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It was one of those days at Paddy’s. One of those boring moments at 12:47 pm on a tuesday. There were no customers at the bar, Charlie, Mac and Dennis shared a beer on the stools, you could hear Frank in the back office and Dee was nowhere on site. It was one of those days that one of them would suggest to play Chardee MacDennis and it was probably on a day like this that they created the game.
When Dee barges in, there's a noticeable disappointment in Dennis and Mac’s faces while Charlie seems almost happy. Hating Dee was more of a Mac and Dennis thing, Charlie never really got the jokes, he didn’t actually think she looked like a bird, but he didn’t think she was that pretty either, you know, not like The Waitress, but he just got used to laughing at the guys' jokes and outbursts with her. When Dee barges in, with excitement in her eyes and with the look of a thousand plans of scams crossing through her head, the three of them are still very relieved the boredom is over.
“Guys, guys! you won’t believe-”
“Will you calm down you bitch, can’t you see we’re in the middle of something here” Dennis cuts her words looking already annoyed. He gestures to Mac and Charlie sitting on both his sides. Charlie gives a small confused side eye to that.
“What are you talking about? You aren’t doing anything, there’s no one here” Dee says, gesturing to the empty bar, also already annoyed.
“Well, then just don’t come in like that, you know…” Dennis says.
“Just tells us what is it Dee, come on, I’m so bored here, come on” Charlie almost cuts Dennis, looking like he can’t deal with the twins bullshit right now.
When she tells them that she went to a new bar the night before and that they were having a Drag Queen Competition, Mac's hand gets sweaty suddenly. She tells them that the night was great and the bar wanted to attract as many people as possible so they hosted a drag competition, made the prize be two thousand dollars and free drinks for a year and a lot of people showed up, and that gets Charlie and Dennis very into it. Mac is trying to copy them. He is trying to look as if he is not suddenly terrified just at the small mention of queerness. He is trying not to think about the sweat.
“Whoa, whoa, wait a second, you’re saying we… should I get into the contest?” Charlie asks
“No Charlie, are you not paying attention? Jesus, I’m saying we should do the same here, at Paddy’s, imagine how much money we could make in one night!”
“This is actually a great idea sis.. and you know what we could do? We could compete ourselves, win the prize, and then we wouldn’t lose any money or own anybody free drinks. It’s an all win situation” The three of them look excited, happy with the promise of making money.
“Why don’t you get in Dee? You already look like a man in makeup so…” Mac attacks and forces a laugh in the end. Dee fakes a laugh at him but the guys don’t even seem to have heard the joke he made.
“I’ll do it.” Dennis says it quickly. He looks serious. “Yeah, see Mac, women cannot be drag queens, they never look as good as when the gays do it, have you never watched Ru Pauls?”
“Well I could do it too” Charlie says while sipping in his beer looking unbothered.
Mac is getting up now, looking a mix of angry, surprised and confused.
“WHat? This is sick man, a man should not wear makeup ever! You’re going to hell! And do it HERE? At Paddy’s? I don’t want any queers coming here, ew…” Mac screams at them.
“What are you talking about Mac, I wear makeup everyday, you’ve seen me put it on! And you know I’m not gay, I have more sex with women than you!” Dennis screams back at him, he looks offended to be called gay and to be told man can’t wear makeup.
Now Mac is angry. He is angry at Dee for bringing this discussion, he is angry at Charlie for being so Charlie and he is mostly angry at Dennis. Right now, Dennis looks back at him with a frown in his eyebrow, loosely touching the bottom of his beer bottle, and talks about makeup like he is a girl.
Within all the yelling, Frank comes out of the back office wanting to know what is going on and who they’re scamming this time, but before Mac can ask Frank for his homophobic support, Dennis says something through all the voices that are starting to rise. He says it while still looking at Mac, almost as it is just for Mac to hear.
“Besides, I’d make a pretty girl, I’ll definitely win.” The frown is nowhere to be seen, and now is just Dennis’ smugness shining through. He gives a little smile, proud of himself as if he is picturing himself as a girl and is very pleased.
Dennis turns and faces Dee and Frank talking behind the bar.
Mac is tormented by that. His stomach is tormented by what Dennis said, like three butterflies flapping their wings fast and quickly for two seconds giving him a chill. He stands there for a while not listening before saying “I’m not going to be a part of this” and storming out.
