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r/relationship_advice

^{u/notsas95 • 1h}

in love with my commanding officer?? what do i do

(throwaway because I could get in trouble)

I (M28, sergeant) fancy the shit out of my lieutenant (M34). for context we're both in the army (can't say where or how). I met him a few years ago when we were paired together on a job, & we've been in the same squad ever since.

I had the hots for him when I met him if I'm honest. he's a braw fucker. really tall, wide, pretty scary, bit of a loner. people sort of stay away from him, idrk why. I didn't see his face for a couple of days but he has a really nice voice.

& he was really good to me. I've had some shit COs, they're mostly the same after the first few, but not this guy. we ended up in a really sticky situation in that first week (I got hurt & then left behind) but he waited for me in a warzone when he didn't have to. (things got weirdly flirty on comms? but it was like, banter? army lads are all the same. I think he was just trying to keep me going so I didn't stop and then die tbh).

anyway he seemed surprised when I thanked him for it, like he was always gonna stay. he said somethin like "no one fights alone", daft bastard. that and his stupid nickname for me that I don't hate because it's him that's saying it in his fucking sex voice. I'd have stabbed anyone else who tried that, but not him.

so after that we pulled some more crazy shit & honestly it was like we'd known each other forever. he just gets me. fills in all my gaps in the field the way I fill in his, we're the perfect team. our CO kept us together after that because why not. LT confessed to me that he'd always preferred working alone, but not anymore. he says that a lot. it's really nice to have him around.

so that was week 1, & I fancied him, but then I started falling proper big-L in Love with him. (I'm already bi, the “man” bit wasn't the surprise).

he's got the shittest sense of humour, spends all day cracking dad jokes down our comms tryin to make me laugh . he looks scary but he's really kind underneath, he looks out for the youngins and saves me the good MREs and always volunteers to take first watch. he's patched me up way too many times and his hands are really soft and gentle under his gloves and you can't see his face all the time but you can tell when he's smiling because his eyes go all crinkly and yeah. (im a bit drunk, sorry)

he's the best thing that’s ever happened to me. i think I’ve always been a bit much for people, but he’s never made me feel bad like that. he's always interested when I talk (i think. at least I don't think he'd bother pretending for that long). he’s not really a touchy guy but sometimes I just want to hold onto him & not let go.

but he's my best friend. we've shared beds and sleeping bags (I got hypothermia one time) & cigarettes when we're running low amd when we're on leave together sometimes we just go with each other because neither of us have anywhere else to go (just family shit, yknow). so ive met his cat. and seen his record collection, it's not bad. his sofa's really shit tho and we're both big fellas so we just share his bed when I'm over, it's nothing we haven't done before. he's like a space heater. (plus it helps when we get nightmares and wake each other up, just means we don't have to come running to calm the other down.)

I really really don't wanna lose him as a friend but if I tell him I'm in love with him I'm scared I will. I'm pretty sure he's straight anyway. (& even if by some TINY chance he did feel the same way we could get in huge trouble, he's an officer & I'm enlisted and im fairly sure it's illegal.) but when I look at him my chest gets all tight and its honestly starting to hurt, like, physically. pretty soon he’s gonna start asking if I'm okay and do I need a medic etc etc and I’ll have to make something up.

tldr: I'm in love with my CO & I can't tell him. do I ask for a transfer?? I think that'd kill me. & he'd be really upset and ask why and I wouldn't be able to say. plus not being there to have his back would scare the shit out of me, I like knowing he's safe where I can see him. I really don't know what to do. any advice welcome.

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kling_on99

hold on OP you said you can’t see his face? but you’re in love w him??

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notsas95 • OP

yeah I mean he wears this mask on the job & he doesn’t really like taking it off, but he does sometimes. his face is really pretty, I wish I could see it more

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kling_on99

when does he take it off?

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notsas95 • OP

he rolls it up for a fag or a drink. or when we’re alone sometimes, like if it’s really late & we’re on watch together. idk there’s not really a pattern.

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kling_on99

interesting

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NormalHorseGirl

I think you should tell him. From what you’ve said here, and the way you talk about him, it’s only going to get worse for you (trust me, I’d know). Either he feels the same, great; or he doesn’t, would he at least be kind about it? As you’ve said, worst case scenario is that you get a transfer. So you might as well find out first, right?

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notsas95 • OP

I’m tempted but I just can’t bring myself to do it. every time I see him I wanna blurt it out but I’m so fucking afraid of losing him. whenever we get called out I dream about him dying in front of me & that’s already bad enough

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NormalHorseGirl

I’m really sorry, that sounds like such a tough situation. I hope you both make it out okay.

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jennyofftheclock

I’m a proud advocate of the Gay Agenda so I’m going to help you out, OP. let’s assess the evidence:

• This man flirted with you to save you from dying(?)
• He said, to your face, “no one fights alone.” Like you’re at the end of a period action movie and he just saved your life with a massive sword.
• He has a nickname for you that nobody else is allowed to use.
• He’s a loner except for you specifically.
• He spends all day trying to make you laugh.
• He gets you the food you like.
• He listens when you talk.
• You frequently share beds.
• You soothe each other’s nightmares.

Either this is some Homoerotic Military Shit I’m too weak and feeble to understand or that man is your husband. hope this helps!

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notsas95 • OP

I figured maybe it was too but something about it feels different this time. like we all live on top of each other here, we’ve all seen each other naked, we share showers, & the hypothermia thing happens more often than you’d think. I’ve been doing this shit for years and it does get pretty gay.

but then sometimes he just looks at me and it’s like… idk. I think that maybe I’m imagining what I want to see. like, I want it to mean more to him because it means more to me too. I just don’t know.

