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Trees whip by, dark shapes in the side mirrors. The road rolls underneath the tyres, slight bumps shaking the whole car. Tyler drums his fingers on the steering wheel as the radio hums. Engine sounds sing over it, making it hard to hear what’s playing.
“You drive too fast.” Josh observes, feet kicked up on the dash. The moon shines through the window behind him, making his skin glow.
Tyler shrugs as he takes the next corner without slowing down. He crosses the median line a little to avoid going off the edge of the road. “No one’s out here.”
The night is lightening, nearly morning. His dashboard reads four-forty-five. He should get home before his parents wake up but he doesn’t want to. Being out here is easier. Driving around town in circles feels more productive than lying in bed, staring up at the ceiling and unable to sleep.
He takes the next corner too sharply and the car’s traction control kicks in. Whoops. Being more careful isn’t on his agenda but he slows down a little anyway. Cops sit around here sometimes, waiting for people to speed past. Tyler knows this because they’ve caught him before.
“One more go through the backroads, then we’ll go home.” Tyler says as they roll into town. If he takes a left, then a right, they’ll be back on the big winding road that loops around town.
“You said that an hour ago.” Josh turns to look at him and smiles. “I don’t mind. I just wish you would tell me what’s wrong.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I’m fine.” Tyler insists.
“You’ve been driving aimlessly all night. There must be something wrong.” Josh shrugs. “You used to tell me everything.”
Tyler doesn’t respond to that. Instead he drives straight back to Josh’s house and drops him off. Josh doesn’t say goodbye. He leaves the car and wanders up to his front door. Tyler drives off before he sees him go in. It’s bad friend etiquette, but he’s suddenly so sleepy.
He parks in his driveway and stares at his darkened house. In a few hours, he needs to go to school. Is it worth going to sleep? He has made it through the day without sleeping before. As long as he doesn’t have gym class, he’ll be fine.
His legs hurt when he gets out of the car. He has to do a lap of the front porch to get feeling back into his feet. Then he stretches his arms over his head, his shoulders cracking like fireworks. As much as he loves driving around with Josh for hours, he doesn’t like how he feels afterwards. He doesn’t know how Josh is always able to walk out of the car like nothing’s wrong.
By the time he gets to his room, he isn’t sleepy anymore. He sits on his floor with his laptop and his miniature paints and decides to stay up until he has to go to school. His homework is all finished so he has nothing better to do than waste time painting miniatures and listening to music.
He’s making one for Josh - Torchbearer. It’s a character they came up with together, but it’s primarily Josh’s. Tyler gets Clancy. They’ve talked about making a DnD campaign or writing down the story they’ve come up with, but they haven’t gotten around to it yet.
For now, Clancy and Torchbearer live in their heads. Every time they hang out one of them comes up with another detail of the story. Tyler is sure they both have different versions of Clancy and Torchbearer in their heads. In his, Torchbearer is always the real hero.
Sitting on the floor is bad for his back but painting makes him feel better about staying up so late. He’s being productive, to compensate for the nothing he has done all week. Sometimes he can’t do anything but lay in bed and wish he was doing something. His limbs feel heavy and immovable.
Right now, though, he’s okay. Hanging out with Josh helps. Creating Clancy and Torchbearer and their world helps.
The sun rises slowly, casting grey light over Tyler’s room. He turns his lamp off and checks his phone. Josh hasn’t texted him yet so he must still be asleep. He has never been one to wake up early for school.
When Tyler joins his parents for breakfast, neither of them brings up how tired he looks. Maybe it’s because he always looks tired, but they don’t seem to realise he hasn’t slept at all. Whatever. He doesn’t want them to know anyway.
He eats his breakfast and gets his stuff together. Where is his math textbook? Did he give it to Josh? He must have done, because it isn’t anywhere in his room.
Tyler hops in his car and drives over to Josh’s house. Josh is sitting on his front porch with his backpack, waiting when Tyler pulls up to the curb. He gets into the passenger seat and Tyler drives away too fast.
“What are we doing today?” Josh asks. He never knows his schedule anymore.
“English first, then Chemistry. Math later.” Tyler says. “Do you have my textbook, by the way?”
“Oh, sure.” Josh says. He gestures to his bag. “It’s in there somewhere.”
“Did you do the homework?”
“Nah. I never get in trouble for it anyway.”
“I do! Why do you always get special treatment?”
“I’m God’s most special soldier.” Josh teases. The rising sun shines through the window behind him and lights his skin up like gold.
“Whatever.” Tyler rolls his eyes.
They get to school on time thanks to a few broken speed laws. Tyler is already starting to feel the consequences of staying up all night, so he fishes an energy drink out of his bag and downs it. Josh grimaces at him, but Tyler sticks his tongue out and Josh laughs. Sometimes Tyler thinks his only reason to be on Earth is to hear that sound over and over again.
Tyler is pretty good in school. He puts a lot of effort into keeping his grades up. Because he has no interest in going to college, he needs his high school diploma to be rock solid if he wants to get a job. If he wants to get a job. Honestly, he has no idea what he wants to do when he leaves school.
He can’t just hang out with Josh for the rest of his life. At a certain point, one of them has to start making money.
Tyler sits alone with Josh at lunch. Josh doesn’t eat anything but that isn’t unusual, especially recently. They don’t talk much, because when they do they get weird looks from the other students. They aren’t even talking that loud. Maybe it’s because they’re almost always talking about Clancy and Torchbearer. Most teenagers don’t spend their lunch breaks making up stories.
“I think Clancy would wear a mask.” Tyler says as he tries to eat around the lumps in his mashed potatoes. He really needs to start bringing his own food. The cafeteria lunches really aren’t it. Even the apple slices look like they’re a week old.
“Right.” Josh agrees. “I think Torchbearer would have a big trench coat. A dark coloured one.”
“Sure.” Tyler nods.
He tries to remember if the miniature he’s making has a coat like that. He’s almost certain it does but he should check. It’s just a little statue but it has to be right.
“What are you looking at?” Josh snaps at a girl sitting at the table next to them.
She stares right at Tyler, who just raises his eyebrows at her. She gives him a look like he’s crazy and turns back to her friends. They all start to whisper to each other while glancing at him. Very subtle.
“Bitch.” Josh mumbles.
Tyler laughs, earning him even more glances. Whatever. He doesn’t care what anyone else thinks of them as long as Josh is still his friend.
“Do you actually have my math textbook?” Tyler asks when they’re sitting in math class.
“Yeah, man, hold on.” Josh ducks under his desk to rummage through his bag while Tyler sets out his stuff on their desk.
“Excuse me.” A student Tyler doesn’t recognise points to Josh’s chair. They must be new. “Can I sit here?”
