Work Text:
2009 - Age 14
"Does it ever bother you?," Michael asked thoughtfully.
Calum sighed heavily and caught the soccer ball he had just thrown in the air.
"Mate, what the fuck," he said, "you can't just ask random things out of nowhere and expect me to know what the fuck you're talking about."
Calum and Michael were sprawled out on Calums bed. Calum guessed they were supposed to do homework, at least that's what his mum expected them to do after she had picked them up from school and they had had lunch, but instead Michael had been playing on his Nintendo DS and Calum had been throwing a soccer ball into the air and catching it again and again.
Well, until now.
"Does it ever bother you that you've never kissed anyone before?," Michael asked.
"No! Mate, I'm thirteen. I have plenty of time left, dude," Calum sounded almost disgusted.
"I know other people who are thirteen and have a girlfriend," Michael argued.
"Well, we're not 'other people', Mike," Calum butted in, "We're us. And we've got time. Why the hell are you bringing this up now?"
"I don't know," Michael shrugged, "I saw Puke making out with someone today and I guess it got me wondering."
Calums sighed and threw up the ball again.
"Can you, like, stop obsessively hating Luke Hemmings? It's getting ridiculous."
"I'll never not hate Puke Lemmings. He sucks," Michael sounded pleased.
"He does, but you're way too passionate about it. Get a hobby," Calum muttered.
"Okay. Wanna make out?," Michael asked.
"Michael what the fuck?," Calum dove away from him so fast that he fell off his bed. Michael hadn't even moved an inch.
"I was kidding, you turd," Michael snickered.
Calum goraned and pushed off the ground.
"Here you fucktard," Calum grabbed his heavy maths book from the table and threw it at Michael, "Do our homework!"
"I'm not good at math! You do it," Michael wined.
"No. It'll help you get better. I'll do our English assignment."
"People who are good at math suck," Michael muttered while flipping through the textbook, "Look at Puke."
"For fucks sake, Mike!," Calum threw his hands up in dispair.
_______________
2010 - Age 15
Calums bedroom was silent except for the sound of felt tip markers scratching over cardboard to form words. Calum and Michael were actually working on a school project. Together.
Usually Michael would let Calum do all the projects, because Michael either didn't care if he got an F for the project, or simply not showed up to school on presentation day. Calum, however, needed good grades to get the soccer scholarship he dreamed of.
So Calum naturally didn't want to distract Michael from the work he was doing, but he just couldn't forget what had happened a mere two hours ago. Luke Hemmings had approached Michael after music class and had asked him if he would want to do the project with him.
Obviously Michael had told him no, since he, by default, always did his projects with Calum. But it still left Calum dumbfouded and wondering when they had started being friends. Had Calum been so caught up in being both their friends and the middle man?
"I still can't believe you're talking to Luke now," Calum finally burst out. He sat his pen down and looked at Michael, "Like, last month he was still your archenemy."
"He wasn't my archenemy," Michael frowned and looked up from the poster they were working on.
"Mike. You wanted to kill him. He wanted to kill you."
"Okay. Maybe we were a bit intense. We didn't even know each other," Michael said thoughtfully, "he's not that bad."
"I told you that, like, a million times," Calum whined.
"Well, he is still annoying. But he's talented," Michael shrugged.
"What so you want to use him for his fame?," Calum snickered, "Dude we both could probably get 200 views on YouTube of we wanted to."
"No," Michael said thoughtfully, "I like talking about music with him. And also making music with him. He gets it, you know?"
Calum looked at him sideways.
"I'm making music as well," he said quietly, "we are making music together all the time and talk about it."
"Aw, pal," Michael smirked, "C'mon you'll always be my best friend. You don't have to be jealous of Pukey. I thought you'd be happy you don't have to be the middle man anymore."
"I'm not jealous," Calum frowned, "I'm just-" Calum shrugged. "I'm just me."
"Well, just you is just perfect to me, Cal," Michael said and drew him in for a hug.
"And Puke will never get my special hugs. They are reserved for you," Michael said.
Calum laughed.
"Okay. Thanks man. You can let go now, no need to crush me. And no homo." Michael rolled his eyes and let Calum go.
"Wanna make out?," Michael asked and stuck his tounge out.
"Still a hard no. Get a girlfriend, you horny fucker. Or go make out with Luke," Calum rolled his eyes.
"Hm. Maybe I will," Michael said sarcastically and turned back to the poster. Something in Calums chest felt weird when Michael muttered the words but he couldn't put his finger on it.
_______________
2011 - Age 16
"This was a bad idea," Calum mumbled, more to himself than to Michael.
"Come on mate," Michael nuged him, "It'll be fun!"
"Getting shitfaced in your granny flat with Luke and a stranger when we should be practicing for our first gig ever?," Calum frowned.
"Ashton isn't a stranger, Cal," Michael rolled his eyes.
"I've never met that dude!," Calum whined.
"'Cause you're always at soccer practice!," Michael shot back.
"Mike," Calum glared, "You know how important practice is."
"So is the band," Michael muttered.
