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Chapter Text

A grounded seeker was an useless seeker, Starscream had told himself any time he had come close to losing his wings, wherever it'd be in battle or due to Megatron.

Though with what the recent days had brought upon him.. Starscream had never considered the possibility of still having his wings, yet not being able to use them, not being able to fly. 

And the fact that now, that was reality.. it made Starscream's spark stir uncomfortably in his chassis. Having had no permanent place to say was already bad enough, but to lose his ability to fly.. that stung Starscream much further than he would ever admit to anyone.

Eventually, Starscream did find the old ruins of the Harbinger. He made it a place to call 'home', yet it certainly didn't fit the images of what his spark wanted a 'home' to be like. A place closer to 'home' was the sky.. oh, can't Primus just spawn him a new T-Cog?

Starscream wished things could just be that simple.

Not even the dark halls of the Harbinger could fill the hole in Starscream's spark. Especially when his recent failures kept building up on him. At this point, Starscream could swear his spark had actually weakened, like its strong beat he could feel whenever he'd feel for it in his chassis wasn't as strong, nor even as fast as he remembered it to be.

Starscream couldn't help but to think; was he truly losing himself in here? The answer was likely yes, and he knew it in his spark. Perhaps, he didn't even know who he was anymore. Or who he was supposed to be, anyway.

Would it even be possible for Starscream to yet again ascend from rock bottom, or would it finally be time Starscream just.. gave in? Starscream didn't want to think about the question again. Instead, he weakly carried himself into his berth and collapsed into it.

He entered another restless recharge cycle. How many more times will this cycle repeat?

Well, at least for as long as before Starscream finally decides to break it.

Chapter Text

Ah, morning. Starscream grumbled in his half-conscious state as the morning light pooling in from the window in the room began to wake him up.

He tossed and turned in his berth before his frame decided to wake up completely, and he slowly opened his optics, almost wishing he was anywhere else but in.. here. The walls of the Harbinger were getting quite dull to see almost every waking moment of his life.

Starscream did force himself out of his berth at some point, but not without contemplating just.. staying there for eternity, until his frame would shut down and eventually, his lifeless frame would be left for someone unfortunate to find. He had to begin a new 'cycle'. He wasn't a quitter, was he?

What did his usual 'cycle' consist of? Useless browsing of the Harbingers systems and scanners, downing a few cubes of high-grade he had found during his scavenging hunt of the entire shipwreck, and.. well, nothing much else, really.

Recently, Starscream had been really successful in fetching energon for himself. He finally had gotten to scavenge through a mine with no interruptions, not even with his paranoia creeping in. He had gotten himself enough energon to last.. depending on his usage, at least a couple of Earth weeks.

With that success, Starscream had chosen to take some 'free time' to himself, although he basically had all of the time in the world for just about anything. And that, had now lead to Starscream's problem with downing high-grade until he'd think the sand is blue and the sky is yellow.

It didn't bother Starscream, though. There was no one he was harming. Except for himself, maybe. But that wasn't an option Starscream wanted to consider.

Starscream sighed deeply as he walked through the damaged hallways of the Harbinger, to the command centre to once again see if the ships now damaged sensors could pick up anything interesting. Seriously, it was just his luck for the systems that had once worked almost like there hadn't been a crash at all to just.. suddenly show all of the symptoms of degrade and damage.

Starscream clicked the systems alive and he fiddled with them with a bored expression on his face. He had probably forgotten how to smile at this point. 

...

..?

Starscream saw something strange appear on the interface of the control panel. An energon signature? It definitely pigued Starscream's interest, and he immediately began to try to gain more information on the signature. Hm. He had thought the sensors had broken, with how he hadn't picked up anything interesting in days. Perhaps his luck wasn't as bad as he thought.

With further investigation, Starscream noticed the signature belonged to an Autobot. Or even perhaps, multiple Autobots were at the area, displayed a few hundred miles away. Hm.. Starscream glanced around the room, a sudden smirk on his face. Guess he still had his ability to smile. ..Where had he left his remote groundbridge controller? 

Chapter Text

After rummaging through a few rooms and storage spaces through the Harbinger, Starscream finally found his remote groundbridge controller.. from under his berth. Hmh.. he must've put it there during one of his many episodes of paranoia, its effects boosted by high-grade. Ah.. how lucky he was to have the device.

Though this time, instead of making his quests fetching for energon more safe, he was planning to do quite the opposite. Going to see whatever the signatures location was holding was a risk, perhaps even a huge one, but..

Who knows, maybe the Autobots will do something so stupid the image will be burnt into Starscream's mind for a couple days and will work as entertainment to him. 

Or then, he'll get himself killed. Or captured, or tortured. Whatever the outcome, Starscream was looking forward to it. He couldn't tell whether this was just pure suicidal ideation caused by just existing, or whether he was unconsciously seeking for.. what was that disgusting word? Help. 

Starscream didn't deny the thought. Perhaps he wanted it. He wanted a change from this life, a permanent change. Eh.. Starscream decided to let his processor and spark fight over each other as he fumbled with the controller. He set in the coordinates and quickly got himself outside of the Harbinger.

With a hesitant click of a button, the groundbridge appeared before him. Starscream felt his spark suddenly beginning to race in its chamber. Why was he nervous now? He shouldn't be getting nervous, of all things. He took in a steady inhale in an attempt to calm himself down, stuffing the tool into his subspace.

And then.. Starscream walked in, his steps precise and calculated. The trip through the bridge made him nauseous like most of the time, and he had to take another quick inhale of the fresh air to steady himself. Then, he focused on his new surroundings.

