“Look, I think this is a really, really bad idea,” Mark said as he perked up from his work station. 

Dylan stared down at him. “So you have a better plan?”

“A better plan than seducing Mr. Milchick?” Mark repeated. “I'm sure I can find something, yeah.”

“We should try at least,” Dylan said. “He's not going to do anything to us. Have you seen how much shit we pulled on Lumon? They really want to keep us, even when they've had so many opportunities to sack us.”

Helly raised an eyebrow. “I still don't see why I should be the one attempting this.”

Irving finally spoke up. “I do believe that, statistically speaking, he's more likely to be into you than the rest of us.”

“And how would I even go about it?” Helly objected.

They all stared at each other. 

##

Helly

When she entered Mr. Milchick's office, the latter wore his usual cheery smile on his face.

“Helly R.,” Milchick said with something that might look like surprise. “How can I help you?”

Helly chose to walk seductively, that is, with sultry steps that wouldn't look out of place in a silly movie from the 80s. She swayed her hips and noticed that Mr. Milchick's eyes momentarily ran over her body, if only for a second. Feeling a tinge of satisfaction, she took her time to sit in front of her target and made a point to shake off her hair. Then, she spoke with a lower tone.

“Mr. Milchick, I'm afraid I need your advice.”

If her chief was evidently used to hiding most of his emotions behind his cheery facade, he couldn't help but blink. 

“Please tell me about it,” Milchick said. “At Lumon, we do our very best to support our employees.”

“One of my coworkers has been behaving strangely lately,” Helly explained. “Inappropriately, might I say.”

Milchick's smile dropped, and a hint of worry crossed his voice. “Who is it? This is a serious matter.”

Helly looked away with trembling lips. “I don't know if I should say it.”

In front of her, Milchick rolled forward on his chair to get closer. “I can't take actions against such despicable behavior if I don't know where to look. Naturally, if you prefer to stay silent, Lumon will support you any way it can.”

Helly nodded gravely. “I trust you, Mr. Milchick. I think I can tell you.”

She looked back at him. “It was Mark, of course. Ever since I arrived here, he's been trying to get me alone in a room to have his way with me. I told him no, of course, but he gets more pressing every day.”

“Mark?” Milchick repeated, now clearly surprised. “He's been harassing you?”

“Yes!” Helly said. “He should know better, however. He believes he has a chance, but how could he, when you, Mr. Milchick, are right here?”

After a few blinks, Milchick said, “I beg your pardon?”

Helly smiled slightly at him. “He's small, weak, and quite ugly, honestly. But you… Anytime I see you, you look radiant, Mr. Milchick. It's your smile, it comforts me. And you look strong, like a real man should. Your arms are gorgeous. How many times per week do you exercise?”

“Every other… Wait.”

They stared at each other for a long moment, then Milchick chuckled. “That was an interesting maneuver, Helly R., though I'm not that easy to sway. Please close the door behind you, will you?”

##

“Yeah, no offense, Helly, but I don't think you'd succeed.”

Helly stared dagger at Dylan. “Shut up. I don’t speak like that.”

Mark had his eyes deep into his computer screen. “There was no need to drag me like that.”

“He is an easy target,” Irving added with an apologetic smile. “I don't think he could do it either.”

“You think I couldn't?” Mark said.

Dylan grinned. “You think you could?”

“I don't know. Maybe. I'd be more subtle about it at least.”

##

Mark

“Hello, Mr. Milchick,” Mark said as he entered the office. 

His chief looked at him with his usual smile. “Mark S. What can I do for you?”

Mark didn't sit. He stood in front of his superior. “You know, that is a good question. But you always ask what you can do for us, Mr. Milchick, and nobody ever asks you what they can do for you. I think it's high time we remedy that.”

Milchick chuckled and shook his head. “Ah, that is very kind of you, but I don't need anything. My only goal is to help you , Mark.”

“And I'm really grateful for your support,” Mark replied. “But is there really nothing I can help you with?”

“I doubt it. Why, did you have something in mind?”

Mark looked over his chief. “Look at yourself. You always stand straight, and each of your movement is very efficient. But do you ever get someone else to take care of you?”

“I'm afraid I don't follow,” Milchick replied with wary eyes. 

It seemed as though he actually knew perfectly well what Mark was getting at. 

“I'm offering a massage, Mr. Milchick. You work hard for us, you deserve to be pampered too, don't you think?”

Milchick sighed and reordered some folders on his desk. “I think this is highly inappropriate.”

