Colin says with a very slight uptick in excitement. “Founded in 1908 by former Attorney General Charles Joseph Bonaparte. Fun fact, he was the great nephew of Napoleon Bonaparte, whose famous last battle was The Battle of Waterloo, which as you may know was the inspiration for the 1974 ABBA song, aptly titled ‘Waterloo.’”

Scully sits back down, feeling wary and sleepy. If they don’t get out of here soon, she’s going to fall asleep.

“It’s also the name of ABBA’s second album,” Mulder adds. “I became a bit of an ABBA aficionado in the eighth grade to impress a girl.”

Colin Robinson frowns, irritated that Mulder did not appear to be drained by his anecdote.

“You know, the FBI has its own musical history,” Colin tries again. “Not only did the FBI investigate John Lennon who was an original member of the international smash hit band The Beatles, but the FBI spent months investigating the song ‘Louie, Louie’ by a band called The Kingsmen to determine if the lyrics were obscene because there were laws against the interstate transportation of obscene materials. However, at the end of the investigation, it was determined that the song lyrics were not obscene. It sounds crazy to us now but even in 2002 the Federal Communications Commission fined a Colorado radio station $7,000 for playing an Eminem song that contained profanity.”

Colin is about to go into a diatribe about the difference between obscenity and profanity, but he realizes that both FBI agents and Sean are all completely drained. He smiles.

“Well, okay then, I guess I’m done here,” he informs the sleeping humans before heading back to his room in the basement.

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Guillermo notices a distinct lack of voices when he presses his ear against the door. He feels tightness in his chest. He opens the door a small amount,

“Don’t mind me, just seeing if you need more snacks,” he says as he enters. “Oh my God, they’re dead. Oh no, no, no.”

He makes his way over to the sleeping humans, his mind racing with the consequences of dead government employees. Guillermo pokes at Mulder’s chest.

“Waterloo!” Mulder yells suddenly as he awakens.

“Oh you’re alive, thank God,” Guillermo says, taking a deep breath.

Mulder shakes his head and looks around to see Sean and Scully sleeping in their chairs.

“Scully,” he says with worry, quickly getting up to check on her. “Scully, wake up.”

“Mulder?” Scully mumbles sleepily.

“Yes, you’re okay,” Mulder says, pulling her to her feet. “It’s time to go.”

Mulder looks over to Guillermo, who is still clearly a bundle of nerves.

“I think I know what’s going on here,” Mulder tells him.

“You do?” Guillermo squeaks, the panic returning.

“This house is haunted, isn’t it?” Mulder asks with confidence.

Guillermo can breathe again.

“Yes,” he says. “Yes, you figured it out. The house is haunted.” He laughs nervously.

Mulder gives him a business card.

“Call me if you ever want us to look into it,” Mulder tells him. “Can you, uh, make sure this guy gets home okay?” He nods towards Sean.

“That’s no problem,” Guillermo says, smiling and relieved. “I can get him home safely and alive, it’s no problem.”

Mulder nods and leads a very sleepy Scully out the door.

“Bye!” Guillermo yells from the door, watching the FBI agents get into their car and pull away. Another disaster averted. It feels good.

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“That man was not abducted by aliens,” Scully says an hour later when they stop at a diner for food. “Of all the people that I have ever told you were not abducted by aliens, I am most certain of this one.”

“I agree, Scully,” Mulder says, taking a bite of his sandwich. “I think what we’re actually looking at here is a classic haunted house. When have I ever fallen asleep during an interview?”

“Sure, Mulder, it’s not just that it was a long drive and we’re getting older,” Scully rolls her eyes with affection. “Must be a haunted house.”

“Hey Scully, what do you say we find a motel and stay the night? Play your cards right, I’ll show you what a real Female Body Inspector can do.”

“Shut up, Mulder,” she says with a smile, tossing a french fry in his direction.

She pulls out her phone to find the nearest halfway decent hotel.