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Thorfinn remembered exactly when it began. When his life took yet another nosedive, but this time it was more absurd than anything else.
It was right after he'd told Einar about Askeladd and finally admitted out loud that he no longer hated the man, despite the fact that he'd turned him into a tiny murder creature.
They'd been walking through the forest, and Einar had said more encouraging words, going off on a whole speech really, and then, Thorfinn felt his eyes drift, experiencing, in a rare moment, peace, but then he saw...
Askeladd.
And he almost tripped awkwardly over a tree root sticking out of the ground.
Askeladd was standing amongst the trees like he wasn't long dead and buried somewhere. But then Thorfinn blinked, and he was gone again, and he knew that it had to be his mind merely playing tricks on him. It was probably as Einar had said, that his heart hadn't dealt properly with it yet. He accepted it as his brain doing its weird trauma thing, letting it do what it needed, and moved on, telling himself it was fine.
But then it happened again. And again.
Askeladd was always far away, yet still too close. Close enough to be impossible for him not to notice.
Sometimes Thorfinn would only see his back; other times he'd see his face, and he'd recognize that stupid look on his face. It was apparently etched so deeply into his mind, that grin that meant, "I know something that you don't." And old emotions welled up in Thorfinn when he first saw it; first there was a small flinch of old emotions. Nostalgia? A bit. But mostly annoyance and nearly uncontainable irritation, this time it was just less... stabby.
The man sure loved being a persistent pain in Thorfinn's ass, even after his death. He was sure the real Askeladd, in whatever afterlife there was, was laughing at him.
"What's wrong?" Einar asked after Thorfinn had let out a loud sigh at one of these moments. For a moment he'd forgotten that he was supposed to be pushing the heavy plow. He'd just stopped in the middle of the field and let out the deepest sigh he’d ever heard come from the man, which said a lot.
Thorfinn's eyes widened, realizing his mistake. He hadn't told Einar about seeing Askeladd yet, and he probably wouldn't. After all, what better way to say "I'm losing my mind" than to say "I keep seeing the man I tried to kill for eleven years smiling at me out of the corner of my eye; nothing strange about that, right?”
He wouldn't admit it. He was still in denial about it. He was not crazy... yet.
"Thorfinn." Einar called again, tilting his head a bit more at Thorfinn's persistent silence.
"Oh, um... it's nothing, just a bit tired." Thorfinn answered, and Einar nodded, saying something about how Thorfinn had been very loud that night and that he was tired too because he'd woken him up again. He stopped listening halfway because Askeladd appeared again, closer than ever this time, and his grin was a bit wider.
It was as if he was mocking him, and if this Askeladd was mocking him, that meant that his mind was mocking him.
This was taking "I hate myself" to new lengths...
One day Thorfinn got up earlier than Einar. He'd asked for just five minutes more, and who was Thorfinn to drag him out of the straw?… So he went to the well as always, pouring the water into the pan to wash his face. Even Arnheid wasn't by the well yet, which was rare, but any thought about his friends disappeared when he raised his head.
And there he was, leaning against the stone of the well like he belonged there, his chin in the palm of his hand, his eyes on the same level as Thorfinn's.
Thorfinn did nothing more than stare, blinking at the man.
"Hey there, Thorfinn."
Oh no, he talked as well.
One thing was seeing Askeladd in between the trees of the forest, leaning against a far-off fence or standing on the horizon. He could live with that. He could ignore it and write it off as his imagination and trauma, but this? This was too much.
"What? Not even a "hello" after all this time?" He asked, and Thorfinn just blinked again, hoping it would be like the other times when Askeladd disappeared in the short moment it took him to open his eyes again.
But he was persistent, like he was waiting for something.
Was he even supposed to engage? If he gave in to this insanity, wouldn't he just appear more often, and then at one point in the future, he'd walk around, a complete lunatic, looking like he was talking to thin air? So instead he dunked his head in the freezing water repeatedly.
He heard Askeladd laugh at him, clearly entertained, and by the time he came up for perhaps the fifth time, he heard groaning and rustling, sounding like an old man, coming from Einar's spot, but that was just how he sounded when he was getting up.
When Thorfinn raised his head again, Askeladd was gone. He hoped it was the last time, but knowing his kind of luck, this would probably become a daily phenomenon.
And it did... it happened. Every. Single. Day.
He continued to come up close, though Thorfinn was happy that his mind currently only tortured him with that when he was alone. It was like his mind was also mocking him, saying, "Are you lonely here all by yourself? Here's some company: the last person in the world that you'd ever want to spend more time with. Enjoy," but enjoy it he would not.