Calum sighed. "Of course it is, mate. I'm sorry I missed so many practices recently."
"Ash is pretty cool. He's nice and, like, a good kind of weird," Michael smiled, "And the best at playing drums in the area. He's like super good."
"Okay, well I'm excited to finally meet him," Calum said.
"That's a lie, pal," Michael laughed and plugged his guitar in.
Calum shrugged. "Don't like new people. It's not him, it's me."
A few hours later they were laying on the floor of Michaels granny flat, facing each other. Both of them were bleary eyed and breathing slowly. Ashton and Luke had passed out on the bed in the adjacent room a while ago while Michael and Calum had still been to fired up to go to bed. Instead they had played video games on Michaels xbox until a few minutes ago.
Now, they were laying on the rough, threadbare carpet and staring at each other.
"So, Ash?," Michael asked quietly.
"He's pretty cool," Calum mumbled, "Bit weird. And his purple shirt is awful. But he's really good at drumming and it's impressive how much he knows about it."
"Yeah," Michael mumbled, "pretty sure we'll smash the gig next week."
Calum smiled. "I'd hope so."
"We're gonna go far," Michael whispered, "I know it."
"You think so?," Calum asked quietly.
"I know it," Michael nodded.
"And then?," Calum asked small.
"I don't know. It doesn't matter," Michael whispered softly, "As long as I got you on the ride with me, I'll be alright."
Calum blushed and smiled small.
Michael reached out a hand and brushed some stray curls from Calums forehead. Usually, Calum would've drawn away from the touch but he was too drunk to digest what this kind of moment meant for their friendship, and why he shouldn't like the physical attention he was getting.
"I'll always be there, I promise," Calum mumbled instead and held his pinky out. Michael hooked his pinky in Calums. Instead of letting go, they rested their hands between them, still tangled together.
"I can't believe we've been friends for four years now," Calum marveled.
"Yeah, we're getting old. I'll be seventeen soon," Michael mumbled.
Calum snickered. "Any last wishes before you turn ancient, Cliffo?"
Michael thought about that for a second.
"I kinda wanna have my first kiss before I turn seventeen," Michael mumbled.
"That's in two days!," Calum exclaimed.
"I know," Michael pouted.
Calum was stupidly drunk. Michael stupidly desperate and confused.
Calums eyes flicked down to Michaels lips and then back up. The words were out before he could stop them.
"Does it have to be with a girl?"
Michael hesitated for a second. His eyes flicked down to Calums lips and he swallowed.
"No," he whispered then, "I don't think so."
Calum blushed for the second time that night. For a few moments neither of them moved. But then both boys seemed ready to throw all precaution over board.
"Wanna make out?," Michael asked with a small grin.
Calum didn't know if he wanted to or if he was just desperate for attention and drunk. He lazily shrugged one shoulder and stared right back at Michael with new found confidence.
Michael took that as enough of an answer and pushed himself up on his elbows before he leant down and pressed a short hard kiss to Calums lips. Calum thought it was nice, but he was too shocked to respond so he just laid there like a dead fish. Michael drew away and looked at him questioning.
Michaels eyes were glittering and a bit unfocused, his cheeks were a beautiful pink color and his ridiculously long fringe fell in his face. And all Calum could think about was that he wanted kiss him again.
Something in Calum kicked into motion and he pushed himself up to reconnect their lips in another awkward kiss.
When they drew away, seconds later, Michaels blush had spread to his ears and down his neck where it disappeared in the neckline of his shirt.
"First kiss before 17, check," Calum smiled up at him.
"Thanks mate," Michael mumbled.
"No worries," Calum muttered back and yawned.
"Let's pull out the couch and get ready for bed. Luke and Ashton have been cold out for two hours already," Michael grinned.
_____________
2013 - Age 17 & 18
In the dark it was really hard to find his way along the long empty hallway of the house. The fact that this was their second night in this house did not make it easier.
He fumbled his way along the wall towards the room at the far end of the corridor. From the kitchen downstairs he heard the faint noise of someone emptying the dishwasher and the sound reminded him of home for a second, which only added to the heavy feeling in his chest.
He knew that it wasn't his home or his mum tidying up downstairs while he was supposed to sleep to be rested for school in the morning.
This was a strange cold house in London, and Luke's mum tidying up so they could catch some sleep before the first important meetings with their new label and then the boys from One Direction in the morning.
And while he was incredibly grateful for the opportunity they had gotten, and also liked Liz a lot, he still missed home, soccer, his friends and his mum.
Once Calum had arrived at the door he had been looking for, he decided not to knock, afraid Liz might hear him and sent him back to bed. Instead he softly pushed it open and stuck his head through the slit.
"Mikey?," he whispered into the darkness and heard rustling from the bed before a very tired sounding Michael asked "Cal?"
Calum slipped inside the room and quietly closed the door behind him. By the time he was standing next to Michaels bed, Michael was already sitting up.
"What?," Michael rubbed his eyes.
"I can't sleep. This house is empty and cold and," Calum swallowed his tears, "and unfamiliar."
