Archive of Our Own ^beta

The only thing on Eddie’s mind was Christopher. He wasn’t thinking about getting Christopher home. He wasn’t thinking about what moving to Texas would do to his own life. He wasn’t thinking about what he wanted. All he was thinking about was Christopher.

Eddie was going to Christopher, and that was the end of the story. There was only one thing on his mind and that was his son. There was nothing else.

So when Buck flipped over the iPad, Eddie wasn’t sure why his first thought was no, please don’t do that . Eddie wasn’t sure why his instinct was to shield Buck’s eyes. He wasn’t sure why he wanted to protect Buck from something that was so good . Eddie was going to his son; how could that be anything but good? 

And Buck didn’t need to be protected. He put a smile on his face, and he helped Eddie find a house to move into. He was fine about it. He supported Eddie in this endeavor, which wasn’t surprising because he supported Eddie in everything, especially things having to do with Christopher.

So everything was okay. Eddie was going to Texas. No, he was going to his son. Christopher was the only thing on his mind. His son was the only thing on his mind.

That was what made it all the more confusing when Buck drove Eddie to the airport and when he hugged Eddie goodbye, standing outside the doors of terminal 4 at LAX, Eddie could not imagine why his first thought was please don’t say it .

Eddie wasn’t even entirely sure what he didn’t want Buck to say, but he knew, deep down to his core, that he did not want Buck to say it. There wasn’t something that Buck could say that would have Eddie falling to his knees outside of terminal 4, and Eddie really didn’t have time for that right now.

If Buck said it, whatever it was, it would break Eddie’s heart. It would tear Eddie’s world apart. Buck had the capability to kill Eddie in this moment with just a few words, and Eddie needed that to not happen. He needed Buck to not say it right now.

Because the only thing on Eddie’s mind was his son. That was it. The only thing on Eddie’s mind as he hugged Buck was Christopher. The only thing on Eddie’s mind when he turned on his heel and walked through the glass doors was Christopher. 

The only thing on Eddie’s mind as the tears fell when his plane took off a few hours later was Christopher. He was going to his son. That was why he was crying. Christopher was the only thing on his mind.

…

Buck was fifteen the first time he had sex, which some parents might think is young, but it wasn’t exactly like Buck’s parents were paying any attention to him. 

He did it because the girl (Jessica, he would learn after) smiled at him every day during class. She noticed him. She saw him without him needing to bleed or break. She saw him, and she smiled. And that was more than anyone had done for Buck since Maddie left. 

When he did it, had sex for the first time, he learned that there was a way to feel close to someone without having to hurt himself. There was a way to feel wanted without having to almost die. 

More than that, he was doing something that actually did some good. He was doing something that made someone else happy. He was good. He was helpful. He was enough. 

So, he did it a lot. He did it whenever he could, with anyone who would give him enough attention and maybe an ounce of affection.

He learned, after a while, that while he did not have to physically hurt himself to get this attention, he was still hurting himself.

It hurt to watch people put their clothes back on and leave him without another word. It hurt to know that he was only wanted for one thing, really. It hurt to know that nobody would ever want to get to know the real him. 

Truth be told, Buck was Buck 1.0 for a long time, much longer than he would like to admit. It wasn’t just when he started at the 118. No, Buck 1.0 came to be when Buck was a wounded teenager. It was just that he grew up when he met the 118. 

It took Buck a while, but eventually he learned that he was more than just an object. The 118, Abby, Taylor, Tommy even. They taught him that he was more than just a guy who was good at sex. 

But, people still had the tendency to leave, which left the same gaping hole that was there when Buck was fifteen all over again. 

The only way to fix that hole was to fill it with someone who would tell Buck he was good. He just needed someone to apprentice him, even if it was just for a few minutes. Even if he would never see them again.

Maybe that was easier anyway. Maybe being left doesn’t hurt as much when you don’t get to know the person.

So, as Buck got back into his car after dropping Eddie off at the airport, he downloaded a familiar app, one that he hadn’t used in years. But, then again, he hadn’t had to live a life without Eddie in years, so it wasn’t like he had any other coping mechanisms to use. 

Buck reminded himself that Eddie didn’t leave him. He didn’t desert Buck. But that didn’t mean that there wasn’t a hole that needed to be filled right now. 

He swiped right on the first person he saw and prayed that he would be able to outrun the pain that Eddie leaving would cause. He knew it was in vain, but he had to try anyway. 

…

When Eddie was five, he heard the word gay for the first time, and he had no idea what it meant.

When Eddie was five, he asked his mother what gay meant, and his mother told him he better not let his father hear him say that word. 

When Eddie was five, he learned that gay was a bad word.

When Eddie was six, he started kindergarten, and he met his best friend, Anthony. 

When Eddie was seven, he and Anthony had their first sleepover.

When Eddie was seven, he went to confession for the first time. Everyone else in his class left the confessional and said they felt a weight off their shoulders. They said that they felt like superheroes. Eddie felt like there was still something wrong inside of him, something confession–something God–couldn’t fix.

When Eddie was ten, his father told him that boys didn’t cry. 

When Eddie was ten, he fell when climbing a tree, and Anthony held him until he stopped crying. He wiped away Eddie’s tears and promised he would always be there. 

When Eddie was twelve, his friends all talked about their crushes on girls. Eddie never had a crush on a girl. It was okay because neither did Anthony.

When Eddie was thirteen, he held Anthony’s hand for the first time, and everything felt okay for the first time in his little life.

When Eddie was fourteen, the boys at school started to get meaner, but they could never be as mean as the words Eddie had already heard from his own parents when they whispered about him behind closed doors.

When Eddie was fifteen, he wanted to kiss Anthony. It wasn’t even an active thought. He was just with Anthony, and he knew that he wanted to kiss his best friend. He ran home without another thought.

When Eddie was fifteen, he went to confession. He cried and cried and told the priest that he didn’t want to feel the way he felt. He wanted to be fixed. He wanted to be saved.

When Eddie was fifteen, he knew none of that was true. He didn’t want to be saved. He wanted to kiss Anthony. His parents wanted him to be saved. 

When Eddie was sixteen, Anthony moved away with a tearful goodbye and a kiss on the cheek. Everything felt wrong. But the kiss felt right. 

When Eddie was sixteen, Anthony had said, “You know I’ve always wondered.”

What? Wondered what?

When Eddie was sixteen, he never got to hear what his best friend had to say because his mother got home from work and told the boy that it was time to go. 

When Eddie was eighteen, he met Shannon.

When Eddie was eighteen, his parents rejoiced when he brought Shannon home for the first time. They would grow to dislike her, but for right now, she was the shining hope that their son wasn’t like that . 

When Eddie was nineteen, Shannon got pregnant.

When Eddie was nineteen, he had to grow up, even though he was never really a child to begin with.

When Eddie was nineteen, he fled El Paso for the first time, and he learned that even a war zone was better than the home he grew up in.

When Eddie was twenty-six, he left for the second time, this time, hopefully more permanent. 

When Eddie was thirty-three, the same age that he had been taught and taught and taught that Jesus was when he died, he went back to El Paso.

Not home.

No. Home was back in Los Angeles. Home was back with Buck. But Eddie couldn’t think about that right now.

When Eddie was thirty-three, he had to go back to the place that broke him in order to fix the one thing that was too special to him to lose.

When Eddie was thirty-three, he stepped back into that town, and he remembered every single thing that he had tried to block out.

When Eddie was thirty-three, he remembered why he had to leave El Paso in the first place.

Eddie hated El Paso, but he would go there for Christopher.

Eddie hated to leave Buck, but he would do it for Christopher. 

When Eddie was thirty-three, he realized exactly what Buck was going to say to him before he left. It was the same thing Anthony was going to say to him before he moved away.

When Eddie was thirty-three, he realized that he wanted to say it back. And maybe that was why he thought he was broken. 

…

Buck was used to getting abandoned by the people he loved. It was nothing new. And honestly, he really didn’t have a problem with it. This was the role he was meant to play, and he was fine with it.

Buck loved hard. That was his thing. And part of loving hard is knowing that sometimes you love people more than they love you, which was mostly the case in Buck’s life. But for the most part, he really didn’t care. Part of loving someone is wanting the best for them. You can see where this is going.

Buck loves people so much that he’s okay with them leaving him because that’s what’s best for them. It was best for Abby to be on her own after her mother died. It was best for Maddie to go out on her own when Buck was a kid, and it was best for her to go to Boston to get help after Jee was born.

Now, what’s best for the two most important people in Buck’s life is for Eddie to go to Texas. Eddie wasn’t leaving Buck. Eddie was going to be with Christopher, his son, half of Buck’s heart. And that was okay because that was what was best for the people Buck loved.

Buck was fine with the role he had to play of the loveable best friend who is there when you need him, but, when the time comes, it’s okay to say goodbye. Buck was fine with that because at least he got to live in Eddie’s world for a little bit. Maybe now just orbiting in the background of Eddie’s history would be enough for him.

Buck was fine, really he was. Honestly, Eddie moving to Texas was the best thing that could have happened to him. I mean, it helped him get over his break up with Tommy? Wasn’t that something?

Yes, Buck’s best friend moving a few states away, for what could only be considered a temporary period of time to anyone with eyes, affected Buck more than his breakup with his first ever boyfriend. But, really, there was nothing to look at there.

All it meant was that Buck was focused on something that wasn’t his breakup with Tommy. And now that he was focusing on something else, something that tore his entire being in teeny, tiny pieces, baking wasn’t going to cut it anymore. So, Buck did the one tried and true method that always worked when he was in his prime abandonment issues phase.

Now, you couldn’t exactly call him Buck 1.0 because he really had changed. He was sleeping around like he did all those years ago, but things were different now. For starters, he wasn’t sleeping with just women.

Either way, there was no better term than to say that Buck was sleeping around. With anyone and everyone, any time he could. Any time he thought too hard, or even if he thought he was going to start thinking too hard. 

It was hard to keep track after a while. Chloe. Sam (both a Samantha and a Samuel). Sofia. Marcus. There were a lot of names, but as long as one name didn’t cross his mind, he was fine.