I wish I could’ve met him somewhere else. I wish neither of us had ever joined the army. maybe then it would've been easy.

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red_mouth_sapph

OP I’m gay and on my period you can’t do this to me

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boxes_of_beanz

sorry OP you share a BED and u think this man is STRAIGHT

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notsas95 • OP

idk, he’s never talked about relationships. he’s not really a relationship guy.

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boxes_of_beanz

does he pick up women when you get time off

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notsas95 • OP

not as far as i know

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boxes_of_beanz

yeah man because he gay loves u. in your gay bed

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g4zmeup

just ask him out you coward. you won’t

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notsas95 • OP

but it’s illegal

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g4zmeup

as if cap would give a shit

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flaskofturkeys88

no advice here (sorry ig) just wanted to say that the way you talk about him is cute as shit, hope it goes well for you!!

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notsas95 • OP

he’s the cute one, you should see him. he's got these big brown eyes like a cow. and he's blonde

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acc3ptablelineup

hear me out here: don’t tell him. from the way you talk I wanna guess you’re british, and as someone who’s also enlisted that is a HUGE no. you could get in massive trouble but you’d also get him in even worse trouble, and if you care about him that much then you won’t want to hurt him. get the transfer, spare yourself the pain.

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queenandcuntry

(seconded – sincerely, someone who once narrowly avoided a dishonourable discharge)

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notsas95 • OP

no

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acc3ptablelineup

no you’re not transferring? /gen

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notsas95 • OP

no im not british

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anon_638407hdi3

"fills in all my gaps the way I fill in his"

yeah I’ll bet

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find_m3_on_tumblr

bring back being classy

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rockflagNgo_eagles

don’t ask don’t tell man idk

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notsas95 • OP

that was the yanks. our ban got lifted in 2000.

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hidden_arrears

I think I’ve seen this film before

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sidddstorm22

we’ve all been on pornhub buddy, youre not special

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notsas95 • OP

??

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panikkan_t

damn this happened to a buddy of mine (fr though. but they’re firefighters so I think the rules were different? sorry man)

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arpeggioKing

you say you’re in love w him, but maybe you could just stay as you are now? my best friend and I pull shit like this all the time – you can love someone without being *in* love w them, yknow?

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hileyyb0t

pretty gay of u ngl

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notsas95 • OP

yeah true but also I think about sucking his dick basically all day every day & I’m nervous that if I keep pretending I don’t want to fuck him I’m gonna accidentally get on my knees during PT or something

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hileyyb0t

I take it back, this is gayer

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Agent77_05

really tall, wide, pretty scary, bit of a loner. people sort of stay away from him, idrk why. I didn't see his face for a couple of days but he has a really nice voice.

why is he a loner OP? /gen

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notsas95 • OP

he wears this mask that has a skull on it. that & he’s massive and has an RBF from hell, sort of scary dog like. also he’s killed more ppl than anyone I know. (he’s amazing with a knife, it’s actually really hot.)

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Agent77_05

user not-sas, I think your life is fucked. but I hope you have a nice day regardless.

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str0cessor

hey quick question what’s wrong with you

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notsas95 • OP

what’s right with me

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str0cessor

damn, you got me there

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+ 2097 more replies

Chapter Text

r/AmITheAsshole

^{u/user75w439rhs9_7 • 2h}

AITA for falling in love with a subordinate?

(I'm using a throwaway because I don't want this on my account.)

I (M34) think I'm falling in love with my subordinate (M28). We're both in the army. I don't know what to do. This is fairly long, so bear with me.

A bit of context - I'm an army lieutenant. I won't go into specifics, but my job is pretty dangerous. I've worked alone for a long time and I always preferred it that way. People have let me down before, and I have a hard time trusting others as a result.

Enter the sergeant. We met on a job (I get shifted about a lot, sort of like a contractor) and the first thing he did was punch me on the arm and offer to save me a seat on our transport. I like to think I'm intimidating, I really don't give "punch me" signals, but this guy was right in there from day one. And then it only got worse.

The job lasted about a week and it was pretty intense, even by my standards. I was concerned that he might not be able to keep up. Not only did he keep up, he went above and beyond. I was impressed. (Not that I was going to tell him that).

At one point he'd gotten hurt pretty badly and then split up from the rest of us. It was dark and raining and I thought we might’ve lost him, but I caught him on our radio as he was making his way back to me. There was no reason for me to be as relieved as I was at hearing his voice again. (I waited behind for him. I like to think I'd have waited for any of my men, but I truly don't know. The flirting to keep him cheerful is definitely something I don't make a habit of, I just couldn't help myself. I felt insane.)

(It also doesn’t help that he's absolutely beautiful. I mean, really. He's wasted on our line of work. Having a crush on him was something I could handle - I've never done anything with a man before but honestly in the list of shit that's ever happened to me, "gay thoughts" ranks pretty low on "things to panic about". I got over it.)

The crush was fine. I could live with it. I don't know how I'm supposed to live with the rest.

I mentioned the trust thing earlier. Within days of working with the sergeant he'd earned my trust twice over, and that fucking terrifies me. I don't live like that. People you trust can hurt you the most, and I’ve all but handed him the knife to cut my heart out with.