Michael sighed. He scooted over and gestured for Calum to join him in his bed which was way too tiny for two lanky seventeen year old boys. But this was what Calum had come for and so he squeezed himself in next to Michael and layed on his side, facing the older boy.
"I'm sorry I woke you up," Calum whispered, his nose almost touching Michaels.
"I wasn't really sleeping," Michael mumbled, "Just drifting in and out. Too much on my mind."
"Same," Calum whispered.
"Are you nervous?," Michael asked.
"Shitting bricks," Calum muttered, "You?"
"Fuck yeah," he sighed, "What if they change their minds? I mean, look at us. We're four underage lanky pale teens with mediocre cover songs and, like, three originals. How can we possibly play Wembley Arena next month? They'll realize their mistake."
"Shut up Mike," Calum said, "We're awesome. We can do this. They have faith in us. Our parents have faith in us. We should be the ones having the most faith is us. I do believe in us, and remember what you told me last year?"
"We're gonna go far," Michael immediately said.
"And I believe you. Do you believe yourself?," Calum asked.
Michael nodded small.
"Good," Calum was satisfied and the coil of anxiety had loosened by the time he had finished his peptalk. He had hyped up both himself and Michael.
"And you?," Michael asked now, "Homesick?"
Calum looked down and shrugged one sholder.
"That's okay, you know?," Michael said softly.
"At least I have you," Calum smiled small, "you're like home."
He looked back up at Michael. The moonlight shining through the window illuminated the left side of his face, painting sharp shadows under his cheekbones and working out the faint soft stubble on his chin. His emerald eyes were big and shining and watching Calums every move.
"You'll always have me," Michael whispered back.
They layed on their sides, staring at each other in silence for a few minutes. This should've been awkward after a while but for some reason, both boys were happy studying the planes and curves of each other's faces and taking in everything they could to compartmentalize it.
Calum suddenly saw the hint of a smile creeping onto Michaels lips.
"Wanna make out?," Michael whispered.
Calums heart picked up it's pace. It's been over a year since the last time they had kissed and back then they had been drunk. But Calum yearned for the familiarity of the pale boy in this cold and strange house and what happened in the dark stayed in the dark. Right?
"No," Calum whispered back, "Not make out. But.."
Michael raised an eyebrow. Calum softly inched forward until their lips were inches apart. Michael leant in to finally connect them in a short, tender kiss.
When they drew away, both boys had a blush coloring their cheeks. But some of the anxiety had vanished from the pit of his stomach, replaced by a soft fluttering when he looked back at the boy next to him.
"Good night, Cal Pal," Michael whispered.
"Night, Mikey," Calum whispered back and finally closed bis heavy eyes.
_______________
2014 - Age 18
Calum was bouncing off the walls. And Michael didn't mean that in a metaphorocal way.
When he stepped out of the shower in his sweatpants, toweling his hair dry, Calum was bouncing around the hotel room.
"Dude," Michael huffed and slung the damp towel over the back of a chair, "Calm the fuck down."
"How?," Calum glared at him, "How are you not excited?"
"Cal," Michael fell down on the king-size bed, "I have been hyper all day. I am fucking exhausted now. Let me sleep."
"No sleep!," Calum yelled insulted and jumped on the empty side of the bed, "Mate, we just shot our first ever music video! We need to celebrate!!"
"We need sleep," Michael rolled his eyes.
"No sleep today," Calum glared and folded his legs under him, "We're only young once."
"Shut up," Michael mumbled and got back up to put on a shirt that was laying on the floor next to the bed.
"No!," Calum whined, "Mikeeeeee. C'mon!"
"You're like an annoying fucking puppy," Michael huffed frustrated.
"That's not even an insult," Calum snickered, oblivious to Michaels growing annoyance.
"Calum, please fucking settle down," Michaels patience was wearing thin.
"Nu-hu," Calum sinsang and started bouncing on the bed, "No sleep for you. Let's celebrate. We need to remember this day forever!"
"Shut up Calum," Michael muttered and crawled back into bed, "We're gonna remember this day forever anyway. This was our first video shoot with a budget. And if we don't catch sleep now we'll remeber tomorrow as the day we messed up our careers because we went to promo completely sleep deprived and stupid."
"No," Calum continued to bounce on the mattress, "I'm so awake Mike. I'm so awake, I can't lay down. C'mon, let's do something!"
"Stop bouncing! I am fucking exhausted, mate! So shut the fuck up, will you?," Michael now yelled.
"Make me!," Calum yelled back, still amused. His adrenaline levels were up with the fairies.
"Oh yeah?," Michael yelled back.
"Yes," Calum glared.
"Okay then, come here," Michael gestured for him to come closer. He was still clearing at Calum.
"Why?," Calum frowned.
"To get all the fucking dopamine and adrenaline out of your fucking system so I can catch some sleep," Michael huffed.
Calum crawled over to Michael without hesitation, completely trusting his best friend. Before he was all the way at the older boys side, Michael roughly janked him closer by the front of his sweater and connected their lips.
