Chapter Text
Remus actually tripped when he spotted the large black dog sifting through the trash. He could recognize Padfoot anywhere.
His first feelings were those of relief; Sirius was safe. Here was proof he had gotten away. But relief was followed almost immediately by frustration, fear, and anger. What was Sirius thinking, coming to Little Whinging of all places? It had barely been a week since he had returned from Hogwarts. He hadn’t expected to see Sirius so soon, and this was definitely not the place he expected.
“Padfoot,” Remus hissed, stepping into the alleyway. The large dog jumped and looked up from the trash he was trying to eat, and Remus’ heart panged. Padfoot was so skinny, so dirty. But still, his ears pricked up and his tail began to wag as soon as he saw Remus. He gave a bark, and bounded over.
“Padfoot, what the hell are you doing here?” Remus hissed again, but he dropped down to a knee regardless to wrap his arms around the massive dog. He… had missed this. Missed him. Padfoot whined loudly, and the dog’s grey eyes sparkled with tears.
“You shouldn’t be out in the open like this. Come with me, now,” Remus ordered, and he stood to walk again. Padfoot stayed dutifully by his side, looking up at him with hopeful eyes. Remus’ heart hurt so much. He shouldn’t bring Sirius back to his apartment. True, no one knew exactly where he lived, but it was still risky.
Remus unlocked the door to his flat quickly and ushered Padfoot inside. As soon as the door was closed, the dog was gone, and then a man was pummeling into Remus’ arms instead.
“I missed you. I missed you,” Sirius was crying.
“Sirius,” Remus breathed deeply. His knees buckled, and he fell to the ground with Sirius basically on his lap. Together they sat and cried.
Twelve years. Twelve years without his Padfoot, his Starlight. He didn’t quite fit in his arms anymore. Far too small and bony. Oh, Remus hated Azkaban for wasting Sirius away to this. He hated Dumbledore for not helping him. And he hated himself for not doing more either, for believing all of this time that Sirius had been capable of betraying James.
The crying seemed to last for hours. By the time he could breathe again, Remus felt parched from how much he had cried.
“You’re so thin, Sirius,” he whispered, running a hand gently over the knobs of Sirius’ spine.
“Hard to get food,” Sirius whispered back.
“Let’s get you something to eat.” Remus helped Sirius stand. He walked him over to his small table. His silver eyes stared up hopefully from the sunken caverns of his eye sockets.
There was so much to be said between them, but Remus couldn’t find the words. Instead he focused on the task of making food. Something simple. He didn’t know what Sirius had been eating, but whatever it was, it hadn’t been a lot. He needed to take things slow.
He ended up heating up a can of soup and toasting a piece of bread. It didn’t take very long, and he felt Sirius’ eyes on him the entire time. As soon as he set the food down in front of the man, he practically attacked it. He was so skeletally thin, his cheeks sunk in and his eyes hooded. He was covered in filth and grime, and his hair fell to his waist in matted locks. His grey eyes, once bright with mischievousness and delight, had been dulled to a lackluster, muddy color. Azkaban had destroyed Sirius Black.
“Slow down. You’ll throw it all back up,” Remus said softly.
“Can’t help… so good…” Sirius groaned, camping down on the toast.
“Just… eat slower. You don’t want to go throwing it all back up.”
“I won’t.”
Sirius finished eating quickly, and Remus took the dishes from him. He could tell the other man was looking around his flat curiously as he washed the dishes, taking in every detail he could.
“Could we… go see Harry? Maybe?” Sirius wondered.
“Sirius, you can’t be seen outside right now. It’s too dangerous,” Remus said firmly.
“I’ll go as Padfoot! It’ll be fine!”
“No. It’s too dangerous.”
“Please!” Sirius had tears in his eyes. “I-I missed so much I… I just want to… Please…”
Every moment with Sirius was heartbreak, it seemed. Remus could feel himself giving in. Twelve years of suffering, and all he wanted to do was see his godson. Who was Remus to deny that?
“Very well. But you can’t be seen like a mangy mutt. That would be too suspicious,” Remus said. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
“Cleaned… up?” Sirius gasped hopefully.
