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Eddie is in Texas.
He’d left Buck in his review mirror not even a week ago and Buck feels like he can’t breathe. He’d done his best to support his best friend, to help him look for a house that would suit his and Chris needs, close to their his kids’ school and not far from a firehouse in El Paso that was willing to take him on sooner rather than later. He’d helped Eddie pack his and Chris’ things in boxes and hadn’t even shed a tear while getting the boxes of Chris’ old children’s things from storage, the ones filled with books and knick-knacks that Buck had bought for the boy.
He didn’t know what he was expecting, but he really didn’t think Eddie would actually move. All throughout acting as the helpful best friend there was a feeling of disconnection, like there was no way Eddie would actually leave him LA behind and go back to Texas. But he did.
There was no intervention from their mutual friends, no concerned family member who talked Eddie out of it. Chris didn’t suddenly start talking to his dad (or him) again and decide to come home. The sale of the Diaz home in LA was smooth, the furniture and boxes fit perfectly in the U-Haul trailer Eddie had rented. There was no major emergency that Eddie had to help out with, nobody got hurt and made Eddie delay his plans. Eddie drove out of LA with no issue. The streets didn’t collapse, he didn’t suddenly get hit by an eighteen wheeler that proved as a sign from the universe that leaving LA was a bad idea.
For once in their lives absolutely nothing went wrong.
Eddie left for Texas with nothing to worry about.
And Buck broke down in tears as soon as Eddie turned the corner away from the house he had just sold and emptied. The house that Buck loved with all his heart, that contained his happiest memories, where he proved to Eddie and Chris that he was there for them always. The house that felt like the first home he ever had, where he always felt welcome no matter the time or day. The house filled with laughter and excited screams, the one he spent the last seven years leaving his mark in. His home that he never was a resident of, but always felt a part of. The warm home that was now only the empty shell of a house, left behind first by Chris and then by Eddie, neither one of them thinking about how they were leaving Buck behind as they turned their backs on it and strode forward into their futures without him.
A few hours later, when Buck did his last round of the house, taking pictures of every corner of the house like that would help him keep his home alive, before the new owners would start bringing in their own stuff, he looked out his the kitchen window and saw the flowers Chris had planted in honour of his mother a few years ago.
Shannon loved flowers, but she especially loved sunflowers. She had grown to love them by virtue of them being her own mother’s favourite flower too.
Now the sunflowers that were planted in memory of her were wilting.
Buck understood.
….
He didn’t know how he even came up with the idea of visiting the place he was standing in front of now.
He felt so lonely, day after day spending shifts without Eddie by his side, knowing he wasn’t just on medical leave or vacation. His free time wasn’t filled with laughter of the kid he secretly loved as his own or the man he trusted more than he had ever trusted anyone else. His loft was empty and quiet.
Eddie was busy settling into his new house and starting to rebuild his relationship with his son, so the texts were rare and usually just random updates on which room he had fully unpacked.
Chris hadn’t really texted Buck in weeks. Buck thought he had prepared himself enough for the teenage years, reading up on blogs and in parenting books he would never admit to anyone he had picked up from the book store, how important it was to give teenagers the freedom to grow and become more independent. He was prepared to become the glorified taxi driver for Chris and his friends, was prepared to be there to listen whenever the teen might dare to ask for advice without butting in where he wasn't needed or wanted. He would have been happy to reduce the amount of family Buckley- Diaz dinners so Chris would have more time to spend with people his own age, even if it would break his own heart.
What Buck hadn’t been prepared for was Chris walking out of the Diaz home one day to go join his grandparents in Texas and then never coming back home. He wasn’t expecting to be essentially ghosted by the boy he adored with all his heart, to only get a text every once in a while with short responses.
He missed Chris and Eddie more than words could explain. So he went to the one person he thought might be able to understand, even if she would never respond.
“Hi Shannon.” he started. “I brought you some sunflowers. Sorry they’re not the ones Chris planted. I would’ve brought those if I could have.” Tears started streaming down his face.
“I don’t know how to do this without them.”