I'm generally unapproachable and abrasive and he just slid right into my space like he'd always belonged there. I was too stunned by his sheer audacity to shut it down straight away, and then I got used to it, and then I started to enjoy it. He's a gobby little shite. Cracks jokes at the worst times, adores attention, throws his full weight behind a compliment. He does and says everything at 100% all the time. It'd be annoying, except I know that he's completely earnest about all of it. He's also so unbelievably competent that he can pull it off without looking like a twat.

I started having fun, and that doesn't really happen to me. I knew I was showing off in return, trying to rile him up, teasing him back. It was like when you find a new mate on the playground at school. I felt younger than I am.

Anyway, the job ended and my CO decided to keep us all together for the foreseeable. He’d had his eye on building a team for a while back then, and his other eye on trying to find me some kind of field partner. (We're old friends. I know he thinks the loner thing isn't healthy, but it works for me).

My sergeant and I have been working together for a few years now and he's genuinely become my best friend. And then I went and fucked it by growing feelings. I've never had a best friend before, so I didn't know if I was doing it right, but I know full well that friends don't dream about kissing each other.

He's just... him. You'd have to meet him to get it, I don't know how to explain properly. He's like the sun, just bright wherever he goes. He makes me laugh. He makes me want to be a better man. I don't think I could go back to working alone anymore, not after knowing him.

And sometimes he looks at me for a little too long, or he gets touchy, or he flirts with me over the radio and I start getting in my own head about it. But he's such a people person that I think I must be making it up. He could make friends with a house plant, he's just that sort of guy. It'd be incredibly embarrassing if I was reading into signals that weren't even there.

Which is where my question comes in. Because he's my subordinate.

I'm an officer and he's enlisted, which legally has all kinds of grey areas. We shouldn't even be as close as we are, but we're working in an uncommon situation where we're treated as equals more than not. I've only pulled rank on him a handful of times, and he knows how to toe the line. But complicating our relationship could make things very dangerous on the job.

Best case scenario is he feels the same and we manage to keep it under wraps. Worst case scenario we'd both get court-martialled, he'd probably face a transfer and it'd go on his record. I'd be lucky to avoid arrest and get out with a dishonourable discharge.

But that's not the real worst case scenario. The worst is that he doesn't feel the same. He could let me down easily, he's such a headstrong bloke that he'd never be forced into anything.

But my biggest fear is that he'd go along with it just to make me happy. I feel ill just thinking about it. He's contractually bound to do anything I tell him to, and I'd eat my own pistol before ordering him to do anything like that, but I don't think I could be sure either way. He can't properly consent like this.

Which is why I feel like the arsehole. I've blurred the lines further than I ever should've done, we share leave together, we've shared beds before, and I know I should've delineated friends and colleagues before it was far too late. But I'm selfish, and I didn't want to. And now here we are. Realistically I should report myself and ask for a transfer, but like I said. Selfish.

I’m saying all of this here because none of you know me and I don’t own a journal. Practical advice please, if you lot can manage that.

tl;dr: AITA for falling in love with my subordinate, potentially complicating our working relationship and ruining both our lives?

⇧ 16.4k  ⇩    💬 2,982

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⇧ Vote  ⇩ 

idaho_tomato

"My sergeant" 👀

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

...fuck’s sake

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giggleshitter87

hoe is you Shakespeare

⇧ 28.8k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

giggleshitter87

OP seriously tho quit your day job and start writing novels. get your bag & then get your man. everyone wins.

⇧ 26.4k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

That’s very kind of you, but unfortunately the logistics of me retiring are a bit complicated.

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giggleshitter87

how so?

⇧ 11k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I’m legally dead. It’s a long story.

⇧ 27k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

The_Asshole_Judge

NTA. like, at all. you can’t help who you fall in love with, and it sounds like you understand your responsibilities well and are being super respectful of his boundaries.

I know you said he can’t consent under military rules, but it also sounds like your situation is a bit different to the usual superior/subordinate dynamic. Is it something you could talk through with him? Or would your CO be understanding if you mentioned this to him instead?

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

As I said I’m hesitant to bring it up with him in case he feels obligated to go along with it. I could talk to the captain, he’s a good man and one of the few people I do trust, but I think he can only say what I’m already saying here. And if he somehow took issue with it, I don’t know what I’d do. I’d have to leave them both. I’ve finally found a place where I want to stay, I don’t really want to have to go again.

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jennyofftheclock

@ u/notsas95 come get your man, he’s lost

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boxes_of_beanz

I FUCKING KNEW IT AHAHA

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

?

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Baby_faceJessie

OP I don’t have an opinion on Assholery or otherwise here but can I just say the way you talk about him is so lovely. He must be really special. Can you tell us anything else about him? /gen

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I could talk about him all day. Which is a weird feeling, because usually he does the talking for us both. But I guess I’ve got no one in my life I’d feel safe confessing any of this to, and I feel like I have to get it out, you know? At least to someone.

I’ve never met anyone like him, and I doubt I ever will again. Sometimes it feels like I went through decades of fucked-up stuff and then the universe gave him to me as an apology. And I think maybe all of it was worth it just for that.

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red_mouth_sapph

you guys are killing me, I swear

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LegallyBrunette

hey OP I expect a wedding invite one day okay

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alfafafa

same

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XxBloodMoonxX

same

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theycallmeMrCheese

my step-uncle’s a part-time DJ, if you need a guy

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inv3stment_wiz4rd

YTA, bro. you already know what you have to do, you said it yourself. and the fact you haven’t done it yet makes you the AH. sorry.

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tangogetter

how the fuck is OP the asshole man, he’s not done anything??