“I’ll draw a bath,” Remus said, and he grabbed Sirius’ frail wrist and tugged him over to his closet. “Here. Choose yourself something to wear. It will all be big on you, but anything is better than these rags. I’ll get some clothes that fit you later today.”
“Anything?” Sirius asked, eyes going wide at the sight of Remus’ meager clothing selection.
“Anything.” Remus left Sirius at the closet, then retreated to the bathroom. All he had was a shower, but it only took simple transfiguration to change it into a bathtub instead. He began to fill it with water, testing it constantly to make sure it wasn’t too hot. He added some bubblebath that he had never gotten rid of from the time Harry was smaller, and pulled out a fresh towel and washcloth.
Sirius entered the bathroom timidly, holding a pair of old jeans and one of Remus’ smaller sweaters.
“There’s a fresh towel and soap here for you. Take all the time you need,” Remus said. Sirius nodded, looking at the warm water with both longing and trepidation. Remus left him, quietly closing the bathroom door behind him.
It hadn’t been long after the full moon at the end of June, so his hearing was still extremely heightened, which meant Remus could hear it when Sirius broke into near silent sobs as he climbed into the water. Remus buried his face in his hands to stifle his own tears.
He had never entertained the possibility of seeing Sirius ever again. He had been mourning for years. It was jarring and uncomfortable to suddenly have the man in his home. It made him feel stripped of defenses and raw inside and out.
Sirius took his time bathing, and Remus didn’t blame him. He imagined how good a warm bath would feel after twelve years. Remus shuddered at the thought again. He didn’t know if he could ever forgive anyone, himself included, for those years that Sirius had been locked away.
After an hour had passed, however, Remus grew worried. He could still hear the occasional splash and whimper from inside the bathroom, but Sirius wasn’t coming out.
“Sirius?” he finally called. “Are you okay in there?”
“I… I can’t…” Another whimper.
“May I come in?”
“… Okay…”
Remus pushed open the door. Sirius sat in the tub, his head a sopping mess. He had a hairbrush stuck in his hair. It was obvious he had been trying to comb through the matted mess of his hair.
“I can’t untangle it,” he cried, his eyes red.
“Oh, Sirius,” Remus sighed. He took a deep breath. “May I try?” Sirius paused, then nodded. Remus dragged over a stool and sat next to the tub. He gently took the hairbrush that was stuck in Sirius’ hair and gently began to untangle the hair around it. But it was so matted and dirty still, it was impossible to brush through.
“Starlight…” Remus whispered. “I think it would be best to cut off some of this. It’s… It’s too matted for me to be able to brush.” Sirius was silent. He hated cutting his hair. His mother had always made him, and he spent all year after every summer growing it back out.
“Okay,” he finally murmured. Remus didn’t say anything as he grabbed a pair of scissors. Sirius sat perfectly still as he began to cut. Remus did his best to keep whatever length he could, but the hair was so knotted that the longest he was able to keep it was just above Sirius’ shoulders. Everything else had been unsalvageable. Once he was done cutting, he carefully helped Sirius lean his head back so he could wash the hair. This time, after two shampoos and conditions, the hairbrush glided through the black locks.
“There you go,” Remus said softly. Sirius cautiously raised his hands to his head, and once he felt the smooth but wet strands he began to cry again. Remus quickly wrapped his arms around him, holding him tightly.
Remus looked away when Sirius finally climbed out of the tub, but he did notice that Sirius refused to look at himself in any mirror. It was so different from how Sirius had been at Hogwarts all those years ago, always preening at himself in the mirror. It made Remus feel the horrible homesickness he felt for his teenage years again.
“Now can we go see Harry?” Sirius asked once he had dressed. The clothes completely dwarfed him, and Remus had to perform a quick spell to shrink the clothes a bit.
“You have to stay as Padfoot while we’re outside,” Remus said. Sirius scowled, the expression making his face look even more skeletal.
“I know that. What do you think I’ve been doing for the past year?”
“It’s just… I just got you back. I don’t… I can’t let you get caught again.” They stared at each other. Sirius nodded, and transformed into Padfoot. Remus sighed and grabbed his keys, and let them outside.