It did, cross his mind, that is, a lot. Almost all the time, in fact. He was almost always thinking about Eddie, and, look, he wasn’t stupid. He knew what it meant. He knew what it meant the second he sat down on Eddie’s couch, iPad in hand. He knew. 

But what good would that do? What good would saying that to Eddie do? What good would even saying it to himself do? He knew the truth, and that was that. Nobody else had to know. It wasn’t going to change anything.

So, Buck did what he could do to numb the pain. Turn the bright red pain that was coursing through his veins into something of a softer maroon. He did what he knew how to do. 

…

Things with Christopher were shockingly good. It’s a lot harder to run away from a conversation with your father when he’s standing in front of you, with all his firefighter strength and agility. Buck was right; Eddie was the fastest, after all. Christopher couldn’t exactly just run away from the guy.

So, things were good. Things were fine. Eddie lived in his little rental house, and Christopher warmed up to the fact that Eddie wasn’t going anywhere. Not now. Not ever. Eddie was in Christopher’s life to stay, whether that be at home in California or here in Texas for the time being.

Eddie would stay in Texas for as long as he needed to. He genuinely did not care. All he was thinking about was his son, like he had repeated in his head over and over and over again.

He really didn’t miss home. He really didn’t hate the firehouse that Bobby got him a temporary job at, simply based on the fact it wasn’t the 118. He didn’t hate the house Buck had so kindly helped him get. He didn’t miss Buck. Every second. Of every minute. Of every fucking day that he had been in Texas so far. 

And it was really, really hard to ignore that when things were going so well with Christopher. It was hard to ignore all the other things on his mind when Christopher was right in front of him. He didn’t have to fight to get back to his son anymore, and now all this free energy was available. He had all this headspace that could be used now, and all of it was being taken up by Evan Buckley.

And it really, really wasn’t great to be thinking all these thoughts he really didn’t have time for in the place where he first learned to push these thoughts down. It wasn’t great to be thinking about any of this when he passed the church where he cried during his first confession because no amount of prayers could fix what was broken inside of him.

Because he was broken. Because there was something wrong with him, and it all started right here. And he didn’t deserve to be fixed. He didn’t deserve joy, no matter how many priests told him that he did back in sunny California.

Eddie barely deserved to call himself the father of the most amazing kid in the world, but right now, he was getting the chance to be, and that was what he had to focus on. Nothing else. Nobody else. Only Christopher.

Not himself. Not Buck. Not the hot priest or the one who gave a sermon that changed the course of Eddie’s life all those years ago. Not his parents. Not his childhood best friend. Nobody else.

Only Christopher. 

All of Eddie’s time spent not thinking about Buck manifested, finally, in an incredibly intense dream one night. 

Eddie was in his bed when he heard something in the living room. He quietly walked into the living room to see if he could find the intruder. Because it had to be an intruder. There was nobody else.

But what he saw was so much worse than any intruder. What he was was Buck’s smiling face walking through the door. Before Eddie could smile back, he found what Buck had been smiling at.

Or really, who Buck was smiling at. 

He couldn’t make out who the person was. It was too dark and he was too tired. He peered through the darkness just in time to see Buck surge forward, threading his fingers through the person’s hair, and bringing their lips together.

Eddie gasped, before putting his hands over his mouth to ensure Buck did not hear him. He took a step back into his bedroom and then another and then another before he fell backwards onto the floor.

He woke with a start in his bed, chest heaving as he gasped for air. He took a moment to collect himself, reminding himself that he was just a dream, reminding himself that he was supposed to be not thinking about Buck right now. 

Eddie wasn’t allowed to think about what Buck was doing after Eddie left. He was allowed to text Buck and ask how his day was going. He was allowed to talk to Buck about work and Maddie and the 118.

But Eddie was on a strict do not think about Buck’s romantic endeavors right now regime, and he needed to stick to it. He wasn’t allowed to think about Buck hooking up with anyone because what right did he have?

His brain made it pretty clear to him that he did not want Buck making any sort of confessions to him at the airport. So why should he get an opinion on what Buck does with his romantic life?

Eddie was the one who let this happen. He was the one who willed Buck not to say words that his brain outlawed but his heart so desperately wanted to hear.

The best thing about being in Texas now was that Eddie didn’t have to watch as Buck broke his heart. No, Eddie got to do that all on his own from several states away. 

“I miss you,” Buck told him one day on the phone. Eddie was grateful they were on a call and not a FaceTime so Buck didn’t see the heartbreak in his eyes.

“I miss you too,” Eddie replied sincerely. A younger Eddie might not have been as sincere. He might have made a joke. He might have added a scoff to his reply. But, no. Eddie missed Buck, and he wasn’t going to hide that. He was hiding so much already.

“I know that you needed to leave but–”

“But it still sucks,” Eddie finished for him. “I needed to leave, Buck, but I need you too. It’s hard without you.”

Buck was quiet for a moment. “I know. But you need Chris more.”

And that was the whole thing, wasn’t it? Eddie needed Buck, but he needed Christopher more. That was the whole thing. 

“Look, Eddie I…” Buck began, and Eddie could tell that he ran his fingers through his hair. He smiled fondly. “I just…I’ve always…”

I’ve always loved you.

I’ve always wondered.

I’ve always thought, maybe…

Eddie’s heart clenched in his chest.

You need Chris more. You need Chris more.

Whatever Buck was going to say, Eddie could not hear it. He would not hear it. 

“Uh, Buck, Chris is calling. I’ve gotta go,” he lied into the phone.

“Oh, okay,” Buck replied, deflated. “Tell him I say hi.”

Eddie nodded. “Will do. Bye, Buck.”

Eddie hung up the phone and threw it onto the bed. Eddie would continue to break his own heart, and probably Buck’s, for forever if it meant staying in Christopher’s life. He couldn’t hear whatever Buck had to say right now because it wouldn’t do anyone any good.

Eddie was in El Paso with his son, and hearing what Buck had to say would just make things harder. Although, not hearing it was proving to be pretty hard too. 

…

Eddie didn’t desert Buck, and Buck knew that. Really, genuinely, he did. This was not about Buck. Eddie leaving was not about Buck. But everything that Buck felt was still real.

And what Buck felt, it wasn’t about Eddie leaving. Buck wanted Eddie to leave in the grand scheme of things, if you really think about it. Buck wanted nothing more than for Christopher and Eddie to be together, even if that meant that Buck didn’t get to be with either of them.

So, again, any feelings Buck had about this weren’t about Eddie leaving.

These feelings were about how Buck felt about Eddie , not how he felt about Eddie leaving. 

And nothing was going to change how Buck felt about Eddie. No Chloes or Sams or Sofias or Marcuses. None of them were going to erase Eddie.

Eddie moving to Texas wasn’t going to change how Buck felt, either. Clearly. Distance wasn’t going to change anything. Not seeing Eddie everyday wasn’t going to change anything. Not being with Eddie wasn’t going to change anything. All it did was break Buck’s heart, but he figured that would also happen if he told Eddie anyway. 

Because in the same way Eddie moving wasn’t going to change anything, Buck telling Eddie wasn’t going to change anything either. Eddie wasn’t interested. Eddie didn’t feel the same way.

Saying out loud would only hurt both of them.

So Buck wouldn’t say it. 

He would find another warm body to distract himself from the cold, cold cavern that used to hold the heart Eddie took with him to El Paso. 

“This isn’t healthy, Buck,” Maddie would say to him when Buck’s Grindr notifications would sound during their hangouts. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Hen would ask quietly when Buck would finish telling the 118 about his most recent date.

“I know I said I missed Buck 1.0, but I really didn’t. Not like this,” Chimney said one day as Buck showed off his hickey-clad chest in the locker room. “I don’t like seeing you like this, man.”

Buck couldn’t just outright say that this was the only thing getting him through the day, now could he? He couldn’t tell his family that the only way to get rid of all the pain he was feeling was to find someone to hold it for just one night.

He couldn’t admit outloud, to himself or to anyone else, that he needed these hookups to fill the void that his best friend left because that wasn’t a normal thing to say about your best friend. So then what would he have to say to defend that.

“I’m just having fun,” he would say.

“I’m just exploring my new dating pool,” he would say.

Buck would laugh and throw his dirty shirt at Chim. “Hey, man, at least I’m not baking anymore.”

…

All Eddie ever wanted for Christopher was for him to have a better childhood than he had. Not in the financial sense. Not in the physical sense. He had things growing up. He had a roof over his head. He had every toy he ever asked Santa for. He was a happy kid.

No, what he wanted to Christopher from was precisely what happened to the happy kid that Eddie once was.

All Eddie wanted for Christopher was for him to know that Eddie loved him no matter what. Eddie was a safe place for Christopher to land, always and forever, no exceptions, no take backs, ever. Eddie was going to be there for Christopher, no matter what happened.

Eddie didn’t have that as a kid. Eddie was a happy kid, and when the time came for him to turn into a happy teenager and, eventually, a happy adult, he didn’t have anyone to shepard him through life. He didn’t have the nurturing mom. He didn’t have the protective dad. 

No, he had a mom who was never happy with anything he did. He had a mom who told him to pray and everything would work out the way it was supposed to. He had a mom who he knew prayed every night to fix him. Even worse, she probably prayed that he would stop existing.

It wasn’t like Eddie didn’t pray for the same thing every night too.

And his dad.

Well, when his dad was around, he wasn’t exactly the dad that Eddie wanted. Eddie was supposed to be the man of the house, and when his dad was in the house, he was disappointed in the man that Eddie became. 

He was never going to be the man his father wanted him to be, and he was more than positive his father barely thought of him as a man. 

So, no, Eddie never had loving and caring parents. His parents kept a roof over his head, but they never once cared for his feelings. They never nurtured him, not really.

They never hugged him when he cried himself to sleep at night. They never told him that everything was going to be okay. They never told him that they loved him just the way he was. Never.

So Eddie said it to Christopher whenever he had the chance. Because he did. He did love Christopher exactly the way he was, since the day he was born.