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inv3stment_wiz4rd

he should’ve reported himself for conflict of interest? obviously

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OldManPissbody

you should report yourself for being a whimsiless killjoy

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inv3stment_wiz4rd

what

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Judgement_Bot_AITA • MOD

[This thread has been CLOSED due to a violation of our rules.]

TaraTime_64

NTA, but I have something to say, so please hear me out OP (I’m a counsellor with 11 years of experience in the industry, for reference):

I don’t buy the consent argument. You’re both grown men, presumably you know how to communicate, even if feelings aren’t something you talk about a lot. It’s a sticky situation, for sure, but not one that couldn’t be resolved (or at least understood) with a proper sit-down talk about boundaries and expectations.

I might well be wrong, but I think there’s something else holding you back from telling him how you feel. And I think it might be worth pausing and examining what that is before you go any further.

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

You’re probably right. I think I already know what it is.

Betraying my trust is the worst thing he could do, I know that, but I’m fairly certain he doesn’t intend to. I wouldn’t have let him stick around if I thought for a second that he might.

But neither of us are going to see 40, and that’s almost a guarantee. Nobody who isn’t at least slightly suicidal does what we do, and I was always alright with that before, but then I found something to live for. And now I can’t get out.

The thought of loving him and then living without him would take what’s left of me, and I think I’m trying to avoid that hurt.

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uwu_jenkins3

one for r/philosophy, maybe?

⇧ 15k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

Mister_T0m57

OP, I don’t comment a lot on reddit (I’m more of a silent lurker type) but I’m going to say something now that I think might change your perspective.

I’m an old queer. Born ‘57, I’ll be 65 this year. I met my Michael when we were just 21. There weren’t an awful lot of places for people like us in those days, I’m sure you can imagine, but word on the street that summer was that the new bar that’d opened by the docks was “on the level”. So I snuck out of my parents’ house to go and see what all the fuss was about, and there he was, alone in the middle of the dancefloor, having the time of his life. (Your man sounds a bit like him, I think. Bright.) We locked eyes, I bought him a drink, and the rest is history.

We suffered through a great deal together. When my parents found out about him they kicked me out of their house, and nobody wanted to rent to a couple of gays back then so we had to make out like he was my cousin to afford a place. My mum died last year, and before that I hadn’t spoken to her in thirty years.

Mike and I inexplicably lived through the AIDS crisis, though we lost about half of all our friends to it. I knew then that we were lucky. You lived every day like it was your last in those days, because you had to. But we made them happy.

In 1993, Mike was diagnosed with bowel cancer. By ‘94 it had spread, and by ‘95 he’d passed on. He was 37 years old, I was 38. Twenty-seven years later and I never met anyone else. He was it for me, I’d always known it even then. I’d have married him if I could’ve.

Now I’m not saying any of this to garner sympathy, I’m long past that. I loved Mike more than anything and losing him hurt more than anything. I still wake up expecting to see his face beside mine on the pillows.

But god, I’d do it all again if I could, and I wouldn’t change a single second of it. I don’t regret choosing to love and be loved, I don’t regret choosing our happiness, and I don’t regret suffering for it. Those years we had together were the best and brightest of my life. I talk about him with almost everyone I meet because I want the happiness he created while he was here to multiply. He was that sort of a man.

As for you and your situation, I’m of the belief that to love and lose is better than to have never loved at all. From what you’ve said above it sounds like you love him already, so unfortunately losing him was already going to hurt. But while you’re both here now, you could choose happiness for however long you have together. I really don’t think you’ll regret it.

⇧ 25.5k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

staceyency92

This is amazing, thank you for sharing your story with us. I’ll be thinking of Michael today.

⇧ 14.9k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

Thank you for the advice. You’ve given me lots to think about.

⇧ 18k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

hockeyslvt02

handed him the knife to cut out my heart with

they don't make men like this anymore.

⇧ 23.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

Dundermuff_lin

they do in Europe

⇧ 16k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

behold_aMan

ah yes, my favourite country

⇧ 20.1k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

hidden_arrears

oh I’ve definitely seen this film before

⇧ 21.4k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

red_mouth_sapph

I CAN’T man I’m absolutely living for this. this is my pride and prejudice (2005). “he makes me want to be a better man” is my mr darcy hand flex.

⇧ 19.5k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

Dr_pentHouse

he does sound a bit mr darcy-ish doesn’t he lmao

⇧ 12k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

hidden_arrears

anyways I’m making popcorn, who wants some

⇧ 9.3k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I’ve never seen that film.

⇧ 17k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

therealDimShady

OP I love you the way I love the feral cat I stole off an abandoned street in Athens and then brought home to live with me. his name is Skrunkly Boy, and he eats salmon steaks now.

⇧ 14.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

My cat’s called Major General Mitski. She eats my carpets.

⇧ 15k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

therealDimShady

cool, I would die for her

⇧ 14k ⇩    💬    ⇨   

Sparklinger_372

NTA. I fell in love with my colleague fifteen years ago, we're married with two kids now. Mind you, we both stacked shelves at Waitrose, and neither of us were getting shot at.

People have been meeting their partners at work for as long as humans have existed, it's just unfortunate that your job doesn't allow for it.

⇧ 19.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

kalamit33

I genuinely can’t believe I saw the other POV first, this never happens to me

⇧ 13.8k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

DuckDuckMoose_01

someone needs to call Netflix asap

⇧ 11k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

glyclycier

fuck Netflix, this is prime HBO beef

⇧ 9k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

what?