Tyler stares at him, convinced that it isn’t a serious question. “Uh, no? Josh is sitting there.”
Josh gets back up from under their desk and throws Tyler’s textbook down. “‘Sup.”
“Oh, um…” The student glances between Tyler and Josh awkwardly.
Someone else calls the student over and says they can sit next to them, so they leave. Tyler hears them mumbling something about Tyler or Josh or both being crazy.
“Fuck did you say?” Josh asks.
Tyler smacks him on the arm. “Leave it, dude.”
Josh huffs and sits back in his chair. He doesn’t seem to have a pencil with him, so Tyler lends him one, as well as a sheet from his notepad. The teacher doesn’t say anything, just smiles sympathetically at Tyler. Josh doesn’t pick up his pencil or write a single thing down the whole lesson. The teacher doesn’t even try to collect homework from him.
They graduate next year. Josh should really take things more seriously. While Tyler will happily let Josh freeload off of him for the rest of their lives, his parents probably won’t like that. They can’t make up stories for a living.
Tyler starts to feel weird about halfway through the class. His chest is tight, his hands shake and his vision swims. No amount of deep breaths can shake it. Josh notices and nods to the door.
“Outside?” He asks, and Tyler nods. Thinking for himself is too hard right now. He just follows Josh.
They get up and walk past everyone to the classroom door. Everyone stares at them, whispering to each other.
“Take as long as you need, Tyler.” The teacher calls. Tyler can’t talk to reply to her.
Once they’re outside in the hall, Tyler sits down on the floor and puts his head in his hands. It’s quieter out here, easier to breathe. Josh sits down besides him, back against the wall. There’s a long moment where neither of them speaks, the only sound the dripping of a tap from a nearby bathroom.
“Too much in there?” Josh asks. Tyler whimpers. “I don’t think we’ll miss much, and they already took attendance so it’s not skipping. We can just sit out here until you feel better.”
Tyler takes a slow, deep breath as his heart kick boxes his lungs. The hallway feels like it’s trying to tilt sideways, sending him and Josh sliding out into the parking lot. Tyler grabs onto a water pipe that runs along the baseboard, trying to find some balance.
“Hey.” Josh whispers. “I don’t think Torchbearer can swim.”
“Huh?” Tyler manages.
“Torchbearer. I don’t see where he would have learned to swim, so I guess he can’t.”
“He might have learned in the Paladin Strait.” Tyler suggests, aware they’re speaking a language only the other can understand.
“We agreed that it was almost impossible to swim in it.” Josh says. “Like, if you even tried to swim it you’d drown. So how would Torchbearer know how to swim?”
Tyler considers this for a moment. “I guess so. Do you think Clancy would know how to swim?”
“That’s up to you. He’s your guy.” Josh shrugs. “But I guess the same logic applies.”
“I like hearing what you have to say about Clancy.” Tyler says. “I know Clancy is mine and Torchbearer is yours but still.”
“They’re both ours.” Josh says. “Joint custody.”
Tyler laughs. “We aren’t going through a divorce.”
Josh smiles at him. “Do you feel better?”
“Yeah. Thanks man.” Tyler wipes his face and finds that at some point he was crying, but it’s stopped now. “Everyone’s gonna stare at us when we go back in.”
“Nah.” Josh holds up Tyler’s bag, which he must have grabbed without Tyler realizing. “We can just leave.”
“We can’t cut class.”
“Why not? It’s the last one of the day. They already took attendance, no one will even realise we’re gone.” Josh shrugs. “Come on, live a little.”
Tyler bites his lip. “I really need to pass math.”
“You’re not gonna fail because of one missed class. Come on.” Josh jumps up and starts walking away from Tyler backwards. “Let’s go get dinner.”
“You never eat lunch and then you’re always starving at two o’clock.” Tyler complains, but gets up and follows Josh anyway. “You’re a menace.
“Thank you.” Josh says.
Josh carries Tyler’s bag to the car and throws it in the back. It lands with a thud now that his math textbook is back in there. They get into the car and Tyler lets Josh play one of his playlists on the stereo. It takes a while for it to connect to Josh’s phone - the thing is old and the bluetooth barely works. Sometimes Tyler hopes someone will steal it so he has an excuse to buy a new one.
“What made you panic?” Josh asks once they’re on an empty backroad.
Tyler puts his foot down - it helps him think. “I don’t know. One second I was fine and the next it felt like the world was ending.”
“That’s been happening a lot lately.” Josh observes.
Tyler shrugs. “I don’t know. I guess I just felt… lonely?”
“We were in a room full of people. I was right there.” Josh says quietly.
“I know. It’s hard to explain.” Tyler shakes his head. He doesn’t want to talk about this anymore, to examine himself further. “Where do you wanna eat?”
Josh can’t decide so Tyler picks a local diner. They get a booth near the window where they can see people walking past. Despite being the one that wanted to get food, Josh insists Tyler pick something for him.
“Can I get the sunny side up eggs with toast and a stack of pancakes please??” Tyler asks the waitress, a pretty blonde woman around his age. Her name tag reads Jenna.
“All for you?” She asks as she writes it down.
“No.” Tyler nods to Josh, who smiles awkwardly at her. Neither of them are very good with pretty girls.
“Ah, gotcha.” Jenna nods. “I’ll get that brought out for you.”
They both thank her and sit in silence for a moment. Kids are starting to leave school for real, walking past on their way home and to sports clubs. Tyler was never big on sports, except for basketball. He preferred art classes to gym. Once he has done the gym classes he needs to graduate, he is never stepping foot in one again.
There’s no one else in the diner at this time of day, so they don’t have to keep their voices down too much when they talk.
“I don’t know. I feel like millions of zombies is too many.” Josh says. “Like, if there were millions, they’d just win. That’s not fun.”
“Tens of thousands, then?” Tyler suggests. “Enough that it’s, like, a problem, but not an insurmountable one.”
“That’s what I’m thinking.” Josh agrees.
Jenna comes over with their food and sets both plates down in front of Tyler. He pushes the pancakes over to Josh. She glances between the plates, then nods and leaves them to eat.
They keep talking as they eat, Josh powering through his stack of pancakes while Tyler picks at his eggs. He isn’t very hungry but he knows Josh doesn’t like to eat alone.
Tyler drinks a lot of coffee while they’re there, feeling himself crashing from being up for so long. Josh gives him a pitying look.
“Maybe I should drive home?”
“I’m fine. I don’t trust you behind the wheel of my car anyway.” Tyler leaves some money on the table and they get up to leave.
“Hey, at least I don’t drive like I’m trying to set a land speed record.”
“Shut it.”
Tyler drops Josh up at the end of Tyler’s street. Josh won’t let him drive the extra distance to his house. Josh wanders off into the woods that will lead him home, and Tyler drives back to his house.