Eddie couldn’t go back to his youth and make his parents tell him that they loved him. He couldn’t go back to his youth and fix everything his parents broke. He couldn’t even go back and tell himself that everything was going to be okay. He couldn’t even go back to his youth and tell himself that he loved him just the way he was because he wasn’t sure that he even did.

He wasn’t sure that he even did now.

But that wasn’t something to worry about right now.

Eddie couldn’t fix what his parents ruined, but he could be a better parent than either of them ever were.

Nobody could go back in time and tell young Eddie that they loved him, but by God, there would never be a day that Christopher didn’t hear those words. Not if Eddie had anything to do with it. 

“I love you, Chris,” Eddie said the first night Christopher decided to sleep at Eddie’s instead of his grandparents. “I love you the way that you are. Nothing will ever change that.”

Christopher rolled his eyes but hugged his father the same. “I love you too, dad.”

Nothing would ever fix the way that Eddie’s parents broke him but being a parent might come close. 

…

Before Buck met Abby, he didn’t exactly know what he wanted out of life. He didn’t know what he was searching for, but he knew he was searching for something.

Whatever it was, it was the same thing Buck had been searching for when promised Maddie that he was going to be something .

Buck always knew he was going to be something . He was going to be someone . He was searching for something . 

He didn’t know what that something was until he met Abby. Or, maybe, he didn’t know what it was until he realized Abby was never coming back. It wasn’t until then that Buck realized how deeply he longed to love and be loved.

However, it wasn’t until the years after that that Buck realized that more than love, he truly craved a family. He had made one in the 118, and he was incredibly grateful for them. He loved his family. He loved his sister and his brother-in-law and his niece. He loved Hen and Karen and their children. He loved Bobby and Athena.

And Buck loved Eddie and Christopher. He loved being a part of the 118’s family, but really, Buck loved being a part of the Diaz family.

Yes, Buck wanted to be loved. That was the something that he was craving. That was the something that he wanted to be. Abby and his family helped him realize that.

But it was Eddie who helped Buck realize what he really wanted to be. It was Eddie who gave Buck exactly what he wanted. It was Eddie who made Buck Christopher’s legal guardian if anything ever happened to him.

It was Eddie who made Buck a parent. 

That was what Buck had longed to be. Forever. From the time he was a kid with horrible parents to when he saved the baby in the pipe to when he watched Christopher walk out the door. All Buck wanted to be was a parent. 

Buck wanted to be a parent. Buck wanted to be someone’s dad.

He didn’t want to just hook up with people. He wanted a partner. He wanted a partner to share a family with. 

He didn’t want to hook up with random people. He wanted one person.

Yes, Buck wanted to be a parent, but he also thought that there was only one person in the world that he would want to raise a child with.

Buck could have whoever he wanted, and that was something that was made abundantly clear to him in the past few weeks. He could have any internet starlet, but he didn’t want them. He didn’t want them as a partner. He didn’t want to raise a child with them. 

Buck didn’t want just anyone. He wanted one person.

And that was the problem, wasn’t it?

Buck loved Jee-Yun. Of course, he did. He loved being her uncle. He loved spending time with her. He knew that Maddie was trying to help him when she brought Jee-Yun over, but it wasn’t helping. Not now. 

And when Maddie picked her up and said, “Were you a good girl for Uncle Buck?” it was supposed to be a nice thing, but he really didn’t need to be reminded that he was just an uncle and not a father right now. Maddie could see it in his face the second she said it.

“Hey, baby, why don’t you go clean up your toys while I talk to Uncle Buck?” Maddie suggested, pointing Jee-Yun to the living room while she stayed in the kitchen with Buck. “What’s happening to your face right now?”

“I…” Buck began, rubbing the back of his neck. Saying it out loud isn’t going to help. It’s not going to bring him back. “It’s nothing.”

Maddie fixed him with a look. “It’s not nothing. You have to talk about it.”

“Why?” he asked seriously, growing angry. “Why do I have to talk about it? It’s not going to change anything.”

“It doesn’t matter if it changes anything. You can’t hold it in. You can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“It’s not about me!” Buck blurted, almost immediately regretting it. He looked to make sure that Jee-Yun was still occupied in the living room.

“But you’re upset,” Maddie reminded him. 

Buck shook his head. “That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter how I feel, okay? How I feel wasn’t going to make him stay, and it’s not going to bring him back now. This has nothing to do with me. It’s about him and Chris. That’s it.”

Maddie looked at him sadly. He didn’t want her to feel bad for him. He didn’t want anyone to feel bad for him. This wasn’t about him.

“He didn’t leave me,” Buck said, admitting it out loud. He knew it was true, of course he did, but the words were still foreign on his tongue. “He didn’t leave me. It had nothing to do with me.”

“That doesn’t make it any easier.”

Buck almost laughed at that. 

No, it didn’t. Of course, it didn’t.

“Everyone I love leaves me. I’m easy to leave,” Buck told her, shrugging his shoulders. “But that’s not what this is. Eddie didn’t leave me because we don’t love each other. That’s not what this is.”

That was not what Maddie was expecting to hear and Buck knew it. It was because it wasn’t the truth. Not at all.

Eddie didn’t leave Buck. He went to Christopher. Eddie didn’t love Buck, so he wasn’t deserting Buck or anything.

But that didn’t make it any easier.

Because Buck loved Eddie.

Everyone Buck loved left him, even if they didn’t love him back to begin with. 

“You’re not easy to leave, Evan.”

Because, Evan.

Because, Evan.

Because, Evan.

You act like you’re expendable, but you’re wrong.

Buck looked at her, tears in his eyes. “Then why is he not here? Why am I not with him in El Paso? He told me–”

Buck shook his head. 

Maddie reached out to hold his hand. “What did he tell you?”

“It’s nothing,” Buck said, swatting away the tears on his face. “It’s nothing.”

“Evan–”

“I just thought that it was us, you know?” Buck let out a sad laugh. “I know he didn’t leave me. He went to get Christopher. I just thought that I was a part of that too. I thought I was a part of their family. But it’s not…it’s how I thought it was. I’m just the fall guy.”

Maddie looked at him quizzically. “What does that mean?”

“I’m not Christopher’s dad, and I’m not Eddie’s anything. I’m just the guy on the paper. In case of emergency.”

It’s in my will that if anything ever happens to me Christopher will be taken care of…by you.

“I’m not anyone’s father.”

Or husband.

Or partner. Not anymore.

“I know that Eddie didn’t leave me,” Buck said, one final time for good measure. “I just wish I wasn’t so easy to leave anyway.”

…

Eddie knew that his parents were going to be a problem before he even got on the plane to El Paso. He wasn’t going to lie, he was incredibly mad at his parents. They knew exactly what they were doing when they showed up at Eddie’s house, and they knew exactly what they were implying when they took Christopher away. 

Eddie’s parents were never happy with him. He was broken. He was fucked up, since birth. He was a broken fuck-up, and his parents were never going to be proud to call him their son. He knew that. He knew that since he was twelve years old. 

His parents wanted a different son. Hell, his mom prayed for one. He knows she did. His parents wanted a different son. One that wasn’t broken. One that was right.

And they got that with Christopher. 

Because Christopher was perfect, and Eddie wasn’t just saying that because he was his father. Christopher was objectively perfect, and Eddie’s parents knew it too.

So it was a double-edged sword of course.

Eddie’s parents telling him that Christopher should stay with him before he moved to California was because Eddie was broken and Christopher was perfect. Eddie’s parents didn’t think Eddie was good enough to raise Christopher because they loved Christopher more than they loved Eddie. They were scared Eddie’s brokenness would break Christopher too.

And that fucking hurt on so many levels that Eddie acutally could not even verbalize it. So he didn’t. He didn’t say anything.

He dealt with it because it was really the least of his worries right now.

If Eddie was truly as broken as everyone thought he was, he wasn’t about to be fixed any time soon. So there was really nothing he could do to make his parents see him differently. So, really, why would he worry about trying to make them see that he was anything other than the pathetic excuse for a son he always had been?

But, Eddie was mad. He was furious.

His parents could think he was broken. Pathetic. Weak. Not good enough. Whatever

What his parents could not do is have that affect Christopher’s life.

Sure, Eddie made a mistake, and yes, he would make more mistakes, but that didn’t mean that Christopher should be anywhere other than with his father. His father who loved him more than he ever loved himself, more than he ever loved anyone. 

Eddie was pretty positive that he was broken too. He was far from thinking he was anything other than broken. But one thing he knew was that Christopher belonged with him. Not just because he was Christopher’s father but because there was nobody in the world who would love Christopher like Eddie did.

Well, besides Buck. Which Eddie had said before. Out loud. To Buck. 

If Christopher belonged anywhere, it was with Eddie. And if there was any world where Eddie could not be there for his son, then his son should be taken care of by Buck. There were no other options. That was it. 

Christopher was never supposed to be with his grandparents. That was never supposed to happen.

Eddie knew first hand how dangerous it was to be raised by them, and Eddie would sooner die than let his son be raised by the cold people who raised him.

Christopher was perfect in all the ways that Eddie was broken, but Eddie was pretty concerned that if he lived with Eddie’s parents any longer, they would break him too. 

So, yeah, Eddie knew that seeing his parents in El Paso was going to be a problem because he wasn’t sure how long he could keep all of that bottled up.

The answer was not very fucking long actually.

It all blew up on a Friday, which was ironic because that was normally Eddie’s favorite day of the week back home. 

Fridays could look like two things for Eddie. He could be working a twenty-four with the 118, which was obviously one of his favorite places to be. He loved his team, and he loved his job. He wouldn’t want to spend a twenty-four-hour shift with any other team in the world. 

If they did work on Friday, that meant that that night was Buckley-Diaz movie night. Buck would always want to do something fun on Friday, but he was often too tired after a shift. Hence, movie night was born.

Buck and Eddie would go back to Eddie’s house, where Christipher would be home from school, and they would get pizza and watch a movie. It was the beginning of the weekend, which they would have off, and it was the perfect family night. It always had been.

