Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Inej jerked herself awake, breath coming in short pants as she pressed a hand to her mouth to quiet herself. Tears were trying to leak down her cheeks, but she held them back. She was in Kaz’s room, in his bed while he was asleep on a pile of blankets on the floor. She’d been too tired to walk back to her room after they’d discussed a mission and Kaz had snapped at her to lie down in his bed and he’d take the floor.

She didn’t even hear him get up, only saw him suddenly standing in front of her, blinking away sleepy confusion. He walked away, and Inej had to choke back a whimper at the thought of being alone, but Kaz returned just as quick, now donning his leather gloves. He pulled the twisted sheets away from her legs without a word and Inej hesitantly laid back down. Kaz tucked the blanket around her body and drew something out of his blanket fort on the floor before handing it to her.

It was a small, ragged, gray stuffed elephant. She giggled wetly, taking the childish toy and pressing it to her chest as Kaz drew another blanket over her body and tucked that one in too. Her eyes drifted closed as Kaz took a seat by the bed.

“Rest, Inej.” He finally rasped. “I’ll keep watch.”

When she woke up the next morning, Kaz was asleep in his seat. She silently got up, placing the elephant in his lap before leaving his room to get dressed for the day.

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Jesper was too tired to keep moving. Kaz was ahead of him, leading them on and away from the warehouse they’d escaped from after being kidnapped and then killing all the people in there. Jesper had taken the brunt of the chemical that had knocked them out, and his body was responding too sluggishly. He fell behind, but Kaz, without even turning around, just slowed his pace.

He’d finally collapsed to the ground about 2 streets away from the Crow Club. His limbs were shaking, and it took Kaz a few paces for him to realize that Jesper was no longer following him. Half of Jesper expected him to keep on walking, wait in his office for Jesper to eventually turn back up and then yell at him for being late. But Kaz simply backtracked and stood next to Jesper’s crumpled form until Jesper could manage to get his feet back under himself.

He collapsed again when they were only a street away, and he might have imagined it, but Kaz’s face looked worried when he came back the second time. Jesper tried to stand back up, to not let Kaz think of him as weak, but Kaz moved his cane to prevent Jesper from getting up.

Jesper’s eyes blurred with tears, because this was it. Kaz Brekker had finally seen that Jesper wasn’t worth all the trouble and was just going to leave him, sprawled on the floor, weak and pathetic.

“Jesper.” Kaz’s raspy voice snapped and Jesper looked up at him. “Stay down, you are too weak to continue on.”

Jesper nodded, bowing his head. Even he himself had to recognize that even if he managed to actually stand up, there was no way he was taking even one step forwards without falling. Hurt welled in his chest, sadness and hurt and exhaustion.

“You idiot,” Kaz muttered, crouching down next to him. Jesper looked over at him with confused, half-lidded eyes. “I’m not leaving you here, Jes.”

Jesper nodded, thoughts too muddled to do much else.

Kaz dragged a gloved hand down his face, sitting down fully and drawing Jesper’s head to lay in his lap. “Go to sleep, Jesper. Inej will find us, and I’m still going to be here when you wake up.”

Jesper let out a confused, sleepy noise as his overtired brain recognized the permission to sleep. He didn’t want to; he didn’t want to let himself be vulnerable in front of Kaz Brekker, but he was fighting a losing battle, and darkness soon encompassed his vision.

When he woke up, he was in Kaz’s bed, with the man himself still carding one of his hands through Jesper’s hair.

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Nina elbowed the man who tried to grab her breasts, shoving him out of her way as she tried to leave. Another man grabbed her buttocks, and she shrieked several octaves higher than normal, trying to wiggle away. Several were drunk; very intoxicated and didn’t really know any better, and she didn’t want to draw any attention to herself by using her powers, but most of the men groping her were stone-cold sober.

“Ah, gentlemen.” The voice of none other than Kaz Brekker filled the alley and the men all exchanged confused glances as Nina caught her breath, scowling at one of them who was still staring at her. “It seems you’ve found my wife. Terribly sorry, I must have lost track of her a while back. You know how women can be.”

Nina wanted to smack him, and she was about to say something rude, but then she realized what he was doing when the men nodded in agreement. He doesn’t actually mean it , she realized. He’s trying to save me .

“Well, I hope you know we want a piece of the prize for finding her, Sir.” One of the sober ones leered, licking his lips.