Mac goes home that afternoon and does research. His research consists in reading the bible and typing “Drag Queens” on google. Everytime he learns something new about the drag culture and feels that little flapping in his stomach he jumps to grab the bible and read the verses he hasn’t memorized yet. He learns that women can, in fact, do drag and Dennis was wrong about that. Mac also learned that homosexuality is so bad it can make you blind. He also learns that anyone can do drag because it is a form of art and expression that goes beyond sexuality. He reads the story of Noah and Ham again.
That goes on for hours sitting on the couch in the apartment that he and Dennis have been sharing for years. He is on a mission to prove to his friends that being a part of this competition might make God not be so willing to let them into Heaven when they die.
Is almost night time when Dennis enters the door with many bags on hand. He walks in and closes the door in a clumsy way with his hands full. Mac gets up in an instant, his eyes wide open, his mouth on a breath like he is about to start a monologue.
“Hey Mac-” He notices the computer open on the coffee table and three bibles spread around. A very Mac thing to do. “Oh no man don’t start with your christian bullshit now, you were doing so well!” He is tired of this, Mac knows, after all these years and he still hasn’t managed to convert any of them.
“Look dude you have to see this ok? I actually learned a lot this afternoon. You see, I was doing research, and actually you were wrong you know, woman can do drag-But that’s not the point, the point is that all you have to do is not engage in any “homo” action and you’re clean dude” Dennis is already looking at him with a confused and tired look. “See drag is a form of art, and it doesn’t mean that you’re gay if you do it”
“Yeah, I Know” Dennis cut Mac’s rambling “I told you. Look dude, this is just a gag ok? We’ll have a few laughs, I’ll win, we’ll share the money” At this point he’s leaning into Mac’s personal space, like he does often with a little smug smile to get Mac to join him in a plan. “See, here’s the thing, I managed to get Charlie out of the competition, so I’ll definitely win right-”
“Right” Mac is leaning in almost automatically. The flapping goes on for a few more seconds this time and he’s going to agree with anything Dennis says at the moment.
“Right, so we’ll get the money and split, you know, fuck those guys”
“Yeah, absolutely” Mac is paralyzed while his eyes avoid making eye contact with Dennis and start wandering to the other parts of the man’s face a few inches away from him.
“So, I’ll put this flamboyant costume on and you go ahead with the gang, yeah, go to the bar.” Dennis gives him a smile, a half hearted one, the one he gives when he wants Mac to just do what he’s saying, the one smile he used to give Mac all the time, and funny enough, the smile that made Mac feel the most like they were equals.
“All right.”
The bags in Dennis’ hand make noise as they crumple together while Dennis moves away clumsy to enter his room with all the bags almost falling from his grip.
Mac is left there standing with the ghosting feeling of butterflies in his stomach that have gone dormant again. Well, he thinks, if it is just as a gag it might be actually funny to see. He picks the bibles and closes the computer and goes to the bar to be with the rest of the gang while he tries not to think about what dress Dennis is putting on right now.
Mac arrives at Paddy’s and Dee and Charlie have already set the place up like they always do when they are about to have a show while Frank was in charge to bring all the people.
Dee is dressed in a sparkly pink shirt and a small orange skirt, Frank is dressed in a suit and has his wig on, because according to him, is to attract any females at the bar because “women are all into this sort of fag stuff”. Charlie is the one that went a little overboard. He has a very tight neon purple shirt on and is wearing Dee’s skinny jeans that somehow fit into him and also her heels that fit perfectly on his feet. He looks like he tried to put makeup on by himself.
“What the hell Charlie!!??” Mac screams while Charlie gives a little twirl.
“You like it?” He looks very pleased with himself.
“Jesus christ…”
The usual stage and chairs were set up and there was a big curtain from the back door to the stage separating in half so the participants could sneak through the back without being seen, also, the bar is covered in glitter. Apparently someone thought it was a great idea to glue colorful ribbons in the ceiling too. They took down the “Talk American” sign probably thinking the audience tonight would not be too fond of that. The fact that they managed to pull it all off in one afternoon made Mac feel a little useless for staying in his apartment the entire time.
Besides all that, there was a flag hanging crooked in the door of the back office. It looked like someone tried to make an LGBT pride flag out of the United States of America flag, most likely Charlie work. The paint he used was mixing together and the flag was almost completely brown. He could’ve done better, Mac thinks.