If they weren’t working, that meant that Buck and Eddie had the whole day off before movie night started. At first, they didn’t do movie night if they didn’t have a shift, but after they realized they were going through withdrawals, they decided to make it a weekly thing, even if there was no shift that day.

A Friday with no shift meant that Buck and Eddie had a whole day to themselves to just live their lives. Typically, they would use it to get things done. Laundry, grocery shopping, meal prepping. And they would do it together. Just one of those small comforts in an otherwise busy week.

And, if they got everything done before movie night, they would have a completely free Saturday to spend with Christopher. That’s when they would go to the zoo or the planetarium or the park or just stay home and play video games. They would have the whole day.

So, yeah, Eddie loved Fridays, and he would do anything to be back at home with Buck and Christopher right now.

But no, this Friday was different. This Friday was actually his worst nightmare. This Friday, Eddie was standing in his childhood living room feeling as small and weak and broken as he did when he was ten and his father said Eddie, boys don’t cry . 

“I know that you’re here because you want to spend more time for Christopher, but that’s all it can be,” his mother had said when they started whatever fucked up family meeting this was. 

When his parents invited him over while Christopher was at school, he knew it was going to be for something bad, but he really did not know what they were going to say. 

Now, here he was on a Friday morning, sinking into the same chair he had all those years ago when he had this same exact conversation with his parents for the first time. 

“You can’t move to El Paso, son. Christopher cannot live with you,” his father said sternly, like Eddie was still a child himself. Like Eddie’s father still got a say in the life he was never really even around to see. 

“What are you talking about?” Eddie asked, genuinely incredulous.

“You can’t parent Christopher. You never should have tried. You should have let us take him before you went to California,” his mother confessed. “We never should have let you take him.”

Eddie laughed. “Let me? He’s my son. Not yours. He is my son. Mine and Shannon’s.”

And Buck’s.

“Just because you have a son it does not make you a good father,” Ramon said, and something inside of Eddie’s chest snapped.

“Learn that from experience?”

Eddie regretted it the second he said it. Not because it wasn’t true. Not because he didn’t want to hurt his father.

No, he regretted it because he was showing the emotions that he knew his father hated. He regretted it because he didn’t want his parents to know that they really did break him. He didn’t need them to know that.

He sunk further and further into the chair. He felt himself getting smaller and smaller. In a few minutes, he would be that same kid who was told not to cry. He would be told to man up, whatever that meant. 

“I was a good father. It’s not my fault that you–”

Ramon shut his mouth before he could finish the rest of the sentence, but it was too late.

“That I what, dad? That I what?” Eddie pushed, begging to know the answer. “That I was too sensitive? That I was too weak? That I wasn’t the strong man you wanted me to be? That I was a fucking kid.”

“Eddie!” his mother interjected.

Eddie shook his head. “Maybe I wasn’t the man you wanted me to be because you weren’t around to set an example.”

“You were born that way,” Ramon stated, throwing his hands up. “Isn’t that what they say? I couldn’t do anything to fix you. You were that way.”

Eddie would have gasped if there was anything his parents could say that would surprise him at this point. But, it was really typical, actually.

Ramon had never gotten around to saying something like that to Eddie. There were implications, there were harsh whispers, there were even little jabs. But, for the past thirty-three years, Eddie’s father had never actually gone out of his way to say to his son that he believed he was queer.

Whether Ramon had impeccable gaydar or he was just going off of stereotypes, Eddie could not be sure. 

“I wasn’t born broken. You did this, and you’re going to do it to him too,” Eddie assured his parents, knowing it was true. “I might have been born gay, but I was not born broken. That all came from you.”

And that was really the first time Eddie had said those words out loud. 

It was always there, somewhere deep down. It was there when he heard the word gay for the first time. It was there every time Anthony made his stomach flip. It was there when he met Buck and everything clicked into place.

It was always there, but Eddie just didn’t know what it was.

Eddie had this thing inside of him, and from the very second he recognized that it was there, his parents told him that it was wrong. Gay was a bad word. There was something wrong with Eddie.

Eddie was broken . That was the feeling in his stomach when Anthony held his hand. That was why he never had crushes on girls. That was why he could never get a mother for Christopher.

Eddie’s parents told him time and time again that he was broken, and it didn’t take Eddie long to start believing them.

Eddie’s parents spent his whole life telling him that there was something wrong with him. The way he loved was wrong . The way he lived was wrong . Who was Eddie to not believe him?

He didn’t have a choice. He was taught that this thing inside of him was something that wasn’t supposed to be there. From the first thought he ever had about it, he was told to believe that it was something bad. 

Eddie wasn’t sure when he stopped believing that. Probably somewhere between you can have my back any day and you don’t feel worthy of joy . 

Eddie wasn’t broken. Having feelings for his best friend, both past and present, didn’t mean he was broken. Not loving women didn’t mean he was broken. 

Eddie wasn’t broken. He was gay, and wasn’t that something.

He wasn’t broken. He just had something in him that his parents thought was broken. Maybe they didn’t get it or maybe they were hateful or maybe they were just upset that their son was that way.

Being gay didn’t mean that Eddie was broken.m 

Being gay just meant that for some reason his parents hated him. And that he could live with. 

“I wasn’t broken before you told me I had a reason to feel like I was,” Eddie continued. “I wasn’t broken until you told me things that made me cry myself to sleep at night.”

Helena scoffed. “Do you think that we liked hearing you cry every night? Do you think we liked knowing there was something wrong with you? Do you think we enjoyed the fact that you were suffering because you were…”

She put her face in her hands before she finished the sentence, like the word would have hurt her if it left her tongue. 

Eddie’s heart dropped.

“You heard me?” he asked, voice small, eyes filling with tears. “You heard me, and you didn’t come check on me?”

That silenced both Helena and Ramon. How could you defend that anyway?

“How could you hear your child crying themselves to sleep and not check on them?” Eddie demanded. “And how could you think you’d be a better parent than anyone on this Earth?”

“We’re just better for him, Eddie. One day, you’ll understand,” Helena assured him.

Eddie shook his head. “Christopher is sensitive. He has nightmares. He throws tantrums when he shouldn’t. He flees the state when he’s mad at me. And I know that he cries. So, tell me, what is your plan when he cries himself to sleep one night? He might not be gay. If he is, that’s fine by me. But if he’s not, and he still cries, are you going to tell him he’s broken?”

“Well–”

“Because I will kill you if you ever do anything that makes him think that he is anything less than perfect,” Eddie promised. Hand to the bible he didn’t believe in, he promised. Hand on the St. Christopher medal that he surely believed in, he promised.

“We’ll do a better job with Christopher,” Ramon said easily. “We won’t make the same mistakes we made with you.”

Eddie laughed. “I thought I was born this way.”

“Well, we could’ve done a better job trying to fix you,” Ramon stated. “We thought we had a good thing going when you met Shannon, but then you left, went to California and you met that–”

“ Don’t you dare ,” Eddie warned before Ramon had the chance to say anything. 

“He’s the problem, isn’t he? He’s the reason why you suddenly think it’s okay to be what you are?”

Eddie must be going crazy. This was fucking insane. 

“You know, Buck is Christopher’s legal guardian if anything ever happens to me,” Eddie stated, knowing it would get a reaction. “Not either of you. Buck. How does that make you feel? To know that Christopher isn’t just raised by one queer but two ?”

“We’ll fight you on that, Eddie. You know we will,” Helena told him, almost like she was trying to soothe him. 

He has grandparents. Won’t they fight for him?

Probably. 

“Nobody will fight for my son harder than Buck,” Eddie responded. “So you can try, but you’re not going to get very far.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” Ramon questioned. “Did you fuck that one up too, son?”

Eddie’s blood ran cold.

“I didn’t fuck anything up. I’m not broken. There is nothing wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with Buck. I am a good father–”

“Are you telling me that or yourself?”

Eddie stood up from his chair. “Listen–”

“Dad?” a voice asked, breaking through the tension.

All three adults looked over to see Christopher standing in the doorway.

“Chris? What are you doing home from school?”

“We had a half-day. Abuelos knew. Justin’s mom brought me home,” Christopher explained, and Eddie’s attention went back to his parents.

“Is that why you invited me over now? Because you wanted Christopher to see me getting berated by you.”

Helena shook her head. “No, we just thought it would be a good time for you to say goodbye when he got home.”

Goodbye?

“It’s time for you to leave, Eddie.”

“I’m not going anywhere without Christopher,” Eddie said, putting his foot down. 

“That’s not up to you.”

“Yes, it is–”

“No, it’s not,” Christopher said, looking at his father. “It’s up to me.”

Eddie’s heart dropped.

This was it. Christopher was going to say that he hated Eddie. That Eddie was broken. That Eddie was a bad father. That he never wanted to live with Eddie again. 

And Eddie would have to say that that didn’t matter. Christopher was going to have to go home with Eddie anyway. Because Eddie would rather have a child who hates him live under his roof than allow any child to live under his parents’.

“It’s up to me, and I want to go home,” Christopher stated. “I want to go with dad.”

…

It blew up on a Friday. Literally. Blew up. Buck had never seen an explosion like it. 

He would say that it was ironic that it happened on a Friday, but he really wasn’t surprised. Friday hadn’t been his favorite day of the week in a long time.

No, in fact, he dreaded Fridays. Because every Friday that Eddie was in El Paso was one more week that Buck was left alone. Every Friday without Eddie and Christopher was another chance for Buck to remember that he was never really a part of their family.

Every Friday without a movie night, Buck’s heart broke a little bit more.

So, really, it was fitting that it happened on a Friday because that was the day of the week that seemed to hate Buck the most.

And Buck would love to say that it happened when he wasn’t paying attention. He would love to say that he was being rash or immature or irresponsible.

But he wasn’t.

He was on his best behavior. He was doing his best to get the job done.

He was distracted or self-destructive or anything. 

He was just doing his job.

He was doing his job and then the building exploded.

He was doing his job and then he was being thrown to the floor.