“Where have you been?” Mom asks when Tyler comes into the house.
“Me and Josh went and got food at a diner,” Tyler says. “I don’t know if I’ll want dinner.”
“You and Josh?” Mom asks quietly.
“Yeah, you’ve met Josh.” Tyler reminds her. Josh used to come over all the time but he hasn’t been as much recently. “Sorry, I’ll eat whatever you make if I get hungry later.”
“Alright.” Mom nods slowly. “Where’s Josh now?”
“His house, probably?” Tyler checks his phone but Josh hasn’t texted him. “Why?”
“Well…” Mom looks concerned, then her face smoothes out. “No reason, love. You look tired, maybe you should take a nap.”
Jesus, yeah, he hasn’t slept in thirty six hours. A nap is probably in order. He goes up to his room and flops down on his bed. It’s Saturday tomorrow, but he has to go to a therapy appointment in the morning. Can he have a single day of peace?
He texts Josh asking if he wants to hang out on Saturday afternoon, and then promptly passes out, still wearing his shoes.
“So, how have you been, Tyler?” His counsellor asks. He’s a middle aged man with glasses. A very generic looking person. Tyler has tried to describe him to Josh and found himself unable to pick out a distinguishing feature.
“Fine.” Tyler shrugs.
“And how are you doing?” The counsellor asks.
This is a game they play. Tyler answers first how are you politely, and then the counsellor rephrases the question so Tyler can answer it truthfully. For some reason, it helps Tyler open up a bit better.
“Uh… I haven’t really been sleeping. And I had a panic attack in math yesterday.”
“I see.” The counsellor scribbles something down. “Did you do the breathing exercises we talked about?”
“I tried, but it’s kinda difficult to remember them when I’m panicking. Josh talked me out of it, though.”
“Josh did?” The counsellor asks.
“Yeah. He noticed I was freaking out and took me outside. He does that a lot.” Tyler knows he has talked about Josh in here before, but every time he does it’s like the counsellor has never heard of him before.
“And what did Josh do?”
“He just talked to me about Clancy and Torchbearer. I guess it distracted me enough that I calmed down.”
“Clancy and Torchbearer. Those are you fantasy story characters, right?”
“Sure.” Tyler does not have the energy to explain to this guy that, actually, Clancy and Torchbearer are from a post-apocalyptic wasteland, not a fantasy.
“You made those up with Josh?”
“Yeah. Clancy is mine, Torchbearer is his.”
“Like you are those characters?”
“Not really. I guess if we turn it into a DnD campaign then we would do it like that, but otherwise no. They’re just people we like to talk about. Them and the world they live in, you know?”
“I see.” The counsellor writes furiously on his notepad. “So-”
Then Tyler is back in his room. He doesn’t remember leaving the office, or finishing the session, but he must have because he’s on his floor with a bowl of ice cream and Josh is in his desk chair.
“Earth to Tyler?” Josh waves his hand in front of Tyler’s face. “Are you still in there?”
“Sorry. I must have zoned out.” Tyler shakes his head. ‘What did you say?”
“I said I think your mom called you.”
“Oh, shit.” Tyler jumps up and runs to his door. He hears his mom call him again from the bottom of the stairs, so he stands at the top and shouts down to her.
“I said, dinner will be ready in a few minutes.” She calls.
“Okay!” Tyler looks back into his room and then adds. “Can Josh stay for dinner?”
“Um…” Mom sounds like she’s considering saying no when Josh comes out of Tyler’s room.
“Don’t worry about it, Mrs Joseph. I’m headed home anyway.” Josh insists.
“Oh, never mind then.” Tyler shrugs. “I’ll see you later, dude.”
“See ya.” Josh says. He goes downstairs and lets himself out.
“How was therapy, sweetheart?” Mom asks when Tyler comes down for dinner. It sounds like she’s fishing for something but his counselor said he didn’t have to tell anyone anything he didn’t want to.
“Fine.” Tyler shrugs. “We talked about school.”
“Did you talk about Josh at all?” Dad asks as Tyler sits down at the table next to him.
“A bit.” Tyler shrugs. “We always talk about Josh.”
“That’s good.” Mom and dad share a look that Tyler can’t read.
Tyler can’t sleep again, so at midnight he gets in his car and drives to Josh’s house. They haven’t agreed to go out but if Tyler texts him once he’s outside, Josh will usually be out in a few minutes. When he gets there, though, Josh is already sitting on his porch steps, the porchlight shining over his head.
“Couldn’t sleep?” Josh asks as he gets into the car.
“Nope.”
“Me neither.” Josh kicks his feet up on the dash and squints at the radio. “Since when was My Chemical Romance ‘classic rock’.”
Tyler laughs. “Makes you feel old, right?”
“I’m never getting old. I’ll just stay a teenager forever.” Josh says.
“That would be nice.” Tyler agrees as he turns off the end of Josh’s block towards the back roads.
“Hey.” Josh points to their left when Tyler indicates to turn right out of town. “Why do we never drive through the woods?”
“I don’t like the woods.” Tyler says, although he can’t exactly remember why. “They’re creepy at night. A deer could run out.”
“I love the woods at night,” Josh smiles. “But it’s your car so we have to go wherever you want.”
“Now you’re getting it.” Tyler puts his foot down and they speed through the empty country roads, My Chemical Romance blasting on the stereo.
They always take the same route through the backroads. Tyler has them mapped out in his mind so he knows the most fun circuit to drive through. He knows every blind corner, dangerous bend and pothole within a mile of their town. He can make these drives last as long as he wants, or as fuel will allow.
“Do they have cars?” Josh asks.
Tyler doesn’t need to ask what he’s talking about.. “Probably not. I don’t think Clancy would be able to drive anyway.”
“Torchbearer would. He’d love driving.”
“Maybe. Imagine if they had a car that they could run over zombies with.”
Josh giggles. “They would totally make a zombie killing machine. Like a bulldozer.”
Tyler laughs. “We’re not making that canon, but it’s fun.”
“Not everything has to be serious.” Josh reminds him.
“I know.” Tyler says. “It’s always fun with you.”
They drive around for a few hours, until Tyler starts to get tired. Conversely, Josh shows no signs of fatigue at all. Tyler drops Josh at the end of his street and drives home.
“Where have you been?” Dad asks when Tyler comes in through the front door. It’s three o’clock. Did dad wait up for him?
“Me and Josh went for a drive.” Tyler says. “Sorry, I thought you had gone to bed already.”
“I did, but I woke up and realised you were gone again.” Dad shakes his head. “You can’t keep doing this, Tyler.”
“I said sorry. Josh couldn’t sleep either. I was just trying to help.”