Hm. The area he had gotten himself into was a small, forested area with a couple trees nearby. In the distance, Starscream could see an open area, where, perhaps, he saw some moving silhouettes. Those are the Autobots, aren't they? He sighed. He didn't know which of his facades he wanted to put up for this show. To approach them casually and imposingly? Or to just.. wait until they'd see him?

No, I'm not a coward, Starscream quickly told himself, although obviously, he knew the opposite was very much the actual truth. He sneaked in closer, his wings pressing up closer together behind his back. There weren't any Decepticons around, and that was the hugest relief Starscream could get right now.

Starscream would've otherwise gotten himself into a panic attack, he guessed, if he would've appeared right into an active battlefield. He exhaled again and moved forwards. He could soon see the silhouettes gain more detail. There were three of them. The easiest of them to recognise was the Prime himself.

That didn't scare Starscream as much as he could've expected. He, of course, despised all of the Autobots, but.. Optimus was surprisingly gentle, even for his own good sometimes, and that was something even Starscream knew from what little interaction he has had with him. 

The two others seemed to be Bulkhead and Wheeljack. Hmh. Of course, those two wreckers were here. The green, fat, rude guy and his sidekick, boyfriend, whatever they were. Starscream almost threw up in his intake, before swiftly shaking his unnecessary thoughts away. What confused him is what they seemed to be doing.

Were they looking for something? It did look like so. Bulkhead was breaking rocks and stuff, Wheeljack seemed to be handing him explosives, and Optimus was mainly just looking around. Hmh, what efficiency. A seeker like Starscream could probably find whatever they tried to find in just a few minutes. That's how Starscream got his idea of approach as he began to sneak up on them.

"Anything?" Optimus asked his two teammates as he turned himself towards them. Wheeljack held a servo up as Bulkhead dug into the rock again. "Nothin," Wheeljack said afterwards. "There's just rock. Ya think we've been lead wrong?" Bulkhead shrugged before commenting, "Dunno. Can't give up now, though. I've been thirstin' to get somethin' do–"

They could barely process a missile flying right from by them. It zoomed right past, hitting a rock wall a short distance away afterwards. The explosion got all three of them to wince slightly. "The frag..?" Wheeljack mumbled out before they all simultaneously tried to look for the source of the explosion. Optimus transformed his servo into his blaster, him obviously being prepared for a possible fight.

"You might have to get your optics checked, Autobots," Starscream spoke menacingly as he walked towards them from the side. Even without his ability to fly, he was still quick and agile with his movements. "I'm almost surprised you didn't see me approach."

Bulkhead was the first one to raise his weapon at Starscream. Optimus held him back, though, holding an arm out to block him. "Starscream," Wheeljack then was the first one to address him. "I can't say I'm happy to see ya," he said, his tone surprisingly serious. 

Yes, Starscream immediately remembered how he had held Wheeljack hostage once. It then also began to make more sense how Bulkhead seemed to hate him so much. Starscream simply scoffed in response. "Oh? I already thought you'd be glad to see me," he replied, continuing to walk towards them. 

"Starscream, what are you doing here?" Optimus questioned next. Bulkhead kept himself silent, keeping his gaze steadily right at Starscream. "I just so happened to pass by, and I thought you could use my expertise in whatever you're doing," he gloated, proudly placing a servo on his chassis. 

"We don't want trouble here. Get out before I make ya get out," Wheeljack threatened with a glare. Starscream didn't seem phased at all. "That's just rude," he replied. "I'm not looking to harm you. Just to.." He suddenly paused, his words suddenly leaving his grasp. Euch. "..help?" he forced out.

"Uh-uh, Screamer," Bulkhead commented. He pointed his wrecking ball towards Starscream as he kept approaching. Optimus took a step closer. "I find it hard to believe you're here to.. 'help'," Optimus stated in his usual stern tone. Starscream scoffed. "How did ya find us?" Wheeljack asked next. 

"I have my ways," Starscream answered to Wheeljack, and then he turned to Optimus, who had taken steps enough to almost be right up to him. "And yes, I know I can't be trusted. But, hm, I don't have anything better to do," he replied to him. "How come? Don't ya have all of ya master plans ya need to.. plan?" Wheeljack questioned.

Wow. These Autobots had so many questions it was almost overwhelming to Starscream who hadn't talked to anyone real in a good while. Not that his social skills were good, anyways. What was even worse was that Starscream didn't really know what to respond to Wheeljack's question, so for a moment, he stood there frozen like a fool.

"...Um, I can do whatever I please," Starscream eventually managed to say. He glanced back up at Optimus, whose expression looked like he was looking straight into Starscream's spark, and it unsettled him enough for him to instinctively draw his EM-field back to himself. "And do relax your mind, Wheeljack. I'm not intending to hurt you or your little.. partner."

Wheeljack gave Starscream a sharp glare, and as Starscream looked at him again, he returned it with a glare of his own. "...You haven't been around much. I'm getting the feeling you have other plans here, Starscream," Optimus said sternly, the tone getting Starscream to shift his gaze to him once again. It seemed almost uncanny how Optimus could read others so well, read him so well.

"Yes, well, I've been busy attempting to keep myself alive and sane, thank you," Starscream retorted. Yes, he was aware of how.. pathetic those words sounded, even when he spoke them with his usual arrogance. "Other plans.." Starscream mumbled, mostly to himself. Hmh. Should he just be straightforward? Sure, it would come at a price of humiliation and embarrassment, but at a win at getting out of this situation faster. Hopefully.

The answer was, after a moment of hesitation, decided. "My other plans? Well, maybe, beg you guys to, errr– ah, to help me with my situation," Starscream forced out. He felt like throwing up as he spoke, and he froze despite himself after his words, after seeing Optimus' expression change. He hesitantly glanced over at Wheeljack and Bulkhead, carefully examining their expressions.