He was doing his job and then he looked down and saw something sticking out of his stomach.

He was doing his job and then he wasn’t anymore. 

…

“Christopher, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Helena told him softly. Always an air of arrogance when she talked to him. Like he didn’t understand. Like he was a baby. 

If he didn’t know any better, Eddie would be envious that Helena treated Christopher with more tenderness than she ever did Eddie. But he did know better.

He knew his kid. He knew exactly what he could and could not handle. He knew that Christopher was stronger than most of the people Eddie fought with in the army. He knew that Christopher didn’t need to be treated with kid gloves.

But there was still the tiny part of him that knew that his mother never treated him with kid gloves, even when he needed to be. 

“I know exactly what I’m talking about,” Christopher retorted, almost rolling his eyes, and Eddie was almost sad he didn’t. “I never actually wanted to live with you.”

“Christopher, don’t speak to your mother like that!” Ramon chastised. 

Eddie choked on air. Christopher fixed his jaw.

“My mother?” he asked, eyebrow raised. 

Ramon shook his head. “You know what I meant.”

“You’re not my parents,” Christopher reminded them, almost helpfully. “I have parents. I had a mom. I have a great dad, and I want to live with him. I don’t want to live with you. You’re not my parents.”

A great dad. Christopher didn’t actually mean that. He was only saying that to prove a point to his grandparents. But it was still nice to hear. 

“Christopher–”

The boy just shook his head. “No, abuela, I’m not staying with you. I’m going home.”

“This is home,” Helena tried, practically begging. 

“No, it’s not,” Christopher spat. “Home is in LA. With my dad. And with Buck.”

Ramon glared at Eddie like this was all his fault. It was too late. Eddie had already broken Christopher. Eddie had ruined him just like Eddie was ruined.

Eddie couldn’t help but feel warm inside that Christopher was choosing him and Buck. That this thing that Eddie thought was broken inside of him was something that Christopher was actively choosing. 

Christopher didn’t think Eddie was broken, and it was about time that Eddie stopped thinking that too.

“For the record,” Christopher said, getting his abuelo's attention again. “I don’t like the way you were talking about my dad. So, if you want a relationship with me, you’re never going to do that again.”

…

Buck isn’t sure how long he was there, mostly because he was going in and out of consciousness, which Buck knew wasn’t a good thing. He didn’t know much right now, but he knew that the situation he was in was not good .

So, no, Buck didn't know how long he was there before Chimney found him, and, of course , it was Chimney. Of course, it was his brother-in-law. 

Although, it wasn’t like anyone in the 118 wasn’t his family.

His family.

The 118.

His family.

Who would always save him.

“I don’t want to die, Chim,” were the first words out of Buck’s mouth when Chimney ran over to him. 

“Oh, Buck, you’re not going to die,” Chimney promised, but Buck knew that he had no right to say that. “I’ve got you. I’m here.”

“Chim,” Buck groaned, pain taking over his body. “Hurts.”

“I know, bud. It’s going to be alright.”

Tomorrow isn’t promised.

“I’m not letting you go that easy, Buck. Sorry,” he joked as he began to help Buck in all the ways he knew how.

“Me either,” another voice said, and Buck knew in that moment that it was Hen.

His family. 

“We’ve got you, Buck,” Hen promised.

His family .

Eddie.

Oh, God. 

Eddie wasn’t here.

Maybe that was a good thing. Eddie wouldn’t see him like this. That was good.

But that also meant that Buck was never going to see Eddie again.

“Eddie,” Buck whimpered, and if he was more with it, he would have seen the look that Chim and Hen gave each other. 

…

When you and your son blow up your relationship with your parents, you want to get away from them as soon as possible. So, Eddie helped Christopher pack and get them tickets on the next flight out. 

It wasn’t lost on Eddie that the quote goes “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start right now”, but, even though he was actively aware of his feelings for Buck right now, he was still trying not to think about it too much.

He really needed to focus on getting the fuck out of Dodge right now. 

“We don’t have to take everything now, Chris,” Eddie reminded his son as Christopher threw things in a pile for Eddie to pack. “They’re still your grandparents. They’ll send you your stuff.”

“I don’t really want to have to talk to them for a while,” Christopher muttered, and as happy as Eddie was to not talk to his parents, his goal wasn’t to completely ruin their relationship.

“I don’t want you to hate them,” Eddie said, giving his son a sad look.

The look Christopher gave him almost shattered Eddie’s heart. 

“I don’t like that they’re mean to you,” Christopher said, hanging their head. “And I knew that living with them would hurt you. That’s why I did it.”

Oh.  

“I’m sorry.”

Eddie put down the clothes he was packing to grab Christopher’s face in his hands, forcing his son to look at him. “I’m sorry that I did something that made you feel like you had to hurt me. This is on me, bud. It’s all me.”

Christopher shook his head. “I shouldn’t have left you. Not like that.”

Not like that?

“You were hurting, and you didn’t need me to hurt you more,” Christopher confessed. “I shouldn’t have done that to you when you were already sad.”

Eddie swallowed. “It’s not your job to take care of me. It’s my job to take care of you. And I messed that up.”

“But who takes care of you, dad?” Christopher asked.

Christopher shouldn’t worry about that. Eddie didn’t.

“Abeulos didn’t,” Christopher stated, and how on Earth did Christopher come to learn that? “I know that they weren’t good parents to you. They would…say things. Parents who love their children don’t say stuff like that.”

So his parents outed him to his son. That’s great.

“Chris, listen–”

“It makes sense, you know?” Christopher began, shrugging. “I came here to learn more about you. I wanted to know why you were so sad all the time, and now I know. It makes sense.”

Eddie almost laughed. It makes sense that he was gay? 

“I don’t want you to be sad anymore. Not because of this,” Christopher told him, and that might just be enough to stop all of Eddie’s sadness. If Chris didn’t want him to be upset, then Eddie wouldn’t be. He would do anything for his son. 

“And, I think if you’re not sad anymore, then you won’t do things to upset me,” Christopher mused. 

That meant that if Eddie wasn’t so focused on trying to be straight, he wouldn’t terrorize Christopher with his dating life.

“You’ve always been a good dad, but I think you’ll be even better if you’re happy. I want you to be happy.”

The air was punched right out of Eddie’s lungs. How did he get so lucky with his kid?

“I want to be happy too,” Eddie whispered. “I’m trying.”

I want to feel joy . 

“I don’t think you’re broken,” Christopher whispered back. “I love you the way you are.”

Eddie knew that he was crying in the moment, and he tried his best to wipe away his tears. Not that he didn’t want to cry in front of Christopher. 

He needed to be emotional in front of Christopher. He needed his son to know that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel things. It’s okay to be exactly who you are. 

“I love you so much, kid,” Eddie said, hugging his son to his chest. “Thank you for being mine.”

Thanks for coming back to me.

“Dad?” Christopher began, pulling back from the hug to look at Eddie. “Buck takes care of you. I think you should let him.”

Eddie let out a wet laugh. “Yeah, I think so too.”

“You’re not going to ruin that,” Christopher said like he had no doubt. “I know that you won’t.”

“You heard that too, huh?”

Christopher nodded. “Abeulo is wrong. You can’t mess that up. You and Buck love each other too much.”

He might have been onto something with that one.

“We love you too. You know that, right?”

Christopher rolled his eyes. “Yes, I know. Can we go home to him now, please?”

Absolutely. 

…

Buck blinked again, and he was in the back of the ambulance. Which was not good. He should not be losing this much.

Who knew how much he even had left?

“Eddie,” Buck slurred again, looking directly at Chim. He felt a hand squeeze his.

“We’ll call Eddie as soon as we get you to the hospital,” Bobby, the person squeezing his hand, promised. 

Buck shook his head. “No.”

Chimney and Hen exchanged a look. How did they end up in the back of the ambulance with the love of Eddie’s life again ?

“It might not hurt,” Chimney told Bobby.

Hen made a noise. “He means that it’ll give him a reason to stay awake.”

“Yeah, yeah, right,” Bobby said, pulling out his phone.

“Don’t call Eddie,” Buck groaned. 

Bobby raised his eyebrows. “I thought you wanted us to.”

Buck shook his head. “I don’t want him to worry. If he answers right now, he’ll worry. Just…just record it.”

“You want me to record a message for Eddie?” Bobby asked, wanting to get Buck’s wishes right.

“Yes,” Buck choked out. “Show it to him after .”

Buck could see the tears in Bobby’s eyes. He was dying. Nothing he could do about that right now.

He needed to make sure that he said it at least once before he died.

He spent weeks not wanting to say it out loud. He thought it wouldn’t help. He thought it wouldn’t make a difference.

And it might not make a difference. But he wanted to say it out loud, even if it was just the once. And he wanted Eddie to hear it, even if it really didn't change anything. 

“I have to…to,” Buck stammered. He swallowed. Ouch.  “He has to know.”

Bobby pressed record on his phone.

“Is it recording?” Buck asked, looking at Bobby, voice shaky. Bobby nodded. “Okay. Okay. I can do this.”

“Buck, maybe you should save–”

“No, he needs to know,” Buck pleaded. “I need to tell him.

Buck took a breath and steadied himself. Well, as much as he could with a pole in his stomach.

“Hey, Eddie.”

…

It really was the next flight out. They barely made it to the gate in time, but they did. Nothing was going to stop them from getting back to LA as soon as possible.

They were there in the blink of an eye. 

They were home in the blink of an eye.

Now, it was just time to get to Buck.

“Let’s just go straight to the firehouse,” Christopher suggested when they got in the car. 

Eddie gave him a look. “And what if they’re out on a call?”

“We’ll wait,” Christopher retorted. 

“ We don’t do anything,” Eddie chastised. “I’ve involved you in my love life enough.”

“Come on, dad. Please,” Christopher practically begged. “No more secrets. We’re a family. The three of us.”

The three of us.

Who was Eddie to argue with that?

He drove them straight to the firehouse. As they pulled up, he saw that the engine and ambulance were both there, so they were not on a call. He felt his palms get sweaty on the steering wheel. Okay, so he was doing this.