"What's going on in that mind of yours? You know, it is strange seeing you like this, this quiet and thoughtful." Askeladd—the vision, or ghost, or whatever Thorfinn had resigned himself to calling him—chuckled, chewing on a straw of wheat. "Back in the day you would’ve tried to stab me by now. I kind of miss the old you; you were so darn entertaining, like a feral kitten. Hiss! Hiss! Revenge! Revenge!"
"Leave."
"Oh?" Askeladd's eyes lit up when Thorfinn finally slipped and accidentally replied to the mockery. He groaned at his own mistake, burying his head in his hands, but now he'd done it; it was too late; he'd talked to him, so now there was probably no more harm in continuing to talk to him. He was resigning himself to the fact that he was going insane, that he would become the farm lunatic soon enough.
"Leave."
"No.'
"Please?" Now he'd really sunk down to the deepest depths, hadn't he?
"No."
"Askeladd—"
"Thorfinn." He cut him off, and Thorfinn clenched his teeth. Askeladd looked like he was on the brink of bursting into laughter again, but for some reason he held it back this time. "Poor you, you seriously don't get it."
"What don't I get?"
"If I tell you, it takes all the fun out of it." Askeladd answered him, and of course he'd say something like that. Thorfinn just groaned again and looked away, longing for the moment Einar returned, but even as the minutes passed Askeladd remained by his side, chuckling intermittently, and then, like a small child would to annoy their sibling, without rhyme or reason, he raised his hand and flicked Thorfinn's cheek with one of his fingers.
"Hey!" Thorfinn shouted at him, bringing a hand up to cover the spot. It was as if it had hurt. He'd gotten a chunk of his ear cut off without flinching, so a flick to the cheek was nothing; it was simply the action itself, and the fact that he'd already lost his mind to much that he was able to feel it like a physical touch, that was so offending.
Askeladd laughed again, this time as loudly and obnoxiously as Thorfinn remembered it. It was almost the exact same as the time he'd absolutely lost it, covered in blood in the snow after Thorkell had slaughtered everyone and then decided to join them. Thorfinn had been completely bewildered back then, but this time it came as less of a surprise.
"Oh, this is too good." Askeladd continued to laugh as he stood up, dusting off his clothes. They were not clothes that Thorfinn recognized, but he supposed his mind took certain artistic liberties.
"Finally leaving?"
Askeladd grinned, that chewed-up piece of wheat still stuck between his teeth. He didn't even answer Thorfinn, and unfortunately that gave Thorfinn the feeling that the answer to his question was very obvious.
"You’re not, are you?..."
"Of course not."
"Of course not..." Thorfinn groaned, closing his eyes, and he kept them closed. He knew Askeladd was already gone for now, but he heard the footsteps of another.
"Hey, Thorfinn, Were you just talking to someone?"
Thorfinn looked back at the spot Askeladd had just been sitting in. "No." He answered and shook his head, doing his best to get back to his usual self.
"Really? It just sounded like that. Sounded like a whole conversation too."
Wonderful, the "walking around and talking to thin air" lunacy was already beginning.
As more time passed by, Askeladd would start to appear amongst people as well, whereas, for a long time, he'd only been close when no one else was around, though he never tried to get Thorfinn's attention at times like those.
He'd be amongst a group of people, such as in the field or on the gravel paths. He'd sometimes pass by Thorfinn and Einar like it was the most normal thing in the world, not even looking up.
The first time that happened, Thorfinn had had to do a double check, unsure if it was truly Askeladd that had just passed by without a word. He'd just let out a quiet "uhhh." But luckily Einar was too focused on telling him about something sweet Arnheid had said to notice. Good for him; he had a pretty woman to talk to by the well, while Thorfinn had hallucinations of his old mortal enemy.
Thorfinn had grown more used to it, but the time that he was nearly a free man, he had accepted that the vision of Askeladd would probably follow him for the rest of his life. But then...
Thorfinn stood in front of Snake, his eyes full of hatred, while Thorfinn was sure that his were full of uncertainty. He didn't want to fight Snake, but he knew that it wasn't as simple as refusing to fight, because if he didn't fight him, Gardar would lose his life, and that was just something he couldn't allow to happen. But he couldn't move; he'd made an oath... could he really break it now? What would the outcome be?
He didn’t even notice the faint sound of footsteps, and didn’t notice Askeladd’s presence until his fist slammed down on Thorfinn’s shoulder.