When people start to come in, the chairs get filled, the tables too. Dee put on some Lady Gaga music to play and Mac feels trapped in his own body, not that he likes the song or whatever, but that itching feeling in the back of his neck that he’s had his entire life, like he was missing out on something, gets suddenly very noticeable.
He slowly distanced himself from the rest of the gang with the excuse that he was going to do his job and stay at the door carding people. He got himself a beer, and then another one, and a fifth, and then the show was about to start.
Dee started announcing the contestants one by one. They were performing and the song would change every time another one entered the stage. The lights were too bright and there was no color to it. The cheers were what you expect from a crowd five shots in on a tuesday night. There were many men and women around and Mac didn’t know where else to look to avoid contact with them.
Their plan was to serve the people a lot of drinks and flunk the other contestants' performances in any way they could, so Dennis would stand out. They also paid a few people in the crowd to clap louder for him when it was time to vote.
Mac was behind the first pillar of the bar. He was sort of hiding but he wouldn’t admit that to himself. The thing is, that he remembers all of the times he’s seen Dennis put makeup on. He remembers when he was sixteen and he went to Dennis’ house to smoke weed and watch a movie. He let himself into the house knowing no one would care, and when he opened Dennis’ door he saw his best friend in a pretty flower dress applying red lipstick in front of the mirror. He remembers how Dennis had to talk him down of his disbelief, he remembers how he sat on Dennis’ bed and let him explain that that was a whole thing to mess with his sister and he was definitely not a ‘fag’. He remembers laughing and swallowing anything and everything Dennis would feed him whether it was lies or not. He remembers Dennis quickly taking the dress off and then showing Mac how muscular he was getting and that Mac should probably start working out too.
He stuffed this memory down with all the others that contained just him and Dennis watching a movie and the flapping of the butterflies wings in his belly that would get a little louder when they accidentally touched their knees and none of them moved. All of the times this happened.
But Dennis proved himself again and again to be a ladies man, just like Mac. And of course if God exists then he would never make him queer, not to mention his best friend who was created in such a perfect way. No. Of course not.
Mac and Dennis' relationship was as natural as Mac’s friendship with Charlie. They knew each other forever but while Charlie and Mac where brothers, Mac and Dennis were obviously… more. They were blood brothers! Of course! Mac takes pride in saying that. They live together ever since Dennis got out of college and Mac needed a place to stay (since his mom was asking patiently and lovingly for him to leave the house everyday. His mother was so loving that wanted him to leave that place of crap and get a better room for himself. She was caring like that.) And of course Mac took the opportunity and every since then, he and Dennis were attached to the hip, they do everything together and they always check in to see if the other is alright. They have movie nights and pretty much the same taste for everything. Mac doesn’t mind doing what Dennis asks him to do as long as it makes Dennis happy and Dennis will often let Mac’s irritating habits slide because it is not that much irritating when it is Mac that does it.
Their relationship is built in trust and also… not. They lie to each other, they scream at each other's faces, they fight so much Mac loses count. Dennis needs Mac and Mac needs Dennis. Is as simple as that. Mac wonders why he doesn’t have that with Charlie too, but Charlie already has The Waitress right?, so it must be the blood brothers thing. How many other men don’t have blood brothers like them, right? The same type of relationship, the same type of intimacy, must be a lot.
That's when Dee announces Victoria Von Hemen.
And She enters the stage.
And suddenly the music is just a ringing noise in Mac’s brain, the people in front of him blocking some part of view of the stage are transparent, and all he can see is her.
She has a pretty but cheap blond wig on, glued perfectly to the scalp. The makeup is pretty, a little too white all over the face but the blush in the cheeks are blended perfectly. The shadow above the eyes is a shade of dark blue that swallows Mac like the ocean. She’s wearing a pretty silver top with sparkles and stars shining all over. The skirt is blue and low on the hips showing the strings of a black thong and there’s a cut to show the right thigh up to the top. The heels were also blue and shining.
Victoria danced and tried to seduce the entire audience with her eyes. Dennis was trying his best performance and trying hard to win it. For everyone else there, that was definitely a gag, people were laughing and everything, even the ones they paid, but for Mac that was something else. There was only him and Victoria in that bar.