Calum let out a startled shriek and struggled to steady himself with his hands on the bed.
When Michael pushed Calum away after a few hard kisses, Calum gaped at him, all wide eyes and flushed cheeks.
"You didn't even ask if I wanted to make out this time," Calum gasped, trying to catch his breath and register what had just happened.
"You told me to make you shut up," Michael raised an eyebrow, "And I did, didn't I?"
Calum's eyes twinkled mischievously.
"I still wanna party though," Calum grinned.
"There's another way to let out your energy," Michael let the sentence hang in the air.
Calum caught on a few moments later and his mouth streched out in a grin.
Michael didn't waste another second before he hungrily reconnected their lips.
The kiss wasn't romantic. This had nothing to do with love. They were both high on adrenaline and low on sleep and looking for any kind of relief and comfort they could get. They were both fisting the material of each other's shirts in their hands, desperate to have something to hold on to while their mouths clashed. There was not tounge involved, but theeth.
Calum pulled away after a few more kisses and just stared at Michael for a few moments, catching his breath.
Michael felt his heart do weird things when he saw how red and puffy Calum's pretty lips were after the had just bitten down on them and how the red flush spread out on his cheeks and down his throat and chest.
"Does this get rid of your energy?," Michael quirked and eyebrow, heart fluttering at the way Calums big brown eyes were shining and still focused on his lips.
Calum startled out of his daze and distractedly pulled on the sleeve of his sweatshirt, a gesture Michael knew meant Calum was caught off guard and shying away.
"I don't know," the brown eyed boy stuttered and cast his eyes down. Because that's what they always were. Brutally fucking honest with each other.
"Go to sleep, Cal," Michael said softly and Calum violently shook his head.
"No, I-," he started but Michael gently pushed him down on Calum's side of the bed by his shoulders.
"Go to sleep," Michael smiled, "C'mon. We have promo in the morning. We both need fucking sleep."
Calum didn't put up another struggle, just crawled under the covers on his side of the bed.
"Good night, Mike. I love you," Calum whispered into the dark once Michael had turned the light off.
"Night, Cal Pal. Love ya too," Michael muttered, "Now please, finally, shut the fuck up."
"Princess needs beauty sleep," Calum snickered and instantly felt a cold foot collide with his chin. He yelped in pain but kept his mouth shut this time.
______________
2015 - Age 19
Another video shoot - and Calum was hyper again.
At least this time he knew he was being super fucking annoying.
But at the same time he really couldn't help it.
This morning he had gotten up at the ass crack of dawn to head out to the set of their new music video.
Which meant two things: First, he was running on four hours of sleep. Second: he was running on four shots of espresso and half an iced latte he was currently sipping on.
Throw in the nervousness he felt nagging at the core of his chest and the mix was perfect.
Music video shoots were one of Lukes favourite things, and one of Calums least favorites. Calum enjoyed being quiet and observant and not having a camera shoved in your face to record your every move. Every little mistake would forever be on film.
So, long story short, Calum was barely able to sit still. He was roaming around the set, talking and talking and talking, annoying his bandmates, annoying Michael in particular who was grumpy due to lack of sleep, and talking some more, all the while their videographer followed him to capture behind the scenes footage. He found that as long as he kept his brain busy but forming words and sentences, he didn't have time to focus on the knot of anxiety in his chest.
While Luke and Ashton were in hair and make-up, Calum glued himself to Michael, scared of being alone with a bunch of random people while not knowing what to do with himself.
Michael acted annoyed, but after years of friendship, Calum could clearly see when Michael was actually annoyed and when it was an act.
Calum had found a ladder in front of the house that served as their set and had started drumming on it with his hands.
Michael, who stood next to him, started adding a beat to Calums manic manhandling of the poor prop, which made Calums heart flutter. Michael held eye contact the whole time, trying to anticipate Calums rhythm changes. Calum drew his eyebrows together in fake concentration and Michaels mouth twitched into a smile.
They continued the game until one of the set designers told them he needed the ladder.
The two of them stepped away and just stood there for a moment, awkwardly looking around. The videographer was still shoving the camera in their face and Calum felt like he needed to do.. something. So he began pulling faces while Michael still stared around. Calum looked at the insides of his palms, which were reddened due to him using them as drumsticks on a metal surface, and brought them up to chest.
"Don't know what to do with these things, usually," he commented while he inspected his hands.
Michaels eyes flicked over to him. For a few moments, Michael looked at Calum before a smile tugged at his mouth.
"Wanna make out?," he asked, out of the blue.
Calum froze and tried his best to keep the goofy smile plastered on his face while his heart missed a beat.
How. The fuck. Could Michael just ask that infront of everyone.
Calum slowly lowered his hands, heart hammering against his ribcage and painfully aware of both Michaels eyes and the camera on him. He raised his eyebrows and acted like he hadn't heard what Michael had just said.
And Michael fucking Clifford had the audacity to shrug innocently and repeat the question. Calum tried his best to hide the blush creeping on his face and cast a swift looked behind him, but luckily nobody seemed to have heard Michael except for him and the videographer.