He took Padfoot to the park he normally met Harry at. He couldn’t guarantee the boy would be there, but it was nice outside, which meant Harry would try to get outside if he could. Remus sat on his usual bench and pulled out a book. Padfoot laid down at his feet. He still looked too skinny as a dog, but at least his fur was no longer dirty. Every person who passed made Remus tense up and look around. He was paranoid, and he knew it showed, but he couldn’t help it.
Luckily, they didn’t have to wait long at all before Padfoot’s ears pricked up and his tail began to wag.
“Uncle Moony!” Harry called as he ran across the park. Remus smiled and put down his book. As he got closer, Harry’s bright eyes widened almost comically.
“Is that…” he gasped, coming to a stop in front of them. Padfoot barked happily and all but tackled Harry to the ground. Harry began to laugh as Padfoot licked his cheek, and he wrapped his arms as far around the massive dog as he could.
“Padfoot! You’re here!”
“He really shouldn’t be. Too dangerous,” Remus sighed, but he couldn’t help but smile at the scene.
“Let’s go back to your place then! Please?” Harry beamed. Remus rolled his eyes.
“Alright. Come on then.”
Padfoot walked dutifully next to Harry the entire walk home. Harry babbled almost nonstop about the Durselys and about how apparently they were putting Dudley on a diet and how they wanted everyone to go on the diet as well. He also talked about missing quidditch already and something about a World Cup happening later that summer. Padfoot barked along happily. Remus had the thought that he had never heard Harry talk this much in one go, but Sirius was a new and exciting person so it made sense.
Once the door to Remus’ flat had been locked, Sirius transformed back and promptly received an armful of teenager.
“I didn’t think I would see you again for a long time!” Harry exclaimed, tears in his eyes. Sirius held the boy like he was fragile, his eyes wide and disbelieving.
“Hey, Harry. It’s good to see you,” he whispered.
“Where’s Buckbeak?”
“I sent him back to Hogwarts. He’s smart, so I didn’t worry about him finding his way back.”
“Are you staying with Moony?” Harry wondered, and Remus winced.
“I was… figuring something out,” Sirius said carefully, his eyes flickering briefly to Remus before landing back on Harry. “I thought at first I would just pass through, but I wanted to see you again.”
“I’m glad you did! I’ll have to tell Regulus. He’ll be so happy you’re safe!”
“Reggie…” Sirius sucked in a painful breath. “Is he… He’s okay, too?”
“Ya. Draco takes good care of him,” Harry said.
“And he’s really… my brother?”
“He is,” Harry said, his face growing serious. “He has these… episodes, almost, when he remembers things. He loses track of where he is and gets stuck in memories. Usually they’re little things, like the time he told me about you guys changing book covers in the library. But sometimes…
“Sometimes it’s bad. Really bad. In my first year… we were serving detention in the forest together and we saw… we saw Voldemort. It made my scar hurt really bad, but Regulus started screaming and crying and it looked like he was in a lot of pain.”
Remus knew Harry had encountered Voldemort, but he didn’t know Regulus had been there. Sirius’ face fell at the news.
“He told me what he remembered about dying…” Sirius whispered.
“He said he drowned,” Harry said softly. Remus did his best not to react visibly at the horrifying fact.
“He told me that, too.”
“He still doesn’t remember why, but he gets really uncomfortable when I mention Voldemort at all. He also confirmed…” Harry looked at Sirius with big eyes. “He said he was a Death Eater, but that his parents — your parents used a curse on him that forced him to.”
A tear spilled down Sirius’ cheek. “I had always hoped… That sounds bad, I know, but I had always hoped it hadn’t been his choice. It would have been too painful if he had chosen it instead.”
“I can tell you more about Regulus, and Draco, if you want. They’ve become some of my best friends at school! And you probably have so many stories about my dad!” Harry exclaimed. Remus watched Sirius’ face fall even more. It wasn’t noticeable to many, but he was an expert at reading Sirius’ expressions, even after all these years.
“I… Of course. Plenty of them,” Sirius said, the smile no longer reaching his eyes. “But I’m sure Remus has told you most of them. I want to hear about you! What are your friends like? When did you start playing quidditch?”