Their expressions were even more bewildered than Optimus' was. Starscream suddenly felt like it was hard to vent, and he already regretted his words. He fought hard to both keep his wings high up and steady while also trying to get his systems to stay cool. It lead him to soon letting out a harsh wheeze and him giving them an awkward smile. His wings lowered regardless of what he wanted them to do.

"...Say that again," Bulkhead commented at the words. "Didn't ya try this in the past, y'know, when–" "I do know, yes, I remember," Starscream forced out, cutting Bulkhead's sentence rudely off. "And that ended how?"

Frag. Starscream sighed and chose to ignore how pathetic and stupid he likely looked right now. "Yes, I fought with Arcee, ran off, went rogue," Starscream listed in an annoyed tone.

"Tell us what you want," Optimus urged from Starscream, the seriousness in his tone making Starscream's wings lift back up. Starscream tried to calculate his options. He couldn't back out anymore, could he? He knew this was a bad idea, now that he thought about it. The Autobots would likely discard of him when he isn't of any use to them anymore.

"I request for another chance," Starscream said as humbly as he could without it completely breaking his pride apart. "You know, of.. becoming one of you. This attempt won't end with me getting myself in pointless fights," he continued. "Why? What's so wrong with ya life ya come to us, again?" Wheeljack asked. "Yeah, did you get tired of hiding from–"

Starscream's vents hitched, his mind finishing Bulkhead's sentence before the green, fat guy himself could. "I'm not having it with you," Starscream retorted, pointing a sharp claw at Bulkhead, who didn't seem that threatened by the sight of it. "You, don't understand. And I will not try to explain. Thank you," Starscream finished and lowered his claw. Well, next step. This had worked well the last time.

Starscream briefly glared at the two other bots before looking at Optimus again. He made his expression look as pleading and pitiful as he could. As he did so, Starscream felt a strange sense of desperation bloom right in the depths of his spark. He stepped closer to the Prime, almost invading his personal space.

"Optimus, I'm asking for a lot, yes, but– ah, one chance. One. Just one," Starscream whispered to him almost desperately. His wings threatened to lower behind him but he tensed them up, making them press up closer behind his back again. A part of him almost wanted to bare his spark open for all three of them to see, but he held himself back. That kind of vulnerability, weakness, he didn't allow that coming from himself. 

Optimus kept staring right into Starscream's optics. Starscream forced himself to hold the contact, even though it was uncomfortable. "Why so suddenly-?" Optimus managed to ask. Starscream could sense Optimus was struggling on what to choose, and what to ask of him. It somehow made Starscream's desperation reveal itself further.

"Listen, just, frag. If I frag up once, even just once, you have full permission to do whatever to me. Kick me out, lock me in a cell, starve me. Give me this chance," Starscream pleaded. "My own thoughts are killing me,"  he almost wanted to add, an even darker part of him wanting to add a threat of suicide to really freak them out into accepting this pathetic plea of his. 

Luckily Starscream didn't have to resort to that, because Optimus' expression turned a little weirded out and more hesitant from his words already. Bulkhead and Wheeljack looked at each other, contemplating Starscream's words as well. "...If we were to let you in, we'd have to take the necessary–" "I have most of what can be disabled, disabled," Starscream stated before Optimus could even finish his sentence. 

Optimus silently noted that habit of Starscream's and stored it to the back of his mind. "And trust me, Prime, I wouldn't dream of contacting someone like Megatron with the location of your base. I'd be dead if I saw him again, regardless of what I'd do to plead for my life," Starscream continued, his voice taking in a more serious tone. "I'm serious about this. Or, let me in at least for a few days, just..."

...A brief moment of awkward silence passed by as the neither of them knew what to say. Wheeljack and Bulkhead didn't want to break the silence, either. "...I can see your.. want, to get another chance, but I will not grant it freely. I want to be able to trust you," Optimus stated. Starscream's spark nearly stopped as he processed the words. "I have to think about–"

Starscream's instincts of survival kicked in, and he fell to the ground to his knees, which was enough to interrupt Optimus' words once again. "I swear-! I'll be of use to you!" he almost shouted out as he clutched his fists towards his chassis. His wings dropped behind his back again, and he could feel everyone's gaze on him. This was so humiliating.

"I-I can, I can help you find energon, share you my intel of the Decepticons-!" the words Starscream spoke made himself realise his inner feelings. He truly was desperate for an escape. "I.. I swear! My intentions are pure!" 

...The silence that followed was probably the worst moment of silence Starscream has ever experienced. He could only hear his own, sharp and quick vents as he slowly brought himself out of his own spiral of emotions. Now, he wanted to just bury himself into the softest berth in the world, cover himself up with a weighted blanket.

Optimus broke the silence with a sigh, and he looked towards the other two bots. He walked up to them, and Starscream stared at the action. He collected himself together and stood up, his fists still protecting his chassis. Starscream couldn't bring himself to focus on their words, and he zoned off into his own imaginary worlds.

"...–come. We're leaving," Bulkhead's voice broke Starscream out of his thoughts. Who was leaving, where? Bulkhead turned around as he didn't get a response from Starscream. He looked at Starscream's expression of confusion and raised an optic ridge. "Are ya comin' or not?" Bulkhead said.

Wait. Was he?- Starscream didn't question anything further and instead just quickly catched up with the others, his gaze focusing on an opening groundbridge in the distance. "I zoned out," he chose to state. "And do forget about what you saw. That wasn't me, that was, um.." 