“Tyler-” Dad huffs, but Tyler doesn’t want to hear it. He blows his dad off and goes up to his room.
He’s annoyed at his dad for harassing him, and knows he won’t sleep, so he scrolls through his social media. Josh hasn’t posted anything in ages. Did he delete all the apps off of his phone again? That must be it. Josh wasn’t exactly a prolific poster anyway.
When he wakes up late on Sunday, he feels like shit. Curse him for wasting his day sleeping in, and destroying his sleep schedule even further. For a while he lies in bed staring up at the ceiling before he decides to try and salvage some food. There’s no one in the house, so he collects an assortment of snacks and goes back to his room.
Josh is sitting in his desk chair again, like he has always belonged there.
“How did you get in?” Tyler asks as he dumps his armful of snacks onto his desk.
“Window.” Josh points to Tyler’s bedroom window, which is wide open. Tyler doesn’t remember opening it, or taking the screen off, but if it’s only Josh breaking in then it doesn’t matter. “How do you think Clancy and Torchbearer met?”
They sit and discuss the topic for a while, Tyler slowly working his way through his snacks until his stomach stops complaining. Neither of them notices the time until Mom calls up the stairs about dinner.
“Can Josh stay?” Tyler asks again. This time, Josh doesn’t try to excuse himself.
“I… sure, okay.” Mom concedes. “I’ll set him a place.”
Josh sits next to Tyler at dinner. He doesn’t say or eat much, just observing. Tyler finds it easier to eat, to talk when Josh is sitting beside him. His parents keep glancing at each other, at Josh, but don’t mention him at all.
“What can you tell me about Josh?” The counsellor asks. “Where did you meet him, for example?”
“Middle school. We sat next to each other in English class. I’m better at it than he is so I helped him out.” Tyler clicks his tongue. “And then I never got rid of him.”
“Did you want to get rid of him?”
“No, of course not.” Tyler laughs. “He’s my best friend.”
“And you spent a lot of time together.”
“We still do. I saw him this morning.”
“Tyler-” The counsellor says.
Then Tyler is in his car, driving through the woods near Josh’s house. Tyler slams on the breaks and comes to a halt in the middle of a dirt path. Breathing heavily, he whips around trying to figure out where the hell he is.
“Dude!” Josh has his hands on the dashboard from where he had to brace himself from the sudden stop. “What the hell was that about?”
“Wh- I don’t-” Tyler breathes heavily, white-knuckling the steering wheel.
“Hey, it’s okay. Everything is fine.” Josh says gently. He turns the radio down. “What happened?”
“I don’t remember how we got here.” Tyler says. “I never drive into the woods.
“Sure you do. We used to come here all the time.” Josh points down the road, through the endless trees. “We’re taking a shortcut because I’m about to miss my curfew.”
“Oh.” Tyler looks at the digital clock on the radio and sees it’s nearly ten o’clock. “Shit, sorry.”
“S’all good.” Josh sits back in his seat. “I’ll probably see you tonight anyway, right?”
“What’s the point in you having a curfew if you just climb out of your window any time I want to go driving?” Tyler asks as he slowly starts the car moving again.
“Dunno. I don’t question my parents.”
Tyler refuses to drive faster than twenty miles an hour, even though he really wants to get out of the woods. He likes to drive fast but not here. He doesn’t really know why. There’s something about this place that puts him on edge.
Once Josh is dropped back off at his house, a couple of minutes before his curfew, Tyler heads home. He doesn’t like driving around on his own. If Josh is in the car with him, he won’t do anything stupid. If he’s on his own… Well, there’s no telling which lamppost he would end up wrapped around.
All the lights are on in his house when he gets back. Usually his parents are in bed by now. Shit, did they wait up for him again? He doesn’t want to listen to his parents lecture him about wasting fuel. Even if he tells them that Josh gives him gas money when he has the spare cash, and buys him dinner if he doesn’t.
“Tyler.” Mom says gently when he comes in. “Where were you?”
“Out with Josh.” Tyler shrugs. “I’m seventeen, you know. I can go out if I want to.”
“I know, dear.” Mom says. “Did you have a good time?”
Tyler doesn’t want to tell her that he has a gap in his memory between the middle of his therapy session and about twenty minutes ago, so he just says, “Yeah.”
“Good.” Mom smiles at him. “You know I’m here for you if you want to talk.”
“...okay?” Tyler says, puzzled.
What would he want to talk about? He’s sure mom doesn’t want to hear about him and Josh’s discussions about Torchbearer and Clancy.
People keep staring at him at school. This isn’t that unusual. He has been bullied for most of his educational career for being weird. But no one fucks with him. They just… stare. He preferred getting beat up. Josh tried his best to defend him but just ended up getting hurt too.
“Do I have something on my face?” Tyler asks when he catches the fourth person staring at him in an hour.
“Uh… No.” Josh confirms after examining Tyler’s face. “You’re as handsome as ever.”
Tyler laughs. “Thanks. I don’t know why so many people are looking at me all the time. And it’s not like it’s just a glance. They’re staring at me.”
“Maybe they’re intimidated by your cool aura.”
Tyler scoffs. “I don’t think that’s it.”
“Whatever. Wanna go to the diner after this?”
“We always go to the diner. Can’t we get burgers or something?”
“I thought you liked going there. ‘Cause you have a crush on the waitress.” Josh says. Tyler stares at him blankly. “Jenna?”
“Jenna? No, I don’t- I don’t even know her.”
“She makes you smile though.” Josh grins at him. “Come on, it’s not a crime to like a girl.”
“I guess- She’s pretty. But I’m not in a position to have a girlfriend right now.”
“Fine. But you can still go to the diner and see her. Just to make yourself happy.”
“Only if you come with me.”
“‘Course I will.”
They skip their last class and go to the diner. Tyler orders for them both again - pancakes and sunny side up eggs. Jenna is there, smiling at him. Tyler does his best to smile back and not look awkward. He doesn’t know how to talk to girls, and neither does Josh so he stays quiet while Jenna makes stilted small talk with them.
Once she’s gone back to work, Josh grins at Tyler. He rolls his eyes and pointedly ignores anything Josh tries to say about it. Tyler tries to turn the conversation back to Clancy and Torchbearer.
“Do you think they’d swim across the Paladin Strait for each other?” Tyler asks, picking at his toast.
“I dunno. Probably. They’re best friends, right?”
“No, we’re best friends. Clancy and Torchbearer are just in a bad situation together.” Tyler corrects.
“We were in a bad situation together, and then we became best friends.” Josh says. “Why would they be different?”
“I guess so.” Tyler agrees. “I just think Clancy and Torchbearer have a different relationship to what we do.”
“I don’t think anyone has a relationship like we do.” Josh says.
“Dad, have you seen my car keys?” Tyler ducks into the living room to ask.