…..
It became habit. Once a week he would get sunflowers from a local flower shop and make the drive to the cemetery Shannon was buried in.
He told no one. Due to his schedule at work, it was rarely ever the same day every week. But he spent at least an hour every week talking to Shannon, always bringing flowers with him.
He’d make sure she wasn’t forgotten. Not like he was.
….
“Chris hasn’t texted me in three weeks. Usually he’d at least react to a silly video or picture or fact I’d send. He hasn’t though.” he shrugged.
“I know he’s your and Eddie’s son but I hope that it’s okay that I love him like my own.”
He let out a strangled sob.
“Even if he never loves me like a parent, I will always love him like he’s my kid. He can ignore me for years and even then I’ll jump at the chance to help him out if he ever needs it. I promise you.”
….
“We had a rough shift today and I drove all the way to Eddie’s house on autopilot afterwards. I only realised what I was doing when I saw a strange car in his driveway.” he paused. “Not really his driveway anymore is it?” he asked quietly, voice shaking with sadness.
….
“Eddie sent me a picture of him and Chris spending time together today! I’m really happy for them.” he told Shannon with a sad smile. “It’s the first time he’s texted me in like a week.”
….
“How did you do it?” he questioned with tears in his eyes, full body shaking in grief and anger. “How could you possibly leave the two of them behind? For two years?? I don’t understand.”
He heaved a breath. “I feel like I’m dying every single day that I know they’re not around. How in the world did you survive two years without them?”
….
“Ravi and I did a rope rescue together today. I kept thinking… like feeling Eddie with me the entire time. But then he’d speak and reality would come crashing in again.” he said.
“It’s not fair to Ravi, he’s a great guy and amazing firefighter. He deserves better than me as a partner.” he confessed.
….
“Chris texted me yesterday asking if I could bring you some flowers. I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. I just agreed. Didn’t have the heart to tell him that I’m already talking to you every single week. I’m glad they’re not forgetting you Shannon.” he told her with a bitter smile.
….
“Why did you have to die?” he demanded from the cold stone in front of him, his voice way louder than he intended.
“None of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t fucking died.” he sobbed loudly.
….
The week after that he barely said anything.
“I’m sorry.” he said as he lay down a bouquet that was bigger than usual.
“I know you didn’t want to die and leave them behind again.”
…
“… and then Chim insisted on doing the dishes to prove that he wasn’t that hurt and I swear he broke about every plate that was in the sink.” he told her with a laugh. “Work was okay today.” he confessed quietly.
….
“It’s been two months since he left and I think I’m starting to get used to not seeing Eddie at work. It scares me.” he confessed. “I don’t ever want to get used to a life without him in it.”
….
“I think we would’ve been great friends you know?” he said one day, the afternoon sun shining down on the grave in front of him, making it all see more magical than it probably was.
“I’d like to think that no matter what would have happened between you and Eddie, we would have become friends. We both love him and Chris too much to not get along.” he explained.
“I wish I had known you Shannon.”
….
“I know I should go back to therapy. But my therapist will just make me deal with all this pain and help me move on. Shannon? I don’t think I want to move on.”
….
“I keep thinking… if you’d lived do you think that I still would’ve been as close to them as I was? I think maybe if you’d been around Eddie wouldn’t have needed me as much.” he thought out loud.
“So I guess I’m very sorry you died. But I’m very thankful for the chance to get to know Eddie and Chris as well as I have. I’m so thankful I get to love them and keep them in my heart forever. Even if they forget about me, I won’t ever forget about my seven years with them.”
……
“I haven’t accidentally driven by Eddie’s old house in a whole month Shannon!” he told her excitedly. “I think I’m getting better at remembering they’re not here anymore, even subconsciously.”
He paused for a few minutes.
“Is it bad that I hate it?”
….
“I brought my niece to the zoo with me the other day. The person at the register must have recognized me because they asked for my family pass.” he sniffed. “I forgot I still had that. A family pass. How silly of me.”
…..