"That's quite the predicament you're in, Thorfinn. Are you going to fight?"
He clenched his teeth and fists. He was used to it, but if he wouldn't have looked like a lunatic, he would've shoved the man off of him, scolding him for his poor timing.
"This fight is not for any personal grudge agreed. It's simply to help those in need. If you decide to fight, it's perfectly justifiable; then again, it isn't like that guy over there doesn't have a good reason of his own for fighting."
The words were convincing. It wasn't what he wanted, but although he hated to admit it to himself, Askeladd was right. Was it truly so bad if he used his strength to save another's life? He wouldn't kill Snake after all; he'd find a way to knock him out or immobilize him in some way; he had to.
He was just about to run at him when Snake spoke.
"That's right." Snake sneered, and for a moment Thorfinn thought nothing of it. He'd grown so used to Askeladd's constant fake presence that he didn't question his appearance here, though it was a bit strange that this was the first time he'd appeared beside him so close to someone else.
But then the words caught up to Thorfinn. Who was Snake replying to? His harsh eyes were still focused directly on Thorfinn, but it sounded like he'd agreed with what Askeladd was saying. No, that had to be a mistake.
"Snake... who are you... talking to?" Thorfinn asked quietly and hesitantly; this was a tense moment, and he was still fearful for Gardar's life, but he began to be just as fearful of whatever answer Snake would give him.
"Your friend there." Snake sneered again, clearly taking offense to what he clearly thought was a stupid and poorly timed question. As he answered him, he had for a moment pointed his sword in Askeladd's direction, although his eyes stayed fixed on Thorfinn.
No...
Thorfinn looked over his shoulder at Askeladd, seeing how he was smirking, and he grew a bit more aware of the weight on his shoulder.
No, no, no...
"This man?" Thorfinn asked, his eyes so wide that Snake almost faltered. It seemed like Thorfinn's fear made Snake a bit more wary of Askeladd. Although he shouldn't be, because only Thorfinn could see him, couldn't he? This was only in his head… Askeladd was dead and was definitely not here, leaning most of his weight against him. Askeladd was dead; he definitely hadn't been alive this whole time pretending to only be dead, pretending to be a hallucination.
"You there." Snake spoke to Askeladd directly, and Thorfinn's stop, act sank to his feet. No, it sank all the way down to the place in his dreams. "If you don't want me to cut you down, move. That still goes for you too, Thorfinn. This doesn't have to turn into a fight."
Askeladd chuckled. "Oh, how I'd love to see you try."
"Snake." Thorfinn said more forcefully than he had intended. "Can you see him?"
Snake blinked now, confused and a little put off by Thorfinn's questions and behavior. "What's wrong with you?"
"You can see him..." Thorfinn realized, to his own horror, slowly, menacingly, turning his head to look over his shoulder at Askeladd. "You."
"Me." The man grinned.
So much for an oath of non-violence; in this moment, he wanted to kill Askeladd. He just needed a knife—any knife, a steak knife, a butter knife, anything, no matter how dull or sharp; he'd find a way to murder Askeladd with it.
"Oh-ho! Now there's the Thorfinn I know so well; long time no see!" Askeladd suddenly cheered, seeing the look in Thorfinn's eyes change into something incredibly familiar to him, and it was Thorfinn's breaking point. turned and grabbed a hold of Askeladd's collar, dragging him down to his height.
"You bastard! You made me think I was losing my mind! You've been alive this whole time?!"
"I have. It took you long enough to notice. I thought for sure that you'd realize when I first touched you, but you were already so sure that you were losing your mind that you just accepted that as part of your mental decline. Wonderfully funny."
"Oh, I bet it was for you!"
"Hey—" Snake called out. His sword was almost completely lowered by this point. The scene in front of him was so beyond bizarre that he seemed to have forgotten that he was there to kill Gardar. It was the same for everyone else, that being Sverkel and Arnheid, who'd also never seen Thorfinn be so furious. Of course these people had no idea he had it in him, but that fury quickly turned on Snake, cutting him off.
"Shut up!" He shouted at the man before going straight back to interrogating Askeladd regarding his survival and the years-long mockery he'd endured of thinking he was slowly going insane.
"Hey, you brat, you only have yourself to blame."
"I only—?! What? This is all clearly your fault. You tricked me! It's even your fault that I'm a slave."
"No, it's not. You attacked King Canute all on your own."
"He was only the prince at the time, and I attacked him because you'd been stupid enough to let him stab you in the heart!"