⇧ 15.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

DuckDuckMoose_01

nobody tell him

⇧ 19k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

NervousNancy99

NTA, if my boss can shag the comms deputy in the communal(!) break room then I think you should be able to ask your lovely sergeant out for a drink.

⇧ 17.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

buffalowilliam

um, HR??

⇧ 10k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

pedropascalsbackhair

remember ladies, if he’s not writing pages-long essays on reddit about his undying love for you then he’s not the one

⇧ 16k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

throwaway_726353

if this is a fake story it's a pretty good one, I'm invested

⇧ 8.4k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

jennyofftheclock

oh this is not fake, trust me

⇧ 15.1k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

 

+ 2929 more replies

Chapter Text

r/relationship_advice

^{u/notsas95 • 1h}

in love with my commanding officer?? what do i do

UPDATE:

since you internet randos keep clamouring for updates, I figured I might as well give you a rundown of some of the shit that happened since my last (first?) cry for help. im a touch drunk again (im not actually an alkie) but it'll be relevant in a bit I swear.

so I posted that, and it blew up a bit, and then I swear to god things were different. like I'm almost sure my LT doesn't know what reddit is and there's absolutely no chance he read what I wrote, but shit got weird fast. but not bad weird. i don't think.

off the top of my head, here are a few things that happened in the last month or so:

he got hurt :( but not too bad. scared me shitless for a second, mind, but he’s got an annoying habit of pretending like he’s not injured, so I tend to overreact a bit. ended up being a second degree burn, shrapnel, just the usual stuff.

BUT it was on his back, kind of by his neck, right, and he couldn't reach it himself w/out stretching his arms up which probably hurt him to do, and then he showed up at my door one evening with a roll of dressings and asked if I could change them for him. and obviously I said yes.

should clarify that this isn't the first time I've helped patch him up, but like. that was always first aid shoving bandages in an open wound-type of shit, & this was different. sort of intimate. he just tugged his shirt off right there in my room and I was like ... take me?? (I didn't say that. I tried beaming the thought into his brain like spock but it didn't work).

so I took the dressing and sat him on my bed and did my best (I don't know what he's got against actual medics, we do have those) and tried really really hard not to cop a feel at the same time. (he's covered from head to toe 24/7 and I never get to see him like that, sue me. I'm not a good person. but his shoulders, holy fucking shit, Im only human.) and then i felt bad because he was clearly uncomfortable with me touching his skin, he kept twitching so I kept it quick. but all in all, that was new.

(it was nice. i felt like we'd been doing stuff so quickly lately & when it gets like that for us you're kind of in survival mode, no time to stop for a chat, you know? but getting to slow down like that, when it's quiet, and it's just us, I dunno. reminded me why I like him so much. I used to be so impatient for shit to start happening, but when he's here the quiet moments don't feel empty anymore. I think I could probably get used to silence if he was there too.)

so that was the first thing, & it was a new level of trust for us. (I know he doesn't trust easily, he's always been honest about that, but I like to think I'm a bit special. I'd swallow a bullet before I ruined that.)

the second thing I'll probably be thinking about til the day I die. (so not for very long, lol.)

we were in a safehouse again. can i be saying all this? idk. a safehouse in an undetermined location at a nonspecific time. they're not usually shacks like you see in films n that, but they're not comfy by any means. youre not supposed to be in them for long, they're just pit stops when you're in the BOB. it was just the two of us (again not unusual) and only until the next morning.

there was a bed and this shitty pull-out sofa, so we did what we always do and shared the bed. we didn't even talk about it, we just decided. we don't have to talk about a lot out there tbf. I can usually already tell what he's thinking.

we ate and got undressed and then got in quietly, and it was freezing, but like i said he's like a space heater. so we fell asleep back-to-back and that was that.

in the morning I woke up because i needed a piss, but there was no way on god's earth that I was moving.

cause somehow in the night we'd both rolled over and he'd ended up pretty much in my lap. he was flat against my front like I was a mattress, his head on my stomach, arms around my waist like cuddling a teddy bear. and I'm a big guy, right, but he's got a good three inches + 20 pounds on me, I'm not sure i could've moved if I wanted to. and I didn't want to.

the thing I've learned w him is he's like a cat. bit skittish. if you're patient and prove you're trustworthy they'll come to you, right? & then you just stay really still. so I stayed really still. (& then I petted him a bit, but in my defence he looked like he needed it, so.)

he looks a bit like an angel when he's not in all the gear. all sort of soft and pale. even his eyelashes are blond, I had nothing to do but lie there tryin to count them. his hair goes fluffy when he takes the mask off, it’s very soft. I know he's not that into me touching him or whatever but I figured if he was already asleep on me then he wouldn't mind too much. I mean, we’re already friends.

eventually he woke up and we just... didn't mention it. we got dressed again and then got picked up.

& it's literally all I've thought about ever since. that he let me see him like that. and for some reason I feel like I won olympic gold or the lottery or something. I know that he knows that I could've put a knife in his throat or strangled him, and he did it anyway. I put my hands on him and he didn’t kill me and it was like fucking fireworks going off, I don’t know how else to describe it.

I love him so fucking much that it makes me stupid. I really can’t afford to be stupid, it’ll get me killed. god, I love him anyway.

and sometimes I think he just needs taking care of, yknow? nobody else does. I wish everyone else wouldn’t be so rude to him, he’s not actually scary. he smells like pine trees, sort of like eucalyptus. how the fuck is that scary. and I think he’d be a good kisser. I mean his lips were really soft against my chest but he didn’t really consent to that part so I’m trying not to think about it. but it’s becoming a bit of a pink elephant sitch. (I keep daydreaming about ways to get him to fall asleep on me again, but besides kidnapping and maybe drugging him, I’ve got nothing.)