“Found out from Hen today that Chris has moved in with Eddie in his house in El Paso and that they’re doing weekly game nights together. I didn’t stay around once she realised that I didn’t know about any of that.”
…..
“I considered them my family you know? Even if they never saw it that way they were my family. And I guess I could try and start my own family with someone else but… I don’t know how to have kids without Chris being one of them. I don’t even think I know how to have a family without Eddie there.”
The silence of the cemetery was more comfortable than the one in his loft.
“I’m in love with him, aren’t I?”
….
“I think I hate your in-laws. I have heard stories over the years about how they act and I just… I don’t think I can ever forgive them for how they hurt you and Eddie. I don’t think I can ever forgive them for taking them away from me.”
…..
“Hey Shannon.” he started. “I realised this week that you’re the only other person who was in love with Eddie and then left behind by him. I’m sorry that you had to go through that. It’s probably the worst feeling in the world.”
….
“It’s been three months and I still love them with all my heart. I hope it’s okay I keep showing up. I miss them so much and I think you’re the only person who understands that. If I were to tell anyone else they’d just pity me.”
….
“I hate my stupid loft. Maddie keeps asking why I don’t just move out. I don’t know how to tell her that it’s the only space I have left where I can still sometimes feel them.”
….
“I found out that a local garden center does gardening courses and lets you rent out a piece of garden for yourself to plant stuff. It’s super fun. I promise I’ll plant sunflowers for you as soon as I can.”
…
“Today at work we had a jumper. He was inconsolable because the love of his life, his best friend recently told him he’d gotten engaged. Do you think Eddie’s dating?”
He let out a heavy breath.
“I think, as happy as I want him to be, I think maybe I don’t want to hear about it. I don’t want to hear about some woman being the perfect match to him, someone who cooks him his favourite meals, who learns the family recipes just like I did. Someone who Chris learns to love and accept as a parental figure. I think maybe that would break me.”
…..
“Apparently my parents suddenly remembered that I have a trust fund. I think it’s because I seemed so miserable last time they visited, so they’re throwing the money at me because they don’t know what to do with it.” he explained with a shrug.
“I could buy a house.”
He could buy more than just a house. It was more money than he ever thought he’d have.
“I think it’d just become a mausoleum of the life I always hoped I’d one day live with Eddie and Chris. So it’s better I stay where I am.”
…..
“It’s not fair. I heard from Eddie this week. He sounded happier, freer. He said Chris and him are doing well. I’m so happy for them. But it’s not fair. It’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair, it’s not fair……”
…..
“Bobby and Athena had a house-warming party yesterday. It was beautiful. Everyone was there with their families…” his voice broke on the last word and he started sobbing loudly.
…..
“I hate that I’m learning how to live around the hole in my chest. That I’m used to weeks of no or barely any contact. I think everyone believes I’m okay now and I’m scared of letting them know otherwise.”
…..
“Lucy came by last week. It was fun until she asked me where my other half was. I don’t-..” and then he was crying again.
….
“I used to think that gaining custody of Chris in the event of Eddie’s death would be horrible because it would mean losing Eddie. Now I don’t have either one of them. I’m glad they have each other.”
He patted the cold stone in front of him.
“I guess I’ll just have you from now on.”
….
It was a regular Thursday afternoon when he was turning away from Shannon’s grave to go back to his cold and empty loft that he saw Pepa walk towards him.
She looked just as surprised as he was. “Buck?”
He gave her a small smile. “Yeah. Good to see you Pepa.”
“What are you doing here?” she asked. “Did Chris ask you to bring Shannon flowers too?”
So now he wasn’t even the go to person to bring Shannon flowers anymore. Cool.
He quickly shook his head. “No.”
This only confused her. “Then why are you here? Are you the one that has been leaving her all these flowers?”
He shrugged. “Yeah, I try to come by every week. I just didn’t want her to feel like she was being forgotten, you know?”
He noticed the heartbroken and understanding expression in her eyes.
“Anyways, gotta go. Have a nice day!” he hurried and quickly made his way back to his car.
He could feel her eyes on his back the whole way.