"I'm just gonna ignore what you just said," Calum muttered and cast his eyes down.
Michael turned to the camera and shrugged again.
Calum still tried his hardest to catch up to his thoughts and get rid of the heat in his face.
He didn't know where to go from there. He couldn't believe Michael had just asked that question, their question, in the middle of the day without an excuse to cover it up.
This was a joke, right? They always joked about this in the band. Calum needed to get his head straight and take it for what it was. A joke.
After a few more moments, Calum took a deep breath and softly shook his head before he looked up to find that Michael had slipped away while he was distracted.
Good, he thought, I don't know if I can look at him without blushing again.
Calum went off in the direction of the trailers to sit down somewhere and distract himself by scrolling through his phone. And it worked, as long as he kept scrolling to get the dopamine kick his algorithm provided him.
But as soon as he locked his phone, the anxious knot returned to the pit of his stomach. He sat in silence for a while longer before he couldn't take it anymore.
With a sigh he got up in search of his best friend again. Confrontation was better than hiding.
Calum hoped he hadn't made things awkward between them. He had sucessfuly convinced himself that Michael had meant it as a joke and Calum had reacted like the stupidest person ever instead of going along with it.
But screw Michael for looking so beautiful today. Nobody had given him the right.
It didn't take Calum long to find Michael. He saw the older boy sitting in the shade under a tree, chatting to the videographer.
Calum strolled over and couldn't contain his grin when he saw Michael already rolling his eyes at him.
Calum plopped down beside his best friend with a sigh, instantly trowing both arms around him and pressing their cheeks together.
"Every time it's just us," Michael huffed out but his face wore a smile.
"Hey buddy," Calum beamed, putting more emphasis than needed on the word buddy while also trying to press himself as close to Michael as possible. Michael was staring off straight ahead.
"Hey," Michael muttered annoyed, but still smiling.
"Aren't you happy to see me?," Calum mumbled.
"No, I hate you," Michael huffed.
"No you don't," Calum grinned, "You love me. I know it. I'm telepathic."
Michael snorted.
"We do this thing where we-," Calum looked at the camera, then over at Michael, who was still staring into the distance.
"No," Michael said flatly.
"-where we do one word each," Calum explained to the camera.
"Nope," Michael muttered "No, we don't do that."
Calum drew away from Michael a bit but still had an arm slung around his shoulder.
"I can read your mind," he sounded pleased with himself.
"Okay," Michael jumped on, "What am I gonna say?" Michael finally looked at Calum.
"You're gonna say," Calum hesitated, momentarily distracted by Michaels eyes mustering his face, "that... I can't read your mind."
Michael's mouth stretched into a smile again and he nodded his head appreciatively. He then turned his head to make a funny face into the camera and Calum mimicked him.
The videographer turned off the camera and went off in search of Luke and Ashton.
Michael and Calum sat next to each other in silence for a moment. Michael was mustering his shoes and Calum couldn't shake the feeling he was trying hard to avoid looking directly at Calum.
So Calum promptly decided to throw all precaution over board.
"The fuck was that back there?," Calum asked quietly once he knew everyone was out of earshot.
"What?," Michael asked innocently.
"Bro, you know exactly what," Calum glared.
Michael shrugged.
"You can't just ask that out of nowhere in a situation like that," Calum sounded a bit hysteric now.
"Why not? People will think it's a joke," Michael frowned.
"Well, I know it's not a joke," Calum muttered.
"How do you know that?," Michael smirked, finally turing to look at Calum.
"I.. I-," Calum sputtered, "I just know." He stubbornly jutted his chin out.
"Ah. And what? Did it bother you?," Michael asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I-," Calum was at a loss of words, "Yes?"
"Why?," Michael asked, smirking.
"It's our question. It's... something private. Just for us. Not for the world. And... only on special occasions..," he tried to explain, "only.. desperate times. Not.. in the middle of the day-"
"Well, the way you look today is definitely a special occasion and also a desperate time," Michael commented, rendering Calum red and speechless again. Michaels grin softened.
"You're such a hopeless idiot," he snickered slightly, "Seriously? One compliment and your brain is useless? I thought I had to put in more effort."
Calum didn't know where all of this was coming from. They had never talked like this before. Apart from the usual joke-flirt in the band, the two of them had never straight up flirted before. Not like this. Not like Michael meant every last word he had just said.
He couldn't believe what Michael was implying. Maybe he was still sleeping because this scenario was very similar to his wildest dreams.
"I get it, okay? Sorry I asked that out of the blue, I got a bit carried away," Michael said calmly, "But damn the question stands. If you wanna make out later, you know where my hotel room is. And if not, forget this conversation ever happened." Michael winked.
And shit. After this, Calum had an even harder time to concentrate on the videoshoot.
_______________
2016 - Age 20
Being on tour was both the best time of his life and the worst time of his life.
Calum was entirely grateful for the opportunity to tour the world and play music to thousands of fans every night. He loved what he did, loved experiencing this all with his best friends, loved knowing that what he did changed lifes.