“What do you need them for?” Dad asks. Him and mom are sitting in the living room, but the TV is off and neither of them have a book or newspaper. They’re just sitting there, staring at him.
My car? Tyler thinks incredulously, but says, “I’m gonna pick Josh up.” Tyler says. “We’re gonna go drive around for a while.”
“Sweetheart, why don’t you sit down?” Mom says, patting the chair besides her.
“Why?” Tyler asks. He feels like he’s in trouble but he has no idea why. Did he forget to do one of his chores?
“We’re taking your car away.” Dad says, getting right to the point. “No more late night drives.”
“What?” Tyler exclaims. “You can’t do that. I pay for my car, you can’t just take it off of me.”
Dad sighs. “We’re worried about you, kid. You haven’t been sleeping since-"
Since what, Tyler doesn’t find out. The next thing he knows he’s sitting on his bedroom floor, sobbing uncontrollably with his phone pressed to his ear. He thinks he must be calling Josh, but when he checks the ID, it’s his therapist. The phone rings, and rings, and rings. No one picks up.
Tyler wipes his eyes and huffs in frustration. He doesn’t remember why he was calling his therapist but him not picking up isn’t fair. The guy said Tyler could call him any time. His therapist cancelled their last session too. Annoyed, Tyler hangs up. Why is he even upset?
Oh yeah. He got his car confiscated. Even though he bought it himself, when he had a job to pay for it. He hasn’t been to work in ages. Didn’t he quit or something? Why doesn’t he remember?
Tyler texts Josh saying he can’t pick him up and doesn’t get a response. Maybe he’s mad. Tyler texts him an apology and then lays down on his bed.
After far too long of staring at his ceiling, Tyler decides he can’t sleep. He pulls out his miniature paints and sits down on his floor. This will make up for not hanging out with Josh tonight. He’s almost done with Torchbearer, then he can move on to making Clancy. Whether he gives both to Josh or keeps Clancy for himself depends on how they turn out.
Tyler considers going through his parents room until he finds his keys. They’ll notice, though, and he doesn’t want to get even more in trouble. If he was ten percent more desperate, he might google how to hotwire his own car.
His parents said he couldn’t go out driving. Not that he couldn’t go out. He isn’t grounded, so he could go for a walk. When was the last time he did that?
Tyler puts on his shoes and his jacket. He considers climbing out of his window, but if he leaves through the side door his parents won’t hear him. He takes the stairs slowly, avoiding the creaky floorboards, then once he’s safely downstairs leaves the house like normal.
Where should he go? Not through the woods, but he wants to go by Josh’s house. So he has to go the long way around. It’s a bit of a trek, and he doesn’t intend on even seeing Josh, but his light might still be on. It’s nice to see that he’s still awake when Tyler can’t sleep either.
As Tyler turns onto Josh’s street, he can see his porchlight is still on. When he gets closer, he can see a figure sitting on the front steps. Josh.
“Hey.” Tyler says, standing on the sidewalk in front of Josh. “What are you doing up?”
“Waiting to see if you’d show up.” Josh shrugs. The light above him makes his hair glow. “Which you did.”
“I text you saying I couldn’t come out.” Tyler reminds him. He doesn’t add that Josh didn’t text him back.
“You showed up anyway, like always.” Josh stands up and puts his hands in his pockets. “Where are we going?”
“Around,” Tyler says, “Not the woods.”
“What’s wrong with the woods?”
“I don’t like it in there. Especially not at night.” Tyler insists. He still can’t figure out exactly what it is about the woods, but he can’t shake it either. “Let's just walk around town.”
So they do. They don’t talk much, occasionally commenting on things they see. For a while they stop and watch a raccoon rummage through a dumpster on the other side of the road. Josh makes a comment about ‘wanting to be like that when he grows up’ that makes Tyler laugh.
Eventually they find themselves on the outskirts of the woods, looking into the void that stretches inside. Tyler keeps himself planted firmly on the sidewalk while Josh dances around the tree line.
“There’s not, like, bears in there or anything.” Josh insists. “The most dangerous thing is the river, and I’m not gonna let you walk into that.”
“I know.” Tyler says. “I just don’t like it.”
His head spins when he thinks about walking in there. Nausea claws up through his throat and rips into his mouth. He needs to go home. The forest is too close to him, the branches reach out, trying to snag his jacket and pull him in.
Tyler takes a step back, then another. He feels the ground change beneath his feet but before he can register what the means, a blinding light appears to his right. Freezing in his tracks, he stares into it until a horn blares.
“Hey, kid! Get out of the damn road!” Someone yells. It’s a car, a big jeep. It almost ran Tyler down.
He jumps back onto the sidewalk next to Josh, holding his hand up in apology. The driver honks at him again before speeding off. Tyler shakes uncontrollably at the realisation that he almost just died.
“I’m sorry.” He whispers to Josh. “I have to go home.”
Without another word, Tyler turns and takes off in the direction of his house. First he walks, then he jogs, then he runs all the way back to his house. By the time he’s back in his room, he’s hyperventilating and sweating. He tries to call his therapist, but he doesn’t pick up. Then he gets an automated text saying his next therapy session has been cancelled.
“What the fuck, man?” He whines.
Whatever. He never remembers his sessions anyway so they can’t be that useful. Why is he even in therapy? Other than his anxiety there’s nothing wrong with him. Josh helps him handle all that anyway.
Trying to live his life without his car is no fun. His parents drop him off at school and pick him straight back up at the end of the day. This means no more skipping out early or trips to the diner. He misses Josh. He misses Jenna, even though he barely knows her.
Tyler feels isolated. He keeps the now finished miniature of Torchbearer on his bedside cabinet and stares at it a lot. Clancy is still a work in progress. He doesn’t remember what colour they agreed Clancy’s mask should be. Red? Like Josh’s hair was during their sophomore year.
He walks a lot. Sometimes Josh comes with him. Every time they pass the woods Tyler stands and stares at the trees for a while. He still doesn’t have the courage to go in. Why would he? There’s nothing in there.
He and Josh used to go in there together to get high by the river. They don’t do that anymore - Tyler stopped smoking a month ago. He doesn’t remember why. Sometimes he gets an urge to light up but some immense sense of dread stops him. Josh doesn’t bring it up. Maybe they agreed to quit together. Why doesn’t Tyler remember?
His therapist cancels another session so he finds himself at a loose end on another Saturday. Josh doesn’t answer his texts, so Tyler decides to go on yet another walk. Christ, he’s sick of not having a car. Next time his parents are out he’s going to search for his keys. He’ll drive off and vanish for a day, maybe to Josh’s house, and then they’ll be sorry.