...Starscream chose to stop talking for once, and instead, tried to focus on not overwhelming himself further with everything that he was feeling and everything that was happening. He didn't feel like he had much control over what was happening and what was going to happen, and that almost managed to scare him.

Deep vents, Starscream, deep vents. Go in first to wherever the Autobots are taking you, figure out the rest later. "Everything step by step," as Knock Out had once told him.

Inhale. Exhale. Step in. Get dizzy, do not throw up on the floor.

Open your optics, and see what seemed to be the Autobot base in front of your gaze. 

He was here, he did it! Perhaps by embarrassing himself first, yes, but he did it! What was next..-!

"Gah–!" Starscream jumped as he felt his arms suddenly being grabbed. Was he being cuffed? No, not again-! ...Yes, he was being cuffed. Again. Since when had the Prime gotten this cautious? Perhaps he had been wrong with his foolish expectations. Stupid, stupid spark.

"Ya are not doin' anythin' unless we're completely sure ya mean everythin' ya say," Wheeljack said to Starscream as he let go of his arms. Starscream immediately spun around to face him. "Don't worry, Wheeljack. I will plan the rest from here shortly," Optimus spoke, his presence already a bit further away. Where was he going? Starscream had no clue.

Starscream knew that he would have to have a good moment closed off in a dark room after this. And perhaps, he should punch every single Autobot he can get his servos on after he gets rid of these scrapped cuffs. Okay, everything's okay, Starscream tried to convince himself. You'll be fine. 

He was going to regain control soon. Inhale, exhale. But yet, Starscream couldn't help the sense of doom growing in his spark. He knew he likely wouldn't he harmed, likely, but still, he found himself to be afraid. Inhale... exhale. Awkwardly cough. Avert gaze to the floor.

I'll be okay, Starscream repeated to himself in his mind. This is a new beginning, right? Maybe. Hopefully. Oh, Primus, spare me just this once.

Chapter Text

Starscream groaned in frustration as he had just been half-forced to explain his lame reasoning for defecting he had made up to yet another one of the Autobots whose designation Starscream's tired and overwhelmed mind couldn't remember right now.

Telling everything and trying to make Optimus convinced enough of that he was being genuine of his willing to join the Autobots (for real this time) had already been overwhelming enough. Even Knock Out had never asked as many questions during Starscream's many medical examinations as Optimus had finished asking him just.. what, 10 minutes ago?

Intentions this and that.. Starscream was already feeling a sharp helmache beginning to form. He was certainly going to need a moment or two brooding in a dark corner in solitude when he can get free of this storm of questions and an almost overwhelming amount of social interaction being forced on him.

He had came here to just live, not to have to tell a convincing enough sob story to everyone, it being true enough to be believable yet be consistent enough of deceit for Starscream to keep his ego still somewhat intact.

"I came here to get a roof over my helm, one that won't be as likely to collapse right on me like everything else in my life has. I've found that perhaps, I can not do everything on my own and that the weaknesses that come from being a living being are catching up to me."

Starscream cringed visibly as he recalled the words he had spoken as he walked through the hallways of the Autobot base, being lead by the Prime to.. somewhere, he didn't pay enough attention to his words to remember where. As long as these cuffs are taken off of his wrists, he'll be content with being thrown into a cell, even.

"I may not be at my full capability, but I swear, in exchange for your suffering that I may or may not cause you hospitality, I will do my best to recall any past intel I have about the Decepticons, etcetera.. and potentially help you out on missions. Depending on my personal capabilities and energy. Is that too much to ask for? Yes. That's why I won't say it."

Starscream had chosen to let go of most of the self-deprecating talk he had yet so much wanted to stuff in. But he didn't want pity. Or did he? He didn't know. Stupid emotions, why can't they just be turned off? Oh, wait, they can. Temporarily. With liquids Starscream can't yet get his servos on. This made Starscream think of any potential side effects withdrawal from high-grade may have. 

Maybe he should– no, he should not. Starscream stopped that thought from crossing his mind. He stopped his distracting thoughts from running in his mind entirely when he noticed Optimus had stopped in his steps. He resumed his walking as well, and looked up at Optimus with a silent, questioning gaze.

"This will be your personal quarters for now," Optimus said and pointed towards the door they were stopped in front of. "But first, let me take your cuffs off." Starscream let out a curious hum as he felt Optimus move to standing right behind him. Soon, the cuffs came off with a soft click, and Starscream was quick to bring his servos to himself to stare at. His arms had been getting sore from keeping his servos behind his back like that. About time he got those cuffs off.

It hadn't been pleasant, not being able to emote with his servos when he had been interrogated. He briefly strected his arms before Optimus pointed at the door. Starscream gave out a tiny hum of acknowledgement in response, realizing Optimus wanted him to open the door for himself. He reached for the handle and opened it, peeking into the room.

The room was.. nothing special, really. Not that Starscream was expecting to receive a 5 star hotel berthroom with a king-sized berth, bathroom and a balcony, though. He just glanced around the room rather blankly as he stepped in. The room had a simple berth sat in the corner, a small desk with a lamp on top, a storage closet and... nothing else, really.

The room didn't even have windows! Which, well, the base is underground, so... Starscream didn't really know what he expected, but still? Even that room Starscream had made his place for recharging in the ruins of the Harbinger had a window, even though it couldn't be opened in any way. It at least gave enough natural light into the room every morning to make Starscream lose his sanity a little slower.

...Sigh. That can be a problem for later. "Does the room seem sufficient enough for your needs, Starscream?" Optimus spoke, his voice bringing Starscream out of his haze of staring at the blank walls of the room. He turned and looked back at Optimus. "Um. It's okay," Starscream said, his voice hesitant enough Starscream himself internally cringed at the sound of it.

