Chapter Text
Carla rested her hand on the figure lying next to her in bed. Still half asleep, she gently moved her hand creating circles on their chest with her fingers. She halted immediately and her eyes snapped open as she realised she wasn't next to Lisa. Panic woke her up fully, as the blood drained from her face.
She pulled her hand away and stared at the guy next to her, “Peter?” she whispered before she could stop his name leaving her lips.
“Yes, love?” He replied, his eyes meeting hers. Dread washed over her, what had they done. And why couldn't she remember.
“What happened? Where's Lisa?” Anxiety rose in her. Lisa would never forgive her. This would prove Lisa's early concerns right. Carla was just using her as an experiment. As soon as she could she'd gotten back with a man, she was just a 'straight bird' after all. Carla fought her tears, she wouldn't cry. She couldn't, not in front of Peter, not now her feelings for him were but a memory. She didn't want him to comfort her. She wanted Lisa.
“Who's Lisa? Do I know her?”
Who's Lisa?
Who's Lisa?
There were a million ways Carla could describe Lisa.
The woman who unexpectedly swept her off her feet and taught her how to love again.
Her kind, loving, generous girlfriend who's proven time and time again she's always there for her.
The fiercely determined Detective Sergeant who cares so deeply for those lucky few close to her.
The most romantic partner she’s ever had, who makes her heart flutter every time she sees her.
The person she wants to marry and grow old with.
The love of her life.
Carla frowned at Peter, surely someone told him, “you know, DS Swain. My-”
He cut her off before she could finish. “Hey, I know you're worried but I'm sure if there was an update in the case she would have let us know.” He reached out to hold her hand, lifted it to his lips and gave it a kiss. “Until we hear anything let's try not to dwell on it. How about I take you out tonight? Take your mind off it?”
Carla bit the inside of her lip and shook her head. It should be Lisa kissing her hand. It should be Lisa asking to take her out. It should be Lisa.
She ignored his questions, removing her hand. “When did we last see Lis- DS Swain? When was the last update?”
Peter scratched the side of his neck. “It must have been a week ago. Are you okay?”
Carla felt like she was going to be sick, none of this made sense. “I'm fine. I'm going for a shower.” She darted to the en suite before Peter had a chance to reply. She locked the door behind her and leant against it as she slid down to the floor. The floodgates opened as the tears she had been fighting off streamed down her face. Glancing around the room she saw Peter's toothbrush, Peter's shampoo, Peter's towel. It was like he never left.
After a few moments she got up and turned the shower on. As the water fell onto her face, her mind spiralled with thoughts, trying desperately to understand what was happening. She went to bed last night with Lisa but now Lisa was nowhere to be found, nor was there any evidence she lived there at all. Peter didn't even seem to know who she was. Or who she was to her.
Everything was wrong.
“It can't be happening again,” she mumbled to herself. “Please don't let it be happening again.”
She had been in there way too long. She knew it. She knew Peter knew it. How was she supposed to go back out there and face him? After they parted. After he moved on. After she moved on. After she thought she might never see him again. After everything.
When she eventually left the en suite, she found Peter was in the kitchen. “I made you a coffee, I thought you'd need it for your big meeting.”
“Thanks,” she replied, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. Why was he being so... so... Peter. Peter from before.
“Letter for you over there by the way,” he added tilting his head towards it.
“Thanks,” she repeated.
“You’ve clearly got something on your mind, love. Do you want to talk about it?”
Not with you. “No, not really. I best get going, busy day an’ all.” Despite her earlier worries, she knew she didn’t feel like she did with her psychosis. She thought back to Peter’s reaction when she told him she suspected she was being drugged with LSD and how he hadn’t believed her. Well, not until she had solid evidence. She couldn’t tell him what was going though her head at that point, she wasn’t even sure what was going through her head at that point herself.
Peter only nodded at her response but the concern remained etched on his face. She let out the breath she was holding when he didn't push her for an explanation for her behaviour. She knew he'd want to talk about it at some point but she couldn't deal with it. Not right now.
She walked over to the counter top and picked up the letter that had arrived for her while she was in the shower.