"Wait, you attacked King Canu—" Snake muttered, barely following along, his sword completely lowered by now. But this time it was Askeladd that told the man to shut his mouth, because he and Thorfinn were "in the middle of something."
"And it was the lung, not the heart; that's why I survived." Askeladd continued, beginning to give the answers that Thorfinn wouldn't admit that he desperately needed and wanted.
"Like I give a shit! I'll kill you right here and now! Arnheid!" Thorfinn called out to his friend and watched as she flinched and took a step backwards; only then did he realize how he was acting. He had wanted to ask her to get him a knife, but he shook his head instead, giving up on the idea for now.
Gardar had been spared, thanks to Askeladd and his superior skills at talking his way out of those kinds of impossible situations—which only rarely ended with decapitation—and maybe because Snake was also still too stunned to have any fight in him. All of this was good, of course; nobody got any more hurt than they already were, but... Askeladd was really alive, and Thorfinn didn't know how to feel about that at all.
He especially didn't know how to feel when a few more truths revealed themselves when Einar returned from his chase with the guests, happy, though still a bit saddened—heartbroken—to know that Arnheid and Gardar were gone, riding towards the border. He took one look at Askeladd, who sat by the table in Sverkel's home, and what he said was, "Oh, we meet again."
Thorfinn's blood turned to ice.
"What. Do. You. Mean?" Thorfinn asked, pausing between each word to make it painfully obvious that he was still not... in the best of moods.
"What? What do I mean? His name is Lucius; you know, we've passed by him on the gravel paths sometimes. He and I had a conversation a while back. Nice guy." Einar shrugged.
"His name is Askeladd!"
"Ohhhh." Einar nodded, taking Thorfinn's very angry words for it. He just stared at the man he'd spoken to those few handful of times before it clicked. "Wait, what?"
"Askeladd." Thorfinn repeated the name to Einar. "The man who is stopped hating but who I've definitely begun hating again."
The sound of metal against wood made Thorfinn look at Askeladd. Their eyes met, and he looked down to see Askeladd dragging a knife across the table towards himself, away from Thorfinn. A wise choice.
"Your father's killer?"
"That's me." Askeladd raised a hand, as if in attendance.
"What?!" Einar shouted, and the whole house shook. He threw his hand up to pull at his auburn hair, looking like he would rip it out from the shock alone.
Thorfinn nodded. He was happy that someone else finally shared his contempt for the situation.
"That's amazing!" Einar continued, and Thorfinn nodded again.
"Yes, it's—" he froze. "Excuse me? Einar, w-what did you just say?" Thorfinn stuttered. There was no way he had heard him correctly; no way that Einar would think that Askeladd, the war-monger, the killer of fathers, coming back to life, was a good thing.
"Isn't it?" Einar was grinning, turning to Thorfinn. "I mean, know he—"
"Traumatized me beyond repair?" Thorfinn tried to finish Einar's sentence for him, hoping to give him a hint. He didn't catch on to Thorfinn's contempt, though, snapping his fingers and nodding, continuing cheerfully.
"Yeah, I mean, you've always said you felt lost after Askeladd died, but he's not dead, so maybe this will help you even more."
"That warms my heart." Askeladd said, a smug look on his face as he drank from a cup of water, and Einar grimaced.
"You're not helping your own case."
"I’m well aware." Askeladd nodded.
"Well, anyways, I'm not saying you should keep him in your life; I'm just saying that the trauma of watching him die can go away now, right?" Einar continued, though a bit more carefully now, picking up on the expressions on Thorfinn's face and how he'd, more than once, glanced at the kitchen knife Askeladd kept away from him.
“Don’t even think about it.” Askeladd muttered, and Einar flinched but tried to ignore it. It was strange, normally Thorfinn was the one trying to calm Einar when he got angry. It had never been the other way around.
"Right?" Einar tried again.
If Thorfinn looked like he was considering, then that would be wrong. He was just too stunned, too offended to speak.
How dare Einar make an actual okay point in the moment when he needed him to grab pitchforks and torches?
"Thorfinn?"
He just shook his head and walked towards the door.
"Where are you going?" Askeladd asked, sounding as amused by the situation as one could be, because of course he would be.
Without stopping to look back at him, Thorfinn answered. "To the ocean. I'm going to throw myself in."
"To... drown or swim away?"
He stopped, the door already open as he considered his options. Swimming away wasn't a bad idea; maybe then he'd finally be rid of Askeladd, but knowing his luck, the bastard would just backstroke after him since he seemed determined to stay near him and continue to torment him.
"Drown,"