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Ambrose is dead. Ambrose just died. I watched Ambrose die. My mind runs in circles. I don’t want to believe it. We knew the ship wasn’t trustworthy, but I didn’t think…
The ship has gone on without me. I don’t understand what it’s doing. Did Dimokratía know it would do this? I have a hard time believing they didn’t. They must have been in on something with the Fédération. It’s weird to think of them teaming up for anything. I should have known it was off when they first announced this project.
All my life, everything I have ever done has been for my country. I fought so hard for this. I was the best. They chose me. I thought I was good enough for… something. I don’t know what. I have never believed in a life where I could be anything other than their soldier. Maybe I thought this was my chance.
I’m in shock, but I can feel the panic slowly start to set in.
I’m drifting slowly, losing all sense of direction. My only tether is Ambrose, but he’s getting further and further away as time goes on.
I’m going to die out here. I have hours left to live. It’s too short. It’s too long.
My hand drags over the helmet’s locking mechanism at my neck.
I catch sight of Ambrose again and I shut my eyes. It’s too painful. I know I’m going to join him soon.
It was nice with him. I wish I had made sure he knew how much his affection meant to me. I don’t think anyone has ever genuinely cared about me before. I wish I had let myself enjoy it more. I have never let myself indulge in anything. If I could do it again, knowing what I know now, I’d take whatever he’d let me have.
More meals together, completing tasks together, watching those old reels he likes. Liked, I correct myself.
I’d sleep on the floor in his room just to always be near.
I shiver. It’s not cold my suit, but I can’t help it.
Space is so empty. They tell you that, but you can never really grasp it until you’re in it, waiting to die.
It’s so dark, sometimes I think my eyes are closed.
Time is strange. Minutes stretch on forever. An hour passes in the blink of an eye.
It catches up to me all at once. I let myself cry because there’s no one left to see. Maybe I’ll drown before the oxygen runs out.
Could Ambrose have lived if he didn’t try to save me? I doubt it. OS would find a way to get rid of him eventually, but it’s easier if I believe he had a chance. It’s easier if I believe he died for something. The way I’m not going to. I always thought I would.
A warning goes off inside my space suit. The oxygen has finally run out. I’m still not ready for it.
I make a choking noise. My body is still fighting to live, even though I know it’s useless.
I wrap my arms around myself and squeeze with what little strength I have left. I always wanted to die being held.
Darkness tugs the edges of my vision.
Dimokratía has plans that are bigger than me.
Perhaps this is all I am. All I was meant to be. One of their soldiers, doomed to die at their whim like all the others.
I’m so afraid. I don’t want to be alone.
I can’t see Ambrose anymore.
I wish I could have shared death with him.