“How about I leave you two to catch up,” Remus suggested quickly, and he stood up.
“You’re leaving?” Sirius windered.
“I’ve had many years to get to know Harry. You haven’t. He’s your godson and you both deserve to know each other. Besides, someone has to go get dinner for tonight.”
“We’ll be okay!” Harry chirped, and then he began to rattle off to Sirius again. Sirius turned and gave Harry his full attention, and Remus was able to slip out quietly.
After that, Sirius just… stayed. Remus didn’t ask him to move in, but he also didn’t want to kick him out. So, at night he transformed into Padfoot and slept on the floor. During the day, Padfoot was always with Harry. Either at the park where they could run around together as boy and dog, or locked away in Remus’ flat so they could talk as godfather and godson.
It filled Remus with happiness to see Harry connecting with the person who should have been taking care of him from the start, and little by little he was seeing the old Sirius come back to life. But things were different between them. Tense. Strained.
“Why didn’t they tell you they were switching the Secret Keeper?”
Regulus’ words echoed in his mind as he tried to sleep at night. Why hadn’t they told him? Why had he been kept in the dark?
For a week he and Sirius tip-toed around each other. It was weird being together again. Their relationship… It had been extremely strained towards the end of the war. Remus had been gone so much, spying on and recruiting werewolves for Dumbledore. Which of course, he now realized, was exactly why Dumbledore had allowed him into Hogwarts in the first place. Regulus always saw things first. He was quick with riddles and was always five steps ahead of everyone else at least.
Which is why his words bothered Remus so much.
“Harry’s a good kid,” Sirius said as he returned for the night. He had been out with Harry all day, playing in the park.
“He really is. So much like his parents,” Remus smiled.
“So much like Lily,” Sirius mused, rolling up the sleeves of the too-long jumper he wore. “Sure looks like James, but he didn’t have as much feistiness as Lily had, as Harry has.”
“The sass has become more apparent in recent years.”
“I’m sure.” Sirius came up behind Remus as he cooked. Remus flinched away when Sirius’ hand brushed his arm, and Sirius shied away, eyes wide with hurt.
“Sirius… no,” Remus said softly, his heart breaking as he said it.
“But… why?”
“We can’t just go back to the way things were before.”
“Why not?”
“We are different men than we were, and we didn’t really leave off on the best of terms either.”
“I don’t… remember…” Sirius’ face scrunched up.
“I just… I need time, Sirius,” Remus pleaded.
“Why?”
Why indeed? It hit Remus like a train. “Why didn’t they tell you they were switching the Secret Keeper?” Because they had thought he was the spy. Sirius, James, even Lily… They all thought that he had been the spy, and so they changed the Secret Keeper from Sirius to Peter without telling anyone.
That’s why Lily had been so cold with him at Harry’s first birthday party.
That’s why James hadn’t been able to look him in the eye anymore.
That’s why his relationship with Sirius had fallen apart, why they had started fighting, why everything hurt.
They hadn’t trusted Remus.
The sudden realization tore through his chest, leaving him panting for breath and startled by the rage he felt. He had never doubted any of them. Never. But that feeling hadn't been extended to him. Sirius had trusted Peter more than him, and that hurt.
“Moony?” Sirius whispered, sensing the change.
“You guys didn’t trust me,” Remus said, his voice barely audible. Sirius swallowed thickly.
“Moony, please—”
“You didn’t trust me Sirius! You. Didn’t. Trust. Me.” Remus’ shoulders heaved as he tried to reign in his anger.
“Y-You have to understand!” Tears began to fall from Sirius’ eyes.
“You thought I was the spy, so you switched who the Secret Keeper was without telling me, without consulting me! You thought it was me!”
“We did — I did,” Sirius cried. “Please, I’m sorry! I was wrong! You were gone all the time, and Peter was whispering in my ear how suspicious that was and—”
“So you let Pettigrew sway you? You trusted him more than you trusted me.”
“Moony—”
“Sirius, don’t. Don’t call me that! It-It hurts too much!”