As he parked his car next to Buck’s Jeep, he came to the startling realization that it was the only care he recognized in the parking lot. He wasn’t gone for that long. It wasn’t like everyone else on A-shift got new cars in the few weeks he was in El Paso.

Eddie’s heart began to pound in his chest. The engine was here. They weren’t on a call. But Buck’s car was here. Where was everyone else? Why wasn’t Buck with them?

Eddie fished his phone out of his pocket.  He looked down to see dozens of missed calls. From Bobby. From Hen. From Chim.

But none from Buck.

Eddie couldn’t breathe.

“Dad, what’s wrong?” Christopher asked, looking at Eddie. Looking at Eddie for an answer he did not have, an answer he did not want to give.

“I–I, uh, I don’t know,” Eddie mumbled. He looked at his son, trying not to worry him even though Eddie’s entire body was filled with worry right now. “I’m gonna…I’m gonna call Bobby.”

He pressed Bobby’s contact with a shaking hand. 

“Eddie,” Bobby answered immediately. “I–”

“What happened to him?” Eddie asked, breathless. “Where is he? Is he okay? Is he alive ?”

“He’s alive,” Bobby breathed. Eddie felt instant relief. “But I don’t–He’s in surgery. I don’t know if…it’s pretty bad, Eddie. You should…you should try to get here.”

It was so fucking ironic.

“I’m here. I just…we just…me and Christopher are here,” Eddie stuttered. Eddie closed his eyes as he felt Christopher looking at him. This could not be happening right now. 

“We’re back. We…I wanted to see Buck. I wanted to tell him–”

“Eddie, he’s a fighter. He’ll pull through.”

Spouse gloves.

“What hospital?”

“You shouldn’t drive like this.”

Eddie waited until Bobby got over that notion.

Bobby sighed. “Cedars-Sinai.”

“See you soon,” Eddie said before hanging up. 

“Dad?”

Eddie turned to Christopher with tears in his eyes. “I don’t know, bud. I don’t—Bobby doesn’t think it looks good. But–”

“But we have to see for ourselves,” Christopher finished for him. “We have to go be with him. We’re his family.”

The three of us.

God, there might not ever really be a three of them. Not really.

“Yeah,” Eddie swallowed. “Yeah, we are.”

“He’s gonna be okay, dad.”

Eddie wasn’t so sure anymore.

…

Eddie wasn’t entirely sure how he got them to the hospital in one piece, but he did. He didn’t remember parking the car and walking in, but he remembers coming to when a body slammed into him. 

“Thank God,” the person said into his neck. Eddie held them back without knowing who it was still. He wasn’t sure if he would recognize anyone right now. “He’s still in surgery. It might be a while.”

The person pulled away, and Eddie finally saw straight again. He felt the air leave his body.

“Hen, you need to…what happened? Were you able to help him? What happened ?”

Hen looked down at Christopher sympathetically as Eddie asked his questions. She looked up at Eddie with sad eyes.

“I want to know too, Hen,” Christopher assured her. “I need to know.”

“There was an explosion. He was impaled by debri–a pole I think. In the abdomen. It definitely nicked some serious stuff, but I don’t know how serious it is yet. We controlled the bleeding, but we had to leave it in until we got here,” she explained. “They said they would be out with updates, but they haven’t been out in a while. He’s been in there for about three hours.”

So right when they got on the plane. Right when they were headed to him.

If Eddie believed in the universe, he would be pretty convinced that it hated him.

Eddie was with Marisol. Buck was jealous, and he kissed someone else. Buck was with Tommy. Christopher left . Buck broke up with Tommy. Eddie left . Their family was falling apart. They were scattered in pieces across the country.

But, the second that Eddie put his life back together. Just when Buck was single and Christopher agreed to come home, and Eddie was ready to…

Right when Eddie was ready to hear Buck say the words. Right when Eddie was ready to say them back.

He wasted too much time. He wasted all of their time. They were never going to get time. They were never going to be a family.

He never should have gone to El Paso. He never should have hung out with Kim. He never should have been with Marisol. He should have told Buck that he was gay when Buck told him about Tommy.

Hell, Eddie should have told Buck he was gay the first day they worked together.

But he didn’t. 

Because he was fucking scared.

He was so fucking scared of losing Buck, and now here he was, losing Buck without ever telling him that he loved him. 

Did you fuck that one up too, son?

“Eddie, you need to breathe,” a voice said. A voice that wasn’t in his head. 

But Eddie still couldn’t breathe.

“I, um,” Eddie tried, swallowing his words and shaking his head.

I didn’t tell him. He’s dying and I didn’t tell him. I fucked up. I ruined everything. I ruin everything. 

“Eddie,” a strong voice said, trying to soothe him. A pair of hands landed on his shoulders. “We don’t know anything yet.”

Eddie’s eyes locked with Bobby’s, and he was brought right back to Bobby hugging him when Shannon died. God, how was this happening again ?

“We’re not going to go there until we have to, okay?” Bobby soothed. “We’re all going to wait, together, and everyone is going to breathe.”

Eddie wasn’t sure that he knew how to without Buck.

…

Eventually, Eddie was able to calm down enough to sit down and drink some water. He was in the waiting room, Bobby in a chair to his side, keeping a watchful eye on him. 

Christopher was on the other side of him, Eddie’s hand glued to his thigh. Eddie wasn’t exactly in the most thankful mood right now, but he was incredibly glad that Christopher was here with him for this. He didn’t know what he would do if his son was states away while the love of his life was dying.

God, did Eddie even get to call Buck the love of his life if they were never together? If he never said the words out loud? When Buck didn’t even know that Eddie loved him?

Chim and Maddie were sitting across from them. Maddie was crying silently, and Chim was holding her in his arms. If Eddie was stronger, he would comfort her too. It was her brother who was dying.

Nobody is dying , Eddie tried to remind himself, but it was to no avail.

“Family of Evan Buckley?” a voice called from down the hall.

Maddie and Eddie’s heads snapped up. They both stood to greet the person speaking. They looked down at their clipboard, and Eddie almost smiled thinking about Buck.

“Is one of you Eddie Diaz?” they asked, and Eddie almost didn’t register his own name.

“He is,” Maddie said, pushing Eddie forward.

“Yeah, yeah. I am. Is Buck–Evan. Is Evan okay?” Eddie asked, and the word didn’t sound foreign on his tongue. He just hated that he only got to say it in hospitals.

“He made it through surgery successfully. We were able to fix the damage that was caused,” the doctor began, and Eddie felt himself breathe again. “He lost a lot of blood, and the damage was pretty extensive. We’re moving him to the ICU now.”

There was probably more that the doctor had to say, but Eddie couldn’t hear them. He couldn’t hear anything. He couldn’t see anything.

The damage was extensive. Buck was going to the ICU. The ICU, where people were on ventilators. Eddie was pretty sure that if he listened to whatever else the doctor had to say, he would hear the word ventilator.

How the fuck was this happening again ?

Eddie didn’t want to see another person he loved on a ventilator. Eddie didn’t want to see Buck on a ventilator again . 

But, Eddie didn’t really get a choice in the matter, did he?

Not anymore. He chose to leave. He chose to keep his feelings inside. He chose to come back. He just chose to come back too late. 

And now Buck was on a ventilator again . 

Eddie wasn’t sure how he survived the last time, and if Buck didn’t wake up this time, Eddie was pretty sure that he would die alongside him. 

“But, he will wake up, right?” Maddie asked, shaking Eddie almost out of his thoughts, and the doctor looked at Eddie for permission to talk to her.

Eddie nodded. “That’s his sister. You can talk to either of us.”

“We’re hopeful that he will wake up. We just don’t know how long it will be.”

Eddie found himself asking for the millionth time how the fuck he could be here, in this exact sitution, again. 

“Can I,” Eddie began, shaking his head and finding his voice. “Can we see him?”

“Yes, I can take you to see him now. Just the two of you for now,” the doctor said, turning to lead them away, but Eddie didn’t follow.

“Um, no. Uh,” Eddie said, turning his head to find Bobby. “You go. Bobby, you go.”

Bobby stood up. “Eddie.”

“Go. I’ll go next. I just. I need a second,” Eddie said, pushing past Bobby and almost running outside. 

Eddie didn’t stop until he felt the air hit his face. He leaned over and heaved. He didn’t remember eating since before the flight, but there was clearly still something in his body to come up. 

Slowly, he stood up and wiped his mouth. He leaned against the building and tried to catch his breath. He heard the hospital doors open next to him, and he feared for a second that it was Christopher. He really didn’t need his son to see him like this. He needed to pull it together.

“I’m okay,” he said, still looking at the ground.

“You’re not,” Chimney said, leaning on the wall next to him. “We’ve got you, Eddie, but you’re not alright. Nobody is expecting you to be.”

Everyone leaves Buck. Eddie knew that. Buck trusted him with that. But Eddie still left him. Even if it was for a different reason. How could Eddie do that to him?

Eddie knew what it was like to be left. Christopher had just left him. And he fell apart because of it. How could he do the same thing to Buck?

He couldn’t even imagine the state Buck was in. He must’ve been so sad. He must’ve–

“Was he alone?” Eddie asked, carefully looking at Chim. “Was he alone when it happened?”

Chimney nodded. “But, not for long. We got to him.”

Eddie closed his eyes and hit his head softly against the wall. “But I wasn’t there. How could I not have been there? How could I have left him? If I was there–”

“You wouldn’t have been able to stop this from happening,” Chimney assured him, but Eddie was having a really hard time believing that. “You didn’t leave him. You just went to get your son. You did what you had to. He knew that.”

Eddie shook his head. “I never should have left him. I should have figured it out. I shouldn’t have let Christopher leave in the first place. How–”

“None of this is on you, Eddie. None of it,” Chimney stated easily. 

Eddie kept his eyes closed, hoping that when he opened them again this would all just be a shitty nightmare. He would be back in his bed, and everything, the last six months, would all be a horrible nightmare.