Mrs Carla Barlow the envelope read.
She read it a few more times, not believing her eyes. Barlow. Deciding against opening it then, she stuffed the letter into her bag and left for Underworld. She wanted desperately to go straight to the station. She fought every urge to go to Lisa but she wanted to get more of idea what on earth was going on first.
As she walked, her mind wondered to early memories of her and Lisa, their ‘moment’, their first kiss, their first ‘I love you’s. Her imagination took over and her mind flashed to Lisa's face as she tried to explain. To Lisa not believing her. To Lisa telling her to leave her alone. To Lisa walking out the door.
She reached Underworld, not feeling up to any greetings nor wanting anyone to see her tear-filled eyes, she wordlessly beelined for her office and closed the door.
She grabbed her diary planner and flicked through the upcoming meetings and events. None of which she planned but there they were, right in front of her. In her handwriting. Meetings with clients she had burnt bridges with, or so she thought, written down clear as day. And clients she expected to see nowhere to be found.
Sarah entered the office, pulling Carla out of her thoughts. She gave Sarah a polite smile but she couldn’t prevent a rogue tear falling from her eye.
“Are you alright, Carla?”
No. “Yes Sarah, course I am, aren't I always.” She wiped away the tear and put her best game face on. “Gotta finish up the prep for this meeting,” Carla added getting up from her desk, “you alright to hold the fort?” The meeting was with a client she'd already secured months ago. Or at least, she had memories of doing so. She knew what went over well with them. She knew what she had to do to win them over. Again.
She arrived early for her meeting at the Bistro. She stopped in her tracks when she spotted Michelle standing behind the bar. Carla silently watched her best friend working and was only pulled out of her trance when another customer entered the Bistro and found she was in their way.
The factory owner approached the bar. “Chelle, am I glad to see you.”
“Missed me that much since yesterday?” Michelle teased.
Carla beamed, as tears threatened to fall from her eyes for the third time that day. "Yeah. I did actually."
Michelle's smile grew, “you big softy.” The Bistro manager’s smile faltered for a second upon seeing the unshed tears in the older woman’s eyes. “What’s going on in that head of yours, ay?” Michelle asked as she made her way out from behind the bar and pulled Carla into a much needed hug.
The Underworld boss glanced at the clock and knew she had a bit time before the client arrived. “Chelle, can I ask you something, even if it sounds a bit odd?”
“Of course you can,” Michelle replied, pulling away from their embrace.
“Does everything, I don't know, feel off to you?”
“What do you mean off? Off in what way?”
“Like things aren't how they should be.”
Michelle furrowed her brow trying to understand, “such as?”
“Never mind, forget it.”
Not wanting to let Carla brush her off, Michelle continued, “what like someone's been messing with things? Taking or moving stuff of yours? Watching you?”
“No, no, it's not like that.”
“Then help me understand.”
“It's going to sound ridiculous however I word it.”
The door to the Bistro swung open and in walked the Underworld client. They were early, Carla should have expected that, they were early in her reality too.
Michelle followed Carla's eyeline to spot the client. “We'll talk about this later, yeah?” She grabbed Carla's hand and gave it reassuring squeeze. Carla nodded and went to greet the client.
The meeting went even better than the first time, which Carla didn't think was even possible. She made full use of her memories of their first meeting and subsequent meetings from her reality.
She waved off the client as they left. She turned to face Michelle as she looked back at her expectantly. The older woman sighed knowing Michelle wouldn't let it go.
She wanted to tell her everything. She really did. Or the bits she'd managed to work out but she knew how it would sound. She knew Michelle would have a really, really hard time believing it.
“Come on then, spill.”
Carla took a deep breath, carefully choosing her words. “My life isn't the way it should be. I shouldn't be with Peter for a start.”
“I know things have been tough lately and you know I've never been the biggest fan of him but what's brought this on?”
“I don’t know, I woke up and realised this isn't the life I want any more. And I don’t know how to get my life to be back where I want it. I just know I can’t face Peter later, can I please stay at yours tonight?”