At some point in the music Dennis catches Mac’s eyes in the dark. Maybe it was Mac imagining it but he didn’t care at all. Victoria kept doing her performance until the song was over and the entire time kept her eyes locked with Mac’s. That was when Mac saw the girl of his life. He would do anything with her right there. He felt like smiling and jumping and twirling around like Charlie did earlier or like an actual dog. He thought about living in an apartment with her, and having movie nights and monthly dinners. He thought about sharing a couch and spending all their money on beer.
Mac feels sixteen again and the butterflies are flying crazy in his stomach as the older boy has his head on his lap while they smoke weed under the bleachers. He feels twenty one again when they bought the bar and spend an entire night drinking to it. When Dennis leaned in a little more and the butterflies were awake again, and for a second Mac swears their lips touched. But Dennis just smiled and they never talked about it. He feels like church is a far away land, an old book that could never actually say anything about the feeling he is feeling right now so it must not be complete.
It really is a shame he is not a fag. And that thought glimpses in his mind like a flame. Is a shame that Dennis is not a fag either because, he was right… He does make a pretty girl. Gorgeous.
And that moment is stuck with Mac. That one moment that he is going to push it down and throw it in the trash in the corners between his mind and his heart. A corner that God won’t see and Mac will never confess to exist. Just Victoria von Hemen is allowed now. And Dennis. Both.
As Victoria ends her performance and the song ends, they are still looking at each other's eyes. They hold that for just a second more, another beat, another and another moment that Mac pines and where he will be stuck pining forever for Victoria.
The performance ends and they turn the lights on. Dee jumps on the stage and announces that it is time to vote. She calls each one of the drags that performed, and people start applauding. The thing they don’t expect is when she announces Victoria von Hemen you can only hear a few claps. The gang withers. What happened?
Dennis bursts and starts calling everyone in the crowd awful ugly pickled bitches and screams “GET OUT!”. Like a switch in his brain, Mac gets the cue and starts screaming at people to get out too. Soon the entire gang is screaming until the bar is empty.
Mac feels like this happens way too often.
When they get home, Dennis is already stripped out of his drag clothes, with only a little of the makeup left around his eyes and some glitter in his cheeks. Mac thinks he looks handsome, still beautiful like Victoria, and he would have no problem admitting that out loud as long as everyone knew that he was definitely not gay and just saying that because Dennis is his best friend. His pretty gorgeous best friend.
He is wearing Mac's shoes and that is not a surprise, they often share a lot of clothes, they get mixed in the laundry or something. Mac never cared for it, even though Dennis often complained, but it was routine. On that night however, that stings a little in Mac’s heart.
Dennis throws the wig on the couch and looks at Mac. They share a look, not the same as the one they did a while ago, but one more full of yearning... One of those looks you give the best friend you've been in love with for years and years and share an apartment with, and talks about the weather before leaving for work, and pours the coffee in his favorite mug, and says yes to every mischief they want to do this week because you have the same stupid brain.
That look.
“I'll go change you know, clean myself up, I’ll let you pick the movie today” It’s tuesday. Mac completely forgot it’s their movie night.
“Yeah, no sure, whatever man I’ll go change too you know, not that you car-”
“All right” Dennis claps Mac's shoulder like he didn’t hear him say a word at all. When Dennis takes his hand away and moves towards the door, Mac is left with the ghost feeling of Dennis’ soft hand on his shoulder.
He sighs.
The wig is still laying on the couch. Mac faces the realization that that girl on the stage is not real, even though he took her back to their apartment, pours coffee into her favorite mug, talks about the weather with her and has monthly dinner with her in a couple of weeks. She doesn’t exist. What is real is Dennis in drag.
That night they watched Predator again. Dennis didn’t complain.
“You looked pretty as a girl.” Mac says one hour into the movie, avoiding eye contact with Dennis by just staring flat at the screen. The wig sits on his lap while he plays with the fake blond hair.
“You liked it? Oh, thanks man.” Dennis says while also staring flat at the screen.
They are sat closer than they usually do, their knees touching ever since the movie started.
That night they fell asleep on the couch, together. The sun rises while their legs are intertwined together on top of the coffee table, their arms tangled loosely around each other’s sides, Mac’s head resting on the crook between Dennis’ chest and neck and Dennis’ cheek resting on top of Mac's head. They fit together that way, the wig still on Mac’s lap and some blonde hair tangled in his fingers.
Mac is not a fag though, he is not! and neither is Dennis… but Mac will pine forever more for Victoria von Hemen.