With a reassuring smile, Mark put his hands in front of him. “Look, I'm not trying to get in your pants. I'm simply offering to give you some relief. Okay, that sounds bad, but I'm really thinking of a back massage, nothing more. I'm not asking for anything in return, either.”

They stared at each other for a moment. Finally, Milchick frowned. “You won't tell anyone?”

“Of course not, sir.”

Another few seconds passed, then Milchick nodded solemnly and turned away from Mark, offering him free rein on his back. 

“You won't regret it, Mr. Milchick.”

Mark soon had his hands hard at work, attempting to relax Milchick's strained body over his white shirt. 

“Alright, maybe… I needed this,” Milchick groaned before his breathing hitched. 

Mark's fingers were dancing terribly close to his collar, and when Milchick felt a finger of his employee curl around a hair lock of his, he instantly caught his arm. 

“I think this will be enough, Mark.”

“But–”

“Please close the door behind you.”

##

Helly scoffed. “You call that subtle?”

Mark stared at Dylan. “How did you even know that was my idea?”

His coworker shrugged. “I always saw you as a lackey.”

“Yeah.” Helly nodded. “I do kind of agree.”

Irving aborted their bickering. “I think I have a chance.”

Mark and Helly turned toward Dylan, but Irving smiled. “No. Let me tell the tale.”

##

Irving

Contrary to the rest of you, I would start by knocking gently on the door. Mr. Milchick is evidently appreciative of my respect for him and this company, he thus would be quite rejoiced by my coming.

I would confide in him my doubts about Kier's philosophy. Mr. Milchick is a smart man, and this approach would instantly pique his interest. I would let him reassure me and guide me through Kier's contradictions. Touched by my trust in him, and charmed by my worried eyes, he wouldn't be taken aback if I complimented his mustache. From one to another, he would accept the compliment, probably uneasily I assume. 

I hear your objections. He knows about my passion for Burt, most assuredly, but Mr. Milchick knows me as a man of love, a man who loves his neighbor and who can't help but wish everyone the best. I would assure him that my love for Burt left more than enough room for my newfound interest in my chief.

Although we have no confirmation of his tendencies, I assume he could not help but wonder about the taste of my tongue. It would be just one time. No one else would know. 

##

“I hate to admit it, but I could see it,” Dylan remarked. “Shit, I bet he'd go for it.”

Helly nodded, her eyes raised you the ceiling. “Yeah, I think you have a talent for storytelling. I was invested.”

“So what would you after that?” Mark asked with a cheeky smile.

##

Oh, it's never just one kiss, Mark. 

What could he possibly do, but taste me again? 

After one passionate night, or, I suppose, a few unforgettable hours for Mr. Milchick, I would let him fall asleep and use his computer to gather as many answers as possible.

##

Dylan frowned. “...You sound like you want to bang him.”

“He is a fine man,” Irving said with humility. “I'm sure my outie has known worse. What about you, Dylan? Do you think you could best me?”

“You bet. Here's how I see–”

Helly interrupted him. “Oh, no no no. I'll say it.”

##

Dylan

“Yo, you a fag?”

##

Mark shot her a horrified look. “You can't say that, Helly!”

“He would say it, though,” Helly justified herself. “Right?”

Dylan nodded appreciatively. “I definitely might. It's fine, Irv likes dudes and he's my friend. I can say ‘fag’.”

“Uh, guys?” Mark said. 

“I'm not sure how I feel about this,” Irving said, “but I am curious as to the rest of your story. Please continue.”

“Guys.”

##

You'd apologize, and I bet he'd forgive you. He would appreciate your honesty.

“Do you think we'd do the nasty?”

Yeah, that's probably in the cards. 

“Cool.”

“Guys…!”

Mark, if you don't like how I tell the story, just wait for your turn.

“Oh, h–hello, Mr. Milchick!”

##

He was right there in the room, staring at them with his cheery smile, and none of his four underlings knew whether he was amused or angry. 

“Well, that was certainly interesting,” Milchick said. “Quite… fascinating.”

He chuckled, then continued. “For your information, the quickest way to my heart is good music. Nothing beats good music.”

“Yeah,” Dylan said, “sure, but if you had to kiss one of us, who would you pick?”

Milchick stared at him, visibly surprised by his audacity, then he answered, “You would have to ignore all ethical concerns to get an answer.”

As soon as he walked out of the room, Dylan giggled. “He was totally asking us to try.”

“I thought that was a warning,” Irving suggested. “That's a sure way to get fired. Isn't it?”

Helly and Mark looked at each other and shrugged. 

“I think we should go together,” Dylan said to Irving, who listened intently. “You and I. Double the power.”

Mark grumbled, “We're so screwed.”