Brekker stepped into the light and gave them a sympathetic look. “My friend is actually paying for a round tonight, but I’ll keep this favor in mind if we ever do business again. Besides, this is such a public place, I wouldn't want her screaming for help or anything.” They laughed; Brekker’s laugh was pitched a bit different, and a bit more dangerous. “We wouldn’t want anyone else taking a turn, now would we.” He said, pretending to wipe a tear from his eye. “Dear, come to me. I wouldn’t want you to get lost again.”

Nina took the cue and hurried over, putting up a mask of half-hidden fear and apologizing quietly, but not so quiet that the men couldn’t hear. Brekker grabbed her arm, and it must have looked rough from their perspective because several of the men cooed at her, but Brekker’s gloved fingers were surprisingly gentle as he pretended to drag her away and she pretended to stumble to keep up with him. She noticed the men duck into allies as they followed them back, probably trying to make sure Brekker was telling the truth, and the pair kept up the charade until they made it to the now-empty Crow Club, Brekker locking the door behind them. Nina sighed when they were finally alone, sagging in relief.

“Thank you,” She said gratefully. “I’ll wait a bit for them to leave and then-”

“Nonsense.” Brekker interrupted, waving her off. “Sleep in my bed, I have work to do anyway.”

It was a lie, and Nina could see that without even using her powers, but the way Brekker put it, he sounded genuinely concerned for her, so she agreed and followed him up to his room. He gave her a spare set of his pajamas and even got extra blankets for her when she shivered with just one covering her.

He left the room and went into his conjoined office with an offer for her to call if she needed him. She burrowed into the bed before pausing when her arm touched something fuzzy. She dragged the thing out and smiled, gently smoothing down the fur of Brekker’s stuffed elephant. She didn’t want to make the little guy ruffled if she slept with him, so she placed him on Brekker’s bedside table.

And if she woke up with the elephant tucked into her arms and Brekker asleep in a pile of blankets on the floor next to her? Well, that was between her and the elephant.

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Matthias hated the fact that the Demjin seemed to notice his trouble instantly. Matthias had been staying at the Crow Club for simplicity’s sake, and he’d taken to sleeping in a large closet with only one blanket between the floor and his body. He didn't dare ask for a bed; despite the fact that he’d been free of the Ice Court for weeks now, he still had the lingering fear of asking for something and then being beaten bloody for the audacity to demand things.

The Demjin approached him one night as he was making his way to his sad excuse for a bedroom.

“Follow me, Helvar.” The Demjin ordered, and though he put a scowl on his face, his heart hammered anxiously in his chest. What did Brekker want with him?

Matthias followed him to his office, and then through a door towards the back of it that he’d never really taken note of before. When he saw that there was a bedroom on the other side, his heart skipped a beat and he skidded to a stop.

“What…what do you want?” He managed to snap as much as possible.

“You are not sleeping well.” Brekker said casually, fixing up the ruffled sheets of his bed and moving something small and gray into his bedside drawer. “Yet you will not ask for a proper bed.”

“Where are you going with this?” Matthias’ voice came out weaker than he intended, and the Demjin turned to give him a raised-eyebrow look. Matthias gulped as nonchalantly as he dared.

“You will sleep here for the night, and I will order you a bed and clean out a spare room for you, if you’d like.” 

This is a trick , Matthias’ mind hissed. He wants to taunt you with something just to take it away and laugh in your face .

Brekker turned away as he continued speaking. “I know what it’s like in the Ice Court, and your circumstances were most likely… far less than ideal. But here, you are a Crow, and Crows get beds, and nobody gets to hold things over your head except me. And I am offering this to you. Do you really think I’d offer you something like this just to taunt you?”

“I…No?” Matthias said, mind short-circuiting

Brekker still did not face him, hands fidgeting with his cane. “Food, clothes, shelter, and beds are all non-negotiable. I will hold your relationship with Zenik over your head until the day we die, but at the end of the day, you will rest easy knowing you are no longer in prison. We are not your guards, we are your… colleagues .” Brekker turned around but did not look him in the eye. “I will not come back into this room until seven bells tomorrow morning. Sleep on the floor if you don’t believe me, but nobody will disturb you.” With that, the Demjin dramatically sauntered out of the room, leaving Matthias to stare at the comfortable-looking bed offered to him.

The next day would find Matthias holding back tears as Brekker showed him around his new room.

Chapter Text

Wylan had to earn everything. He earned his place in the Crows by building bombs, he earned his place with Jesper by being a good boyfriend, and he earned his place at the dining table each night after meetings and tough missions by doing a good job.