"...Very well," Optimus replied, following Starscream as he wandered around the room in circles. Starscream went over to the desk and wiped the surface with a servo. It was a little dusty. Ew. He wiped his servo next on his thigh. He curiously checked the drawers on the desk as well... they were empty, obviously.

Next, Starscream made his way to the berth and tested it with a servo. Hm. Soft enough, good enough. He made his move and flopped down on the mattress right on his back, and proceeded to ignore Optimus' obvious stare on him as he closed his optics. Just a moment to vent. Inhale. Exhale. Mm, there we go. That helped Starscream's systems settle down a little.

"...I may remind you of the restrictions I have to place to ensure the safety of my team," Optimus said, breaking the silence after a minute or so. Starscream opened his optics to peek at Optimus, who had his face as serious as ever. "I may have to keep this door locked to limit your movement around the base, as I said before." Hmh. If Optimus had said that before, Starscream had certainly not processed that completely.

"Is that okay for you?" Why is Optimus even asking that? Starscream questioned in his mind. As if anything would change if I don't reply the words he wants to hear. Regardless of his stubborn want to say 'no', he chose to be on his best possible behavior. "Yes. Do whatever you need to do, to ensure the safety of your dear Autobots," Starscream replied in an exaggerated 'nicey' tone and raised himself up from the berth to sit on it. Optimus didn't look much impressed.

"I do take the safety of my Autobots seriously," Optimus replied, his tone almost sounding more serious than usual. "And Starscream... I hope I can place my trust on you in the future. But for now, you still have a long way to go." Great. How motivational, Prime. "Yes, I understand," Starscream said indifferently.

...A brief moment of awkward silence passed by them, and during that period, Starscream felt like Optimus was silently examining him, which seemed to be a common occurrence by now. Starscream could almost convince himself Optimus could actually see into the sparks of others with his piercing gaze.

"...Would you like a moment alone?" Optimus asked, his voice breaking the heavy silence. Huh. Surprisingly accurate. "...I feel tired," Starscream confessed, his words perhaps a half-truth. Sure, he was a little tired, but he did mainly want his own solitude back, even for a moment. He didn't really know anymore. "Alright. Are you able to use your comms?" Optimus asked next. Starscream nodded, before Optimus dug out a small piece of paper from his subspace. Since when..?

Starscream questioned why Optimus trusted him enough to keep his comm-systems online, even though he had told Optimus about how he had completely overwritten his old comm ID and all. Optimus would usually always plan things out way ahead into the future, but... Starscream raised himself from the berth and went to reach for the paper. Optimus stepped forward and handed it to him. Sure enough, the paper seemed to have Optimus' comm ID written down on it.

"..Hm," Starscream quietly hummed before neatly folding the paper to then toss it into the floor. Why? No idea. He just felt like doing so. Optimus chose not to react to it and instead, he turned to the door to give Starscream the solitude he could sense he needed. "Comm me if you need something, or would like to exit your quarters. I am going to work on the lock mechanism on your door to–" "Yes, I get it."

..."Okay. Take your time, Starscream," Optimus said before finally leaving the door, shutting the door behind him with a soft click.

And now, without Optimus' presence in the room, the emptiness of Starscream's new quarters really struck him as he glanced around the walls once again.

He picked up the paper from the floor and folded it back open, trailing a claw on its surface. He sighed before moving to sit on the berth again. The walls felt so empty, they almost felt like they were closing in on him. In reality, he was glad he got these quarters instead of an actual, empty cell. The possible lack of furniture in a cell would've certainly ripped the rest of Starscream's remaining mental stability away from him.

Starscream quickly saved Optimus' comm ID into his contacts, naming it to just simply read 'Prime'. Next thing he did, he crumbled up the paper and threw it against a wall before slumping back down in to the berth. The ceiling looked so empty, but he let his imagination fix the problem efficiently. Starscream let himself close his optics and he imagined he was lying under the stars outside, in a Cybertron made of equity and peace.

It wasn't a thing Starscream often dreamt of, but right now, it was a welcome distraction for his stressed mind. He placed his servos on his chassis, and focused on his venting for a moment. Maybe he could get some recharge next, and get some energy to.. face whatever was coming next. He'd have to get his belongings from the Harbinger here, at least. Oh, well. That was going to be a thing for the next day.

Chapter Text

Starscream had thought about attempting to recharge as he tried to distract his busy and weary mind in solitude. Was he able to recharge? Not for much longer than just an hour or two.

He had given up relying on his imagination shortly after waking up once again on the berth, and the sound of his own venting was suddenly becoming more annoying and unsettling in the silence, instead of it being a sound to ground himself with. 

It took him an unknown amount of time for him to give up shuffling around in the berth, trying to make the thin blanket he had found and taken from the storage closet like an hour ago, at least somewhat comfortable on himself. He had no clue what the time even was. Primus, this was going well.

Starscream pushed himself up to sit on the edge of the berth. He tried to keep his venting as quiet as possible to give his audials a small break. It wasn't helping that he was feeling restless and the helmache he had dreaded had finally appeared, a throbbing feeling hitting him on the helm whenever he'd move.

...But hey, despite the interrogations, at least the Autobots hadn't checked his frame or anything. He still had his remote groundbridge controller in his subspace.

Dumb fools.

Starscream got up from the berth and stood up. He stretched out his limbs, trying to ignore the slight unsteadiness of his frame. He then reached for his subspace with shaky servos – when had that started? and he pulled out the remote groundbridge controller.

Summoning a groundbridge right in his quarters wasn't a good idea, at all. But, he lived to take risks, most of the time anyway. So, he typed in the coordinates to the Harbinger and soon, the groundbridge appeared before him.