“Remus, I’m sorry!” Sirius was sobbing now. “Please, I’m so so sorry!”
Everything hurt. The knowledge that Sirius hadn’t trusted him, that James and Lily hadn’t trusted him… it hurt. It hurt so much it made his chest ache and his head pound. He had never doubted his friends, but they had doubted him.
“I need to be alone for a bit,” Remus whispered. Sirius’ face was wet with tears, but he nodded. He transformed into Padfoot, and ran out of the flat. Remus collapsed onto his bed with a sob.
It took hours to calm down, for the ache in his chest to dull. It was like Sirius’ ‘betrayal’ all over again. Had James and Lily died thinking he was the traitor? No, they would have known Peter had betrayed them the moment Voldemort showed up at their door. He needed to talk to someone.
Remus grabbed his keys and left his flat. He walked down the street to the nearest telephone, then cast his spell and dialed.
“Mary,” he said as soon as the phone picked up.
“Remus? What’s wrong?” Mary asked, picking up immediately on his tone.
“I have a lot to explain. You have time?”
“Always.”
And so he explained. He explained how Sirius was innocent all this time, how Peter was alive and had been the one to betray them. He told her about the confrontation, how Peter escaped, how Sirius was on the run again. By the end, Mary knew about everything except the Regulus situation, since that wasn’t his secret to tell.
Mary was silent for several moments afterwards, processing the information. The silence was broken by a ragged sob, and Remus felt tears well in his own eyes.
“God… Twelve years, and he was innocent? Why didn’t we… Why didn’t Dumbledore…” she cried.
“I know. I feel the same.”
“Is he… Staying with you right now?”
“Yes.”
“… How is that?”
“Awkward,” Remus sighed. “We’re not the same. I thought he was a traitor all this time, and he was in fucking Azkaban, and he thought I was the traitor which is why they switched the Secret Keeper to Peter in the first place and—”
“Remus,” Mary interrupted . “You still love him.”
“Of course I still love him,” Remus sobbed. “He’s my Starlight. I need… I need him… But he hurt me and I thought he had betrayed us for so long…”
“You both need time to heal. It will take time, and perhaps time apart, but your love is strong, Remus. Your love is strong.”
Remus smiled through his tears. “Thank you. I think I needed to hear that.”
“Of course,” Mary said kindly. “Maybe I can talk to him? I would love to hear his voice again.”
“He’s not here now, but I’ll bring him by.”
“That sounds wonderful.”
They finished up the call and Remus took a deep breath. Maybe he shouldn’t have yelled at Sirius, but he had needed the space and time. He would need to find him and bring him back to the flat. Remus turned around and froze.
Across the street were two aurors. He knew they were aurors because Kinglsey Shacklebolt was one of them. Remus ducked into the nearby alley and was relieved to see they hadn’t seen him.
“… he was seen nearby. Spread out,” Shacklebolt was saying when Remus focused in on what they were saying.
“Why would Black be here?” the other auror wondered. Remus' stomach dropped.
“I don’t know, but we don’t stop until we find him.”
“Fawley hit him once, right? He can’t be too far…”
Remus started running. Shit shit fucking shit he shouldn’t have sent Sirius out. Now the aurors were here and Sirius was in danger. He had to find him. He ran through the backways and alleys of Little Whinging, ears and nose straining for any sign of Sirius or the aurors. He almost ran into one but was able to hide himself away just in time. His heart beat so loudly he could feel it in his ears. He hadn’t felt this sort of fear for a long time, not even when he was transforming in front of the kids just a few weeks ago.
Then, as he turned down another dark alley as the sun began to set, Remus saw him. He was transformed into Padfoot and he had wedged himself under a stairway. It was almost too dark to see the black dog. No, it would have been too dark to see him if Remus had normal senses.
“Sirius,” he gasped, and he ran to the dog.
“Remus,” Sirius cried as he transformed back. He was bleeding from a nasty gash on his cheek, and Remus cast episky on it as he gathered Sirius into his arms.
“I was so scared they would find you,” Remus whispered, holding Sirius closely and trying to smother the other man’s shaking.
“They almost did,” Sirius said softly, his eyes unfocused and glassy.