Tyler knocks on Josh’s front door but doesn’t get an answer. He shouts up to Josh’s bedroom window, but gets no response. They must be out. When are the Dun’s ever out on a Saturday, though? Tyler tries to find the spare key he has to their front door but it’s not on his keychain. Did he lose it? He’ll have to ask Josh for another one next time he sees him
The woods are right behind Josh’s house. Maybe he’s in there, down by the river. It’s only a quarter mile into the trees, so Tyler can go check right now. It won’t take him long. The forest isn’t as scary during the day. There’s even a squirrel running around. Nothing bad has ever happened in the presence of a squirrel.
Tyler tentatively walks into the treeline, listening to the sounds of birds above him. Leaves crunch under his feet, sending the squirrel running upwards into the trees. The wind whistles, whispering to him. Eventually it’s joined by the gurgling of the river.
When he reaches the edge of the river, he sees someone sitting in the grass on the other side. Josh, face tilting up to a patch of sun shining through a gap in the trees. As Tyler approaches, Josh looks over and smiles.
“Hey, dude!”
“You didn’t answer your phone.” Tyler says as he reaches the bank of the river. He has to shout over the rush of it between them.
“Left it at home.” Josh says. “I don’t want to drop it in the river again.”
“Good point.” Tyler takes his phone out of his pocket and leaves it on a nearby tree stump. If he kills his phone, his parents will kill him. Going without his phone and his car will make him crazy.
“You coming over here?” Josh calls. “The sun is nice.”
“Sure, if I can make it.” Tyler says.
He isn’t being serious. He has jumped the river countless times - there is a bridge but it’s another quarter mile downstream and he can’t be bothered. The river isn’t that wide here, so close to the source. A quick hop and he can sit down with Josh, undisturbed by the outside world. Hardly anyone comes out here other than them.
Tyler takes a few steps back from the edge so he can get a running jump. He takes it, leaping over the water and landing with both feet on the other bank.
Then the ground slips out from under him as the bank collapses, and he falls into the river.
The water closes over his head, icy and unrelenting. He thrashes, trying to reach the surface. It eludes him, the dark water making it hard to tell up from down. His lungs scream for air but he refuses to open his mouth. He will not drown here. He refuses to die in this fucking river like- like-
Something wraps around his wrist, tugging him until he breaks the surface of the water. Tyler gasps, managing to get his mouth closed again before he plunges back under the rushing water. Then he’s pulled up again, against the bank, and he manages to grab onto a loose tree root. When he looks up, Josh is standing over him, fingers clutched around Tyler’s wrist. Pulling him out of the water and onto dry land.
Tyler does his best to haul some of his own weight out of the water. He collapses onto the grass and coughs, shivering. Josh lies down beside him, breathing heavily.
“Fucking hell, dude!” Josh complains. “You could’ve died!”
“I didn’t do it on purpose!” Tyler croaks.
“Well, at least you took your phone out of your pocket before you jumped.” Josh says.
Despite being soaking wet, freezing cold and bruised up from hitting the bottom and sides of the river, Tyler laughs. Then Josh starts to laugh, until they’re both in hysterics. The patch of sun they’re lying in warms his skin and dries out his clothes. They stay there for hours, just the two of them, talking about Torchbearer and Clancy and all the troubles they might face.
“Tyler!” Dad yells when he finally shows back up at home, hours later with Josh in tow. “Where the hell have you been? I called you a hundred times.”
Shit, he left his phone on the other bank. When they decided to leave, they took the bridge instead of risking falling into the water again. Tyler didn’t think to go back up the river and get his phone.
“Sorry, I left it by the river.” Tyler says. They aren’t due any rain so he can go and get it tomorrow and it should be fine. As long as the foxes don’t get it first.
“The river?” Dad asks.
“Yeah, with Josh.” Tyler grimaces as he takes off his trainers - they didn’t quite dry out. If he isn’t careful, he’s going to get trench foot.
“Buddy-” Dad sighs, and then Tyler is sitting on his bed with his head in his hands.
“What the hell?” He mumbles, wiping his face and finding it wet. Is he crying?
“Do you feel better?” Josh asks. He’s sitting on the floor, watching Tyler cautiously.
“I didn’t know I felt bad.” Tyler can feel the tail end of a panic attack working its way out of his system. He feels gross and tired.
“Well, I’ve got something that will cheer you up.” Josh holds up something shiny. “Look what I found.”
“My car keys?” Tyler asks. “Where were they?”
“Your dad’s sock drawer.”
“Why were you in my dad’s sock drawer?”
“Unimportant.” Josh waves him off. “What’s important is that we can go for a drive.”
“My parents are gonna kill me.” Tyler mumbles.
“Driving makes you feel better. They understand that.” Josh gets up and hands Tyler his keys. “Come on. You deserve it.”
Tyler puts on his shoes and his jacket and listens at his door for his parents. He can hear his dad snoring in the bedroom and the TV isn’t on. His parents must both be asleep.
He and Josh take the stairs carefully, then go out through the side door and into the night. Tyler’s car is sitting where he left it before he got his keys taken away. When he turns the ignition over, he sees he’s low on gas.
“Gas station first.” Tyler says as he pulls out of the driveway as quietly as he can manage.
“There’s one near the diner.” Josh says. “I know you miss Jenna.”
“I barely even know Jenna.” Tyler shakes his head. Josh is right, though. He does miss seeing her - she’s pretty, and nice. “But fine, the gas is cheaper on that side of town anyway.”
The diner is a little busier than usual despite the late hour, but they get seated and Jenna comes right over. Tyler orders for them both but Josh gets up right as Jenna comes over with their food.
“I’ll be back.” He whispers before walking off towards the bathroom.
“Here you go.” Jenna puts the food down in front of him. “Can I ask you a question?”
“Uh, sure?” Tyler’s voice cracks as he speaks and he cringes.
“Who are you talking to when you come here?” She asks.
Of course, this pretty girl wants to know about his friend. Goddamnit. He should have known this would happen. Next time, he’s leaving Josh at home.
“My friend Josh.” Tyler says. “We’ve known each other since middle school.”
“That’s sweet.” Jenna says. “I’m Jenna, by the way.”
“I know.” Tyler says, then before he sounds like a stalker, adds, “Your name tag. My name’s Tyler.”
“Nice to meet you, Tyler. Enjoy your food.” Jenna giggles and walks off to serve another customer.
“How’d it go?” Josh whispers when he finally comes back to the table. The neon sign in the window behind him makes his hair glow a dull red.
“She knows our names now.” Tyler says. “That’s about it.”
“It’s a start.” Josh grins. “You’re blushing.”
“Shut up.”
Tyler drops Josh off outside his house and drives home. When he pulls into the driveway, he realises his dad’s car is gone. Shit. has he come out looking for him?. He knew he would get in trouble for this.