But the ongoing cycle of hyping himself up for the show, being high on adrenaline and, most of the time, alcohol, then the crash after a show and dragging himself to the bus to head to another city and catch a few blissful hours of sleep before doing it all over again really tore at the core of what held him together.
They were nearing the end of their second headline show, Sounds Live Feels Live, and they were all operating on their last reserves of energy, patience and nerve.
Tonight was a blissful night of knowing they had the day off tomorrow. Tonight, Calum would be able to catch up on sleep in an actual bed, in a comfortable hotel room, and not on a bus.
He was grateful that the times in when they all had shared a room, had pushed their beds together and shared secret cuddles under the cover of the dark night to wallow in the illusion of home and familiarity in the midst of all the madness were over.
He obviously loved his band mates, more than anything. He also still enjoyed a good band hug and a cuddle here and there.
But he did, after all, spend each and every night cramped with them in a moving box that rattled them awake every time the bus driver missed a hole in the road. If they were not woken up by one of them snoring before that.
So he did deserve to feel elated at the prospect of having his own quiet hotel room to return to tonight.
Right now tough, sleep was a concept for future Calum.
Michael and him had worked out how to get to the roof of the hotel pretty quickly after stumbling across the emergency excess door labeled "ROOF" on their nightly exploring tour of the hotel.
They should probably have taken a shower and headed straight to bed, like the other two boys did, but Michael had texted Calum, asking if he would want to explore a bit, like they always had when they were younger.
Calum did not regret his decision.
He was currently perched on a junction box on the roof of a hotel in Toronto. The city was alight with lights that looked like a sea of glitter at their feet and there was still a sliver of orange on the horizon, even though it was nearing midnight.
Calum took a long drag from his cigarette and tipped his head back. The nicotine in his system calmed him down and the alcohol blurred the edges.
He slowly let the smoke out, breathing it in a cloud above his head and closing his eyes after watching it dissipate.
"This year we're gonna be best friends for eight years," Michael mumbled from his spot next to Calum, "That's a hella long time."
"Eight years?," Calum asked impressed.
"Yeah man," Michael smiled, "been friends since 2008, dude."
Calum took another swig from the bottle.
"Are we friends?," Calum asked quietly.
"What?," Michael frowned confused, "Of course we are! You're my best friend, Cal!"
Calum nodded his head absently and stared out at the skyline.
"What the fuck dude?," Michael asked, still irritated and nuged his shoulder against Calums, "If we're not friends what else would we be?"
Calum shrugged one sholder and drew one knee up to his chest to wrap an arm around it. The other one still dangled over the edge. He took another drag of his cigarette and pointedly avoided to look at Michaels face.
"What?," Michael snapped.
"No," Calum shook his head, "nothing. I just thought friends didn't share kisses. Or y'know. Make out."
"We never really made out," Michael muttered but his demeanor had changed. He was almost shy now.
"Well still, my point stands," Calum stubbed his cigarette out between them, "Friends shouldn't want to have sex with each other but I definitely do."
"Wha-," Michael gaped at Calum, "You-? You want to have sex with me?"
"Oh yeah," Calum took another sip of alcohol, "C'mon mate I've been pretty vocal about it."
"You say a lot of dumb shit every day, Pal," Michael muttered.
"I'm pretty sure there's literally a video of me singing about how I want to have sex with you on the internet," Calum replied.
"Same thing, there are a lot of videos of us talking shit on the internet. How many pantless videos or pictures are there? The fans don't even question it anymore when we walk around half naked. There's literally a video of your dick online," Michael clapped back, eager to make his point.
"Thanks for the reminder," Calum rolled his eyes, "And well, I meant it this time. Dude, you're hot. I'm horny. And you're a really good kisser. Makes me wonder what else you could do with your mouth. I'd love to have sex with you."
"Don't say that," Michael mumbled.
"Why not?," Calum huffed, "Because you won't be able to play pretend anymore?"
"What's up with you?," Michael frowned and turned his body to the side so he was facing Calum.
Calum smirked around the cigarette between his lips.
"This was your cue to ask me if I wanted to make out," he muttered.
Michael rolled his eyes and took the bottle from Calum. "Shut up. The alcohol made you stupid again."
"No," Calum snapped now, "I had, like, four sips. This is not the fucking alcohol talking."
"Calum, we're not doing this right now," Michael snapped back.
"Yes we fucking are," Calum stood up abruptly and turned around to face Michael, still sitting on the box. "Michael, if you seriously think that what we have is "just friends" then there's something really fucking wrong with you. Me might've been best friends once but fuck, Michael, I've been falling in love with you since we were 16 years old. And at first I didn't realize because I was stupid and the whole falling in love process was slow and dragged out like a piece of gum but damnit. I'm not sure where I'm going with this." He inhaled deeply after he was done yelling.
"Calum, what the fuck," Michael rubbed his temples, "Shut up."
"No," Calum yelled.