But he hadn’t done a good job that night, is the thing. Inej had gotten injured, and she, Jesper, Nina, and Matthias decided to stay at the old Crow Club for the night, leaving Wylan and Kaz at the new Crow Club. Wylan denied Kaz’s offer of food, knowing that it was just a test to see if he knew his place. He sat at the table well after Kaz had probably gone to bed, drawing maps of Ketterdam from varying angles and writing new labels for his chemicals. He tried to write them like a normal person would, tried to read the Kerch labels already on them, but he only succeeded in making frustrated tears roll down his cheeks. His throat hurt with the effort of not crying too loudly and waking Kaz; his throat hurt because he was hungry but he hadn’t done anything to deserve dinner, quite the opposite, in fact.

He was startled around midnight when the floorboards creaked and he looked up to see Kaz standing menacingly in the doorway, peering at the table full of half-hearted attempts at writing labels and maps ruined by teardrops staining them. Kaz then looked up and Wylan knew the moment Kaz saw his red eyes and wet cheeks.

“What are you still doing awake, Merchling?” Kaz asked, voice deeper and making it clear he’d just woken up.

“I-I’m sorry, I’ll clean it-” As he spoke, Wylan began to shuffle the papers into a pile, but a gloved hand stopped him and he startled, nearly knocking over one of his chemicals.

“That is not what I asked.” Kaz said slowly, face giving away nothing as he gave a closer inspection to Wylan’s handwriting. “And what is this?”

“I-I-” Wylan cut himself off with a choked sob. He scrubbed his hands over his eyes.

“ Merchling ,” Kaz crouched down in front of him after turning Wylan’s chair to the side. “Were you doing this because you thought you weren’t allowed to sleep?”

Wylan nodded, hiccuping as he tried to shut himself up because he was just making the punishment worse. He’d woken Kaz up, he’d failed at writing, he’d ruined his maps-

“ Wylan !” Kaz snapped, and Wylan jerked in his seat. “Wylan… you need to take a deep breath. You’re hyperventilating. Come on, now, you know how to breathe, Wylan -” 

(It would occur to Wylan later that Kaz was scared.)

Wylan failed at that, too. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath, and his panicked panting only grew worse when Kaz lifted him up bridal-style and carried him upstairs. He was really in for it now.

His sobbing grew frantic when he realized Kaz had brought him into a bedroom. He was so tired, but he knew Kaz was just doing this to taunt him. He’d done terribly today, and nothing he could say would improve Kaz’s mood, and he was going to be punished even more for crying. His father’s chiding voice echoed in his skull, scolding him for crying when he was just being taught a lesson for his disobedience -

He froze, sobs and breaths stopping entirely when he was set on the bed. He stared at Kaz with wide eyes, terrified even though he knew Kaz wouldn’t , he wouldn’t he wouldn’t do that he said he wouldn’t but Wylan had been so bad today and his dad had said the same thing but he was so bad and now he was going to be-

Hugged?

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, Wylan. I’m not going to hit you, you’re safe here, I’m sorry-” Kaz was murmuring, gently brushing his ruddy curls from his face, which was pressed against Kaz’s chest. Wylan was half-laying on him, and Kaz was sitting firmly on the bed, yet loose enough that he had to be conscious about how he was sitting. Wylan sniffled, realizing how fast his breathing was and how much his chest hurt.

“‘m sorry.” He choked out, trying to pull away, but Kaz just dragged him closer, pressing a light kiss to his red curls.

“Shh, you’re okay, you didn’t do anything wrong.” Kaz leaned back slightly and grabbed something before setting it in Wylan’s lap. Wylan, confused, picked the thing up and realized it was a soft elephant stuffed animal. His cries hitched when he realized this was the first time since his mother died that he’d held a comfort toy like this. And not only that, but Kaz had given him a comfort toy to make him feel better. Kaz was hugging him, soothing him, rocking their bodies back and forth and holding him despite the fact that Kaz didn’t really like to be touched.

Wylan curled up in Kaz’s lap, feeling a gloved hand tuck a blanket around his shoulders and begin rubbing up and down his back. Despite his best efforts, Wylan’s eyes slipped closed and his breathing evened out into sleep.

When he woke up, he was still being held by Kaz, and Kaz was still rubbing a hand up and down his back.

Chapter Text

Kaz knew his Crows had noticed something was wrong; they’d taken note of his handwriting growing messier, his need for coffee getting stronger, his eye bags getting more pronounced, his yawns getting longer, his steps becoming stumbles. But they don’t know the truth of the matter, which is that Kaz hasn’t slept in nearly six days.