His parents bedroom light is on when he tiptoes to the top of the stairs. He considers slipping into his room and pretending he has always been there. But then he hears his mom crying, and the good son in him is compelled to go to her.
“Mom? Are you alright?”
“Oh, Tyler.” She sniffs, wiping her eyes. “Sorry, sweetheart, did I wake you?”
Tyler realises that, despite the fact he’s wearing his shoes and jacket, she has no idea he was out. The last thing he wants to do is lie to his mom right now, so he settles for, “It’s alright. What happened?”
“Sit.” Mom pats the bed beside her and Tyler sits down. “Your dad got a call about half an hour ago. Your grandma had a stroke and she died on the way to the hospital.”
“Oh, God.” Tyler wraps his arms around his mom. “Is dad okay? Where is he?”
“He’s gone to the hospital to meet your aunt. It might be a few days before he’s back.” Mom searches Tyler’s face, mouth pursed. “Are you alright, honey?”
“I- yeah, yeah.” Tyler nods. “It’s horrible, obviously, I love Grandma. But, y’know, she was ancient.”
“Yes, I suppose.” Mom chuckles a little. “If you’re upset about it, about anything, you can talk to me and your dad. You know that.”
“Of course I do.” Tyler says. He feels unsettled, but not upset. That will probably come in a couple of days when dad comes home and it hits Tyler that this is all real. “Are you gonna be okay if I go to bed?”
“Yes, sweetheart, you go back to sleep.”
Tyler returns to his room and hides his car keys in an old jewellery box he inherited from his great grandma. Then he remembers that his phone is still down by the river, so he can’t text Josh to tell him what happened. Instead he kicks off his shoes and lays down on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He expects to be here for a while.
Tyler could fall asleep in this class. World history, woo, who cares. Obviously he understands the point of learning history, he isn’t stupid, but Good Lord is it boring. Josh is doodling flowers on a sheet of paper ripped from Tyler’s notebook. He has a whole garden going from margin to margin.
Tyler leans over and draws a snail in the middle of it. Josh continues to draw flowers while Tyler populates the place with insects. Butterflies, worms, ladybugs, more snails. Their pens clash as they try to draw in the same place and they start giggling. The whole class, including the teacher, turns to stare at them.
“Mr Joseph.” The teacher says sternly.
“Sorry.” Tyler mumbles. When everyone has stopped staring at him, he whispers to Josh, “Why do they always call me out and not you?”
“I’m a perfect angel.” Josh shrugs.
As they’re leaving at the end of the day, the school counsellor calls Tyler from her office. He turns to Josh and shrugs.
“Meet you outside?”
Josh agrees and leaves while Tyler goes into the office. He’s met with the counsellor before, to deal with bullying incidents, but he doesn’t remember anything happening recently that he would be called in about.
“Tyler.” The counsellor says gently. Tyler doesn’t remember her name - the school goes through so many of them that it’s hard to keep track. “How are you doing?”
“Fine.” Tyler shrugs. He doesn’t know what else to say. His grades are fine, he’s fine, no one has tried to kick his head in behind the bike sheds recently. Nothing to talk about.
“That’s good. I just wanted to talk to you about some classes you skipped.” She shuffles through some papers.
“Oh, yeah. My bad.” Tyler says. He doesn’t like being confronted by adults. “I’ve stopped doing that.” Which is only true because he didn’t skip his last class today.
“It’s alright, Tyler, I understand things have been hard since-”
And then he’s lying on his bed again. It’s midnight, and he can hear his parents talking in their bedroom. When did he get home? Did he remember to drop Josh off?
His parents aren’t talking quietly, but they are talking about him. They must have assumed he’s asleep. That’s a pretty bold assumption to make given his habit of staying up far too late.
“How did he take it?” Dad asks.
“Fine. He was more concerned about you and me than anything else.” Mom says.
“And he didn’t… freak out?”
“No, not at all. It’s so strange.”
Oh. Did he not cry enough about Grandma? Sometimes he feels like every emotional reaction he has is the wrong one. Everything he does is somehow going to get him in trouble.
He picks his phone up off his nightstand. Him and Josh went to get it back on Sunday afternoon. The woods still scare him a bit but having Josh with him makes it easier.
Tyler shoots Josh a text asking if he’s home, then gets out his paints. His parents are talking quieter now so he can’t hear them. Clancy is almost finished - he’s considering making Nico next. He’s a newer creation of theirs, but their heroes need a villain.
Tyler’s phone rings at nine in the morning, waking him from a short, broken slumber. He groans as he fumbles for it on his nightstand. The only people who would call him at this time of day is Josh.
Isn’t Tyler supposed to be in school? It’s Wednesday, right? His parents must have forgotten to wake him up. Or they’re letting him take a few days off because Grandma died. He doesn’t remember if they agreed to that.
“Hello?” Tyler mumbles when he finally gets the phone to his ear.
“Hello, am I speaking to Tyler Joseph?”
I hope so, Tyler thinks, then says out loud. “Yeah?”
“Hi, I’m calling on behalf of your therapist. I’m afraid that because you’ve missed three of your sessions we are discharging you from our clinic.”
“Huh?” Tyler says. “You guys cancelled my last three sessions.”
“Unfortunately this is company policy. If you would like to go back on our waiting list, can we do that now?”
“Ugh, no. It’s fine, I don’t even need therapy.” Tyler hangs up and throws his phone back on his nightstand.
He doesn’t remember agreeing to go to therapy. He has no idea why he’s there. There’s nothing wrong with him.
Tyler’s parents still haven’t noticed that Josh stole his car keys back. If he times it right he can go out for a drive with Josh and get back without anyone noticing. Most of their drives are spent talking about Clancy and Torchbearer, or their new villain Nico. Every time they talk about this stuff it feels like the world gets bigger. Maybe it does, even if it only exists in their heads.
Neither of them has come up with an ending for this story. Tyler doesn’t want there to be one. If they have an ending then they have to stop talking about it. He wants to have conversations with Josh about things that aren’t real forever and ever. They will be in the nursing home, still discussing it all.
“You drive like an idiot.” Josh says during a lull in the conversation.
Tyler takes another turn too fast. “There’s no one out here.”
“That doesn’t mean you can-” Josh begins, but Tyler doesn’t hear the rest of his sentence..
The next thing he knows, he’s sitting on the side of the road. There’s something red dripping down his face and police sirens flashing in his eyes, making it hard to see. He looks behind him and sees his car in a ditch, smoke rising from the broken front end.
A paramedic crouches down in front of him, trying to assess whatever wound is making him bleed onto his jacket. Tyler can’t resist them, too stunned and confused. What happened? Where’s Josh?
“Where’s Josh?” He asks out loud.