“We have to get you out of here. It’s not safe anymore.”
“I know.” A tear rolled down Sirius’ face. Remus closed his eyes.
Sirius would have to leave now. He’d have to leave Harry. It wasn’t fair. None of it was fair.
“We’ll get you somewhere safe. I hate it, too, but I just got you back. I can’t lose you again, not to the dementors,” Remus said. Sirius looked up at him, eyes wide.
“I don’t remember our first kiss.” he said it so softly that Remus could barely hear it.
“What?” Remus blinked.
“I don’t remember when we first kissed. I don’t remember how old we were, or where it happened… The dementors took that from me,” Sirius whispered, tears pooling in his silver eyes. Remus’ heart lurched.
“They took that from you?” he asked. His voice felt tight.
“I don’t remember a lot of good things anymore,” Sirius shrugged. “To be honest I’d… I’d forgotten what James looked like until I saw Harry again. His face had become a blur for me.”
“Starlight,” Remus gasped, and he tried to pull Sirius further into his arms. He wished he could pull him right into his skin, keep him close and safe and untouched by anyone or anything that tried to hurt him anymore. Sirius just curled up and clung to him in return. They heard shouting again, and Remus pulled them deeper into the shadows.
“You need to get out of here,” Remus whispered. “You need to escape.”
“I don’t know where to go,” Sirius cried. But Remus did. It was so simple. He grabbed Sirius’ wrist, and once he made sure the coast was clear, dragged him as they ran. After a moment Sirius transformed back into Padfoot. It was still risky, but better than being a man. Remus led them to another phone booth, and he dialed Mary for the second time that day.
“Remus?” she asked, confused.
“Mary, the aurors are here. Sirius was spotted and he’s in danger,” Remus said, only barely containing his tears. “We need… I need a safe place for him.”
“Of course,” she said immediately, not hesitating in the slightest. “Is he there?”
“He’s with me now. I need to get him out of here quickly.”
“Do you have access to a floo network?”
“No, but I could if it’s needed.”
“I set my house up to the floo network,” Mary explained. “I’ve never used it, but I thought… Well, it was always a just-in-case thing. I’ll give you my address.”
Remus memorized it as she told him.
“Thank you. Mary… Thank you.”
“He’s my friend, too. I want him safe,” Mary said . “Send him to me.”
“Thank you.” Remus hung up the phone and turned to Padfoot. “We need a floo access.” Padfoot whined and led him to a dark corner so he could transform again.
“I can get us to one, but I need to apparate us there,” he whispered. Remus handed him his wand right away.
“Do it.”
Sirius grabbed him, and then there was the awful squeezing sensation of apparition. In one moment they were in Little Whinging. The next, they were in a dark hallway inside somewhere. It was musty and dim and everything looked a little green. Remus’ eyes widened. “Is this…”
“My old home,” Sirius sneered. “Hurry. I have no idea if my mother is still alive or not.” He led them into a study and to the fireplace. After a quick test it showed that the floo was still working. Remus gave him Mary’s address, and he grabbed a handful of floo powder.
“Get out of here, quickly. You don’t want to be spotted here,” Sirius pleaded, handing Remus his wand back.
“I’m sorry,” Remus said. “I want you to stay.” Sirius looked up at him sadly.
“Me too.”
“We’ll see each other soon.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
A crash sounded from upstairs and Sirius hurried into the fireplace. He threw down the powder while shouting Mary’s address and was gone in a blast of emerald flames. As soon as he was gone, Remus disapparated away.
The first letter came in the claws of a brightly colored tropical bird. Remus’ eyes widened at the bird, and he took the two letters from it. One was addressed to Harry, the other to him. Harry had been distraught when he learned that Sirius had left, but he understood that it was for his safety. He would be glad to have a letter from his godfather.
Remus would deliver it later. In the meantime, however, he couldn’t wait to open the one addressed to him.
Remus,
I have settled here with Mary. Thank you for helping me. Words and actions can never describe the gratitude I feel for you.
