Work Text:
Professor Elric was a legend. Everyone said so, yet no one was truly certain of his legendary achievements. The rumours were either crazy, preposterous or outright impossible. Still, it was Professor Elric they were talking about, so nothing was impossible. Kyle was a sceptic at heart, but the thing was that he knew Edward Elric. Their entire town of Youswell did. They could never forget the cleverness, the cunningness, the heart. Even though Kyle had no plans of ever becoming an alchemist, he took Professor Elric's course the moment he found out he could use it to get enough credits. Not for alchemy, but for the heart.
If Edward Elric managed to abide by “Alchemist Be Thou For The People” even in the most corrupt structure ever, Kyle could learn much more than transmutation circles from him.
Still, there was no day when he didn't learn something new about him.
There was this student from a history class that reminded him of Professor Elric for whatever reason. They were nothing alike in terms of appearances, well, apart from slightly similar hair colour, but nothing more. It was just the air of something around Dez that reminded Kyle of Edward Elric, for whatever reason. He was a bit older than the rest of the students, so he had some sort of authority, but some rumours he shared were just impossible! Apparently, he somehow knew some people involved in the coup d'etat and could share some extra information. He was the one who told Kyle that, apparently, Professor Elric beat up an actual god in the final battle, or rather, a god wannabe, but eh, semantics. Crazy, but it was Professor Elric they were talking about, so Kyle could believe that.
Another, even more absurd rumour that Dez had shared was that, as it turned out, Professor Elric was mortally wounded in some of his misadventures in the Northern region, but that was the only fact that Kyle struggled to believe in. Still, Professor Elric was a legend. A terrifying legend.
Anyone who had been to or even seen his classes could attest to that. The first Introduction to Alchemy class resembled PE more than anything someone might have expected to study there. It was brutal, Professor Elric made them do push-ups, run laps and even make a headstand once, demonstrating everything himself. There was no way he could have nearly died, right? He looked even better than he had as a child. For starters, for whatever freaking reason he had more limbs than he used to, but Kyle preferred not to share that observation in fear of being laughed at. I mean, who grows a flesh limb instead of an automail one at the tender age of 16 or something?
Nothing was impossible with Edward Elric. He was undefeated, unafraid of anything and anyone, be it a god, a spoiled rich kid, their stuck-up snob parents, university higher-ups intimidated by the said parents or even the frigging President.
The last fact nearly gave the class a heart attack once, when the President himself showed up in their classroom and requested Edward Elric's presence at some confidential meeting. Professor Elric just…
Flipped him off.
The President!
The only okay-ish leader of Amestris they had had in the past century or so.
“Don't you see I'm in the middle of a class?”
President Mustang just sighed, said, “I'll wait,” and flipping waited.
That was the most tense class of Kyle's life. And the entirety of the class. Was it possible to sweat so much? Were they gonna get dehydrated? Yet Professor Elric was as chill as usual (and just as brutal).
So yeah, Edward Elric was unafraid of anything and anyone.
Or so they thought.
Ed had a perfect morning. His stump (what a joy to use singular there) didn't ache at all; the sun was shining (and yeah, those were interconnected), the material for the classes of the day was prepared and he just needed to pack everything.
Al, who had been staying with Ed and Winry because of some furnishing work in his and Mei's apartment, just had to spoil his perfect mood.
“Brother, how's your teaching career doing?”
Now that was suspicious. Al knew almost everything, they texted daily and there was no career. Al knew all too well that Ed had no intention of doing anything but teaching, so no promotions whatsoever.
Something was fishy. Still, he had no time for that, so he just went on with his morning routine, not even pausing to sit down. He had to catch a train, he couldn’t be late to work!
“Nothing new, Al, and you know it. Spill!”
Al sighed and relented: “Brother, you need to stop scaring your students! You know I still have the student server on Discord, and all see about you is how terrifying you are. Ye, cool, but terrifying!”
Ed was not amused. “Not my fault they can't handle a little exercise!”
Damn, he was definitely gonna have to run. Here went his pain-free day (yes, physical exercises were important, but those were carefully planned to be survived by young students of his while running was… not ideal).
Ignoring Al's exasperated yelp, Ed stuck the last materials needed for the classes into his bag, and yelled, trying to change the topic: “Can you please pack me some lunch? I'm so gonna be late, and it's your fault!”
Some shuffling followed and Ed realised he was done for. Their conversation had woken Winry up. Winry, who stayed up late the night prior, working on a client's special order. Shit. The students will be left teacher-less.
Surprisingly, however, instead of a death threat or his swift execution, he heard just a muted exchange of her and Al's, followed by a loud and cheerful “Sure!”.
Weird, but Ed had no time to ponder. He was happy to live a bit more. Quickly putting on his brown coat, he ran out of the room, through the kitchen, where his smiling wife gave him his lunch box with a quick peck. She was truly the best.
If only he had paid more attention to the type of her smile, if only…
Kyle was so utterly relieved to get to the lecture-like part of the class. He did not regret having signed up for it, he truly didn't! Yet, he wanted to learn the “Be Thou For The People” part, not… become a bodybuilder or something. So actually getting to learn the theory of alchemy was a welcome break. Ha! Theory used in a positive sentence… if only his friends could hear his thoughts right now… Still, it was such a relaxed class that Kyle could cry from joy.
Professor Elric seemed to be in a good mood, too, if only a little dishevelled. Apparently, not only students could hurry to university.
Kyle got sidetracked. He really had to focus, despite it being just an extra credit, he needed good grades not to lose his scholarship.
“The essence of alchemy can be summed up in one simple statement “One is All, All is One”. The meaning of it…” Suddenly, he trailed off and coughed. Kyle winced in sympathy but didn't expect anything of it. After all, teachers were human, too, they needed to drink. Which Professor Elric was intent on doing.
But fate had other ideas.
Instead of getting his throat soothed after a sip of whatever was in his thermocup, Professor Elric looked as if he had seen a ghost. Or a monster, a disgusting monster. He blanched and then started coughing and spluttering as if possessed. For a moment, Kyle got terrified. What if someone decided to poison him? Edward Elric was famous, legendary so, people don't get popular without making a few enemies in the meantime.
Professor, however, dispelled Kyle's worries rather quickly. With an indignant scream. “What the f-... is there milk in it?! That cursed cow juice. Who dared?!” Then he stopped, as if realising something, and muttered something that sounded close to “Oh no, win, I'm dead…”, but Kyle was too busy losing his mind to think about who won what.
Professor Elric, the legendary hero who stopped the war from breaking out, the honorary member of the Alchemy Council, the founder of the accessible alchemy course in the Eastern University, the author of dozens of books, the daredevil who punched the god wannabe… was terrified of milk.
“Anyway, as I was saying, the meaning of “All is One, and One is All” isn't something…”
Someone whispered from behind: “Did anyone record it?”
Kyle sure hoped someone did.
Omake:
Professor Elric was a legend. Revered for his achievements, yet known on the Internet as the Hero, Defeated by Milk.