“You did what you had to do. Don’t tell me that you wouldn’t go and get Christopher again,” Chimney said, knowing the answer. “You would do anything for him. So would Buck. He wasn’t mad at you for leaving.”

“Did he say that?” Eddie asked, giving Chimney a look. He watched something shift in Chim’s face. “Did he?”

“It’s just…” Chimney said quietly.

“What?”

“There’s something you should hear,” Chimney told him, pulling a phone out of his pocket. Bobby’s phone. Why did Chimney have Bobby’s phone? “Buck wanted to say something before…well, before . To you.”

Eddie was probably going to throw up again.

“I don’t know if you want to hear it now, but I wanted to give you the option,” Chimney explained. “You once told me that tomorrow wasn’t promised. Well, nothing is promised right now. I don’t know what’s going to happen to Buck, but I think you should hear what he has to say now.”

While he’s still alive, even if there’s something breathing for him. While he’s still alive.

Eddie nodded, pulling away from the wall. “Yeah, okay. I’ll listen.”

Chimney handed him the unlocked phone. “Uh, do you want me to stay? I feel like I could provide some good moral support, but also, it’s a lot.”

The universe really had to stop putting Chimney in these situations with him. If Eddie believed in the universe, of course.

What he did believe in was the loyalty and compassion that Chim had always shown him. He was pretty sure he was gonna need some of that right now. 

“Stay,” Eddie said, practically begging as he grabbed Chimney’s arm. “Please.”

“Yeah, buddy. Whatever you need,” Chimney promised as Eddie pressed play.

“Hey, Eddie.”

The air was immediately punched out of Eddie’s lungs. He couldn’t breathe. But, he needed to listen. This might be…No, this was not the last time Eddie was going to hear Buck’s voice. It wasn’t.

“Um, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is happening. I’m sorry that this is how I have to do this. And, I’m really sorry if I’m already dead.”

Chimney put a steading hand on Eddie as he watched him tremble. 

“I know that you’re probably feeling really guilty right now, but I don’t want you to. Okay? I understand why you left. You went to get Christopher. To bring him home. So, please, don’t feel guilty. It’s exactly what you were supposed to be doing. Please, don’t punish yourself for this.”

Eddie nodded. Fine. Whatever you say, Buck.

“I wasn’t being immature or reckless or anything. I promise, Eds. I–I–I wouldn’t do that. Not to you and Chris. I wouldn’t…do that. I promise. It was just an accident. Just an accident.”

Eddie believed him. Of course he did. Buck hadn’t done anything reckless since he found out about the will. He wouldn’t. Eddie knew that. 

“I’m sorry that I’m telling you like this, but I have to. You have to know. You probably already do, but I just want to say it. At least once.”

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Not like this.

Please no. Not like this.

“I love you, Eddie. I love you so much. I probably always have. I mean, I’ve always wondered if that was how our story was going to play out. It would make so much sense. It would make sense if that was how our story was supposed to go. But–”

There it was. The words Eddie longed to hear. The words he was so scared to hear. There it was. Only when Buck was dying did Eddie get to hear them. And it was all his fault.

“Stop. Stop,” Eddie begged, pushing the phone away from him. “Stop.”

“I stopped it. It’s okay,” Chimney tried to placate. He would’ve reached out to touch Eddie, but Eddie was hyperventilating and shaking and– “Are you going to throw up again?”

“Probably,” Eddie said, but nothing came up. He had nothing left to give. Instead, he just sobbed some more. A different Eddie, a younger Eddie, might have punched the wall, but it wasn’t like he had Buck to clean up his cuts right now.

“Eddie–”

“No, there’s nothing that you can say to me right now,” Eddie assured him, shaking his tear-soaked head. “ Nothing is going to fix this.”

Chimney nodded. “I know.”

“I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready for him to love me yet,” Eddie sobbed. He scrunched his face up to try to stop it, but it was no use. “I was…I was fucked up from my childhood and my fucking parents, and I wasn’t ready.”

God, if only Eddie had a time machine. 

“I wasn’t ready, but, of course, I loved him. Of course, I did. I–I–I–”

“I know.”

Eddie threw his arms in the air. “But he didn’t. He didn’t know! He’s gonna die thinking I didn’t love him. How could–how could–”

“We didn’t finish the recording,” Chimney stated.

“I can’t. I can’t listen to anymore,” Eddie pleaded, like Chimney was attempting to torture him.

“I think that you should hear the rest of it. You can take your time, but I think you should hear him out,” Chimney told him, and really, who was Eddie to argue with that?

This was the last thing Buck was worried about before he closed his eyes. This was literally his dying wish. How could Eddie not allow him to have that? 

“Okay,” Eddie whispered, preparing himself for what was to come.

Chimney gave him a thoughtful glance before pressing play.

“I know how much you love me, Eds. I know. I know, alright? Just because I don’t know if you were in love with me, just–just because we never got a…a chance…None of that matters, okay? I know that you loved me.”

“The past eight years, the family we made…it’s the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I don’t regret any of it. I’m sorry I didn’t get to tell you before, but I don’t regret any of it. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I don’t want you to regret any of it either. ”

“I love you, Eddie. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love–”

The recording cut out, and Eddie couldn’t be sure if it was because they got to the hospital or because Buck needed to stop talking or because he stopped talking . It sure as fuck sounded like he was hearing Buck’s dying words though. Maybe he did get to be there for Buck’s final moments after all.

Why was this supposed to help again?

So, now Eddie knew that Buck loved him, but what the hell did that help now?

“He loved me,” Eddie whispered, not looking at Chim. “He loved me, and it’s too late. He’s–”

“He’s not ,” Chimney stated, almost forcefully. “He’s not.”

But it sure felt like he was, didn’t it?

“Look, I know that this sucks, okay? I know that this is the worst possible scenario right now, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t cause this,” Chimney assured him. “And, yes, it would be a lot better if you and Buck got to live the life you wanted to, but, right now, you have his word that he does not regret the life you did have.”

Chimney pocketed his phone. “You also have a chance here. Nobody is counting him out yet. He’s in there, and he’s breathing. There’s still a chance.”

A chance. 

Eddie didn’t believe in the universe. He didn’t. Not even a little. He didn’t believe in God. He didn’t believe in the religion his parents put on him as a child. He didn’t believe in any of it.

But, if there was one thing that Eddie believed in, it was Evan Buckley. So, if anything was going to save him, if anything was going to bring Buck back to him, it was Buck himself.

“He loves you,” Chimney said, bringing Eddie to the present. “He loves you. He didn’t love you. He loves you. He loves you now. So maybe…”

Eddie almost rolled his eyes. “So maybe I should go back in there?”

“I won’t tell you what to do,” Chimney replied honestly. “But, I think you’ll regret it if you don’t go in there, and Buck doesn’t want you to have any regrets.”

Again, who was Eddie to argue with that?

…

When Buck was a kid, the only way he could get his parents attention was when he was hurt. They wouldn’t care when he did well on a test. They wouldn’t care when he scored a touchdown. No, the only time they would care was when he was bleeding or bruised or battered or broken. 

So, he would crash his bike. He would climb trees that were way too tall. He played the most dangerous sport imaginable. He hurt himself so they would see him.

It wasn’t until his adulthood that he found out why. He didn’t understand why he was invisible to them until he found out. He didn’t know why they only paid attention to him when he needed to go to the hospital until he found out why he was born.

He liked to think that none of this had anything to do with the career he chose. He chose to be a firefighter because it was the job he was meant to do. He remembered telling Maddie how he was going to be something someday, and the second he figured out that that something was a firefighter , he never turned back.

Yes, he walked into fires. Yes, he climbed tall buildings. Yes, he was often suspended in the air. Yes, he was in a tsunami. Yes, yes, yes. 

But none of that had to do with his parents. Really, it didn’t. He swore it didn’t.

And being a firefighter got him the family he was always supposed to have. The family who cared about him all the time, not just when he was hurt, not just when he was saving someone.

Yes, his parents had him so that he could save their son. Yes, his parents only cared about him when he was injured. 

But his family. His family didn’t care about any of that.

His family was there for him every day. His family cared for him when he was happy and sad and hurt and healthy and everything in between. 

Bobby cared about him when he was bleeding out in his backyard. Bobby cared about him when he was making his lasagna in the kitchen on a random Tuesday. 

Hen cared about him when he was covered in dirt and debris. Hen cared about him when he played video games with her.

Chimney cared about him when he was crushed under the ladder truck. Chimney cared about him when he became a legal part of Buck’s family. 

Maddie had always cared about Buck. When he was hurt, when he was crying, when she was running away from him, when they were kids, when they grew up. Every day. Maddie cared about him every minute of his life.

And Eddie.

Buck wasn’t sure that there was anyone who cared about Buck the way that Eddie did. Because Eddie loved him when was an asshole. Eddie loved him when they first met, even before Buck gave him the chance. Eddie loved him when Buck almost got his son killed. Eddie loved Buck at his worst, and he loved Buck at his best.

Eddie loved Buck so much that he made the decision to legally bind Buck to his family. Nobody had ever done that. Yes, the 118 chose to be Buck’s family, but nobody loved Buck the way that Eddie loved Buck.

Loved.

Not cared about.

Loved .

Buck wasn’t sure when he realized that he loved Eddie, but he remembered the day that he realized Eddie loved him.

Buck was sure that he fell in love with Eddie on a random day in between it all. Between the bomb squad and the ladder truck and the tsunami and the well and the shooting and the will. On a random day that Buck made Eddie and Christopher dinner, surely that was when Buck fell in love with Eddie.

It must have been something so simple, and that was why Buck didn’t realize it. That was why it took Tommy kissing him and Eddie leaving and turning back into Buck 1.0 for Buck to realize that he was in love with Eddie.

But, Buck knew the exact minute that he realized Eddie loved him, even if Eddie hadn’t realized it himself yet. 

It was a tiny moment. One that not a lot of people would have noticed. But Buck did. Because Buck knew Eddie. And because he had been here before, when the tiny moment didn’t happen.