(tell u what tho it’s a fucking good thing I needed a piss that morning cause otherwise I’d have been in Serious Trouble. “is that a gun in your pocket” no it’s my dick in your face, sorry about that sir. I’d have walked in front of the next sniper on purpose. stick that in a mission report, old man, I dare you.)

anyways yeah we didn't talk about it so I went out and got pissed alone instead, and now here we all are. see, I said it'd make sense.

(I don't know what this^ is anymore. idk if I even want advice, this is basically me ranting into the void cause I can't tell anyone else. be nice to me. if you're still here then just keep scrolling or something.)

⇧ 13k  ⇩    💬 1,324

idaho_tomato

“my LT” heavy sighs all round

⇧ 17k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

no_its_becky

I know you said you don’t really want advice, but my advice is this: please tell him, for the love of everything. life’s too short. you’ll lose him otherwise.

⇧ 16.8k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

I don’t even know how atp. I’m just so tired of keeping all this to myself. it's like I'm fraying at the edges, I want him so fucking badly but I just can't

⇧ 16.5k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

brokkeoli

thisis too real op, im also drunk rn. fell in love w a girl who wont even look at me, idk what to do

⇧ 16.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

that sucks man, I’m sorry

⇧ 11k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

pepsib0ttle-c0cac0laglass

can we help any?

⇧ 8.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

brokkeoli

idk were both in school and I sit behind her in chemistry and I think her hair is really pretty but I said hi to her once and she ignored me :/

⇧ 6.3k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

snapple_phone

maybe she didn’t hear you? you should try again! maybe she thinks you’re cute too and she was too nervous to say hi back

⇧ 6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

brokkeoli

I was gonna ask her to prom maybe

⇧ 5.9k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

napalmistry

omg, good luck mate!!

⇧ 7k ⇩    💬

brokkeoli

UPDATE she said yes :))

⇧ 14.3k   

aurizzmwiththetism

“second degree burn, shrapnel” … “the usual stuff”

"I'll probably be thinking about til the day I die. (so not for very long, lol.)"

op PLEASE try yoga or pottery throwing or something instead, I beg. there’s gotta be better ways of getting your kicks than torching yourself, or whatever else it is y’all do for a living

⇧ 16.1k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

bombs are a kind of craft, when you think about it

⇧ 15.9k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

aurizzmwiththetism

OP NO

⇧ 16.4k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

LanaDelHeyyyy

he didn’t go to the medics because he wanted you to feel him up, I fear this is common sense??

⇧ 16k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

boxes_of_beanz

are you new here?

⇧ 16.3k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

l3sbe-honest

My wife sleeps on me like that, it’s my favourite thing in the whole world. Sometimes I set two alarms so I can wake up early and just sit and look at her. She’s got dark hair and it’s always a mess, it goes all over my chest and gets in my mouth and it smells like strawberries. The bed gets cold without her in it.

(I always think you know you've found the one when silence is easy. If you can sit and say nothing at all but not feel lonely. It sounds like you've got something really special there.)

⇧ 16.1k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

crispysaladcrouton

im (going to jump) happy for you :,)

⇧ 15.8k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

OkAsshoLe_32

omg black cat boyf x golden retriever boyf, it all makes sense now

⇧ 15.4k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

wdym?

⇧ 15.3k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

boxes_of_beanz

you’re the dog, buddy

⇧ 15.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

by_the_Way69

OP what are his shoulders like, please describe. I need inspo for my smut

⇧ 15.1k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

picture a lumberjack on steroids with a shitty sleeve tatt

⇧ 15.5k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

by_the_Way69

excellent, thank you

⇧ 13.7k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

ladyelevat0r

TAKE ME ,,OP IM CRYING

(you should’ve said it. or maybe the part about your dick being in his face. he might've enjoyed that, you never know.)

⇧ 15k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

jennyofftheclock

imagine if he’d said it :) and lieutenant mr darcy had done something about it :)) and then this’d all be over with

⇧ 15.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

boxes_of_beanz

no way. I need this

⇧ 14.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

hidden_arrears

okay but did you ask him if he was uncomfortable when you touched him?

⇧ 13.4k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

well no, but it was kind of obvious. he literally jolted where he was sitting, I felt really bad

⇧ 13.5k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

hidden_arrears

but then why would he come to YOU for his dressings

⇧ 12.8k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

he probably just hates medical, he wouldn’t be the first. plus he trusts me to see him like that. doesn’t mean he wants me touching him in that way tho

⇧ 13k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

hidden_arrears

I’m going to kill myself

⇧ 14.9k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

maybe don’t?

⇧ 14.7k ⇩    💬

throwawayacc0untt_dhbsyf

what makes you think he hasn’t got reddit, OP? /gen

⇧ 13.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

he asked me what rizz meant the other day & I figured that was not the marker of a man who has a reddit account

⇧ 13k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

DuckDuckMoose_01

nobody ruin this for us

⇧ 14.4k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

ruin what

⇧ 14.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

insomniachead

bro, you look so beautiful in this light, bro. your eyelashes are like spun gold. I cherish you, man.