Starscream glanced behind himself to make sure none of the Autobots didn't magically learn how to teleport, or to silently walk and open doors. The coast was clear, and he walked in swiftly through the bridge. He stumbled in his steps off to the side as he came through from the other side, but at least he didn't fall right on his face.

He gathered up his balance, swallowed down a wave of nausea, and quickly saved the location where he last summoned a groundbridge in. The coordinates showed themselves in a confirmation they had been saved, and a part of Starscream's thoughts already went to drifting to territories they shouldn't go to.

He could so, so easily send the coordinates to any of the Decepticons. He could so easily ruin everything the Autobots had ever worked for, but–...

Starscream pressed a button to get rid of the groundbridge, the glow quickly fading away from behind him. Next, he gazed around his surroundings. Everything looked familiar enough, even in the darkness of the night, and in the distance, he could see the faint outline of that old wreck of a warship.

Ah. The Harbinger. The few hours he had spent in the base of the Autobots had made him almost miss the place. But, he had no time to dwell on the memories that began to surface in his mind nor to take in the fresh night air he finally could get in to his systems. He'd just have to get his belongings and get back into his quarters at the base. Easy enough.

Starscream went on and stumbled inside the Harbinger and headed right for his berthroom. Conveniently, there was a half-empty glass of energon on a table nearby, which Starscream recognised to be some high-grade. The temptation rose immediately, and soon enough, he had downed the entire glass. Ew. It tasted disgusting, but his likely addiction (and perhaps, fear of withdrawal symptoms) made him force himself to swallow it regardless.

It left a rusty taste in his intake he tried to swallow down with no success. Hmh. Whatever. Next, he looked around the other rooms in the Harbinger, trying to think of what to take at the same time. What would he need...? He couldn't take the whole ship with him, that's for sure.

Hm. Starscream spent a good amount of time going through the drawers and grabbing whatever he wanted to keep and things he didn't want to be seen by anyone, in case someone in the future, would come to the Harbinger and seek through every corner of it.

And of course, he is going to take his pile of high-grade with him. He found that crate tucked away in a storage closet, and he carried it out to where he was doing his initial 'packing'. It was tempting to take another cube from it to really give in a kick to his systems, but he decided to hold back the urge for now, moving back to collecting the rest of his stuff.

He threw everything he collected into a pile on the desk in the berthroom, consistent of a few datapads, old photos. Photos, that some of them made Starscream's spark clench in an emotion he couldn't really decipher at first, but it did soon hit his drowsy processor. Longing. 

The photo now on the top of the pile was of Starscream himself, posing proudly in a place that was decorated in gold, looking like a throne, which it basically was. In the bottom corner of the image, there was text, in Starscream's own writing; "Starscream, Prince of Vos" along with the date, that was set multiple vorns in the past, before the war had even started.

Starscream let out a quiet sigh. Oh, the times when life was far more simple and he felt like he was on top of the world, where nothing could ever take him down from the throne. Oh, how wrong he had been. 

The sudden thoughts about the war, how he had practically lost everything he had ever gained, everything, made Starscream's spark throb uncomfortably. He placed a servo on the desk, his claws coming to scratch its surface as a new emotion surfaced within him – anger. 

Anger, fueled by the need for revenge, the need to do something to regain what he once had, even though he fully knew that is impossible.

Anger at everyone who has ever wronged him. Anger at himself.

...

Starscream numbed that thought down soon enough by taking out a high-grade cube out of the crate he had already made sure is ready for delivery, forcing it down his throat and by letting it quickly work its magic. 

...He slowly had gotten done with checking (and re-checking) every corner of the Harbinger, and finally, he could say he was ready to leave. Of course, he left behind his main supply energon in the storage, just in case he ever needs to fall back down here.

Last things he took were his blanket (it's a weighted one – that's what makes it special!) and a pillow. No, his room in the Autobot base, strangely enough, didn't have a pillow in it, not even in the storage closet. And no, he wouldn't dream of asking the Autobots for one. Maybe some pillow-hoarder has already taken each one of them into their own room, anyway.

He neatly tried to put everything into an easily carryable form before activating the groundbridge right back into his new quarters. The light emitting from it blinded Starscream momentarily, but his optics quickly adjusted to the change. He grabbed his stuff and made sure nothing could fall during his travel.

Deep vent. In he goes. Starscream stumbled out from the other side of the groundbridge soon enough, and he attempted not to throw right up to the floor. He set the stuff down on the ground and took a short moment to steady himself, and mentally noted himself to not go through groundbridges when in heavier influence of high-grade, as that definitely didn't help with the dizziness the travel usually inflicts on him.

He took the most important stuff out of it, and stuffed them into one of the tiny drawers the desk had on it, and took his weighted blanket to replace the disgusting excuse of a blanket he used before. The high-grade... surely the Autobots won't see it, right? And maybe, to help with the insomnia, just one more cube can't hurt, right?

Starscream climbed into the berth and tucked himself right in after tossing the empty cube into the closet in his room. The blanket brought him a sense of familiarity he needed right now, but it didn't ease the slight ache growing in his tanks. Whatever, he can recharge through it. Maybe. Hopefully.

———————

By the time all of the Autobots had woken up and gotten around to planning their next move, Ratchet was the first one to mainly pay attention to the lack of the new presence in the base. Optimus had told him about the lock system he had set in to his room, but Ratchet had thought Starscream would've suffocated in the room already.

Ratchet took a quick glance at Optimus, who was currently talking to a rather mad-looking Arcee. It didn't take long for Arcee to notice Ratchet staring at the two of them, which made her storm off, presumably towards her own quarters. He had a slight hunch of what Arcee is upset about, but that's a discussion for another time.