“Who’s Josh?” The paramedic asks gently.
“My friend. He was in the car with me.” Tyler looks back at his car, but he can’t see anyone in the passenger seat. “Did you get him out?”
“There was no one in the car with you.” The paramedic waves down a nearby cop, probably responsible for all the lights. “Is there someone else in the car?”
“No, we checked it.” The cop confirms.
“Josh was in there!” Tyler insists loudly. “In the passenger seat, he must have gotten out before you got here.”
“Josh as in… Josh Dun?” The cop asks sceptically.
“Yeah!”
“Son-” The cop begins.
Then Tyler is in a hospital bed. He’s sitting up, staring at the blank wall across from him. When he reaches up and touches an aching spot on his forehead, there’s a bandage there.
“Tyler?” A soft voice asks. “Did you hear what I said?”
There’s a woman sitting next to his bed. A doctor, judging by her white coat. She isn’t smiling at him, but she doesn’t look mad either. And he has no idea what she just said.
“Uh, no. Sorry.” He shrugs. What day is it?
“I asked how much you remember of the last three days.” She says. He stares at her blankly. “Today is Thursday.”
“No, it’s Monday.” Tyler says “I remember it being Monday.”
“What do you remember from Monday, then?”
“I crashed my car.” Tyler recounts shakily. It comes flooding back to him all at once. “Josh, is he okay?”
“Josh wasn’t in the car with you. Listen to me.” The doctor requests firmly when he tries to argue. “Josh was not in the car with you, because he died over a month ago.”
Something in Tyler’s brain starts screaming, trying to tug him away from this moment. Trying to get him out of this reality. But it isn’t strong enough, not anymore. He has to sit in the reality that Josh… died.
“Still with me?” The doctor asks. Tyler nods slowly. “Good, that’s better. You’ve been dissociating whenever the topic has come up before. But it looks like the medication we prescribed you is starting to work.”
Oh. The gaps in his memory, everyone looking at him weird, the strange sympathy he has been getting from people. But Josh has been here the whole time, for the last month. As real as Tyler himself.
“But… I saw him?”
“You were hallucinating him, we think. Did you genuinely believe he was there?” The doctor asks.
Tyler nods slowly. “I didn’t know he was dead. No one told me.”
“Plenty of people tried to tell you, but every time it got brought up you would have a breakdown. Then a few hours later you would have forgotten again.” The doctor puts her hand on the bed, not touching him. “I’m very sorry to be the one to tell you properly.”
“What happened to him?” Tyler asks. Even now, he doesn’t remember. Nothing comes back to him. His memories of the last month all still have Josh in them.
“He drowned. Your parents told me it was in the river by his house. Apparently you weren’t there when it happened but you arrived just after.” The doctor says. “You found him.”
“I fell in the river. Last week. Josh pulled me out.” Tyler says. That’s the only part of this he can’t reconcile. Josh saved him from drowning. He felt his hand on his arm, tugging him to safety.
“I can’t explain that.” The doctor says. “These hallucinations can be very strong.”
“I did not hallucinate walking a mile home in wet shoes.”
The doctor chuckles. “I’m afraid I don’t have all the answers for you. A case like yours is very rare. But it’s good to see the medication is working. We want to keep you under observation for now, especially regarding the head wound you received in the crash.”
“So I can’t go to school?” Tyler asks. He doesn’t particularly want to go to school anyway.
“Your mother told me you got expelled for throwing a chair at a school counselor that tried to talk to you about Josh.”
“I got expelled?” Tyler does not remember doing that. It would explain why he has been off all week, though.
“You may have memory gaps for a while.” The doctor pats the bed twice and stands up. “I can send your parents in now, if you’d like. Or I can tell them to stay out for a bit.”
“I want my mom.” Tyler says on instinct.
More than anything, right now, he wants his mom to give him a hug. He feels the need to apologise to her. There must have been dozens of times in the last month where they were talking and then his memory stops. Did he yell at her? Did he scare her?
The doctor leaves and his parents come in. As soon as Tyler lays eyes on them, he bursts into tears. Mom hugs him tight while dad rubs his back.
“I’m sorry.” Tyler whispers between sobs. “I’m so sorry.”
“It’s alright sweetheart. It’s alright now.” Mom coos. “We’ve got you.”
Tyler has never actually been to the grave before. He confirmed that with his parents. Apparently he didn’t make it through the whole funeral before he became inconsolable and had to be taken home. He doesn’t remember that whole week. It’s unnerving, having such big gaps in his memory.
The headstone is very simple. Black with white writing that says Josh Dun, friend and son and brother. Tyler thinks it’s strange that they put friend first, even though Josh was a very good one. Tyler was Josh’s only real friend.
“This is weird.” Tyler says out loud. “My new therapist said I should try talking to you but my meds mean I can’t see you anymore. And like, you’re not here, are you?”
Josh doesn’t respond.
“My new therapist is okay. I’ve only been seeing her for a month but I think she gets me better than my old one. And she doesn’t cancel my sessions, so that’s nice.” Tyler clicks his tongue. “She keeps having to convince me to not stop taking my meds when I miss you too much.”
“I asked Jenna out, though. You won’t know who Jenna is, I guess. You weren’t really there. She’s a girl I met at the diner. She’s nice, she didn’t think I was insane when I told her about you. I think you’d like her.
“I don’t know what else to tell you, really. I don’t do much except go to school, therapy and the diner.”
A cold wind runs through him, sending a shiver down his spine. If he believed in ghosts he would think that’s a sign from Josh. He knows that Josh would, at the bare minimum, launch something at his head if he was haunting him, though.
“Oh, I got you something.” Tyler rummages around in his bag. “Flowers are lame so I finally finished them.”
Tyler pulls out the miniatures of Clancy and Torchbearer. He crouches down to the height of Josh’s headstone and shows them to him. After a moment, Tyler places them at the base of the stone.
“I guess I’ve been coming up with everything myself for the last two months, but it was still fun to talk to you about them.” Tyler bites his lip. “I can’t decide if I’m going to write them down or keep it just for us. I guess I need more time. That’s what everyone keeps telling me. More time. I guess if you don’t have any more I might as well use what I’ve got.”
Tyler straightens up and stares at the grave a little longer. It’s still hard for him to believe Josh is in there. He hasn’t remembered what happened at the river and honestly he doesn’t want to. That can stay locked away forever. He likes the memories of Josh he has, sitting in the sun by the river, a smile on his face.
“Bye, Josh. I’ll come back. If she doesn’t think it’s weird I’ll bring Jenna with me sometime. You’ll like her.”
Despite his words, Tyler stands there for a while longer, just staring at the grave. Josh isn’t in there. He’s down by the river, sitting in the sun.
Tyler takes the long way home.