⇧ 14.3k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

fuck off, I don't sound like that

⇧ 13.1k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

ch33s3-on-wheels

you do a bit, to be fair

⇧ 13.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

redMatter

Spock’s telepathy doesn’t work like that. He’s only half-Vulcan, he can create a mind-meld through physical touch.

⇧ 8.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

Light_of_Z3t4r

isn’t that fanon? I don’t remember it ever being explicitly confirmed that he only had telepathy through touch

⇧ 11.7k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

NFC-Brock

I’ll physically touch you, nerd. go outside.

⇧ 12k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

OvenTime

kinky

⇧ 14.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

jennyofftheclock

I think I could probably get used to silence if he was there too

@red_mouth_sapph

⇧ 14.1k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

red_mouth_sapph

AHHHHHHWCJKIDFKPH

⇧ 9k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

red_mouth_sapph

adding this quote to my manifestation board rn 🙏

⇧ 9.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

KellyG81

BOB?

⇧ 6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

back of beyond

⇧ 8.5k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

chvzhyya

you weren’t in Lithuania, were you? our local news station said there’d been some trouble near Antanai

⇧ 12.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

notsas95 • OP

never been there in my life. I don’t even know where that is.

⇧ 13k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

chvzhyya

mmkay 👀

⇧ 13.6k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

+ 1373 more replies

Chapter Text

r/AmITheAsshole

^{u/user75w439rhs9_7 • 2h}

AITA for falling in love with a subordinate?

UPDATE:

I decided after the feedback on my last post that I was going to cross the Rubicon and just tell him, and then figure out the rest from there. I've since done everything but.

When I say I'm the best in the business it's not an exaggeration. There's a reason I worked alone for so long. Nobody can do what I can do.

And I can do basically anything. Except, apparently, tell my best friend that I'm in love with him. It's three fucking words, if that. It shouldn't be this fucking difficult.

All I've managed to do so far is keep accosting him and wasting his time. I got myself in a scrape and went to him with the bandages (in my defence, I couldn't see it in the mirror) and made him play nursemaid. It was basically just a ploy to get close to him, and then I had every intention of saying something.

I was initially going to go for something subtle, like hey mate, I know I'm your superior officer, and I've never really told you to your face that I even like you as a person, but would you want to maybe go for a drink sometime? Specifically not as mates?

Except I failed to calculate for the fact that his fingers grazed my skin and every single thought left my head. So there's that.

(I really should keep my shirt on while trying to talk about important shit. Lessons were learnt.)

After that I started going around without my gloves on, semi-hoping it would happen again. I don't think he realises he's doing it, the brushing/grabbing/slapping on the back-type stuff. Feels like getting electrocuted, if you could get addicted to electrocuting yourself. Can you? I bet someone has. Anyway I will say that when nobody touches you in a long time, you notice it when it happens.

So there I was acting shifty instead of saying anything out loud, trying really hard to look like I wasn't trying at all. CO asked me if "everything was alright at home" (inside joke) and I know he didn't believe me when I lied.

And then I made it infinitely worse. It was genuinely an accident.

We were sharing a bed again (safehouse stuff, it's not uncommon). Generally I'd take watch but there was no immediate danger, and we were both exhausted, and honestly I'd trusted him enough to fall asleep around him on several occasions before. So we went to sleep.

I really thought I was dreaming. Someone's hands were in my hair, sort of stroking, like when you're a kid in your mum's bed. I've not had that for maybe 25 years (my mum passed away a long time ago). And it was nice. I don't usually get dreams like that, about being safe, or being touched with any sort of kindness.

(Mostly people put their hands on me to try and hurt me. I think I must've gotten used to it at some point. But I knew I was safe that morning, even in my sleep, like something in me could sense that they meant no harm. I'm trying not to read into it too much.)

And then I woke up and realised I'd actually been using the sergeant as a fucking body pillow the whole time, and that I hadn't really been dreaming at all. He was just lying there awake. He probably couldn't even get out of bed because I weigh 200lbs on a normal day. It was genuinely mortifying, I can't believe I have to type this shit out. Who the hell does that?

After we got up I absolutely booked it. Couldn't look him in the eye all day. I can usually talk a good talk, but I ended up keeping my mouth shut for fear I'd blurt out something like that was nice. I felt like such a pillock.

The absolute worst part of all of it, worse than the humiliation of non-consensually cuddling someone in your sleep, is that I haven't had a good night since. I've been like an insomniac on Red Bull. Just lying awake staring at the ceiling until I can hear the birds. And it makes no logical sense, I can sleep anywhere. Jungles, forest floors, sleeping bag optional. But not in my own fucking bed anymore. We even get sheets, so there’s no excuse.

I refuse to be on any sort of pills so I'm not going to the docs, but a quick fix would be nice. There's only so much camomile tea a man can drink. When I do end up asleep, it just feels empty. No nightmares or dreams at all, I wake up feeling like I've only just closed my eyes. If I trip up on the job it's other people's lives on the line. I really can't afford to go on like this.

So yeah, if I wasn't the arsehole before I think I probably am now. I just keep using him for my own gratification and I still haven’t been able to fucking talk about it. He's gonna think I've gone mad.

What do I do? Do I try and ask him for a drink again? Do I give up? I’m one more bad night from doing something else I’ll regret.

(Delete this if you want, mods. I don’t really care.)

⇧ 12.5k  ⇩    💬 1,021

Judgement_Bot_AITA • MOD

@OP mod here: we're venturing away from the AITA theme of the subreddit, however we will let it slide just this once. because we're invested. do let us know when you get your shit together.

red_mouth_sapph

⇧ 16.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

jennyofftheclock

real

⇧ 10k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

kalamit33

OP I really really think you should read into it. like, a lot. like when they make you do shakespeare at school.