The Caribbean is so different to anything I have ever experienced before. It’s so hot here, but it feels nice. I had forgotten what it feels like to be warm. Mary is wonderful. Absolutely and amazingly wonderful. Her husband is very kind as well, as is her daughter. They have all welcomed me here with open arms. It will be a good place to heal, I think.
But it is hard being away from you. I had forgotten so much while in Azkaban. The dementors stole so many of my happy memories. But just being with you… I feel like I was starting to remember things again. Feelings, emotions. You made me happy. You make me happy. You are a fresh breath of air breathing life into me once more. You are warmth, you are comfort, you are safe. Sometimes when I am falling asleep at night I have a fleeting memory of your arms around my waist. You envelope me completely, crushing me, and I feel like nothing bad can ever touch me.
I know you need time. I’m sorry that I hurt you. I’m sorry for a lot of things. It’s basically all I’ve been able to think about for all these years. The dementors take everything good, leaving only bad memories. I’ve had to relive years that I’d rather forget about. My mother visited me in my dreams every night. I thought about betraying your trust by showing Snape the way into the Whomping Willow. It was enough to make me insane with guilt and regret and it destroyed me that I would never be able to tell you how sorry I am. But now I can.
I am sorry, Moony Remus, for everything.
I love you. Not even twelve years in Azkaban could take that away from me.
Padfoot
Remus had to hold the paper away to keep the words safe from his tears. He wanted nothing more than to have Sirius in his arms right now. He took out a paper and pen and wrote his reply.
Sirius,
I forgive you. And I am sorry as well.
I was angry with you. You and James and Lily. You didn’t trust me, and that hurt. But I also know that you all had the real traitor whispering in your ears, planting dissent and distrust amongst each other. How horrible it is that we let him play us like a fiddle.
But what’s done is done, and at the end of it all I forgive you. I never hated you, never truly. It took me years to even come to terms that you may have betrayed us. I denied it for so long. What that has left me with however is guilt. A burning, painful guilt that I left you in Azkaban for so long. I should have done more, should have fought back against what I was told, but I didn’t. I moved on with life, and left you there. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for that. I am sorry.
I love you. Forever and always. Even when I believed the worst, I have always loved you.
Moony
P.S. I’m sorry I told you that you shouldn’t call me Moony. I miss it when you do. I would love it if you would call me that again.
Another letter came just in time for Harry’s birthday, along with an enclosed box of nutmeg syrup and sweets.
Moony,
I hope the full moon wasn’t too bad. I stayed awake all night as Padfoot to be there for you even if I couldn’t be with you. Did you know my cell in Azkaban had a window? Made it dreadfully cold, but I was able to see the moon most nights, and that was worth it for me.
Mary has dutifully been making me eat. I was actually able to look at my face in the mirror again. Seems small but… well, it was progress for me. I still don’t like the way I look, but I look better. I’m getting a little sick of fish, though. Been craving good beef again.
I wish I could be there for Harry’s birthday. Yet another one I’ll miss. I was really hoping I would be able to celebrate with him, but that will have to wait. I did get him a gift, though. Don’t worry, no more Firebolts, just some good Caribbean treats.
I miss you terribly. I probably shouldn’t tell you so much, but I do. I miss you. I lie in bed every night for hours before I can sleep, aching for you. I crave the feeling of you next to me once more. I want to feel your weight crushing me into the mattress, the smell of smoke and spice invading every sense of me again. I miss your eyes, golden like the morning sun. I miss your hands and how they could pin me down and hold me still. I miss the star shaped scar between your shoulder blades that was always the perfect height for me to kiss.
And you never have to ask for my forgiveness. You will always have it. Twelve years in Azkaban took away any ability I have to hate you for anything.
I love you, Moony.
Padfoot
Starlight,
You will make me swoon with your words, you know that? You’ve always had a way with them that I envy, but oh does it do me good now. How I miss you as well. I feel it deep in my bones. It aches more than my transformations ever do. I miss the way you fit into my arms so perfectly, the way your hair smells after you shower. I miss tracing every one of your tattoos, especially the constellations on your back.
I think Moony missed you terribly during the full moon. I hope that one day Padfoot can be there for us again.
I look to your star at night. Know that I am thinking of you.
Ti’n Werth y Byd.
Moony