Buck realized Eddie loved him when he dropped Eddie off at the airport. It wasn’t when they said goodbye or when Eddie promised to come back.

No, it was when, after Eddie walked away from him, that he turned around and offered Buck a smile just before he was out of eyesight. 

That wasn’t the kind of thing Eddie did. Eddie wasn’t the turn around for one last look in the airport kind of guy. It wasn’t who he was. Eddie didn’t do that.

But he did. For Buck. He turned around and he looked at Buck. And that… that was when Buck knew.

Buck knew . Eddie loved him. Eddie loved him.

So, yes, Eddie loved Buck, and Buck loved Eddie. They just didn’t say it out loud to each other. But it was true.

This was always how it was going to go. They were headed in the right direction. They were going to get there.

Eddie was going to come back. Christopher was going to come back. Eddie was going to realize what Buck already knew, and it was all going to work out.

They weren’t going to have to wonder any more.

That was always how things were going to end up.

But then Buck found himself bleeding out in the back of an ambulance. And then everything went dark. 

And it sucked because Eddie didn’t just care about Buck when he was hurt. Eddie wasn’t Buck’s parents. Eddie was Eddie. He didn’t just care about Buck when he was hurt. He cared about Buck all the time.

Eddie didn’t leave Buck, and Buck knew that. Because being left behind was something that happened to Buck, and Eddie wouldn’t do that to Buck.

Buck didn’t want Eddie to see him in the hospital, and he hoped that Eddie knew that. Because Eddie had to do this too many times. They were in this position too many times. Eddie was in this position too many times. 

Buck didn’t need to be hurt to get love from Eddie, and he knew that. 

Buck was pretty sure he knew a lot of things about him and Eddie.

BuckandEddie weren’t just an idea to Buck. Eddie wasn’t just an idea to Buck. Buck knew Eddie better than he knew anything else. Buck knew Eddie. 

Buck knew BuckandEddie.

But then he was in this hospital, and he was pretty sure he didn’t know anything anymore.

There wasn’t a dream this time, and maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it was easier for everything to just go dark this time. Because if Buck had to live in another world without Eddie and Christopher again…let’s just say that the all-consuming darkness would have been more appreciated.

So, no, there was no dream. There was confessing his love in the back of an ambulance, and then there was darkness.

There was darkness and nothing and then there was a pressure in his hand, soft, nothing too tight. But there was something in his hand, ground him, pulling him back into the light.

When Buck opened his eyes, he almost wanted to close them again. Because what Buck saw when he opened his eyes was exactly what he did not want to see. 

He did not want to see Eddie crying at his bedside. He did not want to see Eddie falling apart. He did not want to see this. He didn’t want to see Christopher crying because of him.

He wanted to close his eyes so it would all go away.

Wait…Christopher.

“Chris?” Buck asked, eyes still open, staring at the teenage boy who was asleep in the chair next to Eddie. The hand in Buck’s squeezed.

“Buck,” Eddie breathed, and Buck looked at him before turning back to Christopher.

He raised his eyebrows. “Chris?”

“We were on our way home,” Eddie said, tears trailing down his cheeks. “We were on our way back to you.”

“You’re here now,” Buck whispered, trying to swallow to ease his too-dry throat.

Eddie stood up and sprung into action, pouring Buck a glass of water. “Drink this. I’ll wake him.”

“No,” Buck muttered, drinking the whole glass of water. “Let him sleep. I wanted to say something.”

Did Eddie hear his recording? Did Eddie know? Did Eddie know like Buck knew?

“Don’t you think that you should get some more rest?” Eddie asked, sitting back down. “I should probably call a nurse.”

“I want to talk to you. I don’t want to wait anymore,” Buck whispered, aching for Eddie’s hand to be back in his. “I have to…”

“Baby, I need you to be okay. You were dead. You almost died, and I wasn’t here. I need you to be okay,” Eddie told him, more tears falling. “That’s what needs to happen right now, okay? You need to be okay. I need to make sure you’re okay, so I’m calling a nurse.”

“But, Eddie–”

Eddie shook his head. “I don’t want to wait any longer either. Trust me, I do not want to wait another minute, but we can’t have a future together if you’re not okay. So I need you to be okay first.”

A future.

“Future?” Buck asked, grinning. 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Yes, future.”

Buck pressed the call button. 

…

Eddie didn’t want to wait. Hell, he wanted to tell Buck while they were still in El Paso. But, that wasn’t the reality that he got to live in.

In this reality, the one where Buck was nearly dead for twelve hours, Eddie couldn’t move like the world was ending. He needed to act as if they had time because they did. They did have time. Buck was alive, and they had time . 

So, there was no rush. Buck could get checked out by his doctors. They could run all the tests they wanted. They could make sure that Buck had a future. That Buck had a future he could spend with Eddie and Christopher.

And Buck could see his other family members. He could hug Maddie as he cried. He could listen to Hen ramble off all the rules he had to follow. He could sit under Bobby’s watchful gaze and let him worry. He could do all those things.

Because they had time. 

Eddie was in no rush. He didn’t have to have a fast and dirty confession because he and Buck had all the time in the world. 

“We’re going home,” Eddie explained, putting the duffle bag on Buck’s bed. “I know you want to talk, but we’re doing it at home.”

“My home?”

Eddie shook his head. “No, mine. Ours. Whatever. You’re coming home with me.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Buck protested. “I can go to Maddie’s.”

“Don’t argue with me, Buck. We’re going home,” Eddie told him. 

Home. The place that Eddie left. The place that Eddie told Buck he was leaving. 

“Eddie–”

“I don’t want to have this conversation here, okay?” Eddie almost begged. “I want to go home with you. I want you to come home with me.”

“Okay,” Buck replied. “We can talk at home.”

So, Eddie got them in the car. He pushed Buck in the wheelchair all the way to the parking lot, even though Buck complained the whole time. He buckled Buck’s seatbelt despite Buck’s protests. He drove in spite of all of Buck’s jokes about Eddie being a passenger princess.

And Eddie got Buck into the house, setting him up in Eddie’s own bed before Buck finally let his protests be known.

“Eddie, you haven’t slept in this bed in weeks. I’m not taking it from you,” Buck told him, refusing to sit down.

“You were impaled, Buck. You’re not sleeping on the couch,” Eddie replied, lightly pushing Buck down to sit on the bed. “Plus, who said you were sleeping here alone?”

“Yeah?” Buck asked softly. 

“Me and Christopher had a plan, you know?” Eddie told him, sitting down on the bed next to Buck. “We had a plan. We did the whole thing in El Paso. I figured it all out. I had it out with my parents. Me and Christopher talked. We had it all worked out.”

He let out a shaky breath. “And then we got back here, and I was going to tell you. I was going to say it, and I was going to let you say it. I never let you say it. I always stopped you because I was scared–”

“It’s okay.”

“It’s not okay,” Eddie countered. “It’s not. It’s not because when I was ready to hear it, you were dead. You were dead, and all I had was a recording. So, no, it’s not okay because you died without ever getting to hear it.”

“I told you–”

Eddie nodded. “Yes, yes, I know that you said you knew. But that’s not the same. You didn’t get to hear me say it.”

“Okay,” Buck agreed. “So, say it, then.”

Eddie could have been scared. He could have been terrified. This was a big deal. This was the rest of his life. This could have been scary.

But, he’s dealt with scarier things than telling Buck he loved him. He dealt with much scarier things recently. 

This wasn’t scary. This was Buck. This was telling Buck something that Buck already knew. This was something that had always been true.

Eddie grinned.

He had never smiled when he thought about this before.

He cried when Anthony almost kissed him. He cried at church. He cried when he found out Shannon was pregnant. He cried when he got on the flight from LA to El Paso.

But right now he wasn’t crying.

He was smiling.

This was Buck. This was joy. 

“You say it first. I want to hear you say it. I’m ready this time,” Eddie stated, grinning. Buck smiled back.

“You’re ready?” Buck asked, making sure. “I can’t take it back once I say it.”

Eddie shot him a look. “You already technically said it.”

“I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting yourself into,” Buck said, putting his hands in the air. 

“Say it,” Eddie whispered seriously. “Please.”

Buck smiled softly. “I love you, Eddie. I love you.”

Eddie was positive he had never been this happy. Christopher was in his room playing video games. He was back under Eddie’s roof. And here was Buck, in Eddie’s bed, telling Buck that he loved him.

Eddie had never known joy like this. 

“I love you, Buck. I love you. I love you. God, I love you.”

But, when Eddie said God, it felt a lot more like he was saying Buck.

“This is really happening?” Buck whispered. “We finally get to have this.”

“Now and forever,” Eddie whispered back. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead against Buck’s. “That was cheesy and stupid.”

“I liked it.”

“I like you.”

Buck pushed against Eddie’s forehead. “Are you saying that wasn’t cheesy?”

“Shut up,” Eddie groaned.

“I can’t believe this is real. I can’t believe Christopher is back,” Buck said excitedly, pulling Eddie off the bed. “Come on, let’s go have dinner. The three of us.”

“Calm down, baby. Let’s not forget that you were just dead,” Eddie replied with a soft laugh.

“But I’m here now. And you have a son to feed,” Buck reminded him.

Yes, he did. Because Christopher was home. The three of them were home. The way it was supposed to be.

“ We have a son to feed,” Eddie corrected, squeezing Buck’s hand. “But, actually, I will be responsible for feeding him right now because, like I said, you were dead.”

Buck groaned. “You gotta get over that.”

Eddie glared at him.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean that,” Buck promised, kissing Eddie’s forehead. “I’m sorry.”

And suddenly, Eddie was crying again.

“Hey, Eds, really I’m sorry.”

Eddie shook his head. “No, it’s…I–”

“I’m right here,” Buck said, kissing Eddie’s tears away. “I’m right here.”

“I’m happy ,” Eddie whispered, breath hitting Buck’s lips. “I’m happy. I never thought I’d get to be this happy.”

“I’m happy too. So happy,” Buck whispered right back, dragging his lips down until they met Eddie’s. Finally. After all that time. After everything. Right when it was supposed to happen.