⇧ 15.7k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

eat_pray_fcuk

maybe the curtains really were just blue

⇧ 8k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

kalamit33

don't start

⇧ 9.2k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

therealDimShady

OP PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP, ILL CRY

⇧ 15.3k ⇩    💬    ⇨   •••

sevenshelves

you deserve to be happy!!

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

Debatable

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Mister_W0rldw1d3

"even get sheets" guys does anyone know if there's a gofundme or a charity for getting soldiers better accomm, bc WHAT

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yank-in-yorkshire

you aren't supposed to be having a good time in the military, it's supposed to be character building

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bappyhirthday04

does OP seem like his character is built to u?? he's a hot mess. let the man have a blanket

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SophieJonesJelly

!! I could send a weighted one, that might help you sleep OP

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I'll look into it

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dis_establishmentarianism

you're fucking adorable, man

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I'm 34. I shoot people for a living.

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dis_establishmentarianism

so? I work in an office, I'm killing myself for a living. join the club

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jennyofftheclock

OP, we're about to do some roleplay. you're you, he's him. stay with me:

you: hello

him: hi

you: can I talk to you about something?

him: sure

you: I just wanted to say that I really like you and I was wondering if you wanted to go for a drink sometime. no pressure either way.

him: yes I would like that

you: great, how about saturday?

him: see you then, gorgeous. can't wait to have steamy wild sex with you

[end scene]

for the love of god don't mention the electrocuting or the camomile tea or anything else. just this^. hope this helps x

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hidden_arrears

I can't believe it's come to this

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boxes_of_beanz

I can. dumbos no.1 & 2 over here

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c0dfishh

something you'll regret, huh? like what?

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I really don't know. getting myself sacked. walking off a cliff. kissing his stupid smug face at breakfast.

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sanarakarmaa

well you should definitely do one of those things

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

We're pretty close to some cliffs right now, actually

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sanarakarmaa

please,, I can't have this on my conscience

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_kaboodles_

"never told you to your face that I like you as a person" I think he knows, mate

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

How do you know?

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idaho_tomato

trust us

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DuckDuckMoose_01

has anyone started a lore sheet on these two losers yet lmao

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St-Sebby96

what does that mean /gen

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DuckDuckMoose_01

shit we know about them, like backstory

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

When I was fourteen my dad almost killed me, you can add that.

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fatsamsgrandslam

what like by accident???

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

No.

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by_the_Way69

"I really should keep my shirt on while trying to talk about important shit"

hey OP do you actually look like a lumberjack on steroids with a shitty sleeve tatt

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I suppose I am pretty wide, yeah. But I wouldn't do steroids and my sleeve isn't "shitty". Why d'you ask?

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KingJettster_

(ex-marine here, out of interest is it a load of guns and skulls and explosions etc?)

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

It's not shitty.

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by_the_Way69

clockeddd

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messinwithjess

sorry about your mum OP :((

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

Thanks. I don't talk about her a lot.

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messinwithjess

what was she like? (you don't have to answer)

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

She did her best. I miss her.

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BITMAEK8

OP I don't know if you're familiar with the sciences but I think you need more tests to confirm your hypothesis. you need to fall asleep on him again. maybe try falling asleep on someone else as a control variable. if you achieve the same result, you'll know what it was.

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

Absolutely not, I can't risk that happening again. I don't even have anyone else I could try it with, it'd be weird.

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uwu_jenkins3

Didn't you say you trusted your CO?

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

To save my life, yeah. To not kick me awake? Remains to be seen.

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theycallmeMrCheese

okay yeah who the hell does that but also I had a friend in college who genuinely couldn't sleep unless he was linking pinkies with his roommate. like we tried unhooking them at night and he'd wake up every single time, nyquil, alcohol, you name it, it was like he could sense it. they had to push their beds together and everything. luckily his roommate didn't mind.

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FairlyDogParent32

do you guys still talk? maybe he has some tips

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theycallmeMrCheese

yeah I was their best man

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alfafafa

was your step-uncle the DJ

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EnchantingEditor_45

oh, OP :(( jokes aside, we’re really rooting for you here, I hope you know that. worst comes to worst and he doesn’t feel the same way, it sounds like you’ve got a really solid friend in your colleague. those are hard to come by as an adult, hold onto that.

it sounds to me like you’re suffering a little from touch starvation, and dating or no – you should hug him more. I know it probably feels a bit strange and/or panic-inducing, but friends hug each other without strings all the time. even repressed old guys. I think it’ll be good for you, and it’ll probably help you push past some of the overthinking you’ve got going on. try starting with a hello/goodbye hug, maybe?

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

He usually hugs me goodbye, though they never last very long. I honestly don’t think he’s the type to let the macho shit get in his way. But I always look forward to those.

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EnchantingEditor_45

try initiating next time! maybe you could gauge his feelings from that

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boxes_of_beanz

oho... they've been gauged alright. DM'd you

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hop-Scotchhh

is this guy doing a Winter Soldier bit? I can't tell

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b4rnesr0gers

was just thinking that :( James Buchanan Barnes, is that you

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hypotherMia

I can already see the mostly people put their hands on me to try and hurt me edits

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buckysleftarm

if y'all fucking add radiohead to those again I'm out

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user75w439rhs9_7 • OP

I like Radiohead

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buckysleftarm

yeah man, we know

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+ 962 more replies