"Yes! God damnit, fucking idiot. Calum, we are in a band. We are working together. Whatever this is, whatever we are, we have to get our shit together!," Michael yelled.
"I thought we agreed to always put our friendship and us first," Calum glared back.
"The band is our fucking dream," Michael snapped, "And everything we have worked for!"
"And what about me? What about us, our dream?," Calum yelled, now there was an edge of desperation in his voice.
"Kisses won't pay our fucking bills, Calum!," Michael snapped.
"What about 'I don't know what will happen but I'll be fine as long as I got you?'," Calums eyes were fires now, his words venom.
"That still stands," Michael said, and suddenly all anger had left his body, "I need you beside me. But, as a friend. Because with everything going on right now, with all the shit we are going through, all the people exploiting us, taking advantage of us? We're caught up in a mad clusterfuck and I don't have the mental capacity to also deal with whatever we are."
Calum's lips twitched but he didn't say anything, just stared back at Michael.
"C'mon, Cal," Michael said quietly, "You know I'm right."
"No," Calum said quietly.
"Cal, seriously?," Michael asked, still calm, "Look, Luke is struggling. He's really, really, not doing well. Ash is like really fucking close to relapsing. I am struggling. I'm struggling a whole fucking lot. And I know you are too. We'd only cut each other on out broken parts. We need to fix ourselves up first before we can move on to bigger things. And we both need to look out for Luke and Ash, too. There's... simply no space for this, for us, now. I-" Michael struggled for words, "I don't want to screw this up, Cal. With you, there is too much at stake. If we're gonna do this, I want to do this right. And at this moment, there's no way to do this right. We'd both break. The band would possibly break, too."
Calum had tears pooling in his brown eyes but his posture remained upright and strong.
He looked at Michael for a long moment before nodding his head. He still didn't say anything.
"I need you, Calum. I need my best friend. Please," Michael pleaded softly.
Calum hesitated a moment before he came over and wrapped his arms around Michael. Their bodys slotted perfectly against each other like they always had, and for a blissful moment, everything was alright.
"Thank you for being honest," he said softly, "I'll always be there. Mike, whatever we are, or may be in the future, you'll always be my best friend. My home."
Michael nodded against Calums shoulder.
"Just to be clear," Michael said, "I'm not rejecting you. As I said, I just don't have the energy or mindest to deal with any of this. And even if you don't want to admit it, you don't have it either. So before we fuck it up, we shouldn't take the risk. There's too much at stake."
"Yeah," Calum nodded and tightened the hug, "Yeah. You're right. Fuck. When did you become the rational one?"
"I've always been the rational one, dumbass," Michael mumbled and closed his eyes against Calums shoulder.
_______________
2017 - Age 21
The room was dead silent. Calum stared at the white paper in his lap, completely at a loss of words.
Not ideal, really, when words were what payed your rent.
This writing session should have gone way better than this. Calum had been looking forward to it the whole week, but now it was here, he completely blacked out.
Maybe it was because Ash wasn't here. Calum and Ashton were writing partners, and Luke and Michael were the other pair. That's what they had established during their first album and when they went in for the second album, none of them challenged the order. It worked for them.
So, Calums writers block definitely was because Ashton wasn't here. Not because the other person in the room completely rendered him stupid by just existing.
Calum forced himself not to look at Michael since it wouldn't help him one bit, but he felt the older boys presence like a constant humming in his body.
Michael and Calum sat on opposite ends of the couch, which was only designed to fit two people in the first place.
Calum had his legs folded under him and an almost empty writing block in his lap while Michael was opposite of him with one leg folded under him and one dangling off the couch. Their knees were almost touching and Calum had the urge to reach out and run his fingers over the exposed skin peaking through the rips in his jeans.
It's been a year since the confrontation on the rooftop in Toronto and they hadn't done anything friends wouldn't do ever since. You'd think it'd help Calum get a grip on himself and get over the worst of his crush on Michael, but no.
He just got better at hiding it.
Calum dared a glance at his bandmate and found Michael staring back at him.
Calums heart twitched but he raised a sassy eyebrow.
"The fuck are you looking at?," he asked.
"You," Michael said flatly, sending Calum reeling again.
"Bro, we said we'd do the stupid writing exercise," Calum whined, "So get on with it. We really need to come up with a few concepts today."
"I'm doing it, mate," Michael glared back.
"You're staring at me!," Calum clapped back, "You're supposed to write down what you had for fucking breakfast."
The writing exercise was supposed to get you into the headspace for creative writing. It required you to write down something super boring and ordinary, like what you had for breakfast, while trying to describe it in ridiculous detail and using the grandest metaphors.
"That's not the task, man," Michael frowned, "I could literally write about this fucking couch. It doesn't have to be my breakfast."
"Okay, then what do you have?," Calum challenged.
Michael suddenly got defensive and pressed the block against his chest.
"No," Michael pouted, "Not done yet."
Calum huffed and turned back to his paper.
While trying to come up with words to describe the dry flowers sitting on the table infront of them, he felt Michaels eyes on him again.
"Bro," Calum muttered, eyes not leaving the flowers, "I can feel you staring."