Optimus noticed Ratchet's gaze soon as well, and tilted his helm slightly at him as he began to walk up to him. "Is something wrong, Ratchet?" Optimus asked him in his usual, calm tone. "I was wondering where the newcomer is," Ratchet stated. "It's been real quiet here, considering how much he usually is capable of talking."

"He should be in his quarters," Optimus answered, though a hint of suspicion appeared to his expression. "Why?" "I think he would've wanted to get out of there already. Have you not checked up on him yet? Has the tried to contact you?" 

Optimus sighed in response to the words. "No, he hasn't," he replied. "Nor have I yet checked up on him. Is there something you need of him?" Ratchet huffed. "Thought I'd at least discuss a potential medical exam with him. Primus knows how well that would go.." Yeah, Ratchet wasn't exactly looking forward to doing a medical exam on Starscream, of all people.

But of course, Starscream was supposed to now be their teammate (unless he has somehow escaped during the night, which Ratchet didn't write off as impossible) and it was his job to take care of his teammates, no matter how stubborn they could be at any given moment. "...You have the code to his quarters. I'll let Arcee be on her own for a moment, before I go check on her. Would you be alright checking up on Starscream yourself?" Optimus' voice broke Ratchet out of his thoughts.

Ratchet sighed and waved a servo at Optimus as he already began to walk towards the quarters. "Fine," he vented out. He rechecked the code from his comm-message history with Optimus for the code as he walked himself to where Starscream's quarters were. "Starscream. Are you up?" Ratchet said in a somewhat annoyed tone. He knocked on the door, only to receive no response.

Hmh. Had he actually ran off? Ratchet next tested the handle of the door. It was still locked, so next, he punched the code in and opened the door with a harsh swing. Ratchet's optics focused right on the... mess Starscream's quarters were in. What the scrap...?

There were small energon cubes on the floor, a knocked down crate nearby the energon cubes had fallen from. A few empty ones were also on the desk in the corner of the room. In the berth, was Starscream himself, laying on his front with the blanket clumsily on his back, it barely covering his frame. He seemed to still be recharging. Ratchet hesitantly walked into the room, closing the door behind himself.

On the desk, there was something else as well. Some kind of strange, handheld device. Upon closer inspection, Ratchet recognised it to be a remote groundbridge controller. Question one; how the frag had Starscream acquired this? Question two; had he used it to sneak out of the base, gather whatever junk he could from the Pits and yet, still return? 

He whipped his helm back to look at Starscream. Ratchet had expected the Seeker to bring trouble with himself, but he would've never guessed it would already start and to turn out to be this bad. Where had he gotten all of this? 

Ratchet next crouched down to pick up one of the energon cubes. Hm. It didn't even seem like regular energon... he got back up and practically tried to burn a hole through Starscream with his gaze alone.

"Starscream," Ratchet said in the most 'done-for' tone possible. "Wake up," he added more firmly. Starscream only twitched a little in his recharge in response. Oh, at this rate, Ratchet is going to get a spark attack from just Starscream's presence within their ranks. He walked up to the berth and stared down at Starscream for a few seconds in silence.

"...Rise and shine. Get up," Ratchet tried again, this time making Starscream actually move and flip on to his back. To Ratchet's mild relief, Starscream actually had woken up and decided to slowly blink his optics open. "Whh.. whmm–?!" The sudden registration of the other presence in the room – in his room – got Starscream to snap his optics open and him to shake his helm to force off his drowsiness.

"It's morning, quite deep in already, in fact. Next, would you mind explaining.." Ratchet paused, turning himself around to point at the obvious mess at the ground. "...this?"

Starscream's processor seemed to freeze as he just stared blankly at Ratchet for a good few seconds before turning his gaze to the floor as well. He cleared his throat. "Um. I-I don't know what you're talking about," he eventually muttered out.

"You've got to be kidding me. Primus, why did you throw this mech into our custody...?" Ratchet thought, and almost wanted to spew the words out loud. He kept himself from that, though. "...I don't think you've just suddenly gone blind, Starscream," Ratchet retorted to him. "Could you explain where did all of this come from?" 

In fact, Starscream didn't know how the hell did the cubes end up on the floor like that. He could've sworn he had tucked the crate away against a wall, the discarded blanket coming to cover it. Had he sleepwalked or suddenly gotten so out of it with all of the high-grade he couldn't remember himself messing around during the night even further?

Starscream tried to keep his composure in tact, but it wasn't the most pleasant of 'alarm clocks', so to say, to be woken up to being exposed of your own stupidity. And of your own addiction, supposedly. "...Um.. I..." he tried to force himself to speak, but barely no coherent words escaped his vocalizer. "Those are... they're cubes of high-grade, a-alright? I just–"

"They're what?"

Oh, frag. Couldn't Ratchet have waited for Starscream to wake up completely so he'd be coherent enough to actually think about his choice of words?

The silence that followed Ratchet's words made the tight feeling in Starscream's chassis worsen. Starscream began to feel cornered as he didn't know where to place his gaze. It drifted from Ratchet's optics to the ceiling, to himself, back to Ratchet again. "...I can explain, I swear," Starscream muttered out, his voice far too... 'vulnerable'-sounding for his own taste.

Stupid me, stupid me. Why did I do this? Why did I not think this entire thing through straight?!  Not like I would've been able to, considering how out of it I already was, apparently. Oh, frag, what is he going to do to me? Did I frag everything up already?

Ratchet stayed quiet as he waited for Starscream to spit out his excuse, explanation, whatever, for the entire thing. Yet, nothing came out of his intake. Starscream subconsciously seemed to bury himself back further into his blanket, too.