His elephant is missing. And it’s so stupid, but he can’t sleep without it. He ends up lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling for hours, thoughts running through his head as he tries to remember where he could possibly be, but the longer he goes without sleep, the harder it is to think during these times. The Saints know he’s tried, but his heart hammers in his chest anxiously, and his thoughts grow so loud he can barely hear how fast his breaths become until he has to rush to the bathroom and throw up his dinner.

His elephant is named JR; after Jordie Rietveld. JR has been with him for a very long time. Jordie had given him the toy when they first got to Ketterdam, and Kaz had him tucked in his coat when he woke up in the Reapers’ Barge. JR has been with him since he was nine, for Saints sake, and he’s slept with him almost every night since then. The only nights he hasn’t have been because one of the Crows was in his bed, and they’d been sleeping with him, but even then, Kaz rested easy knowing JR was in safe hands. But now; now JR could be anywhere, and Kaz might never see him ever again, and that thought burns through his veins when he tries to lay his head down to sleep. It feels like he’s lost Jordie a second time.

On the morning of the sixth day, he stumbles his way into the kitchen, blinking blearily, yawning and rubbing at his eyes with his free hand. He makes the blackest coffee he is able to and is about to take a sip when he realizes that the chatter around him has grown silent. He turns around and is met with the faces of all his Crows.

Jesper winces. “Jeez, Kaz, you look terrible.”

Matthias elbows him. “I told you.” The Fjerdan hisses. “Why else would I ask you to come here?”

“You asked him to come here?” Kaz asks as someone takes his coffee from him. He doesn’t have the energy to argue, he’s too tired and he just wants his toy returned to him.

“Yes, because you are not acting right and I felt you were less likely to attack me if there were witnesses.” Matthias says bluntly as Kaz teeters on his feet. Inej, who is now standing next to him, catches him when he collapses.

“Saints, Kaz, why won’t you just go to bed?” Nina’s question is the final straw and Kaz bursts into tears. They drip down his cheeks as he wails pathetically, scrambling for purchase against Inej’s jacket as she lowers them both to the ground. Kaz turns to bury his face in her shirt, breathing in the familiar scent as he cries.

“-at’s wrong-”

“-on’t kn-”

“-ever done-”

“-lankets?”

“-ired, needs sl-”

Kaz ignores the concerned voices around him and focuses only on Inej as she rubs a hand up and down his sleeve-covered arm in time with her breathing until he’s no longer on the verge of fainting.

“Shut up.” Somebody hisses, but Kaz doesn’t think it’s directed at him. He’s mostly in Inej’s lap, who is sitting criss-cross on the floor with her posture in what has to be the most uncomfortable position ever. He blinks tearily up at her.

“I want to sleep.” He whispers hoarsely to her. “‘m so tired, ‘nej. I just want to sleep.”

“Why can’t you?” Inej asks, drawing shapes on his arm.

“I can’t find him.” Kaz responds, still in a whisper. “I can’t sleep without him and he’s gone.”

“The elephant?” Inej’s question makes the whispered chatter shut up instantly. “Where did you last have him?”

“I don’t know!” Kaz cries, a fresh set of tears cascading down his flushed face. “I’ve looked and I’ve tried to remember but I don’t know!”

“Okay,” Inej says softly. “Okay, that’s okay. Wylan and Jesper went to go find him, but do you think Matthias can carry you to the couch so that you can sleep while they find him?”

Kaz only hums, and Matthias takes that as permission to heft Kaz’s smaller body into his arms and carry him to the living room, depositing him on the couch and into Nina’s lap, who had settled down before him. The back of his head rests against her chest and his legs are spread across the rest of the couch. Inej lifts them before crawling onto the couch and letting his legs rest across her lap. Matthias sits down, leaning against the couch, head turned up to look at Nina and him.

“I wan’ him back.” Kaz whines pathetically, raspy voice cracking halfway through.

“I know, love. We’ll find him.” Nina says softly, petting his hair. Kaz whimpers when sleep pulls at his eyelids, but Inej starts to hum a soft lullaby in her native language and sleep crashes into him.

When something is pressed against his chest, he whines. But Jesper’s soft hushes soothe him enough to peek his eyes open. JR is safely against his chest, and Kaz squeezes him tighter. Jesper and Wylan smile down at him as he falls back asleep.