"It's part of the exercise," Michael muttered.
"Gimme that," Calum huffed and lunged for Michaels block, ripping it from his hands.
"What the fuck," Michael yelled, "Give it back, asshole!"
Calum held it away from Michael and scanned over the first two lines.
His whole body froze.
"You're unfair," Michael muttered weakly, and Calums eyes glided over to him. A faint blush was coating Michaels cheeks.
"Did you-," Calum asked softly, "Is this about me?"
Michael rolled his eyes. "About who else would it be, genius?"
Calum slowly lowered the block and scanned over the next two lines.
"I," he watched Michael in awe, "This is really really good."
"Shut up," Michael huffed and looked away, the blush intensifying.
"Bro, I'm telling you!," Calum urged and started reading out the words Michael had strung together.
"I love the light in your eyes and the dark in your heart.
You love the permanent chase and the bite to our bark.
So deep your DNA's being messed with my touch."
Calums heart hammered hard against his ribcage and his hands became clammy.
Calum's breath caught in his throat as he took in everything from Michaels flannel to his beanie, his cast down eyes and his red cheeks. The older boy was rubbing his anchor tattoo and pointedly avoided looking at Calum.
Without thinking, Calum reached out and grabbed the front of Michaels flannel, yanking him closer until he was able to place a kiss on Michaels pink lips.
Michael immediately responeded. He put his hands on Calums shoulders and drew him closer, deepening the kiss. The kiss was hard, demanding, but unlike when they were younger, this time there was a underlying gentleness as well. Unlike back in the day, this wasn't casual anymore. Now the kiss had everything to do with love.
When they parted for air, Calum sunk back into the couch. Both men stared at each other, wide eyed and redlipped, trying to catch their breaths.
Eventually, Michaels lips tugged up into a soft smile.
"That was nice," he said quietly.
"Yeah," Calum nodded breathlessly, "rellay nice."
They grinned at each other for a few more moments before Michael started giggling.
"God, I really missed your kisses," he admitted shyly.
"Me too," Calum nodded.
The silence between them streched out until Michael decided he'd have to be the first one to talk this time.
"I think the decision last year was right," he said quietly, "we were wrecks."
Calum nodded softly. "Yeah."
"But now, we have time to breath. And, y'know, figure stuff out. We won't release another album until next year and... we just have time. For the first time. So, I guess I was wondering if you'd wanna use a bit of that time to...," Michael cast his eyes down and a blush crept back on his cheeks, "Maybe figure us out. We would have all the time in the world to take it slow. To... do it right. Like we never could before."
Calums heart felt like it was about to implode. His blood pressure must be skyrocketing right now and he felt his whole body starting to shake slightly.
"Yes," he breathed, once he found his voice again, "God, Mike. Of course. Yes."
Michaels eyes flicked back up to meet Calums and he smiled.
"Okay," his green eyes shone like stars, "Can I take you out for dinner after this?"
"Yes. You can take me out. Or we can order food and stay home. Whatever, I don't care. Do whatever you want to me," Calums brain had peaced out two sentences ago.
"I'd like to take you out for dinner," Michael smiled, "I want a classic first date."
Calum couldn't do anything other than nod.
"Now let me hear your lines," Michael challenged.
Calum smiled sheepishly.
"Yeah, I didn't get much done. But essentially, we had the same idea," Calum retrieved his block from under Michaels and held up the three words he had sprawled on the page.
Wanna make out?
"Hell yes," Michael grinned and crawled over to sit in Calums lap. He put his hands on both sides of Calums face and bent down to reconnect their lips. Calums brain was finally able to catch up with what was happening and he happily sighed into the kiss while they seemingly tried to make up for all the lost kisses over the past year.
And at the end of the day, they did end up with a pretty good song draft.
_________________
BONUS:
Calum felt like he was about to pass out. It's not like he hadn't see this coming. They had been together for seven years and had talked about marriage a lot, but nothing could have prepared him for seeing Michael kneel in front of him.
He watched his wildest dreams come true in front of his eyes.
"Oh god, I had a speech prepared but," Michaels voice was shaking, "I, uh... I feel like I can't breathe."
"It's okay," Calum laughed shakily and reached out to grab Michaels hands.
Michael held up a hand to stop him.
"No, let me get this right," he said stubbornly and cleared his throat, "Cal, you're my best friend. And the love of my life. I can't remember a life without you, and I never want to know a life without you. I love you, and I want to spend forever with you. Calum Thomas Hood...." Michael trailed off again and suddenly, his face scrunched up in what Calum knew was the face Michael made when he tried hard to surpress a grin, "Wanna make out with me?"
Calum groaned and made a show of rolling his eyes. He used the time to quickly wipe at his damp eyes and let out a shakey laugh. "Wow. Really?"
"No! Okay no, listen," Michael laughed but scrambled to get Calums attention back, "Calum Thomas Hood. Willl you marry me?"
"Yes, you idiot. Yes, I'll marry you," Calum laughed shakily and pulled Michael up into his arms.