Work Text:
[THE FOLLOWING BELOW IS THE LATEST THERAPY SESSION OF PATIENT #323322 ONLY TO BE VIEWED BY AUTHORIZED PERSONNEL. ANY ILLEGAL TRANSFER OF THIS DOCUMENT WILL BE TRACKED DOWN AND CONFINED BY LAW ENFORCEMENTS.]
MANDATORY THERAPY SESSION #68
PATIENT #323322 - BILL CIPHER
REFERRED BY THE AXOLOTL
CRIMES AGAINST REALITY: MEMORY LAUNDERING, BREAKING AND ENTERING THE FABRIC OF SPACE-TIME, CHRONO-INFANTI-REGICIDE, MULTILEVEL MARKETING, PSYCHIC TORTURE, THE “2ND DIMENSION INCIDENT”, WEIRDMAGGEDON.
RECOMMENDATION: INDEFINITE KARMIC REHABILITATION
THERAPIST: [REDACTED]
[START]
[THERAPIST]: You must be Patient #323322, correct?
BILL: I got a name, crab hands! It’s the one and only, Bill Cipher! Does everyone just use numbers for names?
[THERAPIST]: Only for patients. My name is [REDACTED], I will be hosting the session for today.
BILL: Yeah, no kidding. Now listen, you’re not here because I “need” therapy, you’re only here because you think I need it! Don’t listen to what the other staff tell you. Hell, they can barely keep a regulated schedule without one of these morons eating each other! Clearly I'm much more civilized than these freaks.
[THERAPIST]: Really, Cipher? It says here on your file that you’ve committed lots of heinous crimes, I believe you’re not much different than the others. Also, don’t use such language against your peers, this is a safe space for all.
BILL: Well I’m not feeling very safe here at all! You’ve got regulated activities and I’m forced to eat slop!
[THERAPIST]: You cannot eat at all.
BILL: They force me to interact with these weirdos as if we’re friends! I mean, who even needs friends anymore?! 0/10 for the “safe space” you people keep blabbering about!
[THERAPIST]: Do you really think you don’t need friends? What would make you think that?
BILL: Come on, kid. You can’t tell me these loser-tier “villains” are compatible enough to even be acquaintances with a god like me? What about you? Do you have any friends here in this smiling cage? Go on, tell me!
[THERAPIST]: [STAMMERS] I think we’re getting a bit off track here.
BILL: Exactly! Not even the goof-offs who work here are enough to fulfill the empty void you have! You know if I had my powers back, I’d be able to bring you a great amount of pals! Just imagine it, [REDACTED].
[THERAPIST]: How about we get back to our previous conversation? We cannot be discussing anything that contradicts our work here.
BILL: Fine, fine. So what inspiring words do you have for me next? I’m clearly just dying to hear it!
[THERAPIST]: How have your sessions been lately? Anything interesting come up?
BILL: Horrible! All of them! All they ask about is my childhood! Clearly they’re the mentally unstable ones. Especially you, with your friend problem.
[THERAPIST]: Wouldn’t you consider the fact that the reason they ask that question is because they want to help you?
BILL: They’re helping me, all right. Helping me lose sense of hope! These dry meat-bags are the bane of my existence! If anything, they’re making me more lunatic than I ever have been!
[THERAPIST]: So you believe the methods we use aren’t satisfactory?
BILL: Less than satisfactory, they’re horrible. Isn’t this rehabilitation? Why not give a small planet to blow up to ease my mind instead of forcing inspirational quotes down my throat?
[THERAPIST]: We cannot supply you with a planet, but we can occupy you with one of our many recreational activities here.
BILL: See! Even you admit you people try to occupy my brilliant mind from doing what I love to do! And by that I mean destruction. At least a hamster?
[THERAPIST]: We cannot give you a hamster, either. But would you mind telling me why you love destruction?
BILL: Let me tell ya’ kid, destruction is possibly the best thing to be doing now. Everything from lowly humans to planets could be the most satisfying thing to be seen destroyed into pieces. We’re all gonna die and crash into each other at one point anyway, so what’s the matter? Who cares about future generations! Most of the destruction I did on earth was reasonable! Those vermin were going to collide on themselves anyway! If you saw the other half of their dimensions, you’d know better than to criticize my work. It was mercy for those dull-minded beings.
[THERAPIST]: So you’re telling me you don’t feel sympathy for others? Not even those you’ve hurt?
BILL: Hurt? No, I saved them from the eventual annihilation they’d create themselves! If anything, they should feel sympathy for me for even having to step foot in that deplorable rock!
[THERAPIST]: I mean sympathy for others in general, not just Earth.
BILL: Listen, pal. Sympathy’s a big hoax into fabricating people not to kill each other just long enough to gaslight themselves into thinking they've got it good. It all wouldn’t matter in the end since everyone dies alone, anyway!
[THERAPIST]: I see. Do you know where this mindset of yours comes from?
BILL: From my mind.
[THERAPIST]: Is there a certain place or person who’s told you something similar? Perhaps you’ve gained these thoughts from an experience?
BILL: You got the experience part right, I mean all I’ve ever seen from others is just murder and injustice and manipulation, no matter how much “sympathy” they have for each other!
[THERAPIST]: Where have you seen this?
BILL: All over the universe, from the Nightmare Realm to Earth to that pancake of a place I called home. Even here at the Theraprism! By the way, have you heard what the other staff are saying about you? Think you should look into that.
[THERAPIST]: …That’s not what we are talking about right now.
BILL: Yeah but it’s similar in fashion. Speaking of fashion, the previous therapist I had was gossiping about your sense of style…which you obviously don’t want to know about, I get it! We all have insecurities! Except me.
[THERAPIST] …What exactly did she say about me?
BILL: Oh lots of things!
[REST OF DIALOGUE CONSISTS OF AN HOUR OF TALKING ABOUT GOSSIP AROUND THE WORKPLACE. {REDACTED} WAS SHORTLY REMOVED FROM STAFF AFTER SESSION.]
[END]
NEXT SESSION SCHEDULED FOR: TOMORROW, 7AM
NOTE: WE NEED TO GET MORE PROFESSIONAL THERAPISTS.
NOTE: PATIENT SAYS MY HAIR IS LOOKING VERY STYLISH TODAY. WILL CONSIDER GETTING HIM A SMALL PLANET TO DESTROY BY UPPER-MANAGEMENT’S PERMISSION.
ALL HAIL THE AXOLOTL
DOCUMENT: #2515211215151171515420154125