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Sonic had a difficult time sleeping now. Each time he closed his eyes, body exhausted from the day’s activities, he was there. Red eyes filled with regret, a deep sadness not even the sun’s rays could erase as they illuminated his skin, whiting him out until Sonic couldn’t see him anymore. Surrounded by heat and the fear of losing him, Sonic gasped, waking himself up.
He stared at the ceiling, chest heaving as he came down from the nightmare. Once he caught his breath, he sat up and looked out the window. The night sky was filled with stars and the partially destroyed moon, reminders of what he had lost a month prior.
“Where are you?” He asked the sky, voice barely a whisper. He dug out the golden ring from under his pillow, rubbing his thumb over it again and again. From under a pile of books on his nightstand he pulled out the old photo of Shadow and Maria. He had taken it in hopes of returning it to Shadow once they had become friends, but that hadn’t gone to plan.
He wasn’t a stranger to grief, he knew it well, but this felt different than how he felt after losing Longclaw and almost losing Tom. It was a different ache that made him cry as he did his perimeter run of Green Hills, that made him feel like part of himself was missing, a part he barely knew. It was unsettling, the emptiness. He hadn’t even known Shadow existed and then in a whirlwind, he was gone again. He put his hands to his face, rubbing his eyes, then looked up at the sky.
When Shadow smiled at him and clasped their hands together, radiance coursing through their shared chaos power, Sonic felt like he was witnessing something ethereal. Something that he couldn’t experience with anyone else. No one could match him, become golden and godly, and dance through space with him. To see Shadow’s smirk, his confidence, his drive that illuminated him from the inside out, was memorizing. A meteor shower, a shooting star racing across the sky that had Sonic wishing for more .
More time than just that moment on the moon, that had been too fleeting, with no way for Sonic to properly understand how he was feeling until Shadow was pushing him away. More chances to show Shadow all the things Sonic loved, the baseball field, Keanu Reeves movies, their favorite place to camp, the ice cream parlor, he and his brothers’ bedroom where surely they could fit one more bed.
There was so much more for Shadow to see, to experience, but Sonic had been too weak, and Shadow had been too sacrificing.
Maybe if he hadn’t teamed up with G.U.N. on the jump, if he had found Shadow in the lab and was able to approach him on more friendly terms. They could’ve been friends, he could’ve brought him home, things would be so different. He would have his twin, his Shadow.
He gave himself a few minutes to stare at the photo and ring before he hid them away, and attempted to sleep again. It wasn’t the most restful, but he managed to get a few hours, just like every other night since everything happened.
His days blurred together, a basic outline with only a few minor changes. He’d force himself to get up, to help Maddie and Tom with breakfast, then find something to do for the day. He’d help Tom at work, or help out Maddie if she had a need for him at the clinic. He even spent the day with Rachel, helping her with whatever she needed. He’d spar with Knuckles until he could barely stand, he’d hold the flashlight for Tails or test out his inventions even if they shocked him. He did it all with a smile or a laugh, trying to push away the incident from his mind.
Then he would go for a run to get away from everyone and cry. He had been sad before, it never stuck around too long, but this wouldn’t leave him. It was settling in his bones, becoming a part of him. All he wanted to do was lay in bed, but he couldn’t do that. Someone had to keep the planet safe. It was what Maria and Shadow would want.
As Tails and Knuckles awoke, Sonic did as well, greeting them with a bright and cheery ‘good morning’ and raced them downstairs for breakfast. They took up Maddie and Tom’s attention, allowing Sonic a brief moment to let his face relax, muscles tense with the forced smiles.
“Want to come with me to work?” Tom asked, giving Sonic another pancake. Sonic wasn’t hungry, but it would be odd if he turned down another one of Maddie’s blueberry pancakes so he stuck his fork into it, lifting the whole thing to his mouth and taking a big bite with a smile.
“Yeah, sure!” He exclaimed as he swallowed his food, getting a smile from Tom. With that settled, Sonic was able to fade into the background at breakfast, letting Tails take over the conversation about his latest gadget. He piped in every once in a while, trying to be present for the conversation.
“I told Wade we needed to do more patrols, but I was hoping he’d volunteer for it,” Tom said as he and Sonic walked down the sidewalk in town. Tom would wave and stop to chat often, which normally was one of Sonic’s favorite things, but he didn’t have the energy for it. He tried, just like everything else lately, but it didn’t feel right.“I guess I need the exercise.”
“You had plenty of time to rest,” Sonic teased, but even that felt wrong and hollow. Tom eyed him, like he knew.