“Of course you can.” Michelle placed a comforting hand on the other woman’s arm.
Carla had thought when she next saw Michelle she'd be gushing about Lisa to the point Michelle would grow tired and tease her endlessly. Yet here she was talking to Michelle about Peter, not having once mentioned Lisa.
“Right, I best be getting back to work. See you later.” Carla gave her best friend a kiss on the cheek and made her exit. The factory owner sent a quick text to Sarah telling her the meeting was going on longer than expected and asking if she could hold down the fort for a bit longer.
Carla sat at the police station, waiting on the same blue chair she had done while waiting for Lisa to talk about the moment, their moment.
Nothing feels right. Not without you.
If Lisa didn’t remember then she would just have to recreate their romance again, Carla decided.
She would find Lisa in need of comfort and she would be the person to finally ask her if she was okay.
She would give Betsy work experience at the factory. She would run around with Lisa finding Betsy the multiple times she got herself into trouble. Betsy would accuse them of being in a relationship and they’d laugh it off.
She would invite Lisa out for drinks. Several nights in a row.
They would flirt.
They would flirt a lot.
She would put herself in danger, so Lisa could rescue her. She would-
Carla shook her head realising the recklessness of her thoughts. She was getting carried away. Intentionally put herself in harms way? Do the very thing she told Lisa to not do?
Before she could think too hard about where her mind had taken her, Lisa approached and the brunette stood up out of the chair. Their eyes met and Carla’s face lit up but dropped just as fast. All she saw on Lisa’s face was indifference. The taller woman’s mouth went dry as she found she no longer knew what she wanted to say, her mind switching between the Lisa standing in front of her to thoughts of her Lisa looking at her like she hung the stars and all she wanted to do in that moment was curl up in her bed and cry.
“Mrs Barlow, were you hoping for an update on your case?” Lisa, no, DS Swain asked her and all Carla could do was nod. It sounded so wrong hearing Lisa call her that.
“I’m afraid we’ve not got any new information at this time. As I mentioned before, we no longer think the robbery at Underworld is linked to our other string of robberies and that case has to take priority, given their reoccurrence. Sorry.”
“No it’s fine, I get it. You’re very busy, you’re doing your best. I get it.”
Lisa gave Carla a small smile and a nod of her head. Carla wished she could stay with her and make her smile even bigger. She wished Lisa would tell her that this was all some misunderstanding and she does remember. She wished that she could give Lisa true love’s kiss and wake her up from this curse.
After a few moments Lisa spoke up breaking Carla out of her thoughts. “If that's everything I've really got to get back to work.”
Carla felt the cogs turning in her head, desperately trying to prolong the conversation. Carla blurted out the first thing she could think of that wouldn’t scare the other woman off. “You don’t think the cases are linked right? It doesn’t fit the pattern? But what if they’ve changed their pattern because they know you’re onto them.”
Lisa thought about the suggestion for a moment, “I’ll bear that possibility in mind.”
Silence fell on them again and it was clear Carla couldn’t think of anything else to say to keep the blonde talking to her.
“I really do have to be getting back to work,” Lisa said finally.
“Okay.”
They had one last look at each other. Carla looked at Lisa like she was the most important person in the world & it made Lisa's heart flutter. Lisa looked at Carla like she was nothing more than her latest case & it made Carla’s heart rip in two.
Lisa turned to walk away. Carla reached out to Lisa but stopped herself before their hands met. She watched as Lisa left. Don't leave me.
That evening at Michelle's, Carla had done everything she could to steer the conversation away from her life, or rather the life of the person she was now living as. Michelle had been reluctant to drop their early conversation but she did so anyway, just for tonight. Carla desperately needed the distraction and was glad to have some normalcy, drinking wine with her best friend and listening to her go on about the latest in her life.
Throughout the night she'd had a few calls from Peter. She rejected each one. She wouldn't know what to say. Not yet.
Eventually, he gave up with calling and sent her a text instead.
Ignore me all you want but you could have had the decency to pick up to wish our daughter goodnight.
Carla’s grip tightened on her phone. Daughter!?