Frag, frag frag, frag! How did.. why did he even come here-? How did.. I wasn't recharging for that long... frag.

"Starscream?" Ratchet called out as he noticed Starscream had apparently gone off into his own thoughts. Was his venting getting faster?

Frag... what do I do? Can I just run? No, Ratchet's right there.. what do I say to him?!

"Starscream. Earth to Starscream," Ratchet called out again and got close enough to him to wave a servo in front of Starscream's face. Sure enough, he was brought out of his thoughts with an undignified yelp leaving him. He pulled the blanket up closer to his face by reflex.

Starscream was left looking like a fool, mildly panting as he tried to hide himself from Ratchet without even putting effort into it. Ratchet managed to let out a weary sigh. "Explain?" he tried to prode. The word made Starscream hold his venting in. This mech...

"....They're cubes of high-grade?" Ratchet asked to confirm. Starscream looked away from him briefly before managing to nod hesitantly, a heavy exhale leaving him afterwards. "Hm. Where did you get them?" Starscream thought about the question for a moment, whether he should be honest or attempt to lie. Though, he got a feeling Ratchet would see right through a lie, so...

Starscream awkwardly cleared his throat again and tried to make himself appear more 'normal' by slowly sitting up on the berth, the blanket now clumped up on his lap. "From the Harbinger," he mumbled out. "I went out and ventured out to my previous stomping grounds, using a groundbridge remote controller. I got my stuff from there, which happens to include the.." Starscream explained, and next pointed to the cubes on the floor, "...those."

"...And why do you have high-grade in your possession? Especially in this high of a quantity," Ratchet questioned, pointing to the cubes as well. "How much do you drink?" The questions never end, again. "It.. I'm.. it's.." Starscream attempted to stutter out again. He groaned and ended up burying his face into his servos. He hated feeling vulnerable like this. At moments like these, Starscream can feel embarrassed enough to almost feel like Megatron should come and beat him again for being so....

"Tell me, Starscream. How much do you drink on average, per day? One cube or more?" Ratchet asked. Starscream sighed into his servos before dropping them to his lap. "More, I'd say. Enough so I have that stuff in my veins almost constantly," he confessed sharply. It stung to admit to something like that, yet, Starscream found a part of himself feeling... something like relief?

Ratchet had expected Starscream's answer to be quite bad, but perhaps not as bad as Starscream's words made it out to be. The blunt honesty is what he appreciated, though. "...Starscream, that's not–" "I know it's not healthy," Starscream cut off, finishing Ratchet's sentence for him. "But I just can't help it. It calms the processor and clouds the spark," he mused to Ratchet. 

"Well, as much as you might like your high-grade and getting so drunk you make a mess of everything," Ratchet said sternly, "we would rather not you continue this, if you still want to be an Autobot." Starscream sighed. Here comes the expected essay of what he can and can not do.

Ratchet took a few steps backwards from Starscream and he crossed his arms. "I do not want to see my team hurt because of you. Whether you're drunk, doing it intentionally or not. I'm still not really sure whether Optimus did the right choice with bringing you here, but, you're going to have to deal with following basic etiquette here. That means I'll gladly make sure you don't drink high-grade in a while."

Starscream could only huff in response. Ratchet dared to threaten him by taking his high-grade away from him? Oh, well. "Hmh. What about withdrawal side-effects?" he decided to ask. "I can and will administer medicine to you to prevent any severe side-effects," Ratchet replied. Huh. That was easier than Starscream had expected. 

Starscream huffed again and pushed his blanket to the floor to raise himself up from the berth. He took a brief moment to himself to stretch his limbs out, to get that stiffness out of them that came from the horrible quality (and quantity) of his recharge and the strange positions he did so in. He then looked down at the mess on the floor. Sigh.

Starscream began to quietly pick the cubes up to place into the crate Ratchet moved to flip back up. He placed the cubes in carefully, while Ratchet, who had began to help him, more so threw them in. Soon enough, every cube was neatly off of the floor, set in the crate in a somewhat orderly manner. Next, Ratchet picked up the crate and went to Starscream's door to open it.

Starscream followed carefully behind him, trying to peek into the crate like a curious sparkling. "...Could I have one last cube? Just one?" he attempted. "No," Ratchet replied within a sparkbeat, not even bothering to turn back to look at Starscream. "You, wait there."

Starscream watched Ratchet walk off the hallway, while he very kindly obeyed and stood by the door. And then.. he waited him to come back, obviously. His wings twitched as he began to think about the situation further. He sure as hell doesn't want Ratchet to force feed him some random medicine, but he also doesn't want to die of some, likely easily preventable side-effects. Decisions, decisions.

...Well, surviving was the better option out of the two bads. Soon, Ratchet appeared back into his line of sight, looking almost more tired than he looked when conforting him. "I put the cubes into a storage room," Ratchet told him as he got up to him. "I'll see what I can give you to prevent the side-effects from withdrawal."

"Hmh, fine," Starscream forced out through clenced dentae, and he slumped up his posture dramatically. "When do I start my prescription, dear Doctor?" he added sarcastically. "Sooner or later," Ratchet responded and began to walk to the main area of the base, gesturing for Starscream to follow with him.

Starscream straightened his posture back up and began to follow Ratchet with hesitant steps. "Oh, and by the way, at the same time, I could perhaps do a medical exam on you, considering you've been on your own, obviously without proper health care for so long."

Starscream froze with his steps. Ratchet turned back to look at him once he heard the steps stop and he saw that Starscream was now looking at him like he had grown a second helm.

"....What?!"