“Why don’t we head to the park?” Tom suggested but he was already walking that way. Sonic followed, not liking the feeling stirring up in his stomach. Tom had that walk about him, the ‘dad’ walk that he did whenever he was able to sit one of them down and make them talk about their feelings. Sure enough, he took a seat on the first bench he saw, towards an empty corner of the park, and patted the spot next to him. Sonic climbed up and stared at his hands, bracing himself. “Hey, buddy, so what’s going on?” When he didn’t answer, Tom sighed and leaned forward. “Anything to do with the photo you have stashed under your books on your nightstand?”
Sonic took a sharp intake of breath, face getting hot.
“I was cleaning up your room and knocked the books over. Promise, no snooping!” Tom smiled, and Sonic wanted to be mad, but he believed him. Tom and Maddie never invaded their privacy on purpose. They went quiet again, Sonic unsure how to continue.
“It’s different than when I lost Longclaw, and when I almost lost you,” Sonic mumbled, rubbing his hands together anxiously. “Shadow…” he closed his eyes, letting out a sigh.
When he mentioned Shadow to Maddie a week after everything, she had frozen, a look of pain crossing her features before she softened her expression and offered Sonic a small smile. Tails and Knuckles hadn’t mentioned the ebony hedgehog in weeks, and Tom seemed to be going with the lie he told the town, an out of town biking accident when they were in London. It was like no one wanted to bring up the incident to Sonic, as if Shadow never existed.
But he did. He had existed and changed everything for Sonic.
“I just,” Sonic didn’t know how to describe it, how desperately lost he felt. How heavy the grief was to navigate. “No one talked about him, and I just…thought I should be over it by now.”
“I could tell something had been bothering you, but, I guess I wanted to give you time to sort it out. I’m sorry if we made you feel like you couldn’t talk about it with us,” Tom put his hand on Sonic’s back, soft, gentle. “I think this might be something that will take you more time to heal from. You might…you might never fully heal.”
“But…” Sonic mumbled, not understanding.
“The feelings you had for Longclaw and me are different from the feelings you have for Shadow, right? Does it feel different?” Tom asked, getting a head nod from Sonic. “Yeah, heartbreak...it does a number on you. The situation doesn’t help at all, all those what-if’s floating around.”
Sonic looked up at Tom, eyes widening at what he was implying. If it was heartbreak that Tom thought he was suffering from, then he supposed it could’ve been love.
If they had that chance.
“I don’t wanna get out of bed half the time. Everytime I run, I cry, and if I don’t have anything to do, I cry some more,” Sonic admitted, feeling Tom’s hand begin to rub his back, encouraging him to talk even though it was painful. “If I had been stronger, he wouldn’t have had to push me away.”
“It’s not healthy to think that way, bud,” Tom said and Sonic knew he was right, but it was hard not to believe that. “Shadow wanted to correct his mistake, and he didn’t want you to have to sacrifice yourself for it. He wanted you to live.”
“B-But we could’ve both lived,” Sonic said, bursting into tears when Tom pulled him in for a hug. He clung onto him, burying his face against his chest. “I’m so mad at him for doing it, I-I wanted more time with him. He was like me.”
Tom hummed, keeping his tight hold on Sonic as his shirt was soaked.
“I keep telling myself I have to keep moving, to keep this planet safe, for him and Maria, but I’m just so sad.”
“You’re allowed to grieve for as long as you need, buddy. You can be sad, you can cry with us,” Tom said, pulling Sonic away so he could meet his eyes. Sonic sniffed, rubbing his nose as he attempted to stop crying. “This grief never goes away. Out of the blue one day you’ll find yourself crying for him, and that is okay. It sucks, a lot, but that’s the risk you take by opening up your heart.” He hugged Sonic again. They stayed like that for a while until Sonic finally calmed himself enough that he stopped crying.
“So, what do I do now?”
“I think you probably need an ice cream binge night with Maddie, and lots of those tissues with the lotion in them so you don’t rub your nose raw, because all the movies she’ll make you watch will make you cry. You’ll feel much better after that,” Tom said, trying to lighten the tone of the situation.
Sonic appreciated it. He felt gross and snotty, but his shoulders didn’t feel as tense.
“Am…am I crazy for thinking he’s still out there?” Sonic asked, looking up at the sky. He just couldn’t let himself believe that it was all over, just like that. Shadow was too great, too powerful, to leave like that. To leave Sonic stranded with all of these emotions.
“No,” Tom patted his head, smiling at him. Sonic batted his hand away with a small smile, then fixed his quills the best he could. “You are crazy, but not for that. Just don’t spend too much time looking up, I would hate for you to miss out on what's in front of you.”
Sonic looked back at Tom and smiled, finally feeling better now. He would learn to live with this grief, and all of this love he had in his heart wouldn’t go to waste, especially if Shadow was out there.